A Door in the Wall
by Phoenix2013
Summary: What if roles were reversed and Quinn would be a famous star on Broadway? And what if Rachel had disappeared all of a sudden from the stage life? After four years without contact Quinn is probably the last person Rachel would want to see. But Quinn is determined to find her. If she does, will they ever be able to come to terms with their respective pasts, presents and feelings?
1. Chapter 1

**Thanks a lot to my beta reader Nicole Craft for her valuable comments and suggestions! Any mistakes left are solely my fault!**

**I do not own Glee or any characters from the show.**

* * *

**Chapter 1**

The final note softly left Quinn's lips and drifted towards the mesmerized audience. She closed her eyes, reveled in that short instant where all sounds slowly died down before a cacophony of cheers and claps from the audience broke the silence, and brought her back to reality.

When she opened her eyes again she got a glimpse of the audience in front of her. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught a movement against the blinding stage lights. She noted a small silhouette getting up from the seat to the right, quickly moving towards the exit. Something about that person felt familiar to Quinn. Then she shrugged it off, smiled at the auditorium, and took a graceful bow.

After the curtain had swished close, the people outside did not cease applauding. It brought a smile to Quinn's lips every single time at the end of every show. She loved it so much! Singing and being on stage felt so good and so right for her! It was a dream come true that she never knew she had.

Had someone told her years ago that this would be her life's fulfillment she would have laughed them off. She would have turned them around and pointed down the hallway of McKinley High School towards a petite brown haired girl who practically lived Broadway with every fiber of her being.

This had always been Rachel Berry's dream. Not hers.

At least that was what she had thought at that time. She had never imagined herself to have enough talent, enough drive, enough strength to survive, much less succeed in this business. She had never been as determined as Rachel. And never as good. Thus, it astonished her so much more that the roles somehow seemed reversed now.

Rachel.

Quinn sobered up at the thought of her old friend. Her memory wandered back to the silhouette she had watched disappear during the final ovations. What was it that kept nagging her in her mind about that? It always happened. People had to leave a few minutes earlier to catch their train, to relieve the baby sitter, to avoid the crowds filing out at the end of the show.

Even if Quinn had laid eyes on her for just a second, something about the way that person had moved struck a nerve. She felt the familiar pang in her heart. Just like the silhouette, she had let Rachel slip out of her life.

No. That was not true. She had pushed her. Without explanation.

Rachel had tried to call her so many times, had sent countless text messages, handwritten letters. One day she had even shown up in person and Quinn had watched her from afar, as Rachel waited in front of her dorm building, with a look of utter bewilderment, hurt and disappointment on her face. It had made Quinn's heart ache so much that she had to dig her nails into the tree she was hiding behind to stop herself from racing towards her former high school friend, collecting her in her arms begging for forgiveness.

Even though she knew that Rachel would have forgiven her, Quinn could not bring herself to do it. Rachel would probably even have understood why Quinn had acted like that. But the blond girl could not let herself give in. She knew that she would have fallen deeper than she could ever imagine. She knew that she would have just drowned in those soft brown eyes. And it would have deterred her completely off course. So she had stayed hidden until Rachel finally left, her small shoulders slouched in defeat.

Even though it had almost broken Quinn's heart as she left another one of Rachel's calls unanswered, she could not bring herself to act differently. Otherwise she would have always stayed in Rachel's shadow, just being the friend (that could sing a little) of the soon to be Broadway star. And then she would have never been able to live up to Rachel's talent. This had almost blinded her in recognizing her own.

It was nothing that Rachel had ever insinuated; it was never something she would have hinted at however slightly. Quinn knew that these feelings of inadequacy grew solely on her own turf. But there was nothing she could do to fight them off. If she ever wanted to succeed on stage, she would have to do it on her own.

Without Rachel close by.

Eventually the calls had gotten less frequent and so had the text messages. Until one day they stopped completely.

It had seemed so right at that time. When Quinn started her first year at Yale, she had found herself always picking classes that would keep her singing. She had also chosen art and writing classes. Her plan had originally been to become a writer, maybe even write plays. But something always pulled her back towards the music and singing. And with the right training she had developed her voice further, discovering a power that surprised herself the most. Her teacher however had seemed less surprised the first time Quinn hit the G5. And she hit it with a power that left the blonde herself speechless afterwards.

There had just been this knowing little smile playing around Mrs Siebert's lips. When Quinn hugged her after the lesson, she had told her how proud she was of Quinn. And that she had been waiting for that moment when Quinn would finally open up and let everything out without holding back. These successes fuelled Quinn to go on, to push herself harder and further.

But keeping Rachel out of her life was easier said than done.

While walking back to her dressing room after the final curtain call, the memories of Rachel lingered.

It seemed so wrong all of a sudden that Quinn was on her way to stardom when Rachel had disappeared completely from the public eye some months ago. And Quinn could not find any explanation for that. It just did not make sense. None at all.

Even the tabloids could not provide a satisfactory explanation. A lame excuse about Rachel Berry needing time off due to private reasons. Nothing more. And no one could provide any other details. Neither where she went nor why nor how.

The Broadway star had managed a daunting vanishing act.

This at a time when her path lay so clearly in front of her. No one had ever doubted that Rachel would become one of the best performers in New York. She had always carried this air of confidence around her, the kind that in former times had made Quinn angry and envious at the same time. Though when she had heard her sing for the first time, the petite girl's voice raised goose bumps on her skin. That had irritated and confused Quinn to no end. How could a girl's voice trigger such a reaction in her? A voice coming from a girl that could be _so_ annoying at times.

Quinn had hidden her confusion behind her aloof behaviour and insults she threw at Rachel as her classmates threw slushies.

But no matter how often Rachel was down, she had always managed to get up again, brush off the dirt and piece together her pride. How on god's earth did she do that? And how was it that no matter how cruelly people treated her, she still reached out to help them up should life's little speed bumps get one of them off balance. Like when Quinn was pregnant. Rachel didn't make fun of her, as Quinn would have done had roles been reversed. Rachel just set her straight and offered her friendship and support.

Ok, Rachel could also be really irritating at times when she was fighting for solos and stage time with blind ambition. Then again, that was just who she was. It was what drove her, what gave her the stamina to face the obstacles they threw in her way, what gave her the backbone to never ever let her dream get out of sight. It gave her the strength to really live her dream.

And she had succeeded!

Rachel had practically been snatched right away from the NYADA auditorium on to the stages of New York. Two years later, she had already secured her first lead in her favourite musical. Even during her studies she had successfully auditioned and landed some smaller roles on and off Broadway. They had helped pay her bills and enrich her stage experience.

Quinn sighed and sunk into the chair in front of the mirror in the dressing room. She looked at her own reflection, wondering why the small incident at the end of the show pushed her so far down memory lane. Especially since this particular lane was not one that Quinn liked to travel. It always brought back the guilt she stashed away. Nevertheless, this night, Quinn was not able to turn back and head the other direction. Something pushed her further down that road.

Despite her vow never to come close to Rachel again, Quinn _had_ followed her former friend's success throughout the art press and read most of the reviews. Whenever the pain and longing to reconnect with her became unbearable, she searched the internet for news of her. It just was not possible for Quinn to erase Rachel completely out of her mind. And heart.

On one particularly tough day, when Quinn had felt that even with all her important reasons she could not stand being apart from Rachel any longer, she went to see her perform in her biggest show yet, a _Funny Girl_ rendition.

And she was amazing! Quinn's eyes were glued to the brunette's form whenever she was on stage, her voice washed over the blond girl like soft silk, sending endless shivers down her spine.

Quinn had known from the beginning that it had been a mistake to come; had known that the next couple of weeks it would be so much harder for her to find her own standing again. But a small part in her still cherished the experience of that particular evening, still held Rachel's voice captive in her head. Not that she had ever forgotten, but now it seemed even riper, more powerful - if that was even possible - and it had a depth to it that seemed to enchant everyone whose ears were graced with its beautiful, full cadence. Rachel didn't need songs or words; Rachel's voice _was_ the song.

As Quinn lingered in the memories of that evening, while removing her make-up, it hit her full throttle. She stopped in mid-motion, her hand with a cotton pad poised motionless on her cheek.

She needed to hear that voice again. She needed to call Rachel. She needed to find her.

Needed to know what happened.

Whatever the consequences.

She hurried to get out of the theatre. At home, she dropped her bag on the kitchen counter and dug out her cell phone. Perching on a bar stool she scrolled down to Rachel's number and then hesitated. Would the number still be active? After all, it had been over four years now. And no one had heard anything about Rachel for the past 6 months. So it was very probable that the number was out of service.

Quinn let her arm sink until her hand in which she cradled the phone lay in her lap, Rachel's old number still shining prominently on the screen. Then, with what felt like a superhuman effort she moved her thumb and pressed the call button.

The phone was ringing. And God, she was nervous!

There was an automated recording that asked callers to leave a message after the tone. Quinn hesitated again, disappointed but at the same time relieved at not hearing Rachel's voice. She really had no idea how she would have reacted had her former friend actually picked up the phone.

She took a deep breath.

"Rachel. It's Quinn. I… I … what happened?" She then blurted out. "What happened to you? Where did you disappear to?"

She paused for a moment. Then prodded on, fearing that the recording would end before she had said everything she needed to say.

"I know it sounds crazy that the question is coming from me, who disappeared from your life completely for the past four years. I can understand that I am probably the last person you would want to talk to or listen to, but I need to know that you are ok. Please. Please call me back. And please let me explain." She paused again for a second. "I really miss you. A lot."

Quinn heard the hurt, the worry, the pain and the longing etched in her voice reverberate against her own ears. Afterwards she sat motionless for a very long time, noting the feelings she had so long hidden and shoved down pushing their way back up into her consciousness. And this time, she did not have the strength nor the will to fight them. This time she would face the music.

... ... ...**  
**

Rachel saw the display of her mobile phone light up on her nightstand. The message that flickered across the screen informed her that she had received a message on her voice mail. She had left the phone on mute. Well, she would listen to it later.

Or tomorrow. Or whenever. Whatever.

She turned around in her bed and closed her eyes. Best to go back to sleep. Sleep seemed to be the only thing that could help her escape.


	2. Chapter 2

**I do not own Glee nor any characters from the show**

* * *

**Chapter 2**

When Rachel woke up the next morning, she still felt tired, even though she had slept for nine hours straight. Slowly she shuffled into the bathroom, stepped into the shower and leaned against the wall. She let the hot water wash over her body and felt the hot drops prick her skin. The water had to be either steaming hot or ice cold for her these days. She needed to feel something. Anything.

Feeling.

That's what it all had come down to. Physically.

Emotionally, she did not want to feel anything. She did not want to go down that road.

Life had deserted her, deflated her. There seemed to be nothing left of her and for her. She was just an empty shell that functioned automatically. She did not want to think. She did not want to escape that numbness that surrounded her every second of her life. So she just stuck to routine. It evoked the least stirring in her heart and soul.

So _it_ would not surface again.

So _it_ would stay buried deep inside.

_It - _that should be as dead as Rachel felt. But it always came back with full blown force in moments she least expected it, leaving her a sobbing wreck once again. Then she would curl up into a ball on her bed and try to shut the whole world out, until she somehow managed to stuff everything down again.

Stepping out of the shower, Rachel dreaded the moment she had to leave her apartment. To go out there into the world that was so foreign to her now. The world had been her stage. Now it was a living nightmare. She did not want to leave her small apartment that she had traded in for her bigger one that used to be close to Broadway. It was now her sanctuary, her hiding place. Nothing here reminded her of what she had lost. She did not want to face a world where she would still see _it_ flowing around freely, knowing it was never meant to be hers again.

She held tight to the handrail as she walked down the stairs, trying to avoid another tumble. She still had bruises left from the last time she went head down the flight of stairs. Luckily, nothing had been broken. At least not physically. There did not seem to be anything left that could break on any other level.

Fortunately, she did not have to walk very far to her destination. The only obstacle she had to face was passing the small but renowned theater down the street. It was well known to help start up the careers of new talents. Many who had managed to land a role in one of the plays or musicals in the _Beacon Theater_ had moved on to bigger stages.

She had not needed that kind of boost. She was recruited right off NYADA's stage to one of the bigger Broadway shows; as a supporting act at first, but she had stunned everyone with her talent and voice, moving up quickly. Rachel had been considered as one of the youngest people to ever land a leading role on Broadway. And not just any role. One of her dream roles, Funny Girl.

But that was in the past.

Now, every time she passed the theater, she held her head down, not wanting to see the hopeful faces, the happy faces. Not even the disappointed faces. Because even they still had the chance to pick themselves off the floor and try once more. That was one chance more than Rachel had.

Their glasses were still half full. Hers was half empty, draining quickly.

Rachel had tried to walk a detour once in order to not having to go through this inner torment. But walking around the whole block to avoid the theater just meant being outside longer and having to face more people. She was trained to live show, to breathe show, to _be_ show since her very early childhood. She could spot her "fellow art colleagues", as she called them, already miles away. And there were so many in this city, just everywhere. Taking the longer route meant possibly noticing more of them.

She did not want to see them. Did not want to feel their stares bore down to her soul. As if they all knew what had happened, as if it was written on her face. So she kept her head down, stuck to the shorter route, even though this meant hurrying past the theater entrance. They were holding auditions for a new play. Rachel had seen the sign some days ago.

She almost breathed a sigh of relief once she was past the building. Just a little bit further down the street and she would be safe again.

All of a sudden Rachel caught a quick movement out of the corner of her eye, instinctively turned her head and froze.

'_Oh no, oh no!'_ Rachel felt her breath quickening, thoughts hammering in her head. _'That can't be! It just can't!'_

She ducked her head and hurried on, hiding her surprise, shock and fear behind the dark hair that fell around her face.

Then she felt someone tuck at the sleeve of her jacket. Her heart sank to the bottom of her feet. She stopped in her tracks and slowly turned around.

...

Quinn did not believe her eyes when she crossed the street in front of the _Beacon Theater_. She saw a small figure, similar to Rachel's that hurried past the entrance. Then she looked again.

Wait. That could not be. Or could it?

At a second glance, the person looked very much like Rachel. She moved like Rachel. She had the same, long, brown hair as Rachel. Her heart almost stopped when she realized that she actually _was_ Rachel!

Quinn called her name and practically ran across the street to catch up with her.

"Rachel, wait, please!"

She must have heard her. When Rachel did not stop, Quinn hastened her steps even more and grabbed her sleeve from behind.

...

Rachel closed her eyes for a second before she faced Quinn. Of all the people in the world, why did it have to be her? Why now? Why at all?

With dread, she turned around. To stifle any words that could come from Quinn, she spoke first.

"Quinn."

Her whisper was so quiet that Quinn had to lean forward a little to hear her. That caught Rachel even more off guard. She locked eyes with the blonde for a second. Quinn still had those beautiful green eyes and what she saw in them cut right through her armor.

But she couldn't have that. Not now, not yet. She couldn't handle anyone she knew. Hell, she couldn't handle anyone. Period.

So she broke the eye contact.

"Quinn, please don't." Again only a low whisper. Then she shook her head. "I can't."

With that Rachel turned and walked away. Away from these eyes that she saw every night in her dreams, from the smile that made her heart warm. Away from the one person she would have given her heart to. But that was then. Now everything was different.

Rachel almost expected Quinn to come after her and feared feeling her hand on her sleeve again. But luckily she was able to continue on her way undisturbed, desperately trying to hold herself upright.

* * *

**This chapter is coming down with quite a depression. Bear with me, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. **

**Thanks again to Nicole for beta reading and commenting and correcting!  
**


	3. Chapter 3

**I do not own Glee or any of the characters! (Unfortunately, *sigh*)**

**Dear OoSunnyoO and RVNola546 - my first two reviewers, wow! – thanks for your comments! Here you have the answer. And then let's take it from there…**

* * *

**Chapter 3**

Quinn stood on the sidewalk, her gaze trained on Rachel's back, her name hung unspoken on her lips. She wanted to call after her, but stood rooted to the spot, unable to move. She was so shocked about what she had just seen. Had she not committed Rachel's face to her memory in every single detail, she hardly would have recognized her now. She could not find words to describe it. It was… it was just that this did not seem like the Rachel she knew.

That simply was not Rachel.

It was almost a completely foreign person who had stood in front of her. With lifeless brown eyes, pale skin, a defeated air surrounding her. Yes. That was what she had seen. Rachel looked defeated. But why? What the hell had happened to suck the life right out of Rachel Berry, the diva, the person with the strongest backbone she had ever met?

Though just for a fraction of a second, Quinn had also noticed something else flicker across her former friend's face. Was it hope? She could not quite place it, it had been a fleeting moment before shock, surprise, and dismay had commandeered Rachel's features.

Still, something stirred in Quinn's heart. Running into Rachel that day must have been fate. Fate or not, Quinn Fabray would not give up so easily. She watched Rachel enter a small building further down the street to the left.

And then Quinn planted herself in front of the entrance of that same building.

The Community Center.

What was Rachel doing here? Well, she would find out eventually. Quinn hoped that the building did not have another exit where she could miss Rachel should she choose to take another route to exit.

After one and a half hours of waiting and pacing in front of the building, it started to drizzle. Quinn shot a dubious look at the sky. It did not seem that it would stop soon, there were big, grey clouds building up. She decided to wait inside. Luckily, there were some chairs along the wall close to the entrance. She gratefully plopped down on a seat and flipped through a program that lay on a small table next to her.

After waiting another hour Quinn really had to go to the bathroom. But she was afraid to leave her spot. What if Rachel slipped by in that instant? She would lose her again. And there was no way Quinn was going to let that happen.

Finally, when Quinn thought her butt had gone totally numb she saw Rachel coming out of one of the classrooms further down the hall. While walking down the aisle she stuffed a book into her bag and did not notice Quinn until she was almost in front of her.

Rachel gasped when she saw the blond sitting there, looking at her with a small apologetic smile. Before Quinn could react, she observed another woman approaching from behind, tapping Rachel on the shoulder. The brunette jerked around. It seemed to be her teacher from the class she had just visited. At least that was what Quinn guessed, as she came out of the same room that Rachel had left a moment earlier. The tall, slender, and dark haired woman reminded Quinn faintly of Santana.

The teacher handed Rachel a workbook.

"You forgot your book." The woman accompanied her words with signs directed at Rachel before moving on.

Quinn watched the exchange with a mixture of interest and confusion. She did not know that Rachel was familiar with the American Sign Language. Rachel pressed the book against her chest like a shield. With a look of utter dismay on her face, she tried to pass by Quinn to head towards the exit.

Quinn quickly stepped in front of her, a hand on her upper arm to stop her progress.

"Rachel, please, let's talk." Quinn noticed Rachel's gaze flicker from her eyes down to her lips. "Please Rachel. Let's not…" Rachel jerked her arm out of Quinn's grip. She moved back a step and shook her head with an incredulous look on her face.

"Rachel, don't go! I…" Quinn could not finish her sentence. With horror, she watched as Rachel's features convulsed in rage and desperation at the same time before the words broke out of her.

"Quinn, stop talking to me! Don't you get it? I can't hear what you are saying. I can't hear you! Just let me go!" She screamed, struggling against Quinn who had grabbed her again.

Quinn stared at her in absolute shock and Rachel flinched when she saw her expression. She jerked back as if Quinn had slapped her across the face.

When Rachel tried to run for the exit, Quinn held her back once more. She pulled her close and enveloped her in a hug. Quinn had no idea what had possessed her to do that. She felt Rachel fight against her, but did not let go. Then she felt the struggles give way to cries that soon shook the smaller girl's body. If Quinn had not held her upright, Rachel would have landed on the floor in a heap; her small frame was shaken so hard by her crying.

Some people passing by threw them concerned looks, but Quinn ignored them, she did not even notice them. The only thing she noticed was Rachel in her arms. She felt her own tears slide down her face, but could not be bothered to lift one hand away from the small body to brush them off. She let them fall freely and held on to the most important person in her life. She vowed to herself that no matter what had happened to Rachel, she would not leave her again.

Ever.


	4. Chapter 4

**I don't own Glee or anything that belongs to it.**

* * *

**Chapter 4**

Rachel was relieved that the Amercan Sign Language lesson was finally over. In the beginning, she had liked learning this new way of communication because she was finally able to express herself again. But she soon found out that there were not really many people to converse with. Basically, the only one she could converse with was her teacher at the community center. And since she had isolated herself from all her friends and family, her hands mostly stayed silent. She would Skype with her dads once in awhile. They put in some effort learning ASL to communicate with her, but these were just some rare moments when Rachel was actually connected so the outside world, to people she knew.

Rachel just did not want to see the pity on people's faces, more so if they knew her from _before_, knew of her dream, of her success, of her _voice_.

Therefore, when she saw Quinn on the street, it had shocked her to her inner core. She still had not gotten over the fact that her former friend had cut her off in the most ungracious way, ignoring her without ever giving an explanation. It had taken Rachel a very, very long time to not think of Quinn anymore on a daily basis; to not pick up the phone and try for the thousandth time to call her, hoping that this time Quinn would actually pick up the phone.

Rachel's career had helped her to get her mind off Quinn. However, her heart was another matter. Her damn traitorous heart was not with her on this one. She just could not forget. Not even after four years. She was still thinking about Quinn a time too often. She was wondering about her, asking herself the same questions over and over again without ever getting an answer.

After the accident, when she found herself in this horrible new world without sound, without music, without singing, she just wished that Quinn were there. Out of all people and friends she had, she was longing for Quinn. The one person who did not want to have anything to do with her.

During her lesson, Rachel was so distracted to the point that her teacher Carmen Rodalba had asked if she wanted to reschedule. Rachel had denied the offer. She managed to concentrate for five minutes before her mind wandered again.

Why did she have to run into Quinn? Why did that have to happen? It woke all the sleeping demons inside her again, she already felt them stirring. She could not handle that right now. It cost her enough effort to get through each damn day. She wanted to forget that little incident on the street that morning. She wanted to forget Quinn Fabray. Rachel wanted to forget her entire former life and everything that came with it. Maybe that would make it easier to face the life she had now.

With that thought still lingering in her mind when the lesson finished, Rachel was so not prepared to see Quinn a second time that day. She felt all the color drain from her face as Quinn's presence washed over her. Panic started to rise. She wanted to dash to the exit, but Quinn was situated between her and the doors. Unsure, Rachel stood rooted to the spot while a whole range of emotions flooded through her. She felt her heart hammer a stampede in her chest. Then she felt a tap on her shoulder and jerked around. Her teacher brought her the textbook that she had forgotten and with that small exchange gave everything away.

Rachel noticed the bewildered look on Quinn's face. Surely she must have guessed by now what had happened to her. Rachel's chest felt tightened; panicky she was looking for a way to get to the exit, away from Quinn and her imploring eyes.

What did Quinn want from her? Why had she come here? Why could she not leave her alone as Rachel had asked her to? What did Quinn expect by coming back for her? Assuming that she _had _come back because of Rachel.

Whatever, how should they communicate now? Moreover, how could Rachel ever tell Quinn what had happened and what it had done to her life? Actually, why would it interest Quinn in the first place? She had not been interested in her for the past years. Surely, she would not want to hang around her now, as damaged and useless as she was. Besides, even if Quinn wanted to talk to her, the difficulty started with the simplest thing.

She could not hear what Quinn was saying, neither was Quinn able to sign.

There was just no basis for communication.

Rachel could still speak though. The accident left her deaf, but she still had her voice. Besides sign language lessons she also had had speech therapy– to learn to modulate her voice without being able to hear herself speak. She had not needed many lessons. Her teacher had been surprised at how well she managed. Then again, with her lifelong practice, all she ever did was train and control her voice. Deaf or not, she could still do that. Granted, it took a lot more effort, but she could manage. And her teacher assured her that if one didn't know about her condition, one would not really hear a difference in her speech. That did not happen often, but he assured her that her training at least paid off in that regard.

As if that was a consolation.

Rachel never used her voice. She just was not comfortable speaking. She had to concentrate so much on the other person's face in order to gauge reactions, to try to read lips, observe their body language, that she found it hard to concentrate on modulating her voice. She did not want to concentrate. She just wanted to speak or sing. It always was so easy to her, why was it so damn hard now?

When she had talked to Quinn on the sidewalk, it was the first time in months that she had used her voice again. She was aware that she was whispering, she felt insecure speaking up after not having used her voice for a long time. Her speech therapist had told her to keep practicing, to find people she trusted to give her feedback. But she had shut everyone out. Therefore, no practice.

Now standing in front of Quinn again, she thought hard on how to escape that situation without giving anything away. When she finally decided to run, Quinn held her by the arm. So, no easy escape.

Quinn was just so obnoxiously stubborn! A streak she had already portrayed during their high school years. Rachel should have expected that Quinn would follow her here. Still, it was really upsetting to be near her again.

Under normal circumstances, she would have been miffed, but mostly glad. She would have demanded an explanation, but she probably would have found a way to forgive Quinn and move on to build a new friendship with her.

Now she just could not see how. She was not the Rachel who Quinn knew anymore. She herself did not even know the new Rachel she had become, much less liked her. She missed taking the world head on, missed her own energetic self, happy to take on any new challenge.

She raised her eyes to Quinn's face, flickered shortly to her eyes before settling on her lips. She understood roughly that Quinn mentioned her name and said something about talking. The rest was unreadable. Quinn's lips moved and Rachel had no idea what she was saying. The frustration she had bagged inside for so long exploded in that moment. She had tried to lock up every emotion inside. But Quinn's presence and all that it presented about her past, about what she had lost was a key. A key that unlocked the chest of her emotions. It broke out of her with a force that stunned even herself. She had not spoken a single word in months. Now Quinn had made her raise her voice twice in one day.

She screamed her rage at Quinn. She blamed Quinn for her ignorance, for her ability to still hear and for trespassing into her life without asking. She did not say it in so many words, but she felt all this bitterness and resentment in her voice when she yelled at Quinn.

"Quinn, stop talking to me! Don't you get it? I can't hear what you are saying. I can't _hear_ you! Just let me go!"

When she saw the look of shock on Quinn's beautiful face Rachel lost it completely. She did not want to be pitied, did not want to be looked down on. When Quinn grabbed her she tried to pull away to get out of this situation she knew she would not be able to control anymore, but the arms that surrounded her were too strong. And her will was breaking down.

Fast.

Before she knew it her struggles turned into sobs and she found herself clinging to Quinn's slender form, burying her head in her jacket. She cried so hard she feared she would faint. If Quinn had not held her so tightly, she probably would have collapsed. It seemed that the frustration, anger, and desperation that she had bottled up for the past months gushed out of her and she just could not stop that torrent of tears.

After what seemed like ages, she finally felt her sobs die down, her breath coming up in short little hiccups. She felt Quinn rubbing her back with her hand, her chin lightly on top of her head. Suddenly she was acutely aware of Quinn's nearness, of her body close to hers, of Quinn's heartbeat that she could feel against the side of her head.

Rachel felt embarrassed all of a sudden. She wanted to pull back but Quinn pressed her against herself once more. After a short hesitation, Rachel just leaned into the embrace again. And just for a small moment, she allowed herself to forget about everything else.

She held Quinn in her arms, and even though Quinn now knew Rachel's truth, she had not run away. Neither did Quinn let her escape, as she had wanted to. Instead, she just embraced Rachel and that embrace told her everything without having to use any words.

After another while, Quinn loosened her arms and pulled back a little. Rachel let go reluctantly, fearing that Quinn would pull away completely after having seen her break down. She could not imagine what Quinn could still be wanting from her. One embrace did not mean anything. She had probably interpreted too much meaning into it.

But the blond woman just cupped Rachel's face in her hands and raised her head to look into her eyes. Rachel's eyes flickered back to Quinn's lips, but they didn't move. So she gazed up into her eyes again. What she saw there, let her tears flow freely again. And she thought she had already cried them all. She did not know that a person could convey so much, so many feelings and meanings in one single look.

Quinn's eyes were full of concern, warmth, and tenderness. She saw hope in these green pools. And something else.

Something she could not quite believe. So she looked again. It was definitely there.

Through her tears, she noticed Quinn smile, bend down a little, and place a kiss on her forehead. God, would this woman ever stop surprising her one way or the other?


	5. Chapter 5

**Again, I do not own Glee or its characters.**

* * *

**Chapter 5**

Quinn looked into those beautiful brown eyes that she had fallen in love with right after falling for Rachel's voice back at McKinley. She tried to convey all her feelings in one look, wanting desperately for Rachel to see, to understand that she would never leave her again. No matter what had happened to her, no matter if she could hear or not.

Quinn still had to digest this and what consequences it brought to Rachel's life, but for now she was just so glad to have found her again. They would manage to overcome this barrier, she was sure of it, but she wasn't sure if Rachel was willing to. After all, how could she trust her again? Quinn would not blame her if she left her standing there, not wanting to traverse further. But something in her heart told her that Rachel would not turn away this time.

And there she stood, smiling shyly, apologetically, wiping the tears from her cheeks. Then Quinn noticed Rachel's gaze shift to her right. She heard someone approaching from behind and turned to look. It was the teacher who had handed Rachel the book earlier on.

"Rachel, are you ok?" The tutor signed as she spoke, concern lacing her voice.

Rachel nodded.

_Yes, thank you_, she signed as she mouthed the words without sound, suddenly feeling very self-conscious in Quinn's presence.

Rachel's teacher looked at Quinn and after a short hesitation, she extended her hand.

"Hi, I'm Carmen, Rachel's ASL coach."

"Hi, I'm Quinn. An old… friend of Rachel's from High School. Nice to meet you." Again the words were accompanied with Carmen's signing for Rachel's benefit.

Quinn touched Rachel's forearm lightly to get her attention.

"Rachel." With a quizzical expression, Quinn then looked at Carmen. The dark haired women understood immediately and positioned herself next to Quinn. This way Rachel would be able to see Quinn and Carmen's interpretation. With a short nod of her head and a smile, she motioned Quinn to continue, while she could interpret for the other young woman.

Quinn took a deep breath.

"Would you… would you like to have some lunch with me?"

Rachel did not answer at first. Quinn noticed her chew on her lower lip, a habit she had also displayed in high school when she was unsure of something or when she was deep in thoughts.

The blond young woman already feared she would decline. She noticed Rachel's gaze flicker to the exit. Clearly, she felt uncomfortable. Quinn understood that under these circumstances, her unbidden presence must have put Rachel under immense pressure. She was about to back out of her offer and already took a breath to offer her friend a way out when Rachel nodded.

Quinn's heart almost leaped out of her chest with so much joy that small concession from her friend had brought her. Could she call her _friend_, still?

"Rachel, I … don't know ASL very well. Some words I remember from classes in middle school, but I am far from fluent." She smiled apologetically. "I don't want … I don't want us to feel awkward. What form of communication are you comfortable with if there is no interpreter?"

Quinn fervently hoped that she had not offended Rachel with that open and honest question. She tried to relay all her feelings into her own eyes, wishing the brown haired girl would be able to read everything in them. She wanted Rachel to see that she was willing to do whatever it took to get back into her former best friend's life. She was willing to adapt to however that life looked like now. Her only wish was to make Rachel comfortable, so she could learn to trust her again.

Rachel seemed to ponder the question. Carmen wanted to say something to her but Rachel stopped her with her hand held up.

_Paper and pen usually does the trick_. She moved her hands while Carmen spoke the words aloud. Then Rachel dug into her bag and pulled out a little notebook. She scribbled something on an empty page and handed it to Quinn.

Quinn almost had to smile at the flourishing handwriting. Except for the missing little circles on the i's it was still the same handwriting she knew. The familiarity gave her a warm feeling.

_I know a small but good vegan __:-) Restaurant nearby. _

Quinn had to laugh at the smiley. She jutted her chin out to the direction of the door and smiled. Rachel quickly thanked Carmen and walked next to Quinn towards the door. Outside she pointed to the left and Quinn followed her lead.

While walking down the sidewalk, they both stole glances at each other every time they thought the other wasn't looking. They tried to gauge each other's moods, both hoping that the other girl did not regret the decision of having lunch together.

After walking a block, Quinn touched Rachel's right arm. When she turned with a questioning look on her face, Quinn wrapped her again in a hearty embrace and held her for a moment. When she let her go again, Rachel had a little frown on her face and a small smile as if to ask _what was that all about._

Quinn shrugged and looked sheepishly on the ground, a smile playing around her lips. Her actions had surprised herself. She just had to let Rachel know how thankful she was for their encounter, however dramatic it had been.

... ... ...

Rachel found herself walking through the streets beside Quinn feeling… feeling oddly… she was searching for the right word. Feeling somehow lighter. As if some of the heaviness on her heart had been lifted.

She was also surprised at how live could change from one second to the next. Just like her accident had changed her whole life in an instant, the meeting with Quinn etched a door into one of her self-erected walls all of a sudden. Well, maybe not a full door. But a hatch.

Still, Quinn would have a lot of explaining to do and all of that in this paper pencil style would be very arduous and time consuming. That thought sobered her up. All of a sudden, her mood changed again to that well-known dread.

What on earth was she thinking? Going to lunch with someone? Not just someone, Quinn! Rachel still could not grasp what she was doing and what Quinn really wanted from her. This wasn't a game. This was her life now. She could not let Quinn enter just to watch her leave again as soon as she noticed that she could not have a normal conversation with her anymore. Not if she was not able to speak _her_ language. Everything was so much more complicated.

After stripping everything else off, it came down to the point that there was no music left in Rachel Berry's life. Rachel had also followed Quinn's career moves. Quinn was a singer on Broadway! How could she want a deaf friend? The little familiar voice kept nagging inside her head and lead her to slow her steps until she came to a stop. Quinn turned around and furrowed her brow.

Rachel shook her head and looked down. She had to escape those green, imploring eyes. God, she had always thought that Quinn had the most beautiful eyes but only now Rachel noticed that Quinn could speak volumes in just a single glance, putting all her feelings into one look, transmitting so much without words. She could _read_ Quinn like no one else. Quinn's eyes found their way directly into her soul.

It scared her.

A piece of paper entered her field of vision.

_Rachel, I don't want to force you to do anything you don't want to. But don't expect me to give up on you again! If you walk, I walk with you. If you hide again, I will hide with you. I will __stay.__ No matter what._

Rachel shook her head and raised her shoulders and mouthed without a sound _why?_

Damn, she felt tears filling her eyes again.

_Let's sit down and let's get something to eat. Then we can discuss this further, ok? C'mon :-)__._

She could almost hear Quinn's silky voice behind the written words. Quinn did not wait for an answer but tenderly took her right hand and tugged playfully. Rachel felt her feet moving on their own. What now, not just her heart, her feet also betrayed her now? Such traitors!

They found a booth in the corner of the almost empty restaurant. Quinn let Rachel choose and she picked the side of the table where she had the rest of the room in front of her and the wall behind her. This way, she had everything in her field of vision and no one could startle her from behind.

It did not really look like a typical vegan place. It rather reminded Quinn of a diner straight from the 60s. The floor was covered in black and white tiles, the bar and walls up to the elbows were painted in petrol and the seats of the booths and stools at the bar were spanned in yellow artificial leather. The bar itself looked like the front end of an enormous stylized old Cadillac.

Quinn decided to start their conversation with a light topic.

_You know, this place looks like they serve meat burgers instead of tofu…_

The observation had the desired effect. Rachel smiled at the comment and scribbled an answer.

_I know. This used to be a burger joint, but the new owner liked the interior design so much so he decided to keep it that way. I like it!_

_Burger "joint"? Rachel, really?_ Quinn teased with a mischievous smile on her face.

Rachel waved dismissively with a hand at Quinn's comment.

_It's written like that in the menu when you look at the first page. _

They both buried their heads in the menus and took a few minutes to select their meal.

Quinn looked up and met Rachel's brown eyes. The blonde smiled, feeling shy all of a sudden under the scrutiny of Rachel's gaze. Then Rachel waved a little with the menu and looked quizzically at Quinn. The blonde turned her menu upside down so Rachel could read it and pointed to the fried rice with tofu and grilled vegetables. She nodded her approval and showed Quinn what she would order.

When the waitress approached, Quinn ordered her own food. With a glance at Rachel, she asked for her permission to order for her as well.

Rachel was surprised. It seemed so natural and so easy around Quinn. She did not pretend and she did not decide for her. She accepted her and at the same time adapted to her needs without much show or pretense.

It was so much more difficult with her dads. Well, it had gotten better, but she felt just horrible around them in the beginning. They had really been trying but were either overbearing or more devastated than she was; one of the reasons she had decided to stay in New York.

Rachel felt a tap on her hand. Quinn slid the pad towards her.

_Where are you? You seemed a million miles away._

_Thinking about my dads. _

_Do you miss them? __Don't you wanna go... _

Quinn scratched the last sentence she had begun to write.

Rachel frowned at the crossed out words. Quinn made a dismissive gesture, indicating she should forget about it. Instead the brunette started to note something down.

Quinn craned her neck to read and when she did not succeed, she simply shifted over and sat next to Rachel so she could get the life stream of her words.

_Yes. I miss them. But I was remembering – before I was interrupted :-) __- that I just could not bear to stay around them. It was too hard. I lost my hearing, but they acted as if they had lost everything. I was so confused, so lonely, and so hurt in the beginning. I needed their support but it was more as if __I__ had to comfort __them__. It took more strength than I could give. Therefore, I decided to stay here. I could finally convince them to go back and leave me here by myself. _

Rachel paused for a moment.

_Besides, even though I understood that this city would never mean the same for me, I could not turn my back yet. Going back to Lima would have meant I failed. I just couldn't face that yet. Though I have no idea how my future will look like…_

She gently laid the pen down and stared at the paper. The pen rolled off the pad and landed on the table with a little chunk.

Quinn reached out and stopped herself. Then she slowly placed her hand over Rachel's and squeezed it lightly. Before she could reply, the waitress approached with their food.

It tasted delicious and Quinn enjoyed the meal. Though she noticed that Rachel did not eat much, she pushed the food around on the plate. The brunette had always been a picky eater, but when she liked something, she would display a healthy desire for food. So maybe it was the company that spoiled her appetite, Quinn thought glumly.

Too soon, her own plate was empty and she dreaded the moment she had to say goodbye to Rachel. She did not want to leave her nor did she wish for Rachel to leave. She was desperately raking her brain to find a reason to delay the inevitable. She still had so many questions she wanted to ask!

_What's the look of panic on your face, Quinn?_

Damn, busted.

_I am worried that you will starve. You haven't eaten anything. Bad company? :-)  
Rachel, if I spoiled the mood with my questions, I apologize. It is not my place to make such personal inquiries. Even though I still have many...:-) _

Quinn smiled at Rachel while she read it, hoping to lighten the mood again.

_How about I ask some questions now for a change? _

Quinn nodded once at that.

_What were you doing in this part of the town? And why did you follow me after I told you I didn't want to speak to you?_

Uh, ok, coming down to the grain now. Quinn collected her thoughts for a moment.

_I went with a friend to the Beacon Theater. They're having auditions for a new show. I have my day off, so I offered to accompany her.  
As for your second question, I had been thinking of you for a long long time. Thinking of all the wrongs I did you for whatever good reasons I thought I had, but I realized that I couldn't go on without you in my life. It felt like… there was always something missing. So I started looking for you. I swore to myself that I would figure out what made you abandon your dream, disappearing completely off the surface of the earth. _

Quinn debated whether to write the next sentence. Then she decided to stick to open honesty.

_I called you yesterday and left a message on your voice mail. Rachel, I'm really sorry, I didn't know… I shouldn't have… well, your old number was the only thing that I still had to start with. It was a surprise that it still worked. I almost expected it to be out of service. _

Rachel plucked the pen out of her fingers.

_Elaborate. Why did you decide you needed me in your life all of a sudden?_

_I didn't decide "all of a sudden". I knew it from the first moment. I think I already fell for you way back then. The only problem was that I didn't want to face the truth, even though it was almost unbearable to spend my time apart from you. But…_ Quinn stopped writing and felt the tears threatening to come out behind her eyes. She looked up and took a deep breath, her eyes roaming the restaurant without seeing anything, just trying to get a hold on her feelings.

Rachel tapped a small finger at the "but", indicating for her friend to continue.

_Rachel, I don't want to go there if it hurts you too much. _

_Go where? _

_In order to explain myself I have to explain what you and your talent meant to me. But I can understand that you might not want to discuss this._

Rachel stared at the notepad and did not move for several moments. Then she bit her lower lip.

_Well, that talent is no more. And you are right. It hurts too much. Let's get the check, ok?_

Quinn was slightly taken aback by Rachel's words. Though she could understand and she had asked for it. Nevertheless, she feared that the slight bond she had felt developing between them had ripped again.

She stole a glance at the brunette. Rachel sat with her hands folded in her lap, solemnly staring at the table, avoiding Quinn's gaze.

... ... ...

Rachel felt a tumult of feelings raging inside her when she read Quinn's words. Was it true? She actually wanted Rachel in her life? And what did she mean by 'I fell for you'? Well, whatever it meant, that was obviously a long time ago and before Quinn knew what had happened.

On the other hand, Quinn had not abandoned her so far, she even went to have lunch with her. And overall it wasn't as bad Rachel had expected it to be. Somehow, she had not felt left out. Quinn had managed to include her. Even though she had ordered, she had asked for her permission to do so. She did not _assume_, as most people did. Rachel had to admit that Quinn was really making an effort here.

Rachel felt the note pad nudge her hand slightly. She lifted her eyes and scanned the sentence she had written again. _…that talent is no more_. Then her eyes dropped to the newly added line from Quinn.

_Rachel, but __you__ still are. And __you__ still mean a lot to me._

Rachel felt the beautiful green eyes on her. She could not quite bring herself to meet them. It was all so confusing. She had expected to have everything under control, all her feelings stowed away neatly into some place where they would never surface again. But as Quinn drifted back into her life, all these emotions washed back into her heart. And there was nothing she could do about it.

On one hand, she felt so inexplicably happy that Quinn was sitting here next to her, that she was actually interested in her, wanted to know how she was. On the other hand, it just made Rachel's loss even more prominent.

As long as she was alone, she could try to ignore the fact that she was deaf. Well, try. Though never completely succeed. As soon as she interacted with another person, she became painfully aware of her limitations. It was present in every single moment. She was different. She was a bother. People had to accommodate to her needs. Rachel did not want to feel like that. She did not want to be a burden. So she stayed by herself.

Yes, she was used to other people accommodating to her needs. However, that was because she had this incredible talent and nourishing it just had meant for others to step back and let her take the lead. Sometimes she had forced this more than necessary, she had realized belatedly.

However, the difference then was, she had always had a choice. Now she didn't.

Quinn also had a choice. And she had chosen to stay. Even though it was still difficult for Rachel to gauge Quinn's true feelings. She wished so much to hear her voice. Hear the sincerity ring behind the words she had pinned down on the lined paper. So finally, she raised her eyes and met Quinn's gaze and saw the truth behind the words she had written.

She practically begged for Rachel to believe her. There was something else in Quinn's eyes that caused Rachel to catch her breath. She almost reached out to her friend in a close embrace, but stopped herself just in time.

She could not let that happen. The doubts still lingered, despite all the pretty words the blond had written down. Could she trust Quinn ever again? No. She would not let Quinn ride into her life like her knight in shining armor to save her from the dreary life as a deaf girl with dead dreams. Rachel had already opened up too much for her own good. It would be difficult to live through the memories of these two encounters with Quinn.

Rachel pulled out her wallet and searched for the waitress, ignoring Quinn's pleading look. She pulled out some bills and placed them on the table. She had to leave. Now.

_Please Quinn, I need to go. I can't do this anymore now. _

When she saw that Quinn had read the sentence, she stuffed the legal pad in her bag and stood, pointedly avoiding eye contact with Quinn. Thus making it very clear that she had ended their conversation, not giving the other woman a chance at reconnecting.

Quinn sat stunned at the table, and Rachel hoped that she would just let her leave. However, a small traitorous part inside her was almost a little disappointed that there was no hand holding her back.

Outside she took a deep breath. She knew that she was acting irrationally, but she could not help herself. She had lived too long in her cocoon to let someone in so quickly.

When she reached her apartment, all she wanted was for sleep to wash away the memory about the last hours. But her mind would not let her rest. And sleep deprived her, usually the only remedy that had always helped to end the carousel of thoughts in her head.

Finally Rachel got up again and sat on the couch with her laptop and stared at the empty screen for a long time. Her mobile phone lay next to her on the cushion. Then she snatched it, connected it to the laptop and opened a software that allowed her to transcribe speech into written text. After a short moment, Quinn's message flickered across her screen.


	6. Chapter 6

**I apologize for the long wait! **

**Thanks to all of you sending reviews and following my story! I am currently reviewing the following chapters and I am already working on chapter 12… so there is a lot more to come!**

** gllover22 and RVNola546:** **What happened to Rachel will come up, but a bit later in the story.**

**I don't own glee or its characters.**

* * *

**Chapter 6**

After Rachel had left, Quinn sat for a while at the table, not knowing what to do. She had to fight the urge to run after her friend again. She was so afraid that she had hurt Rachel, afraid that she could not make her understand what she really felt.

How could she demonstrate to Rachel that her motives were far more than simple pity? Quinn was most afraid that Rachel thought she wanted to stay in contact just because she felt sorry for her. Rachel would never accept that. It was all right to feel sad; it was also all right to cry together as they had done in the hallway that morning. But Quinn once promised herself to never feel pity for anyone and Rachel would never see that on her face. She deserved better than that.

Quinn had always perceived it as one of the worst feelings someone could confront her with. Feeling pity for someone meant that you belittled the other person. The picture of someone sitting in a ditch and other people were looking down thinking _'boy, am I glad that I am not in that pit'_ had always appeared in her mind whenever she thought about pity. She always imagined that this was where the word 'pity' came from. Or from the French word 'petite', which meant small or little. In any case, it only held negative connotations for her.

She had learnt the hard way at high school after her car accident. She could handle open and honest questions, even rudeness or carelessness by others whenever another backpack smacked her again. But never pity.

Pity told her that people only saw her loss and what she had become on the outside – a girl sitting in a wheelchair. But they never looked deeper. Because they wallowed in their own relief at not being like her. Actually, pity was quite a selfish feeling for people who thought themselves being in a superior position.

She did not confuse this with feeling _for_ someone. Empathy was a good thing to a certain degree, which brought Quinn back to her initial thought. How did she feel, really?

Quinn was shocked beyond measure when she learned the reason for Rachel's disappearance. Though she dared not ask how it happened – somehow it had not felt right to ask yet. She had been treading on very thin ice already. Thinking about Rachel's loss, she felt as if her own heart was squeezed by an iron fist. Bravely, she fought to keep her composure.

What did it mean for her that she would never to be able to hear again? Not only was she unable to communicate to a certain extent, but she would also never be able to hear music again, to sing. It was the greatest tool Rachel had to express herself. If words failed her, she could always rely on her music. Now that that was taken away from her, what was left of Rachel? Who was she on the inside? Where did she take the strength from to get up every day and keep on living? Quinn was not sure she would have been able – would have wanted - to carry on in that situation. So what was it that kept Rachel going?

Rachel intrigued Quinn yet again. There were so many layers to the other woman. And she had thought she already knew Rachel so well. Apparently that did not seem to be true.

Quinn wanted to peel away all the layers and find the inner core that fueled Rachel. It would be the most precious thing Quinn could ever discover, that she was sure of. Maybe Rachel was not aware that she still carried this inner treasure. She would very much like to help Rachel rediscover it.

If that motor had driven Rachel over the past years towards her dream, it could help drive her again towards a different goal - whatever that goal would be now. Maybe they could find out together. As long as that motor was still running, there was still hope.

And not only for Rachel, but also for Quinn, because that motor also fueled her life.

This revelation finally reached Quinn's consciousness. Had she allowed herself to dig a little deeper in the past, she would have noted that a long time ago. Why else was it so difficult to stay away from Rachel and at the same time still secretly following her path? Just to stay connected to her somehow. Even if it was just knowing where she was and what she did and nothing else. What a fool Quinn had been to deny herself her true feelings and to waste all that precious time.

The waitress gave her a worried look when she collected the bills.

"Is everything ok, hon?"

Quinn shook her head and answered with a thick voice.

"I don't know." Quinn did not kid herself. Even though Rachel had not given up yet, the blonde had noted the toll the whole condition took on Rachel and how much it had dampened her spirit.

She stood up, collected her bag from the seat, and put on her jacket.

"Oh, don't worry, everything will be fine. Some things just need time." The older woman assured her with a warm smile.

Quinn had no idea where the elder lady took that confidence from. But she knew one thing. She would do whatever it took to show Rachel how much she meant to her; had _always_ meant to her.

Before leaving, she finally made a long overdue dash into the bathroom. She had not dared to leave Rachel during lunch, fearing she would come back and find an empty table.

When she stood outside on the sidewalk she had already formed a plan. Quinn felt the fist squeezing her heart loosen its grip for the slightest bit.

She traced her way back to the Community Center, hoping to find Carmen, because she wanted to ask her for some advice.

... ... ...

Quinn found the dark haired woman in the same classroom she had watched her exit from earlier. Carmen sat behind her desk, bent over some papers, a pen poised over the text.

The white blouse she was wearing was a stark contrast to her raven black hair, Quinn noticed. Again, the woman reminded her of Santana and Quinn made a mental note to call her old friend. They had not spoken in weeks, both being very busy with their careers, and somehow the days were always too short. Then again, what happened to Rachel taught her a lesson. You could lose what you took for granted a little too quickly. Quinn knocked on the doorframe and waited for the other woman to look up.

"Excuse me."

Carmen recognized her immediately. "Oh, hello! Quinn, right? What can I do for you?" She motioned at a chair for Quinn to sit.

Quinn stepped closer and took a seat in the first row. Carmen stood up and came over to sit next to her.

"Ms Rodalaba…"

"Call me Carmen." She offered with a warm smile. "Is everything ok?"

Even though Carmen had not mentioned Rachel's name Quinn instinctively knew that she was asking about her. Quinn simply nodded. Then, without beating around the bush, she decided to come straight to the point.

"Carmen, I would like to learn sign language. And I would like to know…" she paused, searching for the right words. "I would like to know how to avoid stupid mistakes when being around a person that… that cannot hear." She finished quietly.

Carmen studied her for a while. She also had dark eyes, but compared to Rachel's warm brown tone, hers were almost black. It was hard to read what went on behind them. Quinn had the feeling Carmen was measuring her up; searching for something. What was she looking for? Sincerity, perhaps?

If Quinn had never been sincere about anything, she was absolutely sincere about Rachel. She never wanted to hurt or disappoint her again. She needed Rachel in her life. Quinn would learn everything that was necessary in order to enter Rachel's new, soundless world. She just hoped that Rachel would let her in.

Whatever Carmen was looking for, she seemed to be satisfied, judging by her next words.

"Quinn, I appreciate your thoughtfulness. And I think Rachel could use a friend right now. A real friend. Especially someone she could communicate with."

She quickly looked away before fixing her gaze again on Quinn.

"I couldn't help but overlook what happened in the hallway this morning. Are you two close friends? Rachel never mentioned…" Carmen broke off when she noticed Quinn shaking her head.

Ashamed, the blond young woman fixed her eyes on her hands in her lap.

"Quinn, please don't get me wrong. I do not want to pry. And I am not judging you. However, I noticed that Rachel is not well. She is depressed and I fear that she has isolated herself completely from the rest of the world. I am actually surprised that she still comes to her lessons every day. She built all these walls around her, keeping everyone at a distance. What I saw this morning was the first time that Rachel let down her guard and actually connected with someone."

"Connected?" Quinn asked doubtfully. "Carmen, I… " Quinn took a deep breath debating on how much she should actually open up to the woman that she barely knew. However, there was something honest and caring about her that made Quinn trust her.

"Carmen, Rachel was a successful Broadway singer before she became …deaf." It was so hard saying this word. "Losing her hearing was probably not just very difficult. It must have meant losing her life. Losing all her dreams, everything she has ever lived for. But I'm sure you already know that."

All of a sudden, the words came rushing out of Quinn's mouth before she could stop them.

"And it hurts so much to see her so defeated and broken. And the worst part is that I _wasn't_ a good friend to her. I broke off contact with her four years ago." Quinn wrung her hands in her lap. She felt so stupid and selfish all of a sudden. Ashamed, she continued, not having the strength to look Carmen in the eye. She kept her gaze trained on the floor.

"Rachel just has this incredible voice and talent and I feared that I would drown in her shadow if I stayed near her. I was working on my own career to become a singer and actor. So I stopped talking to her, taking her calls… I basically pretended that she did not exist. And I never even explained to her why."

"So this is about you, and not Rachel? About your guilt?"

Carmen sincerely hoped that she had not misjudged the young woman sitting in front of her. She hoped for Rachel's sake. The girl desperately needed a person she could confide in, trust, communicate with and share her feelings with. Otherwise, Carmen was not sure how much longer Rachel could stay upright, even though she was already positively surprised to see her entering the classroom for their lessons every day without failing.

"Yes. No. I don't know! I just know that staying away from Rachel was the hardest thing I ever did. I don't know how I could ever believe that just because Rachel had such a great talent _I_ would never have a chance to succeed. She had always believed in me. But _I_ didn't. I did not believe in myself. I knew that I could not live depending on her belief in me alone. I had to find my strength on my own. At what cost?" She shook her head. "And I never managed to completely shut her out of my live. I secretly followed her career, even went to see her on stage once."

A smile graced Quinn's features at the memory. Carmen noticed a light starting to glimmer in Quinn's eyes.

"And she was so amazing! You should have seen her on stage! Her voice, oh god, it is the most beautiful and powerful voice I have ever heard!" Then, as if a switch had been turned, her eyes darkened.

Carmen crocked her head slightly but stayed silent. She knew that not only the person becoming deaf suffered a lot. The people that cared about them also had to come to terms with it somehow. After a moment Quinn continued.

"And then, all of a sudden Rachel disappeared. I couldn't track her, no one knew what happened. I could not stand it any longer. I _had_ to find her. I _had_ to know what had happened. I was so worried! I didn't understand why she would give up her dream at that point of her career." She uttered a sad laugh. "Now I know."

"So you came here." Carmen stated.

"No. Not on purpose. I ran into her by chance this morning. She was on her way here and I was accompanying a friend to an audition at the _Beacon_." Quinn let her eyes wander around the room, not looking at anything in particular. "I called Rachel on her mobile yesterday, though. I _called_ her! I mean…How inconsiderate was that? Well I didn't know about it then…" She rubbed her fingers across her forehead.

The dark haired teacher placed a hand on Quinn's knee. There was something about the young woman that intrigued Carmen. The way she spoke about Rachel and the emotion that filled her beautiful face led Carmen to believe that Quinn was not looking for a quick fix to remedy a broken friendship. She seemed really sincere about Rachel; she seemed to care very deeply. And something told her that Quinn would not give up easily, that she would fight for this friendship to be built up again. That was something that Rachel desperately needed - someone to show her that they still valued Rachel as a person, trying to find means and ways to go beyond the outer surface.

"Quinn, don't berate yourself. This accident was not your fault. I can understand that you feel guilty. That you feel you missed wonderful years with your friend. And that you missed hearing her singing, something that will probably never happen again. Look at me." She then gently prodded.

"What happened to Rachel was not your fault. Ok? This could have happened even if the two of you had stayed friends."

"But maybe not! I mean, I don't even know how it happened." She looked questioningly at the older woman.

"Well, you better ask Rachel herself. You know, Quinn, you should not lecture yourself over the past. These things are done and cannot be changed."

Quinn knew that in her heart, but it still stung to hear it out loud. Oh, how she wished she _could_ go back and make everything right!

"Maybe you and Rachel can become friends again. This morning, you gave Rachel something very special. Something she probably did not receive from many people since she became deaf." The last word felt again like a slap in Quinn's face. It sounded so final. And _so_ wrong!

Carmen continued when Quinn did not comment. She smiled when she said the next words.

"Quinn, you gave her respect. And you gave her acceptance." When Carmen noticed that Quinn did not quite follow, she explained.

"Rachel has probably made the experience that people turn away from her, that they do not know how to communicate with her, that they feel uncomfortable and awkward around her. She probably anticipates these reactions with every encounter she has with another person. And these expectations are already so anchored in her mind that she decided to not get in touch with anyone at all, out of fear of being ridiculed or not being understood. So she has isolated herself, she feels left out. People just don't make an effort to take a step towards her. She has become an outsider."

Carmen smiled again at Quinn. "Then you came along, and upon learning about her condition you did _not_ turn away. You did not leave her and you did not make her feel like a fool by making exaggerated hand gestures or by over pronouncing your words and lip movements. Believe me I have seen that happen and it can be offending if it comes across in the wrong way, even if people mean well. This is another level of extreme compared to the other ignorance."

Carmen leaned forward a little to emphasize her next words.

"You, Quinn, you acknowledged her condition without question. And you had the courage to address it head on by asking her what would make _her_ comfortable. Honestly, I don't think anyone has asked her that simple question before. Most people think of how uncomfortable _they_ feel instead. You took her face value and most importantly, you did not allow her to think anything less of herself. You stepped up to her and did not look down on her. And by holding her back, by not letting her escape, you made her realize that there is a person who still cares about her, no matter what."

"But I didn't for a long time! I mean, at least I did not show that I cared. I cannot blame her for wanting to run away from me. How can she ever trust me again?" Quinn sounded desperate.

Carmen smiled encouragingly. "Quinn, for what it's worth. You were here today and you stood by her. And in the end Rachel agreed to have lunch with you. Believe me; you must have done something right." She ended with a small laugh that provoked at least a tiny smile on Quinn's lips.

"Yes, but then I didn't. She left me at the restaurant after we finished eating."

"Give her some time. Put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel? With your honesty and openness towards her and her condition, you walked right through her walls. Well, at least dented them a little. Let her digest what happened today." The teacher paused for a moment.

"I did not know that she was a singer." Carmen then added. "She does not talk much about herself, we mostly stick to the lessons in the books. She blocks any attempt at social conversation as soon as it goes into a personal direction."

"Oh." Quinn had a stricken look on her face. "My god and I blurted everything out like a babbling child. I am sorry, Carmen. I really did not mean to pour my heart out, much less betray Rachel's confidence by talking behind her back if she…"

Carmen's hand on Quinn's forearm stopped her.

"Quinn, I am actually glad you told me. This helps me understand Rachel a bit better. And I will not tell her. Maybe you should tell her about our conversation eventually. This would be the honest way."

"God, and she will hate me for that. First, I didn't show for years, then I broke into her world twice _and_ talked to her teacher behind her back. And all that on the same day."

"Well, life's a bitch." Carmen chuckled, trying to lighten the mood a bit. "Come one. As I have said. I am sure you two will find a way back to your friendship. It just needs time and patience. Maybe let Rachel take the next step. Now, you wanted to know about ASL and behavior around deaf people?"

Quinn nodded. She told Carmen about the lessons in ASL she had in middle school and to her surprise, when Carmen showed her some basic signs Quinn's memory came back with some things she remembered.

The two women also agreed on a schedule so Quinn could take up regular lessons. As she had to attend most evening shows for the upcoming weeks, they decided on early morning meetings for two consecutive weeks to jumpstart Quinn's conversation ability.

When Quinn left the center, the sun came out between two clouds. She turned her face towards the sun and closed her eyes, savoring the warmth on her face. This warmth made her think of Rachel again. She wondered where she was now. And how she was feeling.

Slowly Quinn turned towards home. She had texted her friend this morning that she would call her in the evening to learn how the audition went. Luckily, Jenna was understanding, as she had observed the meeting between Rachel and Quinn in front of the theater.

Rachel.

She wished she could call her as well.


	7. Chapter 7

**I still don't own Glee. Which is too sad, really.**

* * *

**Chapter 7**

Later in the evening, Rachel called her dads via Skype.

_Hi dad! _She signed when Hiram appeared in front of the screen.

_Hi Rachel, that's a surprise! How are you? We are sorry we missed your call yesterday. _

Hiram, as well as his daughter stayed close to the English syntax when signing. And even though not all words that were usually pronounced in spoken English were signed in ALS, Rachel pieced the words together in her head so it actually seemed like a full sentence.

_Dad, I need to ask you a favor. _

Hiram noticed a flush on his daughters face. She seemed somewhat changed. There was a little color back on her cheeks. Or was it just the screen?

_Of course, what is it, honey?_

Rachel hesitated a moment. Then she picked up her mobile phone that lay next to her computer.

_Dad, I … I have received a voice message. From Quinn. I... I know what she says. It's just…_ she paused her hands and bit her lower lip. Then continued hesitantly.

_I want to know how it sounds like, her voice. I mean _how_ did Quinn say it. _

She emphasized the word "how" with a stronger motion of her hand and paused a second before continuing with the rest of the sentence.

Hiram swallowed. So that was it. Quinn had finally tried to contact Rachel. Even though Rachel had never much talked about how hurt she had been, Hiram and Leroy had noticed how badly it had affected her when Quinn had broken off contact. Usually - well, at least before the accident - Rachel had shared almost everything with her dads. The fact, that she kept unusually quiet about what Quinn's absence and disregard had done to her, told them enough. This must have hurt their daughter deeper than she had let on.

Hiram knew that he would have to do this right. His daughter would not have asked if it was not important to her. He also knew it must have cost her a lot of strength to come up with that request. For one, because it involved Quinn and for the other, acknowledging that some other person had to listen to something and interpret for her, was not something Rachel would ask lightly.

He nodded.

_Of course._

Rachel activated the voice mail and held it close to the microphone. She intently watched Hiram's face for any reaction while he was listening to the message. He closed his eyes to concentrate better. The transmission was probably not the best. Could he hear it all right? She tried not to fidget while she waited. Oh, how much she wished she could hear that voice herself!

When Hiram opened his eyes again Rachel guessed the message was finished. She tried not to look too hopeful. Though she did hope that her dad would convey the emotions _behind_ the words in a way she could comprehend. His ASL was not really fluent. She did not blame him. Rachel knew her dads were trying at least.

The language was so complex and involved so many layers, such as facial expressions, body composure and many more. Even though she herself had taken up lessons on a daily basis for the past five months now, she nonetheless felt that there was still so much to learn. And like every other language, there was a difference between learning it as a child and having to learn it as an adult. As Rachel had no other choice, she put in a great effort. Not that she currently had much chance to express herself in her self-isolation. But should she ever feel ready to break out of that containment field, she wanted to be ready.

Rachel was drawn back to the screen in front of her. Her dad waved his hand in front of the camera to get her attention.

_Rachel, you ok?_

She nodded.

_Yes, sorry. Just remembered something, _she half-lied. She did not feel like explaining what had just gone through her mind.

Even though she knew how complex the language was, a part of her still expected her dads to make a better effort. It was her _only_ way of communication, writing or typing messages aside.

_I will type the next sentences. I am not familiar with some of the words._

She nodded, her shoulders sagging a bit wondering if he had just read her thoughts. If he did, then he had definitely misunderstood.

If she communicated more with her dads, maybe they would also see the necessity to learn more. And they probably would learn quicker through the practice with her. She guessed that it was still hard for them to accept the facts and therefore accepting the necessity of learning to sign properly. This form of denying did not help much in moving forward.

Something that could ring true for her as well, she thought ruefully.

In the text box next to her dad's picture the words started flickering across the screen.

_Rachel, Quinn sounded sincere. I get the feeling she was really worried about you._

She stared at the text, willing her dad to write more. Come on, that couldn't be it. When nothing happened she prompted him impatiently, also typing.

_Dad, please, what else?_

_What do you mean what else?_

Rachel rolled her eyes. Oh, sometimes it was just so frustrating having two dads! Two men who sometimes just had no idea how to get down to the subtleties of life. Rachel suppressed a sigh. Kurt though, he would have understood. Well, he was not in her new life anymore like all the others that she had left behind with her voice. She concentrated again at the ongoing conversation.

_Was she just worried or was there something else? Dad, it is important to me, please!_

Hiram looked at his daughter. He noticed the hopeful spark in her eyes. And he desperately wanted to keep that alive. Her eyes had been dead for so long. Then he formed with his hands the signs for _let_, sweeping his two hands forward and away from his body, his index finger and thumb of each hand forming an L. Then he pointed at himself for _me_. _Listen _followed by cupping his ear with his right hand. The word _again_ was expressed by moving his fingertips of his right hand into the open, flat palm of his left with an arching motion.

_Let me listen again._

Rachel pressed the play button on her phone anew, grateful that her dad took the effort to sign, even though it would have been easier and quicker for him to just type the words. Maybe she should give him some credit.

After Hiram had heard the message for the second time he really wondered what was going on.

The words appeared on the screen again.

_As said before, Quinn sounded very sincere. A little desperate, even. I think she was really concerned about what happened to you. It sounded honest when she said that she truly missed you. There was also an urgency in her voice… I don't know how to describe it better. I really think she meant every word she said. Does that help? _

Rachel smiled for her dad's benefit and screamed 'n_ooooo'_ in her head. It was not enough! It would never be enough having to listen to someone describing how something or someone sounded. Especially when it came to a certain blonde. But she conceded signing a quick _Yes, thanks, dad!_

After ending the call, she leaned back in her chair and played absentmindedly with the phone in her hand, staring at the translated voice message once more.

Meeting Quinn had opened her own Pandora's box. And she had no idea how to close it again. Deep in her heart, she knew that running into Quinn was all she ever wanted for the past four years. She had envisioned their meeting countless times in her head.

Quinn apologizing profoundly, Rachel being aloof and unforgiving. At first.  
Quinn begging on her knees to be heard, Rachel graciously giving her another chance.  
Quinn standing in front of her apartment, waiting to be let in while Rachel played the smoldering diva until finally relenting to Quinn's pleas.

She had so many different scenarios in her head that she could fill a book with them. But never – _never_ – had she imagined their encounter the way it really happened.

Though there was one thing all her imagined scenarios and the real meeting had in common. In the end, Rachel was glad as hell that Quinn had come back. And she had never dared to imagine anything beyond that first meeting. She was afraid of feeding false hopes.

So now she was standing in front of an empty canvass. Her mind was blank. What would happen now? What should she do?

If she were not living in this hell of silence now, her choice would come easy. But these feelings of inadequacy and still trying to get used to living in this strange soundless world had made her very cautious about interacting with other people. Rachel was actually surprised in retrospect that she had agreed to share lunch with Quinn. At a public restaurant no less! What was it that had pushed her out of her comfort zone? Or should she say 'pulled'?

Somehow, once Quinn had assessed the situation and understood what had happened to her, communicating was so much easier with her than with any other person. Except for Carmen, maybe. But that was different. She was trained to work with people who lost their hearing. So that did not count.

Rachel was on a roller coaster of emotions. One moment she fell down in a break neck speed into her current situation, then another moment she saw Quinn's eyes in front of her that picked her up and pushed her on top of the mountain again. Just to fall back down on the other side into doubts and self-destructive thoughts again.

After what seemed like endless hours debating with herself and running in circles, she smacked her hand flat on the desk in frustration. In her mind she heard the sound her hand made upon connecting with the smooth surface. This finally seemed to break the vicious circle in her head. She made a decision. Quickly she typed a message on her mobile and pressed the send button before she could change her mind.

Something about Quinn drew her like a moth to the light. Even after all these years.

Even after her accident that gravitation still worked on her.

* * *

**Thank you Nicole for working so hard and patiently giving me your feedback while I keep bombarding you with my chapters!**

**Thanks again to all of you following my story! That pushes me along!  
**


	8. Chapter 8

**Glee - no, I don't own it. Neither the characters. Except Jenna and Carmen, they are not in the original Glee show.**

**Merry x-mas, this chapter comes with a red bow :-)**

* * *

**Chapter 8**

Quinn was on the phone with her friend Jenna. As promised she had called her to learn about the audition when her mobile buzzed on the couch table. She lifted her feet of the tabletop and bent to retrieve the device. A text message was waiting for her. Curiously she checked whom it came from.

"Oh!"

"What 'oh'? Quinn, are you paying attention to what I'm saying?" Quinn heard her friend complain.

"Sorry Jenna. I just received a text." The blonde did not avert her eyes from the name that was displayed on her phone.

"So? Read it later!" Jenna was annoyed. "You already left me fighting for myself this morning!" She then teased Quinn with a little smile. "At least you could devote your unconditional attention to me for now." Jenna knew how important the encounter with Rachel had been for her older friend that day and was already aware of what had transpired between the two after their initial meeting in front of the _Beacon_. So she was not really angry.

"It's from Rachel." Quinn managed after a moment.

"Oh."

"Exactly." Quinn had to laugh a little.

She had gotten to know Jenna at Yale, where Quinn was two years her senior. There was a buddy program at the university that paired older students with freshmen. Quinn had shown the younger girl around the campus, had helped her getting settled and both girls noticed that they were on the same wave length. For the past four years, even after Quinn graduated, they kept in contact, having become close friends.

Right now Quinn was helping Jenna preparing for auditions, one of them taking place at the _Beacon Theater_.

Quinn had not been able to talk to anyone about her situation with Rachel when she was at Yale. She just could not confess her fears to her old friends. She feared they would not understand. Not even Santana, whom she usually told everything. Had she given her friends a chance, they might have understood and maybe together they would have been able to find a solution which she could have lived with.

In retrospect, everything about her own behavior seemed so wrong, but she could not change the past.

Often hanging out in the halls of Yale with her new friend, Quinn still had not counted on Jenna's perceptiveness. The girl had noted more than once that Quinn ignored her phone. Not that it was unusual, but every time she had received a call, Quinn had that desperate, longing look on her face that was replaced by guilt as soon as the ringing stopped. It was always the same ringtone, different from the others that Quinn had on her cell phone.

So one day Jenna confronted her with it. After Jenna had voiced her observation, Quinn had said nothing at first, only had looked long and hard at her friend. And then decided she had to come clear after some hesitation. She needed to get this off her chest. Somehow it had seemed easier talking to a person that did not know Rachel Berry and their history together. At one point when Quinn was halfway through her story, Jenna had placed her hand on Quinn's forearm.

"I think you are still in love with Rachel." She simply stated.

Quinn remembered how shocked she had been at that revelation. That comment had rendered her speechless for a while. When she was finally able to utter a coherent sentence, she was outraged.

"What do you mean _still_? And why do you think I am in love with her in the first place? YOU. ARE. NUTS!" And with every word Quinn had stabbed an accusing finger at Jenna.

Jenna had just laughed at the outburst.

"No, I am not. But you are. You are nuts for Rachel Berry!"

Jenna watched Quinn gasp for air and then for something to say. When she did not come up with a retort, Jenna prodded on.

"Quinn, you don't see that absolute look of longing, hope, temptation and disappointment on your face every time your phone tells you she is either calling or sending a message. It is incredible how many emotions her calls can evoke in you. Those feelings are written so clearly on your face, one would have to be blind to not notice."

And Quinn had thought she was perfect at hiding her turmoil behind a well fitted mask. Apparently her mask was made of glass.

She bowed her head and sighed, her resolve crumbling.

"Ok, I guess, I… well. I guess I did not even want myself to know how much she means to me. Though I really care for Rachel, I cannot be near her." Then she had gone on explaining the reason to Jenna and the younger woman could understand her actions to a certain degree. Though that did not make them any more right.

Now, a long time later, telling Jenna about the text she just received from Rachel naturally triggered an empathetic reaction from Quinn's friend. Even though the whole understanding was wrapped in a simple "oh".

"What does it say? Does she want to see you again?"

Quinn played with her mobile in her hands. "I don't know. I haven't read it yet. I think I am a bit afraid of what it might say." She said.

"Quinn Fabray! Don't even think about starting this whole song and dance with that poor woman again. You can't just barge into her life as you did today and then chicken out again! Open the damn text now and read it!" Jenna was adamant.

"Ok, ok, I was not going to ignore it, you know! And I am not planning on _chickening out_ as you so nicely put it. I swore that to myself." Quinn defended herself, but she wasn't angry with her friend as what she had said rang true. But Quinn also knew that she could not and she would not back out again.

"I'm just… hoping that it might say something positive…" She sighed. "Can I call you back?"

"What? You'll leave me hanging here just like that? After all the drama I have witnessed?" Jenna grumbled. Then she let out a good natured laugh. "Sure. But only if you promise a) to tell me what Rachel said and b) to listen to me ranting on about my successful performance at the audition today!"

"I promise!" Quinn solemnly declared with a smile.

When she had hung up, Quinn opened the text message from Rachel.

After reading it twice, a smile started to slowly spread across her face.

_Hi Quinn.  
I have just listened to your message. … Maybe we can talk again.  
I still have so many questions I would like to ask.  
Perhaps we could have dinner one of the evenings this week? If you are free, that is.  
And if it is not too much to ask.  
Rachel_

Quinn's heartbeat quickened as she read the message. Rachel wanted to see her again! Oh God, that was almost more than she had wished for!

Though a little part of her brain wondered what she had meant by she had "listened" to her voice message that she had left the other day. Well, maybe Rachel would explain it to her if she asked.

_... ... ..._

Rachel felt the phone in her hand vibrate. She noticed that she had never laid it aside after sending the text to Quinn. She tried to stop the whirling thoughts in her head. Would Quinn still be interested in seeing her again?

She took a deep breath and checked.

_Hi Rachel!  
Of course I would like to have dinner with you! I am very glad you asked.  
Friday would be fine, I only have a matinee show and I'm free afterwards.  
And no, this is not too much to ask, Rachel. I'm deeply grateful that you actually did!  
Quinn_

Rachel pressed the phone to her chest and smiled. For the first time in a long time she felt some happiness rise in her. This felt good! And for once she managed to keep the demons at bay that lured on the sidelines of her mind to fill her head again with doubts. Only this time, Rachel would not let them in.

She occupied her mind by checking the options for that evening. She was not a great cook, so dinner at her place was out of the question. Though, they could order take away. But that seemed too shabby if she invited Quinn to come over and then served food out of cardboard boxes. That left only one other option which was going to a restaurant. Besides the vegan place they went for lunch together, all the other restaurants she remembered to serve great food were the ones she went to before the accident. So those were out of the question. Someone might recognize her and start asking uncomfortable questions. She was not ready to cope with that yet.

She was running out of options of where to go with Quinn in her self-imposed exile.

While she was still raking her brain to find a solution, the phone came to life in her hands again. She looked down and noticed another message from Quinn.

She probably wanted to know when and where they would meet. Honestly, Rachel would have very much liked to meet at a quiet place. Preferably her own apartment. This would make it easier to concentrate on the conversation they would have. Maybe take-away would be the final option then. Though it would mean to let someone enter her sanctuary, the only place she felt more or less safe and calm.

Her eyes dropped to the phone and Quinn's second text surprised her. Has she just read her thoughts?

_Can I invite you over to my place for a self-cooked dinner? All vegan, of course. _

Then, in a light bantering mood the message continued.

_If you don't want to come to my apartment, how about a late picnic at the park?  
Or a_ _stroll through the Bronx at night with a hot dog?  
These are your options. Choose wisely. :-)  
Quinn_

Rachel had to chuckle and quickly typed an answer.

_Do you want to get us killed, Quinn Fabray? Not with your cooking, but with your other two suggestions…  
Huh, tough choice… I need time to think. _

Quinn's answer came right away.

_Rachel, I apologize if I was pushing again. Please, take all the time you need.  
Just tell me where you would feel comfortable to meet._

Just for once Rachel had not intended to lay-off, it was meant as a joke that she had to think about the options. She quickly tried to explain.

_Quinn, I didn't mean I needed to think about having dinner at all. I had to think  
about the incredible sensible choices you offered. :-)  
After some thorough though short thinking, I would vote for option one then.  
Seems to be the least dangerous. _

After a moment, she sent another text right after.

_I'm sorry I overreacted so much today. I'm just not used to connecting much with other people anymore…  
I am glad you held me back. _

... ... ...

Quinn felt warmth spreading through her when she read Rachel's confession. For a long while she searched for the right words to answer, until they finally sprang to her mind. Though she dismissed them almost immediately. It would not be appropriate to send them to Rachel. It would most probably destroy everything they had achieved. Because these words would surely awaken old memories of a kind that Rachel might not want to be awakened.

However, as hard as she tried, Quinn's thoughts always returned to the same phrases. There was just no better way to express her feelings in that moment. Should she take the chance?

She went to her laptop and opened her e-mail program. Then she began drafting a message to Rachel.

_Dear Rachel,_

_I am very grateful for your honesty and that you gave me another chance. I often felt unworthy of your friendship so many times in the past and I do feel so just now. I'm so ashamed of how I treated you. I have wronged you so many times and still __you__ never pushed me away. _

_Please know that I meant every word I said today. If you need me, I will be here for you. No more hiding, no more running away from my side. _

_I'm not good with voicing my feelings. I'm not even good at recognizing them in the first place. But I'd like to try to let you know, so I'll borrow the description for them from someone else. They still come with all my heart. And I didn't choose to portray them as a way to hurt you, please believe me. They just express what I feel, what I wish for you, for us… to become friends again…_

_Quinn_

…

_Wanna cry for you  
Would it do any good?  
If I rained for you  
It would just be water  
And the night is with you  
And the storm's in your hand  
And you're down and you're down  
And I can't lift you_

_I'm powerless to change your world  
I'm powerless to stop the hurt_

_Wanna run for you  
Would it do any good?  
If I flew for you  
You would still be standing  
And it's hard watching  
'cause I'm part of you  
And it's hard not to  
Not to know what I can do_

_I'm powerless to change your world  
I'm powerless to stop the hurt  
I'm trying hard to be your tower of strength  
I'm trying hard to bring you back to joy_

_I'll give you my heart, give you my shoulder  
Give you my heart, give you my shoulder_

_When the night just cuts you through  
And the dream is lost to you  
When you're worried and confused_

_I will give you my heart give you my shoulder  
over and over  
I will give you my heart give you my shoulder_

Quinn's pointer hovered over the send button. Then she decided that she must have been crazy, wanting to send a _song_ text to Rachel. That would be like sticking a knife into an open wound. And how would she take all the references to _give you my heart_? This song was not intended as a love confession, but rather to tell Rachel that she wanted to be someone she could lean on and draw strength from.

Then again, Quinn already knew that she had given her heart away. Not since today, but already a long time ago. Still, that was not what she intended to tell Rachel. Not yet anyway. So she would better delete this e-mail or at least the song text.

She jumped when her phone rang, accidentally bumping her hand against the mouse. With horror she watched the "send" button being marked and the text disappeared. In shock, she stared at the screen.

That. Did. Not. Just. Happen.

No, she did not accidentally send this message. Not after she had just decided that it would not be appropriate for a number of reasons.

_Nonononononono! That did not just happen!_

"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!" Quinn exclaimed and then hid her face behind her hands. "What did I do?"

She sat motionless in her chair and let the ice cold shower of dread wash over her.

After the initial shock ebbed away and her brain seemed to start working again, she figured she had two choices now. Either wait and see or send another message apologizing profoundly, hoping that Rachel would understand.

In the end she opted for sending a text, just in case Rachel had not browsed her e-mails yet. Maybe she could convince her to delete it before reading it.

_Rachel, I am so sorry. Please delete the e-mail I've just sent you.  
I sent it by mistake before it was finished and I didn't want to come across as  
being insensitive and stupid and… please delete it. Please!  
It's not that I don't mean what I wrote, it's just that the way I expressed it is so wrong.  
Quinn._

Deflated, she sat in her chair.

That was it.

In one stupid, selfish act she had done it again. She had hurt and disappointed Rachel, she had destroyed everything. She was so shocked that not even tears could fall. It was as if an ice cold layer had covered her up. Quinn was unable to move and think. She could only stare unseeingly at the screen that still displayed the traitorous "sent" information.

The phone had stopped ringing at some point. Whoever it was, she did not care. She felt the iron fist gripping her heart and squeezing it tight again.

* * *

**The song is Heart and Shoulder from Heather Nova**


	9. Chapter 9

**No copyright infringement intended. I don't own Glee or its characters.  
**

** gllover22:** **Actually I wanted to be in bed and sleep already and update tomorrow. However, since I am still awake and just read your review, there you go... Enjoy!  
**

* * *

**Chapter 9**

At the end of the conversation with her dad, Hiram had asked Rachel if and when she would come home for Hanukkah. Not that it was still eight weeks to go until then, but her dads always liked to plan ahead. She had not committed to a date yet. Rachel was not even sure she wanted to go home.

For now, she decided that she had done enough thinking and analyzing for one day. Even though she was still a bit elated about her meeting with Quinn and the small exchange via text they had shared, for now, she just wanted to occupy her mind with something simple and easy. She was tired from the emotional ups and downs of the day, but strangely this time she did not want to go to bed straight away and find her solace in sleep. Rachel decided to watch TV and snuggled up on her couch. That was something she had not done in a long time.

So instead of going to bed, she inserted a DVD into her player with "Friends" episodes. Since she already knew that particular season from having watched it at least three times before, reading the subtitles did not distract her as much anymore. In the beginning, she had found it difficult reading the text and pay attention to the characters at the same time. However, with some practice she had gotten quite good at following both.

After the second episode had finished she got up to fetch something to drink from the kitchen. When she passed her laptop, she threw a quick glance at it and noticed that a new e-mail had reached her inbox. Rachel debated whether to read it now or save it for later. Then she decided that "Friends" could wait a little longer and dropped on her chair in front of the desk. She drew up her left knee and placed her chin on it while clicking on the message.

It was from Quinn. Maybe she just sent her a description how to get to her apartment. Again Rachel noticed her heart beating a bit faster, as it had done every time when receiving a text from her earlier that evening.

After having read the message, Rachel could not tear her gaze away from the screen in front of her. Out of the corner of her eye she then noticed her phone light up, but she ignored it.

She scanned the page again and again. It was hard to see through the tears that filled her eyes.

What on earth had possessed Quinn to send her these song lyrics? To send her _song_ lyrics at all? Just when she had started to believe that her former high school Nemesis was truly making an effort. Well, how would she know? After four years, she had only met Quinn today again.

Was it really just today when everything had happened? It felt so much longer.

Rachel closed her eyes and tried to breathe evenly. She fought back the tears. But try as she might, she could not stop the melody of that song entering her thoughts.

Automatically the lyrics connected with the notes in her head and Heather Nova was giving a live performance in her mind.

Only that the singer did not look quite like herself. Somehow the features of the tall blonde she had met earlier that day appeared before her inner eye. When Rachel realized that however hard she tried she could not stop that image coming back, she surrendered.

She let it happen.

Rachel let Quinn Fabray sing that song to her in her mind. And then, somehow the pain she had been feeling all over again some minutes ago eased a little.

Rachel opened her eyes and her gaze fell on her mobile phone. She remembered the message she had received earlier. Opening it she slowly read it, her eyebrows furrowed.

Quinn apparently had not planned to send her this e-mail. Why had she written it at all, then? She probably came to the conclusion that sending a song text to a deaf person might not be the cleverest idea.

Right.

But somehow Rachel could not evoke her anger about this anymore. She had the strange feeling to reassure Quinn that it was ok. That she was not mad at her.

Then, slowly and steadily, the little voice inside her head started picking at her again, infusing her mind with dark shadows once more. Could she really forgive Quinn what she had done?

Rachel pressed the heels of her palms hard against her temples. She wanted the voice to stop, she was so tired of it. Tired of how it made her feel, how it drained all the energy from her. She felt like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde inside. One side truly wanting to forgive and the other side wanting to hold on to the anger, the pain and the injustice of it all.

Rachel got up and started pacing her living room, silently praying that this battle inside her head would come to an end. So that she could go on and make a decision. She felt like a ship in the rough sea being tossed from one side to the other without control of its own. Maybe she should have just stayed moored to the docks, safe and motionless. But it had been her own decision this morning to venture forth and get involved with Quinn.

Then it dawned on her that if she had taken the decision, then she herself was also creating these two voices inside. She herself caused this battle to rage. And if she caused it, she could also end it.

If she wanted to.

Then it would be a deliberate choice and not something she felt was decided by some hidden inner forces that she helplessly had to tolerate.

... ... ...

Quinn jumped again when she heard a little beep that pulled her from her state of haze back into reality. She noticed a small envelope appearing on the screen indicating she had received another message. She had no idea how long she had been sitting in front of her laptop staring into nothingness. Quinn was not really up to reading any e-mails now. Except from one person. Though it was unlikely that she would ever answer, Quinn mused. Nevertheless, a small spark of hope pushed her to check the message.

Against all odds, it was from Rachel.

Probably the well-deserved reprimand for sending her these lyrics. And a note that she doubtlessly never wanted to see her again.

With a shaking hand Quinn opened the text and soaked up the words that sprang at her.

_Dear Quinn!_

Dear? Was Rachel not mad as hell at her?

_ I remember that song.  
It is beautiful. The words are beautiful. I'm touched by their meaning. And not just those of the song._

Rachel remembered. That must have hurt. It was exactly the reason why Quinn had not wanted to send the message in the first place. Though she was surprised by Rachel's concession and her heart jumped a bit at reading that her friend was actually moved by her words. Quinn read on.

_Why did you not want to send this e-mail? Why did you want me to delete it? Because you sent me the lyrics of a SONG?  
I have to admit, I was angry and hurt at first, but then I tried to look behind my selfishness and tried to understand what you wanted to tell me with the song.  
I'm inclined to think that you didn't send it to hurt me. _

_Besides, I still have all the songs I liked and that I have ever sung in my head. And sometimes they pop up before I can stop them. It's not like you evoked a demon.  
I'm pretty good at doing this myself. __Anyway, I digress._

Quinn wondered how it must feel for Rachel having all these beautiful songs locked up in her head without the capability of ever releasing them again. She focused back on the message.

_Thank you for those kind words, Quinn.  
I'm looking forward to our dinner on Friday. _

_ Good luck with your show.  
Rachel_

Quinn let out her breath she had not noticed she had held while reading.

She was truly and deeply impressed by this grand gesture from Rachel. It rendered Quinn speechless.

Not only did Rachel make an effort to look behind her own hurt in order to understand Quinn. She also came so far as acknowledging her show and wishing her luck!

The relief that flooded through the blonde was so strong that she could not suppress the sobs that lurched upwards through her throat. She was so glad that Rachel was not mad at her, that their dinner was still going to happen as planned. Quinn felt the whole tension of that day wash out of her body with all the tears that came with it. Tears of joy, tears of remorse, tears of hope.

God, one day with Rachel and this woman had turned her all mushy inside. She had not cried so much in a very long time. It seemed all the tears that she had bottled up inside for the past years had chosen this day to come out. But it felt so good, felt so liberating.

Her make-up artist would sigh at her red and puffy eyes the next day when getting her ready for her performance.

Just for now, Quinn did not give a damn.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

Quinn was so happy that Rachel was not angry or disappointed with her. She felt exhilarated that Rachel was still looking forward to their Friday dinner date. She made sure Rachel received detailed descriptions on how to get to her apartment. Quinn had also debated with herself to offer her friend to pick her up, but felt that it might seem too imposing.

She did not know if Rachel would take the subway or a cab or if she could even walk to her address. The blonde had no idea where Rachel lived now. Nevertheless she sent her a thorough explanation on how to find her address and which exit to take from the subway station.

The four days until Friday passed agonizingly slow for Quinn. She had to work hard each night to concentrate on her performance. Every time she stood on the stage, she was reminded of the little incident with that one person leaving the show early which had somehow triggered the whole events with Rachel.

When she had some free time, she went to the ASL lessons she had scheduled with Carmen. The teacher was impressed with how much effort Quinn put into her work and how fast she learned and told her so. Quinn did not stop after the lessons with Carmen. She would sit down and practice every free minute she had at home. She looked up words and signs on the internet if her textbook did not cover them. She wanted to learn this new language as quickly as possible.

Carmen had already explained a lot to her in regards to its historic background, its development and its current usage in the US and Canada. Quinn was actually impressed as to how complex the whole language was and it intimidated her a bit as well. There seemed to be so many things to learn that it felt like hiking up the Mount Everest and she was just at base camp. Carmen had laughed at this analogy.

"Well, at least you are on your way. And you have managed all the way to the Himalaya. Now you just have to start climbing."

"Yeah, well, somehow that seems to be the hardest part." Quinn had stated.

But Carmen had managed to ease her worries. "Quinn, everything will come with practice. You will see, once you converse with Rachel, you will pick up signs, body language. facial expressions and all the other important markers very quickly."

The young woman had asked Carmen to not tell Rachel about their arrangement, because Quinn wanted to surprise her. As both their lessons were in the morning, Quinn was always hurrying out quickly after they finished. But since her lesson and Rachel's had a break in between which was a little over an hour, Quinn was quite confident that she would not to run into her friend and thus having to explain what she was doing there. Besides, she would not have to keep it a secret beyond Friday. Then she would be able to put some of her newly acquainted skills to use, however rudimentary they still were.

Quinn planned for a three-course dinner, starting with a pumpkin soup, followed by pasta with fried vegetables and a light dessert of fruits and vegan ice cream. On Thursday, she happily made her way to the grocery store to buy the provisions for their dinner. She really hoped Rachel would like the recipes and that she would display a bit more appetite than last time.

Just as she entered the store, her mobile vibrated.

_Hello Quinn!  
I'm looking forward to tomorrow, but I have to confess I'm also a little nervous.  
Don't know why. Maybe because I decided to take the subway to your place.  
That will be the first time I'm going to do this since… Anyway.  
Thanks for the detailed description; see you tomorrow!  
Rachel_

Quickly Quinn drafted an answer.

_Hi Rachel!  
I am also looking forward to tomorrow. In fact I'm just grocery shopping.  
No, not telling what I'll be cooking, don't think about asking. :-).  
Tell me tomorrow when you get on the subway, then I can be on the lookout  
for you, just in case my description wasn't as accurate as expected.  
If you change your mind about using the subway, let me know, please.  
I can pick you up at home.  
Q._

It only took one minute for the answer to appear on her screen. Quinn held her breath again, not sure how Rachel would react at her offer.

_Afraid I might get lost in the big city, Quinn?  
I've lived here for a while now, you know :-)_

Quinn smiled at that.

However, when she texted back she tried to hide her concern behind a light hearted comment. She could understand that it must be a challenge for Rachel to use the train and mingle with the other passengers.

_I know, just… just want you to get here in one piece.  
The subway can be a treacherous thing.  
Q._

_Yeah, well, only if you want to jump in front of it, and not on it.  
And I'm planning to use it the regular way, so no worries,  
Quinn. And yes, I promise to inform you when I'll leave.  
Rachel_

.._. ... ...  
_

Rachel stood on the platform and waited for the subway to arrive. Her heart was hammering in her chest. She had not been out and about much since her accident. She was mostly just doing the necessary grocery shopping and going to the Community Center. She had tried to avoid other people at any cost. Now she stood among the crowds waiting for the train. Friday evening everyone seemed to have places to go, meet friends, and have fun. She felt uncomfortable being surrounded by so many people, unable to orient herself without having the benefit of hearing what went on around her. She kept looking around to assess the situation.

The she noticed a small draft waving across her skin. The train was coming. As it drew nearer, the wind picked up a bit and shortly before the train broke through the tunnel she could feel its vibrations rumble though her shoes and in her chest.

She let out a surprised gasp. Before she could revel much longer in this discovery, she was forced to move with the throng of people through the open doors of the train. She managed to secure a seat in one corner. That gave her some room to breathe and a solid wall behind her back. Quickly she scanned the space in front of her, and then she lowered her head. You never knew if there was someone who might recognize her still. Though in this fast flowing city, she should have been replaced by now, also in the heads of her audience and another high strung star was certainly on the rise.

Deciding not to wallow in that pain again, she dug out her cell phone and sent the promised text to Quinn.

_Hi Quinn, just got on the train. See you soon. R._

When Rachel exited the subway station just as described, she found a smiling Quinn waiting for her at the top of the stairs. Rachel almost passed by her, as she had her head bent reading the description that the former Cheerio captain had sent her. Only when she looked up to orient herself she noticed the blonde patiently waiting. Quinn hugged her gently and then held up a paper.

_I thought you might feel more comfortable if I showed you the way to my apartment as it is not so easy to find, since the entrance is in a side street. _

Rachel was glad that Quinn had been so considerate. She was afraid she might get lost despite the confidence she had displayed in her text to Quinn the day before and would have to _ask_ someone to point her in the right direction of the apartment. Something she wanted to avoid at any cost.

Before Rachel could stop herself, she uttered a very relieved: "Thank you!"

She wanted to bite her tongue right after. What was it about her body that seemed to detach from her mind and will, and started moving and acting on its own every time she was around Quinn?

Quinn on her end was surprised to actually hear Rachel speak. She had missed her voice so much. And just these two small words enveloped her like a warm breath. She took the brunette's hand, squeezed it lightly as a way of showing Rachel how grateful she was for that concession and tugged her along.

After a block Rachel chuckled a bit. It felt strange in her throat. She noticed that she had not done this in a long time.

She lifted her left hand that was still connected in a light grasp with Quinn's.

"You know, Quinn, I'm actually fine to walk by myself. I can still see perfectly fine, just so you know." She then stated with a little smile, hiding the insecurity she felt at wondering how she had sounded.

Quinn laughed at that little joke. Then it registered. Quinn's heart seemed to skip a beat. She stopped dead in her tracks and whipped her head around in surprise. With eyes that had turned to dark hazel by all the emotions that swept through her, she gazed at Rachel in awe, who in turn completely misread Quinn's expression.

"That sounded awful, didn't it?" she whispered, lowering her gaze.

Quinn placed a finger under Rachel's chin and lifted her head gently. When she had Rachel's attention, she mouthed _No!_ And vehemently shook her head. Then she took all her courage and signed her answer.

_No, your voice sounds beautiful! Honestly, Rachel!_

Now it was Rachel's turn to look surprised.

_You can sign? When did you learn? _She signed back._  
_

Rachel noted the insecure look on Quinn's face and repeated the signs a bit slower. Then Quinn understood. She pointed in the direction of her apartment and Rachel nodded in understanding. They would continue this conversation in private and not in the middle of the street.

Tentatively Quinn snuck a hand in Rachel's direction and touched her lightly with her fingers. Rachel's hand did not move away and the blonde boldly linked her fingers with the smaller woman's again.

Rachel found the courage to speak up again because she had no other means to express herself with one hand tied to Quinn's at that moment.

"Still afraid I might get lost?"

Quinn laughed and nodded. "Yes!" She said and was delighted to hear Rachel chuckle next to her, leaving her hand where it was.

At the apartment, Quinn grabbed the pad that lay on a small table next to the entrance and quickly scribbled something on it before they had even taken off their coats. Rachel's gaze roamed around Quinn's apartment until she felt a nudge against her arm.

The brunette's eyes skimmed the page.

_I don't want you to ever get lost again, Rachel!_

Rachel quickly penned down her answer.

I_ was never lost. __You__ in turn…_

_I know. _Quinn then signed and looked ashamed.

Rachel decided to drop the topic for now and repeated her question from earlier, also signing.

_When did you learn to sign?_

_I took lessons with Carmen. _

Rachel found it very cute how Quinn looked at her own hands while signing as if to make sure the signs turned out correctly. Her signing was still slow and a bit clumsy, but Rachel found it so impressive that Quinn actually took the pains to learn ASL just in order to communicate with her, trying to make _her_ comfortable and accommodating to _her_ needs again.

_Quinn Fabray, you never cease to surprise me, _she signed with a raised eyebrow.

Actually, Rachel could make Quinn's life a bit easier if she used her voice more. But Quinn never seemed to expect that from her and Rachel was grateful for that. So it was entirely up to her to choose when to actually speak up or not, though she had secretly liked the way Quinn's face had lit up when she actually did voice the words out loud.

Quickly the blonde hung up their coats. Then, Quinn led Rachel further into the room with an open and spacious loft character, joined with a comfortable, open kitchen opposite the entrance. This way she could talk to her guests while cooking and it also made the living room appear larger. She had started to like preparing meals and often invited friends over to cook together.

Quinn offered Rachel something to drink and quickly dashed into the bathroom.

When she came back out, sitting on a bar stool in front of the counter, Rachel found her gaze and smiled at her.

_Nice apartment. I like the open kitchen._

Rachel deliberately slowed her signing and waited until Quinn nodded her comprehension.

_Thank you! You look nice in those …_ Quinn stumbled over the sign for 'pants'. She tentatively stepped closer and tugged at one of Rachel's pant legs. The brunette showed her the appropriate sign that Quinn filed away in her memory, and then added a _thank you_ for the compliment on her outfit.

Quinn had to force herself away from Rachel. The petite woman looked absolutely lovely in the black pants with the grey blouse that had a nice and softly dropping neckline. The grey color set off her brown eyes that in the light shining over from the kitchen took on a warm mahogany hue.

She had hardly ever seen Rachel without a skirt. With the pants, she looked just as stunning. Quinn had to catch herself from staring.

_I am going to finish dinner,_ she managed to sign and turned away from those beautiful brown eyes she could feel on her back, following her.

Quinn had already set the table and prepared most of the food. She just needed to reheat the soup and check on the pasta, which she would boil while they ate the first course. The vegetables she had already pre-fried and only needed another toss in the pan.

Rachel nodded once and was content to just look around the apartment and watch Quinn move around the kitchen. She had brought a bottle of wine to go with dinner which Quinn had placed in the fridge to cool. She turned around. The picture that hung above the couch opposite the kitchen counter, on the right side next to the entrance, caught her attention.

Rachel hopped off the bar stool and sauntered over to get a closer look. It was a large, beautiful painting of a female angel in a white armor, but the angel did not look like she was going to war. She had a very peaceful expression and held her helmet in her arm. Auburn, wavy hear spilled over one shoulder and dark green eyes held the viewer's gaze. Rachel was mesmerized by the peace the picture radiated, despite the protection the angel was wearing.

The colors, the painting style, the face of the angel, everything was a perfect assembly to capture the attention of the viewer. In fact it was fascinating. She could make out a writing that said 'Guardian Angel' in the lower left corner. The writing was so entwined in the background of the picture that it was hard to make out at first.

She felt a presence next to her and noticed Quinn standing beside her, her eyes trained on Rachel's face. Then the blonde also looked back at the painting.

"Oh Quinn, this painting is beautiful. Where did you get it?"

When Quinn did not answer, Rachel turned and looked at her friend. When she noted that she had Quinn's attention, she repeated her question. Quinn just stared at her with her eyebrows knitted together and a slightly confused look on her face.

_What? Quinn, what's wrong? Did you not understand what I asked? Was I not speaking clearly enough? _Rachel resigned back to signing, insecurity lacing through her hand movements.

Even though Quinn was not familiar with all the signs, she understood in a wider sense what Rachel was asking. She reached out, stilled Rachel's hands with her own, and shook her head gently.

_Rachel, I'm sorry. It has nothing to do with your speech. I am … _she struggled with the next words and went to get the pad again. Then she wrote on the paper:

_I just didn't hear what you were saying. I'm wearing special earplugs._

Rachel looked at her in confusion.

_You what? _She wrote back.

When Quinn had gone to the bathroom earlier, she had stood for a moment in front of the mirror looking herself in the eye. She had quickly debated to not do what she had planned, because it would be so much more comfortable for her. But that would have been selfish. So she had opened the drawer in the little commode behind her and pulled out the special ear plugs Carmen had recommended to her.

Quinn had discussed with the dark haired woman that she really wanted to understand what it meant to not be able to hear. Carmen explained to her that by using these earplugs, she would still be able to hear herself, obviously, but almost no outside noises. This could help her to at least begin to understand what it meant being deaf to a certain degree. Quinn had to visit a hearing aid acoustician, someone who specialized in hearing aids and hearing protection. He fitted the earplugs for her so they would sit tight but would not get uncomfortable after wearing them for a while. He also made sure they were sound proof.

She wanted to experience what Rachel was experiencing. She wanted to comprehend what she was going through. So she explained to Rachel about the earplugs, half in writing, and half by signing.

The smaller woman stared at her for a moment with an unreadable expression on her face. Quinn's eyes had told her that she truly meant what she had said. Still it was hard for her to see why anyone in their right mind would take on such a burden voluntarily. Besides, it was still a difference between having the possibility of taking the devices out again and not being able to hear for the rest of your life.

Rachel took the notepad and started writing.

_Quinn, you don't have to do this! I appreciate the gesture. But please don't do this to yourself! Be grateful that you can still hear. Don't ever cheat yourself off this experience! Not even for a moment. Not even for me. _

She pointedly laid the pad down on the coffee table in front of her and looked back at Quinn.

Quinn just shook her head. Rachel already knew that the blonde would display her stubborn streak again. Fine. It was Quinn's choice after all. Though the brunette had to admit that she was thoroughly surprised that Quinn would go that far in order to learn more about her situation.

Still, she should not do this. It was ok for Rachel that she actually went through the whole motion, but she did not want Quinn to miss one minute of her life not being able to hear. But she conceded to her friend's wish. Then Rachel noticed a strange smell and looked over to the stove. She grabbed Quinn's arm and turned her in the direction of the kitchen. In the whole process they had forgotten that the soup was still on the stove to be heated. Now it had boiled over a bit and the smell came from the drops that burned on the hot Ceram cooking field.

Both women ran over and each holding one handle, pulled the pot off the stove.

Rachel saw that as a chance to make her point again in written form.

_See, you probably would've heard this boiling before it spilled over the rim. _

But Quinn shook her head._ I don't think so, I was so engrossed by our conversation that I probably would not have noticed anything else_.

Quinn smiled boldly after Rachel had read her answer.

The brunette just rolled her eyes. Then she motioned to the soup with her head as in "let's eat".

Quinn gladly ladled the soup into two bowls after she had tried it and made sure it did not taste burned. They sat at the table to the right of the kitchen and started eating.

Rachel brown eyes watched Quinn expectantly as the blonde put her spoon down and lifted her hands to sign.

_Sorry about the soup. This was not how I had planned to start our dinner. _

It took Rachel a moment to understand what Quinn had signed. She was still far from being fluent, but she tried hard and even though it took her a while to finish a sentence, Rachel would prefer watching Quinn's slender hands sign a thousand times more than referring back to writing. The way her face got serious with concentration while signing was just adorable.

When Rachel had pieced together what Quinn meant, she smiled.

_It is ok. The soup is very good! I want the recipe!_

For a while, they enjoyed the food in literal silence. It was difficult to sign and eat at the same time. When they had finished the first course, Rachel helped Quinn preparing the next.

As Quinn had decided to keep on wearing the earplugs, Rachel had to touch her every time she wanted to get her attention and vice versa. Quinn noticed that without the means of normal communication, meaning hearing and speaking, looks and touch became so much more important. They could sometimes replace words and sentences. Especially with Rachel it was eerie how much they could read each other's thoughts and feelings through little gestures and looks.

Each time Quinn felt Rachel's soft and gentle hand on the naked skin of her arm, it sent a little electric shower down her spine. She just hoped Rachel would not notice what she caused with her touch.

However, the longer Quinn dispensed of her hearing, the harder it became. She did not expect that after a short while she would get a feeling of being locked inside her body. That feeling was enhanced since she could still hear herself breathe. It was starting to disconcert her. For Rachel's sake, she swallowed the lump that formed in her throat and spooned the vegetables into a porcelain bowl which she handed to Rachel so she could place it on the table.

While preparing the pasta, they had lightly bantered around a bit by signing and writing and some comments from Quinn had actually made Rachel laugh. It was so fulfilling to see some liveliness find its way back into the petite woman's features. Nevertheless, it was hard for Quinn to not be able to hear that laughter. She had always liked Rachel's laughter. It was never artificial, but genuine, deep and contagious.

Quinn started to get frustrated. The little things she could not hear drove her crazy. How on earth did Rachel do this? How could she live through this silent hell every single day? Now going through at least some of same the experience gave Quinn another appreciation of Rachel's stamina.

She felt Rachel's imploring eyes from across the table where they had sat down again and smiled for her benefit.

_Do you like the pasta? _Quinn asked signing._  
_

_Yes, it is really good. The vegetables also, _the petite woman answered politely, knowing that her friend was trying to hide something, posing the question as a distraction.

Rachel did not avert her eyes and searched Quinn's face. The blond woman had the feeling that the two brown eyes reached down to her soul. This was something Rachel had always been capable of. She could look at Quinn and then find words that would reach her deep down inside, telling her head on what she herself was not able to feel, but Rachel always knew.

Only now, she did not want Rachel to know how she felt. This was not about the whole situation, but rather about how she experienced not being able to hear and how anxious it made her feel.

Quinn stared at her plate and tapped the fork against the rim. She could not hear anything. She watched her fork make the movements and expected the "ping" to reach her ear as the silverware made contact with the porcelain.

There was nothing. She only heard her own breathing. She tapped again, harder this time.

Nothing.

Quinn did not know why, but she felt the anxiety increase inside her. She tried to calm herself thinking _'come on, you are just wearing earplugs, everything is fine'_, but her breathing became more and more labored. Why the hell was she starting to freak out? One grip and she could rip those offending things out of her ears and everything would be ok. So what was going on? The more she tried to calm herself, the more agitated she became.

Realization dawned on her.

This tapping on the plate with her fork was just a little gesture of daily life. If _that_ had already made her freak out _just_ by wearing soundproof earplugs, how could Rachel go on through life without ever being able to hear music, songs, voices and much less sing herself, all these things that had defined her _life_?

Quinn rammed her fork so hard against the plate that a chip broke off. She jumped as she felt Rachel's hand cover hers. Rachel was shocked at the look of utter dismay that covered Quinn's features. She got up and quickly knelt beside Quinn's chair, rapidly scribbling something on the pad.

_What is wrong? Talk to me, please, Quinn! _She looked up at her friend with big, imploring eyes.

Quinn's eyes glazed over and tears spilled down her cheeks as she gazed at the smaller women kneeling in front of her. She wanted so much to wrap her arms around Rachel and hold her for the rest of her life, never letting go again. She felt a sob rising in the back of her throat and could not contain it. Quinn hid her face behind her hands and started to cry. She cried for Rachel, for her loss, for her broken dreams. She also cried for herself, for the many times she had ignored her best friend, for the pain in her own heart, for the many lost opportunities to be with Rachel and to hear this beautiful voice enfold which now seemed to be forever mute.

Her body shook under her cries. Then Quinn felt a hesitating hand beneath her elbow and she let herself be raised from the chair into an embrace. Rachel held her through her crying, soothingly stroking her hand over the taller woman's back. And Quinn held on to the smaller form in front of her as if she were hanging on to dear life itself. Why did she freak out after just a couple of hours of not hearing – and still having at least the advantage of hearing herself speak or breathe?

How reversed the situation was now. When she had held Rachel the other day, they both had not imagined that now it would be Quinn feeling so desperate.

After a while, when she managed to calm down a bit and her sobs became less, she noticed the small vibration in Rachel's body. She pressed her hands against the brunette's back. Quinn _felt_ that Rachel was talking or at least was making some noise. Of course, she could not actually hear what Rachel was saying and was tempted to take out the earplugs to hear that wonderful voice again. But she stopped herself, she just could not do that. She owed it to Rachel.

The fact that she was able to _feel_ sound surprised her no end. She had never paid much attention to such details, even though she had of course felt this before. Only now, it became so much more important, it gained so much more weight with the fact that she was temporarily robbed of one of her senses.

Quinn slowly disentangled herself from Rachel's embrace. The smaller woman's eyes were full of worry and concern. And doubt. Rachel reached around her, grabbed the pad, and pointed with her index finger at the question she had written earlier. She accompanied her gesture with a small shrug of her shoulders and a frown on her beautiful face.

_What is wrong?_

Quinn looked into those beautiful brown eyes gazing at her with so much concern that she could not fight the impulse any longer. She bent forward, tenderly cupped the lovely face in front of her with both hands, and softly grazed her lips over Rachel's.

Surprised by her own action Quinn quickly withdrew and leaned back moving her hands frantically in the air.

_Rachel, I am so sorry! I did not…_

Her hands were stilled by Rachel's warm fingers. Rachel pushed Quinn slightly back and when she felt the edge of the chair against the back of her legs, she dropped on the seat. Rachel stood in front of her, towering a little over the now seated blonde and dropped a kiss on the top of her head. Then she hugged her friend fiercely. Quinn snuck her arms around the brunette's waist and embraced her back.

They held each other for an endless moment feeling the warmth of the other body in their arms, breathing in the other woman's scent, both feeling the rift that had run between them closing a bit.


	11. Chapter 11

**Happy New Year to everyone! **

**Thank you all for your reviews!**

**I don't own Glee or its characters.**

* * *

**Chapter 11**

When Rachel slowly disentangled herself from Quinn, the blonde quickly asked by signing:

_Rachel, are you mad at me? For the …_

Quinn did not know the sign for kiss so she just tapped her lips.

Rachel vehemently shook her head.

_No, I am not mad. _Then she smiled._ Just confused_.

Rachel looked at the floor for a second. She was not ready to speak about the kiss that had almost made her heart stop. She needed to digest it first, so she decided to tread on safer ground. Everything was happening so fast and she had no hold on her feelings anymore. She felt like she was flying, but was afraid of landing very hard.

_Quinn, what happened just now? What made you break down like this? _Rachel's warm, brown eyes were still full of concern when she searched Quinn's face.

Quinn took Rachel's hand and pulled her to the couch. She grabbed the pen and paper and started writing with Rachel peering over her shoulder. Quinn knew she needed to explain what had triggered her to freak out like that.

_Rachel, I'm sorry that I lost it just now. I didn't want to scare you with my crying!_

She felt a reproachful look from the woman beside her.

_Ok, I __did__ scare you?_

A nod and Rachel's chocolate brown eyes were deep and full of turmoil.

_I'm really sorry! _Quinn rubbed her right hand with a closed fist over her heart, the sign for 'apologize'. _Honestly, I mean it. Let me explain. _

Rachel quickly fished the pen out of Quinn's hand. She appreciated Quinn's gesture of learning ASL, but she also understood that for this conversation it was easier to refer back to writing.

_Good. I want to know what is going on in that head of yours! So maybe next time I can come better prepared…_

Quinn squeezed Rachel's fingers apologetically and continued writing after having collected her thoughts.

_I now only realized and understood completely what you have lost and how it must be for you. I understood what the world without sound is like. Or at least I started to understand. And that understanding just came from something as banal as not being able to hear the sound of the fork grating against the plate. And if something this small is already so hard to endure, I just wondered how hard it must be for you...  
_

Quinn threw a glance at Rachel sitting next to her on the couch, her eyes skipping over the written words. When she noticed that Rachel had finished reading, she continued.

_Rachel, if this is too hurtful we can stop. _

A small shake with her head brought some brown strands to fall into her eyes. With a graceful gesture, Rachel brushed them to the side and slightly jutted out her chin at the pad. Quinn paused for a moment, the pen poised in the air. She actually wanted to write something else, but then she wrote the question that had been burning in her soul for the past days.

_Rachel, how did it happen?_

Rachel had expected that question already a lot earlier. Nevertheless, it strung a painful chord in her chest thinking about it. Still, she started to explain.

_I was in a car accident. I came back from a photo shoot. It was very late at night. The cab in which I was sitting was hit by a pick-up truck at an intersection. The driver of the other car was dead drunk and didn't see the red traffic light. At least that is what they told me later. The cab driver had more than fifteen broken bones, but luckily he survived. My luck was that I was sitting on the right side in the back seat. The pick-up rammed the left back door. Had I been sitting there, I would not be sitting here anymore. _

_Through the impact, I was catapulted against the side of the car and my head slammed into the window. _

Rachel stared off into the distance, clearly reliving the event in her mind. Quinn winced as she read the description, reached out and comfortingly placed a hand over Rachel's.

_It's ok, you don't have to talk about it, if you don't want to, _Quinn offered in writing.

_No, I'm ok. To make a long story short, I had hairline fractures in my skull and a severe concussion. But through the impact, the little bones in my middle ear had been broken. It was more severe in the right ear, because that was the side that collided with the window. Nevertheless, the blow to my head also affected the left ear. Not as severely, but still to the extent where I cannot hear anything at a normal level. Another word for hearing nothing at all. _

_Why? Of all people, why did it have to happen to you? _Quinn had thought about it a lot, but found no answer.

_Quinn, I've asked myself this question so many times. There is no answer to that. At least I haven't found it yet. Maybe one day I'll understand. But I have learnt that it doesn't always help searching for a reason. Sometimes it can take a very long time until the reason behind something is disclosed to you. I guess I just have to accept that it happened and live with it. Or not. _

_Have you ever thought about it?_

_What, committing suicide? _Rachel let her eyes wander up from the page until she found Quinn's intent green gaze on her. Quinn nodded and Rachel's hand moved over the paper again.

_Yes. I did actually. All I had to live for had died. My music, my voice, my dreams. I felt like I should have just died with them. _

Rachel held Quinn's gaze with her own, finding compassion, understanding and fear. She needed to quench that fear in her friend's eyes. She needed to still that fear. Now.

_But I couldn't pull it through. Something held me back. _

Rachel shrugged and this time avoided eye contact with her friend. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Quinn tense at her comment. She continued writing.

_I'm not saying that it's getting much easier. But I've given myself two years. Two years to figure out if I could do this or not. Therapy helped a bit in the beginning. And I had a lot of time thinking while I was healing the first few months. All this thinking got me at least so far that I wanted to give it a try. _

Quinn threw her arms around Rachel.

_I'm glad you did. Very! If I… If you.. I mean… _

Words failed Quinn as she dropped the pen and she buried the smaller woman in a heartfelt embrace again, not letting her go for a long time. What she had not been able to transmit through words, she communicated through this touch. When she finally let go, she found the courage to pose another question.

_There was nothing they could do to restore your hearing?_

_I had two operations, the last one not so long ago to reposition the dislocated ossicle bones in my middle ear. Apparently, it is a very complicated procedure. The specialists were not quite sure if the procedure would work in terms of giving me back some of my hearing. The ear is such a delicate organ where so many factors play together that it's not always easy to predict what will work. Besides, there is still blood blocking the crevices in between that needs to dissolve. It prevents the sound being transported through the ear canal as well. I didn't know that it could take that long for something to heal. But I don't get my hopes up too much. _

She threw a sad smile at Quinn.

Quinn's eyes lightened up. _But_ _there __is__ still some hope?_

_So far I haven't noticed any change. That's not a good sign._

Quinn flicked a quick glance at Rachel to gauge her reaction. Her lips were pressed together and a small furrow appeared between her brows.

_Give it some time. You had a severe injury and sometimes the body needs more time to heal._

She tried to smile encouragingly at her friend.

_Rachel, however it will turn out, I want to know how I can support you. I don't ever want to abandon you again as a friend. I want you to know that I will be here for you. This probably sounds like a false and empty phrase, especially after my disappearing act._

Quinn captured Rachel's gaze and tried to guess what she was feeling and thinking right now. She almost expected a depreciating expression on her friend's face, not wanting to accepting her explanation. But she only saw those sincere brown eyes searching her own.

Rachel had become so dependent on looking and observing that she tried to _see_ beyond the words. The truth she could have heard in the tone of Quinn's voice, she now had to find through other means. Her eyes had become her most important tool to capture the real meaning behind someone's words and actions. And Quinn held her gaze, never wavering, never breaking off. Finally, Rachel nodded her head slightly and glanced back down on the writing paper. With that small gesture, she urged Quinn to continue and finally explain what had caused her radical actions all those years ago.

The blond woman continued pouring her thoughts out on the sheet.

_These past years, every time my phone rang and I saw your name on the screen, it was a like a stab to my heart. It was like a slow and agonizing suicide. Not answering your calls, making myself ignore every text message you sent, closing my eyes on every attempt from you to communicate with me. It killed me that I would not let myself be near you, be your friend as before. I know it sounds crazy and I wouldn't blame you if you couldn't understand. But I had to stay away from you and your incredible talent. I feared that I would be drowned by it if I stayed near you. That I would never find the strength to get my own bearings. _

Rachel lifted the pen gently from Quinn's hand.

_Were you envious of me? _

Quinn shook her head and breathed a "no".

_I was never envious. Just afraid that I would'nt be able to stop measuring myself against you. I was actually so proud of you! I followed your reviews; I even cut them out of the papers and collected them. Every time being away from you become unbearable, I would look you up and check what you were up to next. I know it sounds crazy, but at least I had to know you were happy, that you were having success fulfilling your dream._

A sheepish expression crawled onto Quinn's face. Rachel wasn't sure if she was seeing it right, so she gently turned Quinn's face in her direction to get a closer look. This time Quinn could not stand looking into those large imploring eyes. So she continued her story.

_I even came to your show once. And it was the most wonderful experience I've ever had! I was so mesmerized by your performance that it haunted me for days. Every time I thought back to that evening, the memories would send goose bumps down my skin. _

Rachel pressed her lips together in a desperate try not to cry after finishing reading it.

_Rachel, I'm so sorry! God, how could I be so insensitive? Please, I…I did not want to hurt you. _She placed a hand on her friend's arm with a pleading look in her eyes.

Again Quinn felt the pen being lifted from her fingers. Rachel's hand covered hers.

'It's ok,' she mouthed when she had Quinn's attention and smiled shakily. Then she continued on paper.

_Please, don't hold back. Even though it is still hard for me to be reminded of what I had and what I have lost, I want to know your thoughts. We have been silent for too long. For too many years. _

After a short pause,_ You really came to one of my shows?_

She placed the ballpoint pen back in Quinn's hand.

Quinn nodded. Then she pointed at her arm where the little hairs started raising. _See? I was telling the truth, it still holds me captive._

Rachel smiled a little. The she took another pen from the table in front of them in order not to snatch Quinn's all the time.

_Hm, I never knew I could have such an effect on you._

_You always had, even back in High school. _Quinn confessed.

_Spill, Quinn Fabray!_

Quinn had to smile, happy about the lighter note in Rachel's comment and the small quirk of her eyebrow that accompanied her challenging look.

_Good lord, I think I am going under tonight. _Quinn sighed.

Rachel snorted, even though neither of them could hear it_. _

_You owe me, Quinn. For all those years of ignoring me, you owe me big time! It's your fault that you came back and threw yourself at me. Now explain yourself! _

She pushed the pad back into Quinn's lap, but had a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

This time Quinn tried to get to the emotions behind Rachel's words and watched the other young woman closely. She noticed that behind the smile still lay a deep layer of hurt and loneliness. She had to tread lightly in order not to rupture that thin band of friendship that they had formed over the past days. The difficulty was that what she was confessing to Rachel was not solely based on friendship anymore. Then again, she had already revealed this through her kiss.

* * *

**Guys, I need sleeeeeeeeeep! This story keeps me awake almost every day until 3 in the morning. It drives me crazy. It has a life of its own, I swear! But I enjoy writing it so much, so hopefully I can keep it up for a while. Anyway, chapter 15 is on its way, so stay tuned! Someone familiar might pop up... :-)**


	12. Chapter 12

**I hope all of you had a good start into the new year!**

* * *

**Chapter 12**

They talked until late at night. At some point, Quinn quickly filled two bowls with fruit salad and ice cream.

_Midnight snack!_ She handed a bowl to Rachel who eagerly took it.

_Can't let you starve. Apparently, I seem to be the reason you don't get to eat much._

With a motion of her head, she indicated the food that still stood on the table, only half eaten.

Rachel chuckled.

_Is it really that late already?_

Quinn only nodded at that, dreading the moment when Rachel would say the inevitable words that she had to get going. However, for the moment she seemed content sitting cross-legged on Quinn's comfortable couch, tasting the fruits and ice cream.

Both women were lost in their respective thoughts, while enjoying the dessert.

Quinn had told Rachel about the first day at Glee club and what feelings Rachel had provoked in her. And how she had tried to hide all these emotions behind her mean demeanor.

Once in a while, she would catch a slightly amused glint in Rachel's eyes.

_You are enjoying this revelation far too much, you know_, Quinn grumbled at some point.

_Come on, what was it that really hooked you up? My reindeer sweaters?_

Rachel teased, drawing a little reindeer head behind the words.

Quinn laughed at that, and then sobered. She had beaten around the bush about the main reason.

_No_, she mouthed and shook her head.

Then she pointed at Rachel, followed by moving her right hand away from her own chin, her fingers forming a 'V'.

_Your voice. And your eyes,_ she added, by pointing at Rachel again and then pointing twice at her own eye with her index finger.

Quinn searched Rachel's face to gauge how much pain her honest comment had caused. To her surprise, Rachel seemed quite calm. Or she would not let on to her true feelings. But Quinn would have noticed, she could read Rachel like she could read no one else. Then she watched Rachel scribble her answer on the pad.

_You know, I really had no idea about this, none at all. I mean, I noticed that you had strong feelings for me, but I interpreted them as despise, envy, contempt, whatever. I really thought you hated me and my voice at some point. I mean, I really could get on people's nerves, I can admit that :-). I only noticed in our senior year that you actually liked me at least a bit. _

Liked_ you a little? I was – still am - head over heels in love with you, Rachel!_ Quinn wanted to exclaim but kept these thoughts to herself. Instead, she asked:

_Why were you always so nice to me? Why did you always know the right things to say to me? So many times when I have felt like lashing out with all the anger I had at that time, you set me straight. When I was pregnant, you made me aware that I had real friends in Glee Club. When I wanted to destroy Shelby by telling Figgins about Puck and her having an affair, again it was you who helped me see the futility in my plan. _

_It sometimes got me so mad that you were able to look right into my heart and soul to help me make the right decisions when all I wanted to do was to hurt people. I never understood why you even bothered. Haven't you wanted to hit me and knock me over? Not just once? I would have hated me; I still hate the person I was at high school. I hate myself for what I did to you._

Ashamed, she dropped her head and kneaded her hands in her lap, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to spill. She did not have the strength to look at her friend sitting on opposite side of the couch with her legs tugged under her.

At that point, Rachel gently reached out and turned Quinn's head to one side. She then removed the earplug from one, then the other ear. Quinn closed her eyes, her skin tingling under Rachel's touch. All that existed at that moment was the feeling of the brunette's hand on her chin. She wished she would never let go. Quinn had to suppress the urge to hold Rachel's hand in place, and felt berated when the other woman finally took her hand away. She held her eyes closed, lingering in the experience she had just felt.

"Don't hate yourself, Quinn." Rachel's voice softly washed over her. When she heard – actually _heard_ – Rachel pronounce her name in that soft manner, she thought it was the most beautiful sound. And so very special. She locked it inside her head so she would never forget. Before she could say anything, Rachel continued.

"No, I never wanted to hurt you. You did a pretty good job of doing that yourself. I just wanted for you to see the real Quinn - the Quinn that I saw, which I knew was there under all the outer layers."

Rachel paused for a moment. She was surprised that despite all her fears and insecurities she found it easy to actually raise her voice and speak to Quinn. It made it so much easier expressing herself. She just hoped that she was able to bring across her feelings in the right way and that her speech was not slurred or monotone. In her head, it sounded normal. Maybe she should have practiced more, just as her speech therapist had suggested. Well, it was too late now.

She found Quinn's hazel eyes searching hers. They locked their gazes and held it for a couple of seconds. Then Quinn's hand moved tentatively, searching for the right signs.

_I wish you would never stop talking._

Rachel furrowed her eyebrows and Quinn hastened to explain.

_I appreciate this gesture so much Rachel. But please don't do it if you don't feel comfortable. I understand, really. _

What was Quinn trying to tell her? Was her pronunciation so bad that Quinn wanted her to stop talking or did she really just want to make her feel comfortable?

Her doubts must have showed on her face because Quinn immediately picked up on her feelings.

_Rachel, it is amazing, when you talk, you just sound like you used to! When I had my eyes closed a moment ago, I could have sworn for a moment that everything was back to normal. It is a very special gift for me to hear you talk, Rachel. Don't ever think anything less, please! I understand how much effort it must cost. _

"Actually it's not the speaking itself, just wondering so much how I sound. I don't know, I always think I sound flat or monotone, even though in my mind I hear myself talking normally. But I have no way of checking my pitch."

Quinn pulled the pad onto her lap to explain her thoughts in more detail.

_Well, I think you do have a way of checking your pitch somehow. Otherwise, you would not be able to pronounce the words as you did. You said you hear yourself talking normally in your mind. Apparently, you can still transfer the sounds you have in your head to your voice, even without hearing yourself. This is the only way I could explain why you sound normal when speaking. _

Rachel had to digest this. If it were really true, maybe it would make her life a bit easier if she allowed herself to talk a bit more. She would not have to be afraid that people looked at her strangely, fearing they would not understand what she was saying.

After all, she was always known to have that unique talent that enabled her to translate melodies she had in her head into song in an instant without any trouble. She only had to glance at the notes on a sheet and she could instantly hit the perfect key on her vocal cord. But that was when she had the advantage of controlling her voice through her hearing. She wondered if what Quinn said was true, did that mean that some of her talent was still there? And that it might help her to keep her voice sound normal when talking, at least? After all, that was what her speech therapist also had told her.

She found it interesting that she was able to discuss this very sensitive topic with Quinn. Her dads had asked her to talk more. She had flat out refused every single request from them. _Especially_ from them. She had feared that this would lull them more into their denial. If she talked to them, they could still pretend. There was no way she was going to do that. If she had to face the truth, they would also have to face it.

Rachel found out that just because Quinn had never asked her to speak and was always trying to understand her in different ways, it was Rachel's own voluntary act to give that concession to her friend.

At one thirty they both decided to call it a night. Even though they still had a lot to talk about. Especially the kiss. Both had danced around that topic, neither of them wanting to touch upon it yet. Eventually they would have to address it, lest it became a huge pink elephant in the room that made every other interaction just plainly uncomfortable. That was something that none of the two ever wanted again. Without openly planning it, they both knew they would have to discuss it and its consequences next time.

Quinn had offered Rachel to stay in her guest room, because it was already so late, but Rachel declined. She wanted to wake up in her own surroundings.

At least Quinn convinced her to take a cab.

"Thank you, Quinn, for the dinner." Rachel stated while getting up from the couch.

_Which we only have half eaten,_ Quinn conceded and waved across the dining table and kitchen.

Rachel chuckled. "Well, you know what I mean."

Rachel searched Quinn's eyes and saw the deeper meaning reflected in the other woman's green eyes. Quinn nodded and hugged Rachel and both held each other for a moment, grateful to have found each other again.

Then Quinn help Rachel into her coat; accompanied her downstairs and waited for her to get into the taxi. Before climbing in, Rachel turned and threw a dazzling smile at the blond woman. Quinn reached out and squeezed her friend's hand in a silent reply.

When the car drove off, Quinn gave a little wave and stared after the disappearing taillights.

* * *

******Continuous thanks to my beta reader Nicole!**

**I'm very grateful for all your reviews and all the followers!**

**The reviews help me understand how the story works for you and which kind of elements you like... and wish for. I hear you ... **

**There is just no telling if I can or cannot follow up on your wishes. ****Somehow my heart always keeps meddling and then the scenes often turn out differently from the way I originally planned them in my head. Let's see where it is steering me :-)  
**


	13. Chapter 13

**Standard Disclaimer for Glee and I have no ownership over the original characters.  
**

* * *

**Chapter 13**

It was Saturday the next day and Quinn had an evening show she needed to attend. They had agreed to meet again on Sunday for breakfast.

Rachel woke up on Saturday morning to the flashing light of her alarm clock. Recently she had gotten back to her old schedule of rising early and exercising a little before starting her day. Now that she did not feel so nauseous anymore, she had also taken up running on her treadmill again. In the beginning, because of the dislocation of the ossicle bones in her ear, her equilibrium had been severely affected. With every hasty movement, she felt her head spinning. That caused her to tumble more than once and accounted for numerous bruises. She was still cautious walking down stairs, allthough the spells of dizziness had almost ceased completely.

After her workout, she treated herself with a nice long and hot bath - also something she had not done in a very long time. At least not without thinking about drowning herself. She took a book with her and while the white foam floated around her, she noticed that she had read the same page of the novel in her hands for the third time without remembering the words. Her thoughts always wandered back to the evening she had shared with Quinn. Everything had happened so differently from what she had expected.

She would not have imagined that Quinn would learn ASL. Even though a fluent conversation was not possible yet, it still impressed Rachel immensely. How Quinn had managed to learn so many words and formulations in just a couple of days was amazing. She knew from her own experience to star in a Broadway show took almost every free minute for preparation and rehearsals. That did not leave much leisure time in the peak seasons, which was definitely the case, with Christmas coming up and so many more tourists exploring New York. She would have to ask Quinn about her schedule next time. She must have spent every free minute practicing ASL.

The fact she had picked her up at the subway station also showed great consideration from Quinn. It was a well appreciated gesture. Rachel had felt strangely safe and secure all of a sudden when she saw the familiar figure standing on top of the stairs, offering her one of her beautiful and honest smiles. And Rachel knew a lot about smiles. As an actress, you were the master of smiles for all kinds of people and situations. So she could discern fake from true smiles easily, not matter how well versed people were in trying to hide their real feelings behind them. With Quinn, she had only seen true smiles being directed at her. She did not try to hide her feelings in Rachel's presence. Not like she had in high school, acting as if Rachel's existence caused her pure agony.

Rachel knew the true reason behind it now, but it had been very disheartening all those years ago.

Now, everything about Quinn's actions seemed genuine and unaffected. The brunette had to acknowledge that her former high school friend was truly trying hard to make Rachel see she cared deeply about her and her situation.

But why on earth would Quinn want to go as far as to experience deafness herself, Rachel still could not quite understand.

Well, that was not quite true. She could understand the interest behind it, yes, but she did not see why Quinn would actually go through with it. Quinn could see what impact and limitation it had on Rachel, even with the smallest interaction, so why did she want to endure it herself? Rachel could not blame Quinn for breaking down like she did when realization hit her. Even though it was only a temporary situation for her friend. Nevertheless, at that moment it was real and Rachel could relate so much.

She remembered when it was the first time she had realized what was wrong with her after waking up at the hospital.

She watched people move around her, the pain in her head wanting to make her vomit and her dads peering at her with anxious faces. Rachel had no idea where they had come from. Someone must have called them. How long had she been out? Later she learned that she had been unconscious for two days.

At first, she had not realized what was wrong. Only that something was not right. Then it hit her as a doctor breezed through the door and apparently spoke to her dads, but none of the words reached her ears. She had thrown a confused look at her parents, then back to the doctor, lifting a shaking hand to her ears that were covered in thick gauze.

Hiram held a pad in front of her, where someone had written in short words what had happened. When it registered, she bolted upright in her bed, despite the pain, fighting against the hands that tried to hold her down. She had ripped at the bandages screaming and ranting until a doctor and a nurse finally managed to sedate her.

After that, she had lain in her hospital bed, not eating and not communicating. Every time someone tried to get her attention, she just turned her head in the other direction. At that time, she had not believed she would come to the point she found herself at now – to be walking, talking and still breathing. And that the person that mattered most in her life would actually want to experience what she was going through.

Though Rachel had to admit with a smile, her friend's self-imposed deafness had given her a reason to touch Quinn more often than otherwise would have been necessary. Every time she had, it sent electric sparks up her fingers. Not speaking about the kiss that they shared. That almost felt like a 1000-volt charge surging through her. Rachel still felt the tingles in her spine remembering. Subconsciously she touched her lips with her fingers, savoring the feeling of Quinn's soft lips against hers.

With a start, she pulled herself out of her reverie. How on god's earth could that have happened? What did it mean for her, for Quinn, for their friendship? Just five days ago, she would not have thought of ever having Quinn back in her life, and now all this?

It was just crazy. But crazy felt so good right now, she admitted to herself.

She had always wondered why she had never managed to forget Quinn completely. Why - despite all the meanness and rudeness the blonde had displayed towards her - she had always wanted the other girl to see for herself the wonderful person she, Quinn, could be. That arrogant and aggressive outer shell could not deter Rachel from the fact that there was so much potential and depth in that girl. She had hoped for Quinn that one day she would find that spark inside her and would stop suppressing it.

Rachel was glad that their separation had served at least to fuel Quinn's strive for a career in the show business and that she had found her true inner calling and stayed true to it.

Rachel closed the book and dropped it next to the bathtub on the floor. Then she slid down and ducked under water. Pushing herself up again, breaking through the surface of the bathwater, she smoothed her long brown hair out of her face with both hands and reached for the shampoo. Slowly she lathered the liquid into her hair.

Returning back to the evening before, Rachel was still somewhat confused. Where did the kiss leave them now? Surely, a relationship was out of the question. Rationally thinking, she had never considered herself to be into women and she had never considered Quinn to be into women either and she was not sure she had the strength to go through with it. The short time with Quinn had awakened her spirit again, but plunging head on into this relationship – be it solely based on friendship or more - was just too much for her right now.

One other reason that kept nagging at the back of her head was the simple fact that she was deaf. That would take too great a toll on a relationship with Quinn. Hell, on any relationship. With Quinn being a professional singer on Broadway, Rachel just could not see herself in the picture. As much as Quinn tried to show her how much she cared, Rachel dreaded the day when Quinn would notice that this was not a momentary situation, but that her deafness was permanent. There would never be a change. She would never be able to see a show and compliment Quinn on her singing or help her prepare for a role.

If push came to shove, it would be hard to survive Quinn leaving her again, no matter what kind of relationship they were in, friendship or else.

Rachel firmly shook her head at her own musings. God, there she was already discussing things in her mind that five days ago she would not have dreamed of ever happening. She had to stop _assuming, _at least when it came to Quinn. She had learned that much so far.

After rinsing her hair, Rachel slowly got out of the water and grabbed a towel. When she was standing in front of the mirror, slowly trying to get the knots and tangles out of her brown mane, her heart asked her a different question. _What did she have to lose?_

She had been at the very bottom of her own nightmarish pit; so deep that she actually thought about ending her life. Any perseverance left in her had managed to keep her fighting for her life and convince her to at least give it a try. So she looked up from that deep place she had been and actually searched for a way out. And now, over the past days someone had managed to pull her upwards. Her heart tried to tell her that she should hand out her trust and take the offered hand.

She decided to take one step at a time. Wait and see what the next day would bring.

After a light breakfast, Rachel dropped into her desk chair and opened her laptop to check her few messages. Kurt had sent her another e-mail. He missed her, he wondered why she disappeared off the face of the earth, he was worried, he wanted to see her. And that he would repeat sending her these messages until she was finally willing to admit that he still cared about her very much. He would never give up. When she had deleted all his e-mails before in a rush and in anger, today she managed to smile at his tenacity and at the exact same words she had heard from someone else before.

Kurt had been the only one she had allowed to visit her in the hospital. Just once. And she had sworn him to secrecy about her condition, making him swear by his father's life never to tell anyone. Then she had blocked all of his further attempts to contact her again. It had just been too painful.

As she stared at his words, she realized all of a sudden that all she had accused Quinn of, she did in the same way to Kurt. And to her other friends for that matter. She had pushed them out of her life without even letting them know why, without even giving them a chance to do right by her. She had just assumed that she would be a burden and did not want to face the repercussions. So even before someone had the chance to make a mistake, she quenched all attempts in their seeds without even clarifying why.

She had been absolutely adamant that no one should learn about her accident or particularly about the consequences. People were speculating that her disappearance obviously had something to do with the car crash, but they never learnt the whole truth. She had sworn her assistant to absolute secrecy and Melissa had done an excellent job handling the press, insurance agencies and her lawyers with regards to her contract obligations with the theater. As the accident had happened late at night, no bystanders had witnessed it. A tenant from a nearby apartment had heard the crash and called for help. That was her luck. The only bit of luck she had that night.

Her thoughts returned to Quinn. Deep in her heart, Rachel knew that she would have forgiven Quinn. If she would have been given the _chance_ to understand why she kept away from her, she would have tried everything to help and support Quinn in whatever way.

As this revelation washed through her, she also grasped why Quinn was trying to support her now and what all the other people that cared about her wanted to do. They all wanted to let her know that no matter what had happened, no matter how it changed Rachel's life, they would still love her. HER. Not just her voice, not just the successful singer or actress but her as a person. The other things were all facets of her, granted - important ones, but still they were only a part _of_ her. There was still so much more about her even without her voice or her ability to hear. She just had to find out what that was.

Tears slipped down her cheeks and for the first time since the accident, she was able to accept herself the way she was, including all negative and positive aspects. As she silently cried, she felt as if another burden had been lifted off her shoulders.

And then her fingers flew over the keyboard.

_- Dear Kurt -_

_I'm so sorry! I have been such a mess and you were trying to be a good friend and I never let you. I feel so ashamed and stupid and it took me all these months to come back to my senses. Well, at least to the remaining four :-)_

_Kurt, I don't know where to start to explain and apologize to you. A lot has happened and I am still trying to sort out my thoughts. But I realized that I pushed you away when I needed a friend the most. I hurt so much after realizing what the accident had caused that I did not have the strength to face anyone who knew me from before. It has taken me all these long months to get my bearings again. _

_I'm not great, but I am getting better. I still have a long way ahead of me to accept and learn and plan, but at least I'm taking a very small baby step forward. And it took another person to pull me out of my stupor. That was when I noticed that friends are always important and that one cannot exist without them._

_I was not a good friend to you over the past months, Kurt. But I would like to try to be a better one in the future, if you let me. _

_Please let me know how you are and what you are up to!_

_Thank you for never giving up on me. _

_- Hugs Rachel -  
_

She pressed "send" and leaned back in her chair. Yes. She was definitely taking a step forward. And it felt good!

... ... ...

Just a couple of hours later she received an answer from her old Glee partner. Eagerly she opened the text.

_ - Dear Rachel! -  
_

_I'm so happy about your message! _

_Don't ever apologize, Rachel. I can truly understand that you needed time to digest and understand what happened and what impact it has on your life. _

_Believe me, I will keep sending you messages for the rest of your life, if necessary. Even though you chose to not want to stay in contact, I wanted you to know that I was still there and would always be there. That is why I kept sending my e-mails. I didn't know if I should have reacted differently or if I could have helped you in any other way, but I felt that when it was ok for you, you would know that you could contact me. _

_That is what friends are for. True friends do not abandon you when you are going through a rough time._

_I'm really glad to hear that you are better! And who is this mysterious person that helped you? I'm curious, you know, I want to know all about him or her! You could at least have given me a name! Well, I'm just teasing. -  
_

_If you knew Kurt, if only you knew_, Rachel thought. He would either squeal in delight or drop his jaw in pure astonishment. He was a sucker for this kind of stories. She shook her head, smiling and focused back on his message.

_- I would very much like to meet you, if that is ok with you. Whenever you're ready. Let me know. I am also happy to communicate in any written form as long as you wish, if that makes you more comfortable. _

_Just in case I can convince you to a real life meeting, I happen to be free tonight. One of the in-style parties has been canceled at the last minute. Now isn't that a coincidence!? You know the address :-). I would dress up especially in a welcome outfit for you, Rachel!_

_And I could update you then on my incredible life in the world of fashion! Blaine is not home, so you would have me and my gorgeous self all to yourself and with that, my undivided attention. How does that sound?_

_- Love Kurt -  
_

Rachel could _so_ imagine Kurt dressing up in one of his unique and special Kurt-ish ensembles of clothes. Oh, she really missed him, she noticed. It would be good to see him again. Since he already knew about her deafness, at least she would not have to be afraid of going through the whole 'shock-and-I-can't-believe-what-happened'-phase.

Going back to her old apartment, that was something else. That's where everything began. Her life in New York, NYADA, her first Broadway roles… Rachel was not sure if she was strong enough to face those memories that the familiar surroundings would trigger.

Then again, she really wanted to see Kurt, but she did not want to invite him to her apartment. Somehow, this would be a step too far, to let him enter her sanctuary. She had debated with herself for a long time about inviting Quinn over for breakfast on Sunday. But as she had already shared quite some intimate moments with her through their discussions – and yes, that kiss also counted for one of the more intimate moments– she felt ok letting Quinn enter into her home.

So where would that leave her for the evening? She closed her eyes. Memories came up anyway at any inconvenient time. But now, not only of the old times, also more recent ones, very recent ones. She figured, if she ever wanted to overcome the loneliness, this longing and the pain at always having to think about her losses, she would have to create some new memories, good and happy new memories.

This she could only do if she started to participate in life again. And that also included interacting with other people. Why not start with friends who really cared and take Kurt up on his offer? It was a safe environment - except for the way getting there, but that she could manage somehow. She had done it the night before.

Rachel let out a deep breath and typed her answer, a little surprised by her own boldness.

_- Hey Kurt! -  
_

_Guess what. I'll take you up on your offer! And I'll send this e-mail quickly so I won't have time to change my mind…Would 7 p.m. be a good time to drop by?  
Oh, and please do wear that hippo brooch for me!_

_And you are sure you don't want to use your spontaneous night off for an unscheduled make-out session with Blaine ;-)? Sorry, couldn't resist it. _

_- Rachel -  
_

It did not take long for the answer to come back.

_- Haha, Rachel, haha.-_

_I see you are getting back to your old self. We are not scheduling make-out sessions anymore. We have become a very spontaneous couple, so you know! But if it makes you smile, I will let you tease me all night. (I am theatrically placing the back of my hand against my forehead, sighing dramatically.) _

_7 pm is fine. Dress up._

_- Kurt -  
_

Rachel had to laugh again at Kurt's antics.

_- Aaaawww, you're so sweet, Kurt!-_

_Why the dress-up? And which degree of "dress-up"? Like totally 'Tony Award winning' dress up or just a 'I meet a good friend after a long time' dress up? I need some guidance here.  
To be honest, I was figuring a cozy night on the couch… Going out is kinda not in my range currently…_

_- R. -  
_

Maybe she should have declined his invitation from the beginning. This was already getting out of hand before it even began. An envelope floating across the screen alerted her to another e-mail.

_- Rachel, relax, we will stay put, I promise! It goes more in the direction of 'finally I meet my most stylish friend Kurt again and I need to look good to impress him' kind of dress :-). But any way you dress, you'll look gorgeous, I know!  
And if you choose to come naked, fine by me, just get here!_

_- Kurt – very excited! -  
_

Rachel only managed to smile and shake her head at the screen after reading Kurt's response. This was going to be interesting.

* * *

**Ok guys, I give up. No, not on the story, don't worry. But everytime I try to space the text a bit further apart to make it easier to read, especially when switching between the e-mails and normal text, this system here does not save it and squeezes everything together again. GRRRRRRRR! Soooo frustrating! **

**If anyone knows how to do it, help! (Yes, I have tried to use double space and double-double space here and in the original document. Doesn't work. Shift+Enter also does not work. As soon as I save this document, every formating is gone. Gonsky. It's ok, just ignore me, computer software! Just do that. One day you will want something from ME and then look who is laughing! Ha!) **

**Guys, never mind me, just being back from my first day of work after three weeks of vacation... I tend to rant if I am tired. :-) And I start talking to things. Like computers. I KNOW they can hear me and are secretely laughing their heads off behind my back. **

**Well, I'll go rant a bit further on my chapter 15 that is probably more productive than stealing your time here.  
**

* * *

**I have just been watching the newest Castle episode 'Significant Others'. Is it just me or is there motive behind the names used in this episode?  
**

**There is a  
**

**- Mr. Schu(e)ster  
**

**- Noah  
**

**- Lea(nne)  
**

**- And last but not least: 2 characters dating named Cory and Michelle!  
**

**HELL-OOOOOO? :-). I am definitely watching for Castle references in the next Glee episode! :-)  
**


	14. Chapter 14

**I do not own Glee (I know I keep repeating myself…) or its characters.**

**I wish I did, though. (I know, I mentioned THAT before as well :-))**

**Thank you Nicole for your hard work correcting my mistakes and being patient with me for repeatedly misspelling a certain person's name mentioned in this chapter :-)**

* * *

**Chapter 14**

It took Rachel forty-five minutes to get to her old apartment. This time, she was a bit more prepared standing on the platform waiting for the train. She anticipated feeling the train coming and just like the day before, the wind picked up and the rumble alerted her of its approach. Again, she tried to stay close to the wall to have everything else in her view.

When she stood in front of her old building, she looked up its façade and found the apartment brightly lit. She knew of Kurt's love for candles; however, that romantic atmosphere made it quite difficult to see the other person's features and gestures for her. So she was glad that he had considered her condition.

When she knocked on the door, it was pulled open immediately as if Kurt had been waiting behind it. He beamed and threw up his arms, wiggling them, waiting for her to step into his embrace.

She hugged Kurt fiercely and held him in a long embrace. She felt his jaw move against the side of her head and her suspicion was correct when she also felt the vibration in his body.

Slowly she pulled back with a smile. "I have no idea whatever you were just saying, Kurt, I'm guessing it was something along the line of 'I am so happy to see you'. Well, I'm happy to see you, too, Kurt!"

It was so Kurt that in all his enthusiasm he would bubble over with joy. She chuckled a bit at his embarrassed look. He covered his mouth in disbelief at his own lapse.

_God, Rachel, I am so sorry; I don't know what came over me. And yes. You guessed correctly. I am so happy to see you!_

His hands flew through the air and Rachel's jaw dropped. How was that possible? Another person who learned sign language to communicate with her?

Kurt squeezed her into another hug. Then he pulled her inside, took her coat, and guided her to the living room. Rachel turned around to take in the decoration of the flat. It had not changed much, the living room, the kitchen, it was still the same, even the kitchen table with the white mismatched chair was still there. What used to be her bedroom was now turned into a little office and music room with a piano in the middle. The two lamps in the living room were gone; the one with the white lampshade and the one in the corner with the red stand. That one Rachel had never liked much anyway. Otherwise, she felt right at home again.

Turning, she found Kurt smiling at her.

_So, what do you think? Still the same?_

_Yes. Pretty much,_ she signed back. _I feel right at home._

Then she made a sweeping motion down her body.

_Enough dress up for my friend that I have not seen for such a long time?_ She asked with her eyebrow raised.

She wore a black, sleeveless dress with elegant, black boots and a dark lavender colored cocktail jacket.

_Yes, I like the color! You look very elegant. _Kurt complimented her.

_Thanks for wearing …_ she searched for the correct sign and when she could not remember, she pointed at the hippo brooch that adorned Kurt's jacket.

"…that!" She then added aloud and laughed.

_Anything to make you happy. After all, it was your special request!_

Kurt himself wore dark grey trousers, a black vest and a black, Asian style jacket with a band collar and hand sewn Chinese coins lining the front edge next to the knot closures. He looked very handsome in this outfit and she told him so.

They settled comfortably on the couch, leaning against the armrests, facing each other.

_When did you learn ASL? _Rachel did not slow her signing with Kurt as much as she had with Quinn. He had a lot more practice, it seemed.

_I started taking lessons when I heard what happened. After I visited you in the hospital. I had asked your dads once how you were. And they told me. _

_Even though I pushed you away and did not want to see you anymore, you still took the effort to learn? _She skipped over his comment regarding her dads.

_I had always hoped that maybe one day we would see each other again_. Kurt smiled.

"Oh." Rachel lowered her head. She was humbled by the gestures of her friends. She had severely misjudged them. Through her tears threatening to spill, she felt a tender hand on her chin, gently lifting her head so she would face Kurt again. She wiped her eyes so she could see what he was saying.

_Rachel, don't berate yourself. I understand. You had to find your way. You had to come to terms with this situation. Let's take it from here, ok?_

Rachel nodded a small smile.

_So, how are you?_ Kurt asked with a sincere look, his eyes searching the familiar face, finding the warm, brown eyes of his friend. He had truly missed her.

Rachel raised her hand and dropped it again in her lap, the equivalent of a shrug. Her eyes followed her own hand and she kept her gaze trained to her lap when she tried to answer Kurt's question honestly.

Again, she found it easier to speak than she had expected. If Kurt tried to accommodate her, she could at least give something back.

"It's up and down, mostly. The hardest part is that I sometimes feel like I'm going to explode. I feel this pressure rising in me and have no way of releasing it." She raised her brown eyes. "I need to sing Kurt. I just need to! And I don't know how to handle it. Running on my treadmill only helps temporarily. It just numbs this longing until the exhaustion wears off. I can't keep running for the rest of my life twenty-four seven just to suppress this urge which I know I can never vent!"

Kurt quickly squeezed Rachel's hand before pulling back to sign.

_I can understand that Rachel. Is there any way I can help?_ He sincerely asked.

"Yeah, give me back my hearing!" She sighed. "Sorry. That wasn't fair."

Rachel shook her head. _No, you can't help. Not really. I just have to find my own way of dealing with this, I guess. Maybe I'll just become a … _She waved her hand through the air in search of an example._ … painter. Or I'll start composing, just like that Beethoven guy. _Kurt chuckled at her joke._ I don't know. I will take you up on your offer to help if I do know, ok?_

Then she threw a genuine smile at him._ So, how is life in the music and fashion industry?_

_Not so fast, young lady! We will come to me later and I will ask for a respectable amount of stage time, but I want to know about that secret person you mentioned in your e-mail. Spill, who is it? Someone I know?_

He wiggled his eyebrows with his last question and Rachel had to laugh again. God, she had forgotten how much fun Kurt could be.

Though Rachel quickly sobered when she thought about how best to tell Kurt what had happened. Before actually coming to the point where Quinn entered her life again, she had to tell him about the time before. How lost, isolated and downright depressed she had been. So Kurt would understand what meeting Quinn had meant for Rachel.

Since she reverted back to speaking, Kurt was able to hold her hand as a sign of comfort during the not so easy memories of the time when she was released from the hospital, trying to find her bearings - literally - again.

Rachel then told him about how Quinn noticed her by a chance passing by the theater and that she had followed her to the Community Center and what this encounter had set into motion. Kurt had tears in his eyes when she came to the part of Quinn seeing her break down in the hallway when she told Quinn the truth and still the blonde would not let her escape. How she had held her back and had done everything to give her comfort.

_It must have been a shock for her too, to realize what had happened. You know, it always takes a toll on the people around you. They have to come to terms with what happened as well, Rachel._

"Yes, well. That is true. But I'd rather have someone dealing with it in an honest and open way than trying to either pretend nothing is wrong or ignore me, because they cannot deal with it. And with my dad's I had the feeling it was worse for them than for me. With Quinn, I don't know, as difficult as it was having her enter my life just like that again, especially under these circumstances, somehow it felt so … As if a missing piece had finally fallen into its place. Do you understand what I am trying to say?" Rachel threw a questioning look at her friend.

_Yes, I know._ Kurt nodded and gave her knowing smile.

"I don't know what possessed me to agree to go to lunch with her and to have dinner with her, but I could not say no or stay away. Her honesty and caring were so genuine, so heartwarming that despite all my rejections that came up in my head, I had to keep seeing her. She managed to pull me out of my isolation. Reconnecting with someone, well, not someone, with a person that is so important to me made me realize a lot of things about myself. And, well, I guess that also made me look at your messages in another light and finally let me come to my senses."

Rachel prodded on and finally came to the recount of the events of the night before. Remembering one particular scene, she slightly shook her head, still in disbelief that it had actually happened.

_What? What happened then? Come on, Rachel, don't torture me here!_

Kurt jumped a bit up and down while signing, being so enraptured by her story, his eyes wide with excitement. He had insisted on every little detail. _Every_ detail.

"Well, when she started crying so hard, I rushed over and knelt down in front of her. I was so worried! And then… then…" subconsciously Rachel lifted her fingertips again up to her lips and closed her eyes. "And then she kissed me. On my lips." She threw a glance at Kurt with that revelation.

His jaw dropped and he was too stunned to move or sign.

"Quinn. Fabray. Kissed. You. On. The. Mouth?" Was all he managed to say very slowly.

"Hmhm." She nodded and lifted a questioning eyebrow, waiting for another reaction from her friend. He was rarely speechless, but this stunner must have blocked the word processor in his brain.

Then the ignition seemed to be turned on again and before he caught himself, he exclaimed, with his hand on his heart:

"No way! No way!"

Rachel easily understood his comment by reading his lips. "Yes way. She kissed me. And then she profoundly apologized."

Kurt blinked and lifted his hands again to sign.

_You know, I …. Would have expected anything to happen, but not this. This is the most interesting and most incredible story life can write. _

"Tell me about it."

_And now what? What will you do now? How will you deal with this?_

Rachel got up and started pacing the room, trying to collect her thoughts.

"I don't know. My mind is doing cartwheels. There are so many emotions racing through me, I can hardly get a grip on them. Everything is happening so fast. Five days ago I tried to get through each dreaded day, everything was pure routine and I was well organized, having a good check on my emotions. And then, bam -"

She slapped her hands together for emphasis.

"- in one instant everything is turned upside down. Everything I had carefully organized inside of me is blown apart. It had hurt so much when Quinn did not return my calls and did not want to see me anymore. Then the accident happened and I gave up hope completely to ever… reconnect with her."

She took a couple of breaths before she could continue.

"But I never really managed to forget her. I the hell don't know how many times I sang _On my own_ for myself with her on my mind before the accident."

The last sentence slipped out of her mouth before she could stop it.

That was the second time Kurt found himself speechless. With effort, he managed to sign:

_You what?_

Rachel sagged on the couch table, facing Kurt. She closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. No turning back now.

"At some point I realized that … that Quinn meant more to me than just as a friend. In a way, I was glad that we did not see each other. I don't know how I could have handled my feelings for her with her near me. I never thought she would… I would… we would… I mean, I … she is a woman and …" She rubbed a hand over her forehead.

"Kurt, I am so confused," she whispered, tears starting to spill.

He pulled Rachel over to the couch for comfort and held her close until she calmed down. He could imagine the roller coaster of emotions she was on with everything that was happening to her. When she pulled back, he handed her tissue and smiled encouragingly at her.

_Welcome to the club, _he signed when he had his hands free again. That comment threw a small smile on Rachel's face before she wrinkled her brows.

_What, you are confused as well?_

Kurt laughed at Rachel's cute puzzled expression when she asked that question.

_You know, give yourself some time. You don't have to rush anything. It will work out, I am sure. I am truly impressed by how Quinn reacted over the past days from what you told me. You also mean very much to her. Her whole demeanor towards you proves that. The Quinn I know, or remember, would not walk around kissing girls lightly. Just take it easy and step by step. But you know, you are not telling me a real secret about your feelings. I guessed it when I saw your face every time after you tried calling her and she would not answer. You looked as if a piece of your heart would break with every unanswered call. That's when my gaydar – _he had to fingerspell this_ – went on first alert. However, I never really thought that something between you and Quinn would happen. _He grinned.

"Have I been that transparent? God, I hope I had my face in check while I was with her the other days," Rachel groaned. For the next sentence, she used her hands again, as if to make a point.

_Kurt. I am deaf. I am still not anywhere near having sorted out my life. I barely managed to get out of my apartment the past weeks. All my social life for the past 6 months has happened in the last 5 days. I am nowhere near being ready to think about love or a relationship. It just seems crazy in my situation. Especially since Quinn is singing on Broadway. _

She added with a bitter expression: _I am not sure what she would want with a deaf friend/girlfriend anyway. _

Rachel cut the air with her hand to indicate the slash between the two words _friend_ and _girlfriend_.

Kurt cupped his friend's face gently in both hands and looked her deep into the eyes. When he was sure he had her full attention, he softly let go and formed his answer.

_Rachel, stop this wheel in your mind for a while. It will not bring you anywhere near a solution. Give Quinn some credit. Maybe, as hard as it might be, talk to her. Tell her honestly what you feel and what this whole situation does to you. Give her the chance to know what she is dealing with. You felt so helpless when you had no idea what happened to your friendship, when she would not talk to you. I can imagine that she is as confused and insecure now as you are. Stop assuming! And as hard as it might still be, stop depreciating yourself. _

Kurt's comment struck home. Wasn't that exactly what she had told herself this morning?

_You are still Rachel, you are still witty, funny, beautiful and sexy and intelligent. Don't underestimate yourself. Give yourself and Quinn time to come to terms with this whole situation and everything it entails. _

_I know. My heart knows that. But it is so hard to stop the machine in my head. _

_I may have the perfect recipe for that. Let's numb it with some incredible Domino's pizza and some red wine. Ok? _

Rachel leaned back, a hand on her grumbling stomach. She laughed, "Ok, my belly says yes to that!"

Kurt chuckled as well, stood up and asked if Rachel wanted to come with him to pick up the pizza. As Domino's was right around the corner, he did not ask for delivery but usually got it himself.

She shook her head.

_I'll stay and snoop around while you're gone_, she signed with a mischievous grin on her face.

_Ok, but the second drawer in the blue cabinet is off limits_, Kurt retorted.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Rachel got up as well, made a dismissive hand gesture in Kurt's direction, and teasingly turned towards the mentioned cabinet in the music corner. Over her shoulder, she watched him raise a warning finger and with that, he disappeared through the door. On her way over to the cabinet, she had to pass the piano in the middle of the room. That stopped her in her tracks. She stood for a long moment, not moving, just focusing on the instrument in front of her. Then her feet carried her towards it. Rachel did not know what pulled her over to it, but she tentatively placed her right hand on the smooth surface and walked around it until she stood before the keys, never lifting her hand. She raised the lid with her other hand and watched the lights of the apartment being reflected on the white, shiny keys. She had to ask Kurt when he bought it. She had never seen him play before.

Rachel still had her hand on top of the piano and the other rested unmoving by her side. Slowly, as if it had a life of its own, her left hand moved, hovered over the keys, and then dropped onto the C4. She felt the chord in the instrument reverberate and transmit the sound to the wood beneath her fingertips. She pressed the same key again and closed her eyes. Then she hit the E above, then the G and the C5. The vibrations changed beneath her skin with every note she climbed higher. When she hit an accord of all three notes CEG, the whole piano came alive under her touch.

She played more accords and each sent slightly different vibrations up her arm. Rachel felt temptation rise in her. Slowly she bent forward, still standing in front of the piano and leaned her left elbow on the top of the piano, placing her left hand against her chest at the same time. With her right hand, she played the C4. Remembering the sound of that tone, she started humming. The vibrations racing through the piano were different from the ones she felt in her chest, due to the different sizes of their respective resonating frames. It confused Rachel more than it helped. So she dropped her left arm and just started playing a scale. Her eyes followed the movements of the keys her fingers caused, but without touching the wood, it seemed unreal somehow. She imagined in her mind how the scales had sounded the way she used to play them to warm up. Her fingers kept skipping over the shiny keys.

... ... ...

Kurt pushed the door open and almost dropped the pizza he held in his hand. He already heard the piano in the hallway, but he did not expect Rachel to be sitting in front of it, completely lost in her play, her eyes half closed. Even if it was just scales, she was running up and down, Kurt was more than intrigued. Because Rachel kept humming along.

After a moment, he snapped out of his amazement. Whatever had possessed Rachel to start playing, he felt he should not pry on her unbidden. Kurt stomped his foot on the wooded floor to alert Rachel of his presence. Only after the third time did she noticed. She whirled around with a startled expression on her face as if Kurt had just caught her in doing something completely forbidden. All the color drained from her face.

After Rachel's initial shock had worn off, she swallowed hard.

"Since when are you standing there?" She managed with a choked voice so quiet that Kurt had to strain his ears to hear her.

_I heard you humming along with the last two scales._

He simply stated, having placed the two pizza cartons on the kitchen table, his eyes shining unusually bright.

Rachel tried to control her breathing, staring at her friend across the room. She had been so lost in her playing and remembering the warm-ups before her shows that she had not even noticed she had _actually_ sung along. How could that have happened? This was not possible. She did not sing. Or hum. Whatever. Not anymore. God, she was so embarrassed right now that she wanted the earth to open and swallow her whole. With any other person she could have survived this, but not with Kurt. He had always been the most ambitious person pushing himself to perfection right next to Rachel. To have him listen to her croaking along some notes she played on the piano – her playing the piano that in itself was already absurd enough – was just an unbearable thought. She felt like running from the room. Instead, with almost an unbearable effort she straightened her back and lifted her chin.

Then she pointed at the cartons on the table: _The pizza is getting cold. I think we should eat. _She then signed, clearly not wanting to speak about it further.

Kurt stepped towards Rachel, but she held up a hand and moved back, wanting to keep the distance between them. Kurt stopped. He needed to diffuse this situation somehow. He needed to tell Rachel what he had heard.

_Don't… don't be embarrassed Rachel. _His gaze softened._ You were perfectly in tune. _

Rachel just shook her head, denying what her friend tried to tell her.

_Honestly, Rachel. You were. Why don't you try again?_

"Why don't I…Kurt, I am DEAF, I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF SING. There is no way I'm going to embarrass myself again like that. Just TALKING is already an obstacle for me, always worrying if people understand me and how I sound like. Am I too loud, too quiet, am I articulating myself correctly and so on? How dare you ask me why I wouldn't try to SING again?"

Ironically, her outburst came across perfectly articulated, even with the emphasis on the right words. But Kurt kept his mouth closed this time, understanding the doubts and insecurities Rachel was experiencing.

Rachel could not bear having Kurt tell her that. Even if it were true and even if what Quinn told her was true, that she sounded normal and that she might have hit the right tune just now, it did not matter, it did not count.

Because she would never be sure.

She would never be able to _really_ know for herself.

Her hands started moving.

_Let's eat, ok? Let's forget what just happened._

Then she slowly walked towards the kitchen area and started getting the plates out and cutlery from the familiar places, not looking at Kurt and thus conveniently cutting off every further communication for the moment.

Kurt release a long breath, he had half expected one of Rachel Berry's famous storm outs, not knowing how close he came to actually experience one. And he would not even have blamed her. But he was glad that she had decided to stay.

After they ate the first slice in uncomfortable silence, Rachel looked up from her plate and lifted her hands.

_I'm sorry Kurt. That was not fair. It was not your fault that you caught me in that situation. That was solely my mistake. I should never have gone near that piano. I have no idea what possessed me. _

She reached out a hand and was glad when her friend took it.

"And thank you, actually, for alerting me to your presence and not sneaking up on me."

He shrugged and smiled_. It was the only fair thing to do. I did not want to intrude, Rachel. _Before he could say more, she cut him off.

"So, tell me what has happened in your life besides learning to sign. And how is Blaine?"

Blaine and Kurt had found their way back together after a three-year separation. Recently Blaine had moved into Kurt's apartment and the last Rachel knew was that there was marriage talk.

Kurt's eyes started to sparkle when Rachel mentioned Blaine's name.

She had been with Kurt through all the ups and downs of his relationship with his former high school sweetheart. Even though both of them, Blaine and Kurt, had other partners during their separation, they could never really forget each other. When Blaine found an engagement with a small theater company in New York two years ago, it was just a matter of time when their paths would cross more than just casually. Kurt still worked as a freelancer for Vogue, reporting on show business fashion. Even though he graduated from NYADA, he still felt a strong kinship with the magazine that helped him set foot and leave an imprint in the Big Apple. Next to his freelancing job, he currently had an engagement in an independent off-Broadway production about a young man finding his way onto the stage in the 1920s, set shortly before the Second World War.

More at ease, they shared the rest of their dinner and the red wine Kurt had promised.

Marriage plans were up and taking form, the ceremony was planned for April in the coming year. Rachel was excited. And she was glad that she had stayed and not let her weak moment ruin the evening.

"You need help planning?" She clapped her hands and grinned at Kurt

_Oh yes, you bet! Look! _

He jumped up and came back with an armload of magazines, which he dumped between them. Several pages were marked with post-its and he led Rachel through his ideas of locations, settings, decorations, and invitations.

"And? Have you thought about the music?"

She surprised him with that question. Kurt scanned her face searching for any sign of bitterness or contempt. But he only saw honest curiosity. Then he nodded.

_Yes. At least I have one song that definitely has to play when I walk down the "aisle",_ he smirked and put the word aisle in figurative speech marks.

"Let me guess: You're the First, the Last, my Everyone by Barry White?"

His jaw dropped. _How did you know? I never ever told anyone before that this was my dream song. I know it is so cheesy – that's why I never told anyone, but…_ he sighed, leaned back in his chair, placed his hand on his heart and closed his eyes.

Rachel couldn't help but laugh out loud at this, that was so Kurt.

"No, really? Kurt, it's ok, I won't tell. I promise." She giggled feeling the effect of the wine.

He leaned forward poking a finger at his friend.

_Good, because otherwise I would have to kill you. I swear! No one will know before the first notes of this song hit the air and I float down the aisle in a dream of a white suit._

Rachel held up a hand and wiggled her little finger. "Pinky Promise!"

"Pinky Promise!" He answered and both smiled.

... ... ...

When Rachel returned to her apartment that night, she could not wipe the smile off her face. She was happy, she felt elated. For the first time since her accident, she was actually content, the little incident with the piano aside. She was glad she had roused the courage to meet Kurt, she was glad about the dinner with Quinn the other night and she was happy that Quinn was coming over for breakfast in the morning. It felt so good to have widened that little hatch in her walls.

She still felt the effect of the wine and remembered faintly that someone had once said alcohol was liquid courage. Well, she had been courageous the past five days without it and was beyond proud of herself. Nevertheless, the wine seemed to have a sleeping effect on the rational, negative voice in her head that always had something to say. She sat at her computer and drafted a message for Quinn. She was not drunk, just a bit tipsy, but that seemed enough to enhance her courage a tad bit more.

Rachel still felt like flying, without security and a net to catch her. The evening with Kurt seemed to give her another upwind under her wings. And that night she was at a point where she decided not think about falling, but about looking forward.

Before she censured her own thoughts and actions, she let her fingers wander over the keyboard, watching the words appear in front of her.

Rachel was not sure how Quinn would react to her words. But she had decided she needed to come clear and lay everything in the open before they both ran too deep into a direction that neither of them wanted or could deal with. Turning back at such a point would hurt much more than now.

She had to take the risk.

... ... ...

Quinn tiredly leaned against the door of her apartment after her show. She had not slept much the night before, her mind always wandering back to the feeling of Rachel's lips against hers. However wrong it might have been at that moment, Quinn still cherished the small kiss she had stolen from her friend. Unsure about the repercussions, she felt a bit uneasy thinking about breakfast the next day. She wanted to see Rachel again so much, but she would not be able to endure it if that foolish action of hers had caused a break in their newfound friendship, now that Rachel had had time to let it sink and think about it.

Also, Quinn was afraid that Rachel still doubted the sincerity of her feelings. And that she might think her disability would lessen Quinn's view of her. Granted, it made things more difficult in terms of communication, especially if it came to conveying their true feelings for each other. But the petite, brown-haired woman had held her heart in her hands for the past years. And Quinn would never want to have it back. It belonged to Rachel. It was hers.

Quinn would stay true to her vow to stick to Rachel's side, even if she decided that she only wanted a relationship solely based on friendship. It would tear Quinn apart, but for Rachel, she would stay strong and learn to come to terms with it. Somehow. This would be Quinn's handicap and she would learn to live with it as much as Rachel learned to live with hers.

Quinn dropped her handbag on the couch next to the door and took off her shoes. Rachel had given her the address already the evening before, so at least now she knew where her friend lived and how to get there. Before going to bed, she wanted to check her e-mail to make sure that Rachel had not called off their Sunday breakfast. That was a fear Quinn could not rid herself off.

When she actually noted that Rachel had sent her a message just mere minutes ago, she prayed that it was something positive. She began reading.

_Dear Quinn,_

_You would not believe it, but I just came back from my old-old apartment where I spent a wonderful evening with Kurt. It was so great seeing him again after almost half a year._

_Anyway, I'll tell you the details tomorrow._

_Actually, I'm writing to you because I have a request. It might sound trivial, but it means a lot to me. As confused as I still am about what had happened these past days and as hard as it still is coming to terms with everything, I need us to come clear. _

_About us. About our feelings. About our hopes and expectations. _

_I would be lying if I said that meeting you and having you back in my life would leave me touches me more than I would like to admit but I have to. Because I cannot go down that road if you tell me half way that this isn't the direction you want to head in. _

_I know that we cannot look into the future and that we can't plan everything. We will have to take everything step by step, if we choose to. _

_You mean a lot to me, Quinn. More than I ever thought would be possible. You always have. All those years of not seeing you, I felt incomplete. Something was always missing. I thought it would fill me up if I had the perfect engagement, but even then I noticed that it was not what I did for a living, it was not singing and performing, but it was you who made me whole. And as hard as it is for me being deaf, I feel that _you_ managed to give me back some of my life. That is the most precious gift someone can receive. I would always choose you over my voice, Quinn, if I had to. _

_Let's face it, if you had still seen me healthy and happy performing on stage, I might still be waiting for you to ever contact me again. Our paths might not have crossed had I not been on my way to the community center in that part of town where I moved to after my accident._

_And if that was the price I had to pay to see you again, I can learn to live with it._

_I know that these words carry a heavy responsibility. And I understand that responsibility can only be taken voluntarily. I do not want you to feel burdened with my handicap and me. I appreciate all you have done so far. I do not know if I would be able to act so wisely, thoughtful, kind and generous with you had the situation been reversed. _

_If we both decide we want each other in our respective lives, I need to know where you stand. And I need you to be completely honest with me. No beating around the bush and no sugarcoating. If you want out, then I ask you to back out now. Without regrets or guilt. I mean it. You have managed to make me open up to the world again. At least I've started to. If you should decide that this is all getting too much for you, I don't want you to feel responsible for me or have any false liabilities towards me. _

_Talk to me and be honest with me. I can deal with that. But not with false hopes and silence. _

_Rachel_

Quinn was stunned by the words Rachel had directed at her. She had to read the message another time to grasp the depth it conveyed. Asking for Quinn's honesty, Rachel had displayed brutal honesty herself. She had laid her finger on the wound.

Quinn also had no idea where they were heading. The only thing she knew was that over the past few days she never wanted and did not want to back out now. As much as she meant for Rachel, Rachel meant for her.

They were each other's life. Simple as that.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

Rachel could not sleep. Her mind reeled. Had she been too harsh in her e-mail to Quinn? Should she just have waited? No. She had to say this and it was the right time. She only hoped that Quinn would take her up on her request and actually give her an honest answer.

Rachel sat on the windowsill and looked across the street. The glass of the window felt cool against the skin of her face. There was not much traffic but concentrating on the passing cars would at least keep her mind from analyzing more.

Suddenly a flashing light in the reflection of the window caught her attention. She turned around and saw the signal above the entrance flicker. Who would want something from her and at that hour? It was past midnight. Probably just a prank. But the light did not stop. She activated the small camera her dads had installed so she could see who was outside.

"Quinn?" She exclaimed with an incredulous look on her face as she saw who was standing in front of the door she just opened.

"What on earth are you doing here?" Despite her astonishment Rachel still managed to step back and open the door wider as an invitation for Quinn to enter.

Quinn hesitantly stepped inside, her eyes never leaving Rachel's face. The smaller woman gave a little shove at the door and it fell close. She felt her breath coming out in short gasps. God, this blond, gorgeous woman in front of her made her completely forget her surroundings. Everything disappeared except for that caring face in front of her. With those beautiful hazel eyes, that beautiful smile, bestowing all attention on her, Rachel.

She noticed a small trace of perfume wafting over from Quinn, her senses overflowing with electricity. Quinn seemed to feel the same as Rachel noted her chest rise and fall quicker with every breath. She needed to break the spell, before something happened.

Instead, she found herself taking a small step towards Quinn and before she could react, the blonde woman had her arms around Rachel's waist, gently pulling her closer. Rachel lifted her head and let a small moan escape her lips. Before she knew it, she stood slightly on her toes, pressing her lips on Quinn's.

She felt Quinn lean into her, deepening their kiss. After an endless moment, Rachel leaned back and broke their connection. She felt flushed and saw color rise to Quinn's cheeks as well.

"Sorry, I don't know what just came over me." Rachel blushed even more. She looked away and took a step back. She had no idea what Quinn wanted to tell her and she made such a fool of herself just kissing her like that. What made her always do the exact opposite of what her reason told her to do when she was near Quinn?

Quinn had to get her bearings before she could react. She gulped down some breaths of air, before her brain seemed to function again. Then she noticed Rachel standing in front of her, her head hanging low. Immediately Quinn tapped Rachel's arm to get her attention.

_Please, don't feel sorry. That was one of the best welcomes I have ever had. Unless… you greet all your guests like that?_ She signed with a good-natured, teasing smile.

Rachel just shook her head and half-whispered with a crooked smile: "No." Then she looked up. "Sorry, you haven't even taken your coat off. Let me get that." She stepped behind Quinn, glad that she found an excuse to busy her hands. Rachel helped the former head cheerio shrug off the garment and hung it in the beautiful old honey colored armoire that stood next to the entrance.

"Would you like something to drink?" Playing the polite hostess, Rachel asked, too nervous to look at Quinn directly.

_Water, please. _Brown eyes rested on Quinn's elegant hands.

Quinn trailed the smaller woman into the kitchen area and looked around. The apartment was small, but cozy. It also had an open kitchen, just like hers. It had dark hardwood floors that were highlighted with some colorful rugs. However, Quinn did not see any of the typical Broadway show or musical posters that used to adorn Rachel's old apartment. As comfortable and tasteful as it was decorated, the apartment was bare of any reference to music. Instead, she noticed a large bookshelf, almost overflowing with crime stories and books from stand-up comedians. A very large collection of DVDs sat next to it.

Coming full circle her eyes wandered back to the woman opposite her, who had watched her intently with her incredibly beautiful mahogany brown eyes. Quinn tried to soak up every detail of the apartment she could get; using the information to help her depict more about Rachel.

Rachel pushed the full glass of water across the counter towards Quinn, staying behind it. Quinn was aware that the counter served as a barrier and in that moment, it was ok. She needed to have a clear mind for the things she had to say. And that was not possible if she was too close to Rachel. She would not be able to control herself. Not her hands, not her lips, not her thoughts.

"Quinn, what brings you here? It's past midnight." Rachel had spread her arms slightly, holding on to the rim of the countertop for support. Quinn stared at her for a moment thinking how lovely she looked in that simple checkered red blouse and jeans, similar to the one she had worn when they had performed _SING, _by_ My Chemical Romance _with the Glee Club all those years ago. Her long and shiny hair cascaded loosely down her back.

_Your e-mail. _Quinn finally managed to answer with her hands.

Rachel just nodded, a strand of brown hair slipping past her shoulder, falling across her chest. Quinn had to resist the urge to reach out and brush it back. Instead Rachel mirrored her thoughts and reach out to tuck the offending strand back in its place herself. Quinn was captured by this small gesture beyond rational sense. What the hell was going on? What had turned her into this cheesy movie character that seemed to watch everything in slow motion, captivated by the smallest gesture of the one person standing in front of her? Being so caught up and so fucking in love with this woman that everything else faded away when she was near her?

Rachel's voice broke through her musings. A touch at the blonde's arm made her jump.

"Quinn, are you ok?" Rachel had moved around the worktop and stood next to Quinn with a worried look on her face, fingers still resting lightly on her arm. Involuntarily Quinn took two steps back to get some distance between herself and the woman who had mesmerized her completely. Who had absolute control over her now.

Her action caused a hurt look to appear on Rachel's face.

"Sorry, I… I did not want to… scare you or make you uncomfortable." Rachel felt fear rise inside her. That small retreat from Quinn had sent a spear through her heart.

Quinn was literally backing off, turning away from her. Something she had feared all along.

Somehow, this action weighted more than the kiss they had shared just moments before. It made Rachel disregard all the feelings that had swept through her while kissing Quinn, all the feelings she thought she received from the other woman through that kiss.

Rachel closed her eyes, feeling a tear slip down her cheek. That was exactly what she had been dreading. God, why had she kissed Quinn? Why did she not just keep a hold on her dignity instead of melting away at the first look into those hauntingly familiar eyes? This had to end. Somehow, she needed to get back to that place where she had everything under control, her feelings locked away again. She would be in constant fear of Quinn leaving her, even if she did not want anything more than to follow her own heart. However, that was exactly what caused her all that trouble she was in now.

"Please, say what you have to say and then get out, Quinn. I … don't think I can do this."

Quinn's heart pounded loudly in her chest. What had just happened? What did she do that made Rachel react like that? Quinn was confused. God, how she wished that she could just _talk_ to Rachel, to make her _hear_ that she really meant what she had to say. She wanted Rachel to hear her say her name and to hear all the love she could lay into that name alone. The injustice of it all came crashing back at her.

Rachel still had her eyes closed and Quinn feared not being able to sign everything correctly. But she did not want to revert to writing everything down. Gingerly she took a step closer and very lightly brushed her hand against Rachel's left arm, trying not to startle her.

_Rachel,_ she signed, desperately trying to look into the brown eyes that found her own, and not at her hands struggling to form the correct signs.

_You asked for my complete honesty. _

Rachel nodded barely noticeable.

_I understand where you are coming from. I understand your doubts, fears, and uncertainties. How fast everything is happening between us. And that you must still doubt my sincerity and me for all that I have done._

She waited a moment for Rachel to comprehend and when she nodded again, Quinn continued.

_You asked me to back out if I could not go through with this, with us. Let me ask you one question before I go on.  
Do _you_ want me to back out? Do you want me to leave?I know I said I would never leave you again. But I respect you and your wishes.  
I respect you, Rachel. Even if it would tear me apart, if you tell me to leave, I will. _

_Do you want me to? _

With the last question, she reached out and touched Rachel's forearm to emphasize her words. With earnest eyes, she gazed at Rachel, praying that she would say 'no'.

Rachel looked up. She was set on making Quinn leave to save herself but then she drowned in the green pools that looked at her so lovingly. So full of love and fear. Fear of what she might say. Somehow, her body could not react. Rachel could not say the simple word 'yes'. It was as if her mind had forgotten how to send the right signal to her vocal chords. She felt her heart beat in her chest, a reminder of her inner conversation from that morning and the question _what do you have to lose?_ Her heart did not want Quinn to leave. Never.

So she let her heart speak and managed to shake her head slowly. But her mind needed to understand her actions.

_Why did you just back away from me when I touched you, Quinn? _

Rachel's hands flew through the air so fast that Quinn had a hard time understanding. A hurtful look accompanied the graceful hands forming the words.

Oh, how Quinn wished she could just hold Rachel and explain it to her. Instead, she had to keep a certain distance so she could see her hands. Slowly Quinn formed the answer.

_Rachel, I had to step away because having you so close makes me lose every bit of self-control I have. I feel so drawn to you and every time I see you, this feeling gets stronger. I did not step back because I wanted to leave you. I just needed to clear my head a little._

The brown eyes looked at her sincerely, so Quinn continued.

_Rachel, I do not want to abandon you. I have loved you for so long and finally I can admit that to myself and also to you. Nothing is as important to me as you are, Rachel. I know I keep saying this, but I also mean it. Every word._

_You have my heart, Rachel. _

Quinn's hands were shaking a little with the last admission. But it seemed to have lifted the shadow a little that had been cast over Rachel's face.

Rachel stepped closer. She lovingly stroked her fingers across Quinn's cheek, resisting the urge to kiss her again, but instead searched in her eyes what lay behind the words. And Quinn, lingering in the soft touch, fought the urge to close her eyes. She did not want to shut Rachel out from this one important source of communication.

Rachel was grateful to be able to explore the meaning behind Quinn's words through her hazel orbs. After a long moment, seeing the love sparking in Quinn's eyes, reaching her deep inside with her gaze where mere words would not suffice, Rachel believed her. She let her heart win over her mind. One step at a time, right? Quinn had taken the last one.

Her turn to take the next.

"I…I would like to show you something." Rachel took a deep breath, collecting all her courage before saying the next words.

"You sent me these lyrics to a song some days ago. And I told you that I was not angry in the end. It was hard for me to be confronted with it, but I also told you that I was pretty good at torturing myself with the songs I still have in my head."

Quinn nodded solemnly.

"I do not know if the pain will ever get less or if the memories of music will fade one day or if I will ever be able to still the sounds in my mind. But for now, I've decided I should see it as a precious gift for as long as I can still remember. I should not push it away or try to drown it out. So I let the songs come to my mind. At least this way… I still have something that meant so much to me with me." Rachel took another deep breath.

"Then I remembered something. A song. And even if I would prefer to express this on my own, well, regarding the circumstance I need someone else to do it for me."

She quickly turned around and went to her laptop. Quinn heard her clicking a couple of times and then Rachel turned around again, with her hands holding on to the back of the chair behind her for support, anxiously watching Quinn's reaction.

Quinn did not dare to move as Christina Perri's voice filled the silence between them.

_I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart  
But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start_

_You put your arms around me  
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go  
You put your arms around me and I'm home_

_How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around  
I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown_

_I hope that you see right through my walls  
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling  
I'll never let a love get so close  
You put your arms around me and I'm home_

_The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved  
I never wanna leave you but I …need you ... if I'm alone_

_You put your arms around me  
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go_

_I hope that you see right through my walls  
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling  
I'll never let a love get so close  
You put your arms around me and I'm home_

_I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth  
And I've never opened up  
I've never truly loved  
'Till you put your arms around me  
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go_

_I hope that you see right through my walls  
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling  
I'll never let a love get so close  
You put your arms around me and I'm home_

_You put your arms around me and I'm home_

Rachel felt her heart beating up to her throat. What would Quinn think? How would she react? Her eyes never left Quinn's features. Halfway through the song Quinn pressed a hand on her mouth obviously trying to stifle a sob. She closed her eyes and some more tears spilled over her cheeks, glistening in the light.

When the song ended, she rushed towards Rachel, pressed her against her own taller frame in an embrace as if she was clinging to a life raft. Rachel felt Quinn say something, the sounds vibrating in her chest.

"Quinn, whatever you are saying, translate once we are done hugging, ok?" Rachel managed with a muffled voice and a little smile. "Just don't let go, for now." And she felt Quinn tighten her embrace even more.

After the longest time they gradually loosened their arms around each other, pulling back slightly, staring at each other, and roaming each other's faces with their eyes, soaking up every inch, committing it to memory. Then slowly Rachel closed her eyes and felt Quinn's breath tickle her skin just a second before she felt her lips again against hers. She felt Quinn's tongue against her mouth and slowly met it with hers, tenderly sharing a deep and passionate kiss.

A little breathless, they smiled at each other. Then they settled on the couch, very close, trying to touch as much of the other woman as possible.

Quinn lifted her hands.

_Do you think men also become so mushy about their feelings and cry so much? I feel like I have been crying more in the past days than I have in my whole life. _

She gave Rachel an apologetic smile.

"Hm." Rachel thought for a moment, remembering how Kurt had cried during her recount of the scene with Quinn at the Center. "Yes. I think some gay guys definitely! What made you cry so much?" Rachel wanted to know.

_Realizing how much you meant for me, Rachel, how much I need you in my life. And every time when something rings very true, when something touches my heart, it makes me cry. A sign that what I am feeling is genuine, that it comes from the purest and most honest place.  
_

"Yes. I know about the heart. It gave me an honest talk today as well." Rachel's lips curved up in a smile. "What were you saying when we were hugging just now?" She curiously looked at Quinn.

_I said that I love you. Well, actually I said 'God you don't know how much I love you'._

The blonde answered with her hands, her face radiating all the love she could transmit.

Rachel pointed at herself, then crossed her arms in front of her chest, then pointed back at Quinn. Following that gesture, she made a fist, but with thumb and pinky extended and moved her right hand quickly from right to left.

_I love you, too. _

Then she added after a moment of thoughtfulness:

_But I do not know how all of this will work out. You are a singer on Broadway, for god's sake. How can you deal with having a deaf girlfriend? Deaf as in not being able to hear you sing or admire your performance. And girlfriend as in woman loving woman, as in same sex relationship. Have you ever thought about that? I have to admit that it rocked me a little off my feet when I realized that. Being in love with a woman, I mean, _she clarified.

Rachel had to repeat several signs before Quinn understood what she wanted to express. Quinn pulled out a pad from her handbag, all that she had to say was a bit too complicated for her small base knowledge of ASL to explain herself appropriately.

Rachel watched Quinn lift the pen with a quizzical expression, wanting to know if it was ok for her. Quinn's consideration made it easy for Rachel to nod and she watched her take a deep breath before sharing her thoughts.

_Rachel, let us cross one bridge at a time. As for your last point, yes, I was stymied once I realized that I was in love with a woman. It was new for me and I had to come to terms with it. I never wanted to admit to that in high school, obviously. But when a friend at Yale pointed out that I was completely and head over heels in love with you, some big wheels started turning in my head. I had to get to know myself anew. Not as the classy pretty girl that one day would have a good looking husband and adorable kids. But rather a woman who fell in love with another woman. And whose love would not always be as easily accepted and looked upon, no matter how honest and strong it would be. _

_There will always be people who will want to shape us after their own image, because they have a certain picture in their minds how the world should work. And there might not be room for us loving each other, not in their world. _

_However, since I learned in high school how futile it was chasing after the perfect image if your heart was not in it, I just thought, why not stay true to myself and come to terms with this. It took me another couple of years and your accident to finally come fully to my senses, though. _

Quinn looked up from her writing and was again fascinated by the long, dark lashes that rimmed Rachel's beautiful, large eyes. It was hard tearing herself away from them and continued writing.

_But love is love and only society's conventions make it a good or bad thing. I do not want to live by what other people tell me to do, what they think is appropriate or fitting. Not anymore. _

She signed the last sentence for emphasis._ Fuck what other's think!_

"Quinn Fabray, where did you learn a sign like that!?" Rachel huffed in mock affront.

_Carmen has a large repertoire of swear words,_ Quinn admitted with a sheepish grin.

"Well, I am not sure _I_ need to learn them!"

_How did you know it, then?_

"Uh, Carmen forced them on me. I honestly did not ask for them! Apparently she deemed it necessary to have them in my ASL vocabulary."

Quinn laughed at that and Rachel just rolled her eyes. After a short pause she came back to the topic they were discussing before.

"You know, I have learned as well that the most important thing for yourself is to follow your heart. No matter what others think. You will never be able to make everybody happy. Eleanor Roosevelt once said 'Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.' I find this to be a very good observation and wise advice. Well … " She fiddled with the hem of her shirt. "…you have not answered the first part of my question," Rachel then stated quietly.

Just like the night before, Quinn continued pouring her heart out onto the paper in front of her, with Rachel leaning against her, reading the words that flowed out from under the pen.

_As to the point of you being unable to hear, yes, it was a shock to me when you told me. It felt like someone pulled the floor out right from under my feet. But I also felt that whatever had happened, at that moment I had to stay. Even though I had no idea how to communicate with you and I just prayed that I could somehow manage to make you understand. That we would manage to find a basis to connect.  
I am glad we did. And I believe that as long as we openly and honestly talk about this and the issues that come with it, we will manage. We will find a way to live with it. I honestly believe that love can overcome any hurdle. _

_You know, Rachel; everyone can get hurt from one moment to the other. It can happen to anyone. Believe me I know. _Quinn added with a knowing smile and Rachel knew what she was referring to_. _

_I can understand why you wanted to push every one away in the beginning. I did the same after my accident. The pity was the worst. No one wanted to see __me__. They only saw what I had been and what I had become. But the worst part was that I did it to myself. I pitied myself the most in the beginning. Then I realized there was more to me than that. I thought a lot about what you told me on various occasions over the years.  
And all along, through all the years you had such a graceful way of looking beyond my outer shell. You saw things in me that I never recognized. So why can't you grant me the same recognition for you? _

_Don't ever think or say that you are a liability again, please, never again!_

"But how do _you_ deal with it?" Rachel interrupted. "I mean, really, isn't it hard for you that you can't call me or talk to me in a normal way? Instead we have to …" she waved her hand towards the paper on Quinn's lap "… depend on writing and learning a new language and I still have the feeling it does not help to bring everything across as one can with his or her voice." Frustration rang in her voice, but Rachel was honestly curious about how Quinn felt about this.

Quinn carefully chose her words. She had promised honesty. But honesty could also hurt. So she tried as sensibly as possible to explain to Rachel what impact her deafness had on her.

_I sometimes wish I could touch you and talk to you at the same time. When I touch you, I would like to tell you what I feel. Tell you that feeling your skin sends sparks up my fingers and makes me absolutely lose my free will. That holding you in my arms is the best feeling I have ever had. That you fit right in there, and only you, no one else. That this is what my arms were made for, just to hold you.  
But I can't tell you this while holding you because I would have to withdraw my hands and sign all these words and with this I would have to break the physical contact with you.  
_

_You know, you might not be aware of this, but this is where you are at an advantage, Rachel. _

When she noticed the incredulous look on Rachel's face, Quinn hastened to explain.

_You can still speak and express your feelings through your voice, if you choose to. I cannot do that. I, your family, your friends, we all cannot do that anymore. We need to find other means to express ourselves so you can understand. In a way, you are shut out of our world. But we are also shut out of yours. And we need to find a door to walk through those walls. _

Rachel thought for a moment, contemplating that in a certain way it was not only her being compromised by her handicap, it also had more impact on other people than she had assumed.

"So my being deaf makes you mute, in a certain way."

Quinn nodded. _Yes, it does._

When the smaller woman had read these honest words, she turned her head away. Then she felt Quinn's tender hand turn her back to face her. Rachel closed her eyes, not willing to look at her friend, still digesting the observation that Quinn had relayed. There was a light tap on her hand. It was a small and tender request for her attention. Slowly she opened her lids and Quinn withdrew her hands to sign. And Rachel consciously felt what her friend had explained only minutes ago about the importance of touch. She felt robbed and immediately missed the contact when Quinn's fingers slid off her arm to speak to her.

_Rachel, don't go there._

"Go where?" She asked in a choked voice.

_To that dark place where all the doubts, insecurities and resentment lies. Don't go there. _

Quinn took the pen again and placed her other hand on Rachel's thigh. They both desperately needed this physical connection. Rachel closed both hands over Quinn's fingers.

_The only thing I am trying to say is that your accident also has an impact on the people around you who love you. They also need to come to terms with it. It is a "new" situation for all of us and we all need to search for ways to deal with it. Some can do it easier, but for some it will be more difficult.  
As for me, I might make mistakes, but as long as we are open and honest about everything, even the hurtful things, then I think we have a chance. I need to know what you want or need me to do. And if I am being inconsiderate, please tell me.  
_

_I know we are still groping our way through these new ways of communication but we are on a good way. Look how far we have come these past days. _

_You deafness doesn't define who you are. This is only a part of you. Don't make yourself smaller than you are. And don't define yourself just by this one aspect. You are so much more!_

Quinn's gaze never left Rachel's and she laid all her love and tenderness into it.

_And I am very proud of you and happy and relieved – god, I am crying again, _Quinn laughed a bit embarrassed, wiping some tears away with the back of her hand. _… I am relieved that you gracefully let me pick my way into your world. That you did not push me away, that you were so patient with me, that you let me stumble - sending you that song text for example - and that you lent me a hand to help me up again. _

It took a while for Rachel to digest the words; to pull herself out of her darkening mood that Quinn's earlier words had caused. As hurtful as they were, they made her understand Quinn better. She understood that this was the only way this relationship could work. They needed to communicate on this honest level. Pushing topics away would only cause a rift between them, even though it might seem easier at a certain point. Now that she could comprehend the restriction her deafness caused for Quinn, she could also see how she herself could help find ways to deal with them.

"Well, you also picked me up, Quinn. You reached out and held me up, literally. You held me in that hallway, because I would have broken down. And you literally helped me out of my pit in which I sat like a caged animal, not knowing how to escape. I was actually quite impressed with how you managed to walk up to me, being confronted with what happened and still not shy away. And you are right. We have to be open to each other and truthful. " She added with a smile. "Sooooooo, where does that leave us now?"

_I think that leaves us at the greatest place we could be. It leaves us at the point where we have both confessed that we love each other. After a record breaking short time of six days, _Quinn drabbled on the paper.

_Six days and four years, _Rachel added with her hands.

_Six days, four years plus five more, if you count the three high school years and the first two college years. _

"Wow." Rachel was impressed. "That makes a total of nine years!? No way!"

She slowly moved her head from side to side, her gaze glued to Quinn's eyes.

"If we were in a TV series, fans would have abandoned us already after two years if the writers did not script us to become an item then. And we managed to dance around each other for nine fucking years in real life?"

Now it was Quinn who looked a bit stunned about Rachel's choice of words. She quirked an eyebrow at Rachel before she continued.

_I heard the f-word, Rachel Berry. Nevertheless, you are right. We set up a record. But not in terms of short time, but rather like never-ending-story-long-time_.

This triggered a snort from the petite woman, causing Quinn to playfully tuck her hair. Then she placed the palm of her hand softly against Rachel's cheek, tenderly stroking the velvety skin with her thumb, steering them away again from the bantering.

_I want to live by what makes us happy. I want _us_ to be happy, I want to experience real love. And that I feel I can experience with you. _

"So you want us to be official girlfriends? As in dating and kissing and holding hands and all the other stuff that comes with it?" Quinn thought she heard a slight teasing note in Rachel's voice. She nodded.

_That is what I would like us to be. Especially looking forward to the other stuff, _Quinn laughed. _After nine years, come on! We do not have more time to waste!_

"You think? Hm, yeah. You are right. Let us give it a try and see how we both feel about…us dating. We have been going at this - or well, rather not going at this for almost a decade. God, that makes me feel old!"

Rachel laughed and kissed Quinn who was grinning like crazy which made their first official girlfriend-lover-kiss a bit awkward until they both started giggling and fell sideways on the couch. That pinned Quinn under Rachel and the former diva did not let one second go to waste to use that as her advantage. She straddled Quinn, bent forward, and placed her hands next to Quinn's head, slowly bending down until her lips almost touched Quinn's. Only to quickly move back up again a little as Quinn's head moved to meet her.

Quinn sank back with a groan. Then she reached up and placed a hand behind Rachel's neck.

"Don't make me beg!" And she pulled a chuckling Rachel down again, sharing a slow and tender kiss.

* * *

**You know, since writing this story I am so much more attuned to sounds and how much we (often unconsciously) absorb though our hearing.  
**

**And I also noticed more how you really can **_**feel**_** sound. I had a really impactful experience last Saturday. It is the high season for carnival in our region and a lot of marching bands walk through the city on numerous occasions. It was market day and I heard them approaching from somewhere behind me. They were still quite far away, hidden by several market stands and trucks. However, the most striking thing was that even though I was wrapped up in really thick winter clothes and there were still so many obstacles between them and me, I still felt the drum beat pulsing though my hands, my feet and my chest so strongly! **

**It is just amazing what sound waves are capable of.**


	16. Chapter 16

**Again and again… I do not own Glee or its characters.**

**This chapter is rated M, just in case.**

**Nicole, thank you for beta reading now 16 chapters, which equals round about 100 Word pages. You did a mammoth job here!**

**JPElles: Thank you for the information on sound waves, I'll dig into this a bit further! And thanks for your continuous feedback!**

**Gllover22, Volerian, RVNola546, RVFlorida, brianasmith: I am so grateful that you also repeatedly take the time to give me your feedback on what you like, you are great! **

**If I have forgotten to mention anyone else, please forgive me. I soak up every single one of your reviews, you are wonderful!**

* * *

**Chapter 16**

Quinn stayed on Rachel's couch after falling asleep in Rachel's arms, too tired to drive back to her apartment. They cuddled together after Rachel noticed how exhausted Quinn was from her long day. She knew that the evening performances could be quite draining, especially if the audience was fully immersed into the show. That pushed any actor and singer to further heights. When the adrenaline ebbed away afterwards, it sometimes left one completely worn-out and Rachel had often only wished for her bed as soon as the make-up came off her face.

As much as she wanted to keep on kissing Quinn and exploring her body with her hands, she did want her girlfriend to get some well-deserved rest. Even though Quinn protested in the beginning, she quickly succumbed to the soothing strokes of Rachel's warm hand on her back and started purring like a cat when she felt her other hand gently massaging her scalp. Just as Rachel expected, it did not take long until she felt Quinn's body relax as sleep took over. She debated with herself to wake her up again and suggest getting into her bed or at least offer her a T-shirt to sleep in. But she did not have the heart to wake her again.

So she just felt content to hold Quinn, slowly tracing the lines of her face with a soft finger, following the contour of her jaw, up to her full lips, red from all the kissing, over her cheekbones to the gracefully arched eyebrows. Quinn's breath breeze lightly over the skin of her hand as she continued to tenderly let her fingers dance across the velvety skin of the beautiful face in front of her.

Rachel had a hard time containing all these feelings of happiness, love, joy, amazement, and wonder that raced through her. Why, so often in life, something dramatic had to happen before you realized what was really important? She pushed the question aside and snuggled closer to Quinn and let sleep take over. Not the exhausted kind of sleep, not the kind of sleep she used as an escape from reality. Right now, she began to like her reality. It was a content kind of sleep, the kind of sleep where you drift off with a smile and wake up with one on your face.

Sometime during the night, Rachel's arm had fallen asleep and when she moved it woke her up with a thousand needles pricking her skin. Carefully she disentangled her limbs from the sleeping woman next to her. With a smile, she placed a tender kiss on her head, slowly got up and lovingly placed a blanket over Quinn. The couch was comfortable, but a bit too small for two people to sleep on it without at least one of them getting the cramps. Rachel left Quinn heavy heartedly and crawled into her bed, feeling a bit guilty to have abandoned her girlfriend on the couch. Well, maybe she could make it up to her with a very nice breakfast.

…..

The next morning Quinn woke up to unfamiliar noises. When she slowly opened her eyes, it took her a second to remember where she was. Then she caught a movement in the kitchen and watched Rachel carefully taking out two plates and cups from the cupboard, placing them slowly on the counter, making a cute face of concentration while trying to put them down without any noise. Quinn watched her move around the kitchen from under her lashes, finding it very endearing how Rachel was trying to not wake her up.

Quinn closed her eyes again and just listened to Rachel move around. The smell of fresh coffee drifted over and tickled her nose. Then she heard bare feet pad across the floor towards her. A rustling of clothes next to her told her that Rachel sat down on the couch table, facing her.

"Hey, sleepyhead!"

When she did not stir, Rachel bent down and whispered in Quinn's ear: "I know you are awake. I saw you watching me earlier on." And with that she nipped at Quinn's earlobe before sitting up again. She had placed a hand lightly on the other woman's chest so the little moan her bold action had caused did not escape her.

"Hmmmm, good morning." Quinn mumbled after inhaling the coffee aroma and that of her girlfriend's shampoo. She stretched her arms over her head and let out a content sigh. Then she opened her eyes and found Rachel smiling at her. She grabbed the tanned arm that was still on her chest, turned it slightly, and pointedly looked at Rachel's bare wrist.

"It's 8.30. So you actually still have one and a half hours before our official breakfast date." Rachel's white teeth flashed as she grinned at her.

_Good. That gives me 90 minutes of kissing and weighing you._

"_Weighing_ me, Quinn? Am I too heavy for you already?" The arched eyebrow and the challenging look caused Quinn to gaze at her own hands, wondering how they came up with such an unfitting word.

_Sorry. Wrong sign. Not awake yet. _

Quinn searched for the correct sign for 'hold'. Somehow, her brain cells were not on alert yet.

Rachel's chuckle eased her worries a bit. "Here, have some coffee first, then a kiss and then you can also get your hands sorted."

When Quinn had propped herself up on her elbows, Rachel offered her a coffee mug with a NYADA logo imprinted on the front. Gratefully the blond woman reached out and took the cup, taking a tentative sip. Perfect. Now the day could officially begin. Well, just one little thing to do before that. She sat up, placed the cup on the table, and pulled Rachel close, planting a very sweet, coffee tasting kiss on her full lips.

"Hmmmm, good," Rachel smiled against Quinn's lips and kissed her right back.

Before starting to eat their breakfast, Quinn asked if she could quickly freshen up first, since she had slept in her clothes from the day before. She felt a bit embarrassed about that. Not the best way to start a day and impress her new girlfriend with her day old make-up which was probably smeared across her face, and wearing rumpled clothes that once looked pretty on her when they came nicely ironed out of her closet. Quinn tried to smooth some of the wrinkles out of her skirt and then tucked a strand of blond hair behind her ear, noticing a slightly amused Rachel observing her futile efforts.

"I have already laid out some towels and clothes that I think might fit you. And a tooth brush. I still had one in reserve."

_That a hint, Miss Berry?_

"No, just loving and tender care, Miss Fabray. C'mon, get going, so we can have breakfast. I'm…" Rachel had a slightly surprised look on her face. "I am actually hungry," she then stated as if that was something completely new to her.

_You said I still have one and a half hours,_ Quinn pouted.

"Yes I did. But that was before you wanted to weigh me -" she smirked at that "- and since you are already standing, just move. Oh and by the way, _you_ –" and she pointed at her for emphasize "- were laying on top of me, most of the night. So if someone were aloud to speak about weight, it should be me!" She mocked good-naturedly.

Quinn just threw her a disgruntled look, but could not hide her good mood behind it. Laughing she stole a quick kiss from Rachel and ambled over to the bathroom.

Rachel absolutely loved the light banter between them, even though every sentence was still an effort for Quinn to sign, but she did not let herself be deterred from it. These little teasers going back and forth gave Rachel the possibility to scratch on the surface of normality.

Temptation was tapping on her shoulder, urging her to follow Quinn into the shower. Or at least to sneak in and peek at her naked girlfriend. With superhuman efforts, she turned back to the kitchen and busied herself with preparing the rest of the breakfast.

When she was squeezing oranges for fresh juice, she suddenly felt two arms sneak around her from behind and she involuntarily let out a yelp, spinning around.

"Don't do that, please. Don't sneak up on me like that. That scared the hell out of me, Quinn," She exclaimed, one hand on her heart.

Rachel tried to not sound angry or irritated, even though the jolt had almost given her a cardiac arrest. Taking two deep breaths to calm her galloping heart, she looked at Quinn who already had a stricken expression on her face.

_I am truly sorry I startled you like that._ _I thought you saw me coming. I … I guess I should have made myself known before hugging you. God, I am really sorry, Rachel._

Quinn did not know why she had not considered this a tiny bit earlier before scaring the bejesus out of her girlfriend.

"It's ok." Then the corners of Rachel's mouth lifted slowly after she had gotten over the initial shock. "But you can leave your arms where they were," and she wiggled closer to Quinn, snuggling into her embrace once more, hoping that little incident would be forgotten and not leave the blond woman feeling self-conscious about it.

Rachel inhaled the scent of her own shampoo that still lingered in Quinn's hair.

"You look cute in my sweat pants. I am glad the sweater fits as well."

Quinn could not resist. _Well, at least it does not have reindeers printed on it._

"Huh, that was a loooong time ago. I have already renounced animal sweaters 6 years ago." Rachel answered indignantly.

Then both burst out laughing, imagining Rachel on stage with one of her favorite high school garments. The key word 'high school' moved the topic to Kurt.

They settled down at the kitchen counter to enjoy their breakfast. Rachel told Quinn about her Saturday evening with Kurt and about his and Blaine's marriage plans. However, she carefully omitted her brush with the piano, not feeling ready to touch upon this again. Not because of Quinn, but because she herself was not ready to think about it yet.

_I am so happy for Kurt and Blaine! I bet Kurt has already planned everything down to the last detail!_

"Well, pretty close," Rachel admitted laughing.

Quinn was happy that Rachel had ventured out and had met her old school friend.

"Oh, and you know what? It is really incredible, but he also learned ASL. All this time that I did not want to have any contact, he still took lessons. In case, I would come around and wanted to meet him again. He wanted to be ready and able to communicate with me." Rachel's eyes were wide in wonder relaying this information to Quinn..

_That is so sweet of him! I am really, really happy, Rachel, that you have rekindled your friendship. Kurt truly is a very good friend. _

"Yes, he is. And I am very grateful to have him also back in my life. Just like you," she added with a shy smile and placed a hand on Quinn's knee.

_Did you tell him about us?_

"Yes. That was actually the first thing I told him. I… I hope that is ok. I just… needed someone to talk to about everything that had happened and …"

She felt Quinn's hand on her arm.

_It's ok, Rachel. I understand. I have to admit I also talked to a friend about us. Her name is Jenna and I have known her since my second year in Yale. She sort of was the first one to push my nose right at the fact that I was in love with you. _Quinn smiled sheepishly.

"Aha, Jenna seems to be a very smart woman!"

_Yes, that she is, and very observant. You know, I miss Kurt in a way. I would really like to meet him again one day. _

She wasn't pressing on the date, knowing it was Rachel's call to reinforce her friendship with him first, especially under the current circumstances. Rachel needed friends. She needed to get out of her isolation and again, Quinn was so glad that her girlfriend managed to do just that. Her thoughts wandered back to last night.

Sharing a moment of silence, Rachel studied Quinn's face attentively.

The blond actress placed her toast back on the plate. Then she turned her palms up, with a quizzical expression._ What?_

"Don't know. I have a feeling there is something on your mind."

True. There were still so many questions burning in Quinn's mind and she wondered, if it was the right time to ask them. Since Rachel had already thrown the ball into her court, she came forward.

_Rachel, I would like to ask some questions. You don't have to answer them, if you don't want to. There are a couple of things I keep wondering about after our conversation last night._

The brown eyes with incredulous long, black lashes locked with hers. Then Rachel gracefully inclined her head.

"Okaaay," she drew out the word, guessing in which direction this conversation would head. "What would you like to know?"

Quinn found the courage to ask:

_You still have music on your computer?_

Rachel nodded twice very slowly. Even though this was not really a question and the answer was obvious after playing that song the night before, she knew the actual intention behind the question.

Rachel tilted her head to one side and let her gaze roam across the room before settling on Quinn's features.

"It's like with New York. I could not bring myself to delete the music just as much as I couldn't leave the city. I have packed everything else, my stereo, my CD's and my sheet music into boxes and I shoved them with my dads out of the front door. But when I sat in front of my laptop… I just couldn't click on 'delete'. Like how I could not delete the music inside of me. I guess…. I guess I still like to believe… " Her voice trailed off.

Rachel's answer brought up another question. Quinn was still moved by the words that had burned into her mind the night before.

_And you really would have traded your voice for me if you had to?_

_Yes. I guess, in a way I have. _

Rachel answered signing with a slight smile, instinctively knowing that this was not the end of the question and answer session initiated by Quinn. She would patiently try to answer all the questions she had, if it helped to strengthen their understanding and trust of and for each other. She felt Quinn place a warm hand on her cheek, before the next question was formed into the air by her girlfriend's graceful hands.

_How was it when you woke up and noticed that you could not hear anymore? _

Rachel was quiet for a moment, collecting her thoughts.

"You know, when I woke up, I still heard something. I mean nothing that came from … the outside. There were just all these noises in my head, so loud, it drove me crazy. I could not hear what was going on around me, but there was this ringing and humming that would not stop, no matter what I did."

It was visibly very distressing for Rachel to conjure up these memories and Quinn regretted ever asking that question. However, she immensely appreciated that Rachel trusted her enough to take the pains and share her experience.

"I started screaming at one point because I could not take it anymore, somehow illogically hoping that hearing my own screams would at least drown out the cacophony inside. All that was left of my life was this constant and maddening uproar in my head. For a long time I could not sleep, the noise would keep me awake. And due to vertigo I could not get out of bed much. It was really bad in the beginning, I felt like a prisoner in my own body. And as soon as I closed my eyes I was completely isolated. There was nothing left to tie me to my surroundings. Every time I closed my eyes, the world was gone. No other means of connecting. That was really scaring me. Still is. I feel vulnerable at night. On one hand sleep was bliss, because I could forget. But on the other hand, it is frightening to know that I have no means of knowing what goes on around me once I close my eyes or fall asleep. Most times I sleep with the lights on. Just so when I wake up I can immediately take in my surroundings."

Quinn linked her fingers with one of Rachel's hands and pressed a kiss to the back of it, providing a much needed bond, thus silently acknowledging that she understood. She did not want to let go of Rachel's hand, so she used the pad that lay on the counter surface and scribbled her next question down. With just one free hand, the paper kept moving and Rachel reached out to steady it for her. Her eyes skipped over the words that were rolling out from under the pen.

_Do you still hear the noises? How did you cope then? Was there anything the doctors could do about it?_

Rachel shook her head. "No. The problem was that all these noises are amplified by the brain. A sort of overreaction to the missing outside stimulation. There is nothing the doctors could do about it. They gave me sedatives so that I could at least try to get some rest at night, I was so exhausted, and there was still the pain from my other head injuries. They told me the sounds would get less over time, or that at least I would somehow get used to them." She shrugged. "Whatever."

Rachel paused for a moment.

"I don't know how many times I had prayed for the roar in my head to stop, I did not understand why I would have to endure such horrible _racket_ in my head when I could not hear. It almost drove me crazy combined with the exhaustion, the vertigo, the pain. Sometimes I would slowly rock myself back and forth, repeating over and over 'please make it stop, please make it stop'. When finally everything went silent in my head, it felt like bliss. I woke up one morning and the noises were gone. I hoped this would maybe mean I could then hear more of what was going on around me. But that wasn't the case. Everything else stayed silent."

Quinn rose from her chair, hugged Rachel gently, and placed a kiss on her temple._ You still had to heal then, and even now, your body needs more time to repair itself after your last operation. I know it is easy for me to say. I only have a small taste of what it must be like for you._

Rachel threw her a soft smile

"You know, " she continued with a small voice, " I feel so cut off from the world. As soon as there are two people in the room with me, I am lost. I don't know what they are saying and I don't want to ask them to explain all the time. And you have noticed yourself, writing or signing somehow can only transmit half of the emotions that a voice can carry. This is the worst; I am cut off from the emotions. Cut off from people. Expressing myself through singing and music, yes, that was one part. But there is still so much more going on beyond the spoken words, I never realized that this gives you more knowledge about what is being said than the actual content of the words."

She fiddled with the handle of her coffee cup and out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Quinn nod.

Quinn did not dare interrupt; it warmed her heart that Rachel shared so much insight with her even though it clearly was not easy to talk about these experiences and what impact they had on her daily life. She had the feeling that Rachel had not told anyone these things before and it touched her very deeply inside her heart that she seemed to trust Quinn enough to share them with her.

_How is it for you when you are outside?_

"The orientation is more difficult. I did not notice how much we subconsciously rely on our hearing to orient us. To hear someone approaching, to judge distances of moving objects. I have troubles judging how fast a car is coming at me when I want to cross the street, because apparently I also judged its speed by the changing of the sound as it came nearer. People moving around me on the street, suddenly they just materialize at my side or in front of me and I have no way of anticipating their appearance. It is so exhausting. This is why I chose to stay by myself. Being around people when you are deaf can be very draining and confusing. This was why I did not want to stay in contact with anyone. But I did not count on how tenacious my friends could be to find ways to talk to me," she added with a small smile.

A guilty look appeared on Quinn's face, her thoughts still lingering on what Rachel had just told her about not being able to judge from where people approached her.

_I am really sorry about this morning. I just did not think._

"Quinn, stop feeling bad about this, we are entitled to make mistakes. As long as we explain why something might hurt us, we can learn from them."

_Ok. I will try. _After a second she added:_ You know, I am glad we gave each other a chance, Rachel. Otherwise, we would have missed all this._

"What 'this'?" Rachel asked, innocently beating her eyelashes.

"This!" And Quinn leaned forward, gently placing her right hand over Rachel's heart and kissing her soft lips, very slowly, very tenderly, almost not touching, making it so much more exciting. She heard Rachel's breath coming in short gasps and her pulse quickened. Again their lips barely connected, both women getting more and more aroused by their slow teasing game.

Every time their lips connected, one of the women would draw back a little, inviting the other to follow her, only to reverse the game. At one point Rachel nipped again at Quinn's earlobe, ever so softly, hardly touching, letting her breath tickle the tiny, soft hairs on Quinn's creamy skin. She felt Quinn tense under her hands, which encouraged her to continue. Softly she placed a kiss on the spot behind her left jaw, just below her ear. Rachel felt Quinn shudder under her tender touch. She trailed her kisses down her long, elegant neck, pulling a bit on the sweater until it revealed a delicate collarbone, which she used as a basis for another shower of gentle caresses with her lips.

She slowly worked her way back up, meeting again with Quinn's mouth who eagerly claimed her. She felt the other woman's tongue probe her lips and she conceded to her request.

Quinn could not help it, but when Rachel's lips trailed down her skin, she could not hold back the little moans and whimpers the soft touches caused to escape from her lips. Rachel's breath tickled her skin and raised the little hairs on her arms, sending a shower down her spine.

She had to hold back to not claim the petite woman right then and there. On one hand, their relationship was still so fresh, so tender and fragile, on the other, finally releasing all those feelings after nine years made it hard to suppress her arousal.

Quinn felt Rachel press her body against hers and she slid off the bar stool, grabbing her girlfriend's legs. Rachel moved in sync and jumped up a little, wrapping her legs around the former cheerleader's waist, linking her arms behind her neck.

Slowly Quinn maneuvered towards the couch when Rachel's breathless voice reached her ear, barely audible over pulse pounding in them.

"Un uh, too uncomfortable. Bed." Was all she managed before nipping at the blond woman's lower lip.

Quinn turned and effortlessly carried Rachel down the small hallway into the other room where both women collapsed breathlessly on the bed. Rachel's shiny locks spread out under her head. Quinn leaned over her, much as Rachel had done the evening before and in Quinn's eyes, she was the most beautiful woman she had ever seen. The color of her eyes revealed a warm tone as she looked at Rachel and Quinn was mesmerized by the numerous shades of brown her eyes could take on. She was so lost in her observation that she did not hear Rachel address her.

Only when Rachel shook her slightly by the shoulder, Quinn's attention zoomed back. She blinked and then smiled.

"Where were you just now?"

_Lost in your eyes,_ Quinn intended to sign with one hand while balancing on the other, trying not to fall on the smaller woman underneath her.

Rachel laughed. "What's with my eyes? Never mind." And she gently pulled her down until she lay on top of her. Quinn tried to position her hands so she could repeat her answer, but Rachel interrupted her.

"It's ok, Quinn," she stated gently and moved her own hands under Quinn's sweater. Her hands explored the soft skin and the well-toned muscles of her back along the spine. Years of cheerleading practice and dancing had helped shape Quinn's body to perfection. At least that was what Rachel thought. Slowly her fingers crept down her sides, trailing over the soft swelling of her lover's breast, which protruded slightly from under her causing Quinn to let out an involuntary groan. Rachel felt the heat shoot between her legs and she wrapped one leg around Quinn who started grinding her lower body against Rachel's.

Both began moving in a rhythm, panting and kissing. Rachel felt Quinn's hand sneak under her shirt, swirling a finger around the nipple of her right breast, which instantly reacted against the touch. Again, a rush of heat surged through her stomach down to her most sensible part.

Rachel was amazed how touching Quinn and how being touched by her caused her body to overload. She had never felt such desire and deep love before. With none of her lovers. Something had always been missing, something to push her over the edge to get completely lost in this exploration of bodies, evoking a longing that it almost hurt.

Rachel tugged at Quinn's sweater, signaling her to take it off, and Quinn obediently obliged. The sweater landed in a heap on the floor, with sweatpants that followed. Not long after, Rachel's shirt joined the company. Rachel's jeans had to stay by itself as it unfortunately landed on the other side of the bed, leaving both women solely clad in their underwear which was discarded just as quickly.

Rachel let her eyes roam over Quinn's slender, but athletic body, her hands following the trail of her eyes. She could not cover enough skin at once and started using her lips as well to discover the perfect body in front of her, feeling, tasting and wanting.

Quinn wound herself under Rachel's touch, trying to control the shivers her caresses caused from racing down her spine. She failed. The more Rachel touched her, the stronger the desire burned. Finally, she straddled Rachel's thigh, pressing her own against the other woman's juncture between her legs.

They took up their former rhythm until both women felt the orgasm surge through them. Quinn reached her climax first, whimpering, pressing harder down on Rachel's thigh, and through her haze she felt her lover tense as well, letting out a groan, gripping Quinn's upper arms, holding tight as the she rode on the wave that crashed through her body.

Panting and breathing hard, Quinn collapsed next to Rachel, pressing her body close against hers, placing a soft kiss on her lover's lips. She still felt the throbbing between her legs, but was too mesmerized by Rachel's expression to pay any further attention to it.

Rachel had her head slightly turned towards her, gazing at her from under her lashes, her cheeks flushed and her dark locks tousled, a strand falling over her shoulder, its tip almost licking at her breast. There was a glow cast over her features and when she looked up to gaze directly into her own eyes, Quinn was completely lost again. God, this was perfection laying right there in her arms.

"I love you. I love you. I love you so much, Rachel," Quinn shook her head at a loss for words to express this feeling of absolute belonging that raced through her. Tears sprang to her eyes as she bent down and very softly kissed Rachel.

"I love you, too, Quinn Fabray. With all my heart. I have always loved you and will always love you." Rachel answered, having read the words from Quinn's lips and she cupped Quinn's face, tenderly wiping the tears away, only to notice that she herself was crying.

That made both women laugh. "Look at us bawling again. I have to correct my statement from yesterday. I don't think even gay guys cry that much." She saw Quinn's face break into a smile and felt her chuckle against her body.

Then she remembered Quinn's beautiful words about how something that touched her inner truth, always made her cry.

"I guess, we both have just felt the truth of our hearts, Quinn. They showed us that we belong right where we are."

Quinn pressed her lips together, desperately trying to stop the flow of tears, but they would not obey and just kept falling harder after hearing Rachel's voice form those words.

Rachel pulled Quinn closer and placed her head on her chest, holding her tight, whispering soothing words, while softly stroking her back.

Quinn did not understand why she had to cry and why she could not stop, the sobs coming stronger and stronger until they rocked her whole body. The thought that she could have almost lost Rachel, first though her own actions, then through that horrible accident, made her cling to that small form beside her and somehow Rachel seemed to understand.

She felt Rachel's arms around her, her soft and beautiful voice enveloped her and knew that this was the safest place she could ever be. This was her sanctuary, her haven.

"Quinn, I am here, I won't leave. I am here, everything is ok." Rachel kept repeating those words over and over until Quinn felt her sobs die down, leaving her to take shuddering breaths while trying to compose herself again.

Then she looked up with shining eyes, trying a brave smile. "Thank you," she whispered.

Slowly Rachel brushed a blond strand out of Quinn's face, tugging it behind her ear.

"Quinn, you gave me your heart. That is the most precious thing one can offer. _You_ don't have to thank me. _I_ have to thank you and I promise that I will treasure and protect this gift with all my might."

And they held each other for a very long time in a tight embrace.

* * *

**Currently working on chapter 17 and 18... might take a bit longer this time for the next update.**


	17. Chapter 17

**Just to be on the save side, I rate this chapter M. **

**Glee is not my own, Quinn, Rachel and the rest of the official Glee characters also do not belong to me.**

… **I am slowly but surely running out of different ways to write this disclaimer …**

**I apologize for the wait for this update.**

**Thank you again for following my story so far!**

* * *

**Chapter 17**

Quinn had to leave Rachel on that Sunday a little after lunchtime to get ready for her afternoon show. Unfortunately, she also had a very busy schedule the following week. She had to prepare and rehearse for a special concert performance in addition to the usual schedule of her musical. This left her and Rachel in the unsatisfied situation of missing each other unbearably, because they were not able to spend much time together.

However, neither Quinn nor Rachel could go through the day without having any kind of contact. Preferably, physical skin-to-skin contact, but text messages or a Skype conversation had to suffice for the time being. That was especially hard for Rachel, since for her, physical contact had also become a very important means to connect and communicate with Quinn. It did not compensate her loss of hearing, but at least it provided the possibility to bond on another level with her. Texting or Skyping robbed Rachel of an important emotional layer. For her, this way of communicating was only two-dimensional, whereas having Quinn sitting in front of her, holding her, touching her, gave her a complete three-dimensional picture. This way she had at least the chance to pick up vibes, thoughts, and feelings consciously and unconsciously emitted through her lover's body language.

Quinn could at least listen to her voice when they were talking to make up for the missing physical nearness. That advantage eluded Rachel.

The following Monday passed by in a blur for Quinn, in the evening she could hardly hold her eyes open to Skype with Rachel. Seeing her beautiful, brown-haired girlfriend on the other side of the screen, gave her back some energy though. She managed to tickle a laugh out of Rachel with her tale of a small but funny misfortune one of her cast members experienced when his costume caught fire. Luckily, no one was hurt.

Rachel remembered a similar story and recounted it, totally surprising Quinn with it. It was the first time she ever mentioned something from her time on Broadway. And it was a really comical story which caused Quinn to laugh out loud until she had to catch her breath. Rachel had to laugh with her which perked both their spirits up a bit. Though as the excitement ebbed away, the actress noticed her exhaustion coming back full force.

Even though Rachel persisted after a while that Quinn used the chat window to type and not bother with ASL, Quinn would not hear anything of it. Only when Rachel had to ask for the third time what Quinn was trying to tell her, she succumbed, even though she could not fight the feeling that she was disappointing Rachel. And Rachel on the other hand somehow missed seeing the slender hands form the words for her. The conversation took on a static atmosphere. Rachel watched Quinn type her answers and somehow this was even less personal than when they were conversing via paper and pencil.

It was not satisfying for either of them. They soon bade their good nights, throwing some kisses through the line until finally logging off, both feeling a bit unhappy and sad.

As if they were out of sync somehow.

Tuesday dragged along and even though Quinn had to run from one appointment to the next, she felt like time stood still when it came to wishing it were already Friday so she could have a breather and some quality time with Rachel. The whole week seemed to stretch out in front of her and she desperately tried to rake her brain how to shorten the time until she could _really_ see her girlfriend again.

She grabbed her phone when she was in a cab driving from the theater to the concert hall on the other side of the city for the next run through of their song list. Her fingers flew over the keys.

_Hey beautiful, how are you? I was just thinking of you (as I did for the past 1000 moments) and wanted to send you some love through the line! Love you! miss you!  
Quinn_

One minute later, another message followed the previous one.

_Still missing you. Very. Horribly. Crazily. Can I take a shirt from you next time I have to leave you? _

Another moment later: _Is that creepy?_

Impatiently, she waited for an answer from Rachel, only then remembering that she was in her ASL class. Quinn had to reschedule hers to the afternoons and even then was only able to take two lessons that week, which annoyed her immensely.

For the first time since the start of her career as a singer, she felt that her life was scheduled and steered by everyone around her but herself. It had not disturbed her much all these past years. That was just the way it was in this line of business. If you wanted to succeed, you had to make yourself available. And that meant being on call twentyfour-seven for any opportunity that arose, at least in the beginning until you had managed to establish yourself and were recognized by the critics and decision makers.

There was nothing wrong with having this additional concert scheduled per se. Quinn actually was quite excited about the extra opportunity as it gave her further exposure and another leverage for her career. However, she was so not looking forward to this next session momentarily. Now that she had a large part of her heart facing another direction, it was hard to follow the usual business routine. It was not that she did not love her profession anymore. It just was not the sole reason Quinn lived for anymore.

The other "reason" that caused Quinn to wake up with a smile on her face every day of the past week finally managed to send an answer to her previous text messages.

_It's not creepy. As long as you don't want any used underwear, I guess I can spare one of my shirts :-).  
Miss you too. Feels like I haven't seen you in weeks. Is it really only one and a half days?  
R U already at the concert rehearsal?_

_On my way there. How long will you be awake tonite? Can I call you on Skype? _

_I'll stay awake until you call, Quinn :-). Hope the rehearsal goes well!  
R._

Quinn's phone buzzed again just after she read the last message.

_I want something from you, too! You choose what would best console me in your absence.  
Rachel, (pouting and grumpy)_

I _would be best to console you! Wish I could clone myself. Next time I'll leave something of me with you!  
Well, actually you already have my heart. Now I really have to think hard on what else I can give you :-). Gotta go. Talk to you later! _

Then she quickly sent another message on its way.

_Ugh, this is so absurd. I want to be with you! Now! I want to see you, feel you, hear you, love you!  
Instead I am sitting in a cab driving in the opposite direction. Life is not fair.  
Quinn, also pouting and being grumpy. Let's found "Grumpy-Club" :-)_

_Haha Quinn, let's do! We'll be Grumpy Old Women! We can join Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon.  
Or we will be like Waldorf and Statler from the Muppet show.  
R._

_I'd rather be Miss Piggy and Kermit, at least they got to kiss once :-). Talk to you later!  
Big hug!  
Q. _

With a heavy heart, she bagged her phone and exited the cab after paying the fare. She had to find a way to get some hours off this week to see Rachel. After some haggling with her musical director and applying a small white lie about a family emergency, she managed to reschedule her rehearsal from Thursday night to Friday morning, as there was only a run through of two of her songs arranged without the other singers. So she actually managed to arrange some free time.

Gleefully, her mind already set to plan on how to surprise Rachel. Oh, she would be so happy if she showed up at her doorstep and spend the whole evening with her. Maybe they could cook something together – and actually eat it.

Quinn rushed through her rehearsal and even though her mind kept wandering to the upcoming Thursday, she seemed to have satisfied her director since he let her and the other musicians go home half an hour early.

Quinn rushed out of the building and jumped in the next best cab that passed by.

….

Rachel sat in front of her computer and waited for the little Skype signal to blink. She willed it from its static existence to indicate that someone was calling, and that someone not being one of her dads. However, as hard as she stared at it, nothing happened.

She calculated the hours of how long Quinn would probably be busy and how long it would take her to get home. Well, then she would probably want to take a shower, maybe also eat something…

"Ugh," Rachel jumped up and was disgusted with herself for being so needy. She had more time to spare and for her it was a bit frustrating having to share Quinn with other people, namely Broadway staff and Carmen. And she guessed that Quinn would also want to see the one or other friend besides her in the near future.

Why was it so damn hard not being with her, not seeing her, not talking to her? She turned back to her laptop. Still no call.

Then Rachel noted out of the corner of her eyes that the light above the entrance started flashing. Eagerly she opened the door and her face fell.

_Dad? _Instinctively her hands started talking while her voice stayed mute. _What are you doing here?_

Hiram hugged his daughter after stepping inside and dropping a small bag by the door.

_I was here on a spontaneous business trip and the last flight back was canceled. I have a room in a hotel close by, but I wanted to say hello quickly. I saw the light was still on, so I figured you'd still be awake._

It was not so easy to understand what her dad was saying. He paused a lot between the words. But Rachel managed to piece together the main message of what he was trying to tell her. Rachel nodded as a reaction to his last statement.

She was torn between being happy to see her dad and the need to get back to her laptop. She just could not miss Quinn's call. Not being able to hear the chime, she would have to turn around and keep an eye on the screen, which was on the other hand very impolite towards her dad.

Hiram seemed to sense her tension.

_Are you ok? Am I disturbing?_

Compared to Quinn's signing, Hiram's was a bit clumsier. And compared to the short time Quinn had to learn, she found it hard not to be disappointed again at the lack of her parent's effort. Even one of her friends had decided to learn her language without even knowing if he would ever have the possibility to use it with her. Was she being unfair? But after learning how much consideration Quinn had Kurt had shown her she was a bit spoiled.

Finally she came around to answer her dad's question.

_No. I … I am waiting for a call. _

_Have you heard from Quinn again? _

Rachel was surprised how quickly her dad made the connection. Or was it just a coincidence?

She desperately tried to not look too guilty. She had not told her dads about their relationship yet. And that was nothing she would want to do in passing. She needed to sit down with them in order to explain what had happened between her and Quinn.

Thinking about Quinn made her smile again.

Hiram noticed the change in his daughter. Just like last time when he saw her through the computer camera, there was something different about her. Rachel seemed happier, not as brooding and depressed anymore. Mentioning Quinn made her eyes sparkle. It was as if a light had been switched on.

Rachel noticed that she had not answered her dad's question yet.

_Yes, I have. It's a long story, but we are…. staying in contact,_ she lamely explained, trying to get the pictures out of her mind where 'contact' meant more than writing messages or Skyping. She thought of lip contact, skin contact, any physical contact. And there were definitely no clothes in those pictures either.

She threw a quick glance at the computer. Just then her mobile lit up. Quickly she grabbed it, opening the text message, completely forgetting her dad still standing by the door.

_Hey Sweet! I am just on my way back. Please forgive me, I will not be able to call you tonite.  
Please forgive me. I am completely wasted, have to try to stay awake in the cab.  
Quinn, who loves you so incredibly much feeling very lonely and lost not talking to you today. _

Utterly disappointed, Rachel typed a quick answer. She had to work hard not to let her face show all the emotions that raced through her.

_Sure. Sleep tight! Have a good rest and talk to you in the morning.  
Love you, too._

She pressed send and tried to ignore the pang in her heart and the little doubts crawling up her spine. No, Quinn was just incredibly busy and she could understand that after such a schedule, bed was the only thing that she needed.

Still, one little talk? A minute would have been enough. Well, not really. But compared to this text message, anything would have been better. She could not shake her disappointment off; it sank deep into her stomach. They had not seen each other for two days now and today they did not even have the possibility to talk. Rachel fought the urge to send another message, writing what she really felt. That would leave Quinn probably just feeling guilty and that was not what Rachel wanted either.

An arm wrapping around her shoulder made her jump.

"Jesus, dad, why do you keep doing this? Why is it so hard for you and daddy to just show some consideration? Can't you just once imagine how it must be for me not being able to hear you approaching and suddenly being grabbed from behind?" She shouted at Hiram who was taken aback by the vehement reaction of his daughter.

She had rarely raised her voice and shouted at either one of them for as long as he could think back. But ever since the accident he had the feeling that their close bond had raptured. He had no idea how to approach her anymore, how to comfort her, what to do to show her they cared, that they still loved her. The more they tried the harder she pushed them away.

Rachel saw the hurt in her dad's eyes and felt a little guilty.

_Sorry, I should not have shouted at you._ She sighed, looking at her own hands, then dropped them.

"I think we need to talk about some things. Only… tonight is not such a good time. I'll come home for Hanukkah, I promise. Then we can sit down and discuss a few things, okay?" She tried to plaster an honest smile on her face for Hiram's benefit.

It did ease the worry on his face a little, but she could see in his eyes that there was a deeper hurt and confusion, which could not be charmed away so easily. Nevertheless, he gave in.

_All right, Rachel. I worry about you, I care about you. Please don't take that the wrong way. I am just trying. So is Leroy. _

'_Try harder,'_ Rachel thought but did not say it. She did not know why her parent's behavior irritated her so much. Why couldn't they be as thoughtful around her as Quinn? Because Quinn was an exception. A special and precious gift that had been bestowed upon her. She let out a deep breath. She really needed to sit down with her dads and have an honest talk. It was not fair to shut them out, keep them at arm's length, and then expect them to understand her as much as Quinn did. They did not even know half of the things, experiences, and feelings that she had shared with her former high school friend over the past days.

Her resolve softened. She stepped closer and gave her dad a hug.

"Dad, we really need to talk. I know I have not let on to my feelings lately, which made it not easy for you both to understand me and what the whole situation did to me. Please be a little more patient with me, ok?" Rachel leaned back to look into his eyes.

He had noticed that while all these past months she would not utter a single word in their presence, she had graced him twice with her voice that evening, and that touched him dearly.

"Dad, I am ok, really." She smiled, this time genuinely.

Hiram hugged her back, then withdrew.

_Ok, pumpkin. Let us know when you will be home. _

He stroke tenderly over her hair. _I am glad that you are better. You look better. There is some light back in your eyes, _he signed and smiled. _Thank you for speaking to me. It was nice to hear your voice again. Take care and call us, promise?_

"Promise!"

She kissed him on the cheek and walked him to the door. She opened it for him, stepping back. When he did not walk out, she peeked around the door and saw an astonished Quinn standing in her doorway, her hand still hovering over the bell.

Her dad looked just as surprised.

Quinn threw Rachel a quick glance before focusing on the man in front of her, remembering her manners.

"Good evening, Mr. Berry. I am sorry, I … I did not want to interrupt. I didn't know Rachel had company." For Rachel's benefit, she accompanied her words with signs.

"Quinn, what a surprise to see you! You are not interrupting," he looked at Rachel to gauge her reaction towards her visitor, before continuing: "I was just leaving. Well, have a nice evening the two of you!"

When it was clear that he would not translate his words, Quinn jumped in and interpreted his words for Rachel as well, who gave her a thankful look. Rachel wondered why it was so hard for him to grasp that even if he was not talking to her directly, she would still want to know what was being said. Hiram noticed his laps and apologized. However, the look that the two women exchanged did not escape him. Something was definitely in the air. He could not quite grasp it yet, but something had changed. With a final look at this daughter and a smile at Quinn, he left.

The door had not yet fully closed when Quinn held Rachel in her arms and greedily claimed her lover's lips and the smaller woman was just as eagerly answering her advance, letting escape a little moan. She pressed her body against Quinn's, wrapping her arms around her waist.

Quinn started when the doorbell rang and her reaction made Rachel jump as well. Then the brunette saw the light flicker.

"Oh, maybe dad forgot something."

She opened the door and indeed Hiram stood in the doorway again. Rachel tried to keep the blush out of her face. It was almost like being caught in flagrante. Hiram rummaged in his bag and then pulled out a letter, handing the paper to Rachel.

With a questioning look she stretched out her hand and took the already open envelop.

"You opened it?"

_It was addressed to me. Apparently Dr. Brenneman's office could not reach you._

Glancing at the sender envelope, Rachel then averted her eyes and stuck the letter behind a plant pot that was on the shelf behind her. She did not even spare it a second glance. Two more envelopes of the same size peeked out from behind the plant. Hiram followed his daughter's movement with his eyes, instantly guessing what the other two letters were.

_Rachel, why haven't you gone to see Dr. Brenneman? Why have you not answered to his letters? Please, make an appointment for a check-up. _He looked at her sincerely._ You never know._

_Yes. I do know. What's the point? _With great emphasis, she signed the next four words._ I still can't hear._

Rachel then jutted her chin out, not looking at her dad or Quinn, who had watched the exchange with unease. She was not sure if she had read Hiram's signs correctly, but in any case the topic seemed to make Rachel extremely uneasy.

Hiram nodded slightly. As hard as it was for him to accept this; it was his daughter's choice in the end. And he knew, if she did not want to do something, you could not make her do it. It had always been like that. Even as a little girl, she could display a stubbornness that was stronger than the great wall of China.

After one last worried look, he squeezed her hand, collected his bag, and with a little wave disappeared down the hallway.

Quinn threw a concerned look at Rachel who still would not look her in the eyes. She stepped in front of her and bent down a little, cocking her head to one side to get a glimpse of her face.

Finally, Rachel's gaze slowly shifted and met hers. The kind look on the blonde's face let Rachel's anger die down. There was no judgment in it. Only concern.

_You want to talk about it?_

Rachel just shook her head."No. Not now."

Quinn had anticipated this answer; still, she was curious what Hiram was referring to. But it was not her call to take up the subject. She wanted to take up what they were doing before Hiram had acted as a coitus interruptus.

Still having her eyes glued on Rachel's beautiful features she noticed the anger dissipate and be replaced by joy and excitement. She was glad to see the shift in her lover, having feared the episode with the letter had spoiled the mood.

"What are you doing here? I thought you wanted to go home and sleep!" Happy, Rachel's eyes gleamed.

_I wanted to surprise you. And I needed to see you. I could not wait until Friday. _She placed a tender kiss on Rachel's still smiling mouth.

Rachel wrapped her arms around Quinn's waist, tilting her head back, soaking up the love and desire that radiated from her look. Then she placed her head on her girlfriend's chest, sighing deeply.

"I am so happy to see you, Quinn! I did not know how to survive all these days without being able to touch you!"

Rachel chuckled a bit. Leaning so close to Quinn, the blond felt the small laughter vibrate in her own chest and it made her heart warm. She knew it would be hard to forget the picture that had burned into her mind when she saw Rachel for the first time in front of the theater and how much her appearance had shocked her. It now made her so happy to see Rachel smiling, laughing and coming to life again.

She breathed in deeply and let out a humming sound, feeling all the tension that had accumulated during the day dissipate.

"Mmmmmmmmmmmhhhhhhhhhh," Quinn tightened her embrace, displaying that she agreed with Rachel's statement.

"Are you purring?" Rachel laughed and felt Quinn's head nod against hers. Then with a start, she jerked her head back as a thought struck her.

"Are you hungry? Have you eaten anything? I don't want you to starve with all that running around. I know how crazy these days can get and how easy it is to forget to eat properly."

Sincere brown eyes read Quinn's, who shook her head, disentangling her hands.

_Actually, now that you mention it, I am a bit hungry. I think…. I have only eaten breakfast and skipped lunch._

"Ok, I am going to make you something to eat now. No, resistance is futile. Sit down." And she pulled the taller woman towards the kitchen where she left her sitting on one of the barstools.

However, Quinn was not satisfied being so far away from the person she loved, so after a moment of watching Rachel busy herself with a pan and ingredients, she hopped off. Trailing around the counter, she kept a short distance away until Rachel caught her eye and noticed her standing there. She raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow in question.

_I need to be close to you. _

"Hm. But how am I going to cook then?"

Quinn stepped behind her, linking her arms in front of Rachel's stomach, placing a kiss on her right cheek. Then she moved her hands.

_You will hardly notice me. I'll just walk behind you._

It was a bit difficult to form the words being restricted in her movements and using Rachel's body as reference but the brunette got the message.

With Quinn tagging along, her arms never loosening around her waist, Rachel whipped up a very tasty mix of vegetables and Basmati rice. It was not too heavy for the late hour but it stilled the grumbling in Quinn's stomach.

They both shared the meal, throwing longing glances back and forth, touching each other every other moment, as if to make sure the other person was still there.

"We are sooo needy, Quinn," Rachel smirked at one point, which triggered Quinn to laugh.

_Yes, we are…_ she searched for the word, not knowing the sign, she mouthed it.

"Pathetic?" Rachel repeated and hopped off the chair, when Quinn bobbed her head up and down, grinning.

"You know what, I don't care." Checking that Quinn had emptied her plate in order to not leave her still hungry, Rachel climbed on Quinn's lap. Claiming her lips with her own and pressing her body against the blonde to get as much physical contact as possible.

To have Quinn right here in front of her was the best gift of the day.

She had a hard time admitting it, but the teasing message that Quinn had sent, telling her that she was not able to call had left a hollowness in her that was hard to cover up. And dealing with her dad in that state would have been too much. Opening the door and seeing Quinn actually standing there gave her a burst that made her heart overflow with joy. It was amazing how this woman managed to shift her feelings from zero to one hundred in no time.

"Quinn," she managed between kisses, "I was short of sitting in a cab and driving to your apartment. Even if I had had to sleep in front of the door, at least I could have seen you in person when you leave your apartment in the morning," she joked.

Quinn pulled the omnipresent pad and pen on the counter closer as Rachel sat too press against her to see her hands properly.

_That's why I came here. I did not want you to end up on the cold floor outside my door._

"You could at least have asked me inside then."

_Yeeeeaaaahhhh, maybe! _That comment triggered Rachel to poke Quinn in the sides, which made the blond woman jump and wiggle on the chair.

"You mean little prick! You would let me camp on your doorstep!"

Rachel did not stop torturing her girlfriend, having discovered how ticklish she was. Quinn started laughing harder, not able to ward of the offending fingers.

"Rachel, stop! Rachel, pleeeeeaaase, no tickling!" she exclaimed while trying to get a hold of Rachel's hands.

"Are you begging for mercy, Quinn?" The question was answered with a vigorous nod of the blond head. "What do you have to offer?"

For a moment Rachel rested her hands placing them on Quinn's to ward off a possible counterattack and watched Quinn catch her breath.

"How about a surprise on Thursday?" The quizzical expression on her girlfriend's face made her snatch her hands out of Rachel's grip.

_Sorry. Keep Thursday evening free, ok? Well, only if you don't want to tickle me, that is. _

"Really? I don't have to wait until Friday to see you? Ok, deal!" And Rachel held her hands up to show that she would not attack Quinn anymore.

After agreeing on the peace treaty and sealing it with a long and passionate kiss, they both cleaned up the kitchen together and then snuggled on the couch to watch a late night movie. Quinn was a bit distracted by the subtitles that flickered across the screen at first. She tried to strain her ears to hear the conversation, but then gave up.

_Rachel, can you turn up the volume a bit_?

It showed on her face that she was uneasy to ask.

Rachel snorted. "What, are you deaf?" She then asked jokingly.

_Apparently. _Quinn answered, appreciating the little joke as an attempt to show her that she should not feel awkward for asking something like that.

"Here, you do it." Quinn took the offered remote and adjusted the volume.

Next, Quinn was distracted by the soothing fingers that crawled up and down her right arm. She turned and saw that Rachel was so _not_ interested in the movie, but rather in watching her from the side. When she caught her gaze, Quinn completely forgot about the film. She drowned in the brown eyes and all she was aware of was Rachel's skin under her own fingers, her breath on her lips and her scent in her nose.

She leaned forward until Rachel gave in and fell back on the couch, her eyes never leaving Quinn's. Slowly, the blonde trailed her hand down her lovers shirt and underneath it up to cup the braless, round breasts with her hand.

As passionate as their first exploring had been, as slow and as sensual their making love was this time. Eventually they moved to Rachel's bedroom, continuing their bodily exploration with their hands, their lips and their tongue. Neither woman left one centimeter untouched. The soft light pouring over Rachel's slightly tanned skin gave it a beautiful glow. Quinn could not get enough of the naked glory spread out in front of her, smiling, writhing, and pleasantly moaning under her touch. She noticed that sometimes Rachel would close her eyes, but as soon as Quinn's fingers left her body to shift her own position, her eyes quickly opened to reconnect on a visual level and to see where she was moving. It thrilled her to be able to feel and hold this beautiful woman, to see her open up to her, to be able to bring her the outmost pleasure, raise her desire and be the only one that could also satisfy it.

When the wave of absolute pleasure rode through Rachel's body, she arched her back, her body tense, her grip on Quinn's arm almost hurtful in her ecstasy. Quinn held her with one arm under her back, the other hand gently continuing to probe the soft and most sensible spot between Rachel's legs. Finally, the ripples of pleasure ebbed away and left the smaller woman moaning and panting in Quinn's embrace.

As she came to her senses again, Rachel then took over the lead and slowly brought Quinn to her climax, with sensual kisses that moved closer and closer to the juncture between her legs. She felt that having witnessed her own orgasm, Quinn was already very aroused and she did not want to tease her too much. Feeling Quinn's most vulnerable spot underneath her tongue almost made Rachel come again herself. With some effort she managed to concentrate on Quinn and let her tongue swirl around the little bud that caused Quinn to whimper in longing for more.

Rachel let her tongue flick a beet deeper, dipping into the wetness that had spread between her girlfriend's legs. Quinn's hands grabbed the sheets beneath her, moving her hips in a rhythm that thrust Rachel's tongue deeper into the hot folds. Slowly she moved up again, starting to suck at Quinn's clitoris, first lightly, then harder. It did not take long until Quinn finally cried out, held Rachel's head in both hands and spasmed, her whole body growing tense as her orgasm reached its peak.

As her body grew limp again under Rachel's softly stroking hands, Rachel crawled up and gently kissed the full lips of the most beautiful woman she had ever seen, that she was sure of. Quinn had her eyes closed, still reveling in that sensation that had rocked her from head to toe. Rachel saw her chest rise and fall in short breaths, smiling satisfied at having her lover delivered into such a delicious elated state. Eventually Quinn opened her eyes and Rachel was struck by the deep hazel color, some golden flecks that looked like sunlight dancing through the forest leaves. Again it raised the feeling of complete belonging in her. Those eyes drew her in and she never wanted to see something else.

Blissfully they held each other, letting soft hands wander over supple skin until they fell asleep in each other's arms.

….

It was still very early when Quinn got up the next morning, but she had to get back to her apartment first to change. Her spontaneous house call the evening before left her again without a fresh change of clothes. At least this time she did not sleep in them. To be exact, she was not wearing anything during the night and waking up, sensing Rachels naked body with her soft skin pressed against hers was the most prescious gift to carry her through the new and busy day.

Before having to leave and against her better judgment, Quinn had to mention what had happened in the evening.

_Rachel, I would appreciate if you'd tell me what upset you last night when your dad gave you that envelope. I mean, whenever you're ready. I don't want to press you but please don't shut me out._

Rachel lowered her gaze. "Ok." Then she looked up and cupped Quinn's face with both hands, locking eyes with her. Quinn placed a passionate kiss on her girlfriend's lips before she hurried out.

Rachel leaned with her back against the door after having seen her girlfriend off, swiped her hair out of her face with both hands and let out a deep breath. She knew she would have to address the two topics she had pushed away the past couple of days. She would have to take a look at them and tell Quinn about them, letting the emotions, doubts, questions and insecurities come up. But she also knew that Quinn would listen with an open heart, would support her and never judge her. This knowledge made it a lot easier to face the two things in her life she had the most difficulties to deal with.

Missing music and still harboring hope in one small corner of her heart.

Hope that she did not want to have destroyed by some final verdict of a doctor.

* * *

**Another Glee character is coming up in the next chapter :-)**


	18. Chapter 18

**Can you believe it, 18 (EIGHTEEN!) chapters already! I never thought this little idea of mine would carry itself so far… and get such great feedback. Thank you all for staying with me!**

** - Sharene19: The saying is true, but so far, I still have a couple of things to write about. So there is more to come, don't worry!**

** - gllover22: The latter is definitely coming up, soon… **

** - JPElles: It's in the works…**

** - Nicole Craft: Thank you thank you thank you! Hope beta reading my story does not steal too much time from writing yours!**

**Glee, what shall I say… wish I would own it. But I don't, didn't and won't. **

* * *

**Chapter 18**

Wednesday evening, Quinn hurried to get out early after her performance, because she finally wanted to give Santana a call. She did not know how much she would tell her friend about her new love live yet, but at least she wanted to hear how her friend was.

Quinn settled on her couch and typed Santana's number into her phone. Her high school friend was currently in New York, staying with her aunt and uncle.

The Latina picked up after the third ring, greeting her with the usual charming Santana style.

"Hey, Quinn. I was wondering if you were still alive."

"Likewise, Santana," Quinn smirked. "How are you?"

"Busy, but good!" She hesitated a moment. Quinn sensed that there was more to come and stayed silent. "Isn't it strange how life keeps us busy and days rushed by until you notice that the important things are left behind? Like staying connected to friends. Not even having time or taking the time to call them? Always blaming others or other circumstances why we just can't make the effort."

Santana offered a rare and untypical glimpse into her inner musings. She did not share these insights with many people. Most people were recipients of her typical directness, carefully hiding the sensitive side of her personality that also existed. Once she trusted a person enough, she would let her or him enter this part of Santana's world. People were often surprised by the depth and vulnerability that the young woman could display.

"Yeah," Quinn sighed, "tell me about it. I don't know how many times it was already when I wanted to call you. You still staying with your family?"

"Yes. But I am applying for jobs here in New York," Santana revealed and Quinn could hear the smile in her voice.

"Really? It's about time! What are your options?" Quinn was excited about the possibility to have her old friend living close to her again. That would make it so much easier to stay in contact.

"There is an agency that is hiring a personal trainer for some VIPs, mainly high strung managers, some celebrities as well. Can you imagine kicking some actress's butt?"

Quinn chuckled. "Well, it won't be my butt you're gonna kick! Do you already have interviews?"

"Yes, obviously cheerleading under Coach Sylvester was a markup in my curriculum. There is still one other competitor in the loop though, for this particular job."

"When will you know if you get it?" Quinn really hoped that Santana would stay in the city.

"They will call me back tomorrow. So keep your fingers crossed, Q! Listen, if this works out, do you think I could stay with you for a couple of days until I have my own place? My _tia_ is really nice and all, but a little overbearing at times."

Had this question been asked two weeks ago, Quinn would not have hesitated to offer her guest room to Santana, but now Quinn did not know what to answer right away.

"What? Something you need to tell me? You moving? Got an engagement somewhere else?" Santana sounded disappointed.

"No, I'm staying in New York."

"Someone living with you already? You pregnant or what?"

"No." Was all Quinn said, rolling her eyes at the last question.

There was silence in the line for a second. Quinn was thinking about how much she was going to tell and Santana was trying to figure out what caused Quinn's hesitation. Then she caught on.

"Wait! You are seeing someone! That's why you don't want me to stay with you! Little Santana would be in the way when you and your new smoochie are making out," she then exclaimed.

"Ugh," Quinn just groaned and pinched the bridge of her nose. Damn. How come Santana always knew these things? Ok, it was not that hard to guess, judging from her reaction to Santana's initial question to stay with her.

How would she get out of this number without giving away Rachel's condition? Well, giving away that she _was with_ Rachel in the first place? In addition, why the hell was she so secretive about it? Because it was still so fresh and such an unexpected situation? From time to time, Quinn had to pinch herself to make sure that having Rachel as her girlfriend was true and not some wonderful dream she dreaded to wake up from. Sometimes she wondered if all the exaggerated romantic movies and soaps were truly not a mirror of real life, where wonderful yet crazy things actually happened, even if they seemed too good to be true.

Santana's excited voice pierced through her contemplations.

"I knew it! That's awesome, who is it? Do I know him? Spill, Fabray!"

"Er, um, yes. Actually, you do." God, why did she have to call Santana? She should have known that this talk would end up exactly where it was now. Santana could be like a bloodhound once she caught on to something, she would never let loose , shaking you up until every little detail dropped out of your mouth, regardless if you wanted to or not.

Quinn sat at the other side of the phone line and just bit her lip.

"Hey, Q, you still awake? I'm talking to you." Again, Santana's remark was met with silence. Then Quinn literally heard the wheels clicking in her friend's head.

"Why do you make such a goddam secret out of your relationship? What are you afraid of?"

"I am not afraid of anything, Santana," Quinn stated defensively. "It's just… I don't want to talk about it."

"Come on Quinn, it's me, auntie Santana, you're talking to. How can you give me so much and then not tell the rest, huh? You told me I know the person – good lord," she interrupted herself; "I hope it is not Finn the dork Hudson. Please, you can tell me everything but not this!"

Despite herself Quinn had to chuckle. She calmed her friend. "No, it is not him."

"Good. Good. Anything else will work." She heard Santana breathe a sigh of relief, wondering why that would have been so horrible. Well, leaving the fact that she did not love him and never really had aside.

"What do you mean anything else will work?"

"Any other constellation I can think of is better than the one mentioned before."

"Uhu. And what so called _constellation_ are you thinking of?" Santana would never guess, Quinn was sure of that.

"Hm, there could be Artie, but no. Puck, maybe. But nah, he is in San Francisco. Long term relationships are not a Quinn Fabray thing. So…." All of a sudden, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?"

"Oh, I just tried to remember who you still were in contact with after high school and the only person I could remember, who always evoked any kind of feelings in you, however negative they were," she chuckled again, "was Rachel Berry. But she did not play in the other team, neither do you. So I am out of options. Whom did I forget? Come on, Quinn, I am tired of guessing."

"Uh," Quinn was desperately trying to find a way out. Santana's little joke about Rachel had hit its mark. Words failed her and her hesitation gave Santana the last push into the right direction. Facing the inevitable, Quinn squeezed her eyes shut.

"Ooooohhh, waitaminute, no way. Nonononono. No! You're not gonna tell me that…goddammit Quinn, really? You and Berry? _Dios mio._ When the fuck did that happen?" The three billion question marks behind Santana's questions literally flew through the phone line and punched Quinn in the face.

"Ah, pfffffffffffff…" Quinn let out a deep breath, trying to buy time. "Dunno. Well, no. I _do_ know when it started. We figured it out."

"We?" Santana asked meekly.

"Yes, we, Rachel and I." Quinn was suddenly amused that the news shocked her friend who usually was not shy of words, sometimes almost up to the point of being verbally abusive. However, this piece of news seemed to have robbed her of her speech. So Quinn continued with her explanation.

"To answer your question, it actually started nine years and six days ago, to be exact," she then stated with a laugh. It was too late now anyway, so she could tell her friend the truth.

Apparently, Santana had found her way back to her old self, because the next string of comments came out in a rush peppered with the so familiar Santana curse words.

"Shit Q, honestly, what the hell are you talking about? Are you delirious? You're not gonna tell me that you have been mushing over Rachel already in high school? Fuck, no. I would have noticed. I mean, I even noticed that this big oaf Karofsky was gay, when no one else would have ever gotten behind his little secret, leaving Kurt aside. But _Rachel_? C'mon, you hated her guts most of the time we spent together in Glee Club!" Santana incredulously exclaimed.

"Obviously I was a better actress than Karofsky. Rachel thought the same, by the way. About me hating her, I mean," Quinn simply stated. Now that the news was out, she felt oddly calm in comparison to the Latina.

"Yeah, but, you and her, you didn't see each other over the past years. At least that's what you told me and don't tell me that you fucking lied to me, Q! That this has been going on behind my back. Then Imma gonna rip your pretty little ass open, I swear!"

"Calm down Santana. Nothing happened over the past years. I … we…just met recently by chance."

Santana was quiet for a second, waiting for a longer explanation. When Quinn did not offer one, she probed again.

"Listen Q, that's not how this works. You're gonna tell good old Santana the details, because if I have to pull every little detail out of your nose, it ain't gonna be pretty!"

"Santana, uh, you know, maybe I am not ready to talk about further details. So either you back off, or I'll just hang up. Your choice." Quinn was starting to get irritated. Usually, she had no trouble with Santana's outspokenness and was just as good at returning her retorts, but Rachel and the details of how they met were just too sensible for Quinn to bring them up. She knew how Rachel felt about other people knowing about her condition. And the more details she put on the table, the deeper Santana would dig. So Quinn had to get her off her back.

Apparently, Santana had caught the serious note in Quinn's voice.

"Ok, Quinn, sorry that I blew off like that. But I really have been wondering about you. You hardly called over the past years, held everyone from the old gang at a distance and even though you and Rachel had become something like friends during our senior year, you never spoke to her anymore over the past years. And all of a sudden, you and she are an item, telling me that you have been in love with her since high school. How do you expect me to react to this kind of news? And yes, I do feel left out and I am a bit jealous that she now gets all your attention when you just managed to call me now, ten fucking weeks after the last time we spoke."

"You know Santana, the phone works both ways and you have my number." It annoyed Quinn immensely that her friends always blamed her for not staying in contact when they as well could call her for a change.

"Yes, I know. I hope if I stay in the city, then we can see each other more often! Man, I still have to digest the news. I can't believe I never saw this coming!"

"You know Santana, I am actually surprised. You really didn't know?" Quinn's anger dissipated over her friend's earlier apology. She tried to picture herself in Santana's shoes and understood her need for reassurance. "You teased me about it, Santana. Remember Senior Prom? You told me in the hallway in front of the Spanish classroom I should stop making out with Berry and help you count the ballots." Quinn laughed quietly. "God, you never knew how much I really would have wanted to make out with her, in retrospect."

"Gee, yeah. Anyway, now you get to do it. Better late than never!" Santana had to laugh. "So, how is she, our famous star? Last I heard she was on Broadway in some famous musical."

Quinn closed her eyes. Then simply stated: "Yes. Funny Girl."

Santana did not react right away, picking up the unspoken vibes. "Ok, there is something you are not telling me. What is it?" Rottweiler instinct.

"It is actually not for me to tell." Quinn tried to stir the topic away.

"What. Is something wrong with our diva? She lost her voice or somethin'?" Santana joked, but it was not lost on her that Quinn caught her breath, ever so slightly.

"Wait, Quinn, sorry, that was a joke. I'll stop making fun of her I promise. She is your girlfriend now, I get it. I am happy for you, honestly. Just have to get used to the thought that you and B-Rachel…" she quickly corrected herself before calling Rachel by her surname. "…are a couple now." She hesitated a moment. "Listen, can we meet for coffee tomorrow? I'd rather talk about this in person with you."

Quinn quickly calculated the time she would have before meeting Rachel for dinner. If she hurried through her morning appointments, she would have some time to share coffee with Santana before seeing Rachel.

"Sure. I won't have much time, but I can squeeze in a coffee with you."

"Gee, thanks for receiving me for an audience, your highness," Santana sneered and Quinn laughed.

They agreed to meet at a small coffee shop called the _Coffee Bean_ that was not so far from Rachel's apartment and it would save Quinn some time since she would not have to go back and forth across the city.

...

After hanging up, she pulled her laptop on her legs and rang through to Rachel, who did not answer. Quinn tried again a couple of minutes later, still no response. Hopefully, Rachel was not asleep yet. She needed to see her face, needed to look into those beautiful eyes to satisfy at least a tiny portion of that absolute longing in her heart.

Finally, her own laptop chimed and she accepted the call, seeing a tired looking Rachel on the other side of the screen.

_Hey, Sweet, thanks for calling back. How are you? Everything all right with you? _Concern was written on Quinn's face.

Rachel bobbed her head. "Yes, just a little tired. Had to run some errands and had a meeting with my former manager."

Quinn touched a finger to the screen where Rachel's cheek would be. _How did it go?_

To her surprise, Rachel signed the next sentence.

_I will tell you tomorrow, ok? I think I am ready for bed._

And just when Quinn started to get really worried, Rachel smiled. _Really, I am ok, stop frowning._

_I should have called earlier, sorry. I had Santana on the line. You should have been my priority to be called first when I came home. _Quinn felt bad for making Rachel wait.

_Quinn, please, it's ok, why do you feel bad for catching up with your friends? They have the same right as I do to get your attention. Besides I've only settled down now, I was busy straightening up and cleaning. I have a date tomorrow; _she smirked and wiggled one of her eyebrows.

_Is that so? Who is the lucky one?_

_Fishing for compliments, Quinn?_

_Yes! _

The blonde bluntly stated, which made Rachel laugh and this lightened Quinn's mood a bit to see a little carefreeness replace the serious expression on her girlfriend's pretty face. Though she still wondered why Rachel kept signing. Not that she complained about it, she was just wondering since the past days Rachel had spoken to her almost all the time, which of course had made the conversations a bit easier. She had to admit, she missed her voice.

_How is Santana? _Quinn saw her girlfriend ask._  
_

_Good, she is in New York applying for a job. She wants to stay here. _

_That's great! Then you two have an easier time to stay in touch if she lives closer! _

Rachel was truly happy for Quinn, thinking back on how glad she was that Kurt was also so close to her – again.

_We will meet tomorrow for a quick coffee in the afternoon. _

Why did Quinn keep feeling uncomfortable talking about other friends with Rachel? Rachel did not expect Quinn to spend all her free time with her, even though that was what Quinn would prefer to do. Maybe she felt guilty because they did not have much time for each other this week and the little extra free time she could squeeze out of the tight schedule she would share with Santana.

"Quinn?" Rachel's voice interrupted her musings.

_Sorry, just lost in thoughts. _

_Let's call it a night, ok? I am happy to see you tomorrow! _Rachel then signed._  
_

_I miss you! Are you mad that I will also meet with Santana? _Before Quinn could reign in her hands, the question was out in the air.

_What makes you think that? _

A raised eyebrow and a questioning look in the brown eyes showed Quinn that it was an honest query. So the guilty feeling only came from her own musings. It was nothing that Rachel implied.

_Sorry, just, I don't know…_

"Ok, Quinn, first of all, stop apologizing all the time. Second, did I do anything to give you that feeling? If so, I did not do it deliberately. I know how busy you are and how challenging this kind of job can be and during the high season to juggle everything in the minimal free time you have. So stop blaming yourself."

Quinn nodded. _I don't deserve you. You are always so understanding._

"Hm, let's see how you can make it up to me tomorrow." The teasing and smiling from Rachel lifted a bit the heavy feeling in Quinn's stomach and hearing her girlfirend's voice in the end was another special treat.

_Ok. I will!_

They bade their goodnights, of course not without throwing lots of love and _I miss you_'s through the ether. Still, just like last time it left a little aftertaste of disappointment on Quinn's tongue. She always had the feeling of not being completely connected to Rachel whenever they were talking via Skype. She never experienced this when they were actually together.

Unbeknown to her, Rachel felt the same on the other end. So she tried to focus on the next day. She would surprise Quinn with a self-cooked dinner because Rachel did not want Quinn to worry about preparing dinner if she had been running around like crazy for the better part of the week. She would take her time and really try to prepare a nice meal. The rice and vegetables she had prepared the other night were the only thing she could whip up from scratch, but this time she would really make the effort. Missing chef-talent or not.

Rachel smiled at the thought of treating Quinn with a relaxing "spa" evening at home. Good food, some whine, a nice bath, a massage… The plan started to take form in her mind. With these pictures – that did not display any clothes in them - in her mind she slowly drifted off to sleep.

….

Quinn entered the small café and immediately spotted Santana sitting in the far corner. They hugged each other for a long time, before sitting down and choosing their coffee.

"Good to see you again in person, Q," Santana admitted.

"Yes, I'm happy to see you too, Santana! Have you heard from your job interview?"

The former cheerio shook her head and her black ponytail bobbed from one side to the other.

"No, I have to keep myself from fidgeting and picking up the phone every other minute," she then laughed about herself.

"You know how a watched pot never boils," Quinn offered with a smirk.

"Yes, I do know. That is why I keep it in my pocket now and luckily, I have you to distract me! How is your show going? I meant to come, but so far I have not done one typical tourist thing."

"Oh, that is so Santana. Just don't be average and do what everybody else does. You are just so above things. I guess that hasn't changed," Quinn teased her friend. "Well, my show is still on, so if you want to come, let me know. I am very busy preparing for a concert in parallel. And with all the additional shows scheduled now for the upcoming Christmas season my head is already spinning with all the appointments I have. That does not leave much time for anything else," she sighed.

"Or any_one_ else," Santana corrected her. "So, I have to admit I am still a bit surprised, but I see that she seems to be good for you. You seem happy. Even though there is something you are not telling me. But I'll get to it." Santana narrowed her eyes and waved a finger at Quinn.

Quinn decided not to latch on to the last comment. "Well, I am very happy. I never would have thought that this would happen. I mean, it took me so many years to figure it out and then having the luck that the other person you hopelessly fall in love with is loving you back, with all your faults, insecurities… wow, that is just such an amazing feeling!" She radiated such happiness that Santana had to smile.

"I know, Quinn. I felt that way when Brittany finally fell in love with me." A wistful expression washed over Santana's face.

"You still miss her?"

"Yeah, in a way. She was my first love. The first woman I was with. I will always love her in a way. We still stay in contact."

"Is that the reason why you came to New York? So you could be closer to her?" Quinn was curious. The two women had been separated for five years and still there seemed to be an unresolved issue between them. None of them was able to let go completely, but they did not want to commit themselves either. Brittany had opened her own dance school three years ago, training young adults, and helping the one or other aspiring actor to improve their moves.

"I don't know. I needed a change, new impulses, needed to get to know new people. Turns out I run into you and Berry," she added with a smirk.

"Well, sometimes old friends are good to have. They can help you settle in. And they can also introduce you to new people. You never know." Quinn thought for a moment. "Listen; let me think about your request from yesterday. I'd like to discuss it with Rachel; obviously this also affects her, in a way. We will find you a place to stay, Santana, I promise." Quinn noticed Santana throwing her a grateful look.

"Thanks. I don't want to impose, you know. I…"

"It's ok Santana, really. Did you know, by the way, that Kurt and Blaine also live in the city? Rachel met Kurt the other day."

"Really? _Vaya_, then the old gang is almost back together, how cool is that. But hey, don't suggest that we all go out for Karaoke, un uh, not with me!" The Latina waved a dismissive hand through the air and glimpsed something in Quinn's eyes that she could not quite pinpoint. She furrowed her brow.

"Ok, Quinn, I get it that you don't want to talk about it. But whatever it is, whenever you are ready, you can talk to me, ok? I won't press it. But don't swallow too much. One day you might choke on it."

"Thanks Santana, I get it that this is your own charming way of telling me that you have an open ear for a friend in distress. I appreciate the gesture. And … give me some time. We will talk about it sooner or later. Just… not now."

Santana rested her dark eyes on Quinn, studying her silently. Then she nodded. "Fair enough."

They caught up on the whereabouts of their other Glee Club friends, chatting a bit about Mr. Schuester and his wife, until finally coming to Sue Sylvester, wondering how she was doing with her little daughter.

Quinn looked at her watch and saw that it was time to leave, if she wanted to surprise Rachel by being early for their date. The two women paid and walked outside. They hugged for their good-byes, holding each other for a moment when the Latina exclaimed: "Look. Speak of the devil."

Quinn spun around, half-expecting Coach Sylvester standing behind her. Instead, she saw Rachel stopping in her tracks, looking up from the phone in her hand, as if she had felt that she was being watched. She stared at the two other women standing on the sidewalk.

Even from the little distance, Quinn saw the insecurity claim her lover's features. She felt rushed back to that day in the Community Center, when Rachel had worn a similar expression, her eyes darting between them and the other side of the street, her body tense as if ready to flee.

Quinn's color drained from her face. This was not how she had anticipated their date to begin with. What had shocked Rachel so much that she was ready to run? Seeing Santana, someone from her past, or the fact that both women hugged? Quinn had a feeling that whatever happened the day before somehow had left an adverse impact on Rachel.

* * *

** - RachelBarbraBerry: ****(That feels like I am writing to one of my own characters... :-)) ****Sorry for another cliffhanger here… Couldn't resist.  
**


	19. Chapter 19

**I don't own anything regarding Glee.  
**

**Thank you again for all the reviews. It is really great to know what you think!  
**

* * *

**Chapter 19**

"Wait here Santana." It came out harsher than Quinn had intended, but she prayed that for once the Latina would do as asked. Just because Rachel was comfortable communicating with her did not automatically mean it would be as easy with others.

She walked towards Rachel who was still standing rooted to the pavement.

When she was near enough, she could see the confusion in those large, brown eyes.

"Quinn, what are you two doing here?"

Rachel's eyes skipped between her girlfriend and the tall, dark haired Latina standing a few paces behind her before settling back on the woman in front of her, not sure what to make of the situation.

"I mean, you told me you were going to meet Santana, but not …here." The brown eyes still rested on Quinn's features.

There was a mixture of surprise, confusion and … was it guilt … on Quinn's face. Rachel asked herself why Quinn had not told her that she would meet with Santana in her neighborhood. Maybe she just forgot or did not find it important. Maybe Santana lived somewhere nearby.

Nevertheless, it still felt strange that Quinn would have omitted such banal information. So why did she? Was she afraid that Rachel would want to join them? It was not as if she wanted to intrude. But now that Santana had already seen her, what best should she do?

Quinn stood with her back to Santana. She hoped that she would not see her signing right away and thus put Rachel in the uncomfortable position of exposing her disability. It was Rachel's call to let Santana know, or to address her in the first place. Watching her girlfriend's face, she saw a whole range of emotions race across Rachel's features.

Quinn tried to figure out how she could best explain her reason for having met at the Coffee Bean, so close to Rachel without actually telling her before.

_Rachel, I am sorry you ran into us unprepared and that I did not tell you Santana and I would be meeting here at the Coffee Bean. I did not want to lose time traveling back and forth across the city, so I suggested this little café. I also managed to rush a bit through my appointments this morning. So I asked Santana if we could meet earlier than planned, because that would also leave more time for you and me to spend with each other. I wanted to surprise you. That's why I did not say anything to you before. I am truly sorry for putting you on the spot. I didn't know… I could not have guessed that you… This is awkward. _

"Yes, it is."

Rachel's eyes were still probing, trying to see if Quinn had another reason to feel caught. Rachel pushed the latter thought away quickly. Her girlfriend's words seemed genuine enough and she felt her resolve loosen up a bit at learning the reason for Quinn and Santana being here. Despite her initial confusion and astonishment, she was happy to see Quinn, even though she had not expected to run into her like that. And Santana, for that matter.

Still, it was a strange situation. She would have liked to hug Quinn and kiss her upon seeing her. Instead, they were standing on the street looking at each other, carefully trying to gauge each other's feelings.

Quinn was not sure if Rachel was mad at her, she kept searching her face with those deep, brown eyes. Then Quinn took a small step towards her. She wanted and needed a physical connection with Rachel. She wanted the insecurity that was hanging like a thick curtain between them to disappear. Tentatively, her hands formed the next question.

_Can I kiss you? _

She was glad when she heard relief woven into the simple: "Yes."

Quickly, she closed the remaining gap between them by pulling Rachel closer. The brunette's eyes closed automatically when Quinn's lips touched hers. She savored the feeling of the soft and tender caress, not caring that it was on open display. Quinn drew back too soon to Rachel's liking and asked:

_What brings you here?_

"I live here Quinn," Rachel stated mockingly with a raised eyebrow. Then felt a bit guilty about the somewhat harsh answer. "Well, actually I am on my way to the supermarket." An involuntary smile appeared on her face. "I wanted to surprise you with dinner. I figured that after such a hectic day and long week, you could use some time to relax," she explained.

That took Quinn by surprise.

"Oh!" _But I have to make it up to you, so I planned on cooking! That was part of our peace treaty, remember? _She added with her hands.

"Well, then we just have to adapt it a bit." Rachel retorted, still displaying the small smile that made Quinn's heart glow a bit.

Quinn gazed at the beautiful face in front of her almost forgetting her other friend was waiting at a small distance away. She glanced over her shoulder and found Santana observing them, clearly wondering what the hell was going on and probably asking herself why Rachel and her would not just walk over and say hello.

_Why don't we go grocery shopping together later? _Quinn paused for a moment, before continuing with another small glance back at Santana.

_She does not know. I have not told her anything about your accident, only about…us being together. Do you want to say hello? If not, it's ok, I'll tell her… something. _She watched Rachel's smile disappear.

Rachel bit her lip, torn between the easy way out and the mature thing to do, namely to face up and say hello to Santana. Even though she felt like turning the other way, she swallowed her unease and tried to brave the new challenge. Even though she was not ready to go all public with her disability, she could at least start to take it step by step and person by person. This seemed to have become her new philosophy. So far, she thought, that tactic had let her make some small progresses.

"No, this would be ridiculous." Rachel stated as answer to Quinn's comment. She stepped around Quinn, tugging her a in the along in the process, courageously walking up to the former Cheerios Co-Captain.

When she stood in front of her, she was intrigued by the curious look the Latina gave her.

"Hello Santana. Nice to see you again." And she bravely mustered a smile.

"Hello Rachel. Good to see you, too!"

Rachel was surprised when Santana hesitatingly bent down a bit to give her a brief hug.

"I am sorry, I did not want to interrupt you two. I was just going to the grocery store." Rachel made a wage movement with her hand down the street.

"It's ok, don't worry, Q and I were saying goodbye anyways." While speaking the last words, Santana slightly moved her head towards Quinn, who had taken up a spot next to her. So the final part of the sentence was lost to Rachel, who wasn't well versed in lip-reading yet anyway. Slowly she cast her eyes on Quinn who took the silent cue and transformed their friend's words into signs.

Santana watched the exchange in silence, her eyes darting between the two women, her brows furrowed. What the hell was going on? Something about both woman's poise and the way Quinn seemed to dance around a certain topic when she had talked to her the other night gave Santana a sinking feeling in her stomach.

"Wait a second," and she pointed between Rachel and Quinn, trying to sort her thoughts. Then her eyes rested on the small, brown-haired woman who patiently watched her with those intense brown eyes, after Quinn had also relayed the last sentence to her in sign language.

"Rachel…." For once, Santana was at a loss for words. She needed a moment for the significance of what she had just witnessed to sink in. Then the little pieces of the puzzle fell into place.

During all those years in school, whenever she had teased Rachel, rolled her eyes at her and just wished she would shut up, she never – _never_ - would have wish for something so life shattering to happen to her. She started to begin to understand what that must have meant to Rachel's dreams. Then she remembered her joke from the other night about Rachel losing her voice. She had not meant anything by it, but now the significance crashed down on her. And now, she understood Quinn's reaction for what it was. She was not hurt because Santana teased her about Rachel, her involuntary reaction had actually come from the fact that Santana had hit the bulls eye with her careless remark.

"Rachel, what on god's earth happened?" Santana finally managed to ask, again witnessing the words being translated by Quinn.

"I lost my hearing in a car accident six months ago." Rachel simply explained and observed the Latina closely. The news really appeared to shock her. Curious. She would not have thought that she would care so much. Or that it would get to her in such a deep way. After all Santana was never one to hold back her opinion and her comments to Rachel had often stung. But, just as it was with Quinn, Rachel always guessed that there was also another side to Santana, that the rough exterior demeanor was just an armor to hide behind. She indeed had a caring side, something that her relationship with Brittany had also borne witness to.

Rachel got the feeling she needed to reassure Santana somehow; which was actually funny, because after all she, Rachel, was the one who was at the greater disadvantage here. She decided not to dwell longer on that notion. The brunette quickly exchanged a look with Quinn and made a small movement with her head towards the cafe.

Quinn nodded and propelled her still stunned high school friend back through the doors of the coffee shop they had exited just a few moments ago. They settled at a table in a corner in front of the big window. Santana sat to Rachel's right and Quinn sat opposite her girlfriend. This way Rachel could see Santana and talk to her, while Quinn would be able to interpret without Rachel having to move her head to much to look from one woman to the other.

Rachel reached out and lightly touched the Latina's arm. "Are you ok, Santana?"

She nodded. "Yes, sorry, I…. Rachel…You're asking me if _I'm_ ok?" Unsure, she turned and looked at Quinn. "I am really sorry. I … "

Rachel furrowed her eyebrows; not knowing what was happening and was relieved when Quinn jumped in.

_She is apologizing._

_Was she talking to me or to you? _Rachel asked by signing.

_I think she was talking to you. I guess she is unsure how she should communicate with you. And she wondered why you would ask her if she was ok, when … _Quinn struggled a bit how to explain the next bit_…. the inflection of her voice indicated that she actually should ask you that._

Rachel swallowed. She was glad Quinn was with her and was very grateful that she also made the effort to explain the subtle detail of Santana's intonation. It made her want to reach out and hug her girlfriend. Even though Quinn was just sitting across from her, it seemed so far away at that moment.

All of a sudden Rachel would have liked to get some physical reassurance that this was ok, that they would manage this situation together. As if sensing her insecurity, Quinn smiled encouragingly, silently telling her that she would be here for her, that she was not alone. It gave Rachel enough courage to reach out and tap Santana, whose attention was still focused on Quinn's hands, lightly on the arm to get her attention.

When the dark eyes rested on her, she shortly explained.

"Santana, please look at me when you are talking to me. I need to see you when we have a conversation. I… I need to see at least your expression and body language. Quinn is interpreting your words in parallel for me. This way I can – more or less - get the whole picture."

"Oh, ok. Sorry, I did not mean any disrespect, Rachel." And this time Santana's eyes did not stray from Rachel's face, which she gratefully noticed. Out of the corner of her eye, she read Quinn's signs and nodded.

"It's ok. I guess…" Rachel shrugged with her right shoulder,"… it is an unusual situation."

Santana exhaled and rubbed her forehead. "Yes, you can say that. "

There was a moment of uncomfortable silence while neither woman knew what to say. Finally, Santana focused her attention on the petit woman again.

"Rachel, I do not know what to say. How do you get along? How … do you manage?" After finishing the sentence her eyes quickly darted to Quinn and back to Rachel.

Rachel shrugged. How much did she really want to share with the Latina? After all, they had not been close friends in school and after that, they had only written each other a couple of e-mails, rather keeping in touch on a superficial level.

"Do you mean by _'how I get along'_ how I get along with Quinn or with my daily life?" She then asked back with a small smirk.

Santana quickly shot Quinn a look before settling her attention back on Rachel. "Quinn spilled all the details about how you met and a little of the mushy stuff as well," Santana teased and waited until Quinn had finished interpreting, watching a little color raise in Rachel's face when mentioning the "mushy stuff".

"I did not tell her any details, Rachel, believe me!" Quinn rushed to comment, holding Rachel's eyes with her own, waiting until her lover nodded. Then she slapped Santana playfully on the arm. "Don't say such things!"

"Ah, come on Q," then turning to Rachel "you should have seen her face and gooey eyes when she was talking about you." She poked her thumb in the blonde's direction. "This woman is head over heels in love. I have never seen her face as radiant as when she mentions your name. She does not need to actually _tell_ me anything. I can see it written all over her face."

Rachel could not help but blush, then mumbled more to herself: "Yes, she can communicate very well without words," and looked up to send a loving smile to Quinn across the table.

Quinn reached out and quickly squeezed her girlfriend's hand.

"Hello, you two lovebirds, I am still here. Save the slobbering for later," Santana reminded them in her own charming way, before sobering up a bit. "Honestly, how do you two manage without Rachel being able to hear? Isn't that hard in a relationship?" Santana was never one to hold back with her honesty and straightforwardness.

Quinn and Rachel exchanged a look. Then Rachel filled in the details about their first meeting that Quinn respectfully had left out. Quinn told Santana that she had followed Rachel to the community center, but not what Rachel was actually doing there. So now Santana learned about their paper and pencil arrangement. Rachel also explained about how Quinn took up ASL lessons, which quite impressed Santana. Now that Rachel had filled her in Santana had to admit to herself that Quinn's reaction to the whole situation let her see her see Quinn in quite a different light.

"Is this sign language hard to learn?" She looked at both women.

This time, Quinn answered. "Well, some signs are pretty easy and quite logical. The difficulty is to piece them all together in a fluent way and also to get used to the syntax and grammar. Basically you don't translate every word, which makes it difficult at first, especially if I am talking and interpreting at the same time." Quinn smiled at Rachel. "Rachel is very patient with me. I am sure often I am not making much sense, so she has to keep her wits together to figure out what the hell I am trying to say."

Rachel had to laugh at that, remembering the "weight-incident", quickly filling Santana in.

"Wow, Quinn, way to go. I thought I was tough, but you really top me. Bringing the weight issue on the table right after your first night, even _I _would not have dared to pull such a stunt."

"Shut up, Santana."

Rachel reached over the table, pulling Quinn's hand close. "No, Quinn is really doing a wonderful job. And I cannot say how grateful I am that she is actually making the effort to learn, besides having a very time consuming job, and other friends to meet once in a while," she then added with a look at Santana.

Santana gazed at Rachel for a long moment. Rachel almost flinched under the scrutinizing look. Whatever came now, Rachel had no idea what was going on in the other head. As easy as it was for her to read Quinn, as difficult it was with Santana.

Then the Latina leaned a little in the smaller woman's direction.

"You know, Rachel, I really admire your perseverance. Letting go of your dreams must have been hard." Rachel only nodded once in acknowledgement, a bit surprised at the words she did not expect. "I am happy for both of you that you found each other. I really am." Then a little smirk appeared on the pretty face. "But tell me, how did you manage to turn Quinn around and make her play for the other team? I would like to get to know the charms you worked on her."

Rachel chuckled and Quinn exclaimed: "Hey Santana! She is mine, hands off!" Seeing Quinn fight for her, even in a light and bantering way with her friend, made her heart glow.

Santana tapped her hand slightly and Rachel turned away from her girlfriend.

"Rachel, I will probably be staying in New York for a while. So, if you ever want someone to talk to and if Quinn is getting on your nerves, because sometimes she can get quite obnoxious…" that earned her another slap from the blonde, "… let me know."

Rachel appreciated the gesture and saw the sincerity behind Santana's teasing words. She was glad she had found the courage to meet the Latina instead of running away. And that Santana offered Rachel her friendship, despite the circumstance, meant a lot to her, even if it took her by surprise.

"Thank you, Santana."

Suddenly Santana jumped in her seat and fumbled at her jeans pocket. Quinn held her forefinger and thumb against her ear and mouth. "Phone's ringing."

Expectantly, both gazed at Santana, who nodded several times and Rachel guessed she made the appropriate accompanying sounds. Then the Latina's face broke out into a wide smile and she looked at Quinn and Rachel, holding one thumb up. Her mouth moved in what seemed to be short sentences of which Rachel did not understand much until Quinn relayed the short conversation. Rachel felt a bit like prying, because the conversation was not directed at her or did concern her, but then again Quinn was also privy of what was spoken, so she swallowed her doubts.

Finally Santana hung up.

"You got the job?" Quinn asked expectantly.

Santana's head bobbed up and down, her smile widening. "Yes!"

In her excitement Quinn threw her arms around her friend, congratulated and hugged her.

While still being embraced by her friend, Santana explained: "I've got it! I can start at the beginning of next week!"

Rachel watched the exchange, not sure what had exactly transpired as Quinn was busy huggging her friend, being happy with her. Rachel suddenly felt self-conscious asking for a translation.

When the two friends disentangled their arms and leaned back in their chairs Rachel caught Santana's eyes.

"You got the job?" She then dared asked, putting words to her interpretation of the previous happy exchange. Santana simply nodded, still grinning. "That is great, Santana," Rachel beamed and congratulated her friend. "Quinn will be happy to have you stay here in the city!"

Santana trained her dark eyes on Rachel, her face serious all of a sudden.

"And what about you, Rachel?"

Rachel lowered her gaze for a moment before connecting again with the dark haired woman. "Well, I'd be glad to see you too, Santana." She honestly stated.

Santana offered a small smile. "Good, Berry, I'm gonna take you up on that. Besides, since you and Quinn are a couple now, it will probably be hard to get you separated!" That last comment, delivered with a teasing smile earned her a third punch from Quinn and a roll of eyes from Rachel.

Santana let herself be hugged by Quinn again before she pushed her chair back.

"Sorry, gotta go, I have to meet my future boss so we can get the contract ready and stuff."

She stood, then bent down again to give Rachel a tight hug, speaking over her shoulder. "I am glad to see you, Rachel. Let's stay in contact, ok?" Quinn smiled as she formed the words.

When Santana had left, she let out a deep, long breath, looked at her girlfriend with some relief and raised an eyebrow as if to say, _that wasn't so bad, was it? _

Rachel just shook her head slightly. Indeed, that had not been too bad. In fact, it was actually quite nice to know that someone else was aware of her condition she did not have to hide from anymore. Even though she had to admit that Santana's reaction and interest in her astonished her somewhat.

_Supermarket?_ Quinn asked then. With a nod, Rachel got up. They gathered their things and exited the coffee shop to stock up on the ingredients they needed for dinner.


	20. Chapter 20

**Glee is not mine. I only borrowed the characters.**

**I have to say I am honestly surprised about all the favorite markings and followers! I never thought my little story would really cause so much interest.**

** Thanks for proving me wrong :-)!  
**

* * *

**Chapter 20**

They prepared dinner in a joint effort, Rachel cutting and slicing, Quinn mixing and spicing the food. While Quinn quickly put some finishing touch to the meal, Rachel took the plates out of the cupboard and placed the cutlery on the counter. She also brought two candles and placed the flowers that she had bought Quinn from a small flower shop on their way back to the apartment right next to them. Rachel had wanted to surprise Quinn with them, but since she had already bump into into her while running her errands, Quinn could choose which flowers she liked best, at least. The flowers had earned her such a sweet kiss and the joy in Quinn's eyes was so infectious that Rachel contemplated buying the whole shop next time.

They sat down to eat and enjoyed the meal in silence for a moment, only interrupted by the occasional "mhm, good" from Rachel praising her girlfriend's cooking.

At one point Quinn put down her fork and Rachel sensed that a question was coming up. Something about Quinn's posture and expression always changed whenever she prepared to ask something meaningful that would cause Rachel to have to reflect about herself again. She felt a bit like she had done quite a soul striptease over the past weeks. Not that she minded, she was actually happy to have Quinn in her life who really cared about her and was always interested to learn about what was preoccupying her. It felt good to get the things out of her mind into the open that had been locked up there for many months. It helped her to order her thoughts and it let her see herself in a clearer light.

Rachel had bared almost all her feelings, doubts and insecurities to the other woman, who in turn had also shared quite a lot about herself, about her emotions, thoughts and motivations. The questions and following discussions were always carried in an understanding and caring way, yet never overbearing or dogmatic. Rachel loved being able to exchange her opinions and feelings on such a level and with such a deep and strong connection to someone.

So she studied Quinn, waiting for her to form the words. The small expectant smile on Rachel's face threw the singer a little off course.

_What?_

"Nothing. I am just waiting for you to pose the question."

_What?_

"I said I am just waiting…" She was interrupted by Quinn's hands.

_I got that the first time. How did you know I wanted to ask you something?_

Rachel chuckled, a bit surprised that Quinn could not guess the obvious.

"Trade secret. Shoot."

Quinn gave her a quizzical look, still not catching on, but decided to get back to the actual question that burned in her mind.

_Want to tell me how your last two days were? You looked so tired and worn out when we Skyped on Wednesday. I was worried about you. _

Rachel's eyes clouded over, knowing full well what Quinn wanted to know. The agreement regarding total honesty was exhausting, sometimes. Well, only when it came to topics that she did not want to discuss, that were still too tender and fragile within her to bring them out into the open. Nevertheless, her mouth poured out the next words.

"Which part do you want to know? The one about meeting my manager or the one about the letters?"

She watched Quinn's slender hand sneak across the counter top and squeeze her own. Rachel laid her fork down and sighed, debating with herself to stall or to face up. Before Quinn could answer, because she held on to her hand for comfort, Rachel gathered her courage and started to explain. However, to her own surprise a completely different topic found its way out of her heart.

"My dad came over for a visit, two days ago. He was on a spontaneous business trip." She saw Quinn nod; after all, she had met him on that same evening as well.

"I told you before that I feel like fish out of the water being around them. It is hard, because we had such a good relationship and now I have the feeling that we just drift further and further apart. They are helpless and don't know how to deal with it - partly because I deliberately don't let them, another part is because for whatever reason they just cannot put themselves into my shoes. It gives me the feeling that they don't care enough. That makes me angry, disappointed, hurt and helpless. It makes me feel abandoned. As if now, that I cannot fulfill my dreams – and respectively theirs, I am just not worth the effort."

The last words rode a wave of sadness that came out of the depth of Rachel's heart.

She noted that Quinn wanted to say something but she needed to get this off her chest. She tried to swallow the lump that had formed in her throat and continued.

"I know they mean well and they don't do things deliberately to hurt me, but their carelessness is just so painful. They keep coming up behind me, hugging me, touching me when I told them a hundred times to not do that."

Exasperated she threw her hands up. "Why is that so difficult to understand and to respect? I guess that is what bothers me the most. I feel like they don't respect my wishes. They only care about themselves and their own display of affection, their plan to let me know they still care. But in the process they completely neglect to check if this is really the best for me or if that is what I want or how I want it! And then this letter just pushed it over the top."

Carefully Quinn pulled her hand back, not moving her green orbs that locked onto the brown eyes which were radiating so many emotions.

She wished she could help mend the relationship between her girlfriend and her dads. Maybe some of her insights could help Rachel understand her dads better and vice versa. They had always been so close and it pained her to see that Rachel could not trust them as much as she used to. Quinn knew how hard it was to go through difficult times without your parent's support. Even though she had had friends and their parents that cared, it still was not the same. In certain situations, you just wanted your mom and dad, you wanted the security they usually radiated. You wanted them to make everything all right again. You were willing to fall back into that age where you still believed that your parents were heroes and could just move the earth for you to make it ok again. As much as she loved Rachel, she could not replace her family. And Rachel needed her family. She needed that safety net.

_Rachel, have you ever told them in detail about how you feel? How their behavior makes you feel? I honestly don't think that they want to hurt you. They have known you all your life, they knew exactly how you ticked, they could read you like an open book. Imagine now, all of a sudden, this book has a different cover and is written in another language. They can snatch bits and pieces by learning that new language, but they still don't get the whole story. And every time they try to read, the book only opens a bit. Only leaving a little crack to glimpse the letters inside. _

"You are supposed to be on my side," Rachel grumbled and glared at Quinn, who smiled a bit to diffuse the situation.

_Rachel, I am on your side. I see how it hurts you for not being able to connect with your dads on the level you used to. I am trying to make you understand their point of view. And I am grateful to have that insight, because you shared so much with me! You opened up for me, you let me read many of the pages in your book. _

"I don't know if I find it flattering to be compared to a book."

That comment made Quinn laugh. _You know what I mean._

"Yes, I do. I actually told them that I would come home for Hanukkah so we could talk. But I am a bit afraid… of what will happen. If anything will change at all, if they understand. Do you know what I mean?"

_Would you like me to come with you? Maybe I can help explain a little, _Quinn offered.

"You would … come with me? You would stay with me when I talk to them?"

Quinn moved her head up and down with a smile.

"Maybe it really helps them to better understand if you can explain some things from your point of view. You know, from hearing person to hearing person. They can also discuss with you how they feel. I am sure that this might also give them some insights and help." A hopeful spark glittered in Rachel's eyes.

Quinn gave her girlfriend a quick hug.

_Of course I will come with you! I am glad that you decided to have an honest talk about this with them. I know how important they are to you and how much you suffered from that missing connection. Believe me, I know how much you wish for you parents to be there for you in a situation like this. _

She let her hands sink into her lap. Rachel had asked her once during the past days how it had been for her not having her parents around during her pregnancy. Of not having the possibility to lean on someone, to have him or her tell you that together you would manage, that you would find a solution. Quinn had answered honestly and explained how she had felt. How this feeling of abandonment was still not completely out of her system. She could understand Rachel in her current situation quite well.

Rachel reached out and cupped her lover's face, slowly pulling her forward until their lips touched. "Thank you, Quinn." She murmured against the soft and full mouth. "Actually, I liked your analogy to a book." And she stole a tender kiss from Quinn, hoping that the topic would be closed. She slowly pulled back and searched her girlfriend's face.

No such luck. Quinn had _that_ look on her face again.

_What about the letters?_

Rachel let out a deep breath and shrugged. "They are from my ENT specialist. They keep asking me to come back. They want to check on my healing process."

She saw that Quinn was patiently waiting for a somewhat elaborate explanation. She did not know what to say. Instead, she just fiddled with her fork and pushed the left over pasta back and forth on her plate.

In her heart, she knew she should talk about it, face this fear and hope. But something held her back. Some inner force seemed to tell her if she voiced it out loud, the spell would be broken and all hope lost. Rachel knew this was ridiculous, just from talking about something did not necessarily mean that something had to happen. So she forced herself to express her thoughts quietly, almost as if talking to herself, her eyes trained on the countertop, tracing the wood pattern on the surface with her forefinger.

"Don't know what healing process they want to check on."

Quinn stayed silent, watching an inner debate taking place in her girlfriend's mind. Even though she did not share the words with Quinn right away, the blond woman could still decipher the emotions that picked their way across Rachel's features.

_Well, are you planning to ever go back for a check-up?_ Quinn then cautiously asked.

"No. What for? So they can tell me that I still can't hear? Thanks, I already know that. God, I just sound like someone from one of those pathetic movies."

Quinn studied her girlfriend, trying to decide if she should ask the next question. She reached out and placed her hand over Rachel's. The brunette looked up.

_Rachel, I don't want to pressure you. It is your choice. But don't you want to know if you are healing? Maybe the progress is not so far that you can notice, but it might be there!_

Rachel pulled her hand back to sign.

_And then what? And what if it is not there? I cannot get my hopes up just for them to be crushed again. I have gone through that twice already. Twice, Quinn! After each operation, hoping, waiting, praying. And then crashing hard on the floor of reality, realizing that it was all for nothing. _

Her hands were angrily slapping against each other while signing.

_How great are my chances now to get my hearing back? What do you think? Do you really think that after all this time I still have a chance? I don't, not really. And I cannot waste any more energy on that. I need all my energy and strength to face my life now. To find out what to do with it. I am getting tired of mourning. I finally have the feeling I want to move on._

Quinn contemplated her statement.

_Why are they the insisting on seeing you? They must have thought there was some hope, otherwise they would not have operated you a second time and would not urge you to come back._

Rachel watched Quinn with dark eyes. She gave words to her thoughts. This sentence had run through her own mind countless times.

But after the last operation her specialist had also told her something else, something that not even her dads knew about. Something that she did not want to think about.

She would not go. She could not endure the final words of a doctor to tell her that there possibly was no hope anymore. That they had done all they could. She hated to admit it, but the words she had earlier spoken were not quite true. On the one hand, yes, she wanted to move on, but on the other hand, this little, small amount of hope inside her was the token that kept her alive all these months. Hope to hear again one day. She could not voice it. Not yet. She just could not admit that in front of anyone, betraying her own brave words she had thrown at Quinn mere minutes ago. She wanted this discussion to end.

Quinn sensed Rachel's reluctance, but she desperately needed to know what was going on in that head of hers. Though it was obviously a topic that was not easy for her to discuss, which she could understand. She decided to let it drop and let Rachel choose on her own when to take it up again.

_Ok, I can understand where you are coming from. Let us..._

Expecting Quinn to press further on the topic, Rachel interrupted her by smacking her flat palm on the counter top, shooting her an angry glare. Quinn was taken aback. She had not seen Rachel react like this before.

_Rachel, I don't… _But Quinn had no chance to explain.

"Enough! I'm done discussing!" Rachel jumped up, her chair toppling over. She took a few steps away from Quinn to get some distance between them. Then a thought struck her and she turned around.

_Are you asking me to go to a check-up because you are hoping that I can hear again, that you don't have to be burdened with a deaf girlfriend? _

She furiously signed, but as soon as she saw the color drain from Quinn's face, she regretted her harsh words. Rachel saw Quinn's eyes shimmer with hurt.

The blond woman closed her eyes for a second and took a deep breath.

"That was low, Rachel," Quinn whispered, her voice choked, her signs hardly readable.

_Quinn, I am sorry!_

Quinn did not see her apology. She leaned on her hands, looking down at the table. Then she raised her head.

_Do you think I would go through this whole song and dance of learning ASL, of wearing earplugs to better understand what you are going through if my only motivation was to get a medical opinion that says that you could hear again? That this was the only thing that counted for me? That this was the only condition why I would want you as my girlfriend? Have you not understood that I love you for who you are and not what you are? Hearing or not. _

A tearful gaze searched Rachel's face.

_I don't know how else I can show you that I love you just the way your are. I just don't know how Rachel, if all that was not enough._

Quinn slid back her chair and pushed herself up, avoiding further eye contact.

"Quinn, I am sorry." Rachel repeated aloud this time, but it did not reach behind Quinn's hurt.

_Rachel, I need a moment alone._ And she went to the bedroom and closed the door.

Rachel stood rooted to the spot, her eyes on the door that felt like a trapdoor that just had closed over her, leaving her in a very dark, lonely and confined space. She felt her knees grow weak and sat on the floor right where she was, wrapping her arms around her stomach, trying to still the gut wrenching sobs that found their way up to her throat. She could not think, she could not move. All she could do was feel the fear and hurt that seemed to fill her whole heart.

She slowly rocked back and forth, somehow trying not to break down completely. Because this time there would be no one to catch her. Because the one person she had cared about most, she had pushed away with a spitefulness that had shocked even herself. She might as well have taken a dagger and pierced it through Quinn's heart. She was sure that this would have caused the same pain as her words did.

Rachel absolutely loathed herself at that moment. She hated the meanness that had found its way up, the resentment and the whole fucking deafness that had made her to be such a weak and insecure person.

Why had she uttered those cruel and hurtful words? Why had this vicious little voice in her head which she had had such a good grip on over the past days all of a sudden gained control again? Why had she _let_ it control her again when all she had ever received from Quinn over the past weeks was complete and absolute acceptance? With that last thought, all the love she had been given washed through her again. She held on to it, forcing it to fill every crevice of her body, every fiber until all the doubts were drenched with it and could not hold fort anymore.

.….

Quinn lay on her side on the bed, tears sliding silently down her cheeks, dripping on the blanket below her. She tried to control her breathing, to focus on one breath after the other in order to not drown in that gut wrenching pain that shot through her.

In a way, she could understand where Rachel's comment came from. Even though she had already made progress through meeting friends, going out more, she still had to fight hard every day to accept her loss. Besides Quinn telling and showing her over and over how much she loved and accepted her just the way she was, Rachel herself still had to keep learning to accept _herself_ that way as well.

Nevertheless, the words had stung. Very much. They had knocked the air out of her lungs and Quinn felt as if an iron band had been placed around her chest, squeezing it tight. Of course Quinn would be happy if Rachel could get her hearing back, then she could take up a normal life, maybe even pursue her dreams again. And if she knew how, she would do anything to help her achieve this. But wanting did not necessarily mean she could make it come true.

How could she show Rachel that she loved her more than her own life? Quinn had never thought herself to be capable of loving someone so much. She knew for a long time that she was in love with Rachel, at least since Jenna put words to her confusing feelings. That she would fall even more and deeper in love with this beautiful woman with the mahogany eyes was something that showed her one of the greatest lessons in life.

Genuine and true love could indeed conquer everything. It could overcome doubts, fears, insecurities, hate and shame. Maybe one day Rachel would also see, that love could overcome the greatest hurdle.

Self-depreciation.

It was the most destructive force that existed in a human being. It could be like a black hole that sucked up every light and live around it. She did not want Rachel to fall into that hole, and not for anything in the world would she let her.

* * *

**RachelBabraBerry: Another cliffhanger ... sorry! Rant, if you must :-)**

**Gllover22: That's in the works ...**


	21. Chapter 21

**Glee and its character belong to Fox Networks. I only borrow them for my story. **

**Though Carmen and the other new character coming up jumped out of my brain :-)**

**Appologies for the long wait. The next chapter will come a bit quicker, I promise!**

* * *

**Chapter 21**

Quinn got up from the bed, straightened her hair, and took a deep breath. She opened the door and almost ran into Rachel who was poised in the doorway, one hand raised as if wanting to knock.

Both women stood still, only their eyes were moving, roaming each other's face, each of them exuding longing, regret, and hope.

Slowly Rachel let her arm sink. "I am sorry, Quinn. I truly am. You showed me nothing but love, acceptance, and support all this time. I was wrong to accuse you of such a horrible intention. I feel really ashamed about what I said to you." All the time she held Quinn's gaze, trying hard not to look away and waver. Quinn really needed to understand how she felt and that she meant every word of what she said.

"You gave me back my self-worth. I have learned to see myself from a different perspective because of you. I learned that if you open yourself up, anything is possible. Any obstacle can be tackled. You offer me an anchor and still you let me venture forward, you helped me stand and still you did not stand in my way. Your love made me grow. It gives me clarity and helps me see beyond outer layers. I have started to like the picture I see of me reflected in your eyes."

Her words caused the pain in Quinn's eyes to lift, as if dark clouds were chased away by a strong wind. Rachel found herself enfolded into a warm embrace and she did not hesitate to wrap her arms around the other body. She leaned her head against Quinn's shoulder and tightened her embrace. She felt Quinn place a soft kiss on her hair, one hand on the small of her back, pressing Rachel against her taller frame. Quinn's other hand rested between the smaller woman's shoulder blades. Rachel felt that through these two hands, through that loving kiss and the tight embrace, the doubts and fears did not have any chance to re-surface.

The strong arms around her loosened. Rachel lifted her head and gazed into Quinn's beautiful face. She desperately wanted the light back in Quinn's eyes and even though the heavy dark clouds had disappeared, the color of her eyes was still a shade of green that reminded Rachel of a storm shaken forest.

Quinn then slowly drifted backwards and motioned for Rachel to come and sit on the bed with her. Rachel felt her girlfriend's fingers slide along her arm until a hand held hers, and she let herself gently being pulled onto the mattress. She seated herself cross legged in front of Quinn who gave her a shaky smile, apparently still moved by Rachel's words.

_I am sorry that I pushed you into a direction you did not want to go. _

Quinn rested her hands for a moment. Rachel noticed that Quinn could not fight back the tears she had so bravely managed to hold until now. Then she watched Quinn's thoughts and feelings being transformed into signs.

_I will let you choose your own pace and not force anything upon you. Just know that I will do whatever it takes to help you grow further and stand up tall. _

She paused again to wipe her eyes. Rachel felt her own tears wind their way across her cheeks, one hand of hers rested on Quinn's knee as she watched the other woman's hands move through the air between them.

_Thank you. Thank you for what you said. They… They are the most wonderful, touching and meaningful words anyone has ever told me. It makes me love you so much more, god … _she took a deep and shuddering breath _… I wish I could tell you how much I love you, Rachel. _

With those words, a small smile appeared on Quinn's face, she bent forward, and Rachel felt her place a very soft and gentle kiss on her lips. Instinctively she leaned against the soft flesh, placing her hand on Quinn's neck, losing herself in the tender exchange.

It would have been easy to back out now and leave the whole episode at that. But Rachel knew, she had to tell Quinn the whole truth, she had to be completely honest for Quinn to understand what had made her react in such a way. Even if it meant digging up things that she would like to keep buried for a while longer or never mention at all.

"Quinn, we agreed that we need to be honest with each other and that we need to understand what is going on in each other's heads." The blond woman gave a nod.

"I carried a couple of things in my mind these last days that kept accumulating and when you touched upon it, it just made me flip." Rachel rubbed her forehead with her right hand, trying to sort her thoughts. "Yesterday wasn't such a good day. It threw me back into my old life, only noticing that it did not exist anymore. I learned how others might perceive my disability and… and it just made me sick. Had I known what would be thrown right into my face, I would have never agreed to go." She let out a short cold laugh.

"I told you I met my former manager. Sharon wrote me an e-mail, asking me how I was and there were things we needed to discuss, which should not be dealt with via e-mail. I did not want to see her. I just didn't get what she wanted from me. When Sharon still insisted on seeing me personally, I finally agreed to a meeting and I asked Carmen to accompany me as an interpreter."

_Did Sharon know about your accident?_

Rachel nodded. "Yes. I had – well, someone had to tell her at some point. I needed to get all the contracts revoked. She and Melissa were the only ones from my professional field who knew what had happened. It sounds a little paranoid but I made them both sign an agreement that they had to keep silent about my injuries. I would not have been able to stand all the stupid and false headlines with all the drama and fake sympathies should they have made a public announcement. Also, I did not want my colleagues or anyone else from the show business to pity me and then see them turn around and walk back to their lives that I once shared but could not go back to."

Quinn scooted next to her girlfriend and wrapped her arms around her waist. Rachel leaned into her and let herself be held for a long moment as she remembered the meeting and then told Quinn what had happened on that day.

…/\_.…...(Flashback)…../\….._

Carmen had re-arranged her schedule so she could accompany Rachel to her meeting. A couple of days ago, Quinn had confessed to Rachel that she told Carmen about her having been a singer on Broadway before the accident. Rachel had not been angry, in fact, the look on Quinn's face when she came clean about her slip of tongue was so cute and so full of guilt that Rachel just had to kiss her.

The fact that Carmen was now aware of Rachel's history made it easier to ask her to interpret at the meeting. It saved Rachel a long explanation about her own background and what this upcoming meeting had to do with her former career. Now she only needed to fill Carmen in about Sharon's role.

In the cab, on their way to Rachel's former manager, Carmen asked if she was nervous. Out of a habit, Rachel signed in parallel while she spoke with Carmen and vice versa, just as they did during their lessons.

"Yes, I am. I don't know what she wants that could not be discussed via e-mail."

_Well, maybe she would just like to see you in person, Rachel. Maybe she is still worried about you._

"Yeah, well, rather about her contracts, I think."

_Why, are there still any open contract issues?_

Rachel shook her head. "No. I mean any new potential ones. She probably wants to see if I could be used again."

_Used again? _The young woman watched Carmen give her a questioning look. _That sounds like you were some kind of tool. Isn't that a bit harsh?_

Rachel sighed. "Yeah, I guess. I just … I don't know. You know, I chose Sharon because I knew she was one of the best. She had the best contacts, the best connections. In this business nothing works without 'Vitamin C'. Once you were introduced into this elaborate network and made your standing, you were lucky. The toughest thing though is getting in first. With someone like Sharon, your chances increase immensely to be welcomed into that inner circle." The petite woman let her eyes drift from Carmen's face to the window, watching several cars go by before she turned her attention back to her.

"Sharon could be a bitch if you crossed her on a personal level. Luckily, I was mostly on good terms with her. But just because I was one of the best horses in her stable. It would be a lie to say that she did not earn good money through me." Rachel gave a bitter laugh. "But that's what it's like in this business. Either you perform at your best, or you drop quicker than a bag of stones. It's all about the money and not about the person behind it. And I am guessing that is what this meeting will be about."

She turned her head and looked out of the window again. She wished Quinn were here with her. Her presence would give her comfort and strength. But she had not even told her girlfriend that she would meet her manager, somehow feeling that she had to do this on her own. This meeting brought her closer in touch with her past than anything else during the past months. She was not sure how well she would stomach it. Maybe she had also chosen to not tell Quinn anything about it because she would certainly want to know how it went. And Rachel might need some time to digest it, wanting to choose her own timing for a talk about this topic.

She became aware of a hand on her arm, reluctantly turning her attention back to Carmen.

_Rachel, you always have the choice to turn around. You don't have to do this. Even if we go inside, you can choose to walk out at any moment. Don't forget that you are in charge of you own life, even in such moments, ok?_

Rachel had to let the words sink in before she could answer. "I know. Thank you for reminding me," and she managed a small smile for her teacher. After having met Santana the other day, she now noticed some resemblance between the two women. The black hair, the slender figure, the dark eyes. She would have to ask Quinn if Carmen also reminded her of Santana.

Thinking of her former high school friend made her wonder what she was doing. Would she need an apartment here? What had Quinn said? She currently lived with her relatives. Well, it was nice that they took her in, but Rachel guessed – knowing Santana – that this was only a temporary solution. Staying in New York City and being the independent spirit she was, Santana would probably not be happy living long under her aunt's supervision, especially not at her age. Maybe she and Quinn could help Santana find a place to stay.

The cab stopped at the curb and Rachel was plucked from her musings. She dug out her wallet and paid the fare after reading the amount in the review mirror where the sum was displayed in red digital numbers. She told the driver to keep the change and noticed that he threw her a strange look as if wondering which of the two women now were deaf.

It was strange to enter the familiar building where her former manager had her office. She clamped down the memories that threatened to appear before her inner eye. It would have been easy imagining she was just on her way to sign another contract for the next performance. Rachel shook her head slightly to not head down that road. It would make facing reality just too much harder.

They took the elevator to the sixth floor. Walking down the hallway, Rachel stopped in front of a glass-encased entry. Behind it, one could see a receptionist's desk and some offices to the right and left down a corridor behind the counter. Bracing herself, Rachel breathed deeply and pulled the door open. Apparently, Rose, the former receptionist had retired, as she had planned for the past two years Rachel had known her. Just as well that the new person did not know her. Less to explain.

She bravely walked up to the woman who was sitting like a gatekeeper at the beginning of the hallway behind her huge desk that easily could have fitted two other people without any of them having to worry about space.

When she had the woman's attention, she gave her name and stated whom she was here to see.

"Good morning, I am Rachel Berry and I have an appointment with Mrs. Basont." She tried to pronounce the last name correctly in French, the way Sharon always had insisted on when introducing herself to someone.

Rachel guessed that behind the woman's lip movements were words along the line of "one moment", as she bent her head and glanced at the calendar in front of her. Then she reached for the phone as one of the doors in the back opened. Rachel noticed Sharon step out and the older woman lifted her hand shortly greeting when she saw her. She said something and the receptionist gestured the two waiting women in the direction of the offices.

The tall, grey haired woman held the door open and invited them inside with a gesture.

"Hello Sharon. Good to see you again," Rachel smiled politely. The difference in age and the greying hair gave her a slight motherly touch. Even though Rachel did not let herself be deterred by her appearance. Sharon was one of the toughest businesswomen Rachel knew.

She watched Sharon step closer, as if unsure if she could approach Rachel. Interesting. The brunette had never seen her waver before, she usually was always in control of a situation. Now she seemed to be waiting for Rachel to make the next step. For her benefit, Rachel replaced the polite smile with a genuine one. That seemed to send the right signal as the other woman closed the gap and gave Rachel a quick hug and a warm smile. Then she turned towards Carmen.

"Sharon, this is Carmen Rodalba. She is my… ASL teacher and she will be my interpreter today," Rachel stated cautiously and quietly. At her last words, she saw Sharon's face fall for the tiniest bit, recovering so quickly that she almost thought she had imagined it. Her ex-manager wouldn't expect that she was ok again, or would she? Rachel had the notion that her original gut feeling she had voiced in the cab did seem to be right.

The two other women briefly shook hands and Carmen raised her hands to relay the short exchange to her student.

"Nice to meet you."

Sharon turned back towards Rachel and motioned for them to sit on the couch next to the office door. Rachel chose the offered seat, but Carmen took up the seat next to Sharon. This way she could easily interpret while Rachel had both of them in her view. The former singer noticed that this action earned her a sideways look from the manager, so the interpreter quickly explained why she had chosen this seat. What the older woman then thought about the seating arrangement, she did not let on. Instead she turned her attention back to Rachel.

"Rachel, I am glad you came. I did not want to write any more e-mails. I wanted to see for myself how you were." She quickly glanced at Carmen and waited the short moment until she had relayed her words.

Seeing the dubious look on the young woman's face she added as a way of explanation: "Please don't get me wrong, I have no hidden agenda or any other intentions."

Rachel narrowed her eyes a little, trying to gauge the meaning behind the words. She remembered what Carmen had said in the cab.

_She_ was in control of her life. Whenever she felt uncomfortable, she could chose to go. Or use this situation to her advantage. This thought surprised her. Why did she have the feeling that something was off, that Sharon was not really saying the truth?

She raised her hands. _Carmen, I need your help. Please describe to me how she sounds. She is hard to read and I am not sure…I have a strange feeling. _

Instinctively Carmen had not voiced Rachel's signs aloud and also responded in silence.

_Follow your instincts. I know what you mean, but I cannot pinpoint it. Trust your feelings, Rachel. _

_Ok. Though I don't feel like talking. I have the feeling of … I don't know, exposing myself._

_Rachel, that is absolutely ok. I'll speak for you._

Rachel nodded gratefully, then looked at Sharon and continued signing, while Carmen spoke Rachel's little half lie aloud.

"(I am sorry, Sharon, Carmen needed to repeat something for me, she was a bit fast just now.)"

Sharon nodded at that, apparently slightly confused why Rachel did not speak herself as she had done so just minutes ago. At least that was what Rachel deducted from the short flicker of Sharon's eyes between her hands and Carmen. The former singer wondered if Sharon was aware of her raised eyebrow which also hinted at her lack of understanding. Rachel continued signing, while Carmen spoke the words for her.

"(To be honest, I was wondering why you wanted to see me in person. Just to know how I am? That I could have written to you in an e-mail.)"

Sharon's grey eyes rested on Rachel's features. She did not say anything at first, just kept on looking. Rachel tried not to squirm beneath the scrutiny.

Her life, her control, she reminded herself. Right.

So Rachel studied her back, narrowing her eyes slightly. She noticed again that Sharon seemed uncomfortable. How could that be? This woman possessed one of the strongest self-control mechanisms that Rachel had ever witnessed. Though she was sure that Sharon would not tolerate that feeling for much longer. Something would tip, either way. And just as this last notion had formed itself, Sharon spoke again.

"You know, Rachel, I was always surprised about your performance. As petite as you are, as strong and grand was your voice. Judging by your vocal range and pitch, you should stand a lot taller than the actual size you are," Sharon chuckled.

Rachel only quirked her eyebrow, wondering what this was about and where Sharon was heading. The smile that followed Sharon's chuckle did not reach her eyes and that worried Rachel. Sharon had never been mean to her. Tough, yes, but never mean or unfair. But Rachel had witnessed twice by chance how Sharon could react if someone went against her or angered her in any other way. She was just glad to never have been on the receiving end of those verbal smack downs. Back then she had thought that Sue Sylvester was a tame poodle compared to Sharon Basont.

The younger woman exchanged a quick glance with her teacher. Apparently, Carmen was as uncomfortable with the situation as she was. Rachel narrowed her eyes and studied Sharon again, not saying anything. Instinctively she tried to shield herself from whatever was coming next. She debated whether to just stand up and leave. But her curiosity won the better of her as her former manager continued speaking.

"Well, I guess that's irrelevant now," the older woman sighed. She added an explanation as she noticed Rachel's questioning look.

"You know, people are asking about you. They have not forgotten you. Yet. I know a lot about the little tactics of actors to get attention and play out the drama to make themselves interesting. I can understand all this, you taking time off because of your accident and making a big secret out of it. Don't get me wrong, I am not implying you faked the crash, god, no! But really, don't you think it's about time to come out of your hiding and stop the act?" With the last words, Sharon made a dismissive gesture in Carmen's direction.

"What?" In her astonishment at those words, Rachel was too stunned to sign. Slowly she moved her head in a small shake, disbelief covering her features. "Let me get that straight. You think I am just _pretending_? To make a big come back?"

She was torn between laughter and white hot rage. How could this woman sit there so calmly and accuse her of faking all this? That she had "done" all this just to get more attention in the lime light? Rachel still felt it hard to believe that any person would think of such a hideous thing, let alone Sharon. Rachel did not doubt that there really were singers or actors who had to invent personal drama to place themselves in the hard fought spot light. For whatever reason would she, just when she had snatched the lead role in her all-time favorite musical, pull such a stunt that Sharon accused her of? It was beyond Rachel. If to go by Carmen's raised eyebrows and open stare, she apparently felt the same.

She definitely did not feel like laughing anymore. The rage won over.

"Sharon, do you really think I am _faking_ all this," she made a gesture towards her right ear and then to Carmen, "…to make myself more interesting? Have you any idea what I have been through the past six months? I can't believe what you are implying!"

Rachel held her gaze locked on the grey eyes opposite of her. They betrayed no feelings. None at all. It was so frustrating!

Then Sharon's lips moved again and Rachel had to shift her gaze again a little to the side towards Carmen's hands.

"Rachel, honestly. You come here, play this deaf act, bring an interpreter and yet you sit here and talk to me in your normal voice and ask me to believe that you can't hear what I am saying? In any case I really thought you would have gotten your act together by now. Turns out it does not seem to be. If it's not for the sake of drama and attention, then the only other reason I could think of you playing this ruse is to get out of your contracts with me. You are just probably biting your tongue now so you can come back after a decent amount of time with whoever offered you more money or better conditions or whatever. You know what, I the hell don't care anymore. I don't know how far you want to carry this out, but for me," and she made a sweeping movement with her flat hand away from her body, "this game is over here! I am done with you." She finished with a very quick, cold smile flitting across her face.

Rachel's eyes went wide in disbelief as she read Carmen's translation. She felt her stomache clench, her breath caught in her throat. Rachel had expected many things, but not this. She tried to keep on breathing.  
So that was how it felt to be despised by Sharon Basont. Because it was nothing other she felt in the words, posture, gaze and most probably sound of this woman's voice. She noticed that Sharon wanted to say more, but Rachel stalled her with a raised hand, not leaving Carmen's eyes. She had to reassure herself. It was more to give her hands something other to do than clenching them so hard in her lap that they started hurting. In her heart she knew she had understood correctly.

_Carmen, did she really say this? I am not sure if I got it right._

Carmen hesitated just a moment too long with her answer. Rachel knew that she had not misread the words.

_Yes. She did say it. Word by word. I am sorry Rachel._ The teacher threw her an apologetic smile.

The petite woman held her gaze for a moment longer, then nodded very slowly. She forced herself to hold up a shield, to repel the hurtful words the older woman had thrown at her. She would not give in. She would not break down in front of this woman.

Rachel took a deep breath.

"Do you think this is some kind of game? That I did this to get out of your contracts or just draw more attention to myself with a little drama? What do you want me to do, show you all the hospital records?" Rachel shook her head in disbelief. "Honestly, just because I can still speak, does not necessarily mean I can hear. I have trained my voice for all my life. That is the _only_ reason why I might not 'sound' deaf now. But believe me, I have been told that this will most probably deteriorate over time. I possibly will lose some of my ability to inflect my voice correctly the longer I can't hear. What kind of person are you really, Sharon, to think I would put my life's dream on the line just for one fucking little game of fame?"

Despite her inner force shield, Rachel could barely manage to hold the tears in check. She had not told Quinn what she had just told Sharon. The fact that her intonation might suffer over time was something that was chewing hard inside her. She had not wanted to speak much before, but now with Quinn in her life, she actually enjoyed the little advantage she still had by using her voice and seeing how her girlfriend reacted to it. She did not want to lose this part, too.

Inwardly, Rachel berated herself for having taken bait to the provocation the manager had thrown in front of her. She should have gotten up at the first hint of false play that _that woman_ had displayed. Rachel refused to call her by her name anymore, even in her thoughts. She did not deserve it anymore. Sharon Basont had become a _persona non grata _to Rachel.

Rachel had not expected an answer nor did she want to get one. She was done. Without preamble, she took her purse, stood, mustered a smile for Carmen and strode out the door.

While exiting the building and all during the cab ride back, Rachel still had to fight hard to hold the emotions back from overwhelming her. She was glad that Carmen did not try to address her. She needed all her strength to continue breathing and biting down the tears that hovered at the rim of her eyes. The car dropped them in front of the Community Center and Carmen pulled Rachel inside her office.

The shield Rachel still had bravely held up her with the last reserve dropped there and Sharon's words that had been hovering just outside her reach then hit full mark. Rachel could not stop them from drilling through her skin. She sank into the chair in front of Carmen's desk and buried her face in her hands, letting go of her resolve.

The dark haired woman knelt in front of Rachel and pressed her head against her shoulder, holding her while she cried.

Carmen was a teacher first and foremost. She only worked as an official interpreter in rare cases. She had agreed to come with Rachel because she was her student and because she truly wanted to support her.

Carmen had watched her finally escape her cocoon and slowly make new friends over the past weeks, gradually fighting her way back into life. She wanted to help in any case for Rachel to broaden her experience. However, no one could have guessed that this meeting would turn out the way it had. It was hard having to witness Rachel to face such viciousness and thoughtlessness. And having to be the one person who had to relay the hurtful words to her one by one. That really pained Carmen. She almost felt like she had said them. Another reason why she did not work more often as an interpreter. She could not detach herself enough from the conversations. It was sometimes too hard.

When Rachel's sobs died down, the teacher grabbed a box of tissues from her desk and held it in front of her.

"Thanks." The small woman wiped her eyes, then balled the tissue in her fist, staring at her lap. With a shaky voice she said: "Thank you for coming with me and for interpreting. I am sorry that I involved you in this very awkward situation, though."

_Oh, Rachel, please don't apologize for that! You couldn't have known that this woman would be such a heartless bitch. This is not our fault, ok? _

Rachel gave her a small nod.

_Come here,_ and Carmen gave her student a hug, before continuing.

_As hard as this is, don't let that throw you back. You have come so far over the past two weeks, I don't want you to fall back into a depressive state. If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know. If you want to talk about this, come to me or call me on Skype. No matter what the time. Just promise me you won't let that selfish harpy get the better of you. _

_You are strong, Rachel. And you will find you way. _

Despite herself the former actress had to smile. "Ok." She looked at the clock on the wall. "I think I should get going, I have taken up enough of your time already. Thank you again, for coming with me. See you tomorrow at ten."

Slowly she got up, gathered her things and walked home, longing for her sanctuary. She needed to get back her bearings and for this day she was done with meeting people.

…/\.../\...

Rachel shifted her position on the bed and stretched her legs. She took one of Quinn's hands and absentmindedly rubbed her thumb over the back of it.

"Now you know why I was not really in the best of moods yesterday evening when you called me. I was short of not answering your call at all. I just wanted to be left alone, I did not want to have to justify or explain myself anymore."  
She laughed in disbelief. "Of all treatments I have experienced by people since I became deaf, this one was the most humiliating of all. I felt ridiculed beyond means. Just because at a fist glance you cannot always see my kind of disability that does not make it less prominent, at least not for the person suffering from it. Apparently, if you do not act or look or sound according to some people's expectations when having any kind of handicap, you seem to be a fraud." She took a deep breath.

"I mean, I knew that woman could be mean and nasty, but that was just shameless." Rachel felt the anger coming back when she thought of the elder woman's pokerface, bare of emotions. "How can anyone be so … ruthless? She didn't even know all the facts, just jumped to conclusions, this … this…" She failed to come up with a fitting attribute and let out an angry and frustrated: "Ugh!," hitting the mattress with her fist.

Quinn slowly pulled her hand back after squeezing Rachel's shortly and disentangled herself from her. Quinn hurt for Rachel, hurt for her having had to face such callousness. She felt a cold white rage coming to life in her stomach. It was a familiar feeling. Quinn had tried to not act on its impulse anymore over the past years as she so often had done in high school, and she had almost always managed to vanquish it and solve the situation by other means than by lashing out. But now it was welcome and she let it grow inside. She had a target that deserved to be the aim of that anger and hurt.

She saw the disbelief and pain still shimmer in those brown eyes and she desperately wanted to rip Sharon Basont's heart out, had she had one.

* * *

**JPElles: I tried to read the article you mentioned, but the site always froze, still I'll keep trying, sounds very interesting. Anyway, during the search for it I came across some other interesting articles regarding the capabilities of human hearing in regards to judge and measure sounds in terms of distances and different pitches etc.. That was quite fascinating to read. Thanks for pointing that original article out to me!**


	22. Chapter 22

**I don't own Glee and never will. It still belongs to Fox. Though I take the liberty to weave in one or the other character of my own :-).**

**Thanks again for all your reviews, marking the story as favorite and for continuing to follow our two ladies' path through life and love... **

**I still enjoy writing the story, so I will carry on a bit :-) (even though I have not as much time as I wish, and I definitely need to cut down on my nightly writing sessions. Again this chapter kept me up more than one night until 2 am or later, the alarm clock just 4 -5 hours away from going off...) **

**I am even too tired to yawn... **

**Hope you still enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter 22**

By the time Rachel had finished telling her about the meeting, Quinn had written "fury" on her forehead. The anger that had risen inside her would not let her sit still anymore. She jumped up and started pacing back and forth in front of the bed, hardly capable of containing her anger. Rachel watched her utter a string of words so fast that her hands struggled to keep up with the tirades of swearwords and insults for Sharon Basont.

"That insensible, incredibly hollow brained woman, that bitch! How dare she talk to you like that? She should lose her hearing and see how she would cope if someone accused her of faking it! I can't believe she really said that, I am going to beat the crap out of her, I swear, Rachel!"

"Quinn, stop!"

"I will talk to my manager and let her know what a stupid ass Sharon is. This will have consequences. I…."

"Quinn, please stop!" The pleading in Rachel's voice finally penetrated the blond woman's shield of wrath.

Rachel watched her with big, brown eyes, a mixture of confusions and sadness on her face.

In all her ranting, Quinn had not paid attention to face Rachel so she had not gotten all of what Quinn was saying, or rather shouting, by the looks of it. But she saw enough to piece together the meaning of her girlfriend's raving. Before Quinn could say anything else, Rachel stretched out her arm in a silent plea for Quinn to join her on the bed.

Apparently, she had vented off enough steam to gather herself and sit down opposite the still somewhat worried Rachel.

"Quinn, please calm down. Let's not waste any more energy on what happened. This is over. It's done with. I had a bad feeling from the beginning, but I went to that meeting nevertheless. Now I know I should have trusted my intuition. But whatever happened, we cannot change it, so let us please not waste any more time with thoughts on that woman."

Quinn eyed Rachel with an incredulous look on her features. This time Quinn kept facing Rachel so she could see her word's translation.

"How can you sit there and be so calm about it? I still think Sharon should be told what a brainless twit she is!" She was too aggravated to just sign in silence and shouted the words aloud as well.

"No, Quinn! You will only hurt yourself with that. She has powerful connections in the business. Don't ruin your career for that. It's enough that she thinks that I'm capable of such foul and lousy play."

"But this bitch, how dare she accuse you of such a thing? How can she think anyone would _pretend_ to be deaf? And how can you not want to show her what a fucking asshole she is? Why do you let her do this with you?" Again Quinn's fingers struggled to keep up with her talking. It was still difficult for her to coordinate her hands and voice at the same time, especially if she was upset.

"Because whatever I do, it will not change her mind. Whatever I do, she will turn it that way that I will still stand as the fool. Honestly, I don't have the energy to fight her, neither do I see a reason for it." Rachel's shoulders slumped a bit. "Let her think what she wants. I for my part know that this is _not_ a game."

Quinn studied Rachel for a moment. Then another thought struck her and she quietly signed it.

_You think this will have repercussions for you?_

Rachel flinched ever so slightly. Barely visible, but for the fraction of a second her eyes flickered down before latching onto Quinn's green orbs again.

"I don't know. It's not like I have been super famous. So what would she gain by it? A small scandal that the press will cover?"

_Don't underestimate yourself. You have built up quite a reputation in the business, despite your relatively young age. I heard the talk. And she said that people still asked about you. You left your mark, Rachel._

"Whatever, it's not like I can change or influence anything, for that matter." Clearly, she did not want to dwell on the topic any further.

Quinn reached out and stroked a strand of chocolate brown hair back behind Rachel's ear that had boldly escaped.

_I will keep an eye and an ear out. If I hear anything – and I mean anything negative being mentioned outside, I will not stay quiet. I will not let this bitch ruin your name._

Rachel contemplated this for a moment, and then sighed, clearly seeing that she could not deter Quinn from her intention. "Fine. But only _if_ something comes up. And _only_ then. And you will talk to me first before going off single handedly. Promise me that."

She stared hard at Quinn, knowing that in her need for justice it could be possible that she would run off into blind action without consulting her first.

_Ok. I promise._

Rachel studied her girlfriend for a long while and then nodded.

Mustering all her courage, she decided to address one other topic. Since she was already at it, she might as well bring the rest out into the open, before she lost the nerve again.

"I am still sorry I reacted so harshly when you asked me about the check-up. Besides the meeting that worked me up, there is also another thing that… that keeps a hold of me." Collecting her valor, she took a deep breath, still having to start over twice before the words would finally flow out of her mouth.

"I….I was not telling the truth," she lowered her gaze, looking at her hands, gulping down another deep breath of air, "…when I said I did not have any hope. Hope is still in me, like a little flame that cannot be drenched. I wish it would, because it holds me back, it does not let me move on. But part of me wishes… wishes so hard…that…I could hear again. At least something. Some noise, some voices, anything. I don't want to be so isolated anymore, feel so disconnected, always depending on someone to interpret, or get out of their ways by writing their thoughts on paper so I can understand."

She took a shuddering breath before continuing with a sad smile.

"But I also know that chances are not that good. That was what the specialists told me after the last operation. My dads don't know that. My doctor just told me and I asked him to keep quiet."

_What do you mean? But they want you back for a check up._ Quinn was confused.

"Yes, they do. Routine, I guess. Though they told me after the last operation that if I didn't notice any change after a couple of weeks, it would most likely … stay that way. And I haven't noticed any change." The last words were barely above a whisper. "God, Quinn, I might stay deaf for the rest of my life and that thought is just so hard to bear. And I don't want any doctor to tell me that. I don't want to know that for a fact. That would make it so… final. But for now I can still harbor this stupid little piece of hope." She let out a desperate laugh. "I know that does not make sense at all."

When Quinn's arms surrounded her, Rachel let the sobs run free again and they hit Quinn's shoulder, while she leaned her head against it. God, she was getting so tired of crying, wondering if she would ever live a couple of days in a row without the floods running down her face.

After a while, Quinn felt Rachel calm down a little and she withdrew one hand to wipe her own eyes. Then she placed a kiss on top of Rachel's head, noticing that her tears had wet her girlfriend's hair a bit. She gently rubbed the spot and had to laugh.

Rachel lifted her head and asked: "What?"

_I drenched your hair. Sorry!_

Rachel touched herself on her head, feeling the few wet hairs and had to chuckle. "Jesus, I think we have to drink in at least a gallon of liquids each day to make up for all the water we've lost through crying."

That made Quinn laugh again.

_See it as a body cleanse. Every day we wash out all the negative things with those tears. It's basically our daily "Clean" program._

Rachel looked into the green eyes that sparkled with laughter and fell in love all over again with the woman in her arms. She could not help herself, but she was lost in Quinn Fabray. Rachel pressed her lips against her girlfriend's still smiling mouth and they shared a deep and tender kiss, tongues gently touching and exploring.

Rachel was sure she could never ever love another person as much as she did Quinn. If someone had told her some years ago that the one person she loved more than her live would be Quinn Fabray, she would not have believed it. Never. And even though Rachel had seen more in that girl than Quinn herself had known to have in herself, it took a long time for these qualities to be freed. Now that the blond woman openly showed them and stood by them, it was impossible not to fall in love with her. Because she was so considerate, so helpful and supportive, understanding and gentle and caring, it let Rachel see herself also in another light.

Rachel shook her head a little. She felt the strong urge to tell Quinn in some way what she felt.

"Can I show you another song?" She asked almost timidly.

Quinn laughed again.

"Why are you laughing?"

Quinn smiled at the face with the quizzical look in front of her. _This is so you!_

"What do you mean?" Rachel could not fathom why that made her girlfriend look so gleeful.

_Rachel, the music is still in you. Independently from how you want to express it. Even if you do not sing yourself. But you see, it is still there, helping you to express yourself in a certain way. In a different way, granted. Though music is still part of you. _

"Oh." She had not consciously considered this, but it was true. At least, the music still helped her to express herself a little, even though she had to keep borrowing the voices of others.

"But what if I forget? What, if over time, all the music inside fades away? What will I do then? What if I forget?" A desperate look crossed her features and anchored itself in her eyes.

Quinn gradually reached out and cupped her lover's face with both hands, gazing back into the large, sincere brown eyes. Then, slowly, very slowly, a smile started to spread across her features. And even before Quinn withdrew her hands to sign, Rachel knew what she was going to say.

_Then we will just have to make sure that you don't. We will find a way to keep it alive._

When Rachel looked into those honest hazel eyes, she believed her, again outright astonished how Quinn gave her security and reassurance with just a few words. Though the main message behind those words was always transmitted through her eyes. This gave Rachel an anchor that routed her to the ground and gave her stability as she ventured out into her new world on still somewhat shaky legs.

Slowly she detached herself from Quinn and searched on her laptop for the song she had in mind. It was a song from a German band Rachel had heard when one of her colleagues sang it in their dressing room one evening. At her request, she let Rachel listen to the original song on her MP3 player and even translated it for her. The petite woman asked to listen to it three more times until they had to take their positions on stage. She was so smitten with the song that Anna brought her the original CD the next day and gave it to her as a gift.

Rachel handed Quinn a translation of the lyrics. She had written them some time ago with silver ink on a dark red sheet of paper.

The blond woman's eyes flew over the page, softening more with each line. Finally, she lifted her gaze again, eyes speaking for themselves how touched she was by those words.

_This is so beautiful, Rachel. Can I keep this?_

Rachel nodded with a shy smile.

After clicking on play, she wrapped her arms around Quinn's waist and leaned her head against her shoulder.

_**Ja (Yes*)**_

_Ich bin verloren in deiner Mitte (I'm lost in the midst of you)  
machst mich zum Kämpfer ohne Visier (you turn me into a fighter without a visor)  
Alles gedreht, Sinne wie benebelt (Everything's turned, my senses are reeling)  
Ich bin so heillos betrunken von dir (I'm so hopelessly intoxicated by you)  
_

_Du wärmst mich auf, mit deinem Wesen (You warm me with your essence)  
und lässt nicht einen Zentimeter unverschont (and you don't leave one centimeter untouched)  
Du flutest alle meine Decks mit Hoffnung (You flood all my decks with hope)  
auf ein echtes Leben vor dem Tod (for a genuinely real life before death)  
_

_Und ja ich atme dich (And yes, I'm breathing you)  
Ja ich brenn für dich (Yes, I burn for you)  
Ja ich leb für dich (Yes, I live for you)  
jeden Tag (every day)  
und ja du spiegelst mich (and yes, you mirror me)  
und ja ich schwör auf Dich und jede meiner Fasern (and yes, I swear by you, and every fiber in me says yes)  
_

Midway through the song Quinn started moving in a dance, swaying them both back and forth very slowly, their bodies joined in unison to the music. As hardly perceptible as their dance moves were, it bathed them in an intimate connection where both women lost every sense of their surroundings. Even though Rachel could not hear the music, she let herself be swept away by the sensual movements.

_Es ist noch immer so schwer zu glauben (It still isn't always so easy to believe)  
wie du die meisten meiner Fehler übersiehst (how you look past most of my faults)  
Du erdest jeden meiner Gedanken …(You ground each of my thoughts)  
verleihst Flügel wenn Zweifel überwiegt (lend your wings when doubts prevail)  
_

_Und ja ich atme dich (And yes, I'm breathing you  
Ja ich brenn für dich (Yes, I burn for you)  
Ja ich leb für dich (Yes, I live for you)  
jeden Tag (every day)  
und ja du spiegelst mich (and yes, you mirror me)  
und ja ich schwör auf Dich und jede meiner Fasern (and yes, I swear by you, and every fiber in me says yes)  
_

_Ja zu jedem Tag mit dir (Yes to every day with you)  
Ja zu jedem deiner Fehler (yes to every fault you have)  
Asche und Gold, ich trag alles mit dir (Ashes and gold, I'll shoulder it all with you)  
Denn ich bin und bleib verloren ('cause I am and will remain lost)  
in deiner Mitte, (in your midst)  
in deiner Mitte (in your midst)  
bis der Vorhang fällt ('til the curtain falls)  
_

_Und ja ich atme dich (And yes, I'm breathing you)  
Ja ich brenn für dich (Yes, I burn for you)  
Ja ich leb für dich (Yes, I live for you)  
jeden Tag (every day)  
und ja ich liebe dich (and yes, I love you)  
und ja ich schwör auf Dich und jede meiner Fasern (and yes, I swear by you, and every fiber in me says yes)  
_

As the song ended, Quinn danced them towards the desk and pressed the auto repeat button, not wanting this moment to end. Rachel smiled at her action and snuggled back into the arms that were only made to hold her. She knew the effect that the song had on her the first time she heard it. Being single at that time, it made her yearn for someone to hold while listening to it. It was overwhelming to realize that she had finally found the kind of love the song described.

The female singer's sensuous voice filled the room again and Quinn thought she was the luckiest woman on earth to have someone like Rachel in her arms, being able to love her and be loved back. The song had a beautiful instrumental part at the end that touched her almost more than the actual lyrics. The slow beat of the drums seemed to mirror her heartbeat as she held Rachel so close, inhaled her scent and felt the tingles race up and down her skin. Each line of that song seemed to be true as she felt every part of her body ache for Rachel's touch, longing to feel her skin under her fingers.

Rachel lifted her head and gazed at Quinn. She drank in the view as Quinn had her eyes closed, wearing an expression of sensual arousal.

That view was more than alluring to Rachel. Quinn opened her eyes and unerringly met the brown irises looking up at her.

In a bold move, she scoped up the smaller woman in her arms. Rachel let out a gasp of surprise and quickly linked her arms around Quinn's neck. She let herself be lowered gently on to the couch, where Quinn slowly lifted her shirt and started placing little kisses on her exposed skin, causing Rachel to moan softly. This small sound turned Quinn even more on. God, she never knew that a voice could do that to her. But hearing Rachel omit these small sounds of pleasure was better than music to her ear. She stopped abruptly and looked up.

"What?" there was a slight desperate sound to Rachel's voice, disappointed that Quinn stopped her advances.

_I am being selfish_, Quinn stated bashfully.

Rachel propped herself up on her elbows, clearly confused.

"Why?" If someone was selfish, it was she, lying on the couch and thoroughly enjoying Quinn's affections.

_Because I hear you making these incredible little noises with your voice and I keep on listening to that beautiful music and … and you can't._

"But Quinn, I started this song." Rachel skipped over the first part of Quinn's sentence. "Why do _you_ feel bad about it now?"

_Because I remembered what you told me earlier. How you so badly wanted to hear again. And I sit here and enjoy …. And you… and_ … Failing to find the right words Quinn dropped her hands.

Rachel sat up and faced her girlfriend, noting the pain in her green eyes. "Quinn. I appreciate the thought. As much as I wish I could also hear that song, I can't. And yes, the more I dwelled on it just now, the harder it gets to bear. But it does not change anything. And you tearing yourself apart over it won't help either." She reached out and pulled her closer, resting her forehead against Quinn's.

"Let's not have any more drama today, ok? I could use a little distraction. Can we go back to what we were doing just now? Me, lying on the couch and you kissing every part of my body?"

After a moment, she felt Quinn nod against her head. Then Rachel sensed her lips on her own as Quinn gently pushed her back on the couch with that kiss.

Quinn took in the sight of her girlfriend sprawled on the couch; her luminous chocolate colored eyes fixed on her face, following her every movement while she continued kissing her way across the tanned skin of her belly. God, she was so in love with this woman.

The music was still playing in the background and Quinn tried to transmit every single note she heard through her kisses and caresses, slowly taking them into the night.

…

The next morning, Quinn reluctantly got up to drive to her rehearsal. Luckily, it was only a short session and she had the afternoon off. Rachel was still asleep and she did not want to wake her. Gently she placed a kiss on her cheek and trailed her hand over the naked shoulder that poked out from under the covers. She wanted to stay so much, slip under the covers and feel every inch of Rachel's skin on her own. Slowly she tore herself away from the view. Temptation was nudging her to take a picture of her sleeping beauty with the dark, tousled hair, so she could take her with her.

Just as she closed the apartment, her phone rang. While walking down the hallway, she plucked it out of her bag. Who was such an early morning person to call her at that hour? It was only seven a.m.. She threw a glance at the display and answered.

"Hi Santana."

"Q, we need to talk," Santana answered without preamble.

"Well, a good morning to you too and no, you did not wake me, thank you for your concern. What do we need to talk about?" Quinn was curious..

"Rachel."

When nothing further in terms of an explanation came from the Latina's side, Quinn prompted her: "Why?" Cautiousness was creeping into her tone, wondering what the hell that was all about.

"Q, I still… listen, this… you could have told me. I can't stop thinking about it."

"Told you what exactly?" Quinn was confused. She stepped outside the building and waved at a passing cab.

"About Rachel's new haircut, duh, whaddaya think? I mean her having had a freaking accident that left her deaf. Honestly, a little warning would have been nice."

Quinn got into the waiting taxi and told the driver her home address. She had forgotten to bring a change of clothes the day before which annoyed her immensely, because she had to make the detour that cost her precious minutes more on bed with her girlfriend.

Turning back to her friend on the phone she asked: "A warning? What is she, some kind of danger? It was not planned that Rachel would run into us. She was as shocked to see you as you were to see her. It was just a coincidence that you met each other on that day. Then again they say that coincidences do not exist, that everything happens for a reason. Maybe it just had to be. Besides, it was not my call, Santana. It is solely Rachel's choice to tell somebody about it or not."

"Look, Q.I can understand that you are protective of her. But…"

"No Santana, no 'but'! I won't patronize her. And that includes telling other people about her accident. She has her own reasons to not want it to become public and I respect that. She didn't even want to tell me when we first met. Can't you imagine how it must be for her if other people, especially people who knew her from before, see her now?"

"Ok, I … I am sorry, I did not want to upset you. I can imagine that this whole thing must be so fucking hard for her. I mean, how does she cope?"

"Santana, why don't you ask her that yourself?"

"Yeah, and how am I supposed to talk to her? I don't know how to do this… sign language stuff."

"Well, we communicated through writing in the beginning. Remember, Rachel told you about it."

"Right."

Quinn heard Santana huff on her side of the phone.

"Ok, Santana, spill. What's the deal here? I did not think that it was superficial Santana bullshit when you told Rachel that you would like to meet her again. Or was I wrong? Because that is not what she needs, more people who will tell her fucking trash and lies. She's just had a shitload of that and I am that close to killing one particular person." Quinn had talked herself into a rage.

"Whoa, Q. Calm down. Whatever happened with that other person, _I_ don't plan on hurting Rachel, ok?"

"Ugh!" Quinn clenched her phone harder just at the thought of Rachel's recount from the day before. She was not sure if she should tell Santana, but then opted to do it. She needed to tell someone, it was her pain as well. So she repeated what Rachel had told her about Sharon Basont and when she finished, she could literally see the fumes that Santana emitted coming out of loudspeaker of her phone.

"WHAT!?" Quinn quickly held her mobile a good ways away from her ear, lest she also wanted to go deaf from her friends screaming. Even then she could still hear every single word the Latina hatefully threw through the line. When Santana apparently had blown off enough of her first rage, the blond woman cautiously placed her phone against her ear again.

"Is it safe to hold the phone close again or are you going for a second round of ranting?"

"Quinn, this fucking bitch, how dare she say something like that? This woman needs to be taken down, honestly! How did Rachel take it?"

"Well, as you can imagine she was quite dismayed by this. I think it really brought her down. She just told me about it yesterday, but I had talked to her on that evening after it happened and she was quite sad and exhausted. But listen, she made me swear that I would not start a war against that bitch. As long as there is nothing out in the press, she does not want me to act against her. And neither will you!"

"Quinn, c'mon, that can't be true, even Rachel Berry has to have a limit as to how much she can take. Even after telling her into her face such fucking bullshit and blatant lies she would not want to justify herself? We cannot accept that, Q. No way!"

"'We', Santanta?" Quinn asked with a half-smile.

"Yeah, well, you know what I mean. I kinda started to like Rachel in our senior year. She gave me a picture of herself and I even pinned on my locker door," she confessed before continuing. "And now I … I don't know, I somehow see her in a totally different way – nothing bad, don't get all worked up, I mean in a good way and she is your girlfriend, and that brings me also closer to her."

"Uhu, is that is just some twisted Lopez logic saying, she's my friend and I wanna cover her ass? I get it. However, don't go off on Sharon Basont, no matter what you hear or see without talking to me first! Nevertheless keep your ears and eyes open, maybe you hear something through your high strung VIP clients whose butts you're kicking," Quinn told Santana, almost falling back into her old cheerios captain mode. She noticing how her pulse quickened again at the worry of Sharon planning anything to ruin Rachel's name out of her perverse need to show the world she had the last word and no one toyed with her. Even though the manager was too blind in her self-righteousness to recognize truth from lies.

"Fine. I will stay back. For now," Santana complied and she heard Quinn take a deep breath to calm herself.

"Ok, sorry I snapped at you earlier, Santana" Quinn paused for a moment, steering herself away from this aggravating topic. She turned back to their earlier subject of conversation, hoping to find the right words to convince Santana not only to be a friend behind Rachel's back, fighting for her rights, but also to honestly tell her so in person.

"Santana, don't be afraid to talk to Rachel. Approach her honestly and tell her about your insecurity. This way she can at least understand how you stand towards her. I noticed it works best to openly ask her things. It's not like her deafness is something you can ignore, Santana. So if you want to arrange yourself with it somehow, talk to her about it. Believe me, she prefers open honesty compared to feigned ignorance or pretense that nothing is wrong and all is as it was before. Because it isn't."

Santana was silent.

"What's wrong? You seemed ok with it yesterday. What happened between then and now that you are so evasive? You offer to cover her back and fight for her justice but you still are afraid to speak to her directly?"

"I don't know. I guess it shocked me more than I thought. Through a freaking accident she suddenly lost everything she ever lived for, god that really scared me."

"Ah, now we are getting somewhere."

"Yeah, I mean, don't tell me you have not thought about how quickly life can change. One second you are on top and whooof, the next you're picking up the shards of your shattered life."

Quick displayed a little smile, unseen by Santana.

"Believe me, Santana, _I_ know. One of the reasons why I finally sat down the other night to call you. But you know, that is just how life goes. You probably cannot always win. Then again, that depends on what you define as your prize. Rachel told me the other day that if she had not had that accident, we probably never would have met. Most likely I would still be secretly following her on the internet like a maniac stalker while she would still be wondering what happened to me. But no matter how hopeless her current situation seemed, we found each other through all of it. Even though she lost a lot on one side, she - we," she corrected herself, "also gained a lot on the other."

"And how do you cope with it, with her deafness, I mean? Didn't it shock you when you found out? I don't know if I could have reacted the way you did. That was kinda brave, Q, what Rachel told me. I was quite impressed, to be honest."

"Yes it did throw me completely off balance. It felt like someone had pulled the floor out from under my feet, but at that moment I did not just think about me or what it meant for me. I only thought about Rachel, I only saw her. The one person that was so important in my life and I was so determined to not let her slip away. She experienced such a life-shattering event and for all the years I had ignored her, I instantly knew that I could not run any further. That I had to face everything and that I had to show her that I would be there. No matter what. No more running. And yes, it hurts to know that her dream is lost to her, that all she has lived for is gone. She has to start all over again. But there is something in her that drives her. And I want to help her find it and a new path in her life, wherever it will lead."

Santana digested the words for a moment. "Yeah, I get that. I mean, she really surprised me. I would have freaked out in her situation. But then she came up to me and asked _me_ if I was ok, that really got to me."

Quinn chuckled. "Yes, she surprised me with some of her reactions as well." And she proceeded to tell her friend about her e-mail with the song text she accidentally sent to Rachel and how she reacted to it.

"Wow Quinn, you would have deserved a beating for that one," Santana huffed. "I probably would have whacked you senseless."

"That's why I am with Rachel and not you. She is not so much into whacking people like others," Quinn retorted smugly.

Santana chose to ignore that comment.

"I always knew she had drive. But this whole thing, made her… I don't know. I see her with different eyes. It somehow seems to make her grow even more."

"Santana, why don't you tell her that. I am sure she would be glad to know how she is seen through somebody else's eyes. She already knows I love her, but to hear something positive from you would probably make her happy."

"Yeah, maybe you are right. I'll think about it, ok Quinn? And don't worry, I am not going to do anything to hurt her."

Quinn smiled. "Good to hear that, otherwise we would have one of our famous cat fights. Only this time I would whack _you_ senseless, as you so nicely put it."

"Uh, now I am scared," Santana retorted.

"You better be!" Quinn laughed. "Well, I have to go. Let's check later if we can get together again soon, ok?"

"Yeah, that'd be great. Have a nice day, Q. And tell Rachel I said hi."

"Ok, I will. Bye."

Quinn dropped her phone in her purse and got her wallet out to pay. Santana was one of a kind, she had to admit. But once you got her to show you her true self, you gained an invaluable friend in her who would walk through fire for you. It would be nice to know that Rachel had someone like that besides her and Kurt.

* * *

**(*Song "Ja" (Yes) by Silbermond, translation partly provided by brightswan on lyricstranslation . com)**

**Coco: the "Clean" program is for you :-)  
**

**TheIrishGilmore: Thanks for the great discussion we had. It gave me a little more clarity and took the pressure off!**

**Nicole, again thanks for always giving me ****quick**** feedback, even though you are still writing on your own story (check out her 'For Always' Faberry story, it has a great AU setting!)**


	23. Chapter 23

**Longest chapter ever. At least in this story :-).**

**Rated M.  
**

**Standard disclaimer for Glee. Jenna though is my invention.  
**

**Liked how you all jumped on Sharon's back! Sad that there really are people like her out there...**

**Gllover22: you wrote the 100th review. Jubilee, yay! Thanks for constantly providing your feedback!**

******JPElles: Maybe they would have met eventually at one or the other gathering, but that would have made for another story :-).  
**

* * *

**Chapter 23**

Later that Friday morning, Rachel sat on her couch after Quinn had left for her concert rehearsal. Unfortunately, she was still asleep then, she would have preferred to personally say good-bye to her girlfriend. But the little love note she found on her pillow when she woke up was a small consolation at least. Luckily, Quinn would only have to work on two songs today and would be free again later. They had agreed to meet at Quinn's apartment for a change.

On a spontaneous notion, Quinn sent a text to Rachel asking if she would mind if Santana came over for dinner. She felt that after her early morning call it would be a nice idea somehow. She had not said anything to Santana yet, first wanting to check if Rachel would be ok with it.

At first Rachel had hesitated, then decided that it would actually be quite nice to have dinner in this constellation.

Another idea popped into her mind. She fished out her phone.

_Hey Kurt, what are you up to tonight? Santana is in New York and we want to invite her for dinner at Quinn's house at 7 pm.  
It would be so nice if you came as well. If Blaine's free, he's also welcome of course.  
Rachel_

She wavered. Did she really want to have so many people around her? Even though she knew them and really would like to have a nice get together with her old friends, she was afraid of what it would do to her. Could she still enjoy their company while not having the benefit of joining their conversations, at least not the way she was used to? After all, what do you do during a dinner besides eating? You talk, exchange stories, discuss, tell jokes. All of which required someone to interpret for her if she wanted to participate in the discussions.

_Rachel, give yourself a chance. Give them a chance,_ her heart piped up.

Besides, she could not ask of Quinn to stay reclusive with her for the rest of her life, spending the nights like an old couple on the couch. Ok, remembering the last evenings and how much pleasure and fun one could have on a couch – or in bed, for that matter – was not such a bad prospect. Still, she also had to grant Quinn some access to her friends and acquaintances. She was not sure how close she was with Kurt and Blaine, but she doubted they had seen each other much. It might be quite nice for Quinn to catch up with them. After all, she had mentioned that she would like to meet him again.

Rachel asked her girlfriend if it was all right to invite two more people, namely their two former Glee clubbers.

The answer came back promptly.

_Sure, if that is ok with you, I'd be happy to see Kurt and Blaine again.  
We just have to increase our shopping list for tonight then :-)  
Just thinking… would you mind if I also invited one of my friends from Yale? I think she would fit nicely into our round. _

Before answering, Rachel sent off her previously written message to Kurt. Then she typed her response to Quinn.

_I guess one person more or less won't really tip the scale :-). Who is this mysterious person you'd like to invite? _

_Her name is Jenna, I mentioned her the other day. She's the one I talked to about us.  
Jenna was the one that pushed me in the right direction in regards to my feelings for you :-)_

_Aha, I remember. Didn't I say that this Jenna was a smart person?  
I think I would like to get to know her._

Rachel typed bravely, not really knowing how she would survive the evening with so many people around, and even a stranger she had not gotten to know yet. Her insecurities about social gatherings threatened to overwhelm her again, but she tried not to dwell on them. The distraction of another message from her favorite blonde helped.

_Oh good! She'll be happy to know. She has been bugging me when I would finally introduce you to her!  
Though I have to admit, she is kind of your fan.  
She was so enthusiastic about having seen you in two of your shows and how great she thought you were. _

Rachel swallowed when she read that, having no idea how to react to that. Her phone buzzed again.

_Oh god, I should not have said that. She made me swear to never tell you! _

Rachel had to grin at that revelation and quickly typed her answer.

_Quinn, something tells me you are not so good in keeping secrets.  
Remind me to never ever tell you anything compromising about myself!_

_Uh, ok, good. I'll remind you should anything come up ;-).  
Gotta go, break is over, two more hours till we see each other, yay!  
Kiss and hug!  
Quinn_

The brunette's phone vibrated another time to alert her to two more messages.

_Hi Rachel!  
We'd looooove to come! Turns out we have a free Friday! So Blaine would join us as well.  
How are you, is everything ok in the R & Q world? :-)  
Happy to see you tonite!_

The second one was from Kurt as well.

_And don't worry, you'll be fine, Rachel! You have two people to interpret for you!  
Quinn and I will help you through this together.  
Relax, ok?  
Kurt_

Rachel was touched by the encouragement from her friend. He seemed to understand how torn she felt regarding the evening. The motivating words indeed calmed her a bit. So she quickly sent her response.

_Thanks for the small prep talk. Glad you'll come.  
See you later!  
Rachel_

Then she got a piece of paper from her desk and jotted down the shopping list.

….

Later, shortly after lunch, Quinn and Rachel met at the supermarket close to Quinn's apartment. Embraced for a long moment and stole a quick kiss from each other. Rachel dug out the list from her bag and showed her girlfriend her suggestions for dinner. Quinn agreed and they weaved their way through the aisles. They added few more things into their shopping cart and then made their way home, each of them carrying four bags.

Upon entering Quinn's apartment and placing the bags on the counter with a sigh of relief, Rachel was fascinated again by the picture of the angel in the living room. She remembered that she had never gotten an answer to her question where Quinn got the painting from and so she asked again.

_It's from the wife of a colleague of mine. She mostly paints angels in all different scenes. She also has one of two female angels facing each other, quite breathtaking._

"It's really beautiful. I don't want to look away."

Quinn chuckled and stood right in front of Rachel to hide the picture from her view.

Her girlfriend smiled up at her. "Oh, even better. That angel is at least alive, and," she pecked her lips "I can kiss her."

_Good, otherwise I would have to get jealous over a painting!_

"Yeah right, Quinn Fabray, as if I would chose you over some art."

_You never know! _

The smaller woman punched Quinn lightly on the arm. "Let's get the table ready and start preparing the food."

_Yes Ma'am! _Saluting to Rachel, Quinn marched off in the direction of the kitchen where they had deposited the groceries.

They set and decorated the table together and fixed the lasagna so it just had to be baked in the oven later. They prepared one with meat and another vegan one. Rachel was sure she was probably the only one eating the latter, but that was ok. More for her.

Once the meals were prepared, they both shared the bathroom to get ready. It was a good thing that they still had a couple of hours before the guest would arrive, because taking a shower together did of course not help in getting ready quickly. They took a rather long time kissing, touching and enjoying each other. In between kisses, they used a nice, soft sponge to spread the shower gel across each other's skin until everything was covered in a nice smelling lather. After that, each inch had to be cleaned again with absolute tender and care. Quinn never knew that taking a shower with someone could be such a turn on and when they were toweling each other dry, she was hard pressed to jump back in and cool off a little. She noticed that Rachel was in the same state of arousal as was she, so she took her towel and slowly and teasingly started to dab at each little droplet that still lingered on the smaller woman's skin. Carefully Quinn worked herself down until she knelt before her girlfriend. Then she embraced Rachel's legs with one arm, pulling her a bit closer. Rachel laughed and had to steady herself with both hands on Quinn's shoulders.

"What are you doing?" She asked with an astonished smile.

Quinn did not respond, she continued her slow drying job with her free hand. Once she was done, she let the towel drop and focused on the view before her. Gently she let her hand glide across the soft stomach, while the other tenderly squeezed and massaged her girlfriend's butt. That caused Rachel to moan softly and Quinn felt goose bumps rise on her arms at that sound. Then she flicked her tongue out and licked at the little nub that already throbbed with pleasure at the juncture of Rachel's legs. The brunette let out a gasp at the touch and blindly reached behind her to place her hand against the shower door for support.

"God, Quinn," she let out under her breath and moaned again while Quinn intensified her play with her tongue. Rachel spread her legs apart a little to give the other woman a better access, which she promptly took advantage of, softly probing Rachel's folds with one of her fingers. She felt the wetness there and let her finger slide a bit deeper while still teasing the little throbbing core. She felt one hand on her head, pressing her against the other woman's body. "Quinn," Rachel panted breathlessly, "I want to feel you inside of me. Now." And Quinn was more than happy to oblige. She carefully added a second finger and slowly thrust them deeper, only to pull them back again.

It drove Rachel sheer nuts. She bit her lips and suppressed a gasp. Quinn repeated the motion with her hand. Rachel's grip on the shower stall tightened all the while trying to not press Quinn's head too hard against her. She needed her girlfriend to breath, this at least she still realized in her intoxicated state of pure and utter arousal. When the blond woman intensified her movements even more, Rachel lost it completely. It did not take her long to reach her climax with Quinn's last flick of her tongue and she let out a long carnal sound of pure pleasure. Her fingers curled around Quinn's hair, trying desperately in her inebriated state not to pull too hard on the blond strands.

As the final wave of pleasure had ebbed away, Rachel weakly collapsed against the shower. Quinn raised herself off the floor and enveloped her girlfriend in a hug to steady her. She held her until she felt her breathing even out a bit. Then big, luminous brown eyes looked up at her, begging her close. So she inclined her head a little and let her own lips be captured by Rachel's. No further words were needed. The kiss told her everything. After a moment, they pulled apart and made their way into the bedroom where Quinn was treated to the same pleasure she had just served Rachel. As she had already been ready to go off while pleasing Rachel, she did not need much stimulation to reach her peak.

Afterwards they laid in each other's arms, gently touching each other, kissing and cuddling until both were ready for a second round.

When they finally rested completely sedated under Quinn's blanket, neither woman felt like ever getting up again. But the clock on the nightstand urged them to jump under the shower again, very quickly this time and get ready for the evening.

When watching her girlfriend get dressed, Quinn was actually surprised that Rachel was not wearing as many skirts as she used to in high school. At that time, it was hardly possible to see her wearing pants. Now jeans seemed to be the usual dress code for her. When asked about it, Rachel answered that she did not want to feel so exposed and that she did not really want to draw any attention to herself, especially now.

She had made an exception for this evening though. Maybe because she knew most of the people she would meet and felt vaguely secure, at least when it came to her outfit. She was clad in an olive green skirt, a white low cut blouse which tempted Quinn more than once to shift her gaze from Rachel's face two stories lower. She had tied up her long brown mane in a loose bun at the nape of her neck. Some strands fell in soft waves around her face. Rachel looked absolutely gorgeous and Quinn would have liked to devour her again right then and there.

"Miss Fabray, please contain yourself. I am not sure our guests will appreciate you drooling all over me during the evening." Only then did Quinn notice the brown eyes resting on her, observing her with a hint of amusement. She exhaled slowly.

_You just look stunning. I can't take my eyes off you. You'll have to sit next to me later, otherwise I will not be able to look anyone else in the eye if I have you in my direct view. _

"Haha, I am not sure you'd be able to even look _me_ in the eye, seeing how your eyes keep on dropping down to my chest."

_Can't help it. At least, sitting next to you I'll get to touch you under the table at least, _Quinn added slyly, leaning close, murmuring under her breath: "God, so beautiful," before placed her lips on Rachel's, savoring her softness.

A warm feeling spread inside Rachel's chest. Quinn's eyes told her that she meant every word she had said. It was an absolutely wonderful and still astonishing feeling to be the object of desire of someone as beautiful as Quinn.

"Mmmm, you don't look half-bad yourself, Quinn," she then teased her girlfriend. "No, in fact you are absolutely lovely," and she let a hand weave loosely through the blond hair that fell down to her shoulder blades in a natural wave. The taller woman wore grey pants and a short-sleeved navy blue colored blouse that was a wonderful dark contrast to her light colored hair.

They sealed their compliments with a short kiss before Rachel pulled back.

"I wanted to ask you something before all the other guests arrive. Would it not be better if Santana moved into one of your two spare guest rooms until she is settled in her job and found a new apartment? This way you could spend some more time with her and she would not have to worry about disturbing her family. I can imagine that it is not the happiest arrangement for her."

That statement earned her an astonished look from Quinn.

_And what about disturbing us?_ She wiggled her eyebrows at Rachel which made her laugh.

"Well, we still have my apartment as refuge where we are undisturbed and it won't be forever. Even when we stay here, it's not like Santana is the demurest person on earth. I don't think she'd have a problem with us, you know… I mean…I don't mean…" Rachel felt the color rise in her face, even more so when Quinn started outright laughing.

_Oh Rachel, you are really cute, you know that? I know what you mean. Well. Let's ask her tonight and then we can discuss the details. Or rather not. Not those kind of details, I mean_. Now it was Quinn's turn to flush slightly.

Rachel pressed her lips against Quinn's and effectively defused the situation. Though when pulling apart, both women were still grinning sheepishly.

"Let's focus on getting ready and put the lasagnas into the oven. That will hopefully steer us clear of any compromising topics for now."

_Sensible suggestion, darling_.

Quinn snugged an arm around Rachel's shoulder as they ambled away from the painting over to the kitchen area.

Half an hour later, the doorbell rang as the enticing aroma of the baked lasagna wafted through the apartment and they greeted the first guests. Kurt sniffed, appreciating the nice smell before he threw his arms around Rachel and they squeezed each other really hard, which made Rachel laugh. "Let me breath, Kurt!"

He took a small step back, spread Rachel's arms and took in her outfit. Letting go of her hands he commented: _You look very nice, Rachel. Elegant hairdo._

"Thanks!"

Then he made his way over to Quinn, both had not seen each other for almost two years. Last time, they had run into each other by chance on a home visit in Lima.

"I am happy to see you again, Kurt!" Quinn gave him a heartfelt hug. "I am glad you could make it on such a short notice."

"Yes, thank you for the invitation!" With this, he turned to Rachel who could read his signs in parallel. She answered with a warm smile.

"You are more than welcome!"

Next, Blaine stepped inside and gave Rachel a tentative hug.

"Hi Blaine, great to see you again," Rachel beamed at him. He took a breath and wanted to say something, unsure of how to address her. As Kurt and Quinn were still greeting each other, his gaze wavered between them and Rachel, momentarily unsure of what to do. To her own surprise, Rachel stayed relatively calm. She pointed at the little shelf to Blaine's left where a small white board hung. "You can use that if you want to tell me something."

Blaine smiled faintly and took it off the hook, quickly scribbling something on it.

_Hi Rachel, I am glad to see you again. I'm_ …He did not manage to write more as Quinn came up to him and a little relieved he turned to greet her, handing the board to Rachel.

When they finished hugging, Rachel addressed Blaine again, pointing at his unfinished sentence. "Did you want to say something else?"

"Oh, sorry, did I interrupt you two?" Quinn asked.

Blaine just shook his head and made a dismissive gesture. "Nah, it's not important." Kurt translated and Rachel could not help but feel a bit brushed off, but did not want anyone to notice and followed the group into the living room.

Next, Santana arrived and neither Quinn nor Rachel had told her about the additional guests. She was genuinely and positively surprised and happily hugged her two former high school friends. When she saw the plates on the table, she figured: "So, one more guest, huh?"

Quinn nodded. "Yes, a friend from Yale is also joining us. Jenna, I am sure I told you about her."

Rachel thought that Santana looked a bit relieved. Curious. Had she expected someone else?

"Right. I remember vaguely."

Quinn moved behind the kitchen counter and busied herself, putting the salad in a big bowl, mixing it with the dressing. She turned and caught Rachel's attention who stood closest to the door.

_The doorbell just rang. Probably Jenna, can you open the door?_

Her girlfriend nodded and turned towards the entrance.

Quinn had watched Rachel closely as she herself was busy preparing the rest of the food. She did not want her to feel excluded and was glad that Kurt accompanied his and Blaine's conversation with Santana with ASL.

When Rachel pulled the door open, she found a woman a little smaller than herself standing outside. With her dark red hair and green eyes, Rachel pegged her as the Irish type. She stepped aside to let her enter.

"Hi, you must be Jenna. I am Rachel."

Jenna smiled and bobbed her head.

"Yes, hi, I am so glad to finally meet you! I'm such a fan of you, I mean, I was.. I … god, I am sorry, I keep blabbering and… "

Rachel had to laugh at the flushed face in front of her, wondering if she ever took a breath, because her mouth kept moving at high speed. Luckily, Kurt had the good grace to step over and sign when he noticed the new arrival.

"It's ok. Why don't you take off your jacket and we introduce you to the rest?" Rachel suggested to the younger woman.

"Ok, good idea." That did not require a translation as it was easy to read from the nicely curved lips. Rachel hung Jenna's jacket in the wardrobe and turned back towards her former NYADA fellow and the newest guest.

"This is Kurt, a good old friend and high school Glee club member. Kurt, this is Jenna, a friend of Quinn's from Yale."

The two exchanged some short pleasantries when Quinn came over to greet her friend with a hug.

Rachel left Quinn to introduce the rest of the group and placed the salad and lasagnas on the table. Everyone quickly gathered around at the sight of the food, so she explained to them about the different kinds of baked pasta dishes.

"Oh and careful, the salad is vegan, too," she added coyly, which earned her a small chuckle from the group and a roll of her eyes from Santana, but one that was accompanied with a half-smile. Rachel let out a silent breath. Maybe this was not so bad. Maybe she _could_ fit in a bit. Quickly, everyone found a seat and they served each other. Quinn went around the table, offering some red wine.

Rachel sat at the head of the table. From that vantage point she had almost everyone in her field of vision and could see who was talking. Quinn sat to the right, around the table corner. Next to Quinn sat Blaine and at the other end of the table, across from Rachel, was Kurt. That also made it easy for Rachel to see his interpretations. On her left, she was flanked by Jenna and between her and Kurt was Santana's seat.

Soon they settled into a nice routine. Whenever Quinn or Kurt was talking, they also signed for Rachel's benefit. They also tried to take turns interpreting the other conversations around the table if they were not otherwise engaged in a discussion. This way Rachel at least learned to a certain degree what was being discussed and chatted about. She forced herself to put in her share of comments even though she kept wondering if her timing was right due to the slight delay caused by having to wait for the interpretation.

Rachel knew that the subtleties of the conversations would not come across, but she was still immensely grateful for her two friends to make the effort in between bites to fill her in. Sometimes Kurt or Quinn would falter, either when the conversations became too quick to follow or when several people were talking at once. Quinn started to say something at one point.

"Guys, can we try maybe not talk all at once, because…" but she was interrupted by her girlfriend's hand on her arm.

"It's ok, Quinn, thank you, but I don't want them to have to hold back because of me," Rachel stated softly. She noticed that Santana had looked at her for a long moment and then took up her conversations again. Quinn tapped her on the arm and held her gaze for an instant. Then she signed without voicing the words.

_Are you ok? If this all becomes too much for you, we can call this evening short. I mean it. I don't want this to become an ordeal for you. And I have not told you yet, but I am very proud of you coping with this. I can imagine that it is probably not that easy for you._

The only one privy to their private conversation was Kurt who threw a short and warm smile in Rachel's direction.

"Eavesdropping, Kurt?" Rachel teased her friend who laughed and blatantly answered: "Yes," accompanied by a nod.

She turned her attention back to Quinn, posing a question herself.

_How do you feel? It must be exhausting to sign, talk, listen and eat in parallel. It is ok, Quinn if you need a break or Kurt, for that matter. Really. _

_But I don't want you to miss out on anything, Rachel. _

Her hazel eyes searched her girlfriend's face to find the real emotion behind her brave words.

She found a little unease and some tension around her eyes. It was probably not easy for Rachel to relax in this situation, having to constantly look and observe, wondering who said what to whom, trying to fill in the parts that she missed, even though there were two people who tried to keep her in the loop, one of them still far from being fluent.

"I am ok, Quinn, really. A bit exhausted and overwhelmed, but I just have to get used to it." She said then in a low voice.

Quinn did not take her eyes off her. She did not want Rachel to have to get used to this. She did not want her to miss out, she did not want her to depend on the consideration of others to have the same level of information. Quinn felt swept back to the evening where both of them had their first dinner at the very same table. When realization had hit her on how many levels Rachel was deprived of information and social interaction and without this was basically missing out a great deal of life. She blinked and took a breath, focusing back on the person in front of her.

_Quinn, where did you just go?_ Concern was written all over Rachel's face.

_Sorry, just lost in a memory,_ she answered with a bittersweet smile. She quickly let her gaze swipe their table. The rest of the group was still animatedly engaged in a discussion and was not paying attention to them. Except maybe Kurt who threw them a look every so often to check what was going on.

Rachel had an inkling on what memory Quinn was talking about. She did not know where it came from, but she was pretty sure Quinn remembered her own breakdown during their first dinner.

She wondered why it seemed to hit Quinn harder than herself sometimes. But somehow knowing that, made it a bit easier for Rachel in this moment to be strong and face the facts instead of mourning her loss. It helped that some people could identify with her to a certain degree. It made her feel not so utterly alone anymore in her world.

_Quinn, if this is about me, please don't let that spoil your evening. There is nothing you can do about it. I – we just have to learn to live with it. You are already helping me so much, please don't let that become a liability. I have asked you before to not let it come so far. _Her eyes were imploring when she formed the words in the air.

_Rachel, you are not a liability! You are my love. And sometimes it is just hard for me to know that I cannot do anything to change your situation. And that you are missing out on so much._

Rachel sighed.

"Quinn, I am not missing out on much." She closed her eyes briefly and tilted her head to the side. "Well, yes, I do miss a lot of things. But thinking back on how far I have come these past weeks gives me hope. Four weeks ago I would not have thought of sitting here with old friends enjoying a nice dinner, neither of having you in my life again. Quinn, I …" she paused for a moment and frowned, as a realization just struck her.

"Actually, I could be a lot worse." For her girlfriend's benefit, she smiled and squeezed her hand that lay on the table between them. Out of the corner of her eyes, she noticed that the four other heads were turned her way.

Rachel let her gaze wander around the table. "Sorry if I interrupted your conversation. I ... did not mean to."

Santana answered first. "Is everything ok with you two?" Kurt helped interpreting as Quinn was still too moved to interpret.

"Yes." And Rachel quickly threw another encouraging smile at the blond woman next to her, before addressing her friends again. "Really, everything is ok." As the others went back to their discussions, Santana still held her gaze with a slightly raised eyebrow, asking with that silent gesture if Rachel really meant what she just said. Rachel dipped her head once and smiled. This seemed to satisfy the Latina somewhat.

Then she felt a soft nudge against her left elbow. Jenna had written something on a pad and pushed it over to her.

_Rachel, I am sorry for my earlier incoherent rambling :-) I tend to talk a lot and too fast when I am excited.  
Quinn told me a lot about you. About your time together in high school and how she did not want to meet you for the past years. I am happy you two have finally found each other. It seems that you make her very happy and I am glad to finally get to know you._

Rachel soaked up the features of the slender person next to her.

"She makes _me_ happy." She then commented with a smile at Quinn who still had to digest Rachel's words. "Though I wonder what she told you about our early years in high school, we weren't so happy around each other then," and with that she threw a meaningful glance at the woman on the other side of her who looked appropriately chastened.

Jenna laughed and answered in writing: _She told me everything when she poured her heart out to me once. Quinn was very honest. I couldn't believe that you put up with her like you did!_

After reading the words, Rachel stated with a chuckle: "Yeah, she was a challenge, I have to admit."

"Gee guys, you know I am sitting right here?" Quinn asked indignantly which made both women laugh.

"Yes, we know and you deserve to suffer a bit for your old sins," Jenna teased her back.

Rachel just quirked an eyebrow and tried to suppress a smile, especially since Quinn had to relay those words to her which she did with the appropriate offended look on her face. She was starting to like Jenna. And the way she was interacting with Quinn showed that they were really good friends.

Then Jenna focused her attention back to Rachel as Quinn was asked something by Santana from across the table.

_Rachel, I am not sure if it is appropriate to say, but I really admired your performance in Funny Girl. I watched it twice. Forced my parents and a good friend to go with me. I wish you could still perform. Please forgive me if I am too forthright. _

Brown eyes skimmed the page and it took a little longer than necessary to read the short sentences.

"Thank you, Jenna. I wish the same," Rachel simply sttated.

"So, Quinn told me you went to an audition at the _Beacon_ _Theater_ some days ago. How did it go?" Rachel was sincerely interested and did not want to deflect the subject, she found out to her own wonder.

_Oh, it went quite well, I had a callback three days ago and they want to decide whom to cast the start of next week. I really hope I get the part!_

Jenna's eyes had a hopeful sparkle in them when she observed Rachel reading her lines.

"What did you audition for? Music theater or drama?"

_Drama. I am not much of a singer I'm afraid._

"Well, I'd be really interested to know if you get the part." Then she noticed some empty glasses on the table and excused herself to get some more wine and water for the guests. To her surprise, even half of the vegan lasagna was polished away already, wondering who would have tried it besides herself and Quinn.

"Who had some of the vegetable lasagna?" She then asked as she walked around the table, continuing to fill up the glasses.

Santana raised her arm. "I did. And I have to admit, I liked it." She held two thumbs up in Rachel's direction.

"You did?"

The Latina nodded. "Yes. Could get used to it. Not for the rest of my life, but once in a while it would be ok."

Rachel held Quinn's gaze for a moment longer after she had relayed Santana's words, silently asking her if they should touch upon the topic of Quinn's guest room. Quinn nodded once and turned towards her old high school friend.

"Well, maybe we can help out with the 'once-in-a-while-vegan-meal' if you are up to it, Santana. Have you already looked for an apartment?"

"No, I didn't have time yet, but I surely have to start soon. It is getting quite cramped at my _tia_'s place. Two of my cousins are coming over from Canada with their kids for my uncle's birthday and believe me, they will be staying for a while. A loooooong while." She rolled her eyes at the last sentence.

Rachel had returned to her seat and placed a hand on Quinn's knee under the table, squeezing it lightly as if to say, _go ahead_.

"Santana, I can offer you my guest room for a couple of weeks, until you're settled with your new job, if you like."

"And this way you don't have to rush to find an apartment just for the sake of moving out of your aunt's. You can take some time and find one you really like," Rachel added.

Santana looked from one woman to the other, quickly chewing and swallowing the piece of food she had just spooned into her mouth.

"Oh, wow, Quinn, really? You guys are cool with that?"

Rachel smiled and Quinn nodded. "Yes. Actually, we just pity your family so we decided to get you off their backs." She then teased, which caused a snort from Santana, prompting Rachel to mutter good-naturedly under her breath: "Now we have her on ours."

Santana raised an eyebrow and pointed at Rachel. "I heard that, Berry!" Then she stood up and walk around the table towards Quinn. "Gee, Q, thank you, your offer just made my day! I would have had to share my room with at least one of the kids! And I promise I'll try to stay out of your hair."

"And out of my face, with your hands at least" Quinn shot back with a playful daring look and got up from her seat.

Jenna's eyes darted between the two bantering women back and forth. Rachel jumped in to explain in a low voice: "Santana slapped her across the face once. I mean, _really_ slapped her."

The red haired's eyes grew big. "What? Jesus, Quinn has an interesting bunch of friends, I have to say," she chuckled, quickly penning down her comment in parallel.

"Yeah, don't know what is it that attracts all these challenging people to her otherwise even tempered and charming nature." That comment earned Rachel a slap on the shoulder from Quinn which prompted Jenna to state:

"Ok, I see that you probably weren't all that innocent when you received that facial treatment from Santana, Quinn."

"You got that right, Jenna!" Santana grinned at her.

Quinn huffed at that, clearly not wanting to translate that and Jenna's words into sign language, compromising herself even more. She did nevertheless, adding without saying it: _I don't know why I keep digging that whole you three shoved me into deeper by having to repeat all the nasty things they tell about me in ASL. That's really tough._

She put on a grumpy face that made Rachel laugh.

"Oh, poor mistreated you!" She stood up quickly, placing a pacifying kiss on her pouting lips.

_Maybe I can jump in and help out, Quinn. I have no trouble interpreting these teasers that are at least half way true, I have to admit,_ Kurt offered also in ASL, not voicing the sentence.

_Thanks Kurt. Good to have such friends. Glad to be the object of entertainment here," _Quinn answered signing, still pouting.

Rachel watched the silent exchange, noticing the clueless looks from the other three people in the room, secretly enjoying a bit to be in the inclusive for once instead of having to wait for a relay. She saw Blaine asking Kurt what he just had said, but his boyfriend shook his head and said something that included "between us" from what she could read from his lips, pointing towards Quinn, himself and her. She turned back and placed a gentle hand on her girlfriend's cheek and stroke it softly with her thumb, donating a dazzling and warming smile at her which Quinn gratefully acknowledged.

Santana gently pulled Rachel's attention back by touching her on the shoulder. "Ok, you two, enough of the heartbreaking stuff." She smiled at Quinn gratefully. "I really appreciate your offer, Q. Thanks," and she raised her arms to hug her friend.

Quinn took a step back and held up a hand. "No!" Then continued signing in parallel "You get to hug me later. Actually, Rachel deserves the main praise. It was her idea. She came up with it on her own."

Santana crocked an eyebrow. "Really?" That seemed to surprise her. And turning towards Rachel: "You suggested that I move in with Quinn? I hope not to torture me with your nightly … exercises."

A roll of eyes from Rachel was directed at her. "Yes, Santana, what do you think, I still have to get some revenge for the one or other Slushie. Might as well steal you some sleep with our _nightly exercises_ as you so nicely call them," Rachel retorted flippantly, which caused the rest of the room to laugh.

"Thought so." Santana stepped over to Rachel and pulled her into a tight hug. "Thank you, Rachel!" When they pulled apart, her dark eyes locked with the smaller woman's for a moment, squeezed her shoulders lightly before letting go.

"Rachel just thought that you might not feel too comfortable for a longer time with your aunt and uncle. I guess she was right, when I think about your cousin's visit. Actually, it might also be better for your little great-nieces and nephews if you are out of reach, we all know how much you like kids." Quinn quipped up from behind.

Santana winced playfully. "God, maybe I should look for new friends, these ones here are just not appreciative enough of me."

"Kurt and I can offer you a bed at our place," Blaine smirked.

"Ugh, yeah, right, your place doesn't even have _doors_, you think I'd want to listen to _you _having a go at it half the night? No, then I rather prefer some girl-smooching."

"Santana!" Rachel gasped as she understood what she had said.

Kurt plugged his fingers in his ear singing. "Lalalalala, I didn't hear anything, I didn't hear anything!" which made everyone laugh again.

Santana finally got to hug Quinn and thanked her as well. They shortly agreed to talk about the details the next day.

When everyone had finished eating, Rachel and Jenna cleared the table. She found it nice that Quinn's friend had offered to help, while Quinn prepared the dessert. Rachel noticed that the other petite woman would throw a glance at Santana who was animatedly chatting with Kurt and Blaine once in a while.

At one point, when she had Jenna's attention, she whispered: "You know, Santana has a soft heart. Don't let yourself be deterred by her somewhat gruff behavior."

Jenna smiled at that. Then she looked around and found a notebook on the counter. She pointed at it with a questioning look. Rachel nodded and the younger woman scribbled something on an empty page, not being shy about addressing this topic to Rachel.

_She has a nice voice._

"Yes, and that voice can sing really well," the brunette answered.

_Really? She is a singer as well?_

"No, not in her career, but we were in Glee club together. I wonder why she never wanted to pursue a career singing." Rachel was surprised that the hurt which usually came when she talked about such topics was easier to bear this time. She felt comfortable talking to Jenna about this, even though the other woman had seen her perform before. But her openness and the way she did not dance around a topic was quite refreshing.

Jenna threw another glance at the Latina who met her gaze and held it for a second, lifting one corner of her mouth in a half smile before turning back to Kurt.

When they were at the table enjoying their dessert, Rachel had a good vantage point to watch the interaction between the two women further. She was currently not interested in the conversations around the table, but observed the interaction between Jenna and Santana while enjoying her fruit salad with ice cream.

Quinn let the ice cream melt on her tongue, imagining what it would do on Rachel stomach. The vegan vanilla ice cream would make a nice contrast on Rachel's tanned skin. Her eyes automatically found their way to her lover sitting next to her and she trailed them down from her face to her dropping neckline. Realizing what she was doing, she gulped and pulled her eyes away from the alluring naked skin she glimpsed at beneath the fabric.

Then Quinn wondered if she should help Rachel catch up again on the conversations that were going around, but she noticed how her girlfriend seemed content just watching two of their guests. Quinn's gaze followed Rachel's and she was intrigued by the chemistry between the two other women opposite of her. She tried to blend out the conversation she was hearing and concentrated on the visible cues that passed between the two other women.

Interesting.

Jenna was not really Santana's type, besides Jenna was not gay. Even though she was single for the past months, she had always had boyfriends before. Yeah, right, Quinn, as if _that_ deterred you to fall for a woman, she reminded herself. She had learned that life really can have some surprises in store for one, so she was just content watching and trying not to draw conclusions before anything happened.

At one point, Rachel switched seats with Santana and sat next to Kurt to catch up with him on his week and to congratulate Blaine on their wedding plans. Blaine thanked her shortly and kept silent otherwise. Then he excused himself quickly to go to the bathroom. Rachel followed him with her gaze, her brows furrowed.

_Rachel, I am sorry if Blaine seems a little put off, _Kurt signed silently and Rachel answered likewise.

_Honestly Kurt, I think he has a problem with _me_ … or rather with me not being able to hear. He never reacted like this before, _Rachel stated. _I don't know why, but he never looked at me during the whole dinner, he just kept avoiding me. _

Kurt sighed. _I honestly don't know what his problem is. But you are right, that is not the Blaine I know. I wonder why he acts like that. I am sorry if that hurt your feelings, Rachel. _

_I'll talk to him. _

"Ok." Then Blaine joined them again, still looking uncomfortable around Rachel. She soon wrapped up her conversation with Kurt, who obviously felt torn between accommodating his boyfriend and not wanting to be impolite to his friend.

She excused herself and went to use the bathroom. When she closed the door, she let out a breath and leaned against the wood. She noticed how every fiber of her being was vibrating with constant tension and drive to stay alert to her surroundings. Exhaustion was crawling up her limbs. When she exited, she found her girlfriend waiting outside.

_You ok?_ Quinn attentively asked. _You seemed a little sad when you left the table._

"I'm ok. Just noticed that I am getting really tired. I don't know why, but this is really exhausting for me. Guess I need more time and practice until I can be a bit more at ease at such gatherings," she smiled tiredly and then pulled herself together.

"Let's get back to our guests." But Quinn held her back and enveloped her in a tight embrace, placing a kiss on the top of her head. Rachel allowed herself to snuggle into her arms and let herself be held for a minute. This loving physical contact gave her the feeling to be a bit more centered again, to have a bit more strength again.

Kurt, also sensitive to his friend's state, soon started to break up the round, using his scheduled Saturday performance as a reason to leave early. Blaine also had a scheduled play so he eagerly jumped up as well. Rachel let herself be hugged by her friend and Kurt promised her to meet for coffee the upcoming Monday morning.

"Ok, take care and break a leg tomorrow!"

_I will, but not literally,_ Kurt joked signing. _Thank you for dinner, it was really nice to meet Santana again and getting to know Jenna. Let's repeat this soon!_

He quickly hugged Quinn as well and got his and Blaine's jacket from the wardrobe.

Blaine gave Quinn a hug and shrugged into the jacket that Kurt held for him. He then gave a short wave at Rachel and quickly turned towards the door.

_What was that all about?_ Quinn huffed as the door closed behind them. _Couldn't he at least say goodbye to you in a proper way?_

"It's alright Quinn, I guess he just did not feel comfortable around me. At least that is what I think."Rachel stated in a low voice. Sensing an upcoming tirade from Quinn in regards to Blaine's insensitivity, she tried to stall her upfront.

"Quinn, let's just leave it for tonight, ok? Or let's at least discuss it later when we are alone. We still have two guests," she indicated with a small jerk of her head in the direction of the living room.

Quinn let out a sigh after a moment. _Ok. Fine. For now._

Then she quickly cupped Rachel's face and placed a kiss on her lips, and was rewarded with a small smile.

Santana and Jenna were talking animatedly about the movies they had watched over the last couple of months. When Rachel and Quinn joined them again at the table, the conversation changed to Santana's job and when she would start working. She was excited about her new field of work and wondered what kind of clients she would have.

Soon after that, she also made her leave as she had to drive with her family to run some errands in the morning and in order to avoid the usual weekend rush in the stores, her aunt insisted on being ready as soon as the doors opened.

Santana bade her good-byes with the promise to report back from her first day on Monday.

Jenna was the last one to leave, after helping the two women to clean up the rest of the dishes and the kitchen. When they accompanied Jenna to the door, she turned around and gave Rachel a hug, handing her a piece of paper.

_Thank you for the nice evening. It was really great meeting you! Until next time, I hope soon! Jenna_

Rachel gratefully hugged Quinn's friend. "Thank you Jenna, it was my pleasure to get to know you. I can see why Quinn likes you so much. Let's meet again soon!"

Quinn nodded. "I agree! Let me know as soon as you hear something, ok?"

"Yes, I promise!" And with a small but friendly wave, she was out of the door.

Quinn turned and leaned against the closed entry, stretching out her arms, begging for Rachel to come closer. When she did, she wrapped her arms around her and held her for a long while.

Then she loosened her arms a bit so she could sign._ So, tell me honestly, how do you feel? And no beating around the bush!_

"Quinn, you have been asking me this already two times tonight." Rachel answered a little exasperatedly.

_I worry about you. I want you to feel ok with the situation, I mean with this,_ and she made a sweeping motion towards the table that their friends had been sitting at just moments ago.

Rachel placed her hand lightly on Quinn's neck. "Thank you for being so concerned. I am tired, a little overwhelmed and very grateful for you and Kurt to have gone through such an effort of signing for me. That really made me feel included, even though I still missed out probably half of the conversations." When she saw the dreary look on Quinn's face, she hastened to explain.

"No, not because of you or Kurt. It's just in the nature of things." She pecked her girlfriend's lips and then pulled back again, resting her brown eyes on Quinn's. "You are really wonderful Quinn. I love you." With that, she kissed her again deeply and passionately. Slowly she flicked her tongue out, probing against the other woman's lips who eagerly met her with her own.

After a long moment, they pulled themselves away from each other to get ready for bed.

On their way to the bathroom, Rachel commented: "I like Jenna, she seems like a really nice and fun person. I am glad you found such a good friend at Yale, Quinn."

_She is great. What I like about her is that she tells you things head on, not dancing around the subject for long. You always know where you stand with her._

"Yes," Rachel laughed, "I have noticed."

In bed, they snuggled close together, and even though Rachel wanted to take advantage of having her girlfriend all to herself again, she felt sleep taking over. The longer she lay in their comfortable embrace under the warm blankets, the harder it was to keep her eyes open, but she tried. She noticed that her eyes had closed again on their own accord when she felt Quinn chuckle against her body. She lifted two very heavy lids to gaze into the hazel eyes that lovingly peered at her.

_Rachel, don't try to stay awake, it is ok. How about I rub your back and you just close your eyes and sleep, ok?_

"Hmh, 'kay. Guess it was more exhausting than I thought. Night Quinn, luv you," she mumbled the last words.

Quinn wanted to answer to that but judging by the regular and deep breathing that came from Rachel, she deducted that she was already asleep. Quinn was content to just hold her and stroke her lightly and gaze into her beautiful and peaceful face before she turned off the light as sleep also came over her.

"Sweet dreams, darling." With that, she placed a kiss on Rachel's forehead and let herself drift off.


	24. Chapter 24

**God, I am getting bored with this disclaimer. What will happen if I just ignore it? I just won't mention that I don't own Glee and that I don't own any of the original characters of the show ****for a change****. Right.  
**

**I cannot thank my faithfull beta-reader Nicole ****enough****. I don't think she signed on for such a long multi-chapter story, but she never complains and keeps on supporting me! **

**TheIrishGilmore: Thanks again for the great exchange we had about some ideas!**

**T****hank you so much for the reviews from the "new" readers and I absolutely appreciate the feedback from my "early" readers. Some of you have followed me and commented from the beginning! It is great to see how you experience the development in the story and the characters and that you take some time again and again to leave your thoughts!**

**I have to admit, this is one of my favorite chapters. **

* * *

**Chapter 24**

Santana had moved in with Quinn on the weekend following their dinner and their living arrangement actually worked out quite well. The Latina worked mostly during the day, sometimes even very early in the morning, which was quite a tough challenge for her. Some of her clients needed the exercise before they went to work, so the only option for them was giving it a go before seven a.m. Should Quinn be up that early as well for whatever reason, she would prudently try to stay out of Santana's way. The Latina was definitely not a morning person. The only interaction she would accept at that hour was Quinn handing her a cup of coffee, which at least made her push a "thanks" out of her mouth. The blonde felt a bit sorry for Santana's early morning clients, they were surely being pushed harder than necessary due to the Latina's morning grumpiness.

With their different working schedules, the two friends did not see each other as often as they thought especially when Quinn stayed at Rachel's place quite often. It was just easier for her to drive over there after her show instead of Rachel having to hang around Quinn's apartment, waiting until she came home. At least this way they would have some time to spend with each other. It had become quite a nice little routine for them to then catch up on their days and sometimes share a light late night snack, snuggled up against each other on the couch. They tried to see each other at least every other day if Quinn's busy schedule would allow for the time for the next few weeks. Quinn would often come to Rachel's apartment after her performance and stay the night.

On days when the actress would be home a bit earlier or on her rare days off, they would stay at Quinn's place.

One morning upon waking, Rachel found the spot besides her on the bed empty. A quick look at the alarm clock revealed that it was still very early in the morning, just past seven. Wondering where her girlfriend had disappeared to, she threw the covers back and got up.

Without the benefit of hearing what was going on in the apartment and the possibility of locating Quinn by sound, Rachel had to get up and look. She sat on the edge of the bed for a moment, yawning heartily before pulling on some thick woolen socks and a hoody over her pajama top. She drank some water from the bottle beside her bed and then padded out of the bedroom in search of her girlfriend. Passing the second guest room in Quinn's apartment, she noticed a movement. At first, she thought it was Santana, but the Latina slept in the room across the hall, just opposite this one - if she was still home. Rachel had no idea, since she could not hear her leave or rummage around the flat.

That was another thing she had to get used to. Living alone, she never had to worry about anyone else. Staying with Quinn once in a while and now having Santana live here as well, she had two people to keep track of. If she did not have them in her view, she was absolutely clueless as to where everybody was and what they were doing.

One morning she had run into a stark naked Santana, because the Latina had forgotten to lock the door when taking a shower. Rachel had stopped dead in her tracks when she saw her standing in front of the mirror, just a towel around her head. Santana had whipped around, eyes blazing at seeing Rachel standing in the door and she quickly wrote: _Knock? _on the foggy bathroom mirror, apparently asking in a very disgruntled way if Rachel couldn't have checked if someone was inside first. After her initial surprise, Rachel had somehow found it quite amusing to be asked such a question.

So she just quipped: "Yes, I can knock. But I won't know if anybody answers, unless you throw the door open. And then I would have seen the same picture. Well, maybe some of your more private parts would have been covered with another towel." She raised an eyebrow. "Just lock the door next time, Santana." With that she turned around and closed the door again, at least then having the good grace to blush, just as Quinn had walked up to her, coming out of their bedroom.

_You look like you have just peeped down the rabbit hole, Rachel._

"Uh, yeah, actually, only that this little rabbit wasn't covered in fur. I just walked in on Santana. Naked. I mean, I was dressed, she was naked."

Quinn lifted one side of her mouth in a smirk. _I doubt she has a problem with that. Don't worry. She is quite confident with her body. Don't let the grumpy behavior fool you. She always liked to parade around us in the locker room after Cheerios practice, not wearing anything. _

The blonde chuckled and quickly hugged her girlfriend to chase the embarrassment away.

One other little incidence happened when Rachel was cleaning some dishes in the kitchen sink. Upon turning she found Santana standing behind her rummaging around in the fridge. Rachel had been so caught up in her thoughts that she had not noticed Santana enter the kitchen area and it almost gave her a heart attack seeing the other woman standing so close behind her. After this Rachel was adamant about them announcing their presence by switching the lights quickly on an off should she not see them approach. The petite woman had to give the Latina some credit because she had looked absolutely remorseful and gratefully took up the advice about the light signal.

…...

Focusing back on her current search for her girlfriend, Rachel peered around the doorframe of the guestroom.

She found Quinn standing inside in front of a note stand, turned a little sideways towards the door, so Rachel could still see part of her face. She had an earphone plugged in her left ear, singing along to whatever melody was playing. Her eyes were closed, in her left hand she held an iPod, her right hand weaved through the air in a rhythmical movement.

Rachel was mesmerized by the play of emotions imprinted on Quinn's features. It turned from hurt to hope and back to hurt. She was wondering what song she was singing. Was it something from her show? Trying to not make any sound, she almost held her breath. It was difficult trying to be quiet if you could not hear your own movements. Judging from Quinn's performance, she had not noticed that she had an audience yet. Rachel quickly debated whether to make her presence known. After all that was what she had asked of the other women in regards to her condition.

But it was alluring to watch someone sing and only concentrate on the visual cues that came across. Even with being oblivious to the voice and music, Rachel found a strange fascination watching her girlfriend sing. Quinn was so caught up in the song that every fiber of her body seemed to be transmitting the pain and hurt that were so apparent in the lyrics. The brunette was completely captivated. If Quinn managed to draw her in even without Rachel being able to hear her voice, she did not doubt that the normal audience would be absolutely head over heels with one Quinn Fabray whenever she stood on the stage.

The petite woman tried to evoke the memories of her girlfriend's soft and a little silky voice in her mind and the effect with seeing her perform in front of her made goose bumps rise on her skin. Surprised by this reaction, Rachel gasped a little and looked at her arm. This small noise and movement was enough to catch Quinn's attention. She turned her head and smiled at Rachel who in that instant raised her head again to meet the hazel eyes observing her. Color rose to her cheeks and she started to apologize:

"I am sorry, Quinn … I … did not want to disturb you… I was… and then I saw you.. and it was just so … and I couldn't look away… God, I feel like a little schoolgirl caught with her hand in the cookie jar," she then laughed as she pinched the bridge of her nose. "I did not want to sneak up on you."

Quinn laughed at the cute display of embarrassment.

_So, eavesdropping, Miss Berry?_ She teased her girlfriend, which drew a sheepish smile from Rachel and a vehement shake of her head. Quinn stepped a little closer after laying the iPod on the stand in front of her. She placed a tender kiss on her girlfriend's lips before rushing on explaining:

_I couldn't sleep anymore so I decided to use the time for some practice. I, _she rested her hands for a moment,_ I did not want to, you know, make you feel uncomfortable with me …singing, _she finished.

Rachel pondered this explanation for a moment. In her heart she knew that she would have to face this eventually.

"Quinn, this is your job, you need to prepare for it. I know that it also requires time at home to get the new songs down, dialogues et cetera. You don't need to hide that from me, ok? And if you need the time, then tell me. I honestly understand!"

She watched Quinn take a deep breath.

_I was unsure of how... this would affect you, me addressing any issues regarding my job. I mean we have talked about little things regarding Broadway before, but never about me singing. I apologize that I tried to keep this away from you._

Rachel nodded as a sign of accepting the apology. She understood how Quinn wanted to be considerate and not confront her with it. But she also understood that this was an important and integrated part of Quinn, one that she should not have to hide, least of all from her girlfriend. And Rachel knew she would have to learn to live with the display of Quinn's talent.

She was aware of which role Quinn was playing and in which musical she was starring in. She had found this out even before her accident, but so far, she had hardly dared to ask her more about it. And Quinn had steered clear of the topic as well, maybe instinctively knowing that it would be a painful subject for Rachel to discuss. But this relationship would not work if Quinn had to hide this vital element of her life from her. That is why Rachel also insisted on her to start to openly talk about it with her.

Now was a good moment as any to start facing the topic and she let curiosity get the better of her.

"What song were you singing? Something for the concert?"

_No,_ the blonde laughed._ I was actually just singing along to Christina Aguilera's Blank Page. After practicing, I like to finish with a song I really like and today it was that._ Her hazel eyes watched the brown irises in front of her closely. _Do you know the song?_

As soon as the question was out, Quinn could have bitten her tongue. The song was quite recent and there was no way Rachel would be familiar with it, which her following words confirmed.

"No, I haven't heard it. But it looked like it contains much pain and conflict, judging by your expressions," she smiled softly at Quinn who nodded.

Quinn noticed a little pain in Rachel's eyes upon her first statement, but was again surprised on how Rachel still managed to talk or discuss something that was obviously out of her reach. She would not let herself be defeated by that as it might have been a few months ago, it seemed. Then her girlfriend's voice interrupted her train of thoughts.

"So, how about if I make some breakfast while you finish with your repertoire," Rachel batted her eyelashes in a coquette way at Quinn.

_How about I have you for breakfast, _Quinn signed back and placed small little kisses along the side of her girlfriend's slender neck.

"That… uh… would also be… a good option," Rachel managed in between breaths.

Quinn fingered at the brunette's hoody and opened the zipper, pulling the tank top low, until her kisses reached the swell of Rachel's breast. She felt her girlfriend' fingers wind around her hair on her neck and lean harder into her lips. Quinn absolutely loved how her caresses made Rachel react. How her body seemed to be detached from all sound reason, arching, moving, pressing against her, moaning, sighing, breathing in a way that told her Rachel was quickly getting aroused by her caresses.

Then she heard another sound and despite the worked up state she was in, Quinn had to laugh. She drew back a little and looked at Rachel, who threw her a confused look.

"What?"

_Your stomach just rumbled like a five billion megawatt thunder rolling through the sky. _

Rachel had felt the grumbling in her belly, but could not care less about it at that moment. "Oh that. Ignore it!"

_I think we should get you fed first, before continuing this here._

She took Rachel's hand, tugging her out of the door in the direction of the kitchen, causing the petite woman to wail while unwillingly trudging after her.

"Nooooooo I am not hungry I don't need to eat I need you to kiss me and shower me with more of your love and to hold me and I need to kiss you and we need to make love and how on god's earth can you think of food right now? And why are you just standing there looking at me, say something or at least kiss me!"

They had arrived at the kitchen and Quinn leaned against the counter.

_I was just wondering when you were going to take a breath,_ Quinn laughed. _Listen, we still have five hours before I have to leave for the theater for the afternoon show. This is time enough for eating AND kissing. Ok?_

Rachel let herself fall against her, fully trusting the blond woman to hold her. She had her lower lip pushed out in a little pout, looking absolutely adorable to Quinn who could hardly hold on to her plan to feed her girlfriend first. Only after she promised Rachel they would have breakfast in bed – Quinn tried to not think about the crumbs in the sheets – and that yes, she would get a kiss after _each_ bite did the petite woman conceded.

...…..…...

Whenever Rachel came over to Quinn's place and Santana was home as well, they would sometimes share the evening preparing a meal or watch a movie together. On one of those evenings, Quinn's phone buzzed as all three of them were just sitting down for an early dinner. Rachel felt the vibration through the wood of the dining table. She and Santana simultaneously looked up.

Quinn threw a look at the device and furrowed her brow.

"Shit!" Quinn stared at her phone with dismay. Rachel tapped on her arm.

"What?"

"Leonor, the other lead actress is sick. I need to perform tonight." She turned and looked at the clock that stood on the counter. It was shortly before six.

Two disappointed faces looked at her. "Oh," was all Rachel managed.

"Damn," Quinn muttered and jumped up, "I have less than two hours to get ready, and I still need to warm up," she mumbled as she dashed into the bedroom.

Rachel and Santana looked after her. Then the brunette shyly tugged on the Latina's sleeve.

"What did she say?" Santana saw the questioning brown eyes in front of her. She held up a finger and got a piece of paper and a pen. Sitting down again, she wrote her answer.

The petite woman only nodded once as she read the words, biting her lower lip. Santana watched her for a moment and wanted to write something else as Quinn rushed out of the bedroom, having exchanged her soft cotton pants for jeans, buckling her belt while opening the bathroom door with her elbow, quickly grabbing a brush and running back to the table, while pulling the comb through her hair.

She cupped Rachel's face, placing a kiss on her lips and mouthed "sorry".

"I know. Break a leg, and warm up thoroughly!" With one last kiss Rachel sent her on her way.

The brunette watched Quinn rush out after grabbing her purse and jacket and felt bereft without her presence instantly. Much more so since she was staying at Quinn's apartment and all of a sudden she questioned her right to be there if her girlfriend was not present. But she got distracted when she noticed Santana pushing the paper towards her again. It seemed like a natural gesture now, but it had cost the Latina some courage to face up to actually address the topic with Rachel.

A week after Santana had moved in, she had asked Rachel if she could visit her at her apartment. Rachel had been surprised, not knowing where this was heading but agreed. Quinn and she had decided to stay at their own flats on that Saturday evening because Quinn would be home very late that day. They would meet Sunday morning for breakfast, so Rachel had time for Santana the evening before.

After the somewhat awkward moments and with gentle probing from Rachel's side, Santana had finally dropped the cool pretend act. The initial reason she gave Rachel for her visit was just to see how she were. The petite woman sensed that there was more behind it, especially since the Latina seemed a little unsure around her, though not as uncomfortable as Blaine was. She tried to put Santana at ease, finally managing to coax the actual reason for the visit from her friend. Santana surprised her with a page filled with questions and thoughts she had prepared.

They were basically similar questions to the ones that Quinn had asked her before and she was genuinely astonished that Santana really wanted to know all these details. She tried to keep her answers short in the beginning, but Santana kept digging, needing to understand more about Rachel's situation. So Rachel elaborated a little more with each question, getting the feeling that Santana was really interested. It surprised the brunette. She had not thought someone else would want to know so much about her or her condition, much less Santana Lopez. The more she explained and let the other woman into her world and experiences, the more the guard Santana had held up dropped.

While sitting at Rachel's kitchen counter and watching the brunette tentatively explain and answer her questions, Santana admitted to herself that Quinn had been right. It was good to openly talk to Rachel, it took the edge somehwhat off the whole deaf-thing. Understanding more about it made it also easier to communicate with her former Glee colleague. And Santana discovered that when ignoring the still slightly cumbersome act of having to write everything down, Rachel was actually easy to be with and forthright with her answers. Something that was highly appreciated by Santana.

In the end they spent quite a nice, relaxed evening with a glass of wine, ending up talking about Santana's new job and the people she came in contact with and how she loved pushing those corporate managers to their limit.

Remembering what had caused her to think back to that evening, Rachel zoomed back into the present, gazing at Santana's words in front of her.

_Does that always happen in this business? That sucks! _

Rachel crunched her brows, trying to figure out what Santana was referring to. Then she guessed that she was probably asking about Quinn having to stand-in on short notice.

"Well, not always, but it does happen. I had to cancel a trip to go skiing with a friend once because our other lead got sick. And she did not come back for three weeks, because she caught a really nasty flu. When she finally returned, I felt like falling into a coma and not wake up for the next three days." Rachel smiled.

Santana's pen poised over the paper, and then she scribbled the question down.

_Do you miss it a lot?_

Rachel narrowed her eyes at the query, then closed her eyes for a moment before speaking, as if transporting herself back onto stage. Exhaling, she answered.

"Yes. Yes, I do. Not just the singing or acting, it's the whole atmosphere, the adrenaline, the tension before the beginning of the show, the rushing back and forth of the actors and dancers backstage, getting dressed, warming up, slipping into the character. And I always loved the final dress rehearsal, that, actually, is almost better than the premiere... " Her eyes took on a certain gleam as she remembered and Santana felt in her soul that whatever happened, Rachel needed to get back into the limelight somehow. However it might look like, but this girl needed to find a way someday to show off her talent in any way possible. No matter what.

"Well, Santana, you don't have to stay here if you want to go out, you know," Rachel then stated which startled the other woman out of her thoughts.

_Who says I can't have a fun evening with you?_ Santana raised a perfectly arched eyebrow when Rachel had read her comment.

"Don't know, there are certainly more exciting things to do than hanging out with me."

Rachel did not know what brought her so down all of a sudden. She felt catapulted back seven years ago when even a glance from Santana Lopez in her direction would have been considered a miracle since she usually never gave her the time of day. Other than the times when they were singing and helping to win a championship for the Glee Club, Santana had not paid much attention to her.

It was stranger that after all this time, after all her achievements, these old feelings would resurface. It had nothing to do with her deafness alone. It was just that Santana exuded such strength, toughness and security about herself that Rachel had a hard time finding her own standing in her presence. Even though Santana had done nothing to belittle her. She was just… Santana. When she had visited her in her apartment, asking her all these questions about her deafness, Rachel had not felt like this. Seeing or sensing Santana's insecurity towards her and knowing that it was up to Rachel to either fortify or quench them gave her a confidence that she now lacked. She let out a long breath. When she saw the Latina still sitting there, watching her, she was almost surprised.

She found a new question written on the paper.

_Have you ever thought about turning to pure acting now instead of singing? _

Rachel huffed. "Santana!"

_What_?_ You are a good actress. A very good one. Why not take it up again?_

"Because I can't hear, Santana. Jesus, why do I keep repeating myself to remind you all of that? It seems like everyone around me does not hear what I am saying. Why would anyone want to work with me? Besides, how many movies are there that feature a deaf character? How am I supposed to follow instructions, react to my co-partner et cetera? There are hundreds of actresses out there, great actresses that all have perfect hearing. And having a hearing actress learn ASL for a role is much easier than having a deaf actress learn the whole script – even that of her co-actors in order to know when her cues are up, and organising an interpreter for her all the time so she can understand what the director explains to her."

_Yes, maybe there are thousands of actresses out there. But only one Rachel Berry. And this Rachel Berry I know has never – NEVER – let anything come between her and her dream. _

"Santana, that Rachel Berry still had all the things running for her. That Rachel Berry did not have to cope with being deaf every damn day. And she did not have to wonder every day what the hell she should do with her life."

_Look, Berry, there are so many people who did what they loved, even though everything stood against them, Paul McCartney's ex-wife became a model even though she had lost her leg in an accident. There is Marlee Matlin and even that Beethoven guy did what he loved no matter what.  
If you don't go by the standards others have set, then you just have to set up your own standards! _

_Why not try to convince some producer that if they want to portray realistic characters, lives and stories, they have to choose an actor who has a realistic experience, without focusing everything on her disability. There are, I don't know how many deaf, blind and otherwise handicapped people out there living their lives, managing their day to day business, why not have someone like that in a movie without making the disability the main topic. Let it just be a fact and nothing more. That's a challenge I would dare to take on, Rachel. Or better, I would dare any director or producer to take on.  
If you are convinced of yourself, of living your dream, of doing what you love most, then you can also manage to convince others._

Rachel understood that Santana had a valid point. But there was something else she just noticed and could not quite answer for herself.

"I don't know if I _want_ to put myself in the spotlight, like…. this." She made a dismissive gesture towards her ear. "And in regards to your other point, that is exactly where the crux lies, Santana. I am not convinced of myself yet. I'm not sure I could do it. Why do you all keep pushing me?"

Santana quickly placed her hand on Rachel's before drawing back to write.

_Who else is pushing you? I am certain Quinn didn't ever mention something in this direction to you. I think you are the one who put yourself under the most pressure, Rachel. Because I see this fire that is still burning inside of you. And there is nothing that can extinguish it. I do not know many people with your strength and drive to achieve her dreams, Rachel. Don't forget your dream. Adapt it, if you must. But don't throw it away and forget about it! _

Santana looked at her for a while, Rachel felt as if those dark eyes cut right through her and hit on the very essence of her soul. She was at a loss for words. What should she answer to that? It was true in a way. But she was also at a loss of ideas. The obstacle of her disability just seemed too big to overcome to follow her dream in any possible way. Not if her handicap was just so damn obvious. These thoughs seemed to have been written on her face as Santana's following question was spot on.

_Rachel, why do you think you can only play roles that require a deaf actress? _

The brunette stood up and threw her hands up in the air and let out an exasperated gasp. "Santana, you don't get it, do you?"

_No, I don't, Rachel. Obviously, you can still speak perfectly fine. _

"God, why does everyone keep saying that to me? Do you have any idea what that does to me? How would you feel if I kept dangling something in front of your face, something that you wish for with all your might, but you know you might never get it? How would you feel?"

Santana did not let herself be pushed off course. _Well, Rachel, have you ever tried? How can you say you can't if you don't know?_

Rachel gasped for air. She just could not believe she was having this conversation. She spoke the next words as if Santana were mentally debilitated, pronouncing every word very slowly. "Santana, I cannot hear myself. So I will not know how I sound. How will I ever know that I deliver the lines in the correct way?" Then she spoke normally again though more to herself. "Sometimes I keep asking myself why you and Kurt can't see the obvious."

This last remark puzzled the Latina.

_Kurt? What does Kurt have to do with that?_

"Nothing," Rachel shook her head. Then she let out a long breath. Santana sensed there was more to come and stayed quiet.

To her own surprise, Rachel found the courage to tell the other woman about the little "incident" with the piano. She sat back down.

"I didn't even notice that I was actually humming along. Kurt heard me. It was one of the most embarrassing moments in my whole life."

_Why? What did he say?_ This perked Santana's interest. Apparently, Rachel had not talked about this before and she wondered why she was the first person, besides Kurt, to know about this.

Rachel gave her a sideway glance and fiddled with her glass. "It doesn't matter what he said." She noted how Santana narrowed her eyes and hastened to add: "No. He wasn't mean or anything. So don't go jump on him, ok?"

The Latina mouthed an 'ok' and nodded once, trying to gauge what had happened between the two friends that Rachel had such difficulties talking about it. She stayed silent, quietly observing her friend as she continued to play with her glass. After another moment, Santana probed:

_Whatever he said, it had you quite worked up. So if you want to talk about it, I am here, ok?_

After reading the statement, Rachel exhaled, hesitated for another second and then blurted out: "Oh, he just wanted me to do it again. Said I was perfectly in tune. There, I said it. Happy now?"

She propped her elbows on the table, rubbing her temples. It was unfair to snap at Santana but this whole talk had her put quite on edge. This whole topic was like an ever-inflamed wound.

She felt a hand on her forearm and unwillingly turned her head, letting her gaze drop to the paper.

_Why is this such a bad thing, Rachel?_

"Because… because I miss it so much and even if I still might manage to hold one little tune, I will never _know_ that. It will never be the same. Don't you get it?"

_Ok, I can get that. Since you think that people do not see the obvious, maybe it is you who does not see it. I believe you are too much in your head. Stop thinking and assuming. Just try. You need to perform, Rachel. In whatever way possible. If you can't sing anymore, then act. At least give acting a try before throwing everything to waste. And you know what, for what it's worth, if there was one person on this god's earth who could sing with her ears closed, it would be you, Rachel Berry. You are the only person I personally believe who could pull it off. That's my opinion. But I also get that you don't want to touch upon that topic. _

Rachel could only stare at Santana as she sat in her chair, calmly looking her square in the eye. The brunette only managed to shake her head at the words. The whole world must have gone nuts.

"Jesus. You don't know when to stop, do you, Santana?"

_Nope. You know me. I am always straightforward and honest. Some call me a bitch because of that. I tell people what I think. And I didn't tell you that because I want to hurt you. I told you because I think everybody else is too chicken to do it. And either you get over it or you try it. _

The last remark stung. Rachel banged her fork hard on the table and stood up, leaning heavily on her arms.

"Fuck you, Santana Lopez! You are a needling sneaking bitch. You just want people to dislike you, don't you? Why? Because you are afraid to get hurt if someone might actually like you? Is that why you always try to hit people where it hurts the most?"

She hardly ever used swear words. Rachel was convinced that one could live happily ever after without using them in their daily language. However, in the rare cases when she did apply them, it was a sign that she was close to exploding. Her anger had started to boil and was ready to blow off the top. Even more so as the other woman seemed so unscathed by her hurt and anger. Slowly, Santana took up the pen and started writing again, hardly ever looking down on the page, all the while keeping Rachel in her gaze.

_Don't deflect, Rachel. You know damn well what I said was true. That talent of yours did not die with your hearing. It will be more difficult to work out, yes, but it's still there. You've got nothing more to lose. You already lost everything. Start building up something new or remodel your old dream. That's all I'm saying. _

Rachel slowly let her gaze crawl up from the page to Santana's face. She just sat there and stared at her with her damn black eyes, wearing that smug expression. What was it with the Latina that she always managed to needle her way into the most sensible spots of another person. She instinctively knew where their weakest point was and was never too shy to point it out to that person, whether they wanted to hear it or not. Santana might as well have punched Rachel right in the face. That would have had the same effect as those words.

Her eyes fell back on the page. She had nothing to lose. Right. Damn right.

While she was still staring at the words, Rachel felt a strange feeling inside her all of a sudden. It was building up in her stomach, growing, moving upwards. She could not hold it back and it just burst out of her.

The whole situation was so strange that Rachel's anger dissipated as if a plug had been pulled. These past weeks had turned her life around completely and sometimes it was just too unbelievable to grasp. Months ago she was so devastated and feeling utterly alone, now she was here in Quinn's apartment – her _girlfriend_ Quinn's apartment - fighting with Santana Lopez, a former high school nemesis, throwing swear words at the Latina that she herself could not hear. Everything seemed so absurd all of a sudden that she burst out laughing. At first, Santana shot her an astonished look and then the corners of her mouth curved upwards. Looking at Santana, Rachel saw her smile widen until she also started laughing.

Rachel fell down in her chair, holding her stomach. She could not stop. Hard as she tried, the laughter came bubbling up and every time she gazed at Santana, she had to laugh more seeing that the Latina also had to wipe away some tears that ran across her cheeks from laughing so hard.

When they finally managed to get a grip on themselves, Santana quickly placed her hand on Rachel's before drawing back to write.

_You'll figure it out. I know you can still rock the damn show biz :-)! It would be nothing without a Rachel Berry! _

This drew a small smile from Rachel.

_I believe in you. You have done a great job getting back into contact with your friends, even with Jenna who you didn't know before. Rachel, you are a great person. Don't hide. Keep on going forward! _

The petite woman had to digest the words and did not know how to comment on it.

"So, what do we do now with this evening?" Rachel asked after a moment, clearly distracting from the former discussed topic. Their food had gone cold by now and neither woman seemed to be hungry.

_You know what, I got an idea._

The idea was bold and Santana did not know how Rachel would take it when she pulled her phone out of her pocket and quickly dialed a number. When the other person answered, Santana rapidly spoke a couple of sentences that were unreadable for Rachel as she had tilted her head down while talking, playing absentmindedly with her leftover food.

When she finished, she grinned at Rachel and got up.

"Let's go!" And Santana motioned towards the door with her head, seeing that Rachel had understood.

"Where are we going, Santana?" Rachel asked cautiously, not sure if she wanted to go on a wild ride through New York City with Santana Lopez.

The Latina just smiled, quirked an eyebrow and ever so slightly motioned with her head towards the door. Rachel slowly grabbed her jacket, wondering if she was going to regret this. Santana quickly turned back, grabbing another sheet of paper and the pen off the table, stuffing it into her pocket. Then she took Rachel by the shoulders and gently pushed her out of the door.

* * *

**I have to say, I really love Santana's character. She is great to give an edge to a scene. She has this certain attitude to get down to the grain, not stopping when it becomes painful. But that is sometimes where the relevant and important stuff lies. **

...

**Personal note: I am looking for a beta-reader for my second story 'A Lazy Day' as my original beta-reader unfortunately had to resign due to private reasons. If you have any recommendations or are up to the task yourself, please let me know! (The prologue is uploaded, so you can already have a rough idea what it is about.)  
**


	25. Chapter 25

**Sincerest apologies for the two week "hiatus". It was not planned and believe me I did not want to tease you. As mentioned before, I started a new job and my wonderful beta-reader also had some things to take care of. **

**Glad you liked the Santana-Rachel interaction and thanks for letting me know! It is always great to hear what you think. **

**JPElles: Would be interested to know why you think Kurt is not best friend material – honest question! **

**Oh, before I forget: You know the drill. Glee is not mine, nor will it ever be…. I wish I'd come up with the whole stuff and the characters, but noooo, wasn't me. Unfortunately.**

**Anyway, here comes the next chapter.**

**Hop****e you enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter 25**

During the cab ride to wherever they were going – Rachel still had no idea and Santana was being very secretive about their destination – she asked the Latina:

"Have you never thought about becoming a professional singer? You have such a great voice and talent. I have always wondered why you never did pursue a career in acting or singing."

Santana just shrugged in a non-committal way, pulling the empty sheet of paper out she had pocketed earlier and wrote her answer.

_Don't know. I have always liked singing, but somehow I have never thought about doing it for a living._

"Why not? What held you back?" Rachel was curious. Santana had the looks, the voice and the attitude to succeed, and she was sure that Santana knew that herself. So what was the real reason behind her hesitation?

The Latina looked out of the window, clearly reluctant to answer that question. Finally, she turned back to Rachel, quirking one side of her mouth up in a half smile while moving the pen over the paper.

_Let's just say I did not feel like it, ok? _

She was clearly brushing Rachel off with this response, not wanting to discuss this any further. Rachel did not care. If Santana got to grill her, she had the exact same right.

"How come you get to tell me all these intense and private things but as soon as I start to ask a question that goes deeper than the superficial day to day crap you immediately lock yourself up?"

Santana was surprised at the statement. She had not expected Rachel to keep looking behind her so carefully build up façade. The only ones she had allowed some glimpses behind it were Quinn and Brittany. And even with both of them it was not often that she had opened up. The Latina let her eyes rest on the smaller woman sitting beside her.

_You won't let this rest, will you? _She then scribbled down.

"No. I guess I learned from the best," the brunette retorted without hesitation and with an arched eyebrow.

It was never easy for Santana to talk about her true inner feelings. But she and Rachel had come quite a way from being high school acquaintances to becoming friends. She had come to truly liking Rachel and really wished for her to find her way and she would support her in any way she could. The Latina felt that it was actually ok to let Rachel see some of her truth. Santana felt that she could trust her friend. Rachel would not use that knowledge against her. Besides she was right. Santana had gleaned a lot from the former diva; it was only fair to give something back.

_Fine, if you must know. I did not know where to go or what to do. I was too lazy to apply to any art school and… well, I guess my parents would not really have approved of it. _

_And I did not really know which direction to turn to. I kinda felt clueless. Still do._

"Ha, welcome to the club," Rachel commented which made Santana laugh.

They seemed to have neared their destination as Santana leaned forward and pointed towards the curb just behind a little side street, indicating the driver to stop there. Rachel looked out of the window and sensed a sinking feeling in her stomach.

She knew this area.

She had memorized every street and building in this part of the town just by staring at a New York map for hours already as a kid. After living in the city of her dreams, she could recognize it even with her eyes closed.

What the hell had possessed Santana to bring her here? And why the hell did she trust the Latina to allow her to ferry her across town without insisting on being told where they were headed?

"Santana, don't tell me that you really planned to drag me here…" she could not finish her sentence as Santana placed a finger on her lips to hush her friend. Then she pulled out some money, paid the cab driver, and scooted out of the back door, grabbing a frowning Rachel and pulled her out of the cab with her.

When they stood on the curb on 45th street, between 8th avenue and Broadway, Rachel slowly exhaled, and lifted her head and eyes from the pavement to take in her surroundings. She had not planned to ever come back to this part of the town. She felt a pang in her heart and at the same time, the familiar flame of excitement rise in her chest. They were not far from her old theater and she saw the rush of people moving towards the buildings for the evening shows. After slowly turning around her own axis, she noticed Santana's dark eyes resting on her, carefully taking in her posture and features as if monitoring what being here did to her.

"Well," Rachel swallowed, trying to ease the situation more for herself than for Santana. "I am still standing. I have not dissolved into tears yet, so I guess that is a good sign."

The Latina kept her gaze trained on Rachel, reached out and squeezed the smaller woman's hand encouragingly. Then she smiled and jerked her head towards the narrow backstreet, pulling Rachel with her, not letting go of her hand.

At a large metal door, she knocked three times and a tall, elderly man with graying hair opened, looking questioningly at them. Santana said something to him and he nodded, stepping aside, opening the door wider so they could enter.

The Latina strode inside first, making sure with a quick look over her shoulder that Rachel followed. She stepped in after Santana and they moved along a narrow hallway. At the end, Santana turned around and the guy motioned them to move to the right. Santana lifted her hand in thanks and bound around the corner, where a lot of doors lined the walls on each side.

Rachel knew where they were, backstage at the dressing room section. Her heart started beating hard in her chest. She felt a rush of adrenaline flow through her veins. Part of her was excited to breathe the theater air, to pick up the tension in the air, to imagine the voices with last directions wafting from the stage, the audience filing in, mumbling, shifting, laughing and the voices of the actors drifting through the doors while warming up. Her eyes started glowing a bit and Santana noticed that with a small satisfactory grin before she halted in front of a door that held a small sign with two names: Quinn Fabray/Leonor de Witt.

Rachel suddenly felt like a little teenager to meet her favorite star for the first time. At the same time, she was so proud of Quinn to have managed to come this far - having her name on the door of a dressing room in one of the big theaters on Broadway! Santana stepped back, letting Rachel do the honor of knocking on the door. Then the petite woman turned and as Santana nodded in answer to her silent question if they were allowed in, she slowly opened the door. Quinn stood in front of the mirror, just buttoning the blouse her character was wearing during the first scenes. She looked up from her hands that fumbled with the little pearl buttons and met Rachel's eyes in the reflection. Her jaw dropped and she jerked around.

"Rachel! What…!" She looked at Santana who had a very, very smug smile on her face, "… come in, what are you two doing here?" Quinn signed in parallel.

Rachel's eyes flickered between her girlfriend and Santana. "Um, actually, I don't know. You'd have to ask Santana that. Until a couple of minutes ago I had no idea where that woman was taking me."

"Yeah, which was actually better, because otherwise you never would have come!" The Latina retorted.

Quinn wrapped her girlfriend in a warm embrace and held her for a long moment, first placing a kiss on top of her head and then on her soft lips.

_What a great surprise! I… I am a little overwhelmed, I have to admit. _Quinn laughed, a bit embarrassed while she signed the words without voicing them.

_Yes, well, me too,_ Rachel signed back, still not believing that she was actually _inside_ a theater again.

Quinn's hazel eyes searched hers. _Are you ok? _

The smaller woman nodded. _Yes, I am fine. It feels strange being here, taking in this familiar atmosphere but not participating. I need a little time to digest it, I think._

She felt a light tap on her shoulder. Santana said something and Rachel looked at Quinn who filled her in with signing and speaking at the same time.

"She's reminding us that she is also here and would like to participate in our conversation. Poor Santana feels a bit left out, I think," Quinn added for Rachel's benefit, who wasted no time in finding a retort.

"Serves her right, the little snitch. To drag me here without my prior consent…." That took Quinn by surprise.

"Oh. I thought, well, first I thought that Santana would come by herself, she did not tell me on the phone that you would come as well. I just thought you had… but apparently…" she drifted off.

"No apparently Miss Berry did not know her destination for the evening. I just dragged her along," Santana explained, watching Quinn interpret her words again into ASL.

"That about sums it up," Rachel stated with a raised eyebrow.

"Well, I.. um … still overwhelmed and happy to see you here. Are you.. are you going to stay?" Quinn almost shyly asked.

Rachel shrugged, not knowing what to say. Now that she was here, she might as well stay for a little while and watch Quinn perform. It did not feel right to leave right away. She would just have to see how it went and how being there would affect her.

Quinn gently placed a kiss on Rachel's lips and gave her an encouraging smile.

_Whatever you choose to do, just know seeing you here in my dressing room is already a great gift._

"Okay." Rachel smiled back.

"Um, ok, find a seat, there is a little fridge if you are thirsty. I have to finish getting dressed," Quinn then told them with a look at the clock on the dressing table. She turned back to Rachel, who let her eyes rake over her half-dressed girlfriend, her eyes stopping at the still partially open blouse.

Blushing, she whispered: "Yeah, you better get dressed; otherwise I cannot guarantee that you'll make it on stage on time."

"Ugh, Rachel, get a grip on yourself." This retort came from Santana who was already kneeling in front of the little fridge, rummaging through its content.

Quinn stole another quick kiss from her girlfriend and turned her attention back to her stage clothes after having filled Rachel in about Santana's comment. Through the mirror, she watched Rachel turn towards the Latina, towering over her kneeling form, admonishing her for her insensitivity.

"And after all, Miss Lopez, you were the one who dragged me here. So stop whining about the consequences of your own doing. " And she plopped down onto the small couch that stood at the left wall from the door, her eyes on her girlfriend. She watched her go through all the motions that were once so familiar to her.

Rachel wondered if she could really hold up. She told herself that this was not about her, that this was for Quinn and that they were here to support her, since she had been ripped away from their nicely planned evening. Focusing on that made it easier and she slowly started to enjoy herself a bit.

Quinn threw her an apologetic smile as she started warming up her voice, running some scales. Santana had plopped down next to Rachel and watched a moment before scribbling something on the paper.

_Feels like being back in Glee Club. I _hated_ singing scales. _

"I know you hated practicing them, 'cause you cheated often enough," Rachel whispered back.

"Did not!" The Latina looked indignant. Rachel read her lips and wanted to disagree again when Quinn jumped in, having guessed what her girlfriend's comment was hinted at.

"Yes, Santana you did. I was sitting and standing next to you often enough to notice that you hardly ever sang the scales. You just moved your mouth."

"Yeah right, sidle up with your girlfriend, traitor!" her friend pouted and Quinn chuckled.

Rachel watched the exchange, thinking that it just did not matter anymore who cheated and who did not, she would not be able to tell the difference now anyway. She looked at the floor, concentrating on taking even breaths. Trying to distract herself, she then looked to the clock, fifteen more minutes to go. That did not leave much time for Quinn to exercise her vocal chords properly. Rachel just hoped that she had already done some warming up exercises before they came.

"Why did they call you so late? Didn't they know the other actress was sick earlier?" She blurted out before she could stop herself. "Sorry, keep on practicing, tell me later."

Quinn just nodded and continued singing. Rachel lifted her eyes and rested them on her beautiful girlfriend's face. Apparently she had switched from scales to little song passages. A singer would not sing full songs in preparation, but after the scales rather run through different passages of the songs he or she was going to perform. That way one would not overexert oneself but still get the voice smooth and flexible. As Rachel knew how it was done, the pattern was easy to recognize just by watching.

Nine months ago, when she had learned about Quinn's role in the musical version of _La Bohème_, originally an opera from Giaccomo Puccini, she had listened to the soundtrack as soon as it was recorded. It was one of the last tracks she had bought. She roughly remembered the overall tonality of the songs, and just like the music of the opera, one of the few she really loved, it was haunting, beautiful, cheerful at parts and plainly captivating, especially the duets. Now she wished she had paid more attention. But listening to Quinn sing and not being able to see her, had been too painful for Rachel. She had stashed the CD away and had not listen to it again. Now she wished she had, she wished she had memorized every single note of the entire show. Just to be able to recall the exact music in her mind while watching the silent pictures that were going to play out in front of her.

She felt a nudge against her arm and Santana mouthed _you ok? _Her turmoil must have shown on her face. She tried to smile, nodded and mouthed _fine _back in order to not disturb Quinn again. The Latina did not seem to buy it, because she kept looking at her. Then she wrote something down, handing the writing to Rachel.

_Rachel, if you want to leave, that is ok with me. I'm sorry if this was being too inconsiderate or bold of me. _

_Why did you do it then, Santana? Cause I don't think you did it out of a spur of the moment. You're not that shallow_, Rachel wrote back as Quinn was still singing.

Santana shrugged. _Thought you needed a little change of scenery. Breathe in some fresh air, ya' know._

_Change of scenery? Fresh air? _With the last comment, she gestured around the small, windowless room.

_Rachel, don't pretend you don't know. You know damn well what I mean. _

"That does not happen to have anything to do with the little talk we had, does it?" Rachel did not really need an answer to that.

Santana was right. She knew damn well why she had brought her here. She just did not know in which direction her heart would tip. Would it help to spark her spirit, like Santana had hoped to push her into the right direction? Or would it just depress her beyond end?

"What little talk? Have you guys been fighting?" Quinn cut in. But before she could get an answer, the lights shortly flickered off and on.

Rachel was amused. "Do they still do that here? Don't they have like loudspeakers where they tell you how much time you have left and when to be on stage?"

Quinn chuckled. "Well, they are very traditional here." She stepped forward and bent down to pull her girlfriend up in an embrace. Then she kissed her softly on the lips, signing: _I'm very happy you came, Rachel. And I'm very proud of you. _Then she explained to Santana, signing in parallel:

"You can come to the side entrance of the stage. But stay close to the wall, as people will be rushing back and forth, as well as the props guys. You don't want to stand in their way." Stealing another kiss from Rachel she smiled, knowing full well that her girlfriend did not need any behavior talk, being familiar with the whole drill by heart herself. Turning one last time to Santana: "And no hitting on any actresses, is that clear?"

The Latina snorted. "As if!"

"Just remember, I know you, Santana!" With that, Quinn plucked the little matching stola from her chair and threw it over her shoulders, moving towards the door. Santana also stood up and followed Quinn out of the room.

Rachel watched them leave, rooted to the spot. Her feet could not move. Try as she might, she could not bring herself to walk over the threshold towards the back of the stage. Chewing on her lower lip, she wondered what had happened that she felt so paralyzed all of a sudden.

Having sent Quinn on her way, assuring her she would check on her girlfriend, Santana poked her head back in. When Rachel did not look at her, she stepped closer and lifted the smaller woman's head so she could see her face and read her lips.

"What's wrong?"

Rachel swallowed several times, before she could make her vocal chords work, at least in a whisper.

"Don't know. Um, I guess a need a moment. Why don't you go, I'll come in a minute." She felt Santana's gaze on her but could not meet her eyes. After a moment, the other woman turned and left the room, leaving the door slightly ajar. Rachel exhaled, wondering if her friend had deliberately left the door open to know what was going on. Well, Rachel would not cry. She forbade herself that.

It was one thing to sit here in Quinn's dressing room. But going out there, actually watching her perform, coming to live as the musical equivalent of Mimi, was waking just a little too much longing in Rachel's chest. She felt bad for not being happy for Quinn, telling herself over and over that this evening was for Quinn and not her own drama.

After several deep breaths and applying a breathing technique she had learned early in her career to calm down, she finally managed to relax a little. She could do this. She could go out there and watch her girlfriend plant the best performance and that at such a short notice. She would cheer and clap for her and be proud. She would not wonder about anything else.

With one final last breath, she went to the door, opened it, turned off the light, and stepped out into the hall. Santana had indeed waited not far from the door, just around another corner, discreetly keeping her distance but still being close enough to offer her support if needed.

Rachel smiled at her, acknowledging the thoughtful gesture. "Thanks. I think I can manage."

The walked up to the back stage entry and stayed close to the side of the final stage coulisse, carefully to not cross the line on the floor that indicated that stepping over it they could be seen by some of the audience.

They still had a good view of most of the stage. Rachel took in the set-up. The curtain had not opened yet and she felt the tension in the air that was so typical of the last seconds before the show began. Quinn had her eyes closed in concentration. She stood at the opposite side of the stage, and as if sensing she was being watched, opened her eyes to unerringly find Rachel's. She threw her a loving smile and quickly flashed her hand at Rachel, with her thumb, index finger and pinky extended.

_I love you_.

One of the actors on stage followed Quinn's gaze and his eyes grew big as he recognized to whom she was sending this signal. Rachel blushed, not sure if he had understood what it meant. She sunk back a bit into the shadows and at that instant, the curtain opened. To her surprise, she felt some very faint vibrations running along the floor.

"Has the orchestra started to play?" she whispered at Santana who nodded with a questioning frown.

"Feel it." Was all Rachel said. Santana placed her hand on the back of the large wooden side panel and her eyes widened just when the music seemed to swell at that moment and with that increased the volume of the sound to run stronger along the wood around them.

Quickly the Latina scribbled something down and handed the paper to Rachel.

_Never paid much attention to that. Cool. _

Rachel just nodded, gazing back at the stage, where two male characters were apparently having a sung conversation. Shifting her eyes towards Quinn, she saw her tense ever so slightly, knowing she would step out within the next seconds. It was hard not to dwell on the things she missed, the songs, the dialogues. But she tried to focus on what she _did_ perceive.

Gracefully Quinn wandered across the stage, with a little basket in her hand, looking at the displayed market stalls, sniffing at the offered flowers and spices, in her character absolutely oblivious to the looks of the two guys. She interacted with one of the woman who "sold" the goods and placed a little pack with spices into her basket, before walking on. One of the guys intercepted her and bowed deeply, pulling his hat off in the process.

Rachel guessed he was introducing himself, as Quinn started to sing her first lines. Just like the other day, it was absolutely fascinating to watch her girlfriend sing. It was also very intriguing that through her slightly different gestures and mimic she already seemed like another person. The transformation was fascinating to watch and captivated Rachel beyond means. Whenever Quinn turned a little her way, she was able to read some words from her lips and roughly remembering the action, she pieced the plot together.

Quinn's character tried to pry herself loose of the charming but a little overbearing bloke and ambled over to the flower stand, plucking one yellow gerbera from a vase, swirling it in front of her mouth, tauntingly wandering away, leaving the guy to pay. Using this distraction, her character then slipped away towards the back exit, leaving the young man to look around a little stunned, apparently wondering where his object of admiration had disappeared to so quickly.

Actually, Quinn was supposed to stay at the far side of the stage, hiding a bit behind the market set-ups. Instead, she used the short instrumental intermission to dash towards Rachel, pressing a hasty kiss on her lips, sticking the flower into her blouse at the front, boldly winking at her with one eye before sneaking out again behind another market stand to quickly steal another flower all the while acting as if nothing had happened.

That was surely not in the script and Rachel gaped at the boldness of her girlfriend. To stifle a surprised gasp, she held her hand in front of her mouth. Then she looked at her flower and back at Quinn who floated across the stage again, playing hide and seek while singing a duet with the actor from before. She gracefully weaved between the stands back and forth, teasingly letting the guy come close before disappearing again, escaping his grasp.

Santana looked at Rachel and lifted her hands in a silent question.

"I can't believe she did that!" Rachel finally managed in a hoarse whisper, looking at the flower still at her chest. "She's crazy!"

_I'd say just crazily in love,_ Santana wrote on the paper she had stashed away in her pocket.

"Yes," was all that the petite woman managed, staring with huge eyes at the stage where her girlfriend still pretend-flirted with the other actor.

Two scenes later, the blonde had a little break, but had to exit on the other side of the stage. A little breathlessly, she came up behind the two women after running around back towards where her friends still stood watching the show.

She was greeted by a smiling Rachel who expected her to make an appearance that way. Stepping towards her taller girlfriend, she hugged her, careful to not crush the token of flowery love that was still in its place.

"You are the craziest person I have ever met in the show biz, Quinn!" She huskily spoke into the actress' ear. Quinn chuckled and pulled back a little and asked with her hands:

_Couldn't resist! How are you? Is everything ok?_ Rachel knew full well that she actually meant if _she_ was ok.

"Yes. But the other actor, my god, he was so off tune!" She joked and pressed the back of her hand against her forehead in mock offense.

This comment earned her a friendly bump in the back from Santana and a smile and a kiss from Quinn. They knew what she was trying to do and it was well appreciated by the two women, understanding full well that this must have been the farthest stretch for Rachel when it came to her handicap so far. Quinn could not begin to count the many barriers her girlfriend had to cross by being here. She was not just in the vicinity of her old working place, but she had actually made her way into a theater. And not just any. It was the very one where her girlfriend was performing. Quinn would have understood fully if she had turned on her heel any second to storm out of the building, escaping all those memories being thrown into her face so plainly just by being here.

The fact that Rachel actually made her way to the back of the stage to watch her perform and not being able to enjoy the full package left Quinn stunned beyond belief. That was what had caused her bold action at the beginning of the show. Even though she had confused her colleagues momentarily by running a bit off course, she had not missed a beat and seeing Rachel's face was just so completely worth it. She would do it again and again, over and over if it helped to show her appreciation, gratefulness, acknowledgement and love to the petite woman with the great spirit. Watching Rachel move forward and face the hardest situation of it all when it came to her disability was just so rewarding for Quinn that she felt like breaking down crying all of a sudden. But hearing the musical cues for her next appearance to come up, she brushed her lips over Rachel's, quickly squeezing her against her own body and dashed back to the other side of the stage.

Santana had watched the whole exchange silently from the back. She had never seen Quinn so happy and so deeply in love before. Their connection was special in any way. Looking at Rachel, she noticed her eyes gleam, expectantly waiting for Quinn to make another appearance on stage. She wondered how Rachel endured this. Knowing full well that she was completely missing out on one dimension – the most important dimension for Santana - and still stand there apparently enjoying herself. Yes. Rachel really seemed to enjoy herself. The Latina knew that this was also due to Quinn's attention she was giving her, showing her how much she appreciated her presence.

Still resting her eyes on the other woman, she saw what had made Quinn fall for her all of a sudden. In school, Santana had always made fun of Rachel, but when it came to her singing, she secretly and later openly admitted that she was one of a kind. In her eyes it put substance to a girl she would otherwise never have given another glance. Now she realized that Rachel's voice had been just an instrument to express her inner strength. There was something in her that went beyond being incredibly capable of singing.

Rachel's eyes flickered from the stage towards Santana and back. Then she turned her head and looked at her again when she registered the expression on the Latina's face. Jutting out her chin towards the stage, she commented with a small smile:

"The interesting stuff is happening out there. The music is beautiful. I remember some of it."

Santana cleared her throat and managed a weak nod accompanied with a "Yeah." She had to shake her head to clear her thoughts. She needed to quickly - _very_ quickly – concentrate on something else. So she conjured up the next best person that came to her mind. Upon realizing whom she was thinking of, made Santana roll her eyes at herself wishing intensely for a distraction.

Apparently, the universe had heard her request as the distraction came in the form of a guy that ambled up to them, leaning against the opposite wall, gazing out onto the stage. He was wearing normal street clothes, so he was definitely not part of the ensemble. He turned his head and quickly scanned the two women. Out of the corner of her eyes, Santana noticed recognition appear on his face for which she knew was not directed at her.

He came over to them and tapped Rachel on the shoulder and she turned around. The guy was tall, in his early thirties and she remembered vaguely having seen him before somewhere. He smiled at her and started talking.

Santana turned her head and glared at him from the side. Rachel's eyes skipped between the man's lips and Santana back and forth, clearly having no idea what he was saying.

Panic rose in her and she felt her breath shorten. All the bravery she had felt before vanished in an instant. Her limitations were thrown right back into her face.

Santana scribbled quickly something on a piece of paper, which she folded and handed to Rachel. Luckily, the guy had not stopped talking and did not focus on the Latina.

Rachel held up a hand to still his string of words and glanced at the paper. In her quick thinking, Santana had jotted down some key words of what the guy was saying.

_Tom, knows u from "A story to tell", happy to c u. Ask if u work here._ To make the rouse perfect, Santana looked sternly at the two of them, placing a finger at her lips to tell them to be quiet. Then she winking quickly at Rachel, unseen by Tom.

Rachel threw her a grateful glance stuffed the paper into her jeans pocket, and turned her attention back to Tom, who stood with a slight confused look on his face. He motioned for Rachel to follow him where they could talk, but she just boldly turned on her megawatt smile, looked him in the eye and watched the insecurity disappear.

Santana observed the transformation of her friend and the reaction of the guy towards it with awe. Damn, she really was a good actress.

"Tom, how are you?" Rachel whispered. "Nice to see you again. I am sorry, but we are here to watch Quinn perform, please excuse us. We'll catch up later, ok?" The latter was a polite but clear dismissal. Rachel smiled and turned back to the stage. Out of the corner of her eyes she saw him mouth something like "oh, ok, sorry," before he turned and left with a look of disappointment on his face.

Rachel threw a quick glance at Santana and noticed her smirking. Then the Latina made a movement with her hand, sliding it forward, through the air. Not a standard ASL sign, but Rachel understood nevertheless, as the gesture was accompanied with voiced "Smoooooth!"

Rachel laughed and bumped her elbow against Santana's side in a friendly way.

"Smooth with your help, thanks! You think he noticed?"

The black haired woman shook her head. "No."

Rachel felt a bit bad of having Tom brushed off a little rudely. Hopefully, he would not hang around and wait for her. Pushing the thoughts out of her head, she tried to concentrate on the play again. Focusing on Quinn she noticed that her girlfriend occasionally sent her some very small, hardly perceptible signs that only she would understand, but that still seemed natural in Quinn's overall acting. Rachel could not stop smiling and enjoying these small tokens of love. They strengthened the secret and precious bond between them that made her eternally grateful for the experience.

* * *

**I do not know if such a musical version of La Bohème exists, I have never seen one. Just love the opera and thought it would offer a nice possibility to describe the musical Quinn starred in.**

**Just so you know, I am already working on chapter 29 now, so there is definitely more to come. Should I take a little longer again now or in the future to update, rest assured: This story will get an official ending and I will not abandon it midway. **

**You will know when it is finished. **


	26. Chapter 26

**You know that I don't own Glee, right? And that I don't own the characters either. At least not the ones that are from the original show. You are already aware of that, I know, because I wrote this disclaimer already 25 times… **

**Anyway, back to business. :-)**

**Thanks Nicole for keeping correcting my mistakes. Honestly, I'm always wondering why I did not see them reading over the chapter for the 100****th**** time. I swear, especially those damn typos are hiding from me!**

**All of you writing reviews and following and 'favoriting' my story … this is so rewarding!**

**ricetxpeaches: Thanks for the info on the musical! Haven't thought about Rent, but you are right, there are some similarities.**

**JPElles: Thanks for the PM explanation regarding Kurt. Haven't seen him from that angle before.**

**Gllover22: Thank you, thank you, thank you!**

**turnaroundchloe: Tank you for the "breath of fresh air" reference :-)**

* * *

**Chapter 26**

Actors, prop guys and technical staff rushed back and forth and each time Rachel and Santana plastered themselves as close to the wall as possible to stay out of the way. Luckily, no one paid them much attention, except one actress who kept her gaze locked on Rachel when her character had a short intermission. Apparently, she recognized her from somewhere, but before she could approach Rachel, she was called by someone and rushed off.

Rachel let out a grateful sigh. She was relieved that she could manage to watch her girlfriend's performance, but was not ready for any interaction just yet with other actors or actresses who were unaware of her condition.

Then Quinn's last scene came up. Just like in the opera, her character also died in the musical, which was a quite a dramatic scene. The brunette quickly glanced at Santana, noticing that the woman with the tough behavior had a tell-tale shimmer in her eyes. Santana had a soft spot, Rachel had always known it, guessing that the music also helped to build up the dramatic setting. Quickly she dropped her own eyes back to her girlfriend standing on the stage, holding on to a lamp postfor support, gasping for air, her body raked by a coughing fit.

This was not an easy scene to play, having to cough, making it sound real and still keep on singing, Rachel could imagine. You just had to find the right balance to make the illness believable, but still not overexert your voice, get out of breath or trigger a real coughing fit.

The young man from the beginning, who had given Quinn's character the flower and had become her lover over the course of the story, came running and just caught her as her legs seemed to give out.

Again, Rachel was mesmerized by the intense mimic on Quinn's face. Not that it was exaggerated, just the way she gestured, grimaced in pain or managed a small smile was so moving and gripping and down to the point. She could feel so much with Antoine, who held her in his arms and gently stroke a strand of hair out of her lovely face. All he could do was hold his sick lover, tell her he loved her over and over – that at least Rachel remembered, though it would not have been hard to guess at that point of the story – and be with her.

She imagined herself in his place, having to see her lover die and it was a thought that was hard to bear. Wondering why this final scene made her react so strongly, she tried to tell herself that it was just a play. But knowing and feeling what it meant to have found the love of your life, a love that filled you completely and made you whole made her connect with the stage character Antoine on an empathic level that almost knocked her off her feet. She looked away and tried to get a grip on herself. Trying to take even breaths, she stepped backwards a bit, slowly bringing more distance between herself and the stage. Focusing on reality, taking in the back-stage surroundings helped a little to calm down and detach a bit from the storyline.

Santana threw her a short glace, making sure she was still there, before concentrating again on the play. Rachel waited until the curtain fell, then stepped closer again, finding Quinn's gaze, smiling, placing a hand on her heart in a silent sign that she absolutely loved her performance.

The blond was slowly placed on her feet by her colleague, getting ready with the rest of the cast to do the obligatory curtain calls. As Santana started clapping, Rachel joined her. Apparently the rest of the audience was cheering outside. Santana touched her own ear, pointed in the direction of the auditorium and then mouthed the words _bravo_ and _cheers_.

"You think it's a standing ovation?" Rachel then asked.

Santana wrote her answer. _Sounds like it._

Rachel smiled proudly. She was happy for Quinn that despite the rush she had managed to plant a great performance, not counting the many little improvisations she had weaved into her acting to make her feel welcome, loved and special. Rachel wondered if any of the other actors and actresses had noticed and if yes, what they thought about it.

Watching one by one of the cast step in front of the curtain to bow to the audience, Rachel decided to go back to the dressing room, before all of them would come rushing by. She informed Santana who nodded and wrote that she would follow in a second.

Rounding the corner, Rachel bumped into someone who was just on the way towards the back stage entrance. Not looking up she quickly mumbled: "Sorry," and slunk past the person. Before rounding the next corner, she snug a glimpse back at whoever she had run into.

That was a mistake, because when she recognized whom she had just crossed paths with, her heart stopped a beat. Rachel saw the woman's mouth move and knew nothing of what she said. She turned and blindly rushed to Quinn's dressing room.

Inside, she leaned against the door and slid down to the floor. Of all people, she had to run into _her_. Rachel berated herself that had not been able to react in a distant and aloof manner, but still being little emotionally distraught by that last scene, this encounter just threw her off balance. And she hated herself for how she let the other person affect her.

Rachel felt a nudge in her back as someone tried to open the door. She moved a little and when she saw Santana step inside she was relieved that it was her. She got up from the floor and hugged her, not caring what the other woman thought at that moment. Santana held her for a moment, understanding fully how Rachel must have felt. As she had followed her closely, Santana knew what made her react like that.

The smaller woman pulled back after a while, looking at the Latina.

"Did you see her? Do you know what she said? I know she said something to me. Did you hear it?" Her gaze skipped between Santana's eyes and her lips, waiting for a reaction.

Santana nodded and after a short moment of hesitation noted down her answer.

She omitted the other comment she had heard Sharon Basont mutter under her breath as she brushed past her in the hall, figuring Rachel had enough to suck on this one. She also thought it best not to mention that she had not held her breath either listening to the crap coming out of the elder woman's mouth. Santana had not met Rachel's former manager personally, but after hearing about Rachel' experience with her, she had googled the woman and knew how she looked. _Know thy enemy_, was her rule. She handed the paper to Rachel.

_She asked "Enjoying the musical, Rachel?" _

Rachel let out a humorless laugh. "Now she is going to think I am a total fraud!"

_Why would you be a 'fraud' by being here? _Santana wanted to know, even though she knew where this was going._  
_

"Well, what do you think? She sees me here enjoying a musical! A _musical_ for crying out loud. After already accusing me of faking my deafness."

_Well, whatever that bitch thinks, you were here for Quinn. _

"Yes, but she doesn't know that. Yet, at least."

Santana thought for a moment. _You think she might use this also against Quinn, if she finds out?_

"If she does, I am never going to forgive myself! I don't know why she would go after Quinn, if she did, it would only be to hurt me further. But maybe we are just interpreting too much into it all." Rachel tried to calm herself. She just could not figure what would be Sharon's gain. She sighed. "Let's forget about her." Rachel smiled shyly. "How was Quinn? I mean her singing?"

Santana smiled back and squeezed Rachel's arm quickly, before writing again.

_She was great. Honestly. Her voice has matured so much, it sounds beautifully. This is the perfect role for her._

She watched Rachel closely as she read her words. When she finished, Santana tapped her arm again to get her attention and held out her hand to get the paper back.

_How was it for you? _She asked with a slightly concerned look as she searched Rachel's eyes.

The petite woman let out a long breath, then shrugged. "It was fascinating to watch her perform and only concentrate on her acting. But I'd be lying if I said I did not miss the singing, the music, hearing the audience react. I only experienced half of it. But at least that half I enjoyed. And the little crazy things that Quinn did made it so much more fun to watch."

_Well, if Sharon bitch had not destroyed the mood, this could have been a nice evening_. Santana remarked, which made Rachel tense and the Latina quickly appologized. _Sorry, just can't get past that woman's attitude. But I am glad that you could enjoy the evening a little bit despite what else happened. Hope our star will come back soon._

"Santana, yes, meeting Sharon rattled me a bit, well, more than it should, but I will not let it diminish everything else, least the performance of my girlfriend!" She smiled, trying to lighten the mood a bit.

Right on mark, Quinn entered the room and looked at that two other women.

"What's going on?" she asked both signing and aloud, her eyes switching between Rachel and Santana, picking up on the slight tension that still lingered in the room.

With a quick glance at Rachel Sanana explained: "Well your girlfriend just had a not so nice encounter with the queen of asshole county."

"With whom?" Quinn's eyes skipped from Santana to Rachel and back. Before Rachel could answer, Santana jumped in.

"That Sharon bitch. She ran into her in the hallway. And this brainless twit had nothing better to do than giving off unqualified remarks about Rachel being here."

"She what!?" Quinn stemmed her hands at her hips. She felt her pulse quicken and her anger rise again at the thought of Rachel being confronted with that horrible woman.

Santana repeated what she had witnessed and then asked: "What is she doing here anyway?"

Quinn shrugged: "I don't know. It is not uncommon for managers to visit shows and seek out actors. Sometimes they try to buy them out of their current contracts if they show promising talent. Even though that's unfair practice, it happens. Maybe she was on a mission. Whatever her reason for being here is, I can't believe she would say something like that to Rachel. I won't let her harass Rachel again. This bitch!"

"Yeah, I'm with you on this one," Santana agreed.

Rachel touched Quinn's arm.

"I lost you after Santana told you about me having met Sharon. What… what are you two talking about?" She then asked looking back and forth between both women, seeing them getting all worked up about their conversation.

Turning to Rachel Quinn noticed the confusion displayed on her face. In all her anger and focus on Sharon Basont, she had completely forgotten to use ASL to accompany their words and thus shut Rachel out of their conversation completely. Quinn felt herself pale at being so inconsiderate towards her girlfriend and quickly signed, shame covering her face.

_I am so sorry, Rachel, I was just so upset that I did not think of interpreting. Please forgive me. _

"What were you two discussing?" Rachel simply repeated her question after nodding at Quinn's apology. The blonde repeated her and Santana's conversation for her.

"Quinn, I already told Santana, being behind the stage at a musical production is not the most logical place for a deaf person to be, you have to admit that."

"Well, maybe it is if that person used to be a singer before. There are many reasons I can think of for you being here, despite being deaf. Maybe you wanted to visit some old friends, maybe you … I don't know, whatever your reason is, you _don't_ have to justify yourself! Not ever and not in front of that bitch!" Quinn was adamant as her hands sliced the air in front of her.

Rachel did not comment on it, another thought struck her mind. Quinn had told her about the conversation she had with Santana about Sharon some weeks ago. So Rachel knew about the Latina's vehement reaction at the description of her former manager's behavior regarding her deafness.

The small burnette had actually been a bit surprised that Santana wanted to _'go and nail that bitch'_ as Quinn had described it so fittingly in Santana-style. It honored her to know that she seemed to have found a friend in the Latina who would stand up and fight for her. Then again, knowing Santana and Quinn, each on her own could make the wallpaper catch fire with the sparks that emitted their anger. With one of them or both together on a path of vengeance, Rachel did not want to think about the consequences for the receiving end of their wrath.

So she felt a bit uneasy knowing that Santana had been alone with Sharon in the hallway, even for just a short moment. If the Latina was so close behind her and if she had heard what Sharon had told her, Rachel was not sure the Latina had held her breath.

"Santana, I hope you haven't said anything to Sharon, have you?"

Santana quickly looked between Quinn and Rachel. Then she shrugged.

"Well. What did you want me to do? Just ignore her?"

Quinn signed along Santana's words.

"Santana," Rachel groaned. "What did you say to her?

"Not much. I asked if she didn't get it and that speaking to you, especially in that tone, was just ignorant and disrespectful."

Quinn clenched her jaw. Before she could say anything, Rachel cut her short after having read the respective signs.

"Why would you even talk to her? She doesn't know you and she is – was - not aware that you have any knowledge about her and me!"

"For god's sake, Rachel, she is a mean and heartless asshole! Even Sue Sylvester had more heart than her! And that means something. Sharon is a bitch and I don't like anyone hurting my friends."

Rachel had already taken a breath to respond when reading the last sentence in ASL took the wind out of her sails. Santana truly saw her as a friend. She was not quite sure why she was surprised by that statement. Well, maybe because she always had seen Santana as Quinn's friend and thought the Latina was just nice to her because she was her best friend's girlfriend.

Some of her doubts and surprise must have shown themselves on her face, because Santana looked at her, narrowing her eyes.

"What, Berry, did it surprise you that I call you a friend?" Santana chuckled.

Quinn struggled for a moment, deciding if to actually sign _'Berry'_ or exchange it for '_Rachel'_. She hated it when Santana called Rachel by her last name. Then she thought that it would not be fair to change anything, neither towards Santana nor Rachel. But she could not suppress rolling her eyes as she finger spelled Rachel's last name with her interpretation.

"Yes, _Lopez_, indeed it does." Rachel quirked an eyebrow pointedly at the Latina with her response.

Santana smirked at hearing Rachel call her by her last name.

"Well, I care about you Rachel. I really do. And not just because you are Quinn's girlfriend."

Rachel held Santana's eyes for a long moment, and then inclined her head in admission.

"Did she say anything to your comment?" Quinn then asked Santana the next obvious question, taking up the thread of their original conversation. In parallel she cherished the small valuable exchange she just had witnessed between the other two women.

Santana stayed quiet for a moment. Then mumbled: "It's not important what she said," without looking at either of her friends.

"Well, what are you not telling, Santana?" Quinn exchanged a quick glance with Rachel.

Hesitating another moment the tall woman then stated unwillingly: "If you must know, she said _'she is as deaf as I am the Queen of England and just took one step too far_."

"Ok, that's it. Rachel, I'm not gonna let that woman ruin you. I've said that before, but now I really mean it!"

Rachel placed a hand on Quinn's arm afraid she would immediately rush out the door there to seek Sharon out.

"Quinn, please. You have agreed to wait until something happens. So far, she hasn't done anything except to give off unjustified comments. And if she does turn her threats into action, however they will look like, you still have to talk to me first before you act on impulse. You hear me, Quinn?"

Seeing her lovers features become hard with anger made Rachel wish that she would never be on the receiving side if Quinn vented it. She had to try to keep the lid on for now. How did the saying go? _Revenge is a dish best served cold._

Nevertheless, knowing Sharon Rachel feared that the manager would win any battle that might be started by either party. And she was still not up to facing such a dispute, neither in private nor public. She just did not want to waste the time and energy. Moreover, she did not want this to have any repercussions on Quinn. This is what worried her most. Even if Sharon wanted to openly disgrace her, Rachel, and call her a liar, being set on destroying her reputation for whatever fucked-up reason, she did not care as long as it kept her attention away from Quinn. But that was only possible if she managed to keep Quinn away from Sharon as well.

Then another thought struck her. Maybe she _was_ here for Quinn. Maybe she wanted to check her out.

Quinn thought about that for a moment when Rachel spoke her concern out loud.

"No, I think she is here for Michael," she then answered and continued with an explanation. "He's the guy who played Antoine. I know that his contract expires in a couple of weeks and he is looking for a new manager, since he isn't happy with his current one. Hope that he also has other options. He is a nice guy."

Rachel hoped that he was the reason for Sharon being here.

"Yeah, maybe that's it," Santana commented. "You and him looked cute together on stage, by the way."

Rachel nodded. There was a good chemistry between them and Quinn seemed to like Michael. That made acting out such an intense storyline much easier, Rachel knew from her own experience. She recalled the tall handsome guy and his interaction with her girlfriend on stage.

"He got to kiss you." She then blurted out, feeling a little like a kid that had to share her most precious gift. That thought made her want to laugh at herself, but she quickly sobered.

Did Quinn detect a little jealousy there? Observing her girlfriend, she noticed Rachel's little pout, looking quite cute the way she pushed her lower lip out, looking at her from under her lashes. Quinn stepped closer and chuckled.

"You know it's just pretend, right?" She smiled softly and leaned her forehead against Rachel's after finishing signing.

"Hmhm. But you've got to kiss me, too! For real!"

Quinn dipped her head and placed a sweet kiss on her girlfriend's lips.

_There, better?_ She then asked with her hands.

Rachel smiled. "Much!"

"Ugh! Listen, you two lovebirds. Before you start making out in front of me - and I can totally see the allure in doing it in a Broadway dressing room with a hot actress - I'm gonna get outta here. Just got a message from a friend asking me to join her for drink." Santana stated, looking up from her phone. "Can I leave you two alone?"

Waiting until Quinn had finished signing, she continued after both women had nodded in answer to her question. "Great show, Q! Gotta admit, you really swept the audience off their seats with your performance."

Rachel could not resist. "Just them or you as well, Santana?" She asked with a meaningful smile playing around her lips.

Knowing that she was busted, the Latina admitted: "Yeah, well. Me, too. You were awesome, Quinn!"

"Thanks, Santana!" The blonde was genuinely pleased by the compliment.

"And I won't tell her that you had a gooey-eyed look on your face during the last scene," Rachel teased, which awarded her with a good-natured:

"Shut up!" from Santana. Then she threw a:"See ya later," at both of them and was out of the door with a little wave.

Quinn looked at the closed door and then commented her friend's exit.

_My, she was in a rush to get out of here. Either she really is eager to meet that '_friend'_ or she is after Sharon._

"Don't say that Quinn. I don't want either of you to do anything yet. Please. And please forget her for now. Ok? Let's get you ready and get home. You didn't take long for your curtain calls, by the way. Any particular reason for that? Did the audience diss you?" she asked teasingly.

Quinn smiled and shook her head. _No, for once I only cared about one person in the audience, and that person was waiting in my dressing room._

Rachel beamed at her and then grabbed Quinn's hand, pulling her to her seat in front of the mirror. She reached for the make-up removal utensils and started to gently wipe off the excess maquillage. She worked in silence, wanting to give her girlfriend some time to digest the evening. Rachel had always liked the solitude of her dressing room after the buzz and activity on and off stage following the performance and curtain calls. It had always given her the possibility to refelect the evening and calm down from the exitement.

Quinn closed her eyes obediently and reveled in the touch of her lover's hands, mixed with little kisses she placed on her lips in between changing the used cotton pads for clean ones. It was nice to just quietly enjoy the tender touches and care after the adrenaline rush that always came with performing.

...…...

After having gotten rid of the excess make-up and costumes, Quinn and Rachel made their way out of the theater through the back entrance. Luckily this was none of the nights where fans lingered outside to ask for autographs. Reaching 45th street, they looked around, but there was no cab in sight, and after a while and tired of waiting Quinn grudgingly conceded to Rachel's suggestion to take the subway.

They stood on the train platform waiting for the train to arrive. When it rushed in, they leisurely strode in and picked a seat, as not too many passengers were waiting with them. The train picked up speed and left the station. Close to the waiting platforms, lights were still fixed to the tunnel walls that rushed by in an eerie blur. Further down the tube, the only light provided came from the subway car itself.

Shortly before their second last stop, the train reduced its speed abruptly and came to a halt in between two stations. Quinn slid into Rachel, as they sat sideways to the direction in which they were going. Rachel had managed to hold on to her seat with a grunt and thus avoided both of them falling off their seats. The lights in the car flickered shortly and then died. The other passengers sharing their car almost gasped in unison at the situation.

Rachel sat motionless for a second, waiting for the lights to go on again. Or at least for some emergency lights to come on. A few moments passed and nothing happened. It was pitch-black and she had no idea what was going on around her. She felt her throat constrict, finding it more and more difficult to force air into her lungs. She let her eyes roam around her in hopes for something she could see.

Rachel felt for Quinn's hand next to her, squeezing it tight, still trying to level out her breathing. It was just so frightening not being able to know what was going on. If she could at least hear the other people, but the only secure knowledge she had was that Quinn was sitting next to her, wrapping her arm around her shoulders, pulling her close.

After the initial moments of shock, some people were turning on their cell phones, the little screens giving off some light, but not enough to ease orientation. As there was no reception anyway, soon they turned them off again to save the battery. Again, Rachel was thrown into a black, soundless world.

She pressed close to Quinn, desperately trying not to become hysterical. Rachel felt Quinn's chest vibrate, apparently trying to sooth her somehow, however much good this did on a verbal level. Still she appreciated the gesture, seeing that her girlfriend understood her fear and panic. After a moment, she felt Quinn trying to pull back her hand which Rachel still held in a deathly grip, but she could not command her fingers to loosen and let go. She was frozen in fear. When Quinn tried to free her other arm, she only managed to shake her head and whisper "no," in a choked voice.

Quinn was at a loss. She had no idea how to communicate with Rachel. Sign language would not work as she would not be able to see her hands. And Rachel would have to let go of her hands first, anyway. Quinn wanted to reach into her purse to pull out her own mobile phone. This way they would be able to at least communicate via text message, because those would be visible in the dark wagon.  
She could absolutely understand Rachel's state of terror. Usually Rachel could at least visually assure herself what was going on around her, but being robbed of two senses was just too much. Quinn needed to communicate with her somehow, raking her brain to find a solution without having to let go of the small body pressed into her.

Finally, she had an idea.

Rachel had no clue what Quinn was doing at first. She only knew that she could not let go of that hand she so fiercely gripped. It was her lifeline; her only connection to sanity; the only connection that kept her from breaking down into hysterical sobs. When she felt her girlfriend wanting to move and berate Rachel of her only hold that kept her safe, she could not allow this. Then she felt Quinn's movements cease for a moment, apparently having noticed the other woman's predicament, for which Rachel was indescribable grateful.

What surprised her then was that Quinn's hand shifted again ever so slightly, but without moving away. She just rearranged her hand in her gripp. It felt strange and she gave Rachel's hand a small shake as if to draw her attention to it. At first she had no idea what Quinn wanted to tell her, but then she felt her do the same motion again.

Slowly Quinn formed a _'c'_ from the finger alphabet with her hand that laid in Rachel's. It took a moment until Rachel realized what she was doing. So Quinn purposefully repeated the gesture until she caught on. Tentatively the brunette then grazed her fingers over her girlfriend's offered hand and understood. She was trying to tell her something concrete through the finger alphabet.

Next Quinn placed three fingers on her thumb for 'e', next the letter 'l' came twice . When she changed the position of her fingers each time, she felt Rachel's trace her own and nod against her shoulder when she got the meaning of the letters. With the next word she only needed to form the first three letters 'p', 'h' and 'o'.

Rachel caught on to the whole message and Quinn did not need to finish. She loosened her grip at least this much that Quinn could get her phone. Rachel felt a bit embarrassed that she had not come up with this idea of just grabbing her own and write a text message. Instead she had shifted right into full panic mode. She was still shaking and found it hard to calm down, even though she knew she was not alone. But her primal instincts would not let themselves be so easily convinced by her rational mind that tried to convince her that everything would be ok, that she was safe. It took all her strength to concentrate on the contact with Quinn, on taking one breath after the other, slowly and deeply to avoid hyperventilating.

When would this damn train finally move on? She wanted to get out of here as fast as possible. She needed light, she needed to be able to assess the situation around her, she needed some control back. That was the most scaring thing about it all. She had no control and no means of gaining it back without being able to at least see.

So when Quinn's mobile entered her vision, she was glad for the distraction and possibility to communicate again.

_Rachel, we are safe, nothing is going to happen, ok? I am here for you. You are not alone. _

When she was sure her girlfriend had read the message, she held the phone up to illuminate her own face and turned a bit so Rachel could see her eyes. She wanted her to be absolutely sure that Quinn would be there for her in this frightening situation and that she could lean on her. Rachel bent forward, touching her forehead with her own, nodding.

"Thank you," she then heard her whisper with a shaky voice. "Do you know what happened?"

Quinn shook her head, just as someone with a flashlight and a signal vest entered the wagon. The guy stood in the middle and shortly announced that there had been a short circuit due to some construction work that unfortunately severed the whole cable beam responsible for the tunnel's electricity. The short circuit had looped back into the train and affected the emergency generators as well. Therefore it was not possible to get any lights on or get the train moving on its own.

They were currently trying to fix the damage. It would probably take another half hour until they should be able to get moving again or at least be towed or pushed out to the next station by an emergency car. So far the transit authorities had decided that it was safest for the passengers to stay in the car and wait, instead of being evacuated through the tunnel, as the repairs or the towing possibility were quite imminent.

Rachel's eyes moved between the official and Quinn, but due to the dim lightning she had no chance of grasping anything that was being said. She tried to be patient and wait until Quinn was able to type the message into her phone.

"Another half hour?" she then asked breathlessly as she read the message. "They could have at least brought some lamps." The prospect of further being trapped in this situation was not very appealing to Rachel, to say the least. She moved closer to Quinn again, who slung her arm around her shoulders protectively, pulling her close. Her mobile phone lay in her lap and she decided she needed to distract Rachel and herself.

Picking up the device, she typed another message:

_Do you know which songs Kurt has chosen for his wedding? I'm sure he has planned this already down to the last minute :-)_

Holding the screen in front of Rachel, the other woman perked up and then took it out of Quinn's hand to type her answer.

_Yes, but I was sworn to secrecy upon death penalty should I spill anything about it._

_Good Lord, is it really that bad? What on earth did he chose? Lemme guess: either Sarah Brightman or … or… haha, Barry White!_

Rachel gulped when she saw the words, for once being glad that it was otherwise dark inside the train car. Because Quinn would have seen the tell-tale signs on her face that she had hit the bulls eye with her remark. She quickly let her thumb fly over the letters in a little lie.

_No. Way off. You'll never guess. _Then she asked herself why she was typing her answers. Probably because she could not see Quinn's reaction to know her words reached her. Nevertheless the next words she spoke out aloud. "Give it up Quinn. You know Kurt, he'll have some extravaganza planned that you can never ever imagine."

Quinn snatched her phone back, throwing her girlfriend a challenging look that she could not see.

_Exactly. I know Kurt. So the game is on, Rachel. Before they get married, I _will_ know which music they will play. _

"Fine, if you want to escort me to the guillotine, then don't hold back. Kurt will think that I spilled the beans. Maybe he will even un-invite me – us - from the wedding. That would do, Quinn."

_C'mon, Rachel, he doesn't have to know! We will tell him after the wedding._

"We? You, Quinn, only you. I'll have nothing to do with this. I gave him my promise. Even you can't make me break that," she said with a smile and leaned into Quinn a little to show that she was not really angry, just mocking offense.

_Fine, just me. Oh I have another song inspiration: Going to the chapel by The Dixie Cups!_

"Good Lord." Rachel sighed; already imagining being woken up in the night only having to "listen" to Quinn's outrageous song suggestions that Kurt might have chosen.

_What's that sigh for?_

"Nothing." She leaned her head against Quinn's shoulder. "I want to get out of here. Now. Can we please get moving again?" She then mumbled under her breath. "This is really unnerving."

Quinn reached around Rachel's shoulder again, holding her close, typing _I know_ with one hand on her mobile phone. She already felt oppressed by the atmosphere in this damn train, with hardly any light, not knowing when they would get out. She was anxiously listening to the conversations and little movements around her and she could only guess how Rachel must feel. Hard as it was, she was glad that she was with her. Quinn had never favored enclosed surroundings, tunnels creeped her out and taking the subway had usually to be avoided at any cost. Of course something like that had to happen once she decided to be on one. Perfect example of Murphy's law.

Then they sat in silence for a while, leaning into each other, neither of them knowing what to say for the moment, silently praying to be relieved of this situation soon.

* * *

**I have to admit, I am absolutely no fan of trains getting stuck. They are great to participate in the ATP (Alternative Travel Project), but I cannot stand it if they break down. No matter if it is shortly before reaching the train station, if it is in a tunnel or elsewhere in the middle of nowhere. **

**I am car-spoiled, I confess. It's either that or my 1 PS :-). Or my bike. Or my feet. **


	27. Chapter 27

**Don't own Glee, don't own its original characters!**

**I am so grateful that you are all taking the time to read this story and also to feedback what you think about it! You make me blush! :-)**

**nightcuddler: *Tiny spoiler alert*: There will be a short visit back to Ohio over x-mas. Other than that everything else will take place in NY again.**

**ellie-dragonveelaprincess: Thank you for writing a review for my story and for letting me know what you think about the friendships portrayed here. **

**summer1234: Thank you for this wonderful review and the insight and explanation you shared!**

* * *

**Chapter 27**

After a while, Quinn pulled her arm back and rubbed her forehead. Rachel placed her hand on Quinn's back, just below her neck. The blonde appreciated the comforting gesture to reestablish their physical connection.

Despite it being November, it felt sticky and hot in the train now that the ventilation was cut off as well. Hopefully they could get out before they all started to suffocate. Goddamn cabs! They always appear all at once when the shows are over to ferry the people to wherever they want to go, so later, when the actors were leaving most of the yellow cars were driving elsewhere around the city. Quinn didn't like taking the subway; no matter how convenient it usually was – IF you did not get stuck in a tunnel in the dark. She preferred wide and open spaces.

Even as a kid, she had never liked going down into the cellar. Well, that probably was a typical kid thing. It was never much the dark that bothered her about it, but just the thought of having such a massive structure of concrete resting above her head when being down below had always been disconcerting for her. This was one of the reasons she preferred her apartment being on one of the upper floors. And it also granted her a nicer view, more light and there was no one making noises above her.

She bent forward and rested her elbows on her thighs. Her movement caused Rachel to slide her right hand along her back, letting it rest lightly between her shoulder blades. Quinn was glad that she was not stuck there alone. Even though she knew it must be so much harder for her girlfriend to endure, she drew comfort from Rachel's presence. Just the little soothing gesture of feeling her hand was already helping.

"You ok?" She then heard Rachel's low voice ask.

Not sure if she would be able to see her in the eerie, hardly any light was cast off from the cell phones around them, where people were still trying to get some connection; she took Rachel's hand and placed it on her own left cheek, nodding shortly. She let her own hand cover Rachel's, holding it in place. Then she felt Rachel tugging her down gently with the hand that still rested on her back and she lowered herself until her head rested in the petite woman's lap. Quinn gave in to the small hands softly caressing her head and shoulders. She just wished they were lying in bed instead of being stranded in a subway.

When one of Rachel's hands came near her lips, she quickly placed a kiss on it, causing one of the caressing fingers to slowly trace her lips. Before it wandered off towards her nose, she gave it another peck and then let it explore further. After the finger had followed the shape of her nose, it trailed off to her right ear and then stopped. She felt Rachel move.

After what felt like an eternity, Rachel noticed some light at the tunnel wall out of the corner of her eye. She nudged Quinn slightly and pointed outside once she sat up. It was very faint, but there seemed to be something coming from behind. God, hopefully it would not crash into them at full speed – whatever it was.

Not having quite finished that thought, they felt something bump into their train as a small jolt ran through the structure of the waggon. Rachel gasped and grabbed Quinn's hand. A short moment later they felt the train moving and with agonizing slowness it crept through the tunnel towards the next station. The former diva could not hold back the sigh of relive when she saw the lights of the next station approach. Even though they were only battery powered emergency lamps the personnel had placed along the platform, it was better than that darkness they had endured during the past hour.

When they were exiting, Rachel noticed another train behind theirs. Apparently it had pushed their subway into the station. Wondering shortly how the engine could work with all the power still gone, she turned around to look for Quinn. She noticed her right behind her and felt her place a hand on her back, applying a soft pressure as if to say _I'm here. _That's all she needed to know and so she focused on getting out of there as quickly as possible.

Assuming Quinn was still behind her; Rachel rushed out with the other people, brushing by other passengers, not caring whom she bumped into. Only when they were outside did Rachel finally slowed her steps. She gulped down some fresh air. Turning around she was momentarily confused when she did not see Quinn right away.

Quinn had a hard time staying behind her girlfriend, but she finally managed to catch up on top of the stairs.

_Rachel, are you ok? I thought you were going to run all the way home, _Quinn asked when she reached her.

The brunette nodded. "Yes, sorry, I… I just had to get out. I needed…. I felt like I was in a cage down there."

Quinn placed an arm around Rachel's shoulders and pulled her against herself in a comforting hug. The she let go again to sign.

_I know. It was claustrophobic even for me. _

That surprised Rachel. "It was? You seemed so calm down there."

Quinn just shrugged. _I was surprised that most people stayed so calm anyway. Besides, just your presence made it easier for me to bear, knowing that I was not alone. _

"My presence? How could my presence have helped? I was a wreck down there most of the time." Rachel did not understand.

Quinn searched for the right words to explain.

_Rachel, you held up pretty well down there, considering the circumstances. And communicating with you helped to keep my mind off the fact that we were stuck in the dark god knows how many feet below the surface of the earth. I am no fan of tunnels or elevators. I endure it if I must, but I try to avoid it whenever I can. Why of all nights all cabs must be occupied or be somewhere else in this city tonight I don't know. Who would have known a subway ride could become a nightmare._

"I didn't know that subways and elevators were on your avoid-list," Rachel remarked as they started walking.

They were not too far from Quinn's home. They just got out one station too early. Despite the late hour and the promise of winter in the air, they agreed to walk the rest of the way home. Rachel needed to walk off her anxiety and she could not fathom being cooped up in close surroundings again, even if it was just the inside of a cab. Quinn was also content in stretching her legs a bit, despite having spent her evening on stage. She commented on Rachel's remark.

_I don't mention it if I don't have to. It seems kind of silly and awkward considering that subways are quite a practical and convenient thing to get around,_ she signed, turning sideways slightly so Rachel could see her hands. _Besides, being afraid of elevators when I'm living in New York City with all the skyscrapers is not helping either. But at least it using the stairs keeps me fitter than other people, _she added with a small grin.

"Well, I now share the sentiment for subways. I know what you meant when you said that subways can be a treacherous thing when you invited me for dinner for the first time." Rachel said in a low voice. Quinn had meant it as a joke at that time, but tonight, it had not felt like one. She could not shake off the feeling of entrapment and absolute loss of control.

Quinn squeezed her girlfriend's shoulders in response as she looped her arm around her again. They walked on in silence because it was a little difficult for Quinn to walk and sign at the same time as she would have to keep twisting sideways.

Rachel pondered over Quinn's words. She felt bad that in all her own panic she had not paid more attention to Quinn's state of mind. Added to the still lingering anxiousness and fear, now also guilt washed through her in waves. Hopefully these feelings would ebb away soon. Her mind kept telling her that everything was ok.

When they finally reached Quinn's apartment, the blonde dashed off to use the bathroom. Santana did not seem to be home yet as the place was dark when they entered and it was not that late for Santana to be in bed already.

Rachel quickly walked around the apartment and turned on every light she could find. It seemed irrational, but she could not stop herself. She needed light. She needed to at least be able to _see_. Then she dropped her bag on the table. The petite woman did not know what to do with the emotions that were raging inside her. When they were walking, she had managed to keep them in check. But now that they were home, she had no grip on them anymore.

One part of Rachel was totally exhausted from that day's experience; one other part was still high strung with tension, not wanting to let her rest. The whole apartment blazed bright with lights, every single lamp was turned on while she started to pace back and forth between the couch and the dining table to walk off some of the anxiety that still lingered in her body and mind.

Even though she was back on safe ground, she could not stop the events of the last few hours to reappear in her mind. First the encounter with Sharon, then the horrible hour trapped in the soundless dark in the subway.

As far as she had come all these weeks, accepting more and more about herself and her condition, meeting friends, facing new situations, even watching a musical _live_, these two happenings seemed to throw her back into the hole she had thought to have escaped. She forced the tears back; she did not want them to blur her vision, and compromise her again, even if it was just such small laps in vision. She pressed her hands to her temples, her eyes on the floor. She needed to stop this.

Now.

It would not help to let herself be dragged into all those negative memories again. Besides, Quinn had to digest these things as well and it would not be fair to her if Rachel did not lend her some more support. Especially knowing the reason behind Quinn's preference for cabs now.

She raised her head and noticed Quinn standing at the edge of the table, one hand resting lightly on the back of a chair, watching her with a concerned look.

Quinn motioned towards the lights flooding her apartment.

_Shall we leave them on for the night?_ She simply asked.

Rachel nodded, swallowing hard. "Yes please. But I can't go to sleep yet," she whispered hoarsely. "I don't want to close my eyes, but I also feel so tired." Quinn was still watching her. Rachel was torn between falling into her arms for comfort and taking up her pacing again. So she stayed where she was.

"I can't imagine what I would have done had I been alone in that subway. I was so scared. I never ever want to feel so trapped and so helpless again," Rachel continued in a small voice, still not having the strength to speak out loud.

Quinn had the feeling that her girlfriend was withdrawing from her into her own world of fear and doubts again. She stepped closer and placed her left hand on Rachel's hip to re-create some physical connection. She saw the smaller woman take a deep breath, before she continued.

"What do I do in case of an emergency? I can't communicate with _anyone_. Or well, no one can communicate with _me_. I did not even think to use my cell phone when I panicked. You had to come up with the idea. And I failed you, Quinn. I hardly thought of asking you how you felt down there! Now that I know about your dislike towards subways and the reason behind it, I feel even more ashamed. I cannot ask you to always be the strong one, to be there for me. You also need someone to lean on." She took another deep breath for moment, then continued with barely a whisper: "And I am not sure that I can be that someone." She pulled back, away from Quinn's touch.

Quinn had never expected that Rachel would come so far, facing so many new situations in such a short time. It just seemed unfair that these two unfortunate events threw her back into a state of self-doubt and insecurity again, but if she put herself in Rachel's shoes, she had to admit that she would probably feel the same.

Quinn let her arms sink and just stood staring at Rachel. Her withdrawal physically hurt her. She felt her stomach clench. She had never expected it to be easy to convince Rachel of her love and acceptance, but it just did not seem fair of Rachel to ignore the fact that she was the most important pillar in Quinn's life, that _she_ was the one that Quinn needed to lean on. Again acknowledging how losing her hearing would have a negative impact on her self-esteem and self-appreciation and seeing how hard Rachel really tried to face each difficulty to move forward, she remembered her vow to help her each step of the way. No matter how often Rachel needed to be reminded of it, Quinn would never tire of telling her how much she meant to her.

_Rachel, you are everything I need, just the way you are. When I see you, I am home, no matter where we are. Yes, currently you need to lean on me a little more in some situations. But believe me, I also draw strength from you too. And I am sure that there will be a time when I will be down and will need more of your strength. _

"As if," Rachel muttered under her breath, not realizing she had echoed the same words used by Santana earlier that evening, though in a different content. She dropped her gaze to the floor. Quinn smacked her hand down on the table in frustration. This movement caught Rachel attention again. Without hesitation, Quinn continued.

_I am already leaning on you now! I would have been a whole lot more scared if it had not been for you. Not because you needed me down there, but because I thought that you face your own fears and obstacles and disappointments bigger than mine and still you keep on going every day. Your strength helped me to stay calmer then I normally would have. I thought if you can somehow manage to live with your loss every single day, I can stay strong in my own fear as well. But I truly wish I had that kind of strength Rachel. You might not be aware of it, but you carry both of us through this. _

Quinn took a small step closer before she continued.

_Through showing me what you are capable of every day, I dare to push myself harder. Through your love and forgiveness and acceptance I allow myself to feel more, to look into myself, to accept myself.  
Don't you dare tell me that you might not be the one I need or that you are not the person I can lean on. Because I need you, Rachel Berry, like the air to breathe. Because you show me who I truly am. I never dared to look before, afraid of what I might find. _

Rachel did not say anything, but at least Quinn still had her attention. She kept her eyes on her girlfriend's face as she continued signing.

_Our musical director told me that tonight was my best performance so far. He joked that he would call me on short notice more often now. But that was not the reason why I seemed to be better than all the other nights. _Quinn did not wait for an answer, afraid that Rachel would find her own counterarguments.  
_Do you want to know why? Because I thought of you. I saw you in front of me the whole time. Not just in my mind, but in real life! You were there and every time I got a glimpse of you at the rim of the stage, my heart beat faster and I sang about our love and felt our connection. Don't you see? Through our love we can grow above ourselves._

Quinn contemplated if it had been too selfish to mention the praise she had received that evening. She had not mentioned it to taunt Rachel, but to make her point of what heights loving her had made her reach.

Rachel bit her lip while contemplating Quinn's words. Why did her heart always have its own opinion when her mind came up with such good arguments of its own to diminish everything? And why was her heart's voice always so much louder, drowning out everything else that her rational mind came up with?

_Come on Rachel, you feel how much you mean to her. Why do you keep feeling so insecure about her and her love for you? _

_Because she is perfect and I am far from it_! Her mind answered back. But her heart did not let itself be deterred by this comment. It came up with its own reasoning when her mind had nothing left to say.

_She is perfect because you see her like that. Maybe you can grant her the same admission towards you?_

Oh god, her heart just repeated the same words Quinn had also told her some weeks ago.

Quinn watched Rachel press the heel of her hand against her heart. Her eyes were unfocused and she wondered where she had drifted off to in her thoughts. Had she understood anything she had tried to tell her? Thinking back on everything that had happened that evening, it was almost understandable that Rachel did not want to discuss things further. But the state she now seemed to be in was a bit worrying. Just when Quinn wanted to step towards her and shake her out of her haze, brown eyes focused back on her for a short moment before looking at her own hand.

Rachel slowly lifted her hand away from her chest and grazed her finger over her palm, as if she could feel the words her heart had tried to tell her. Finally she found the strength to speak up again.

"I don't know how many times I will have these ups and downs. I do wish they would become less over time. I am trying and I hope you won't lose your patience with me. I can only guess how exhausting it must be for you to have me going through all these emotions and doubts over and over." Only then did she let her gaze rest on the green orbs opposite of her.

"I keep wishing that every time I go through this, it is going to be the last time. Only to go through the exact same motion of anxiety and uncertainties in the next difficult situation."

_Rachel, don't you see that even though you feel like taking a step backwards every time something happens that you actually take two steps forward? Look at where you have been tonight, what you have managed! Yes, you met Sharon and it threw you off balance a little. Nevertheless, you told Santana and me to back down, you kept your head on, you stayed cool and rational about it when we wanted to rush after her. Yes, you panicked in the subway, nevertheless you managed to trust me, and you managed to work through your panic to understand my signals. You did not let your fear consume you completely. And you held me down there, comforted me despite your fear. That is what I mean by strength. You cannot always shake off your fear. But you can accept it and work around it. This is what you did today. And doing so needs strength. _

Quinn stepped closer, looking Rachel deep in the eyes, trying to not speak or move her hands. This was beyond mere words. She needed Rachel to know that she was safe; that whatever happened, they would get through it and everything would be ok.

Then she cupped Rachel's face with one hand, never letting her eyes waver. Under her touch, she felt the trembles in her girlfriend's body. She wanted to hug her desperately, but felt that it would probably be too much for Rachel in her current state so she stood where she was, transmitting all her love, calmness and security through her gaze and simple touch.

Rachel did not pull away. She leaned into this touch after a moment, tilting her head sideways slightly to press it harder against Quinn's hand, squeezing her other hand to enforce the connection. She was grateful that Quinn left her some room and still managed to offer her a hold and strength that she could lean on. After a while of just looking at each other and reveling in that touch, Rachel felt some of the anguish ease. She was able to take deeper and even breaths, noticing the tension in her shoulders dissipate, being able to finally relax her taut muscles a bit.

After a moment Quinn bent forward slowly and when she did not feel any resistance, she pulled the petite woman closer and captured the full lips with hers. Rachel's response was hesitant, but when she felt the longing coming from Quinn, she leaned into the kiss, let her tongue meet Quinn's and melt together with her. Both women moaned in synchrony, but only one of them noticed it. And it turned the blond woman on a little to hear Rachel's and her own desire being voiced involuntarily at the same time.

Finally Quinn pulled away, needing to catch her breath. Her eyes rested on Rachel's flushed face, her lips red from kissing. Gently the blonde tucked a loose and unruly strand of chocolate brown hair back behind Rachel's ear. Letting her hand rest there, she slowly followed the delicate lines of her ear-shell with the pad of her thumb.

Without letting go, she managed to sign with one hand: Y_ou are so beautiful! _And she pulled her girlfriend close in a very long embrace, resting her chin slightly on the other woman's head.

Rachel had felt Quinn's finger stroke her ear and noticed the loving look on her face while doing so. The touch had sent tingles down her spine. When the blond pulled her close, she readily gave in and closed her arms around her. Resting her head on Quinn's chest, she felt her heartbeat. It reminded her of their first embrace they had shared in the hallway of the community center. This pulsing sensation was all she needed to feel safe, to feel home. She pressed her head harder against the other woman's body and felt Quinn tighten her embrace.

Quinn's earlier words still swirled around Rachel's mind. She had understood them, but had not been ready to digest their meaning then. As she felt the arms around her now, she also found the courage to think about them. Slowly, she examined what Quinn had told her.

Was what she displayed in the situations that Quinn had described really strength? Or was it just cowardice to face Sharon that she kept reasoning with her friends to let it go? And in the subway, what else could she have done? She appreciated what Quinn tried to do, but in her own eyes, she still felt weak and helpless. Nothing changed the fact that she was dependent on other people and probably would be for the rest of her life. Then again, every human was dependent on someone else in certain situations; this need did not come alone from not being able to hear.

Quinn chose that moment to gently touch her chin and lifted her head. Her hazel eyes searched Rachel's face and having become quite adapt at reading her girlfriend's expressions; she seemed to notice that something was still off. Carefully she stepped back, still holding on to the brown eyes with her own.

_Rachel, I don't want you to dismiss my words. Just accept them as I said them, ok? Maybe you feel differently about tonight, but _I_ see it that way. _

Quinn watched her chew her lip before answering with a sigh.

"Fine." Then she reached for Quinn's hand and rubbed her thumb over the soft skin on the back. Looking up, she then asked:

"Can we go to bed? I think despite the unwillingness in my mind to go to sleep, my body needs some rest. I feel quite exhausted," and she shyly smiled up at her.

_Sure, come on, sweet._

Quinn led her girlfriend to their bedroom where they slowly undressed each other, showering each of their bare skin with tender kisses, though both knew and felt that for tonight this would not lead to anything further. Both women felt too drained by the events of that day.

After having finished their night ablutions, they finally lay in each other's arms. Although feeling that sleep was just around the corner, something else was still working in the back of Rachel's mind. She had to voice those thoughts before they both fell asleep.

"Quinn?" Rachel whispered, looking at her girlfriend.

Quinn placed a hand on the small woman's cheek in an answer. Having her eyes already closed, she needed to adjust her aim a little. Originally her hand had landed on Rachel's nose, half covering her mouth. But the brunette only used this to place a quick kiss on the palm of her girlfriend's hand. Noticing her misplacement, Quinn readjusted her hand without opening her eyes, waiting for Rachel to say what was on her mind.

"We never talked about your show tonight." Rachel admitted, still ashamed to have her own drama pushed to the front. "In the dressing room I wanted to give you some time to calm down after the performance, and in the subway, well…" her voice drifted off.

Quinn opened her eyes and propped herself up on one elbow, facing her girlfriend. Then she sat up to make better use of her hands.

_Rachel, my show is not important. Don't feel bad about it. The only important thing about it was you being there! It meant so much to me and it turned this evening into one of the best I will ever have! S_he smiled gently. _And I can understand that it might not be easy to talk about this experience with everything else that had happened today._

"But I want to talk about it. It was the best thing today," Rachel admitted in a small voice with a shy grin.

_It was?_

"Mhm! It would be a lie to say that it did not cost me some effort to face it, but once getting past the lack of music and dialogues, I was so captivated by your performance! I … I bought the CD once it came out, shortly before my accident. So I roughly knew the musical score and what it was about. That helped. I just wish I could have heard your voice tonight."

Quinn placed a kiss on her forehead before she let her continue.

"But just judging from your acting, leaving the singing aside, you have a unique talent, Quinn Fabray. I was completely caught up in your character and your story; I never thought it would be possible to enjoy a musical without the music. But you managed to draw me in, to transmit so much just through looks, gestures and mimic, it was absolutely fascinating. So I bow to you, Miss Fabray." Rachel inclined her head slightly at her last words.

That left Quinn speechless for a moment. It was the highest praise she could ever receive. No one else and nothing else could top this. These words coming from Rachel certainly beat a Tony or any other award. She felt a little lump in her throat.

_Rachel, I will never be as good as you were, we both know that_, she then said with an honest smile.

Rachel shook her head. "No, Quinn. When it comes to acting, you _are_ better, much better. You have already reached a level that I could only dream of. I was able to level it out with my voice, but getting down to the absolute subtleties, you mastered a great achievement. And you know what, I am glad that you are the better actress, because this way even I can still enjoy some of your talent. Watching you bring another character to live on stage was really fascinating and believe me, without the music and the singing, I am a good judge when it comes to facial expressions and body language," she teased with a smile. "So let it be said that you were incredible and I am very grateful to have had the chance to watch you perform tonight." She sealed her last words with a kiss on her girlfriend's lips.

_You want an autograph?_ Quinn teased back, laughing a bit, feeling a joy inside her, caused by Rachel's words that could not be described by words.

"Yes, please sign my breasts with kisses later," Rachel smirked.

Quinn had worried about what being in a theater did to the former diva, watching her do what Rachel had always wanted in life but was now cheated from by a sick twist of fate. And she knew that the compliment about her acting was meant in earnest. Rachel was right. If without any acoustic distraction, someone could be drawn into the story, and that someone having been a professional musical performer herself, that praise meant a lot.

"But Quinn, running off stage to toss your girlfriend a flower was absolutely crazy! I would have died had you done this to me while being your counterpart on stage!" Then she added with a sheepish grin: "I loved it nevertheless, and I loved the other little signs you weaved into your performance. Thank you. That made me very welcome."

Quinn laughed. _You _were_ very welcome Rachel. As I said before, it was the most precious gift for me._

They both shared a passionate kiss, while their hands tenderly crept along each other's body, raveling in the softness of the skin, the tingles their touches sent up their hands and the love that filled their hearts. Rachel finally felt a little like herself again after this arduous evening. Having talked about the positive aspect of the day, made it easier for her to fall asleep with a positive feeling rather than the dread and anxiety she had felt earlier on.

It was amazing how Quinn always managed to bring her home to sanity, security and love. They snuggled close to each other, face to face, with Rachel placing a hand on her girlfriend's chest.

Quinn had her eyes closed again, Rachel noticed in the soft light the little crystal salt lamp on the night stand gave off. They left the light on for the night for Rachel's benefit.

"Quinn?"

Through her hand, Rachel felt her answer coming off in a short vibration, guessing it was a "Hm?" as she did not move her lips with the sound.

"Um," looking for the right words to ask this, Rachel hesitated for an instant.

Quinn opened her eyes again, raising both eyebrows in question, waiting for Rachel to continue. When she finally did voice her question, it took Quinn completely by surprise.

"Can you sing for me?" With the final word, Rachel lifted her eyes and looked at Quinn. It seemed to be a genuine and earnest question. Noticing Quinn's astonishment, Rachel added as an explanation: "I just remembered one of the songs from the show from when I listened to the CD. You know the one where your character becomes aware of the truthfulness of Antoine's love. I really like it."

Quinn opened her mouth, then closed it again, and simply nodded with a smile. With a slight jerk of her head and a simple "Come here," she told Rachel to move closer, knowing full well what she desired.

Rachel gave her quick, grateful smile. At that moment, it did not matter so much that she could not actually hear Quinn. What mattered was that Quinn did not even ask her why she wanted her to sing or told her how absurd this was. Just knowing that this wonderful person, the Broadway star, the most beautiful woman, her lover was doing this for her unquestioningly, was reward enough. She snuggled closer to Quinn, resting her head on her chest, a hand slightly on the side of the taller woman's neck. Rachel let herself be soothed by the vibrations she felt in the other body, slowly drifting to sleep.


	28. Chapter 28

**Usual Glee disclaimer...**

**Catrick: Yeah, I admit, a lot is lost (with the old cast gone especially). Sigh...**

**nightcuddler: Heard you squealing :-)**

**summer1234: Thanks again so much for the interesting exchanges!**

**Thank you again to all of you leaving reviews and following my story! **

**28 chapters, can you believe it?**

* * *

**Chapter 28**

The following week, the beginning of December, hosted one of the rare days in which Quinn and Santana were actually both home at the same time. On Monday they stood in the kitchen early in the afternoon, sharing some coffee. The personal trainer had her day off and Quinn had already been at a rehearsal in the morning. No show was scheduled for this evening for Quinn. She had the rest of the day off, happy to catch up with her friend and waiting for Rachel to come over.

Looking at the clock on the oven, she wondered where her girlfriend was. She had promised to come by after lunch. It was already past two. She had not sent a message, neither did she respond to Quinn's texts. It was unlike Rachel and Quinn started to worry a bit. Then again, they should have agreed on an exact time. _'After lunch'_ could mean anything between twelve pm and twelve am. She would patiently wait another couple of minutes before snatching up her phone again. To distract herself, she focused back on her friend.

Santana had a date - "It's not a date!" was the Latina's repeated statement whenever Quinn mentioned it – later in the evening. That would leave her and Rachel the apartment to themselves and Quinn already had a nice plan on how to make the best use of it.

Shifting her weight onto the other foot, leaning against the counter with her hip, the blonde sighed.

"God, it feels so nice not having to rush off again within the next minutes. I am not sure how I am going to survive until my Christmas break," Quinn groaned. "I should start buying shares from the cab companies, as often as I drive back and forth across town currently. I would become rich just by being their best customer."

"Gee Q, get a grip on yourself. You are on your way up the career ladder, so stop whining. I know you like what you are doing," Santana offered no compassion.

Quinn chuckled at the rebuke. "Yeah you are right. Still, my schedule is crazy most days. Days like this are a rare gift, especially with Christmas so close." She took another sip of the dark brew. "Listen, I need your help. I am planning something and I could use some extra hands and an honest opinion on my ideas." Over the rim of her cup, she looked at the Latina to gauge her reaction.

"Sure, what are you planning? Something nasty and dirty?" Santana wiggled her eyebrows. "Anyway, I'm game!"

Quinn rolled her eyes. "God, Santana, get laid! It's been how long? Every time, our conversations end up with you throwing the words _nasty_ and _dirty_ through the room. You that desperate?"

"What makes you think I only have sex on my mind?" Santana played the offended. "I can very well contain myself. I pledged a vow of celibacy until New Year."

Quinn snorted. "Yeah, right. Like – _not_! Glad you got that date tonight. Play it right and you might get a nice treat. And then we can finally have a normal conversation without ever landing on the same old topic."

"Ugh, yeah, right. If that's the only thing you have to endure, go pity yourself. I heard you and Rachel snogging more than once and I am not just talking about all the kissing and stuff." She rolled her eyes. "Besides, it's not…"

"… a date," Quinn finished. "I got it. Who are you meeting with, anyway? You are making such a big secret out of it."

Santana placed the cup on the counter top and ran her index finger along the rim.

Quinn narrowed her eyes and studied her friend.

Curious.

She had never been shy to boast about her relationships or dates. What made her act like that now?

"Are you meeting Brittany?" She then asked.

Santana's head lifted abruptly. "No!" Then she let out a breath. "No. I don't think it would be good to see her at the moment. I am tired of this game of yoyo we have been playing. Being together, breaking up, being together again only to break up once more. I lost count after the third time." Santana fiddled at a non-existent stain on the wooden surface of the worktop. Then she continued.

"As much as I still like Brittany, I don't see a future for us. Not if we both don't change or look at things differently. Otherwise we will only end up in the exact same spot. I don't want that anymore. I want to move on." The Latin raised her dark eyes and looked at Quinn. "I want to experience some happiness again, without the heavy burden that all the history brings along. You know what I mean?"

Quinn nodded.

"I want something like what you and Rachel have. Something deep and true. Something that makes you want to fight for the other person with your life. I want someone who helps me grow, who understands me and accepts me. And I want to offer the same to my partner. I like how you two complement each other and how each of you accepts the unique facets of the other person. And I really do hope I can also bring to my other half – should I ever encounter her - the same fulfillment as you do for each other."

Quinn had to admit that she had underestimated a bit on how lonely Santana must feel. This was one of the rare moments where her friend actually shared some of her thoughts, without the tough pretense she built around it. Quinn felt a bit guilty for not having been a better friend over the past year. And she was immensely happy that Rachel had suggested for the Latina to move in. She was also a bit surprised that Santana had this particular view on her and Rachel's relationship.

In a quick impulse, she hugged her friend. Quinn actually enjoyed having her as a roommate and was in no rush for her to find an apartment.

"Santana, I am sure you will find someone who will be your soul mate." She stated with emphasis. Tilting her head to the side, she then asked: "Care to tell me who you are meeting with?"

Santana hesitated for a moment, before deciding to tell Quinn.

"I am meeting with Jenna."

Carefully, she watched Quinn's reaction. She was not doing anything forbidden, so Santana wondered why she felt a bit guilty. But since Jenna was one of Quinn's close friends, she did not know how she would react, knowing that they had been meeting without telling her.

"With Jenna?" Quinn repeated. "Why is this such a secret? It's not like we are exclusive friends or anything," she then laughed. "Though I wonder why she has not told me anything about it either," she then mused.

They had talked shortly on the phone the evening before. Jenna had wanted some professional guidance from Quinn regarding the characterization of her role. In the end, it had taken a little longer for the theater to decide on whom to cast, calling four of the applicants back for a third audition. In the end, she was actually cast for the role she had auditioned for.

Rachel, Santana and Quinn had invited Jenna for a nice dinner at their apartment to celebrate her success. It had been quite an enjoyable evening again and Jenna had been pleased to receive such a nice celebration.

Thinking back to the evening and then to the first dinner party they had held, something clicked in Quinn's brain.

"Oh. My. God. Wait a second." Then she had to laugh, which irritated the hell out of Santana.

"What's so fuckin' funny?"

"I just remembered the conversation we had when you asked _me_ about my date just when I got together with Rachel. Remember that phone call?" She watched Santana nod.

"Yeah. So?"

"Well, I think – correct me if I'm wrong – there was something going on between the two of you the first time you two met here. There were some vibes shooting back and forth. And regarding this conversation we had, you had been so surprised, because neither me nor Rachel had been interested in women before, leaving all the history between us aside. Now this seems to be a similar situation between you and Jenna, since she has not been with a woman before and you two kept it so secretive. Seems to me like a little history repeating." Quinn smiled broadly at her friend.

"Well, nothing has happened so far. We have had some really intense and interesting talks. I like her. Though I am not sure she likes me in the same way."

"Oh, from how I see it – and Rachel is with me on that page – Jenna seems to be attracted to you as well."

"Ya think?" Santana asked doubtfully.

"God, for someone who can usually read people like an open book, you are pretty blind when it comes to Jenna."

"Maybe I just don't want to get my hopes up. And I don't want to scare her away. Even if she is interested in me, she has never been in a relationship with a woman. This is all new to her."

"Santana, just take it as it is, slowly and one step at a time. That, in my experience, works best. And don't shut yourself off. Let her get to know you. The real you." With the last sentence, she pointed at Santana's heart. "Don't hide behind your outer veneer."

Sensing that her friend was reluctant to go further, she changed the topic slightly. "Anyway. What are you two doing tonight? Movies, dinner or both?"

"No movie. We are going to dinner and then maybe out for a drink later. We found this nice little bar with some cool music and just the right size. Not too big to be swamped with people but enough to give it a nice atmosphere, you know what I mean?"

Quinn nodded. "Sounds nice. Say hello to Jenna from me, ok? And tell her that she does not have to keep it a secret anymore next time we talk," Quinn smiled.

Then she took up the initial topic she wanted to discuss. "So, regarding the thing I need your help with, I have been thinking…" and she filled Santana in on a little event she was planning shortly before Christmas. The Latina took up her idea enthusiastically. She helped shaping it by throwing her own thoughts in and soon they had come up with a nice plan.

"I am sure Kurt is also game, as well as Jenna," and Quinn batted her eyelashes at Santana when she pronounced her friend's name. The Latina rolled her eyes.

"What about Blaine? What's it with him and Rachel anyway? He seems so different from the Blaine I knew from school."

Quinn shrugged. "Don't know. Maybe he is insecure about how to approach her. Though I agree, he seems so different. Wonder what his problem is. Hopefully Kurt can talk some sense into him."

"Yeah, otherwise I will do it." Santana simply stated which earned her a stern look from Quinn.

"Give Kurt a chance first." Then after a moment Quinn added: "Oh, I really hope my plan is working out," and she grinned at the thought of the many nice things she had planned for one particular day soon to come up.

... ... ...

Rachel and Quinn had decided it was easier to each have a key of the other woman's apartment, not needing to ring the bell all the time. Very unceremoniously they had exchanged them some days ago. However Rachel had asked Quinn to still announce her presence by turning the lights on and off should she not immediately notice her enter her apartment. She did not want to be scared by suddenly seeing someone in front of her without having been able to hear her come in.

Rachel entered Quinn's apartment and found Santana and her girlfriend standing in the kitchen, chatting animatedly. They did not notice her come in until she closed the door. Both heads swirled around to look at her.

"Sorry, did I interrupt you two in something? I hope you weren't making out," Rachel remarked with a slight smile when she saw the guilty looks on both their faces.

"Nope, tried that at Mr. Shue's wedding, I'm not Quinn's type," Santana answered wryly while Quinn quickly raised her hands to interpret.

"Right. My type is slender, has long brown hair, brown eyes with lashes like little centipede feet and lips to die for." Quinn answered signing in parallel now that Rachel had joined them. Then she threw a look over her shoulder towards her friend: "Sorry Santana, you might answer to some of those attributes, too, but naaaah," she shook her head, "not my type." She admitted, laughing.

Rachel rolled her eyes. "So glad!"

Rachel studied the green eyes that looked at her with a slightly guilty air around them, but the Cheshire cat grin did not waver. What was going on? She felt like she had intruded. It was not like she could have overheard the conversation. So there was not really a reason for Quinn and Santana to be so secretive about it.

She debated whether to ask Quinn what they were talking about, but then decided to let the other woman take up the topic if she wanted to comment on it.

The blonde observed Rachel slowly walking towards the kitchen, rounding the counter and making her way towards her. Something seemed to trouble her. There was sadness and disappointment in her eyes that Rachel did not manage to hide from her. Quinn kept her eyes trained on her girlfriend.

"Hi," Rachel smiled as she reached by her and placed a small kiss on Quinn's lips. Looking round her girlfriend's shoulder, she also greeted the other woman with a "Hello Santana," who nodded in response.

_Hello, darling,_ Quinn signed when she had Rachel's attention again.

Rachel could not stand it anymore. Curiosity pushed the question out. "Ok, what's up? What did I interrupt? What are you hiding?"

Quinn raised her right eyebrow then moved her hands through the air.

"Curiosity killed the cat," she teased, then her gaze softened. "You'll know. But not now. Be a little patient." And she bent forward, placing another kiss on her partner's soft lips to reconcile.

It did not completely erase the doubtful look from Rachel's face. She looked up from under her lashes. "Oh, I want to know now, please!"

"Whatever, we are not saying anything", Quinn answered signing and talking and threw a knowing look at the Latina who just smirked.

Rachel narrowed her eyes, staring at the two women. Seeing the determination in their eyes, she knew they would not spill anything. If there was something that Rachel absolutely hated, it was knowing that someone had a secret they kept from her. She had needled her dads as a small girl weeks before Hanukkah and her birthday to tell her what she would get. In the end, they had always bought one additional small present to give to her before the festivities so she would just stop torturing them. Considering the same tactic, she instinctively knew that she would hit granite with the two other women. As hard as it was, she probably had no other choice than to wait.

Then again, it might be worth a try and she was just so curious.

Before she could open her mouth, Quinn jumped in. "Oh, Santana has something to say."

Santana threw her a confused look. "I…what? No, I…"

Quinn cleared her throat, widening her eyes slightly while staring at the Latina, unnoticed by Rachel whose eyes still rested on her girlfriend's hands.

Santana understood that it was probably better to spill her news than have Rachel needle them about their other conversation. Grumpily, she tore her gaze away from her old high school friend and focused on the smaller woman who had stepped up a little closer. She even turned a little so that Rachel had her in full view.

"I'm meeting Jenna tonight." She explained, watching Rachel's eyes dart between her lips quickly to Quinn's hands and back.

"Jenna." Rachel simply repeated, nodding. "Is that what you are being so mysterious about? Why?"

Santana was astonished. "Is that all you have to say?"

Rachel shrugged after having read most of the sentence from Santana's lips. "Yes, I mean, I watched you during the first dinner we had here. And I had a little conversation with Jenna about you while we were preparing the dessert. That also told me a lot." Rachel smiled. "So is this a date or just a meeting between friends?"

The Latina shrugged. "Well, so far just friends…" and she let her voice trail off.

Quinn noticed the petite woman's questioning look, not having quite understood and quickly repeated the sentence in ASL. Rachel had gotten better at reading lips, but she had to have a full view of the person who was talking and he or she would have to articulate him or herself clearly and not talk too quickly. The shorter the sentences the easier it was for her to understand. However, Santana had unconsciously turned her head slightly to hide her disappointment at her own statement and thus it became impossible for the other woman to grasp what she was saying.

After having received the relay from Quinn, Rachel squeezed Santana's upper arm in an encouraging gesture. "Give her some time."

After a short moment, she then turned and got herself a glass of water.

"You want some coffee?" Quinn asked her then.

Rachel shook her head. "No. Thanks. I… um. Not now." She leaned with her back against the sink and took some small sips, lost in thoughts.

Quinn wondered again what was going on in her girlfriend's head.

_You ok?_ She signed after tapping Rachel slightly on the arm.

"Huh? Yeah. Just a little tired."

_Where have you been? I thought you'd come by a little earlier. _

"Sorry about that, it just took a little longer than I thought."

_What did?_ Quinn looked confused.

Santana moved around the counter and walked to her room. She wanted to give both women some privacy as something was clearly up. It seemed that everyone was carrying a little secret around today.

Rachel let out a long breath and placed the glass on the counter before turning back to Quinn.

"I had an appointment today. I didn't tell anyone, I … somehow felt I had to do this on my own."

_An appointment? Where? _Now with Santana gone, Quinn only mouthed the words without sound while she signed them.

Finally, Rachel raised her eyes and found Quinn intently gazing at her with a worried look.

"I went to see Dr. Brenneman. My specialist. I did not want to get anybody's hope up, so I haven't told you before, nor my dads."

Santana had heard the word _specialist_ and stepped a bit closer again. Rachel saw her approaching out of the corner of her eye and threw her a short look.

She knew Santana was genuinely interested in her condition, so she was ok with her joining them again.

"What did he say?" Quinn asked her voice and hands shaking a bit with nervousness. Besides desperately wanting to know what the outcome was, she also felt a bit left out that Rachel had gone to such an important visit without filling her in first or asking her to come along. Had she not trusted her that whatever the results, she would stand by her? No. That could not be it.

Rachel shrugged her right shoulder. When she continued, she looked at Santana first to include her in the conversation, then back at Quinn. With a voice strangely devoid of emotions she explained:

"To make a long story short; just as I had expected, there is no improvement. Some tests have confirmed that. I could have another operation, but the success rate could not be determined. And if it succeeded, no one could say how much and in which quality my hearing would come back. They could run more tests, but …" She fell silent.

Rachel pressed her lips together and her brown eyes searched Quinn's for any reaction. She was not interested in words and was relieved that her girlfriend's hands and lips did not move. Keeping her eyes on Quinn, she read her every thought.

There was hurt, which was understandable. Rachel had debated whether to tell Quinn or not. But this was something she felt she had to face alone. This was nothing anyone could take off her shoulders. This burden was hers to carry.

Her friends - at least most of them - made it a lot easier with their understanding and acceptance. Nevertheless, it was her and her alone who would have to live without being able to hear. Even if it also influenced how others would have to communicate with her, it still had the greatest impact on her.

She had needed some time alone to come to terms with what she had secretly feared. This is why she had not wanted anyone with her.

The hardest part was letting the little quench of hope she had harbored in a small corner in her heart go. Letting go of it meant knowing it was more or less a final goodbye. It left a hole in Rachel's heart that would not be filled for a long time and would take an even longer time to heal, if ever. Letting go of it also meant letting go of the last thin line that had connected her to the world of "normalcy" and whatever it entailed, starting with music and ending with hearing her girlfriend breathe deeply in her sleep. All these things seemed definitely lost now.

She rubbed the heel of her palm over her breast bone as if to rub the hollowness that had settled in her chest away. She didn't even feel like crying. She was just tired and felt empty inside. At least, she could get some closure now. However that might look like.

Focusing back on the hazel eyes in front of her, she also noticed concern, hope and love in them. Those feelings chased across the green surface of Quinn's eyes in rapid succession. She wondered what Quinn saw while looking into her own eyes. She reached out and took Quinn's hand, lacing her fingers through hers. This seemed to break the tension a bit.

Quinn furrowed her eyebrows and Rachel noticed her trying to fight back some tears. She lifted her other hand and placed it on the other woman's cheek, gently stroking her thumb across the blonde's cheekbone.

"Shhh, it's ok." Rachel heard her own words in her mind, wondering how this could ever be ok. How she could ever be ok, knowing that there was no going back to her old life and her dreams.

Maybe knowing that she was not alone; that she had friends and a partner that loved her despite everything that had happened, made it somehow easier to face. Looking at the beautiful face in front of her, she finally felt a stirring in her own body. But it was not as strong as she had expected. Maybe she had mourned her loss enough already all these past months, maybe she had known all along, maybe she had learned that there was still a life ahead of her despite being deaf. Maybe she had learned that there were still people around her that loved her, wanted her friendship and cared about her.

Or maybe she just tried to hide all emotions again in order to not feel anything. She had done this a lot in the beginning. But she also remembered that whatever she had stuffed down always had found its way back up in the most inappropriate moments.

She looked to her left and found Santana still standing at the same spot, a traitorous shimmer in her eyes. Santana was definitely becoming a softie at her old age, Rachel decided. With an honest smile, she let go of Quinn's hand and streched her arm in the Latina's direction.

Santana did hesitate shortly then followed the silent request. While she walked over, Rachel quickly kissed Quinn and then all three of them hugged and held each other for a moment, standing in a small circle. Rachel finally felt some tears falling down her cheeks, but instead of starting to cry, she let out a small laugh.

"I keep wondering how I ended up in the arms of the two biggest HBICs from school."

This also drew a laugh from the other two women and slowly they loosened their arms. Quinn though held onto her petite lover with one arm looped around her shoulder and Rachel leaned her head against Quinn.

Santana scribbled something on a paper and held it in front of Rachel.

_I'm really sorry that there is no better news. Is there anything I can do?_

"Thanks Santana, but no. I guess I just need time to digest it and then at some point start making plans about my future." Rachel stated very rationally and let out a deep breath. For now, she refused to focus on that.

She tried to push the news she had received somewhere inside where they would not hurt so much. Rachel did not want to feel the devastation and desperation again. She did not think she had the strength to go through the whole process again.

But she also knew that denying it would not make it better. She had to face this sooner rather than later. Santana seemed to have read her thoughts as she pushed the paper into her hands again.

_Talk about it, ok? Don't try to be brave and pretend this is somehow ok or that you expected it. You don't have to swallow everything. We are here for you. This is nothing that can be processed overnight. Give yourself the time and the right to come to terms with it again. _

Rachel closed her eyes after reading that. "I know. But right now I can't."

Quinn felt a little lost. She would have liked to know the real reason why Rachel did not want to be accompanied to her appointment. She also sensed that Rachel tried to bottle up her feelings in regards to the test results.

Something else came to her mind, and she wondered if this changed something for them. It did not from Quinn's point of view, but maybe it did for Rachel. For now, she decided to hold her questions and let Rachel take the pace.

... ... ...

Later in the evening, after Rachel and Quinn had finished a self-made dinner with salad, grilled basil tofu and some fresh bread, Quinn had to ask. They had skirted around the topic for the rest of the afternoon and right now the blonde's nerves were tingling. She felt the untouched issue was building up between them like thick smoke.

_Please don't close yourself off. Don't shut me out, Rachel. How do you feel now? Is there anything I can do?_

Rachel shook her head. She still owed her girlfriend an explanation as to why she had excluded her in her afternoon appointment.

"Quinn, the reason I did not tell you anything about this has nothing to do with you. It does not mean that I did not see you as a support or that I did not trust you to be there for me. I suppose I had expected the results for quite some time. And I needed to do this alone, for me. On one hand I did not want to get your hopes up, on the other I needed to know for myself that I could manage. Knowing I would have to learn to live with this condition probably for the rest of my life, not always having someone around me who could help, I had to start doing this on my own. I don't know if you can understand that. And it does not mean that I want to pull away or that I don't appreciate all your help and support. This has nothing to do with it."

_You needed to see if you could stand on your own two legs,_ Quinn summarized.

Rachel nodded. "Yes."

_How do you feel? _Quinn repeated her earlier question.

The brunette pondered over the question for a while. "Honestly, I can't say. I keep shifting between realization, grief, numbness and hope. It would be a lie to say I have processed the news or the whole situation completely. It will still take me a while longer to digest this." She ran her index finger over the tiny tips of her fork, then took it and tapped it against her plate.

Realizing what she was doing, when Quinn flinched at the sharp sound, she stopped. "Sorry."

_Won't an implant be a possibility for you? _Quinn asked hopefully.

Rachel shook her head and sighed. "No. Even though my inner ear had not been damaged, somehow the part of my brain that registers sound doesn't really recognize it. Maybe that has something to do with the fractures I suffered from. I don't know. I just … want to get over all this. "

Quinn reached over and placed a hand over Rachel's and held it for a moment. Then she pulled back.

_No one expects you to come to terms with these news overnight, Rachel. I have heard that it takes between two and four years until you get used to living with such a loss. For you, it has not even been a year. It will still need some time and grant yourself this time. I will still be here. Same as your friends. _

"Well, I guess I actually have nothing more to lose, do I? I'm not better, but not worse than before my appointment."

_What do you mean?_

"I mean that even though I have to deal with accepting what I had feared all along as a fact, I can still rely on the means of communication and relationship we have built. I don't have to start from scratch. Do you know what I mean?"

Quinn nodded. _Yes. To say it bluntly, nothing has changed._

Rachel nodded slightly. "Yes. Nothing has changed." She sighed. Then she looked up and caught Quinn's eyes with her own, studying her girlfriend for a moment. "_Will_ it change something for you?" She then asked quietly.

The blond woman stood up and walked around the table, and took a seat next to Rachel. She took one of her hands into her own and gently kissed it.

_It would be a lie to say that these news don't make me sad, _she signed.

_It makes me sad because I would have wished for you to get your hearing back or at least get it back to some degree. I would have wished that you had at least a remote possibility to enjoy all the things you missed. That you were able to hear me tell you that I love you and that for me nothing changes in regards to what I feel for you, Rachel. I mean, I have known you from before your accident; I have heard you sing and seen you perform. But when it comes to our relationship as lovers, I do not know anything else. For the two of us, it has been like that from the beginning. We finally became a couple after you had already lost your hearing. So for me, it does not change anything in this regard._

Rachel had not really doubted Quinn. Still, it felt good to know and feel that for sure that she loved her and would stay at her side.

Quinn bent forward and captured the other woman's lips with her own, a tantalizing promise for more to come. It seemed her girlfriend wanted to cash in this promise earlier than anticipated, because she eagerly leaned into the kiss, searching for the blonde's tongue with her own.

Quinn cupped Rachel's face and their kiss became more intense, the desire growing between them. Touching and kissing each other somehow seemed to fuel both women again.

She bent lower and playfully nipped at the soft earlobe, causing her girlfriend to moan softly again. Quinn pressed her body closer to the smaller frame, her right thigh applying a slight pressure against Rachel's legs. Eagerly, the small woman widened her stance and half straddled the thigh that now pressed harder against her core.

Rachel felt the pulse throbbing at her most sensitive spot and it became more and more unbearable that there were so many clothes between her and Quinn. Slowly, she started to push Quinn backwards to their bedroom, finding her mouth again with her own lips. Lost in their passion, they bumped into the wall next to the bedroom door. Rachel used this to her advantage and imprisoned her lover between herself and the wall. She placed her arms next to Quinn's shoulders and looked her deeply in the eyes. Then she ordered in a husky voice: "Unbutton your blouse. Slowly."

Quinn only raised an eyebrow and followed her command. She still felt a little ill at ease about Rachel's behavior, about her reacting so rationally about the results of the examination and doing everything to distract herself from dealing with it. But if that was what she currently needed and wanted, Quinn would go along with it.

Starting from the top, she revealed more and more of her cleavage with every button that came undone. The brunette did not wait until she reached the last button before claiming the soft skin between her lover's breasts with her lips. While Quinn struggled to unfasten the last clasps, Rachel snaked her arms around Quinn's body under her blouse and unhooked the strapless bra that fell to the blonde's waist and then to the floor. She could hardly contain herself, seeing the two beautiful breasts eagerly arching towards her and she cupped them with both hands. Her tongue swirled around the hardened nipple and she felt Quinn moan. Quickly, Rachel's eyes flicked up to check if Quinn's lips were moving, but her girlfriend just bit her lip, trying to keep her composure under Rachel's touch.

Again, Rachel reached around Quinn with her right hand to open the bedroom door and both women repositioned themselves on the bed. Quinn had not expected the evening to end like this. She wondered if this was for both of them a release of the tension that had built up inside of them. Whatever the reason, she had no time to dwell on it further as she felt the brunette's hand slip inside her jeans. As she brushed against her clit, Quinn involuntarily jerked and held on to the hand that snaked beneath her underwear.

"Wait." She breathed and Rachel stopped her movements with a concerned look. Quickly, the blonde shimmied out of her pants and the rest of her garments. Rachel understood what she was doing and she wasted no time to follow suit. Their clothes landed in a tangled heap on the floor. Rachel's full lips covered Quinn's breasts again with kisses and teasing little bites that drove the blonde nuts. She arched her back and thrust her body against her girlfriend's mouth and hands, offering herself completely. The petite woman accepted the offered body and eagerly continued her exploration and caress with her tongue. She cupped Quinn's buttocks with her hands and massaged them while her lips were occupied with trailing down the blonde's flat stomach down to the juncture of her legs. There, she shortly stopped after flicking her tongue over Quinn's most sensual spot.

"Oh god, Rachel, I want to feel you inside me, please," she moaned, unable to use her hands to sign anything coherently. Rachel, sensing that her lover had requested something, but being unaware of the words, frowned slightly as she looked up.

"Do you want me to stop?" She cautiously asked and ceased her movements.

Quinn shook her head. Then quickly cupped her girlfriends face with her right hand, using the other to gently guide Rachel's hand from under her to the wet fold between her legs. There she gently pressed the smaller woman's fingers against her soft flesh.

"Mmmm, I see. No more teasing," Rachel then smiled relieved, eager to take their lovemaking further.

Slowly she dipped her index finger inside the folds, causing Quinn to ball her hands into fists to control the waves of pleasure that crashed through her. The brunette slowly took up a rhythm of moving her digit in and out, until she had her lover writhing under her touch, squirming and begging. She observed Quinn's lips move, forming her name over and over again, her chest heaving in rapid succession, fueled by the ecstasy that robbed her of air to breathe. Rachel thrust another finger inside and watched Quinn being driven nuts. Not ceasing the movements with her fingers, she bent her head and sucked a little at the throbbing little nub above her hand and when she felt the flesh around her fingers pulsing, contracting and relaxing in a very rapid succession, she knew Quinn was not far from climaxing.

With one last movement, she thrust her fingers deeper into the wet and warm grotto and bent her head to let her tongue swirl around the sensitive clit. With that, she felt the flesh around her fingers contract, Quinn arching her back against her and sensed the tremors and spasms racing through the other body. Rachel held her position for a short while longer before she slowly extracted her fingers, smugly smiling up at a completely wasted Quinn. She lay panting on her back, her hands still clenching and unclenching the rumpled sheets beneath her.

The petite woman crept up next to her still panting girlfriend and nuzzled her cheeks with her nose, softly breathing into her ear: "You are the most beautiful woman. There is nothing better on God's earth than to make love to you, darling."

Then she kissed her softly on the lips. Satisfying her lover always aroused Rachel immensely as well. She was sure that if Quinn only came near her legs, she would go off like a rocket. Just thinking about Quinn's touch sent her senses reeling. She moaned softly and inadvertently caught Quinn's attention, bringing her back to the present from her ecstatic place of bliss.

Quinn looked into the deep brown eyes and her breath caught in her throat. There was so much desire in them that it was hard to keep her own breath steady. But there was something else as well. Quinn frowned and then carefully raised herself, turning her girlfriend on to her back in the process. Gently, she started stroking the soft swells of her breasts with her right forefinger, swirling it around the nipples, keeping her eyes on Rachel's.

"Quinn, I want to feel you. Please. Now." She heard her lover breathe.

Slowly, she let her fingers wander further down Rachel's tanned skin. When she touched the sensitive center, it made the small woman whimper again. Playing a short moment with her thumb and forefinger with it, she felt Rachel tense and then an orgasm rippled through her, being surprised as to how quickly this little touch had sent her off. Quinn watched the muscles in her girlfriend's body contract and Rachel let out a sound that was half gasp, half sob. With every spasm that raced through the small body, the sobs became stronger until finally Rachel rolled onto her side, pulled her legs up to her stomach and hid her face behind her hands. She was not able to stop the sobs finding their way out from deep within her soul.

Apparently, the intense sensation of the orgasm had unlocked whatever had been held back ever since Rachel had come back from her appointment.

Quinn slid down behind her, pressing her own body against her lover's, pulling the blanket over them. Laying behind Rachel on her right side, she slowly angled her left arm so her hand rested on Rachel's chest for comfort, while her other arm slid under her head and gently wrapped around her.

She held Rachel while she cried, mourning the final loss of her hope, of her dreams, of her old life. Her own cheeks were wet with tears, as she saw her lover in so much pain, not being able to control the tears, crying so hard, her whole body curled into a tight ball.

At one point Rachel grabbed one of Quinn's hands, pressing it against her chest even harder, as if its mere touch could still the pain that was raging inside her. She felt herself give off sounds that she could not control. It seemed her body had been taken over by emotions that did not let her stop crying. Again and again the waves of desperation, longing and realization crashed into her, like a thunderstorm unleashing all its fierce power. All she could do was let it all out, helplessly lying in Quinn's arms, drawing only a small comfort through the arms that surrounded her.

After the endless thrashing when her emotions finally seemed to ebb away, Rachel was completely wasted. She was not able to move or speak. All she could do was keep her hold on Quinn's hand, hoping it was not too uncomfortable for her girlfriend.

Quinn felt a heavy tiredness come over her once she had sensed Rachel calm down. She felt so helpless, again wishing there was something she could do to ease the burden on her. Quinn hoped that Rachel would not forget that slowly but surely she had already started building a new life, however tiny the foundation was at that moment. But it was there and it would grow, slowly, but surely.

Rachel felt her girlfriend tighten the embrace, placing a kiss on her shoulder, wordlessly letting her know that she would not let go. It had been a long time since she had sought solace in sleep to forget. Tonight though, she was glad to slip into the blissful ignorance that awaited her. A small part of her hoped that she would not have to wake up to reality.

However, a much bigger part wished exactly that. It was the part that recognized and felt the other warm body behind her, the comfort it gave her and the love it transmitted.

That was a prospect that was very much worthy to wake up to again.


	29. Chapter 29

**Usual Glee disclaimer...**

**Your reviews were great!  
I really appreciated you telling me that even though Rachel had received bad news, some of you still liked the chapter.**

* * *

**Chapter 29**

When Rachel woke up the next morning, she felt drained and still very tired. Her eyes burned a little from all the crying the night before. She felt as if she was thrown back some months when waking up like that seemed like a sad normality, wondering every single morning _why_ she had to drift back into the land of consciousness.

But something was different this time.

She did not wake up alone.

She became even more conscious of the warm body behind her with that realization. She closed her eyes again and snuggled a little closer. As there came no reaction, Rachel turned around and found her girlfriend still sleeping. Carefully she lifted Quinn's arm she had used as a pillow the whole night. Hopefully it was not completely numb by now, Rachel thought a bit ruefully. She had needed the touch and the feeling of Quinn near her during the night to get through her emotional turmoil.

Slowly she moved her arm into a little more comfortable position for her girlfriend without waking her up.

Pulling a real pillow under her head she slowly lay down again, this time facing Quinn who slept on her right side. Rachel watched her breath evenly, marveling at how someone in his sleep, with tousled hair could still look to beautiful that Rachel almost through it to be unreal.

She loved tracing Quinn's even features with her finger, as if it helped to memorize that face even better for times they were apart. Then it was easier to evoke the image of her girlfriend in front of her inner eye, remembering the feeling of her fingers wandering over the radiant skin. Touching her had become more than just a gesture of love and desire. It gave Rachel another dimension to compensate for not being able to hear her voice.

Try as she might, she could not keep her fingers from touching Quinn. She would memorize the details she saw and everything she felt while letting her fingers explore. Carefully, she stroke some of the unruly blond locks out of her face and let her fingers dance lightly over her cheeks. Just watching and touching this wonderful woman in front of her helped to pull her out of the dark mood that had gripped her before. The view in front of her and the knowledge that this was a very important part of her life now, a part that made her absolutely happy, that made her feel so alive again helped her manifest herself in the present even more.

There was a narrow sunbeam sneaking through the curtains and Rachel watched it slowly and lazily make its way across the blanket. Placing her hand into the light she felt the warmth it radiated. It crawled further across the fabric, making the little dust particles visible as they danced through the air. When the light reached Quinn's peaceful face, it illuminated her skin.

Rachel felt warmth spread through every part of her body. In moments like this, sometimes she could not thank fate or cupid or whatever it was that had brought them together enough. And while she lay there next to her sleeping beauty, lovingly gazing at her, exploring her face with her still dancing fingers, she felt the certainty that everything would be ok. Just like the way she had said it to Quinn the day before. She had not felt it then, but now she did. S_he_ would be ok.

Rachel pondered over this recognition. She wondered where it came from all of a sudden. Then she realized that it was _not_ something that came _all of a sudden_. It was something that had slowly been growing in her. With the help of her friends Kurt and Santana, her lover and to a certain extent her teacher Carmen, this conviction that had started as a small seed now seemed to unfolded itself inside her. Even though she had no concrete idea of what to do with her life, she was convinced she would find _something_ that would make her happy again. With the right people and faith she would manage. Just as Santana had told her. As long as she herself was convinced that she could do something, as long as she would never give up – and yes, she could be very determined if she chose to be – she would reach her goal.

Quinn's eyelids fluttered and then she slowly snuck a hand up to her face to catch the small caressing digits that wandered lightly over her skin. Placing them in front of her lips, she kissed every one of Rachel's fingertips. This caused a small chuckle to bubble up in the petite woman's throat. It danced over her lips and caused Quinn to smile when it reached her ears. Slowly she opened her eyes to find Rachel laying very close, her brown eyes gazing intently at her.

"Good morning," Quinn whispered, not wanting to let go of the other hand.

Rachel could not withstand the alluring full lips so close to hers as she read the words being formed by them. "Good morning," she whispered back. Just slightly adjusting the position of her head, she naturally touched Quinn's mouth with hers and both women shared a tender morning kiss.

When they broke off, Rachel moved even closer and wrapped herself around Quinn, hugging her in a very tight and very long embrace.

"God, I love you so much Quinn, I can't find the words to describe it," she half whispered into Quinn's ear. She hoped she had adjusted the volume of her voice correctly, not wanting to make Quinn jump by speaking so close to her ear. "Thank you for holding me through the night, for not letting go." Rachel felt like she could not get near enough, could not touch enough of the other woman's body with her own. She tried to get as much physical contact as possible.

The blonde tightened her embrace. She understood Rachel's need for nearness very well and responded with her own arms tightening around the petit body in front of her. It relieved her immensely that Rachel had managed to pull herself out of that dark place, that she did not turn away from her after all that had happened the day before, but that she smiled and sought her nearness.

After a long moment of holding each other, Quinn slowly untangled her hands and moved back a little.

Rachel hated losing the close contact at that moment just so Quinn could sign. She held her close and shook her head, pointedly looking at her lips.

Quinn understood, laced her arms around the smaller body again and spoke the words she had wanted to sign.

"I love you, too, Rachel." She made a little pause so the sentences would not run into each other and become difficult to read. "With all my heart and soul," she then added. When she saw Rachel smile to show her comprehension, she captured the full lips between hers and shared another passionate kiss with her girlfriend.

For a long while they just lay in each other's arms, kissing, exchanging small, tender caresses, losing themselves in the moment without any further thoughts about the upcoming day.

A small rumble in Rachel's stomach caused Quinn to laugh.

"Why does my stomach always have to spoil the moment?" Rachel sighed. This time, she let Quinn pull back to sign.

_Besides being obviously hungry, which I see as a good sign, how do you feel? _Quinn asked and carefully watched Rachel's features.

Rachel thought for a moment how to express her experience of this morning in words.

"When I woke up, it felt just like in the beginning, you know, like after the accident. I thought I had fallen right back into that emotional hole. At that time it felt like a million waves were crashing over me, pushing me under water into a black abyss, fully emerging into a depression. Then I realized that this time I was able to stand, to feel the ground under my feet and that I was able to walk away. I managed to fight against the current that wanted to pull me under. I was really _strong_ enough to fight it. And I felt you behind me and I let this sensation pull me back into reality, away from the past."

Quinn smiled with a mix of relief, pride and love and gently stroked Rachel's cheek before the brunette continued with her explanation.

Rachel licked her lips and brushed a strand of dark brown hair behind her ear. "You know, you and Santana and Kurt have really helped me a lot to find my way back into this world, to find myself in all this mess. Your support has helped most of all."

She collected her thoughts again before continuing.

"I somehow feel that I really have a chance at being happy again, at finding a purpose in my life, besides loving you crazily and dearly," she added with a smile.

Quinn reached out again and raked her fingers slowly through Rachel's mane, mussing the strands her girlfriend had carefully tamed just a minute ago by placing them behind her ear.

Quinn felt the truth behind Rachel's words reverberate in her own heart. She was not just saying them, she truy seemed to feel them as well. There was so much conviction behind her words, and her eyes had the little glint that she had missed so much the other day back in them.

Rachel truly seemed to process all that was happening to her, and this brought her forward a step each day. Sometimes it was just a very small step, but she was moving forward nevertheless.

It was a huge task to actively face her loss and to learn to live with it, and it had taken Rachel quite a long time to actually allow herself to start that process. After such a life changing event it was only natural that a certain phase of denial, self-pity and self-doubts existed. And it took great strength to overcome them, but it was important in order to start healing – on an emotional level. This did not happen overnight. There would always be set-backs, but they would become less over time. The important thing was to move on, to learn and to gain experience.

And Rachel still had one great advantage that many others did not necessarily have. Carefully Quinn searched for the right words to bring her thoughts across with her hands.

_You know Rachel, for what it's worth; you have already fulfilled your greatest dream. You have followed in your biggest idol's footsteps by playing Fanny Brice on stage in _Funny Girl_. And the reception of the musical and your performance was incredibly positive. That was the role of your life, Rachel, and you actually got to play it! _

Quinn paused for a moment to let those words sink in, before she continued.

_Maybe life decided that after having given you this incredible possibility and gift, it was now time for something new. _

Her gaze softened as she continued.

_I can only partly grasp what this might mean for you, but at least you can look back and know you have done everything right, you did not miss out on anything. How many people can say that for themselves? How many are struggling in the wrong directions, doing jobs that are unfulfilling, that make them unhappy and sick in their souls? How many harbor so many dreams and never live them? Either it's because they don't have the courage or they don't have the means, whatever the reason might be.  
One thing you can be proud of for the rest of your life, something that even deafness cannot take away from you anymore is the knowledge that you have done everything to make your dream come true. _

Quinn paused for a moment, before she offered the most important point.

_Your dream is not lost. It can never be lost. Because you have already turned it into reality, Rachel! You have already lived your dream!_

The truth of Quinn's last statement swept through the petite woman's body and slowly settled in her heart. She felt its meaning spread through her chest. As some tears spilled over her cheeks, she whispered:

"I have never seen it like that."

Quinn was right. She had reached everything she had dreamed of. Well, almost everything. She definitely would not win a Tony award now.

But her biggest wish had always been to play Fanny Brice and this she had fulfilled at a very young age. Sometimes she had asked herself how she could ever have been so lucky to land that role at the first try. Now she seemed to understand the reason why life had given her that chance so early in her career.

This realization somehow helped her to ease the anxiety of never being able to fulfill her dream that had existed all these past months inside her. Seeing what she actually already had accomplished dissolved a little of the tension in her soul. Yes, she would still miss performing, but she had already reached a high rung on her career ladder.

And Quinn had another point. It would not do for her to find an occupation that would just be seen as fitting for her by others, thus only fulfilling a job that did not fuel her; that did not make her feel alive. She would figure out what she wanted to do and felt comfortable doing. Singing would still stay as her greatest longing which she could not answer anymore, but she would be damned if there was not something else. Santana's words came back to her just as Quinn lifted her hands to sign again.

_You know, I am sure we will find out what you would like to do. And then we will set everything to make it happen. Don't hold back. Go crazy with your ideas. Don't censor them; don't let them be judged by anything else but your gut feeling and your heart._

Quinn looked intently at Rachel.

_If something feels right, if something makes you tingle all over, makes your heart beat faster, makes you cry, then you know that's the one! And don't let anyone, _Quinn finger spelled the next word for emphasis_ a-n-y-o-n-e, deter you from it. Maybe you can take up acting. Maybe you can coach people on how to stand up for themselves and fulfill their life dreams. Whatever it is, you have to convince yourself first. Then everything else will come along. _

She smiled as an example of a very stubborn and very convinced Rachel came to her mind.

_Remember how you thought everything was over when you choked at your audition for NYADA? At first you wanted to give up on your dream, but then you started fighting. You kept going after Carmen Tibideaux until she followed your invitation to watch you perform at nationals. And that had been your ticket to the academy. Dig out that stubborn will again, once you know where you want to go. And never ever let anyone discourage you from reaching your goal. Even if they tell you ten times no. The eleventh time it might be a yes!_

Rachel swallowed and the smiled a little. She was absolutely grateful to have such wonderful people in her life now. They truly cared about her and her happiness. They wanted her to find her new calling again and did not want to push her onto a pre-defined path. This was what true love and friendship meant.

People accepted her and did not try to shape her according to their wishes and what they thought would be best for her. To accept the dreams and wishes of another person, trying to support this person without trying to dissuade her showed true greatness. Sometimes it was just so much more logical to try to control everything and everyone around oneself, even though it might be wrong. But people were often afraid of letting loose, they were afraid of what might happen. They were afraid that they might realize what they were doing was wrong, but doing what was right meant they had to change. And change was almost never easy for many people. So they would rather stay in their well-known "comfort" zone feeling miserable instead of getting up and fight for their true happiness.

Being told twice now by Santana and Quinn to try to stay true to herself and find out what fueled her, paired with the offered support was a very generous and rare gesture.

"When did you and Santana learnt to be so smart?" Rachel asked sheepishly after having worked though all these thoughts and emotions.

Quinn chuckled. _Oh, did you have a heart to heart with Santana?_

Rachel nodded.

Quinn cocked her head. _Want to tell me about it?_

Rachel let out a long breath, before she remembered the evening in question.

"When you left for you performance the other night, Santana took the chance for a little girl talk, before she dragged me across town to your show," Rachel recounted and then chuckled. "You know how she is. She comes right down to the grain, lays it all out there and then has you deal with it. Whether you like it or not."

_Oh yeah, I know. Believe me, I know!_ Quinn smiled knowingly. _So, what did she say?_

Rachel bit her lip, remembering what Quinn had just told her about the feeling of the truth behind an idea. Before she voiced what Santana had suggested, the showers started racing up and down her spine. Some part of her already knew what she wanted. Her mind just had not been quite as ready to accept it.

Quinn watched her girlfriend closely as an inner discussion apparently took place. But even though Rachel seemed to be struggling to find the right words, there was something in her eyes, a shimmer, a depth, something that made Quinn lose herself in the brown gaze, because it showed her a part of her lover's soul. Whatever was going on in Rachel's head at that moment, it was something that touched her core. It was hard for Quinn to patiently wait for her to come up with the words, so she could understand what it was that made Rachel connect so deeply again with her own inner self.

Then Rachel focused back on the blonde woman in front of her. With one deep breath she let it out.

"Santana asked me why I did not take up acting. Not just acting as a deaf character in some of the rare movies that dealt with the topic, but she suggested to either act as a "normal" person, not dwelling on my disability or to challenge directors to write a character into a movie who can't hear or see or walk. Just take it as a fact and move on with the original story. She made the point that there were quite many being physically or mentally challenged who live their lives as normally as possible, adapting their lives, but not trying to make it their everyday focus point."

She let out a long breath now that this was out. It had seemed like an absurd idea at first when Santana had laid it out on the table, but it had been working inside Rachel these past days.

"At first, I thought Santana was crazy for various reasons, but I have been throwing these thoughts back and forth in my head and I really feel…I…" Rachel tapped her chest with her hand over her heart, "…I feel like I still don't want to give up acting completely."

There, she said out loud what she had felt all along, but had never dared to let consciously drift into her mind. She had pushed it away, tried to extinguish these thoughts all this time, until Santana had unlocked something in her that let that knowledge float to the surface. And then seeing Quinn on stage, being at the theater, breathing the whole atmosphere again, just did the rest. Santana really could be a devil if it came to shoving people into a certain direction, even though she had done it for Rachel's own good, she had to admit.

"But even though I feel like I'm a little closer to figuring out what to do with my life, I'm still not sure that I will be given the chance."

Quinn bent over and gently placed a kiss on Rachel's forehead, then looked her deeply in the eyes.

_Rachel, I am not saying it will be easy. There might be a lot of stumbling stones waiting ahead. But we are all here to support you, if that is what you choose to do. We all have connections and know the business to a certain degree. You just need to be convinced and show the same confidence you have always had about your ability. The rest will come! And we will all help you along the way!_

"Thank you, darling, for accepting my ideas without questioning them, without telling me that I am crazy and that I am chasing a dream that never might come true. This…," she shyly looked at her own hands for a moment, then back up into Quinn's eyes, "… means a lot to me and I am a very, very lucky woman to have you in my life," she repeated aloud what she had thought earlier just to herself and sealed this statement with a passionate kiss.

Then her stomach grumbled again and both women laughed.

_Breakfast!_ Quinn decided and Rachel nodded.

"Yes, definitely! Though it's not fair that I never get to know if _your_ stomach makes the same impolite noises at the most inopportune moments," Rachel pouted a bit.

_Believe me, it does,_ Quinn admitted.

"What? And you never tell me? You just let me believe that it's only me who disturbs these holy moments? You sneak!" And Rachel slapped her girlfriend playfully on the arm.

"Ouch!" Quinn whined and rubbed the spot gingerly.

"Serves you right for shamelessly taking advantage of your girlfriend's deafness."

_Alright, alright, I swear, from now on I will never conceal my stomach's rumbling from you again. Ever. Ok?_

"Fine."

_Kiss the pain away?_ Quinn then innocently asked with a bat of her long lashes and Rachel could not resist.

Tenderly she placed a kiss on the sore spot, muttering under her breath to herself:

"I hardly touched her, it could never have hurt that much."

_I heard that. I am still sitting in front of you. _Quinn signed, playfully indignant.

"Oh, really. Not anymore!" Rachel jumped up, slapped Quinn lightly on her upper arm again and jumped off the bed. She turned and saw Quinn disentangle herself from the bedcover to come after her. Quickly she thrust the door open, let out a squeal as she felt Quinn's hand pull at her t-shirt – sent out a prayer that Santana was already out of the house, otherwise she would kill her because of the noise – and raced down the hall towards the kitchen.

Quinn tackled her in front of the counter and they landed in a heap of giggles and entangled limbs on the floor, soon giving in to a laughing fit, letting go all the tension that had built up inside over the past days. When they were able to breathe again, they both laid next to each other, panting, wiping their eyes dry.

Finally Quinn sat up and offered a hand to her girlfriend. Rachel grabbed it and let herself be pulled into a sitting position.

_Sorry I came at you from behind,_ Quinn apologized when her hands were free again.

"It's ok, this time I knew you were right behind me." Rachel smiled and placed a kiss on the beautifully shaped lips in front of her. Then she felt Quinn grab her hand and place it on her flat stomach. She felt something rumble inside and laughed.

"Breakfast?"

"Breakfast!" Quinn answered, still holding Rachel's hand to pull her up on her feet.

* * *

**I'll be on two business trips next week and the week after, so not sure how quickly I can update, just to let you know. But chapter 30 and 31 are already coming to life...**


	30. Chapter 30

**Glee belongs to Fox Networks and has been created by some great people other than me... **

**Thanks for all your reviews! They helped me to get through a bit of a crisis I was having with this story. **

**Anyway, here is next chapter. **

* * *

**Chapter 30**

After Quinn and Rachel had finished their breakfast, they stayed seated at the table. Their plates still stood on the table and they had lazily agreed to clean up later. Santana had indeed already left very early again for work, so Rachel was glad her squealing from earlier had not woken her up. She knew Santana could become very grumpy if disturbed in her sleep, _especially_ if she did not have to get up early for work.

Quinn had gotten her laptop to check her e-mails and Rachel decided she would plan on what they would be cooking for dinner on the upcoming weekend. Another list she decided to start was one on Christmas presents. Even though she was Jewish, she respected the Christmas custom and celebration of her friends and now that her social net had broadened again over the past weeks, she would like to get each of them a personal gift.

While jotting down some basic ideas onto her list, Rachel thought that she would like to spend some time with Kurt again and that it would be nice to have some dinner just the two of them, without anyone else around. It was always fun being with Kurt. Besides, she had something else that hovered at the rim of her brain and she was thinking of asking him his opinion on that. So it would be great to have some quality time with her friend.

Last time they had talked or rather chatted via Skype, she had told him about what had happened with Sharon. He had been shocked, to say the least. On one hand he understood Quinn's and Santana's anger and their desire to go after Sharon, however he agreed with Rachel that it would make sense to wait and see if she _really_ made true on her threats. And of course he had offered her all the support and help he could give her in that situation. It was so good to have friends that stood by her unconditionally, Rachel thought before she focused back on her list.

After having checked her e-mails and taken care of some online bank transfers Quinn browsed through a couple of Broadway and celebrity pages to stay on track what happened on the rumor side of the business. Though she generally tried to avoid any articles about herself. Except this morning there was one certain headline that caught her attention and her eyes were then glued to a particular article on the screen. She felt the color rise to her cheeks and it did not take three seconds for her blood pressure to reach a critical level as she digested the news.

"Oh fuck! I can't believe it. This bitch! This sneaking, lying, fucking bitch!" She shouted and smacked her hand down on the table which made Rachel jump as she felt the sudden force run through the wood up her arm. She had not paid any attention to Quinn while she was lost in her own thoughts. Looking up, Rachel instantly noticed the furious look on her face.

Cautiously she asked: "Care to tell me what's upsetting you so much?"

Quinn wordlessly turned her laptop around and showed Rachel the source of her anger. There was a little article displayed on the screen which apparently seemed to be the cause of Quinn's rage. Quickly Rachel scanned the lines.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

_Back from the dead?  
Quinn Fabray spotted with long lost Rachel Berry_

"_Ever wonder what happened to the rising star and exceptional talent Rachel Berry?  
She had disappeared from the surface of the earth for a while acouple of months ago.  
Now it seems that she is ready to come back! She was seen in public for the first time  
since March with _Bohemians'_ star Quinn Fabray after the show Saturday evening.  
_

_Rumors have it Ms. Berry had been convalescing from the consequences  
of a car accident, which could explain her absence from the Broadway stages.  
Injuries were supposed to have affected her hearing, but judging from  
the pictures below, this does not seem to be the case. However, according to  
our source, an official 'public appearance' is to be expected soon. _

_This leaving much room for interpretation, we hope it means we can see Ms. Berry  
life on stage again soon._

_Well Ms. Berry, we are very much looking forward to seeing – and hearing you!"_

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Aditionally there were two pictures of Quinn and Rachel leaving the theater after the show. Rachel was obviously talking to Quinn in one picture and the next showed them holding hands as they walked towards the subway station.

"Oh no," Rachel whispered. "Now they connected you with me. I am sorry Quinn; I never wanted that to happen! Not until the whole situation with Sharon was resolved. I did not want to drag you into it."

_What? _Quinn was confused. _That is all you care about? Whatever the tabloids will make of it, I am proud to be your girlfriend. I worry about what is written below the first picture more. Have you read that at all?_

Rachel shook her head and dropped her eyes to the text.

Under the first picture stood:

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

_Rachel Berry and Quinn Fabray seem to be animatedly chatting about the evening's  
performance of the blond actress_. _Apparently Ms. Berry has many words of praise.  
Did listening to her colleague sing revive her own stage spirits again?_

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

While the second one was subtitled with:

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

_Or was I a pure social call to a friend? Though we are asking ourselves if there seems  
to be some love in the air that caused the two Broadway singers to link their hands  
in this boldly fashion?_

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Before Rachel could react to it, Quinn had taken up her string of curse words.

"I'm gonna kill that worm! This fucking bitch exposed you without even standing on the frontline herself!" The blonde was so angry that she could not stay silent. Her hands slapped against each other in angry movements as she spoke.

Rachel just shrugged. "I know that we did not talk about your show until much later in the evening. I can't even remember what we talked about when we left the theater… oh, right, I told you about Tom. Anyway," she waved a dismissive hand towards the screen, "I don't have to react to that. That's something that I have learned very early in my career. It's best to not get hung up on what the papers write. It will only make you unhappy, no matter what they write. Either you get hungry and addicted for more, or you get absolutely devastated and depressed, neither of which is good. So for my part, I have chose not to read anything that's written about me. Besides, I wouldn't have had time to do anything else if I wanted to correct or comment on every tidbit that was published."

Quinn wondered how her girlfriend could stay so calm at this outragous article.

"But Rachel, this is different! This is a deliberate attempt to ruin your reputation by trying to prove that you are not deaf. Why do you think they have particularly posted this first picture with that capture? This is not just some random rambling. I think that this is Sharon's doing." Quinn spoke out loud while signing.

"How do you know that? How do you know _for sure_ that Sharon is behind it? Do you have any proof? Besides, I _was_ talking to you when we left the building, just don't know why she would want to prove that I'm not deaf. There _is_ nothing to prove."

"Come on, Rachel, this is clearly her style! Who do you think is the trustful source they mention? And where did they get the fact about the accident and your injuries? You said only Sharon and your personal assistant and lawyers knew about it. Besides, the longer Sharon keeps pounding this rumor of your faking into people's heads, the harder it will become to prove the opposite, as absurd as it may seem." Quinn raked her hands through her hair after she had relayed all her words with her hands.

"So what am I supposed to do? Throw myself in front of a truck and tell people afterwards that I did not hear it coming? Should I start slurring my speech or stop talking all together? What? This is just sick. Looking at it, I can only lose, and I will not – and I keep on repeating it – I will not lower myself to that level. I have _nothing_ to prove. Just talking about this whole topic is offensive enough already!"

Now Rachel smacked down her hand in anger and noticed how Quinn slightly reclined in her chair. It was an unconscious movement but it showed Rachel that she apparently had been throwing her words out a bit loudly and vehemently, though they were not directly targeted at Quinn, she rather wanted to vent her anger about the whole situation in general.

The brunette took a deep breath to calm down, reminding herself that Quinn did not deserve to be the target of her anger. The blonde watched Rachel with her brows furrowed and a slightly hurt expression.

"I'm sorry Quinn. I am sorry I shouted at you. I am not angry with you, believe me. This whole fucking situation makes me so furious that I cannot describe it! I am looking at the ruins of my life and Sharon – if she really is behind this - has nothing better to do than to turn this into a big game."

Quinn's expression softened a bit.

_I think she wants to pressure you into either confessing yourso called "prank" – _Quinn drew the quotation marks into the air –_ "or to admit openly and publicly how compromised you really are from the consequences of the accident._

"Yeah, however, I think the latter does not seem to have crossed her mind yet. But I'll have to talk to my lawyers, because you are right, there are not many people who knew about the extent of my injuries."

Rachel let her eyes roam across the room before settling on Quinn's face. Slowly it seemed to sink in what the whole situation did to her. She tried to soften her voice a bit.

"This is all so very personal. I am just starting to get my bearings again, finally being able to at least try to focus on what I want to to with my life and it makes me so angry to have all control taken out of my hand. Getting control over my life, learning to live with my limitations is just difficult enough. To have someone step so close into my personal space, pushing me, forcing me to react just makes me so mad!" Rachel pressed her hands against her temples. "I have had to give up enough of my freedom already and now it feels like I have also been robbed of the freedom to decide how to deal with my disability and when and whom to tell."

Quinn watched her girlfriend closely. She had not counted on Rachel getting so worked up on the article. She had expected for her to rather dismiss it, judging from her former rational and cool reactions, but apparently Rachel seemed to have realized now how this whole story undermined her personal space. Rachel's words gave Quinn also more insight on what impact losing her sense of hearing had on aspects other than communication.

She noticed that there was still something working in Rachel's mind and decided to give her some more room before saying anything.

Rachel was silently listening to the echo of her own words. She had to admit, the pictures could be a coincidence, but the whole thing definitely pointed at one direction, just as Quinn had stated earlier. And only now it had become clear to her how compromising this whole thing Sharon had started was for her.

She let out a long breath.

Fine.

If Sharon wanted to start a game, Rachel would not abide to its rules, whatever they were. She swiped her hands over her face and brushed her hair back.

"Alright." She thrust her shoulders back. "Let's assume this comes from Sharon…"

Quinn was relieved to hear this statement from her girlfriend.

_Good! I have an idea… _she was interrupted by Rachel stilling her hands with her own.

"Quinn, we won't kill her, maim her, hurt her – at least not physically - or actively ruin her," she instructed with a slight smile.

Quinn looked at Rachel for a moment._ Why not?_ She then asked sullenly.

Rachel got up and squeezed herself onto Quinn's lap. The blonde managed to scoot back a little so they would not be squashed between the chair and the table.

The brunette placed a hand on Quinn's cheek. Looking at her and touching her always helped to calm Rachel, to pull her back to reality and to bring her back to her senses. Now that her anger had somewhat dissipated, she could form some clear thoughts again and decide about how she wanted to deal with this.

"I appreciate your fierce protectiveness, darling," and she placed a kiss on her girlfriend's lips. "But I never ever want to stoop so low to be on the same level as her, wrongly accusing people of something they didn't do. You, me, we are much better than that. I can understand your desire to lash out and hurt her and I believe it would be immensely satisfying for a short while."

She paused for a moment, imagining that in her own head.

"Yes, it most definitely would be immensely satisfying," she sighed and looked over Quinns shoulder, then focused back on her. "But only for an instant, before having to face the consequences. And I think that would just make everything worse. As hard as it might be for you – and Santana, because I assume she is with you on the same page – I refuse to be bullied and forced into action." She pressed her lips together, then exhaled slowly.

_"I_ know that I am not pretending, so do you and other people who are important to me. If _she_ thinks otherwise, it is _her_ problem. Not mine, not yours. At least, as long as she does not try to destroy your career in the process. Because then it will become my problem as well."

Quinn leaned back a little so she could sign.

_But don't you see, Rachel that is exactly how I feel. She is trying to hurt you and I love you and want to protect you. Why can't you let me do that? How would you feel if I forbade you to do anything against her if she tried to ruin me?_

Rachel had to reflect about that. Quinn had a point. "True, I'd feel the same." And she placed a gentle kiss on her girlfriend's soft lips before continuing.

"Though in this case I still think that our tactic should not be to openly confront her, but to passively show how wrong she is. This way, she will outmaneuver herself. This is the more intelligent and less harmful way for us. Even though it might take longer and needs more patience and endurance."

Quinn sighed. _So what do you propose?_

"Since I'm in the focus of the public eye already, I might as well go for it. There are a couple of restaurants and bars where a lot of people from the business hang out. Well, I don't need to tell you, you know them. Maybe … we should go out and have some dinner there." She shortly looked at her hands, then back up at the hazel eyes. "It will soon be pretty obvious to what extent I was injured and how it influenced my life, I guess," she continued a little glumly. "Then it's up to the people to decide what they want to think."

Quinn looked at her for a moment. _Is that what you really want? Are you ready for that? _

Rachel shrugged. "I don't know if I'll ever be ready. I guess I have to face it sometime, especially if I should chose to stick to my crazy notion of still wanting to act. So I guess … now is as good as ever. Let's take it from there." She swallowed, somehow not sure if she could really live up to her brave words.

_Ok, if you want to do it, I'll support you, whatever your decision will be. But what I don't get is why she is so intent on hurting you, Rachel. What is it that drives that woman? And why doesn't she just try to find out about your condition as much as possible before publicly maiming you? Isn't she one bit afraid that this might be real?_

The brunette got up from her girlfriend's lap and started pacing, thinking about her former manager, trying to pull everything she knew about her character into account before forming an answer.

"You know, Quinn, I think she is personally hurt, because she still thinks I'm lying. She wonders why I wouldn't honestly talk to her, but start acting up like that. Sharon is a woman who does not tolerate her clients doing things behind her back and is personally offended that I might think I could pull it off without her acting on it. Even though we have officially and legally canceled my contracts with her, she is afraid to lose me to the competition." Rachel stopped at the table and leaned her hip against it, facing her girlfriend.

"If I ever came back on stage as a singer, I would have to revoke my contracts with her. The cancelation was only based on my medical condition. So if I would get my hearing back, I would have to go back to her for the rest of the run time of my original contracts, which is still one and a half years. That is all she wants. So now, if she would tolerate my - in her eyes faking - what would other clients and potential competitors think? She would lose her reputation and maybe even clients who appreciate her tough demeanor so far. On a professional level, she _has to_ act on it or react to it as soon as I make a public appearance."

_But even though, she cannot expect you to hide out forever, even if your injuries are true. Still, if she is such a clever business woman, why not ask you for the medical records?_

"She has seen them, at least the early ones. It was necessary so she would sign the release. But I am not going to show her anything else beyond that. As I said before, if she does not want to believe me, it is her problem."

_And what if someone would want to hire you now, say, as an actress? Wouldn't you have to go back to her then either?_

Rachel slowly shook her head. "No. The release was signed on the basis of my injuries. They still exist. I still can't hear. From a medical and legal point of view I would not have to go back."

_Maybe that is also a reason, why she is trying to ruin you either way. So nobody will want to hire you, no matter if you are healed or not, _Quinn signed.

Then she smiled broadly and added:

_Because she knows that you are still a great talent, no matter what!__  
_

Quinn stretched out her hand and pulled Rachel back onto her lap and planted a passionate kiss on the full lips of her girlfriend that also curved up in a little smile.

"Charmer!"

_Still, I would just like to plant my fist into her face_, Quinn then stated flatly. _Somehow that would feel so satisfying right now,_ she then sighed.

Rachel chuckled at Quinn's expression. "I know. But don't you see? If we manage that people understand that I am right and she is wrong, without me ever actively blaming her, it will be the best revenge we can get! Wait." With a start she paused a second. "Did I just say that? God, I already start thinking like her! I am not actually thinking about revenge. I'm usually a very forgiving person."

_Guess even your sense of forgivenenss eventually dries up_, Quinn quipped.

Rachel shook her head. "Anyway, think about it. If we don't actively counteract whatever she does, but show that none of what she accuses me of is true, she'll hopefully lose some credibility."

Quinn looked a little disappointed and confused. She would much rather have taken Sharon head on with a little physical bashing and thrashing instead of acting cleverly and patiently, even though she saw Rachel's point. If just acting on impulse, she would be seen as the one that played foully and not Sharon in the end. Sharon could lose her trustworthiness and her own reputation _if_ they got it right.

The more she thought about it, the more she started to like the idea of cleverly "playing" against Rachel's former manager.

_Fine, I get it. You are right, _Quinn finally conceded._ Sharon will look like a fool, the more she insists on her ridiculous story. The hard part will be to not react to anything that she might throw into your path directly, though._

"Yes, but I think that is the only chance I have. Any other direct confrontation will only fuel her fire and with her connections, I am afraid she would win in the end." Rachel let this possibilities swirl through her head.

No. That would not do. She would not let her last bit of dignity be taken away be this woman.

Then something else came to her mind.

"Do you think we can convince Santana that she also keeps her tongue tied? That she will not go off by herself and try her own little scheme against Sharon?"

Quinn tilted her head from left to right, mulling over Rachel's words. _I don't know. We will have to explain to her why we think it best to do it our way – your way. Even though she pulled a great number to get Kurt re-instated into school, by bribing Karofsky all those years ago… But, no I think if we make her aware of all the consequences any harsh action might have, she'll comply. _

_... ... ...  
_

"The hell I will!" Santana almost leaped off the sofa when Quinn and Rachel told her about the article that had been published in the internet and that they wanted her to stay quiet for now. She had come back around noon for a longer lunch break until she had to meet her next client in the afternoon.

The Latina looked from one woman to the other furiously. "Tell me you don't mean that! Tell me you have a plan to bring that woman down! You're not gonna just sit there and let her do this with you! And neither will I." She looked at her former Cheerios captain. "Quinn, tell me you are not leaning back on that one."

Santana had been talking so fast that it was difficult for Quinn to keep up with the signing. Rachel's look darted between her girlfriend's hands and Santana's lips back and forth, not getting every word the Latina was saying, despite Quinn's signing. She tried to piece together most of it and the anger Santana was transmitting through every pore of her body was almost palatable.

"Santana, please, let me explain. It's not like I am not going to do nothing. I will do something. But it will not be a direct confrontation, neither will I talk to the press nor will I ever openly accuse Sharon or try to make her look bad. The only way I can win this game is by proving that I am not faking anything. Even though that means I have to let people know about it sooner or later in one way or another. At one point, hopefully people will realize that I did not make this up." Then she added very quietly: "Even if I wish I did."

Santana let out a long breath. "So you think that will do it? Just show your face and nothing else?" It would take a lot more than that to convince the Latina. "Besides, why do you keep on saying 'I', Berry? It's not just you. We are in this together, remember?"

Despite the tense situation, Rachel had to smile. "Fine. _We_."

"Still I don't get why you want to be so passive about this whole thing," the Latina insisted.

This time Quinn tried to explain, her hands following her words. This was going to be a little difficult, she still had to concentrate quite a bit while signing and speaking at the same time, especially if she was saying more than a few sentences. Sometimes it still happened that she would confuse the signs and Rachel would have to ask her to repeat a word or a sentence, if she did not catch it in parallel by reading her lips. So Quinn had learned to pause in between some sentences, when she was doing both in parallel. That helped her to relax for a short moment and concentrate anew. Despite the few stumbles, she had become quite adapt at signing.

"Santana, I know you'd like to get your hands on this woman's dirty little throat. But honestly, even though it took Rachel some convincing to do, I realized that this would only make things worse for Rachel. Sharon has already accused her of simulating her deafness. If we try to hurt her openly now, she will only turn this against us. She'll play the card that Rachel Berry is already pretending her deafness and now tries to plan some other nasty scheme to fool the public. just to get some more attention. This way, Sharon will be the poor victim."

Quinn paused for a moment to collect herself before continuing with her explanation.

"She is actually using Rachel as the perfect bait to play her own little game. So Rachel may never – never ever take that bait. She needs to stay clear of that even though it might cost a lot of nerves and patience." She looked intently at her friend. "I know this is hard and I had the same intial reaction. I just wanted to get up and bash her face in. But the more we talked about it and the more I thought about it, I understood that only this way we have a chance of everyone else recognizing that not Sharon, but actually Rachel is the victim here in this whole sick game."

Rachel rolled her eyes. She did not want to be a victim. Even though she understood what Quinn was saying and how she meant it.

There was a moment of silence in which Rachel and Quinn exchanged a short look in the hopes that Santana's thirst for revenge had been quenched a bit and that she would understand their actions.

"Fine," she finally sighed, using the exact same words like Quinn before. "I get it." The Latina directed her black eyes at Rachel. "Let's see what happens. If nothing will change and this fucking lying snake of a woman keeps on harassing you, I will get my hands on her, like it or not. Imma gonna unlock that old Lima Heights badass girl that is still slumbering inside me and Imma gonna kick some ass!"

Despite the earnestness of the situation Quinn had to laugh at the last concession and even Rachel had to smile when her girlfriend accurately finger-spelled the Latina's Lima Heights speak. She knew it was not easy to bring such nuances across in ASL, so she was even more grateful that Quinn paid such close attention to it and wanted her to get the full context. In an impulse she grabbed Quinn's right hand and placed a soft kiss on the fingertips.

"So what's the plan?" Santana looked from Quinn to Rachel.

"We'll go out to dinner." Quinn stated, then looked at Rachel with a questioning expression, to get her approval.

Rachel nodded slowly. She could do this. She could go out and enjoy a dinner with her friends. After all, she had managed to watch an entire musical without hearing as much as one single note, so she surely could master a simple dinner at a restaurant.

Quinn seemed to catch onto her insecurity and encouragingly squeezed her hand, trying to tell her through that gesture and a smile that she would be alright, that everything would go well. Rachel nodded again and smiled bravely.

They decided to check if Kurt was also available to join them. Quinn would later call their favorite restaurant in order to reserve a table for the next evening, which was a Wednesday. Santana was free and Quinn also did not have to perform. So at least the three of them were already settled. Now they only had to get Kurt to join them.

Rachel thought that if he agreed, her wish to see him would have come true quicker than she had thought. Even though the circumstances per se were not as perfect, she would still enjoy his support and company.

The planning for the rest of the Tuesday afternoon was simple. Quinn had to get ready for an evening show a little later. They agreed that Rachel would then drive home to her apartment, meeting her girlfriend there after she finished her performance.

... ... ...

When Rachel was home, she threw her purse and other stuff on the couch and logged on to her computer, checking her e-mails.

She had received two messages that surprised her. Well, actually one that really surprised her, the other one was a regular reminder that there was still one person in her life who should know what really happened – instead of the superficial _'I'm fine, just busy'_ stuff she always sent as an answer back to the inquiries.

Focusing on the first e-mail, she curiously opened the message and scanned the text.

_Hi Rachel,_

_You might be a bit surprised to see this message coming from me. I finally found the courage to write to you, so please forgive me, if I have been treating you not very nicely and have not been understanding in the past. _

_Kurt told me what happened with your former manager and I just wanted to let you know that I am really sorry that she acted like that.  
I had some contact with her when I heard about the engagement here in New York and even though she seemed to have a high success rate in getting her clients placed into the big shows, I personally did not like her bossy demeanor. But I guess everyone has different ways of dealing with different characters, so I am glad she did a great job for you, at least, until you had your accident. _

_Rachel, I really want to aplogize that I acted so strangely around you. I just did not know how to deal with it. Becoming deaf is something that has always scared me a lot and now having seen it happen to someone I know, someone who loved performing and music just as much as I do, just shocked me too much. I did not want to deal with it. I flat out tried to ignore the whole thing, even though Kurt sat me down several times to talk some sense into me. _

_It's just an irrational fear that I have had since my childhood and it's gotten worse since I am now really staying on the stage almost every night, performing and singing. I have no idea how to get rid of this fear, but I know that seeing you having to live without your hearing, having to give up singing and the whole life you built around it, just freaked me out.  
After the dinner at Quinn's place I selfishly imagined me in your place and then I really lost it. I think Kurt was close to calling the paramedics to get me sedated. You might probably wonder how I could throw such a fit over something that has not even happened to me in real life, while you have to go through with it every day._

_Honestly I can't say how I will react next time we'll see each other. I don't like myself this way. Don't know if it is too much to ask to be a patient with me. _

_I am not sure if you can ever understand me and my irrational reaction, but the least I could to was try to explain, so you would you know why I was such a jerk. _

_Blaine_

Rachel sat a little stunned in front of the screen_._ After his surprisingly honest explanation she could understand a bit where Blaine was coming from, but this fear about losing her voice or becoming deaf had luckily never grown inside her while she was still performing. Yes, she had provided for it, insuring her voice and her hearing should anything ever happen. In retrospect it had been a good choice, since the payments now provided her with enough money to not having to worry about her living arrangements for the next years. But she had never dwelled on the likelihood of something happening to her like Blaine did. Living with such a constant fear could be really consuming.

She placed her hands on the keyboard and started typing her reply.

_Hi Blaine,_

_Your e-mail surprised me. Of course I noticed that you had some kind of problem with me, but I just could not figure out why or what it was. And I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt.  
Thank you for being honest with me now. At least now I understand what made you act like this around me last time we saw each other. If there is anything I can do to help, let me know._

_I do hope that we will see each other again sometime and I promise to be patient, if you promise me to stay honest and open with me. Should you feel more comfortable writing, then that is also fine with me and don't hesitate to ask me any questions you might have. It really helped that Quinn and Santana discussed a lot of things with me regarding my deafness and I am glad they were never shy to ask. So whenever you feel ready to talk, I'll try to answer your questions as best as I can._

_It is easier for me if people confront me directly instead of beating around the bush or pretending that everything is all right. So I really appreciated your explanation._

_I hope that you'll manage to conquer your fear one day - or that you at least manage to accept it and not let it make you miss out on the happiness. Sometimes, fear can overshadow everything and make you blind for the good things you have.  
I really hope that every time you stand on stage you enjoy it instead of fearing that you could lose it all. _

_I send you a hug (and one for Kurt)_

_Rachel  
P.S.: What are the odds of one of our group of friends having to suffer the exact same fate like me? I'd say zero to none. So if you believe in statistics, I guess you are safe. :-).  
Just kidding. I do take your words seriously, so whenever you feel like talking, e-mailing, texting, please do._

Thinking of deleting the sentences under the PS Rachel then decided against it. Hopefully Blaine would see it as it was meant. A little encouragement and sign that she was not offended.

Clicking on send, she then read the second e-mail.

This one was from Shelby.

Rachel and her birth mother had stayed in loose contact over the years, writing each other e-mails, letters, and meeting at Christmas in Lima for a short personal catch-up. Very few times they also had met in New York when Shelby was in the city.

Over the past months however, Rachel had only sent very short answers back to her mother whenever she had written, not finding the courage to tell her what had happened. When Shelby heard that Rachel had relinquished her role in Funny Girl, she had of course tried to find out why, especially since she had not received the news from Rachel herself, but from another source. But neither Rachel nor her dads had explained something concrete, which was immensely frustrating for Shelby.

Rachel had just told her that she needed some time off due to immense pressure. So basically the same stuff her assistant had told the press and Shelby was non the wiser, except that she felt that there was more going on and wanted to know the details. She knew about pressure such a job brought, and had hoped to support Rachel in any way.

Several times she was short of just showing up in front of Rachel's apartment to find out what was really going on, but then figured, if Rachel wanted to talk about it, she would do it and since she still answered her e-mails, it was at least something, however superficial and short her replies were.

Now, in the most recent e-mail, Shelby had invited her for their traditional Christmas dinner again, just like the years before. Only this time she asked if it was all right to have the dinner together with Quinn, not yet knowing that Rachel and her were a couple. She had planned a ski vacation with Beth and wanted to know, if it was ok to meet both girls on the same evening, figuring that they had stayed in contact over the years.

Rachel had not told Shelby about the break up of her and Quinn's friendship. She had not even talked much about it with her dads, it had just hurt too much. However it made the holiday planning a bit easier now, it seemed. At least for Shelby.

Rachel knew that Quinn also stayed in contact with Shelby because of Beth. So whenever Quinn traveled back to Lima, she would also spend some time with her daughter. Apparently she had not mentioned anything about the status of their friendship either.

Rachel sighed. There was a quite some explaining to do to bring Shelby up to date with everything. But first of all she wanted to ask Quinn if she had received the same invitation from Shelby and how to deal with this. So she decided to put answering her off antoher day, or at least until she had discussed this with Quinn. Basically there stood nothing against having dinner the four of them together.

It was just the question of how to break the news to Shelby of what was really going on in their lives.

Rachel blew a strand of hair out of her face. Then she pushed the laptop away and got up. She would worry about this a little later.

Now she preferred to think about her girlfriend and what to prepare for a light late dinner so they could enjoy the meal together. Thinking back how worried she was the first time she and Quinn were supposed to have dinner, because she thought of herself to be such a lousy cook, she now started to enjoy preparing food for her girlfriend and herself. It really made a difference if you just cooked for yourself or if you had someone to enjoy the food with and so far Quinn had liked and complimented her on the dishes she had created.

Smiling Rachel opened the fridge to take stock of her inventory. Finding she had everything she needed, she decided to jumpt into the shower. Slowly slipping out of her clothes, she then stepped under the hot water that rained down on her. Feeling the warm drops hit her skin, she tilted her head upwards, imagining the sound the rushing of the water made when it came out of the showerhead and how it splashed onto her skin and the tiles around her.

Thinking of how she would serve the finger food she had planned to prepare and how she would feed Quinn with it, Rachel started to hum a little melody without noticing it.

* * *

**...**

**...**

**...**

**I will be on another business trip next week, so again I apologize upfront for the longer wait... We'll have a little more action then, though I had the feeling I needed to clarify a couple of things here in regards to Sharon and why Rachel wanted to deal with it the way she does...  
**


	31. Chapter 31

**Just came back from my business trips ready for an update! Here it comes!**

**I don't own Glee (yeah, nothing has changed here…)**

**redroseangle, gllover22, w1cked: Thanks for your feedback on Rachel's plan that she shouldn't sink to Sharon's level!**

**summer1234: Again so many 'thank yous' for the great exchange we have. Your insight is helping lot! **

**JPElles, gllover22: Just had some thoughts on the Shelby part and I am so looking forward to writing it!**

**Sole: Thank you for your patient feedback and sharing of thoughts about ADITW and Glee!**

**Nicole Craft, I owe you big big thanks for sticking with me as my beta-reader for so many chapters now!**

**Thank you all for all the other reviews and for following and 'favoriting' my story!**

**Ok, on with it:**

* * *

**Chapter 31**

The afternoon on Wednesday, Rachel stood in front of her wardrobe desperately trying to find something to wear. Every outfit she had picked out so far was discarded again for whatever reason. Quinn, Santana and she would go out for dinner tonight, meeting Kurt at the restaurant too.

Wednesdays, and for some plays Monday, was usually a day that brought a lull in the ticket sales, as many people were either still satiated from the weekend's cultural program or were looking forward to their plans in the upcoming end of the week. Therefore, many plays decided to keep the theaters closed on one of those two days. Unfortunately, Quinn's play would be on, but it was her co-star's turn for this particular night.

Quinn had called Kurt and had shortly explained the situation. Rachel had been ok with Quinn making the call as it was quicker than sending text messages back and forth.

Not that Kurt had been surprised about the whole situation; he had read the article about Rachel as well and was familiar with what had happened between her and Sharon. Rachel had told him via e-mail some days ago when she needed another person's opinion on how to react under the circumstances. Kurt had also thought it best not to do anything rash but to wait and see how things developed.

Seeing the article though, he was also convinced that it must have been Sharon's doing and when Quinn asked him if he was free to join their dinner and lend Rachel some moral support, he did not hesitate.

As Rachel sifted through her closet, she doubted more and more on the sense of their "plan". There was nothing wrong per se going out to dinner with friends, but the real reason behind it just seemed so surreal. As if she was a character in a badly written movie plot; only this time she was not portraying another person but was representing herself, which made her even more nervous.

Her social anxiety had not diminished much, it was still an act of sheer willpower to go out and be confronted with the hearing world. A world she once had belonged to but had to view from the sidelines now. Also, it was another challenge to meet people from her former trade, some of them still sent her messages and asked what happened and how she was. They might not necessarily run into some of those old colleagues tonight, but they might. It was not something Rachel was looking forward to. One by one in a controlled surrounding would have been ok, but not knowing exactly what was awaiting her gave her the jitters.

But in order to take the wind out of Sharon's sail, she only had two choices. Stay away from all social life, from everything that had meant so much for her, which then as a consequence meant not being a support for Quinn in her career. Or she could swallow her fear, find her courage to step out and let people know what happened. What _really_ happened and not what Sharon Basont wanted them to think.

While turning this over and over in her head, she finally asked herself if she _really_ had to do it. If the only thing Sharon was afraid of was that Rachel would look for another manager and would only try to keep the cancelation of her contract with this tale of an injury upright, would her fears not be stilled by the pure fact that Rachel did not show up in public anymore? Not now and not in the near future?

Then again, she wanted to be there for her girlfriend, she wanted to show her that despite her current condition, she would always encourage her in her career and lend her moral support.

It all sounded so easy, but it would actually mean for her to visit concerts, shows and maybe even award shows with her – if Quinn wanted to be accompanied by her. If so, this would inevitably bring her back in touch with her former world. So the earlier she started getting used to it, the easier it would be when she needed to support Quinn, Sharon Basont and her fucking reasons be damned.

Rachel sat on her bed. Another thing was that if she really wanted to consider the crazy idea of taking up acting again, she would have to start showing her face and refresh the contacts she still had.

A part of her really wanted to be out there again. It felt like a small piece of the old Rachel was slowly finding its way back into her life. She wanted to know what was going on in the business, she actually wanted to meet some of her former colleagues that still tried to get in touch with her and she did not want to hide for the rest of her life.

And that part of her wanted to also start enjoying the small things in life that had been so natural to her once again. But there was this huge obstacle that put the whole world on mute and made it so difficult just walking up to somebody, saying hello, asking how he or she has been. Or walking into a bar or a restaurant or a coffee shop, ordering her most favorite drink with all the little extras knowing that there would come a million questions with it from the service guy without wondering how to understand him.

She sighed.

God why was life now so complicated that she had to think and pre-plan just a simple dinner with friends? It all sounded so logical and easy when speaking about it, but actually going through it now, she felt her knees go weak.

Maybe she should just forget about everything else and only focus on having a nice evening with her friends at a nice restaurant.

Take the pressure off.

Well, she had to be patient, she guessed. One step at a time seemed to have become her constant motto. She would find ways to deal with all these situations. It would cost time and experience and it would need courage to actually go out and actively seek out these situations, but only then would she be able to work out ways to deal with them. She was sure that it would be easier with time. Rachel just wished she already had the wealth of experiences only months and years to come would bring.

For now, she had to concentrate on the present and try to get her nerves under control.

Rachel looked at the clothes in her hands that she had pulled out of the closet without paying attention to them. On a second look, they seem ok for the purpose.

Breathing deeply a few times, she then stood up and looked at the dark grey slacks and the black blouse. Then she chose a pair of black high heels to complete the outfit. As an accessory she selected a long, silver necklace with a small silver pendant shaped like an angel's wing. It had been a gift from her dads just before her first big Broadway audition some years ago. It came with the words:

_May you always have a breadth of air beneath your wings!_

She could definitely need some uplift now. It was always comforting to feel the small weight of the pendant just below her breast bone.

Quickly, Rachel brushed her hair and decided to leave it cascading down her back, not bothering to straighten the natural soft waves. With a look at the clock on the nightstand, she decided she might as well get dressed now. She would meet Quinn and Santana at their apartment and take a cab to the restaurant from there.

As for the evening's "protocol", they had decided that she should just do as she felt most comfortable with in regards to using sign language; Kurt and Quinn would support her without question. Remembering how well it had worked during the first dinner they had at Quinn's place, Rachel was confident that she did not need to worry in that regard. This time, it was just the four of them, so it would be easier to follow who was saying what.

As the remnants of their last subway experience still lingered in her bones, Rachel decided to take a cab to Quinn's place. She was lucky as a yellow car drove up the road and picked her up just as she stepped out of her apartment building. She quickly gave Quinn's address to the driver and let herself be ferried across town. Fifteen minutes later, they stopped in front of her destination. She quickly paid and stepped out. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed the cab pull away from the curb and quickly stop again.

That was weird.

Turning, she saw the driver reach behind his seat and then get out again. That moment it dawned on her.

Shit. How could she be so nervous to forget half her stuff in the cab?

The guy quickly walked over, handed her the small Dakine travel bag with a smile and the comment "You forgot this". Rachel sighed with relief and smiled back at him.

"Thanks, don't know where I have my head," she answered and lifted her hand in a quick gesture of thanks and goodbye.

They had decided to stay at Quinn's place after the dinner earlier, so she had packed some stuff for the night and fresh clothes for the next day.

Opening the apartment with her key, she found neither girl present in the kitchen or living room, so she quickly made her presence known by ringing the bell before she entered. Santana poked her head out of her room with a phone to her ear, acknowledged Rachel's presence with a nod and pointed at the bathroom to tell her where Quinn was.

Rachel dropped her bag in the bedroom and debated whether to help her lady to get ready. Or, well, distract her from it. With a smug smile, she sauntered over to the bathroom door when Santana came out of her room on her way to the kitchen. Rachel called after her.

"Santana, do you hear what she is doing? I don't want to scare her if she doesn't hear me knock," she asked the Latina. Santana listened for a moment then pointed at her ear and shook her head, wanting to say that she did not hear anything.

Apparently, Quinn was neither under the shower nor drying her hair so Rachel took the chance to knock and a second later a blonde head looked around the half opened door in answer. Quinn's face was quickly illuminated with a huge smile at seeing who was standing in front of her and she unceremoniously pulled Rachel inside, right against her own lips.

The brunette laughed against her girlfriend's mouth. "What a nice welcome! Did you miss me?"

Quinn nodded and mouth "very", before claiming Rachel's full lips again, savoring their softness and taste.

With a satisfied sigh, she then let go and held the other woman at arm's length to let her eyes wander over her body appreciatively.

_You look very sexy, darling. I never thought I'd like you in pants as much as in skirts, but the way they cling to your hips and accentuate your nice little butt, damn, I like it! _Quinn complimented her girlfriend with her hands.

Rachel blushed from the praise.

"Thanks. I like your towel-wrap outfit as well. I'd recommend some shoes though before going out," she then teased Quinn's half naked state, only hidden by a huge bath towel the blonde had draped around herself after coming out of the shower.

Quinn wanted to give a smart retort but was disturbed by a loud knock on the door. At least that was what Rachel figured it was, since the blonde looked up and then moved her mouth in what seemed like an answer to Santana outside. She raised a questioning eyebrow and waited for Quinn to explain.

The blond rolled her eyes. _S is afraid we'll make out in the bathroom and she'll have no time to get ready. I told her to get lost and that we could have hot sex wherever we wanted,_ she then grinned.

"Is she still out there?" Rachel asked in a low voice.

Quinn nodded. _Yeah, she's gonna camp in front of the door until we come out, that's what she said. Don't know if that is supposed to scare us or what. _

Rachel let a mischievous grin appear on her face, pressed herself against Quinn's body, turned her in the process and walked her two steps backwards until the blonde leaned her back against the door. Then Rachel pressed herself harder against her taller girlfriend.

"Oh Quinn! Ah, yes, please!" Rachel moaned and banged her hand against the door for emphasis.

Quinn had to bite her lip. Part of her felt like laughing at Rachel's antics, while another part of her was getting very much aroused. And it didn't help that she only had a towel concealing very little of her body and that she had a full view down Rachel's neckline, ogling the swell of her breasts just above the lace of her bra.

When they felt a hard rap at the door coming from outside, both women could not hold in their laughter any longer. Giggling, they opened the door and rushed past a slightly fuming Latina towards the bedroom.

Still giggling they fell on the bed.

"Did she say anything?" Rachel wanted to know.

_Yes. She said fuck you, too._

"Who me, or you?" Rachel retorted smartly.

Quinn shoved her. Then joined the banter. _I guess she meant you, she already had me some years ago,_ she grinned.

Rachel snickered. "True. Think she'll ever forgive us?"

_I guess we'll have to live that one down for a while_, Quinn grinned.

"I am sure she'll find a way to retaliate. Oh, did she tell you how did her date with Jenna was?" Rachel then remembered to ask.

_It wasn't a date. At least that was what Santana insisted on,_ Quinn answered with her hands, laying on her back on the bed, her towel barely concealing her best parts.

"Yeah, right. With that spark shooting off between them? Come on!" Rachel did not buy it.

_I know. I kept insisting that it was a date. Anyway, they had planned a nice dinner, then they wanted go to another bar and, um, I think it was around two in the morning when I hear her come back. So I'd say they probably had a nice evening._

"Hm, sounds like it. Gotta ask her about it. You haven't talked to her?" Quinn shook her head. "I'll ask her. I want to know _everything_ about that _date_."

_Yeah, me too! Ok, I've got to get dressed, as much as you like my current outfit, but I wouldn't want to be kicked out by the next best waiter._

When Quinn stood up from the bed, Rachel tugged at the hem of the towel until it came loose and revealed a gloriously naked athletic body.

"Not sure they would be able to kick you out if they saw this," she murmured while she stretched a bit and pressed her lips on the soft skin of her girlfriend's stomach.

Quinn hummed at the touch, leaning into her girlfriend who was still seated in front of her, having her face then just at the perfect height to meet the juncture of her legs. Never letting an opportunity to go to waste, Rachel was quick to place soft kisses at the alluring sight in front of her.

"Guys, get dressed already. We have to get going in twenty!" Quinn then heard Santana holler across the hallway.

"Shoot!"

Rachel looked up. "What?"

_Santana just called, I completely forget the time when I am with you. We have to leave in twenty minutes!_

"Oh, then hurry!" And she gave her girlfriend a light slap on her bottom half.

…. ... ...

Thirty minutes later, they piled into a cab and rode the fifteen blocks to the restaurant where they met Kurt.

He was already waiting in front, rubbing his hands together and stepping from one foot to the other.

"What took you guys so long? I am freezing my nice little butt off," he exclaimed in greeting while signing with his black-gloved hands.

He wore a dark gray coat with a black collar and a white scarf wrapped around his neck and the ends tugged neatly inside the coat.

"Sorry Kurt, not my fault. The ladies here," and Santana nodded with her head back in the direction of the other two women who had the good grace to look a little guilty at least, as they climbed out of the cab "had a little inappropriate timing."

"Ugh, we didn't even make out," Quinn muttered under her breath, not being able to sign as she pulled Rachel out of the cab after her with one hand.

"Whatever, I don't care. Let's go in; it's not getting warmer out here," Kurt replied, and held the door for the three ladies.

They had to wait for a moment for a waiter to be seated. Kurt used the short wait to courteously embrace each of his friends to make up for the somewhat harsh greeting he had displayed outside.

_Hi Rachel, good to see you again._

"Hey, Kurt, thanks for coming tonight! Is Blaine busy?" She politely inquired, secretly relieved that he was not here.

_Yes, he has to perform tonight_. He paused for a moment, noticing the slightly uneasy look on her face. _You sure you are ready for this?_

Rachel just managed a nod and felt her friend's eyes still resting on her face when she noticed the head waiter approaching. He checked his reservation list and led them to a table right in the middle of the restaurant. Rachel's face fell a little realizing they would be sitting there in plain sight for the whole restaurant to see them. Quinn noticed her look and apologized.

_They didn't have any other table. I don't know what it is today, but two other restaurants I called were also fully booked. Maybe they can re-seat us once some other guests are leaving. Shall we give it a try?_

Again, Rachel only managed to nod.

The restaurant was built into an old church which made for a wonderful interior and an impressive architecture, but for the acoustics the owners were still struggling to find a way to dampen the echo that reverberated from the stone walls. When the place was fully booked, it was sometimes hard to understand the people at your own table, though this did not keep the guest from coming and enjoying the absolutely superb food and surroundings. Sometimes, they would also have little concerts for which the acoustics were great.

The four of them chose their seats at the table and Quinn, Kurt and Santana simultaneously looked around to assess who the other guests were. Rachel had immediately buried her head in the menu which lay on each plate, feeling very shy suddenly. She had already spotted two people she knew coming in and hoped they would just ignore her.

She was not so sure anymore that this was a good idea. The size of the place, the way they were seated and the fact that it seemed fully booked did nothing to ease her anxiety. Part of her wanted to look around, wanted to assess the situation to know what was going on in her surroundings, but a bigger part just felt like shrinking until she was invisible to the rest of the world. Maybe it was too early, maybe she should have waited a little longer until she felt surer of herself before confronting this part of the world.

She tried to take deep breaths while she concentrated on the words in front of her until she felt a warm hand on hers. Looking up, she noticed Quinn's hazel eyes full of concern.

The blonde was watching Rachel closely upon entering, seeing how she nervously bit her lip and tried to make herself as small as possible in order to not call any attention to her. She tried to put herself in Rachel's shoes and figured that the choice of the restaurant was a little unfortunate for their first "outing".

Quinn had been there twice and had to admit that although she really liked the architecture and the whole atmosphere, she had forgotten how bothersome the noise could be. The constant rush of the many waiters was also a bit annoying, especially when you sat in the middle of it all.

Centering her attention on her girlfriend, she signed:

_How do you feel? Should we leave? I mean it. If you want to go, we can leave. _

Rachel genuinely considered taking her up on her offer, then bravely bit her lip and slowly moved her head from side to side.

Maybe they should have waited, maybe they just should have gone out for a short drink to begin with, Quinn thought. Anyone could see how uncomfortable Rachel was. Santana and Kurt seemed to notice it too as they exchanged a short and knowing look.

Quinn guessed that Rachel would not have let herself be rushed into such a decision under normal circumstance. One more reason to hate Sharon Basont. Even though Rachel had been an actress, and a very good one, everyone with a bit of common sense could not think she was just putting on a show.

Rachel became paler by the minute; her breathing got more labored while little beads of sweat appeared just under her hairline on her forehead. She felt the waiters rushing past her and did not dare to look around, and every time jolted a bit when someone brushed by her chair. This let the tension inside her build up even more.

Rachel was not sure if she could swallow one bite of her food, not matter what she ordered. Her throat felt so tight that it was hard to breath. With fear, she realized that she was close to a panic attack.

Great.

It was surely a wise idea to start hyperventilating in the middle of a fully packed restaurant if you wanted to _not_ draw any attention to yourself.

The worst part was that she did not even understand why she reacted like that. It was not a situation that was as scary as it had been on the subway. Nothing had happened yet, she was just sitting in the middle of a restaurant having dinner with her friends. No big deal. No reason to be scared, no reason to get her nerves all fired up.

But still, not knowing where to aim her attention at with all the buzzing around her absolutely confused her since the acoustic cues were missing to help her evaluate the situation. Again, she was fully confronted with the fact of how much she unconsciously had relied on her hearing in situations like this without ever acknowledging it before, or ever be thankful for it.

Quinn tugged on her hand, motioned a waiter to get their coats and pulled Rachel out of her chair.

"Guys, excuse us for a minute." She threw over her shoulder at her two friends and signed for Rachel:

_Let's go get some fresh air._

Rachel numbly followed and let herself be guided out of the building. Quinn led them away from the entrance and then held Rachel's shoulders, trying to get her attention. When she would not look at her, she gently lifted her chin until the brown eyes met hers.

Quinn noticed the panic, confusion and hurt in them.

_Breathe!_

Quinn mouthed, while still holding onto Rachel's slender shoulders. When Rachel did not react, she shook her slightly to get her out of the catatonic state she had slipped into.

Finally the brown eyes seemed to focus on her and Quinn repeated the word '_breathe' _with her lips.

Rachel took a shuddering breath, her eyes not leaving Quinn's.

"Good. Keep breathing in….. and out," the blonde voiced very slowly noticing how Rachel was trying to adapt her breathing pattern to hers.

After a couple of deep breaths, she seemed to calm down a little and the shallow breaths had returned to a more normal rhythm.

After another moment Rachel managed to raise her hands to sign.

_Sorry. I don't know why I panicked. There was nothing that should've made me react like that._

Quinn looked at Rachel's hands. Just the fact that she signed these words was a sign of how much the situation had distressed her. She had noticed before when Rachel did not feel very comfortable, she sometimes reverted back to just signing, as if feeling insecure about her voice, about managing to control her pitch and volume.

Quinn gently cupped her face with one hand and stroke her thumb over her cheek before she answered.

_It's ok, honey. Don't apologize. Things like that happen and it doesn't always need a specific reason. Look at it like this; you have not been out in public for such a long time - subway rides aside. _

Quinn searched Rachel's face for a reaction. She noticed the ever so slight nod.

_Coming to my show was a first step and it was in the relative security of the backstage area even. Here, you are fully exposed and even though most of the people would not know what happened from the first glance, you probably know and feel it every step of the way. It is ok to be scared. It is ok to feel uncomfortable, but I think the more you try to suppress it, the harder it will become._

Quinn rested her hands as she held Rachel's gaze, trying to transmit all the love and support she could give through her eyes.

_No one expects you to be perfect Rachel, least of all your friends. Don't try to get through this alone. That is why we are all here. I can imagine this is not easy, but tell us what you need to feel more comfortable in this situation. Ok?_

Quinn debated whether to offer to leave and go home again. But she did not want to give up yet, knowing that it would be even harder for Rachel, seeing this as a failure. And facing such a situation the next time would only be more difficult.

She gave Rachel a few moments to digest her words, her eyes never leaving her face.

Finally she saw more than she heard a very small and soft "Ok" coming from her girlfriend's lips.

Quinn stepped a little closer and waited for Rachel to close the remaining gap with a hug. Then she held her girlfriend for a moment, stroking her hand lightly over her back.

Rachel had to draw up quite some willpower to finally let go and disentangle herself from Quinn. She still felt like bolting and going back home, her home, to hide under the covers and forget the whole world. But she knew that this would get her nowhere and that it would make it only harder facing a similar situation next time. She owed it to her friends and also to herself after all that she had accomplished to take this next step, too.

She lifted her hands. _I think I am ready to go in, _she signed while she silently mouthed the words in parallel.

Quinn nodded. _Ok. Take your time, no rush._

Rachel took a couple more deep breaths and then turned, quickly squeezing Quinn's hand as a sign of gratitude.

They re-entered the restaurant and this time Rachel forced herself to not look at the floor, but to walk at a normal pace towards their table, consciously taking in her surroundings.

The waiter took their coats again and Rachel noticed the relieved looks on her friend's faces when she and Quinn joined them back at the table. While cautiously sitting down, she threw them an apologetic smile.

"Sorry, I guess this threw me off balance more than I thought it would." Thinking back to Quinn's words outside, she then asked her friends:

"Can you describe to me what it's like? What do you hear? I remember that it can be very noisy, but I… I don't know it feels strange … without the background noise. Sorry, I sound stupid."

Kurt reached across the table before signing his answer. _No! Don't say that. It is ok to ask, Rachel! _

And Kurt did his best to describe what he heard.

The clatter of the dishes, the hushed voices whose volumes felt like they were ten times intensified as they echoed back from the high stone walls, the steps of the waiters on the tile floor when they were rushing back and forth, the harsh and high laughter of a couple of women that sat two tables over, the clinking of the silverware against the plates. These high-pitched noises were also much more intensified in volume through the architecture.

Santana also gave a good summarizing description which Quinn translated for her.

"From our table, it feels like we're sitting in the middle of a merry go round. Only that you don't have the little horses flying around you, it is the noise. It swirls around and it's sometimes hard to locate where it's coming from when it bounces off the walls."

"Thank you," Rachel managed shyly. She was really grateful for the descriptions. It helped trigger some of the memories she had of this place.

The noise did not seem to become any less over the course of the evening. The more people ate and drank, the louder they seemed to get to make themselves heard over the backdrop noise of the restaurant. It seemed that all the noise that bounced off the walls was directed at their table.

More than once, Rachel had to raise her voice to repeat what she had said. It was exhausting. She found it difficult to adjust the volume just right, because she had no way of judging how loud the surroundings really were. She more and more reverted to signing, even though she preferred to talk, it was so much easier for her as well as for her friends. Now they had to not only translate for her, but also for Santana when Rachel was signing.

She felt even more grateful for Quinn and Kurt to be there and help her along.

Out of the corner of her eyes she noticed the curious looks from some of the neighboring tables. Rachel tried to ignore them. She felt Quinn's hand on her thigh and the blonde squeezed it encouragingly.

_How are you holding up?_

_Ok, I guess. Is it exhausting for you? I am sorry that I don't feel comfortable talking._

_Kurt and I are fine, really. _After a short moment Quinn asked: _Have you seen anyone you know? _

_Three tables a little to the left is a woman in a black dress. I know her from _Funny Girl_. She sings in the background choir and is the stand-in for the actress who plays one of Mr. Arnstein's show girls. Other than that I have not looked much. She kind of sat in my line of vision, that's how I spotted her. _

They finished their main course talking about one of Santana's clients who apparently made her life hell. That meant something if even Santana had troubles standing her ground. But she had worked out a nice plan á la coach Sylvester to push the guy where she wanted him. Unfortunately, he was one of her boss's recommendations, so she just could not tell him straight to his face what an asshole he was. She needed that job. So she had swallowed her pride twice already and that meant a lot for Santana. This fact did not help the guy in getting a better foot on the ground with his trainer. The Latina had decided to plainly hate him.

"Imma gonna give this asshole a taste of his own food for bossing me around. His relation to my superior be damned!"

Rachel had to laugh at Santana's face when she delivered the last sentence. She looked so grim and determined that the brunette almost feared for the man's life. Once again she was glad she was on the receiving end of the Latina's friendship and not her anger. Smiling slightly, she focused back on her food, astonished that despite the circumstance she had managed to eat most of it.

"Dessert, anyone?" The waiter asked when he cleared their table a little later. They all nodded and a few moments later he returned with the menu. Rachel threw a quick look inside and spotted her favorite sweet dish.

"Can you order that one for me?" She asked Quinn aloud, tapping on the menu, hoping to be heard, "I have to use the bathroom."

Quinn nodded and looked after her girlfriend as she wove her way through the tables towards the bar only to then disappear into a small hallway to the right of it.

Kurt followed Quinn's gaze. "Is she ok? I would not have thought that this was so difficult for her."

Santana cut in. "I guess Rachel did not expect it to be so difficult either. Though it is hard to imagine what it must be like."

"Well, I had a small taste of it once." Quinn cut in. "And I have to say, I totally freaked out. And we were just the two of us having dinner at my apartment."

Remembering the story Rachel had told him on her first visit, Kurt asked: "Was that when you wore those earplugs?"

Quinn nodded and answered "Yes," thinking back to that evening, when she had invited Rachel for the first time. The way the realization had dawned on her during the course of the evening must be something that must have happened to Rachel in a similar way, every time she faced a new situation. Just because the accident had already happened some months ago did not mean that she had adjusted to all of its consequences. After all, it was a short time span measured on the impact it had on her life.

Quinn was not sure she would have gone through with this dinner if she were in Rachel's place. She would not have gone through a lot of things that Rachel had faced so far.

She most definitely would have hit Santana senseless had she dragged her to the theater, and it would not have mattered if her girlfriend had worked there or not.

The Latina caught the blonde's gaze and raised an eyebrow. "What's eating you, Q?"

Quinn shook her head. "Just thinking that I probably would have killed you had you dragged _me_ to the theater instead of Rachel. I'm just trying to understand where Rachel got the courage and strength from to go through all this. I would not be able to do it, honestly."

Santana's gaze softened a bit, skipping over Quinn's first comment. "Quinn, Rachel doesn't have a choice. So what else can she do? If she decided to somehow live with this, she needs to go through all the experiences, one by one. Some will be good, some will be bad, but she'll learn from every one of them and she'll grow because of them."

Quinn sighed. "I know. I know all that. But I feel so helpless sometimes, so… I don't know. I just wish I could do something, anything to help her. I keep repeating myself here, I know, but these thoughts don't stop. And I feel like I'm not doing enough." She sounded a bit desperate. "I know I have said that before, but I can't stop this feeling!"

Kurt leaned forward. "Quinn, how can you think that you are not doing enough? You're the reason why Rachel managed to pull herself out of her depressive state. You brought hope to her; hope to participate in life again after what she had lost. Why do you keep doubting yourself? And just as she has to come to terms with being deaf, you also have to come to terms with it. This is a process you have to go through as well. We _all_ still have to learn and adapt to it."

"We know you are trying to be strong and to protect her and that you are trying to hold up a strong facade," Santana added. "But you also need to ask for help once in a while, Quinn. Ask Rachel for help. Show her that you can also be weak. That she can be someone you can lean on."

Quinn swallowed. Funny that Santana said that. "I know. I told you about the situation in the subway after you guys visited my show, right? I was so glad that she was with me. I would've screamed bloody murder had I been alone down there. But apparently she doesn't quite believe that I need her, that I need her strength as well as she needs mine."

Santana quickly touched Quinn's hand in a comforting gesture. "Tell her. Talk to her. Tell her how you feel, Q. Tell her about your insecurities, your doubts. After all, that is what you told me as well, right?" She then asked with a raised eyebrow "To not hold back and hide behind my _tough outer veneer_, I believe you called it."

Touché.

Quinn quickly lifted one corner of her mouth.

"Yeah, I know. It's just tough living up to one's own wise word," she then smiled. "Well, I have to use the restroom. Don't touch my desert should it be served before I'll get back!"

With a warning glance at her friends Quinn got up and made her way towards the restrooms. She noticed a friend from Yale, sitting in the far corner having dinner with his wife and she waved quickly as a way of greeting, before disappearing around the corner of the bar.


	32. Chapter 32

**Glee disclaimer... as always...**

**Sole's stories: Thank you for letting me steal your Santana idea! And thank you for our continuous great discussions! :-)**

**gllover22, ****w1cked: No worries... see...**

**Have a happy weekend everyone!**

* * *

**Chapter 32**

As Rachel exited the ladies room, she almost ran into a tall figure that came out of the men's bathroom. She quickly stepped back and as the guy also sidestepped to avoid a collision with the petite woman, their eyes met. A wide smile spread across the man's face. Rachel slowly exhaled.

"Rachel! Good … you." Was all that Rachel was able to read from his lips, making a quick guess on the full sentence.

"Tom, nice to see you, too," she answered in the hopes of having gotten it right. Before he could continue though, she decided she needed to apologize to him for her hasty and unfriendly brush off at the theater the other day.

"Tom, I … I'm sorry I did not take the time to talk to you the other night. I…"

He waved her apology off in a friendly manner. "Oh, don't worry about it. I…" and the rest of the sentence was lost to her. She remembered that he had the tendency to talk a bit fast when he was engaged in a conversation and the lighting was also not at its best in the small corner they were standing in. This made it hard for her to read his lips.

"Tom. Stop please. Let me finish," she gently interrupted him. Collecting her courage, she then explained: "The reason why I did not want to talk to you that evening was that … I have lost my hearing some months ago in an accident. I guess that must sound strange especially after having seen me attending a musical, but… Anyway, to make a long story short, I had enough going on with just being back at a theater without being able to hear and I was not ready to talk to anyone besides my friend." Rachel noticed how she skirted around the word _deaf_. It still would not come across her lips easily.

She kept her eyes locked on Tom's handsome face to gauge his reaction, hoping that he would understand why she had acted that way. He seemed perplexed and clearly had to digest the words she had just told him.

"But… musical… understand." He shook his head. Judging from the fragments of words that were readable, Rachel guessed that Tom was wondering how she could watch a musical when she had lost her hearing. He still appeared to be genuinely confused and a little shocked.

She reached out and placed a hand on his forearm. "Tom, maybe we should take a little time so I can explain. But I think here in front of the restrooms is not the best place," she smiled.

Out of the corner of her eyes, she saw someone approaching and was relieved to notice that it was Quinn. Her girlfriend quickly sized up the guy next to her and asked with her hands:

_Are you ok?_

"Yes, I'm ... fine. Quinn, this is Tom, a colleague from the first musical I played in. I met him shortly when we visited you at the theater last Saturday. Tom, this is Quinn, my girlfriend." Another revelation the poor guy had to digest.

"She plays the part of Minette."

Quinn gracefully extended her hand and introduced herself. "Nice to meet you."

When it was Tom's turn, Quinn interpreted for Rachel.

"I'm Tom, nice to meet you. I really liked your performace in Bohemiens."

"Thank you." Quinn smiled modestly.

Tom's gaze skipped from Quinn's hands to Rachel and back.

"I … have to admit, I am a little shocked at what Rachel just told me. And I am ….um…" he let out a long breath, wiping his hand over his face. "I need a moment to digest this. Please excuse me." He looked at Quinn and shortly nodded at Rachel before he walked off in the direction of his table.

Rachel followed him with her eyes. "Uh, that went well," she then muttered under her breath.

_You ok_? Quinn wanted to know with a concerned look.

Rachel nodded. "Yeah. I'll go back to our table."

_I'm quickly going to use the restroom, ok? _After quickly placing a kiss on her girlfriend's lip the blonde dashed off through the door with the lady's sign.

Rachel made her way back to her seat. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed where Tom was sitting with another friend. He lifted his head when she passed by, but did not say anything. As she sat down again Rachel found Kurt and Santana involved in an animated discussion. Rachel did not bother to ask what they were talking about, as her dessert was already waiting for her and she absolutely loved the vegan mousse au chocolate they served at this place. It deserved her total attention.

She was surprised when halfway through someone tapped her on the shoulder. It made her almost drop her spoon in the process. Quinn had come back in the meantime and was also sitting with her back to the direction the person was coming from so she had not been able to warn her girlfriend.

"Sorry," A guilty look crossed Tom's face as he apologized.

Rachel was surprised to see him. He held out a small piece of paper, which she cautiously took.

_I am sorry I reacted so insensibly. Do you think we could maybe meet with one of your friends who can translate at the bar for a drink later and you can explain to me what happened?_

Rachel quickly looked from the paper to Quinn and back to Tom. Then she nodded.

"Sure. In about half an hour? Would that be ok?"

He looked at his watch and nodded. Then he flinched slightly and looked over his shoulder as someone behind him had dropped a spoon and it clattered onto the plate and from there to the floor with a loud noise. Rachel followed his gaze, and then watched a slightly angry woman trying to rub a soup stain out of her husband's tie. At noticing that he had an audience the man quickyl pulled his tie out of his wife's grasp and smoothed it down over his shirt with his hands, looking a little embarrassed.

Rachel exchanged a quick look with Tom and both had to smile at the scene.

Tom then pointed at the bar with his finger.

"Ok. See you there," Rachel smiled, hoping again that she had adjusted the volume of her voice right so he understood her.

Turning back to Quinn, she pushed the paper over so she could read it and asked almost shyly: "Would you come with me and help me interpret if it is not too much?"

"Sure, Rachel. You don't have to ask! It was nice of him to come back." Quinn answered and signed again at the same time.

"Who was that?" Kurt wanted to know. "He looks yummy, actually."

Santana rolled her eyes. "Kurt, get a grip on yourself, you're getting married soon!"

"So? Who says I can't at least look?"

"Oh that reminds me," Quinn quipped, "Kurt, have you already chosen your music?" the question earned her a soft kick in the calf from her beloved other half who sternly looked at her from the side. Quinn just turned and raised an eyebrow with a look that said, _don't worry, I got this._

Kurt smiled knowingly and looked at Rachel. "Yes I have. But it will stay a secret until the very day!" then he finger-spelled the word _s-e-c-r-e-t_- again in Rachel's direction.

_Jesus, Kurt, I got you the first time and I am not saying anything. Believe me. Even though my dearest girlfriend has already tortured me to squeeze the information out of me, _Rachel signed back slightly annoyed and threw a glance at Quinn with her last admission.

_Have not. _Quinn answered.

_You have too, _Rachel insisted while Kurt translated for Santana.

"Ok, cut it out, you two! Kurt, I knew since I saw you the first time that your secret wedding song is Barry White's _You're my first, My Last, My Everyone_," Santana stated flatly with a roll of her eyes.

Kurt's jaw fell and Rachel had to bit her cheek in order to not laugh out loud while Quinn elbowed her in the ribs not very softly.

"Ouch, what was that for?" Rachel asked, trying to adjust her voice to the louder surroundings, as her hand was busy rubbing the sore spot.

"You lied to me! You blatantly lied to me!" Quinn was offended as she moved her hands through the air.

"When did I lie to you?" Rachel wanted to know, still covering her rib with one of her hands.

"On the subway! I suggested this song as one of my first, but you said no, I was way off!" Quinn huffed.

"What? You guessed it, too?" Kurt asked, bewildered.

Rachel felt a little guilty after Quinn's comment, and did not noticed Kurt's astonished exclamation. "I promised Kurt that I would not tell. What was I supposed to do?" She tried to explain her girlfriend.

Quinn was still a little offended. "Tell me and then pretend that you never said anything," she delivered signing and speaking again at the same time.

"But then I would have broken my promise!" Rachel exclaimed, letting go of her still smarting ribs.

"No no no, telling your girlfriend such utterly important news is not breaking a promise. It is an important necessity in life," Quinn answered, now having a smile playing around her lips. She rested her hands in her lap as Rachel just rolled her eyes at her indisputable logic.

Kurt waved his hands to get the two women's attention. When they looked at him he signed and hurtfully stated:

"Excuse me for cutting in, but this is about _my_ wedding. So I don't care who the hell told whom what or who didn't. If either of you three," and he looked each of the women in the eye, "tells anyone else about this, most of all Blaine, I will personally end your lives. Is that clear?" He looked again at the three, then added, signing as well again:

"And Santana, I always admired your people-sense, but this is outright creepy. Don't ever go guessing anything about me again." He looked at Rachel and Quinn, pointing his index finger back and for the between them. "Why you also guessed this, is beyond me."

The Latina spread her arms. "Fine. Though your life would be so much easier if I told you a thing or two about yourself, Mr. Hummel."

"Thanks for the offer, but no thanks. Rachel, just in case your girlfriend should deny helping you out with that nice looking fellow because you did not want to break your promise - which I greatly appreciate - I'd be happy to help out." Then he muttered under his breath. "Can't believe all of you guessed my go to wedding song. Can't believe I am _that_ predictable."

"Why don't we all move over to the bar? I could get out of this noise pit for a while and it might be at least a bit quieter at the bar." Santana suggested and threw a smirk in Kurt's direction, having heard what he had mumbled.

"Good idea." _You ok with relocating to the bar?_ Quinn asked Rachel in ASL.

_Sure. _Rachel agreed with her now free hands again.

They waved at one of the waiters, telling him that they would like re-locate to the bar so he could run the orders from there also on their tab.

_How do you want to do it? Shall I interpret or would you like Kurt to do it? _Quinn asked before they rose.

"Hm." Rachel got up and answered signing: _Maybe I'll just ask Tom if he would be all right to write his part of the conversation down. Than I don't have to bother either of you._

_Rachel, this is no bother! _Quinn answered vehemently, making her point while they walked down in the direction of the bar.

_Ok. I get it. But it is still hard for me to ask for help. It always costs me quite an effort to do so. And to accept it. _The petite woman_ s_igned back, not wanting to get into a verbal argument in the middle of the restaurant with others overhearing. Then again, their signing caught even more of the attention of some of the guests and Rachel hurried towards the bar.

They found a high table a little to the side where the room shaped into the short end of an L. This helped in regards to the noise, it was quieter in there.

Rachel could not remember how the acoustics there were, she had not been at the bar area before. "How is the noise level here? Is it better?" she asked Quinn in a low voice.

_Yes, you can at least hear what the other person is saying here. I don't know how the waiters can stand it all night long._

"Well, I guess since they are moving around it won't be as bad as staying at one point all the time."

As Rachel sat with her back to the bar and the restaurant in her view, she noticed Tom's approach and smiled at him.

"Hi, Tom." Rachel quickly introduced him to the rest of her friends.

"Quinn, nice to see you again. I'm sorry I reacted so gruffly when we met earlier. I was really impressed by your performance the other day, by the way."

Rachel noticed how Kurt hung on Tom's lips and was hardly able to sign while he and Quinn shortly exchanged pleasantries. She tapped him on the arm and signed as well.

_Kurt, focus!_

_I am! I am!_

_Right, on the abs he is hiding below his shirt or what? You just told me he had nice hips. Not sure if that was intended and I don't think Quinn complimented him on that._

Her friend looked a little embarrassed.

_No. Sorry. Anyway, he was commenting your girlfriend's performanc and asked her for her favorite scene. And she just answered him that she enjoyed the market scenes the most, because of the interaction between all the different characters. _

"Thank you, Kurt."

This was one of the moments that Rachel hated. She did not want to have to ask her friends for help. Especially not if they had better things to do, like stare at other people and get a dreamy look on their faces. Besides, Kurt and Quinn had been interpreting for her the whole evening. She could not ask them to continue doing it and felt shy about it all of a sudden. Quinn seemed to notice the unease on Rachel's face as she turned her attention back to her girlfriend and made a suggestion.

_How about you and Tom take a quiet table and I'll join you in a while? This way, you two can talk in private first and maybe I can help out interpreting later if you need me at all. Would that be ok for you?_

Rachel smiled gratefully. _Yes. Good idea._ Then she turned to her other friends.

"If you will excuse us, Tom and I have some catching up to do." She hopped off the bar stool and settled with Tom on the table next to them.

"I hope this is ok for you. Quinn will join us in a little while to help interpret. Until then, maybe you can help me by either speaking clearly and not so fast, using short sentences or writing down what you want to say."

Tom nodded. "Can you read lips?" He then asked, looking at her directly, pointing towards his mouth while he posed the question.

Rachel nodded. "Yes. A little bit. I'm still learning."

Tom studied her for a moment. "So what happened? I still don't understand and I have to wrap my mind around it."

Rachel felt the unease rise in her. She had understood the first part, but the second was already lost to her. She hated it if she had to ask for someone to repeat what they were saying. It made her feel stupid and awkward. She knew she should not feel like that, but she just could not help it.

"You asked what happened?" She clarified. When Tom inclined his head, she told him about the accident, the time afterwards and what her prognosis was.

He was clearly shocked. Tom took up a pen and let it hover over the paper for a moment.

Rachel was grateful that he considered to write his comments. This would make it easier to understand for her.

_Rachel, I honestly don't know what to say. I can't imagine you not being on stage. I can't imagine you not being able to sing. I know I should not say that, but that's how I feel.  
What will you do now? Do you have any plans for the future? Well, maybe it is too early yet. And sorry for prying. _

"It's ok. No, I have no concrete plans yet. I just wish…" she stopped herself, feeling self-conscious voicing her inner most dream to an almost stranger. Well, not a real stranger but someone she was not really close with.

He curiously looked at her. "What?" And the friendly and encouraging smile helped Rachel to push her thoughts out.

"I just wish I could still act, if not sing anymore. I'd love to stay in the business," she then shyly admitted and looked at her hands.

Tom contemplated this for a while. He could see the urge that lay behind the words, and knowing where Rachel was coming from, he could more than understand this wish. But he also saw the restrictions and boundaries that would make this a very tough road to travel for his ex-colleague. Not because of her own reasons, but because of the obstacles that the whole business world would throw into her path. Most of them would probably not even consider her situation at least for a second. Simply speaking, it would just complicate things too much if people, be it directors, co-actors, producers, did not want to be bothered and did not see the benefit behind it.

God, he hated this. He hated that so often any piece of individuality was stripped away until you were fitted into someone's expectations. If you did not fit or did not want to be molded into the perfect image of someone else's idea, another actor or singer would certainly slip into the Cinderella shoe and somehow make it fit, no matter if it belonged to them or not.

He felt Rachel's hand on his forearm and the gentle touch pulled him back into reality.

"What's the long face for?" She inquired. "I know my wish is crazy. And I know it's not likely to ever turn it into reality. I know I had my voice as the ticket to Broadway, but I don't have _anything_ now."

_No, that's not what I was thinking. Just having some thoughts on the general business ethics._

"Hm. General business ethics? That doesn't sound enthusiastic. What do you do now? Are you working on _Bohemians_ as well?"

Again he wrote his answer down, understanding the difficulty of having to read a long explanation from his lips._ No. I am currently in between engagements. I got an offer for Bohemians. I heard the lead who plays Antoine might leave, but I don't feel like I want to be pressed into that schedule again. I have some ideas of my own. I'd like to push my own projects. _

"Oh, that sounds interesting. Care to tell me what kind of ideas you have?" Rachel was curious as to how someone would deny the offer of a lead role in a play on Broadway, besides having the most gorgeous woman on earth playing the counterpart.

_Well, I'm just rolling some ideas around in my head. I've nothing concrete yet. But when they shape up, I'd like to run them by you, if you're willing to be my sparring partner. I have always liked your ideas in _A tale to tell_ on how to improve some of the scenes we were in together. Maybe you can help me out. If that's not too much to ask._

Tom turned the paper and closely watched Rachel as she read his words. It was clearly nothing she had expected and the astonished look on her face said as much.

He chuckled. "Surprised?" He then simply asked.

"Yeah, you could say that! Declining the lead role in a great play on Broadway, wow, these must be some big ideas you have." She paused for a moment and watched her ex-colleague nod. "But I would very much like to give you my opinion on your ideas, if you think I can be of help," she then offered with a genuine smile.

Tom's face lit up at her words. "Wow, thanks, that's great! Really, it means a lot to me! 'Cause I want someone who is fresh, who is not stuck in this business too long, someone who still knows a bit how things are done but who dares to look at things from a different angle…"

"Tom, please stop. Not so fast. You lost me way back there." Rachel interrupted him.

He took up the pen.

_Sorry. Hearing you answer me always tempts me to answer right back. It is hard to believe you cannot hear me if you keep speaking to me. _

He then wrote down what he had told her before.

Rachel shortly contemplated his first sentence. Interesting. That was in a way what Sharon had accused her of. Apparently being able to speak, but not being able to hear did not seem to fit in people's minds. On one hand, she was lucky to still be able to articulate herself so well, but on the other hand it seemed to make it so much more difficult for people to understand that she could not hear. She focused back onto his second explanation and was genuinely pleased that he would like her opinion.

"Great, I'm looking forward to hearing what you are planning!" She noticed him looking behind her and turned. Quinn came over and placed a hand on the small of her back before she spoke and signed at the same time.

"You two doing ok?"

Rachel nodded. "Can I tell her? About the role, I mean," she then asked Tom.

"Sure," he shrugged.

"Tell me what?" Quinn was curiously looking from Tom to Rachel.

"He might have become your new partner on stage. He had been offered the role of Antoine."

"Oh really? But why _might_?"

Tom decided to explain, and actually regretted that he had turned down the offer a little, now that he had gotten to know Quinn in person. He had seen pictures before and had also seen her perform on stage, but it was different seeing her up close and realizing that she was actually a very nice person.

While he spoke, he was fascinated while watching her transform his words into signs for Rachel.

Once Rachel signed back in what seemed like a question to clarify something. It was quite intriguing to watch how their hands moved through the air and how their different shapes and positions could deliver a complete conversation.

Still, he figured, Rachel must miss a lot of things. He tried to imagine how it must feel to be in this restaurant without hearing all the background noises and failed miserably.

He was startled out of his thoughts when Quinn waved her hand in front of him.

"Hey, where did we lose you to?"

Tom smiled apologetically. "Sorry, lost in thoughts."

"Yeah, I saw that," Quinn laughed. Then she turned towards Rachel. "You want something else to drink or are you ok if we get the check?"

"No, I'm fine, you?" She looked at the other guy.

"No, I'm good. I should probably head home too. Need to walk my dog. She is probably already waiting for me."

"Oh, you still got the Australian Shepherd? What was her name? Nellie?" He nodded and Rachel's smiled widened. "Aw, she is so cute and so beautiful, Quinn. All gray and white with really stunning light blue eyes. She's so shy, it took her a while to not be afraid of me. But after some time she trusted me and let me pet and cuddle her. Tom used to bring her to the theater. I sometimes wondered how she still had fur on her from all the petting she received from all us actors."

Quinn chuckled. "I wish I had a dog too. But it would not be fair to drag it all across town with my schedule," she sighed. "Anyway, I'll get the check. It was nice talking to you Tom, and if you change your mind about the role, you would be very welcome," she graciously offered with a dazzling smile. With a small kiss on Rachel's cheek, she got back to her friends to settle the tab.

_Wow, you are one lucky woman. Next time, tell me how you managed to snatch her off the market,_ Tom commented on the sheet.

Rachel laughed. "Oh god, that is a looooong story."

_Good, I like stories. Next time, you're on! _And he playfully held the pen and paper up in a pose, ready to start taking notes.

"Hey, don't turn it into a musical, promise!" Rachel teased.

_Who knows, if it's a good story it might sell,_ he grinned and was rewarded with a small slap on his arm for that comment.

"Creep. Don't even think about it. See that Latina behind us?

_The one that is watching us with that look on her face who was with you at the theater the other night? She your bodyguard or something? _He joked.

"Ha! That's a good one! Anyway, she _is_ kind of protective of me, so is Quinn, so you better watch it!" Rachel answered, still smiling.

Tom looked at her speculatively. _And why would that be? Any particular reason or just because of what happened to you?_

Rachel sobered. "Uh, well, maybe a bit of both." She did not want to tell him about Sharon, not wanting to give that woman any more airtime in her life. Though she wondered if they were going to see any more pictures of themselves online the next day. Noticing her friends were getting the waiter to grab their jackets, she slowly slipped off the bar stool and stood next to the table with one hand lightly resting on the surface.

"Tom, it was nice seeing you again. And thank you for finding the courage to come back." She smiled.

The handsome guy bent down and gave her a light hug.

"Thank you for letting me know about what made you react that way on Saturday. Let us keep in touch, ok?"

Kurt had stepped up with Rachel's coat and noticed Rachel's questioning expression. He quickly signed Tom's answer, earning himself a small thanks and a grateful look from his friend. She wished she was better at reading lips that at least such small exchanges would not have to be translated for her.

"Wait, I'll give you my e-mail address so we can stay in contact." Tom quickly scribbled it on a napkin and handed it to Rachel. "Have a nice evening!"

"See you," Rachel answered and followed her friends, who had pointed towards the door and had already started making their way towards the exit.

Rachel hurried after them, when someone pulled at her coat as she passed a table.

She stopped and looked around. It was another one of her former cast members from _Funny Girl._ Rachel froze, quickly looking how far her friends were. Quinn turned shortly before the door to check where her girlfriend was. Seeing her in the somewhat compromising situation made her turn around and come back.

Noticing her approach, Rachel let out a relieved sigh and turned towards the other woman at the table, who had stood up already.

"Hi Anna, how are you? Good to see you," she quickly mustered with a smile as she hugged her, noticing the curious look from the man that sat with her at the table.

Anna pulled back and let her look wander between Rachel and Quinn. Resting her eyes on Rachel, she said something and Quinn waited until she saw Rachel silently asking for a translation before she interpreted the words.

"Rachel, good to see you. I … noticed you before, sitting on the other table. I … um, am just glad to see you again! I heard about your accident and I was wondering… well, maybe you'd like to meet so we could talk a little more in private." She sensed that Rachel was not comfortable standing in the middle of the restaurant, being exposed to the rest of the tenants.

Rachel nodded. "Sorry that I have been so reclusive over the past few months. But as you can guess it has not been really easy for me. But I promise I will write to you." She sent a genuine smile at her former co-star.

"That would be nice. It was good seeing you gain, Rachel. I really mean it." And she bent forward to give Rachel another hug before the petite woman waved and moved away.

Outside, she let out a long breath. Then she tugged at Quinn's sleeve. "Thank you for coming back. I had no idea how to react, standing there in the middle of the restaurant."

Quinn slung an arm around her shoulders and pulled her girlfriend close, placing a kiss on the top of her head.

Kurt turned to her smiling. _So, how did you survive the evening? _He asked her silently_._

"Ok, I guess. It was harder than I thought, but still, I got to meet two old colleagues and that turned out to be quite nice, besides having a nice evening with you three." She glanced around. "Thank you for doing this and sacrificing your evening for me."

"Come on, Berry, that is what friends are for! Besides, enjoying nice food while spending an evening with friends is hardly a sacrifice," Santana retorted.

"Right," Kurt agreed. "Well ladies, let's get us all home."

They hugged Kurt goodbye, who had a slightly thoughtful expression on his face. He hailed the first cab that passed, offering it to the ladies. But they waved him off, opting to take the next one.

"Can't have you standing on the street all by yourself, Kurt. Wouldn't feel right us being three and you are alone," Rachel teased.

Kurt quickly raised his hands to sign and called back:

"Well, as they say, "ladies first"!" And he slid into the car. Rachel and Quinn's laughter followed him while he only heard a snort from Santana.

When the next yellow taxi stopped, Santana courteously held the door for her friends. "Well, if the lady already left, then it leaves us being the gentlemen, I guess." And she waved Quinn and Rachel inside, scooting in last.

During the drive home Santana pulled out her phone and checked her messages.

"Fuck," she groaned. "Of course that creep had to schedule another lesson tomorrow morning."

She watched Quinn interpret, then she looked at Rachel who sat in the middle.

"Did she also translate "fuck"? The Latina then asked curiously.

Rachel managed to read the last two words from her lips despite the dim light and laughed. "Yes, she did, Santana."

"Cool." That also did not need a translation.

"Why?"

"It would be so cool if I could swear at that stupid asshole and he had no idea of what I was saying to him," she explained, refering to her client they had discussed over dinner, who had asked for an extra training hour very early the next day. She waited until Quinn had interpreted and when she showed Rachel the text message she had received earlier, the petite woman understood the comment.

Santana typed some words into her phone. Quinn looked over the brunette's shoulder to read what her friend had written.

_Rachel, you've got to teach me sign language, at least the swear words, please!_

Rachel chuckled. "Oh, just so you can insult other people without them knowing? Where's the fun in that?"

Santana looked sheepishly at her and typed her response again.

_Well, no, not just because of that. It would be kinda nice to talk to you without having someone to interpret all the time,_ she admitted.  
_Though the other reason is of course not less important!_

"Of course not!" Rachel stated with a smirk, but was secretly pleased about Santana's willingness to learn sign language. They agreed to find a regular schedule that would fit Santana's busy working hours.

Quinn suggested she contacted Carmen as well, but Santana preferred to learn the basics from Rachel first.

Whichever way, the blond was glad that her friend had decided to learn to sign in order to communicate better and more directly with Rachel. Quinn knew that the original motivation - to learn swear words - was just typical Santana fashion, not wanting to come across as too soft and show directly how much she cared about Rachel and their friendship.

... ... ...

At home, all three women got ready for bed quickly.

Quinn lay facing Rachel and gazed into her beautiful, large brown eyes. Before she could say anything, Rachel spoke softly.

"What is on your mind?"

Slowly Quinn lifted her hands.

_I just wanted to know how you are feeling. I know I keep asking that a lot lately, but I was really short of taking you home today when I noticed you panicking at the restaurant. I wish I could make all of this easier for you. I feel so useless sometimes. I feel like I'm not doing enough, I'm not supporting you enough, I'm not protecting you enough, I'm not…" _despite herself she felt tears trailing down her face._ "I always feel like I fail you in these situations," _she managed before Rachel gently placed two fingers on Quinn's lips in a symbolic gesture to still the stream of words she was forming with her hands.

"It's ok, Quinn, shhhh. Come here," and she pulled her girlfriend closer to wrap her arms around her in a protective embrace. Rachel had not realized under how much pressure Quinn put herself just to accommodate her, to try and make her feel comfortable in all these situations.

"Don't do this to yourself, Quinn. Please stop this. Don't ever – _ever_ – doubt yourself. Don't ever think that you are not supporting me enough or that you are failing me! I don't know where that thought is coming from." She felt Quinn press herself harder into her embrace.

Then it dawned on Rachel that the whole situation with her being deaf must have taken a greater toll on Quinn than she had originally thought. They had talked about how it had influenced her in several aspects before. Just as Rachel had to go through the whole process and experiences, Quinn had to do the same, even though she experienced it from a different angle. But Rachel had thought that by now it would have become much easier for Quinn. She was surprised that apparently her girlfriend had to learn to deal with these situations just as much as she had to and nothing was less important or less difficult to go through for Quinn.

"Quinn, I am sorry that I underestimated how much this also costs you to go through with me. I guess I didn't realize that even though I'm the one who can't hear, it still affects you to a great extent as well."

_I just wish, I wished… if I could, I would give you my hearing. I really would!_ Quinn answered with emphasis before she leaned into Rachel again.

The petite woman raked her fingers through the blond locks, letting the words sink in. Softly she asked: "Do you _still_ feel guilty?"

First, there was no reaction. Quinn had buried her head at Rachel's chest, pressing her hot, wet face against the soft fabric of her girlfriend's pajama top. Then the brunette felt her head nod against her body.

Softly Rachel pulled Quinn's head back to look her in the eyes. "Why Quinn? Why on god's earth do you feel guilty for being able to hear? I told you before that this is not helping either of us. Remember? After we danced to that German song I showed you." Quinn moved her head slowly up and down. Of course she remembered. When Rachel found the hazel eyes again, she added "You did not cause my accident; neither did you cause all these things I'm going through!"

_But I did! Because of me, you landed in that stupid subway. Because of me, Santana dragged you into the theater. Because of me …_

"Quinn, stop it now!" Rachel demanded adamantly. "What makes you believe that, honey? Please don't think you're still that person you were in high school, causing all these unpleasant situations for me. You are not that Quinn anymore!"

_But I still feel like that sometimes. I see you suffer and somehow I think it's because of me._

Rachel opened her mouth and closed it again. It astonished and hurt her to see how much Quinn was still hurting from her own behaviour in the past. It wasn't just that Quinn felt guilty for still being able to hear. The whole guilt feeling also tied back to the time in high school and at that moment Rachel understood.

Quinn just felt the same, because again she was in a more favorable situation compared to Rachel. Had she been the Queen Bee at McKinley, admired by everyone, always the center of attention. Rachel had been the outcast, often made fun of and had been the Slushie target more times than she could count. Again, now Quinn had everything. While she was the star on Broadway living a dream life, Rachel had to give up everything she once loved, being the outcast again after having fought so hard for her dream to come true.

Rachel closed her eyes as this realization hit her and whispered "Oh my god." She pressed Quinn against her and held her for a long moment. "Quinn, don't hate the person you have become now. I have told you before, that is not who I see when I look at you. Please, don't see yourself that way either, Quinn."

Rachel gently placed a kiss on the top of Quinn's head and then looked at her. When she noticed that her words had not quite convinced her, she tried to explain it in a different way while Quinn pressed her face again against Rachel's chest for comfort once more.

"Just because I have to face all these situations that are so hard to go through for me, does not mean that you have to feel guilty for being one of those people who can still go through life normally. And please stop comparing our situation now to the one at high school, …" at that Quinn's head jerked up. Rachel seemed to have struck a chord and she continued talking. "…it will not help me getting my hearing back. But you being there in those situations, supporting me, loving me and accepting me and my limitations helps me immensely, Quinn."

Rachel searched her lover's face before she continued softly:

"I'm sorry if I haven't told you more often how much you mean to me, how much your support means to me, how much it helps me to get through each day. Every time I feel like I get jitters when I'm thinking about facing a new situation, it helps to know that I am not alone. That there is always someone who stands by me and who I can talk to. I know I am rambling, but I have not finished," Rachel stated and felt a small chuckle against her body from Quinn.

_There comes the old Rachel_, Quinn smiled bravely. _I missed her a bit, I have to say,_ she then added.

Rachel emitted a small laugh, but did not let herself be deterred from what she wanted to say.

"I'm sorry for not realizing how much all this must cost you. It must drain you almost as much as it drains me. But please don't suck it all up. Talk to me. Tell me. Let me know how you feel, even if you think it might hurt me. But I don't want you to suffer in silence on my behalf. This is not your burden to carry. Don't bottle everything up until it becomes too hard to bear."

She placed a tender kiss on Quinn's lips, wiping the teas away that had begun to fall again.

"Promise me to talk about this in the future right away? Promise me to not swallow things out of false pride?" Rachel asked with an intense look in her eyes.

The blonde had no choice other than to meet her gaze. She felt all the care and earnestness behind Rachel's words.

Quinn had indeed felt guilty. She did not know how to voice that feeling, but Rachel had given it the appropriate name.

The blonde woman felt very guilty to still be able to hear, to do her job and to enjoy her life, while the most basic things had become an obstacle for Rachel. There were so many situations she had to learn to deal with in a different way.

Loving someone as much as she loved Rachel made it hard to having to watch her struggle, not being able to do anything to help. At least it felt that way.

But hearing that whatever she was doing did help Rachel relieved Quinn immensely. It did not completely lift the guilt factor. Maybe that would happen over time, but at least it made it a bit easier to carry.

She bravely managed a shaky smile and nodded against Rachel's hands that still cupped her face.

"Ok. I'll try," she sniffed, easing herself into the embrace again, feeling secure and loved with Rachel's arms around her. Snuggling closer, she pressed one side of her face against Rachel's chest and succumbed to the soothing strokes of her lover's hands on her back, giving in to the waves of sleep that washed over her.

Her last thought was that it was funny how they so often seemed to reverse their roles. It was Rachel who had needed some comforting and support the other night, now it was her who drew strength and comfort from her girlfriend.

It was a perfect balance, Quinn realized as she drifted off.


	33. Chapter 33

**Glee disclaimer, as always.**

******Many thanks to my beta-reader Nicole! Check out her story For Always!**

**I know I am taking a leeway here with my actors' performance schedules. Forgive me for not keeping them in a straight eight-shows-a-week "corset". That would make it really difficult for them to actually _have_ the interaction they have in this story. **

**I was so happy about your reviews, thanks so much! Glad you liked Santana finally wanting to learn to sign... for whatever reason :-)**

**Sooooo... on we go.**

**This is my favorite chapter by far, I have to admit. I absolutely loved writing it! Hope you'll like it too...  
**

* * *

**Chapter 33**

Interestingly enough, over the next days there was no news about Quinn or Rachel in the tabloids. The brunette knew Quinn was wondering what Sharon Basont might be cooking up behind their backs as she found it weird to see no reaction from her on their dinner. Rachel just stuck to the saying "no news is good news" as she had more pressing things to worry about.

As Christmas drew nearer, she mused over what present to buy for Quinn. She wanted it to be something very personal, something special and meaningful. Most of the ideas she came up with, she discarded immediately as too mainstream, too boring and non-descriptive. It needed to be unique, showing how much she loved Quinn.

There was one idea rummaging around her brain. It had not taken shape yet, but it kept buzzing around like a fly. But after receiving the news that there was no healing progress from her specialist some weeks ago, she better tackled this idea sooner than later as the longer she waited the probability it would turn out good would lessen. Maybe she could discuss it with Kurt.

She and Kurt had planned to meet again the upcoming Sunday evening. Quinn had an extra evening show, Blaine would probably be at the theater and Kurt's play had a matinee show scheduled. So he was free later that day.

On Saturday, Rachel and Kurt quickly exchanged text messages to agree on the time and location.

When Sunday came around, Rachel was bundled up in a thick dark purple wool coat over her jeans and black turtleneck, heavy, warm biker-style boots and a knitted bonnet. Wrapping a woolen scarf around her neck, she was ready to brace the cold New Yorker December evening. The clouds were heavy and dark gray. A nasty wind chased them across the sky and Rachel hoped that it would not start snowing yet.

Then again she loved snow; it gave everything such a beautiful atmosphere when it was fresh and untouched in its white fluffy state. She had always loved to be the first one out after it had snowed through the night. The soft scrunching sound of her shoes on the white cover had always been her favorite part of winter. She hoped to get Quinn for an early morning walk through the park once the first flakes had drifted to the ground.

Checking her bag to make sure she had everything, she pulled the apartment door close behind her, locked it and quickly walked down the stairs.

Her stomach churned when she was about to enter the nearest subway station. It was the first time she had decided to use the train again. All other times she had preferred a cab whenever she was traveling between her and Quinn's place. However, that had to stop if she did not want to spend all her money on the yellow cars. Besides, how likely was it that the situation she had been through with Quinn would happen again while she was on the train?

So she kept placing one foot in front of the other until she stood on the platform and bravely stepped through the doors as the subway arrived.

After having found a seat, she quickly texted Kurt hoping her messages would get though. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it did not when sitting in the subway. Just like they had had no reception when they had been stuck in that tunnel.

_Dear Mr. Hummel Jr., I will grace you with my wonderful presence  
in about half an hour. I hope the red carpet is rolled out and the  
champagne is waiting.  
Yours, Rachel Berry_

Rachel willed the message to got through and had no time to drop her phone into her bag because luckily an answer came back quickly.

_Dear Ms Berry, it will be an honor to receive you in my  
humble quarters. My butler will await you with your requested  
champagne. I sincerely hope you are dressed the part.  
Otherwise I must refuse entrance.  
K.H. Jr.  
_

Rachel looked down on herself and contemplated her choice of clothing. Well, on a real red carpet event she would not even be allowed to enter the limo. She chuckled and sent a retort back.

_Kind sir, it is good to know you explicitly wrote "casual"  
as dress code on the invitation. So, yes, I will meet your  
requirements!_

The phone lit up almost immediately with Kurt's retort.

_Damn! Gotta go and re-dress.  
Just a short tip: Always read your own invitations again  
before the start of an event…  
Shoot, what to wear, what to wear…?_

Rachel had to laugh. She could imagine Kurt standing in front of his wardrobe with a slightly panicky look on his face, trying to pick out the best outfit for the occasion.

_Oh, wow Kurt, you call our 'date' an event?  
That sounds exciting. What have you planned?_

Curious she waited for an answer.

_We had a little wine tasting at Vogue the other day.  
Thought we might also try some… see you in a couple of minutes.  
Really, I have to get dressed. Again…._

Rachel chuckled.

_My god Kurt, don't tell me you are sitting there texting me  
all naked. Don't know if I should be offended or delighted._

_Ms Berry, get a grip on yourself. I am neither naked nor do  
I plan to be. At least not when you're around.  
_  
A wide grin spread across Rachel's face as she typed her response._  
_

_Oh, so we will not play strip poker, I take it. Too bad. 'Cause  
I remember last time we played, I literally stripped you to the  
bone, haha!  
_

Kurts answer to that was not very courteous.

_Shut up. And get here._

Rachel could not stop laughing, not caring about curious looks the other passengers were throwing her.

Before her accident, she had met with Kurt one evening and he had taught her how to play poker. She did not know if it was beginners luck or if she had a talent for the game, however, before the end of the evening, Kurt was sitting at the kitchen table with his boxers and just one sock, while Rachel still wore most of her clothes.

The result had not gone down well with Kurt and he absolutely hated to be reminded of it.

Finally knocking on the door, she wondered briefly what her friend was going to wear. The heavy sliding door was pushed open and it revealed a smiling Kurt, holding a small silver tray with two tall and slender glasses filled with a golden colored liquid.

"Mmm, I missed the red carpet, but at least the champagne is here," Rachel smiled and took in Kurt's outfit. He wore a pair of black jeans and a dark gray sweater on which he had pinned six playing cards down the front, three in one row on the left and three in another row on the right side.

"Oh my god. Just to let you know, if we should play strip poker, these playing cards on your sweater don't count as extra clothes! And no cheating with them either!"

Kurt raised his hands to answer after having deposited the tray on a small table next to the door.

_My house, my rules. But no, I am not planning on playing poker with you. Ever. Again. Hello Rachel, nice to see you!_

And he gave the petite woman a hearty hug which she answered by slinging her arms around his back, pressing him against her.

"Hi Kurt, so happy to see you!"

They both stepped inside and Rachel pulled the door close behind her. Just like last time, the apartment was brightly lit. Kurt picked up the tray and hurried over to the stove where something was cooking. Placing the tray on the kitchen table, he turned towards the food.

_Sorry, got to check the pasta. Make yourself comfortable, we'll toast in a second, _he told Rachel.

The brunette ambled over to the kitchen table, draped her coat over the back of one of the chairs and then sneaked a peek at the pots.

"Hmmmm, smells good." She stated after having inspected the sauce that simmered in the back. "What's in there?"

_Tomatoes, basil, rosemary, olives and some garlic. Just a tiny bit, though. _Kurt turned around and plucked the two glasses from the table and handed one to Rachel.

"To us!" He toasted without signing, as he held a glass in one hand, but Rachel understood the two words just fine by having read his lips.

"To our friendship," she added and clinked her glass against his. They both took a sip and Kurt turned back to their dinner, placing the glass next to the stove. Rachel watched him and noticed how he tapped his foot in a certain rhythm.

She looked around and saw that the stereo on the shelf was turned on. She walked over and took the CD case that lay on top of it. Lindsay Sterling was the name she read on the cover and it showed a girl with a violin. Classic music? Turning it around, she read the titles, but none of them sounded like the classic pieces she knew.

Then she remembered that Kurt had showed her some of her music before. It was kind of a classic cross over, the tracks were a mixture of classical, pop, hip-hop, dance, trance and rock with electronic influences. She had liked it. It was something new and different.

"Are you listening to this?" Rachel asked, waving the case in Kurt's direction.

He looked over. Seeing what she held in her hands, he nodded. Rachel placed the case back on the stereo. Half turning to go back to the kitchen area, her eyes caught onto the CD pile that lay next to the stereo. She stopped in her tracks. It was a natural impulse to just reach over and sift through the music, thinking about what would be nice to listen to during dinner. It surprised her that she still had this kind of automatic notions even after so many months. She released a breath she had not noticed she was holding.

Looking up, she saw Kurt wander over. Standing next to her, he then bent over and switched off the stereo.

"What did you do that for?" Rachel eyed him curiously. "It's not like I can complain about the music. And I don't mind you listening to it."

He shrugged and smiled. _Same rules for everyone. And can I please ask you to step away and keep your distance from my good old music machine and shiny discs?_

"What? You are still not letting anyone touch your stereo and CD collection? Come on Kurt, this thing is ancient and CDs are actually almost unbreakable. Besides, I have lived practically right _next_ to that old thing for years!"

Rachel rolled her eyes at him. He had had this stereo for years, it was really old, but apparently it held a great sentimental value for him to be so picky about it. Not many people were allowed to touch it. He also had his extensive music collection sorted in a strange Kurt-ish order that no one could follow and he had always been adament that nobody disturbed that. But the pile Rachel had looked at was a random mix of CDs that he apparently had listened to recently and they were not even sorted like the rest of his collection.

A mischievous grin played on her lips. From where she stood, she could reach some of the slim plastic boxes that _were_ sorted and correctly lined up on the shelf on the other side of the stereo. Teasingly, she stretched out her hand and let her fingers wander over the slender backs of the cases, not taking her eyes off Kurt to watch his reaction, which came promptly.

_You haven't learned in all these years, have you Rachel? _

"Not sure what you are talking about," she stated, faking innocence with a slight smile.

_Yes you do and if you want to survive this evening, you better take your little hands off my life's music collection and move to safer ground. Say, the kitchen. Set the table. Do something useful. _

Rachel could not bring herself to move. She had no idea what possessed her to tease her friend with this. Especially with his music. _Music_; a concept that had eluded her for the past seven months. Well, not completely. She remembered the exchanges she had with Quinn. And her visit to her performance. And Quinn singing to her afterwards. So even though she could not hear it anymore, what was it that still captured her?

Kurt stepped a little closer, ready to lift his friend off her feet and carry her away from the danger zone, she could read it on his face. Without looking and with lightning speed, she snatched the CD her fingers had just wandered over, ducked under Kurt's arm that tried to hold her and sprinted towards the kitchen table, squealing. She managed to bring the object as a barrier between herself and her friend, tauntingly waving the CD.

_You are so dead, my dear_. Kurt signed and made a movement with his flat hand across his neck for emphasis.

"Well, first you have to get me," Rachel shot back with a laugh and ran two steps around the table when Kurt tried to reach her. They chased each other back and forth for a while until Kurt jumped onto the table surface all of a sudden and into Rachel's path just as she wanted to take off again.

He grabbed her in a tight hug and wrestled the CD out of her hand while she tried to fight him. Though she gave up after a while, because she had to laugh and when Kurt had placed the CD safely on the table, he started tickling her as punishment. Rachel laughed even harder, while trying to make some purchase and get her hands on her friend to treat him with some of his own. However, in between warding off the offending hands, laughing so hard and trying to wiggle away, she had no chance. Finally she let herself fall on the floor in the hopes of escaping Kurt's wiggling fingers. He dropped down opposite her, pulling his hands back into his lap, also laughing.

Rachel tried to catch her breath and wiped some strands of her hair out of her face. Panting, she stated:

"Oh my god, oh my god, I don't know when was the last time I laughed so much." Bending over, she held her stomach and had another laughing fit, in which Kurt joined her after listening to her contagious laughter for a short moment. In between gasps she tried to tell him:

"You… should have… seen your… face, when … I grabbed that CD. It was priceless," and her composure was gone again.

She barely managed to read the signs that Kurt threw her way, who was also still laughing.

_Yours was not better when I jumped from the table. _

They kept going until the water of the pasta boiling over set an abrupt end to their glee as Kurt jumped up at the noise and pulled the pot away from the stove. Rachel also managed to lift herself off the floor and check the damage. The sauce was still ok and the pasta was done, so Kurt poured them into a sieve.

She twirled around and collected plates, forks and spoon and some napkins to place them on the table, while Kurt gave the finishing touches to the sauce. It smelled enticing, and Rachel was a little hungry.

Waiting for Kurt to place the food on the table, her gaze fell on the CD that still lay where Kurt had placed it. Only then did she notice that it was not an original one, but a collection of different songs that Kurt had apparently burned onto the CD. The cover seemed to be made out of small pictures that held the title and the cover of the original CD the song came from.

Looking at the list, she let out an involuntary: "Oh my god!"

Kurt placed the pasta dish on the table and looked over Rachel's shoulder, smiling wistfully.

Turning, the small brunette looked at him. "These are all the songs we sang at our competitions!"

He nodded. _Yes_.

He seemed to want to say something else but then he just shook his head.

Rachel narrowed her eyes and studied him. "What? You wanted to say something. Come on, let it out."

_These are not the original band songs. This is… us. The Glee Club, _he then explained.

Rachel looked at the CD in her hand. "No way! Really? This is us? All of the songs?" She had an incredulous look on her face as she searched his eyes.

_It's true. I recorded almost everything. I never told anyone, don't know why. I just wanted it as a reminder of the time we spent and all the great things we achieved together. And when I installed my little amateur studio –_ with that he motioned his head towards Rachel's old bedroom, _- I enhanced the quality a bit. _

He paused for a moment. Then added: _We were really good._

Rachel dropped her eyes from his face onto the CD she still held in her hands. "Yes, we were," she then whispered.

She held her past in her hands, a past where she still had had dreams and had been convinced to fulfill them.

Not wanting the mood to change, she smiled bravely, handing the CD back to its rightful owner.

"Well, if you like you can put it on." She lifted her brown eyes and looked at Kurt.

He raised an eyebrow and then asked:_ There are a lot of Journey songs on. Are you up for that?_ he asked with a disarming grin.

"Uh, I remember. Well, yeah, put them on." She chuckled and added still laughing a bit: "I'll just pretend I don't hear them. Then you have to suffer alone."

Kurt snorted. _Gee, thanks. Good to have such nice friends to let me go through this by myself. _

Rachel patted him on the shoulder encouragingly. "You'll manage."

While they were enjoying their dinner and sipping the rest of the champagne – they had not gotten to taste one of the other wines Kurt had mentioned before yet - Rachel wanted to know how it was for Kurt to hear them all sing.

He put his fork down and though for a moment, while Rachel watched him curiously.

It was interesting to see how his face displayed so many different emotions and feelings when trying to answer this question.

_I switch between listening to it as just a normal CD and then again I dive right back into the whole Glee feeling, noticing the different voices, seeing our friends' faces in front of me. It sometimes pulls me right back to that time in high school. I am always amazed how good we were, _he repeated his earlier words.

"Which song is playing now?"

Kurt looked up from his plate hesitating a moment before answering_. _

_One of our not officially sung duets, _Kurt answered pointing to himself and Rachel.

The brunette was surprised. "Really? You taped those, too?"

_Yes._ _I guess I was a song stalker,_ he joked, which made Rachel smile.

Kurt knew that this was not a very honest thing he had done, taping people without asking for their permission. But now he was so damn glad he had done it.

He watched Rachel chewed her lower lip before she found the courage to posed the next question.

"Which one? _Happy Days_ or one of our _Wicked _duets?"

_Wicked. The one we sang in New York. 'For good.'_

"Oh." She looked at her plate, then back at Kurt. "How does it sound?"

Kurt was a little suprised by the question, but answered honestly.

_It has a little echo because of the large stage and when you were moving up the stairs, away from me, your voice gets a bit faint, but other than that, it sounds … perfect.  
_He smiled. _We would have made a great Glinda and Elphaba._

Rachel chuckled at the thought of Kurt dressed up as Glinda and agreed. "Yes, we would have."

Then she watched Kurt close his eyes and move his mouth, apparently singing a part of the song that played on the CD. She watched his lips closely and was delighted when she was able to identify the passage that he was reciting. From there, it was not difficult to follow. She knew the lyrics by heart.

…

_Well, I don't know if I believe that's true  
But I know I'm who I am today because I knew you  
Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun  
Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood  
Who can say if I've been changed for the better  
Because I knew you, I have been changed for good_

He opened his eyes again at the last line and looked at Rachel with a challenging look, while he kept on singing. Somehow he managed to sign, while he still followed the music:

_Your part is up,_ again throwing her a challenging look with a raised eyebrow.

But Rachel only shook her head and lowered her gaze. She held on to the seat of her chair with both hands, gripping it so hard that her knuckles went white. She was biting her tongue in order not to burst out with the words of a song that she knew by heart. The lyrics danced in her chest like wild horses wanting to be freed, to race up and out over her lips. It was hard to keep a rein on them.

Looking up from under her lashes, she focused on Kurt's lips that still formed the words of the song, having moved on to Elphaba's - _her_ - part.

…

_Like a seed dropped by a sky bird in a distant wood  
Who can say if I've been changed for the better  
But because I knew you_

She wanted to look away, but she just could not. Rachel was so caught in the moment; her eyes followed every movement of Kurt's lips, unconsciously and soundlessly forming the words with him. Kurt held her gaze every time Rachel looked up from his mouth and he kept singing, facing his friend so she could fully see his face.

Kurt watched Rachel's lips twitch until she finally started to form the full words, though he could not hear her utter a sound. He kept singing, wishing the song would last forever, until he could coax out at least one line from her. One little line was all he wanted. He was convinced she could do it. He was sure that if she just followed her heart and left her mind aside, she could do this. So he kept singing.

Spying the remote for the stereo on the table out of the corner of his eye, he reached over slowly, without looking away from Rachel, found the repeat button and pressed it to fix the song in an endless loop.

Rachel was not sure what kept her mesmerized in this situation. But she still could not take her eyes off Kurt and the words were running wild in her mind. She felt her own lips moving all of a sudden and abruptly stopped.

Oh my god.

Hopefully she had not tried to sing.

She tried to remember. No, she had not felt any vibrations in her throat, so with a sigh of relief she noted that she had apparently only moved her lips; which by itself seemed weird considering the whole situation. She waited for the familiar pang to hit her chest, but to her own surprise, it did not come. Instead she was so caught up in the moment again that she did not want to think any further. She just wanted let herself be carried away – wherever to.

Focusing back on her friend, she saw him close his eyes again and sing what seemed to be the last lines of the song, fully immersed into the music, his head slightly tilted up.

When the final word left his lips, he slowly lowered his head and opened his eyes again.

But instead of breaking the moment, smiling he just looked at her and started to sing anew.

Rachel though it was a different track at first, until she noticed that he was singing the same song again, starting with Elphaba's part, which actually would have been fitting for her to sing, considering the lyrics.

**(Elphaba)**

_I'm limited  
Just look at me  
I'm limited, and just look at you  
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda  
So now it's up to you for both of us  
Now it's up to you  
_

When it came to Glinda's part, Rachel still hung on Kurt's lips, hearing his voice in her mind.

**(Glinda)**

_I've heard it said  
That people come into our lives for a reason  
Bringing something we must learn,  
And we are led to those who help us most grow  
If we let them and we help them in return  
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true  
But I know I'm who I am today because I knew you_

Again Rachel started to mouth the lyrics with her friend, unconsciously at first.

_Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun  
Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood  
Who can say if I've been changed for the better  
Because I knew you, I have been changed for good_

But when she noticed this time what she was doing, she did not stop and when her part came up, she consciously lip synched herself and pretended to sing the duet with Kurt, which drew a genuine smile from him. He stood and reached out a hand to pull Rachel up from her chair. Even though they started to move around the kitchen a little with their performance, he paid special attention that Rachel would never lose sight of his lips. Though somehow it did not seem really necessary. She seemed to be following an inner rhythm that was in tune with the song. Rachel must still have the whole song stored in her memory with all the details, Kurt thought.

When the song started for the third time, he squeezed her hand, mouthed the first line of her first stanza and then pointed at her to take over. And Rachel continued to move her lips in tune with the music that played in the background.

They let themselves be carried away, diving into their characters, purely enjoying their little show. Rachel felt a joy rise in her chest that brought a huge smile to her face. Even though she was not really singing, it was still close, knowing that her voice was playing in the background. It was almost perfect.

Later she had no idea how it had happened. Maybe it was the alcohol that had boosted her courage a bit, maybe it was because she let herself sink so deep into the whole emotion and experience, but when the third stanza was up, she stopped moving while replaying the sentence -

_I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend  
_

- in her mind. Then she closed her eyes, saw herself with Kurt in New York on the original stage and felt the vibrations in her throat accompany the words she formed with her lips.

_Like a ship blown from its mooring by a wind off the sea  
Like a seed dropped by a sky bird in a distant wood  
Who can say if I've been changed for the better  
But because I knew you_

At the last sentence she opened her eyes and found Kurt staring at her while he sang his line.

**(Glinda)**

_Because I knew you  
_

And before she knew it, she also joined him in the next line that they were supposed to sing together.

**(Glinda & Elphaba)**

_I have been changed for good  
_

She fell quiet again after that, resigning to just moving her lips again, when Kurt looked at her sternly and made a simple sign with his most encouraging smile and a little wave with his other free hand.

_Sing!_

So when another line that they were supposed to sing together came up, she dared to raise her voice again. Surely she was not singing like she used to, belting out the songs with confidence, but she did sing. The lower volumen compared to her usual singing voice did not take away any of the momentum for the two friends as they finished the song together.

**(Glinda & Elphaba)**

_And none of it seems to matter anymore  
_

**(Glinda & Elphaba)**

_Like a comet pulled from orbit (Like a ship blown from its mooring)  
As it passes a sun (By a wind off the sea)  
Like a stream that meets a boulder (Like a seed dropped by a bird)  
Halfway through the wood (In the wood)  
_

**(Glinda & Elphaba)**

_Who can say if I've been changed for the better  
I do believe I have been changed for the better  
_

**(Glinda)**

_And because I knew you  
_

**(Elphaba)**

_Because I knew you  
_

**(Glinda & Elphaba)**

_Because I knew you  
I have been changed for good_

When the song ended, they just stood and stared at each other.

Then Kurt stepped closer and pulled his friend into a fierce hug, pressing the small body against him, trying not to cry, because he was so moved.

When Rachel pulled back, Kurt searched her face. She looked flushed, excited and a little embarrassed. But there was something else in her eyes, something that reminded him very much of the old Rachel he knew whenever she stood on stage. He smiled encouragingly, giving her the time to collect herself.

Finally Rachel let out a long breath.

"Wow." Was all she said and self-consciously swept a strand of hair behind her ear, not daring to look Kurt in the eye.

The she whispered, more to herself than speaking to her duet partner: "That was fun."

Kurt gently lifted Rachel's chin so she would meet his gaze and he smiled broader and nodded before letting go to sign.

_That was incredible._

Rachel nodded timidly. "Yeah."

Kurt looked at her for a moment before asking the next question.

_Have you ever tried to sing before?_

Rachel looked at him. Kurt might as well have asked her if she had tried bungee jump off the Empire State Building without a rope. She shook her head and then remembered.

"No, not since …" and she waved at the piano. "… last time I was here. And I guess you couldn't have called that singing." She let out another long breath and swiped her hands over her face. "Jesus, I don't know what is it about this place that makes me do such stupid things," she muttered, the embarrassment rising again, trying to smolder all the fun and joy she had felt moments ago.

_Rachel, that was not stupid! That was great! It was so much fun! I felt like we were back in New York on that _Wicked_ stage! Come on, don't turn this into a bad thing._

Kurt almost expected a harsh retort from Rachel, understanding what it must have cost her to let herself go and do what she had done, despite the circumstance. And there she had been, jumping into the performance and even singing a few lines along with the music.

He had hoped, but never really imagined that Rachel would actually dare to sing out loud ever again. And now that he had witnessed it, it was the most wonderful and amazing experience for him, something he would never ever forget. And he would make sure that Rachel would also keep this as a precious and wonderful memory and not as something she felt she needed to be ashamed of.

Kurt regretted only one thing.

That he had not been able to record this, too.

* * *

**... ****... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... **

**The song is "For good" from the musical Wicked, which I also don't own, neither the characters, the story nor the music.**

**... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... **

**When I came up with the idea of the whole story and also the idea about this chapter, I asked myself how realistic it would really be for Rachel to sing and to actually sound good. I rated it close to zero. However, if anyone could ever pull this off, it would be Rachel Berry. I really think she would still have the perfect pitch, even without being able to hear herself sing. Maybe not as strong, but still… I think she could hit the notes.**

**Nevertheless, I didn't want this to become too cheesy and miracle-like. I really wanted to know if a someone who lost his or her hearing and had been professional singer before, could still sing in real life. So I did a little research _after_ I had written that chapter. **

**I found out that in real life there is a young woman who lost her hearing while studying to become a jazz singer. Even though she is deaf, she started singing again, took lessons with her old vocal teacher from university and is now performing live. She has all the notes in her head and can hit them on key. She still has the perfect pitch and her voice is beautiful! That young lady is really incredible.**

**I just want to say that I did not write this chapter for her or because of her. I came up with the idea before knowing anything about her. But to know that someone like her exists helped me personally with the legitimacy of my idea :-). **

**So... **

**If you ever think, something is not possible, think again. **

**It is.**


	34. Chapter 34

**I don't own Glee.**

**gllover22: How many times did you listen to the song? :-)**

**JPElles: Yeah, I'm still not totally over it...not sure how "real" life would deal with it.  
**

**CarolineSC: Sent you the name, hope you got it.**

**Cate53: Got your point and I'm working on it. Thanks for mentioning it. Hope you know what I mean.  
**

**Thanks a lot also to Sole's stories for beta-readingand commenting this chapter!**

**Thanks to all of you and the ones not mentioned here for your thoughts and feedback! Some things really get me thinking. So please keep sharing your thoughts!**

* * *

**Chapter 34**

Rachel pondered over Kurt's words. Yes, it had been so much fun and it had reminded her so much of the old times, it had catapulted her back right to the start, back to McKinley, back to Glee Club when everything was still okay.

But she was not back in Lima or in the choir room. She was not seventeen anymore. She stood here in the kitchen of her friend's apartment in New York City.

Still, tuning back into reality was not as hurtful as she had thought.

There was something stirring inside her chest, something that she could not suppress. The joy of performing, of slipping into another role, becoming another person was what fueled her. She let a grin spread across her features, reveling in that feeling for a moment before it struck her again that she had actually _sung_ with Kurt.

"Oh my god, it must have been awful." She stated with a little uncomfortable laugh.

Kurt shook his head vehemently. He threw one hand in front of his mouth, thinking of how to explain it best. When he saw the doubts and insecurities race over Rachel's features, he thrust out his hands.

_Rachel, that was beautiful! I never thought I would hear you sing again! You… _

Words failed him at that moment and Kurt just looked in awe at his friend. Again, he could only begin to imagine what it must have meant for Rachel to do this. And what control and talent she must possess if she could still carry her voice in such a way without hearing herself; with the almost perfect pitch. The two or three little glitches where she had not quite hit the right note Kurt only noticed because he had the perfectly trained ear of a professional singer.

He could not begin to voice how amazed, touched and moved he was.

"Kurt? You ok?" Insecurity laced Rachel's voice, plainly audible in that small question.

For Rachel's sake Kurt pulled himself together and stopped wallowing in his emotions when all his friend needed was for him to describe what he had heard. Not just what he had heard, but how he had heard her _sing_.

_Rachel, I don't know how you do it, but you sounded really great! And I'm not just saying that. You know me, I was your biggest rival at high school, always striving for the same perfection – and sometimes soli, _he added with a reference to their _Defying Gravity_ diva-off, which caused the faintest smile to appear on Rachel's face remembering it. _So you have to believe me when I say that this was the…. most wonderful experience for me to hear you sing again. And it was… so good!_

Rachel looked at him, not fully believing what he said. "Yeah, right. Come on, be honest. How did I really sound?" She narrowed her eyes, studying his face, searching for any little sign that would betray his words. "I want a straightforward answer, not some sappy softened version for the deaf girl."

Kurt let an eyebrow crawl up on his forehead. Ok, that was a call for honesty. So how could he really make her understand that there was nothing softened or glossed over when he told her that she actually sounded good? Great even, considering the circumstances. She probably had not sung a single note in what – more than half a year? He shook his head slightly.

_Rachel, I am not gilding the lily here. You had two or three notes that were slightly, maybe half a tone below the original one. But even that is something that a normal person probably would not have heard. Other than that, you sang in tune._

Rachel was wondering where Kurt had gotten the expression 'gilding the lily' from in ASL. It had taken her quite a few seconds to understand the signs. She continued searching her friend's face, still wondering if he indeed was saying the truth.

In former times it would have been an absolute catastrophe had someone told her one little tune was off even by as little as half a note. In her register that would have meant the end of the world. But today, it seemed like reaching the top of Mount Everest and still it appeared to be unbelievable.

"No! No way! That does not make sense. That does not make any sense at all."

Kurt asked her a different question instead of insisting on his earlier words. It was a question she had discussed already with other people before, how she managed to have the right inflections and modulations in her voice when talking.

She thought a moment. Her therapist, Quinn and Santana had asked her the same and she had always given the same answer. She remembered the discussion she had with the Latina some days ago. Slowly Rachel released her breath and gave Kurt the same explanation.

"I don't really know. When I start talking I have in my mind how I would sound like if I actually could hear myself speak."

Kurt's eyes started sparkling. _See! And if you have the music in your head, maybe you still can articulate it the same way. I mean, even before, when you could still hear, you did not adjust the notes _after_ hearing them coming out of your mouth, right?_

Rachel shrugged and nodded once.

_You opened your mouth and just sang. So you had already adjusted them in your mind and transferred that onto your vocal cords, somehow. I am not sure if I am making sense here right now, _he then added with an apologetic shrug.

"Yeah, maybe." She paused for a moment, and added then in a small voice: "It feels weird not to hear myself. I feel all the vibrations in my throat and chest and still, I don't know. It's strange. And I know that I will never sound like I used to, not as strong and secure."

Kurt gently shook his head. _No, probably you will not. But this, _he gestured with his hand around the kitchen to indicate their little show performance_, was you. Different, yes, but still you. And please trust me, Rachel. You did nothing to be embarrassed of. Believe me._

Rachel opened her mouth and closed it again, clearly at a loss for words. There was no sense in discussing this further.

Either she could trust her friend with his judgment or not. These were the only choices she had. And it was damn hard to rely on someone else's opinion, not ever being able to truly know it for herself.

Kurt noticed that it was still working inside Rachel's head and he gave her time to sort her thoughts and feelings out.

Rachel pondered long and hard about that. So if what Kurt said was true, then maybe her idea could work out. Was it really so absurd or was she just making it so hard for herself to believe her friend? She truly felt that of all people Kurt was the one who would honestly tell her if she had sounded horrible.

Rachel felt like her lips were moving on their own even though part of her still found it too absurd to form her thoughts out loud.

"You know, I had this … I don't know …it's just a crazy idea to…" she chewed her lip before continuing. "… I have been thinking of maybe ..." God this was so hard to bring across her lips. After watching her struggle for a moment, Kurt jumped in.

_Just spit it out, Rachel._ He crocked his head, studying his friend, wondering if he should probe a little more as it was clearly not _just_ an idea. It seemed to be something quite important; otherwise it would not be so hard for Rachel to bring it out into the open.

Kurt's encouraging smile finally made Rachel dig up the last bit of courage she could find bring up the words.

"I have been thinking about a present for Quinn. And … I wanted it to be something very special, something that no one else could give her…."

Kurt could guess what she had in mind. To make it easier for her, he asked:

_You wanted to sing for her?_

"Yes..." It came out more as a breath than a sound, but she was glad that Kurt had prompted her. In a very low voice she continued. "I don't know, it's probably a stupid idea."

When she looked up again to finally meet her friend's eyes, Kurt saw a hopeful glimmer in the brown orbs. He placed a hand on her forearm and squeezed it slightly before pulling back again, his smile never wavering.

_I think she would love it! _

"You think?" She still doubted the sanity of her idea. It had been so much fun doing the duet with Kurt, but to sing a whole song and not being able to know how it would turn out seemed to be too far away to ever become reality for her.

_Why don't we try? Maybe we can even record it - _and he motioned with his head towards his music equipment_ - and you can give her a CD, _Kurt offered.

Rachel looked at him for a moment. While he was observing her contemplating his answer, something seemed to shift inside her. She broke their eye contact and shook her head.

"No, you know what, forget it. It's not going to work. No. I'll have to think of something else. I don't even know how I got this insane idea, I haven't sung in months, much less have I any idea how I would manage a complete song. So whatever possessed me to ask, just forget it, ok?" And she made a dismissive hand gesture towards him.

Kurt opened his mouth to protest and lifted his hands, but she stalled him.

"I said no, Kurt. No. Let's just leave it there, ok? I really enjoyed the little jump back into performing, but it's not going to last, it was just a one-time thing."

It hurt saying it, but it was reality. There was nothing she could do about it. And there was nothing she wanted to discuss further. She noticed the disappointed look on Kurt's face, before he shifted his gaze and focused on something behind her shoulder. Rachel turned to see what caught his attention and she noticed Blaine standing in the doorway, with a slightly guilty expression on his face.

Her breath caught in her throat. She had planned on leaving before he got back. But chekcing the time he was too early for shis show to have finished. Noticing an uncomfortable feeling creeping up from her stomache, Rachel forced herself to relax.

Blaine stepped forward and pulled the large door close before facing Rachel and Kurt again.

Kurt walked over and kissed his fiancée on the lips. When they broke off, Rachel gave Blaine a little wave with her hand.

"Hi Blaine," she managed evenly.

Blaine looked from her to Kurt and back to her, before he answered. Kurt stood next to him and raised his hands.

"Hi Rachel. I … I'm sorry I just interrupted you two."

She looked from Kurt's hands to Blaine. Out of a gut feeling she asked:

"How long have you been standing there?"

There was something about the way his eyes darted between her and Kurt and the way he held himself that did not fit with the fact that he had _just_ arrived.

Blaine placed his bag on one of the chairs and surveyed the left overs of their dinner. Then he turned back to Rachel.

"Um, I was here a little earlier, but… " He exhaled slowly. "… I saw you two performing in the kitchen and I didn't want to disturb you, you seemed to have so much fun, so… I turned and left and waited for a while down the hall before I came back again…" he let his voice trial off. "I am sorry, I should have made my presence known before." He then managed to apologize.

Rachel was torn between anger and embarrassment for Blaine to have witnessed such a very private and special moment. She looked at Kurt and noticed pure surprise on his face. So he had not seen or heard Blaine standing in the door either. That was at least a consolation. She would not have forgiven him had he noticed Blaine's presence without alerting her.

"You are home early," Kurt stated and signed in parallel.

Blaine nodded and coughed. He looked quite tired and had some dark circles under his eyes.

"I don't feel well."

"Oh my god, you sound like you are getting a cold! Go to bed right away!" Kurt exclaimed and rushed his boyfriend towards their bedroom.

Rachel watched Kurt switch into a slight state of alert, even though his words eluded her. After having seen Blaine cough it was not hard to guess what he might have said, though.

Halfway across the room Kurt turned signing:

_Rachel, I will just get Blaine into bed, I'll be right with you again!_

Rachel nodded.

For an actor or a singer just the beginning of a cold was already an absolute nightmare. She could not say if Blaine's voice had already suffered, but judging from the state he looked like, he was probably in for a nasty cold. Why he had not stayed at home in the first place that evening was beyond her. It was of utmost importance to take care of oneself, especially when having such a tight and trying schedule and so many people depending on you. Also spreading the germs among your fellow actors was usually never a gesture that was well received.

When the two disappeared behind the newly installed glass sliding door that separated the bedroom from the rest of the apartment – there was now also a glass wall installed behind the shelf on the foot side of the room to ward of the noise - she took stock of the whole situation and her feelings.

It seemed that two people had heard her sing now. Two people - while she herself could not hear her own voice. And of all people one of them had to be Blaine. She wondered what this would do to his fear; probably it had not helped to ease it, listening to a former Broadway star croaking along to her own once perfect singing.

She tried to distract herself in order not to start brooding and slipping into a bad mood. The evening _had_ been too nice for that.

Collecting the plates with the left-over food, she cleared them and placed them into the sink. How come that whenever she was with one of her friends, they almost never got to eat what they were cooking? She wondered.

Rachel noticed that she felt oddly calm while she concentrated on the task at hand, letting the water run over the porcelain and squeezing some dish washing liquid into the sink. Maybe it was still the effect of the alcohol in her system that let her stand there so calmly. After all, she could not take anything back or change the past hour. And if she was honest with herself, she would not want to. It had been so much fun.

She and Kurt had always had that certain chemistry when singing and it must have been what had caught her in that moment, even though she could not hear any of the music. At least not for real, but in her mind everything had been so clear!

Rachel focused back on straightening up the kitchen. At home she had a dishwasher and she wondered why Kurt had never gotten around to buy one. Though for now she found it very relaxing and almost meditative to concentrate on washing the dishes.

After she had deposited the food from the pots into two glass bowls and placed them into the fridge, she scrubbed the rest of the cooking utensils too.

While standing there, her hands busy with scrubbing, she had to laugh all of a sudden. Out of the corner of her eye she noticed someone approaching and Kurt asked her with his hands:

_What's so funny?_

Rachel shrugged, her hands still submerged in the foamy water.

"I don't know. This whole situation, everything. I mean, I am standing here cleaning the dishes after dancing and singing in your kitchen …you have to admit it does seem rather funny, considering the circumstances." She placed both hands on the rim of the sink and leaned on her arms. "You know, Kurt, I really enjoyed this. It reminded me what is worth living for." She gave him a crooked smile and Kurt grabed a dish towel off the hook to help her.

Rachel watched his face break into a smile. Before he answered, he threw the towel on the table to free his hands again.

_Yes. I guess it proves that the best things happen if you do not plan them. Sometimes you just have to let things go and they'll sort themselves out on their own._ He noticed the slightly confused look on Rachel's face and continued.

_Look, do you think this evening would have happened the way it did, had you planned to sing with me? I don't think so and yet it was one of the best things that we ever lived through together. At least for me it was. _

"Hm. Kind of happened the same way with meeting Quinn again. I could never have planned it the way it really happened and how the whole thing turned out. I see what you mean."

_So, __are __you ok?_ Kurt then asked with a compassionate look on his face.

Rachel thought for a moment. "Yes, I guess I'm ok. It still feels weird to think that I actually sang with you without ever being able to hear it and knowing how it really sounded. I just had to trust my feeling and my memory of the song." She paused for a moment, collecting her thoughts before continuing.

"But it is still hard to believe that you are telling the truth. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to imply that you are lying, but… oh god, how do I explain myself…"

_It's ok, I think I can understand._ Kurt paused for a moment before he continued.

_Blaine wanted to talk to you, if that is ok with you. Why don't you go talk to him while I finish up here?_ He gestured towards the already cleaned dishes. _And thanks for helping, Rachel._

"You're welcome. Besides, you did all the cooking! Which was great, by the way!" She gave him a grateful smile. "How is Blaine? And did they cancel the show with him leaving early?" She then inquired curiously.

Kurt shook his head, placed the plate he was just drying on the table and answered:

_His understudy took over. They only had one and a half acts to go. He already didn't feel so well yesterday, but insisted on going to work today. _

"He should have stayed in bed. Did he sound hoarse?" She then wanted to know.

_Yes, a little, I guess he overexerted himself today. _

Rachel nodded and dried her hands on the towel Kurt held for her. She could not think of any further questions to ask to keep her from seeing Blaine. Truth be told, she felt uncomfortable having to face him alone. But, if she ever wanted to resolve this issue she should go and see him. Before she made her way over to the bedroom she stopped at her handbag to retrieve a notepad. Though, when she slipped through the door she found Blaine already holding one of his own in his hand, sitting Indian style on the blanket. He smiled shyly as she entered and padded the bed in front of him.

Cautiously she sat down and laid the paper and pen down in front of her, looking at Blaine. He seemed a bit nervous and fidgeted with the pen in his hand. To put him a bit at ease, she started the conversation.

"Kurt told me you wanted to see me."

Blaine nodded and visibly swallowed. This was going to be awkward, Rachel thought and took over the conversation again, even though he had asked to talk to her.

"I'm sorry you had to cancel the rest of your show. I guess that just adds fuel to the fire of the discussion we had through our e-mails." She said gently.

Blaine pressed his lips together and nodded.

"Yes, thanks. I wanted to apologize…" he started saying tilting his head down, not looking at Rachel until she waved her hand in front of his face and then pointed to his pad.

"I can't understand what you're saying. So you either have to look at me and speak in short and clear sentences or write down what you want to say," she explained.

Embarrassed, Blaine stoapped fiddling with the ball point pen nd wrote something down.

_I'm truly sorry for having intruded before. Seems like I stick my foot into my mouth every time I'm around you._

This drew a soft chuckle from Rachel. "Guess you do." Then she sobered.

"Do you know how that whole situation makes me feel? This was somehow the most vulnerable I have ever been. Standing there, in the kitchen, actually singing again. Still, with Kurt I somehow had felt safe. But now knowing that you witnessed the whole thing … Blaine that was really unfair. And to be honest it makes me furious that you have intruded in such a personal moment uncalled."

Blaine looked at her for a moment. "Yes. I guess I can understand that," he mumbled and again Rachel had to point to the paper on his lap. This time she did it with a little more emphasis. Was it really that difficult?

She moved a little closer so she could read over his shoulder in order to not having to wait until he had finished writing everything.

_You asked me to be honest with you in your last e-mail. So I try to be.  
When I came home I heard Kurt singing. That was really strange, because he told me that you were coming over and I didn't quite understand why he would do such an inconsiderate thing… with you being there. So I peeked inside and was surprised to see you watching him and joining him even! I didn't dare to interrupt, you seemed so… So happy and so involved. I just didn't bring it over my heart to step inside, because I'm sure you would've stopped. It was so fascinating to watch you. Then I realized that this was really inappropriate and I turned around again to give you some more privacy._

Rachel had watched Blaine while he wrote down the words. He looked like he had a bad conscience and even seemed truly ashamed of his action.

"In your state you shouldn't have wandered around the hallway, Blaine. It just would've been fair to say something right then and there." She made her point.

He opened his mouth again to answer, but caught himself just in time and let the pen fly over the paper instead. He coughed again a few times while writing.

_True. And I am sorry I didn't. But to be honest, do you think you would have dared to sing had you seen me standing there or if I had said anything?_

So he definitely had heard her, too.

She shook her head. "No."

_So… Wasn't it then a good thing that I just walked away?_

"_Walked away_? You shouldn't have been there in the first place," Rachel gave the sharp retort.

For a moment she felt cornered and wanted to lash out at Blaine. How dared he ask her such a question? He, who had been the one who had the most problems with her deafness and how to deal with it. So how dare he to discuss this absolute sensible situation with her now? He was the one who still had everything and nevertheless tortured himself with an unreasonable fear, while she had lost everything. And then he dared to watch her sing – something that she thought she would never do again in her life.

_Sing_.

And now he was sitting there smug on his bed, asking her these well-meant questions about this one moment when she had felt normal for a fraction of a second, when she had managed to not focus on the fact that she was deaf?

Rachel felt the anger rise in her chest and apparently it also settled in her eyes, because as she looked at Blaine, he flinched and involuntarily leaned back a bit.

Good. He should know that he had not been welcomed to witness this scene. He of all people.

But in her heart, she knew where his last question pointed at and another voice inside her tried to reason with her, tried to get her to calm down and think about it in earnest.

She knew he wanted to hear that she enjoyed herself, that she had liked it. She thought back to the moment when she took the whole thing forward from just moving her lips to actually raising her voice.

This last step had been a conscious decision. She had known what she was doing.

It had helped seeing Kurt in front of her, performing with her. That had given the whole thing a frame of reference for her, which was so important as she had no way of judging when her next verse was up.

Well, that was not quite true. As she had the whole song in her head, she had known when each line came up and how to sing it, theoretically. But translating that knowledge onto her voice, _singing_, had been a totally different story.

The whole trouble began and ended in her head with all her doubts and insecurities. She knew she had to ignore those voices should she ever want to move forward. The world would throw enough obstacles into her path, so _she_ had to stop limiting _herself_ first.

Once she had managed to let herself be completely pulled into the scene that played out in front of her, she could not hear those little voices of doubts anymore as they seemed to be drowned out by the joy and fun she felt. That had helped her to actually take the last step to tune in with Kurt.

She had watched his face, his eyes had widened in surprise.

Rachel had felt through the vibrations in her throat when she was changing the volume while singing. The vibrations got stronger the higher the volume, spreading from her throat through her head and chest. She knew she did not sing as loud and as forceful as she used to, but after staying silent for so long, it felt like a small victory over her limitations. She knew that this singing was most likely a one-time thing that had happened in the spur of a moment, but still, it boosted her confidence a bit.

So maybe she would at least be able to keep her 'talking' voice and manage to keep giving it the right inflections and modulations over time.

Seeing Blaine in front of her, watching her and waiting for an answer, she felt her anger disappear. And she realized that she didn't need to say anything. He knew the answer already. He must have seen it written all over her face, the way he looked at her.

Rachel let out a long breath and with it she felt the anger and tension leave her body completely.

"I think I should let you rest. You really don't look well, if I may say so. Let Kurt cook you some chicken soup and tug you in."

_Oh believe me, even if I tried, I would not manage to keep him away from my bedside. He would have been a good nurse in another life_, Blaine joked, desperately trying to lighten the mood.

"Yeah, I think he would," Rachel agreed, watching Blaine writing something else down.

_For what it's worth..._ he fiddled with the pen for a moment, before he dared to write the next words… _Kurt told me you don't really believe him when he says that you sounded good. Which I can understand in a way. I just wanted to let you know, for the short moment I was there, it sounded great to hear you sing with Kurt and having your two voices play in the background. That was incredible, it really sounded great, like a double _Wicked_ performance! _

"Thank you Blaine." Rachel answered, not knowing what else to say and not wanting to talk about it any further. She collected her pad and pen and got up. "Well, get better soon," she offered and gave a little wave with her hand.

Turning to leave she felt him grab her hand to hold her back. He held up a finger to ask her to wait for another moment and let his pen flow across the paper.

_Thanks for letting me witness that little moment (even though you were not aware of it and I still feel bad about this!). But it's good to know that you can find back to your old self._

The petite woman stared at the words for a while before she answered, taking the pen out of Blaine's hand, writing her words down.

_You know, sometimes it might be better to move on and not stay the same. If you hold on to too much things that you're afraid to lose, you don't have time to see what else is there around you. And you'll never grow. _She blinked and then added another sentence._ That is something I've just realized._

She placed the pen on the pad and handed both back to Blaine with a smile. He read it and nodded, reaching out to squeeze Rachel's hand, sneezing twice at that moment and then quickly withdrew his hand again.

"Oh sorry, hope I didn't spread my viruses!" He exclaimed, then noticing his mistake reached for the pen and paper again. But Rachel's hand on his arm stilled his motion. She had understood the "sorry" and "virus" and guessed the rest.

"Don't worry, I won't get sick. Now get into bed, before I call the nurse," she ordered.

Blaine nodded and scooted under the covers, watching Rachel slide the door close.

Rachel found Kurt still in the kitchen, setting up some coffee and preparing a tea for his boyfriend.

_Everything ok?_ He asked with his hands.

"Yes. All good. I think I should leave you now to tend to your boyfriend," Rachel then said and moved towards the chair where her jacket hung. Kurt stomped his foot twice on the wooden floor to get her attention.

_No, you'll do no such thing. Sit down, Ms. Berry, at once! _And he sternly pointed at the chair she stood in front of._ We still have to test at least one wine! I didn't carry that whole stuff up here to just look at it!_

"Oh, ok, Mr. Hummel, I did not want to upset you." Rachel held up her hands in a defensive gesture. "I will surely enjoy some nice conversation over a decent glass of wine. Though mind you, I am already slightly intoxicated by the marvelous champagne you have served earlier." She answered in typical Rachel manner.

_That's why we will have some coffee and dessert first. I'll just bring the tea to Blaine and will be right with you._

Rachel chuckled and sat down. Looking at the clock above the fridge she found that it wasn't as late as she'd thought. Not even nine thirty. Kurt came back right away as promised. She wondered what the two men had talked about, because her friend was shaking his head a little, lifting one corner of his mouth in a crocked smile.

Kurt then served some excellent carrot cake from their favorite bakery and the coffee helped to perk her up a bit.

Some fresh water a little later helped to clear their taste buds in order to enjoy the white wine Kurt offered. He explained that it was not really the right order to have the wine after dessert, as it might taste differently after the sweet dish, but Rachel agreed that having had something to eat first was a good idea.

"Have you taped anything else from Glee Club?"

Kurt shook his head. _No, not much. Some of the special competitions, like boys against girls or the mash ups. Some I just have taped with my phone._

Rachel looked at Kurt. "Hm. I never really have thought of you to be the secret stalker type, Kurt," she joked. "Does Mr. Schuester know?"

Again Kurt answered no.

"Hm, maybe that would be a nice present for him, once he retires or something like that. A memory of his first Glee club that won the Nationals."

Kurt laughed. _Good idea. Maybe I won't wait until he is ancient and gray. Should he ever marry Ms. Pilsbury, then I'll give him that as a present. Speaking of Glee, will you go home for Hanukkah or Christmas?_

Rachel hesitated a moment. "Yeah, I have planned to go home." She thought about the conversation she was going to have with her parents and felt a little unease rise.

_You don't look happy about it_, Kurt commented.

"No, it's just… I'm not at best terms with my dads so far. Ever since the accident we have somehow drifted apart. And I know that it is partly because I have been keeping them at arm's length, but partly it is also because they are behaving just so inconsiderate around me. It's not like they are not allowed to learn and make mistakes, but they keep making the same ones over and over again. As if they didn't _want_ to learn. I told them that we needed to talk. Quinn offered me to support me. Still I'm not looking forward to that discussion."

_I can understand that. If there is anything I can do to help, let me know. We will also be going home, probably around the 23__rd__, after our last performance. When will you be leaving?_

Rachel shrugged. "Don't know yet. We have not talked about it so far. Probably a day earlier, depending on Quinn's schedule. I'll let you know, ok?" She took another sip of her wine.

Kurt studied his friend for a moment as she played with her wine glass, twirling it between her fingers, watching the pale liquid leaving little traces on the inside of the glass. He wondered what else was eating her.

_What's up? _He asked as she looked back at him after a while.

"Nothing. Have just been thinking about our annual Glee meeting. Don't know if I feel up to it this year. Nobody knows yet what happened."

_Well, I don't think they will like you any less if you tell them, don't you think_? Kurt asked gently.

"No, that's not it. Well not all of it. It's just that whatever Mr. Schue has planned, most likely I won't be able to participate and I'm not sure if I can stand to just watch you all sing and have fun. She paused for a moment, collecting herself. "Anyway, that's still some days away and I don't want to worry about it tonight." She changed the topic. "I like the wine."

_Yes, it's one of my favorites. Blaine was complaining that he didn't get any._

"Why didn't he?"

_He's sick and should stick to tea!_ Kurt answered with emphasis.

"Oh god," Rachel chuckled. "We already joked about how good a nurse you would have become in another life."

Kurt perked up. _Oh yes, with those nice little white dresses and those good looking doctors, yumm! I'd have loved that job!_ And he waggled his eyebrows for emphasis.

Rachel had to laugh again, imagining her friend in the nurse's outfit. "Right. But you know, the main part of the job doesn't consist of ogling handsome doctors and making out in the janitor's closet."

His face fell a little. _Right. Damn. _

The light banter continued and after having finished her wine, Rachel decided to leave.

She put on her coat and bonnet and hugged her friend at the door.

"Thank you for this great evening. And thank you for …" she waved with her hand at the kitchen table "...the food and the wine. And … you know… all the rest," she smiled shyly.

_I know._ Kurt smiled. _And you are very welcome Rachel. For the food, the wine and "all the rest". Especially the "rest"._ He managed to weave the air quotation marks into his signing.

_So whenever you feel like a little performance in whichever way, the door is always open for you and I'll be ready as your duet partner, _he added, gazing at Rachel intensively.

She held his gaze for a moment, seeing the earnestness behind the words and simply nodded. There was nothing to add. She knew whenever she felt like it and whatever she wanted to try out, Kurt would be there for her, not judging, not questioning her.

It filled her with a gratefulness that was hard to contain, as she made her way towards the subway, unable to erase the happy smile that played around her lips.

… … …

On the subway ride back to her apartment, Rachel thought that it was not fair to Quinn that two people had heard her sing, when her girlfriend didn't even know yet about her first contact with Kurt's piano. She had even talked with Santana about that episode.

Rachel wondered what held her back from telling Quinn. Was she afraid Quinn would want to hear her sing? Or that she would press her to try out even more? No. Not really. She had not even asked her to speak before, so why would she ask her to sing? She had let Rachel pick her own pace with everything. The brunette could not find a rational reason for wanting to hold back the news.

When she opened her apartment door, she noticed that she had left the light on in the living room. She dropped her bag on the kitchen counter, threw her shoes in the corner next to the door, hung up her coat, scarf and bonnet. Then she made her way towards the bathroom, where she discarded the rest of her clothes and got ready for bed.

Midway through washing her face she noticed that she was humming. That _Wicked_ song still held her captive. Shaking her head she washed off the excessive foam, brushed her teeth and grabbed her clothes. With only her bra and panties on she slipped into the dark bedroom, threw the pile of clothes on the chair in the corner and turned towards her bed, stopping mid-track.

There was a bulge under the cover and she saw some blond tousled hair peeking out from under it.

"Awwww, that's so sweet," she half-whispered and stepped next to the bed, gently stroking through the blond locks, placing a happy kiss on the head of her girlfriend.

That was a very nice surprise, they had planned to sleep separately for the night, but apparently Quinn's longing for her had been too great to tame.

Quickly Rachel threw on her pajamas and crawled into the bed, snuggling up to her sleeping beauty, wrapping her arms around her from behind, burring her nose in her hair inhaling deeply.

Heaven. Home. Bliss.

"Mhmmmmmmmm," she sighed as she tried to scoot even closer.

Quinn moved under her embrace and sleepily turned around.

"Hey sweet!" she mumbled and searched Rachel's lips with hers. The brunette eagerly met her half way and they shared a tender kiss.

"What are you doing here, honey?" Rachel asked, still feeling happy to be treated to such a nice surprise.

"Missed you," was the short reply she plucked from Quinn's lips as the blond seemed too tired to sign.

"Go back to sleep honey," Rachel cooed softly and placed another kiss on her girlfriend's forehead. "You must be tired."

The blond head bobbed up and down slowly.

"Did you have fun?" Quinn managed before her eyes fell close again.

Rachel did not answer right away, thinking back to the evening, and then answered honestly:

"Yeah. I did. In fact, I had more than fun." Then she collected her courage before she could change her mind. "I sang a little duet with Kurt," she then whispered, observing Quinn for any reaction.

A small smile spread across Quinn's features as her eyes stayed close. She hardly managed to say the next words. "Reall... Tell me …" the rest was apparently swallowed by fatigue and Rachel watched Quinn's breath even out and take on a rhythm that told her that her girlfriend was in dreamland again.

She pulled one corner of her mouth up and let out a short breath, turned around, switched the lights off and wrapped her arms around her lover. At least it was out and she would see how Quinn would react to her news in the morning.


	35. Chapter 35

**Don't own Glee or its characters.**

**This one's rated M. Just to be sure.**

**Sorry guys for the long wait! But I have been busy in the meantime with further chapters and with correcting some mistakes in the old ones.**

**Many many thanks to Sole's stories for beta reading this chapteras well, you always provide good and honest input!**

**CoffeeShopLoner: Thank you for those nice words! And yes, life is treating me fairly well. I hope the same for you, too!**

**aquarius 127: Sooooo, sleepy Quinn? ;-)**

**Thank you all so much for your reviews and follows. You help to keep this story alive!**

* * *

**Chapter 35**

The next morning Quinn was woken up by the nice smell of coffee wafting under her nose. Slowly she stretched and inhaled deeply.

Cracking her eyes open, she found Rachel sitting on the edge of the bed, holding a cup for her. Slowly and with adorable mussed hair, as Rachel thought, Quinn propped herself up on her elbows.

Rachel smiled at her sleepy lover. "Morning, darling! Before any of our stomachs start grumbling, disturbing any romantic moment we might have, can I suggest breakfast in bed?" And she placed the cup in Quinn's outstretched hand, then bent down to retrieve a fully loaded tray from the floor.

"Wow!" Quinn's eyes became big when she saw the nicely decorated plates, one even with an omelet and bacon. Quickly she placed the cup on the nightstand after having taken a quick sip. She sat up fully and cupped Rachel's face, looking lovingly at her. Then she pulled back an signed:

_Good morning, my love! This looks nice! What did I do to deserve this?_

Rachel cocked her head, soaking up the sight in front of her. "Mmmm, I'd say by coming here last night and not letting me sleep by myself."

_Lucky me! I missed you, I wanted to wake up next to you. _Quinn signed and looked at her girlfriend from under her lashes.

"I missed you, too, and I am glad I could fall asleep with you in my arms last night. And wake up next to you. And that I can cuddle with you now again! Hold the tray for a second so I can scoot in next to you." Rachel held out the food, which Quinn eagerly took.

Making themselves comfortable, they fed each other little bites of toast, fruits and kisses in between after Quinn had polished off her eggs.

Rachel decided the little pieces of apple tasted best when picked up with her lips from Quinn's stomach. The blonde had laid a little trail from her navel up to her breasts and her girlfriend was more than eager to follow the bait. Slowly the brunette nibbled her way up until her lips cupped one of Quinn's pink nipples, and the brunette started to suck at it softly. She felt her lover arch her body against her, showing her that she wanted more. Much more.

Looking up, she found the hazel eyes gazing at her intently and Rachel moved a little to continue her lip work on Quinn's mouth. Their tongues met and toyed with each other, exchanging hot and passionate kisses. At one point Quinn rolled them over so that Rachel was lying on her back. The blonde pushed her lover's pajama shirt up until it revealed gloriously naked tanned skin. She reached out and grabbed the honey glass from the night stand, letting the golden liquid drop on the warm, exposed flesh.

Rachel's stomach muscles involuntarily contracted every time a cool droplet of the sweet stickiness fell down. After what must have felt like one thousand drops, Quinn placed the honey back on the tray and bent over Rachel with a gleam in her eyes.

Slowly, very slowly, she began to kiss off each of the droplets while massaging Rachel's breasts softly with her hands. Quinn felt her girlfriend move under her touch and noticed the brunette's breathing getting more and more ragged. A low moan escaped Rachel's lips.

"Mmmh, Quinn! You. Are. Driving. Me. Nuts." Rachel managed between breaths, writhing even more under the tender hands, lips and tongue.

At one point the blonde tugged on the pajama pants that Rachel was still wearing and helped her shimmy out of the garment, only to follow suite with her own. The tops were discarded as well.

Quinn smiled mischievously and thrust her thigh between Rachel's already spread legs. Slowly she started to move it a little up and down, the friction causing Rachel to emit an involuntary gasp. The brunette had a second to wonder about Quinn's acrobatic talents to place all her limbs at all the right spots on her body at once, before her rising arousal drowned any coherent thought. She felt Quinn's hands on her breast and her mouth on her lips; she could not hold back the sounds of pleasure. She rocked her hips against Quinn's thigh and the slow rocking motion sent hot flashes through her body.

In a husky voice Rachel whispered: "I want to feel you."

And Quinn was happy to oblige. She dipped her fingers into the wetness that had accumulated between her girlfriend's folds and watched Rachel's eyes flutter shut at the sensation. The hot flesh pulsed around her fingers as she slowly moved them back and forth, while Rachel thrust her hips against her. The brown locks spread out on the pillow under her girlfriend's head as if setting a frame for the beautiful face that rested in the dark waves with a look of absolute bliss on its features. Seeing this gorgeous woman getting close to the edge under her hands filled Quinn's heart with such love that she almost felt she must burst.

"God, Rachel I love you so much, you're the most beautiful woman on earth." Knowing that her lover would not hear those words, she nevertheless had to let them out. "I love you so much, Rachel!" She smiled when she felt Rachel's hand grip her arm, sqeezing it hard.

"Quinn, oh god Quinn, don't stop, please, don't… stop!" Everytime Quinn heard Rachel say her name with that husky voice so full of need and desire it seemed like the most beautiful gift for the blonde.

Quinn absolutely loved watching her lover come undone under her hands, she loved how Rachel lost every last bit of control and let herself be tasted, probed, nipped and be driven over the edge.

When Rachel came back to her senses, Quinn lowered her taller, willowy frame slowly onto Rachel's, careful to leave her some room to breathe.

Feeling the warm skin on her own let Quinn's pulse accelerate. Their eyes locked and for a moment both women were lost in each other's gaze. Unspoken words passed between them, transmitted only through their eyes and the close body touch. Quinn felt like she was seeing her whole world in those eyes, she drowned in the brown pools and never wanted to surface again. She had never felt more at home, more at peace and more whole then when gazing into those eyes, seeing the same love, the same feelings she felt reflected back.

Quinn lowered her body until it covered Rachel's completely. Then she wrapped her arms around the smaller frame and hid her face in the crook of her girlfriend's neck. She rolled slightly to one side, taking the other body with her, pressing the brunette even harder against herself. Quinn felt Rachel's arms tighten their embrace in unison, both women trying to get even closer to each other, trying to melt into one person. They held each other for a long while, before Quinn slowly moved them back into their former position. Kissing Rachel first softly, then more passionately, the blonde lifted herself up again, took Rachel's hands and spread her arms wide on the bed. The movement exposed the brunette's beautiful breasts even more and the round mounds stretched alluringly towards her with that movement. Slowly she kissed her way down from Rachel's lips over her throat, down her left shoulder to the crook of her elbow, where she lingered for a moment, paying this sensitive spot special attention.

Rachel shuddered and managed to croak: "No teasing, Quinn, pleeeeease."

Quinn chuckled and with on last little nip at the soft flesh she moved closer to Rachel's center, but not without stopping to give her breasts the deserved attention. Before reaching her most sensitive area, the blonde stopped with her lips at one little spot she had overlooked before and teasingly licked off the honey with the tip of her tongue. From there she nipped her way further down until her lips closed over the pulsing little nub between Rachel's legs. She kept sucking at it, causing her lover to moan even more, her hands flailing across the bed sheet, blindly searching for anything she could hold on to. Quinn extended one of her hands and Rachel gripped it, entwining her fingers with her girlfriend's. It seemed like the additional physical touch was something that Rachel needed to make up for not being able to have an auditory connection with her lover.

The blond let her tongue dip deeper, testing the wet fold. Then she wandered up again to slowly suck at the little tender spot above the throbbing flesh. Rachel exhaled deeply, only to take in another shaky breath, almost whimpering as she felt Quinn then enter with her tongue again.

Slowly she started to move her hips, thrusting herself against Quinn's finger, until the blonde slipped in a second one.

"Oh Quinn, god, don't stop. Please, don't ever stop," the brunette gasped and moved faster. Quinn kept up with the rhythm and then pressed the thumb of her hand on her lover's clitoris, stimulating Rachel even further until she felt a shudder race through her lover's body, feeling her gripping her hand even harder and letting out a long groan.

Once Rachel slumped down and let go of Quinn's hand, Quinn emerged between her lovers' legs with a smug grin on her face. Cat like she crawled up to face her girlfriend who was lying dazed on the mattress with a dreamy look in her eyes.

"Hello gorgeous, want to come back to this world?" she coaxed Rachel softly speaking and signing and placed small kisses on the soft skin of her cheeks.

"Hmhm," Rachel managed to counter weakly, still not being able to move.

Quinn chuckled and propped herself on her elbow next to her still sedated lover, letting her left index finger lazily crawl down her girlfriend's chest, only to stop at her breasts to twirl little circles around the nipples.

"Mhmmm, Quinn, that won't help getting me back to my senses," Rachel replied, her voice still trembling.

Quinn decided to not comment and continued her exploration, watching the slender body next to her react instantly to her touch. She could go on for hours without ever wanting anything more. She loved this woman by her side so much that every little fiber of her being thrummed and vibrated with the emotion.

She bent down and nuzzled Rachel's throat gently. Rachel lifted a hand and started playing with a strand of Quinn's hair. Then she reached a little lower and lifted Quinn's chin so she could look at her.

_I love you,_ Rachel mouthed and watched Quinn's eyes skip down to her lips. _I love you so much, _she added without raising her voice and thereupon saw a smile spread across the other woman's face. The blond lowered her head and stole a tender kiss from Rachel's lips.

"You stole my words," Quinn said softly and then smiled.

"I stole your words?" Rachel asked to ensure that she had understood it correctly.

Quinn nodded.

"What now, do you want me to give them back to you?" the brunette teased.

Quinn nodded again and held out a hand. Rachel laughed. "Um, you know, maybe I'll give you something else instead." And she gently pushed Quinn down until she lay on her stomach. Then she began to massage her shoulders, softly kneading her way down her back. She felt Quinn groan under her fingers whenever she worked on a particular tight little muscle. But under her soothing movements, her girlfriend managed to relax.

At one point, Quinn felt Rachel draw something with her finger on her back. She had to concentrate to figure out what it was she was writing. When she realized she had to laugh.

"I love you, Rachel, with all my heart!?" she exclaimed without signing and turned her head to look at her girlfriend.

"Oh you do? That's so sweet!" Rachel stated feigning innocence.

Quinn smiled. "Very clever, Miss Berry."

"See, I gave you back your words. That's what you wanted, wasn't it?" The blonde received as an answer with a teasing grin.

Quinn groaned and sat up, pulling the brunette into her lap. "Sometime you are just too much, you know that?" she asked laughing and when she noticed Rachel's questioning look, she repeated her words in ASL.

"Uh, I'm nothing you can't handle," was Rachel's confident answer. "Lay back down that I can finish what I have started," she told Quinn.

But the blonde shook her head and signed: _You know what, I'd like to lie down, but hold you for a moment. I need to feel you in my arms_.

The brunette raised an eyebrow in question, but conceded to her girlfriend's wishes, after reassuring herself that everything was ok.

_Yes, everything is fine, Rachel. I just need to hold you for a while. I really do love you with all my heart and if I can't hold you right now I have the feeling my heart will explode_, she explained with a smile.

"Oh my, can't have that!" With that Rachel lay down next to Quinn and snuggled closer so the taller woman could wrap her arms around her.

As they lay like that for a while, stroking each other softly with their fingers, Rachel wondered if Quinn would address her at some point about what she had told her the night before. When nothing came from Quinn, she probed a little.

"Have you been home long before I came?"

Quinn crunched her eyebrows, trying to recall the timings. Rachel leaned back a bit to better read the signs.

_Don't remember exactly. Maybe an hour or so. Why?_

"Just asking. Had I known you were here, I'd have come home earlier."

_It's ok, Rachel, don't worry. You had fun with Kurt? What'd you do?_ Quinn asked curiously.

Rachel looked at girlfriend's innocent face, then closed her eyes, shook her head and chuckled softly.

"You don't remember, do you?" Rachel asked, torn between disappointment and relief.

Quinn raised one eyebrow. _Remember what?_

"Nothing. Nothing important. We had a little conversation, but you were half asleep."

"Oh." A pause, more thinking. _I can't remember. What did we talk about?_

Rachel smiled. "That I was surprised to see you and you asked me if I had fun."

_Oh. Sorry. I really can't remember. Did I say anything else? God, hopefully I didn't spill any secrets, _Quinn joked.

_No, _Rachel thought. _I_ _did. But you don't remember._

Quinn cocked her head and watched her girlfriend. It seemed like she wanted to say something more.

But Rachel could not work up the courage anymore to tell Quinn what she had done. And again, she could not explain to herself why. Why of all people was it the hardest to tell the person she loved the most? Maybe she was afraid of raising expectations or to disappoint Quinn for not wanting to sing for her. Rachel knew how much Quinn loved her voice and that made it just so much harder to tell her about the singing. Because Rachel knew, she would probably not do it again. It would have been like dangling a precious gift in front of someone only to tell them that they would never receive it.

"Hm, you told me about my Christmas present," Rachel then said earnestly which made Quinn pause for a moment. Then the blonde slapped her girlfriend on the arm.

_I did not! You almost had me there, Rachel._

Rachel laughed and a second later sneezed twice. Quinn looked at her with a worried expression.

_Honey, are you feeling all right?_

"Yes, why? I just sneezed."

_Your voice sounds a bit hoarse, too. You sure you're ok? You sound like you are getting a cold._

"Really?"

Rachel felt fine, besides, being told by her girlfriend that her voice sounded strange. She wondered if it might have been some lingering effect of her singing the other night. After all, she hadn't done it for a long time and had not warmed up properly either. Or – and that thought she liked even less – it was indeed happening that she very slowly started to lose some of her ability to inflect her voice. Then again, if she had managed to sing as well as Kurt had claimed, this current change in her voice probably did not come in lack of control.

She shook her head. That was nothing she wanted to think about. So she put on a brave face and added:

"No, I am fine, honestly. It is probably nothing."

… … …

The 'nothing' turned into a full-fledged cold over the next day.

It relieved Rachel somewhat, that what Quinn had heard in her voice was just due to the cold, but she absolutely hated getting sick.

"Do I sound hoarse when I am talking?" Rachel asked over breakfast where she forced herself to nibble on a small bite of toast at least. She absolutely had no appetite and her whole body ached.

Quinn was surprised. _Why do you ask?_

"Cause if feels weird in my throat. Usually, I feel the vibrations in my throat and chest when I talk. But now I need a lot more strength to get that same feeling. How does my voice sound?" She asked with a concerned look at Quinn.

Quinn understood that this must be absolutely confusing, feeling a difference in the voice and in the effort it took to say something; but not being able to judge how it sounded.

_Yes, you sound hoarse. Your voice cracks. I think you should go see a doctor. Especially,_ and she placed her hand at Rachel's forehead, _since you seem to run a fever. So why don't you make an appointment at your ENT specialist?_

"No, this has nothing to do with my ears; it's just a cold, like you said, so a GP would be more than adequate to help."

Quinn sensed that it would lead nowhere if she pressed that topic any further. Getting the phone number from Rachel, she made the call at the practice and managed to get an appointment the same day later in the morning.

_You want me to come with you? _She asked with a concerned looked pale and had dark circles under her eyes.

"Ugh, this is so annoying. I never get sick. Guess I should have stayed away from Blaine." Rachel stated ignoring Quinn's question.

_Blaine? Was he home as well? I thought he was working._ Quinn was confused.

"Yeah, he was, but he had to go home early because he couldn't finish the play anymore."

_Wow, that's tough. Why didn't you stay away from him?_

Rachel shrugged. "He wanted to talk to me and so I went to see him in the bedroom. To talk, I mean. He went straight to bed when he came home. Kurt literally stuffed him into bed. Anyway, I really didn't think I'd catch a cold."

_Well, let's see what the doctor says. I'm coming with you, _Quinn decided after not having received an answer from her girlfriend on her earlier question.

"Maybe you should go home and stay away from me for a while; otherwise you might also catch a cold." She cleared her throat twice before continuing. "And so close to Christmas with your concert and all I don't want you to get sick as well!" But it would be hard to see Quinn leave, Rachel admitted to herself. Though she did not want to be so selfish and ask her to stay and expose herself even more to her germs.

_No! You don't think I'll leave my sick girlfriend alone, do you? No way!_

"But Quiiiinn, you can't get sick and if you stay with me…" But Quinn didn't let her finish. The more Rachel tried to speak, the worse her voice got.

_No more discussion about it. I'll stay and go to the doc with you. Now, back to bed and rest until we have to go. I'll get you some tea. Don't strain your voice too much, sweetie._ Quinn said and observed how her girlfriend stemmed her hands into her hips in typical Rachel fashion.

The former diva huff for a moment, but then looked a little deflated.

She turned and shuffled back to bed with a weak: "Okay."

Quinn was a bit surprised to get no further resistance or argument, so Rachel really must have felt lousy.

The brunette actually fell asleep again and dozed until Quinn woke her up gently to get ready for the appointment. It seemed that she got worse every minute, despite the nap.

Quinn called a cab company and pre-ordered a taxi to pick them up. She did not want to stay in front of the building, having to wait unnecessarily with her sick girlfriend in the cold.

The good thing about accompanying Rachel was that she could interpret for her. Her GP had looked very surprised and concerned as he understood the situation. He knew Rachel already for a couple of years, but he had not heard about her accident yet.

It took him a moment to digest the news before his professionalism took over again and he started to examine her.

Quinn noticed that he kept looking at Rachel when he spoke and the brunette really appreciated that, even though Quinn had to sign his words for her.

The diagnosis was a common cold with acute Laryngitis including some inflamed tonsils. The doctor told Rachel that she should try to not use her voice over the next two to three days. And he told her that it might make sense to get her tonsils taken out as soon as she got better.

_You still haven't had them be removed, Rachel?_ Quinn asked as they sat in the cab driving back to Rachel's flat.

_No, the last time I got sick was in high school. Ok, that was horrible but nothing else has happened since,_ she signed back.

The little trip had already exhausted Rachel and she was longing to get back to bed. They stopped quickly at Quinn's apartment which was almost on the way so she could grab some clothes, but soon they were off again to get Rachel back home.

For once, Rachel decided to take the elevator up to the fifth floor and to not walk up the flight of stairs, which was part of her fitness program, usually.

The petite woman got ready for bed again and gratefully slid back under the covers. It did not take ten minutes and she was asleep. Quinn prepared a little soup and some tea that she filled in a thermos to keep it warm.

Rachel woke up after a two hour nap and groggily padded into the bathroom. When she came out, she found Quinn standing at the counter, her head bent over some sheets that lay in front of her. Curiously the brunette stepped closer.

"Hey," Quinn greeted her girlfriend and smiled. Rachel gave a short wave with her hand as answer and pointed wordlessly at the papers.

The blonde lifted the pages and Rachel saw that it was sheet music.

As Rachel clutched a blanked around her shoulders with both hands, she just mouthed the words. _For your concert? _

Catching Quinn's questioning look she just repeated the last word._ Concert?_

That Quinn understood and nodded and signed: _Yes. Our director decided to take up one more song._

Rachel nodded. Under other circumstance she would have asked which one and if she could have a look at it, but right now she just felt like sitting or lying down again. She ambled over to the living room as Quinn turned to warm up the soup. Rachel dropped on the couch and cuddled up in her blanket, content to watch her girlfriend fiddling around in the kitchen.

As Quinn stirred the liquid content in the pot while it heated, she noted how insecure she had felt reading the words from Rachel' lips. It seemed to her much more difficult than reading signs and it took a lot of concentration to see the slightest movements and formations of the speaker's lips and tongue. As Rachel now mostly spoke or at least signed, it was something that Quinn was not really used to. She was sure that with practice it would get easier, but still, she had underestimated the real difficulty.

The soup was hot enough so Quinn walked over to Rachel, balancing a bowl and a spoon on a little tray with a steaming cup of tea.

Carefully, Quinn placed it in front of her girlfriend on the couch table.

_You want to eat it here? _She signed when she had her hands free again.

Rachel nodded. _Yes, that's fine, thank you._ _Smells good._

Quinn got her own bowl and plopped down on the floor opposite of Rachel, joining her in this Spartan late lunch.

_Honey, I have to leave in an hour for my show. You want to stay here on the couch and watch a movie or do you want to go back to bed?_

_I think I'll go back to bed. Thanks for cooking. I really do hope you don't catch a cold. _

_Well, if so, you'll have to get better quickly and then take care of me. It's just that easy,_ Quinn signed back.

"'kay," Rachel managed to croak which earned her an immediate reprimand from her girlfriend.

_No talking! Rest your voice._

Rachel drew her eyebrows together and pouted when she answered with her hands, moving them through the air in front of her_. _

_I want my voice back. It's so much easier if I can talk at least. _

_I know sweetie. But the more you stay silent, the quicker you'll get better. _

Rachel laid down her spoon again to comment.

_I know, but that doesn't mean I have to like it!_

While taking another mouthful of the tasty vegetable broth with some carrots and small little pasta letters, Rachel thought about her own words. Funny. Before she met Quinn she had not talked for days or weeks at a time. Now she found it difficult to stay silent just for three days.

The only people she still refused to talk to were her dads – with the small exception of Hiram's last visit. She really needed to discuss her situation with them and she needed to see that they really _wanted_ to understand how she felt, before she could take a step towards them. She wanted to know that they were also willing to make it easier for her and were considering her wishes. Then, and only then, she would also try to make it easier for them.

Thinking about her dads and going home for the season festivities reminded her of the discussion with Kurt.

_Quinn, when did you plan to get back to Lima for Christmas? Did you plan to go back at all? Kurt has asked me and depending on all our schedules maybe we can plan the trip together. _

The blonde nodded and swallowed the spoonful she had just ladled into her mouth before answering.

_Yes, I have my concert on the twenty-first, another show on the twenty-second and twenty third. Then I am free until the twenty-ninth. So we could leave on the twenty-fourth early in the morning. _

Rachel nodded, taking another spoon full of soup. That would be fine for her. She had not planned anything yet and was ready to adjust to Quinn's much more rigid schedule. She noticed Quinn moving her hands again iand looked back up from her bowl.

_If you don't want to go earlier, that is. You don't have to stick around just because I have to work so much. I know Hanukkah starts earlier and that you used to celebrate that with your dads. _

Rachel shook her head._ No, that is okay. This year the start of Hanukkah falls exactly on the 24__th__ of December, so that fits perfectly. Besides I don't feel like spending too much time with my dads, currently. Not until we have resolved this issue between us. _

_I can understand that. We'll manage, Rachel, _Quinn assured her and reached across the table to squeeze her arm lightly. _Would it be ok to get back to New York on the twenty-eighth if you don't want to stay for the full eight days of the festivities? _

Rachel nodded._ Yes. That 's enough._ The shorter the better anyway, she thought to herself.

_Ok. I guess it should give us enough time to hang out with our families and friends anyway, _Quinn stated.

Rachel only nodded at that, a slight uneasy expression on her face.

_Sorry, I didn't want to impose. I guess meeting old friends might not be something you are looking forward to. _

Quinn watched her girlfriend play pensively with a piece of carrot in her bowl before she answered.

_No, I … I'm not sure about that at all. We - the old Glee Clubbers - have always met over the past years, those of us who were back in town over the holidays, anyway. I had always hoped to see you there as well, but you managed quite well to stay out of my way, _Rachel signed with a little smile. Though it vanished when she thought that even though Quinn would be there this year, she herself would not be able to enjoy the meeting the way she used to. _I'm not sure I want to go to the reunion this year. Maybe I'll decide spontaneously. _

Quinn tilted her head slightly, gazing at Rachel's face, guessing where the sad look came from.

_Did you organize anything special when you all met?_

Rachel shrugged._ We always met in our old choir room at the school and Mr. Schuester suggested a topic and we would then get up in an impromptu jam session with all the songs we knew that could fit the theme. _

Quinn stilled Rachel's hand and asked for a sign she had not understood.

Rachel repeated it slowly and tried to say it aloud, despite the vow of silence she had given. But feeling the scratching in her throat she gave up and finger spelled her explanation._ J-A-M S-E-S-S-I-O-N. _Seeing Quinn nod her understanding she continued signing.

_Everyone brings food and drinks. It's really nice. _She paused for a second._ You were missed by everyone. _She added, raising her eyebrow a little, indicating that there was at least one person who had missed her_ a lot. _

_It was hard to stay away, _Quinn admitted._ Sounds like you really had fun._

Santana and Brittany had told her about the jam sessions as well and every time her heart had felt very heavy at skipping the meetings, but she had not found the courage to go and face Rachel. She rather missed out on all the fun with her old friends, using a lame excuse about a family celebration, not wanting to explain the real reason of her staying away.

Pulling herself away from her own thoughts, Quinn noticed how Rachel's eyes started getting glassy and a tired look appeared on her face.

_Maybe we should get you back to bed soon, what do you think? You look exhausted. _

Rachel nodded. She ate a couple more ladles of the soup and then laid the spoon aside.

"Ugh."_ My whole body aches. This is so annoying. _She added signing after having received another reproachful look from Quinn at the sound crossing her lips. Rachel rolled her eyes at her girlfriend. She was not going to talk; the burning in her throat was uncomfortable enough. Still, she could not hold back teasing Quinn about it.

_What will you do if I start talking in my sleep?_

_Wake you and tell you to shut up,_ Quinn answered with a crooked smile.

_Very considerate, thanks_. Rachel made a funny face at Quinn before sneezing three times, grabbing a tissue and blowing her nose noisily. Then she slowly pushed herself off the couch and made her way around the table. Quinn got up as well and followed her girlfriend into the bedroom, bringing another cup of tea and a glass of water to place it next to her on the night stand.

She sat on the bed and gently stroke some strands of hair out of Rachel's face.

_I'll have to leave in twenty minutes, but I'll be back soon. If you feel worse or need anything, text me. I'll leave my phone with one of the extras and they can alert me if it is something urgent. Don't play the brave one, ok? Let me know if you need me. _

Rachel nodded weakly; she found it very sweet how concerned Quinn was.

She managed to sit back up and let herself fall against the blonde's chest, resting her head below Quinn's collar bone. With on hand she pointed at herself, then with the bent index finger firmly down and then at Quinn.

She felt Quinn chuckle.

Leaning back she watched Quinn ask: _Need me already? I haven't even left._

Rachel nodded, putting on a very pitiful face, which provoked another smile from Quinn. But not wanting to make her feel bad for leaving her, Rachel quickly added:

_No, don't worry; I'll be fine. Really. And if you want to stay at home, that is ok, I understand!_

Quinn placed a finger on Rachel's lips and shook her head.

_Rest now. See you later._

Quinn watched Rachel scoot back under the covers. Then the brunette kissed her fingertips and blew her the kiss, her eyes already half closing.

_Love you, too, sweet,_ Quinn smiled and got up. With one last glance at the bed she stepped outside and cleaned up the dishes.

Sitting in the cab on her way to the theater, Quinn noticed that she felt like something was missing. She could not quite place it but there was a little hole inside of her and she had no idea what had caused it. She thought back to the afternoon and then it dawned on her.

Finally, she realized how much she missed hearing Rachel's voice. And how she had almost taken it for granted all these past weeks. She made a mental note to tell Rachel how much she really appreciated hearing her speaking every day.

It had just been half a day that Rachel had been condemned to silence by her doctor, but still. With Rachel usually talking, they had at least half a normal conversation and it was so much easier and comfortable for Quinn. Immediately, she felt guilty for that thought. And remembering the short moment of confusion when she could not read Rachel's lips brought her back to the reality of the situation. This was how Rachel must feel all the time. If people were talking around her, she had to try to guess what was being said and was probably only able to guess one or the other word. It doubtlessly was really exhausting trying to figure out what was being said all the time without the help of signs.

In the beginning of their relationship, Rachel and she had written down a lot, but even though this was a little more inconvenient than signing, it allowed for a literal transcript of their thoughts and feelings. That was something both still had to work on with ASL, as it was a different method of expressing oneself. It was not so much that it did not allow for expressing exact feelings or thoughts, it was just that the approach was different and it took some time getting used to it. It was more an interpretation than a literal translation. And it was more difficult having to learn it as a hearing – or former hearing person – being used to the spoken language and its own syntax and phrasing, trying not to "translate" every word literally.

She loved Rachel with all her heart and was sure she would never love her less, but sometimes it was a bit exhausting having to think all the time about what was appropriate and what was not, in order to not hurt Rachel's feelings. It was not so much that Rachel asked all this consideration of her directly, but Quinn's strive for perfection demanded that from herself. Rachel had told her once that she was entitled to make mistakes and Quinn knew that her girlfriend would be the last person to not forgive her. But she did not want to make a mistake. She did not want to be the reason for Rachel's hurt.

Still, sometimes Quinn just wanted to open her mouth and be able to tell Rachel all the things that she felt and thought; without having to think about the choice of every word and how to phrase it. She had gotten better at it and had to think less and less about the signs, but it still needed all her concentration.

She wanted to hold her girlfriend in her arms and whisper something into her ear. She wanted to tell her how beautiful she was while she made love to her and wanted to caress her with her own voice.

At that moment, Quinn felt robbed of her own voice more than ever. It was a selfish thought, as Rachel had been robbed of much more, but she couldn't fight it, as much as she wanted. And then all the other unfair wishes came back. She wanted to carefree sing songs with her girlfriend while cooking, she wanted to read the favorite passages from her beloved books to her; she wanted to sing to her during her concert. She just fucking wanted Rachel to be able to _hear_ her.

Quinn balled her fist and pressed it against her thigh as she looked out of the window from behind her sunglasses.

The injustice of it all came crushing back. And the blonde had no idea why all of a sudden. She had to bite her tongue to will the tears back down. The blonde hated herself for these thoughts at that moment. They were unfair, even though natural. Kurt and Carmen had told her that it was only natural to grieve for this loss also as a partner or relative of the person who had become deaf. That it was necessary even. But she just felt not entitled to do so.

She, Quinn Fabray, had to be strong. Yes, Rachel had told her that this was not true, that she could not always be the strong one, but _Quinn_ demanded that from _herself_. It had been part of her upbringing to always do the right thing and be fucking perfect. To never be weak and to never show weakness. The one time she had slipped, she had felt the consequences dearly. She had lost everything back then: Her parents, her home, her reputation, her beloved Cheerios uniform. And she would be damned if she would lose again now what was so important to her. She could not risk making the mistake to offend or hurt Rachel and in the course lose her again.

Despite feeling so devastated, she heard Rachel's words in her mind.

_Don't bottle everything up until it becomes too hard to bear. Promise me to talk about this in the future right away. Promise me to not swallow things out of false pride._

Quinn had promised. She should not break that promise, much as it went against her own wish to be perfect.

Imagining the sound of her lover's voice in her head was like a soothing balm that washed over her.

Quinn realized what a great gift it was that her girlfriend still preferred to express herself vocally. She loved hearing Rachel's voice and her laughter and at that moment she was so grateful that she was still able to hear that. And she missed it terribly.

Now she understood what it meant not being able to listen to the other person's voice and only be dependent on signs completely. That was something that Rachel had to face every day.

It sucked.

* * *

**Thanks Sole's_stories for the discussion about Quinn.**


	36. Chapter 36

**I don't own Glee or its original characters.**

**Thank you Sole's_stories for your corrections and feedback. You raised good points. And sorry for being annoying with my repetitive mistakes!**

**gllover22: Yes, she will learn eventually.**

**Toxxo: Yes, so far she does.**

**CarolineSC: Working on it….**

**Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter 36**

Rachel's cold luckily wore itself out quicker than they thought it would and after a couple of days of rest and pampering from her girlfriend she was back to her old self. Quinn survived the cold streak without catching it herself, despite staying with her girlfriend and cuddling with her in bed or on the couch. They postponed the kissing though, which meant they had a lot to make up to after Rachel pronounced herself fit again. The brunette was so relieved when the three days speaking ban was lifted and Quinn allowed her to talk again.

Even though it was really hard for Quinn to communicate in absolute silence with Rachel, the blonde had been extremely adamant about her staying silent.

Rachel herself wondered how it would be to finally use her voice again. When she tried, it felt like before she got sick and she had the impression that it did not cost her as much as before to speak up.

Quinn assured her that she sounded almost as good as before and it filled the former cheerleader with absolute joy and love to hear Rachel's voice again. The three days of silence had been a good lesson to not take Rachel's speaking for granted again and she let her girlfriend know how much it meant to her over and over again until Rachel told her to stop.

The brunette was pleased to hear it, but then again, she was just _talking_. Yes, granted, it had been a big deal some months ago, but now it seemed kind of… normal. At least around Quinn and her friends.

_You have no idea what your voice does to me_. Quinn told her earnestly one morning when they were still lying in bed. Rachel had just woken her up with a nibble at the blonde's sensitive ear love and a half-whispered love confession.

"So what does it do?" Rachel asked with a gleam in her eyes, slowly tracing her forefinger down Quinn's slender throat, down to her chest, twirling it lightly around her left breast.

She watched Quinn catch her breath, gripping her wrist to stop its further advance along the sensitive parts of her body. Rachel stilled her hand, but continued to talk in a husky voice, bending closer to Quinn's ear.

"I'd much rather let my fingers trail further along your naked skin. Then let them wander slowly across your breast. I might follow with kisses down your neck, slowly making my way down your body. Reaching your legs, I might linger for a moment with my tongue on your most sensitive spot, until you beg me to take you."

Quinn felt Rachel's breath tickle her ear and throat and had to swallow hard and dry. She closed her eyes for a moment, trying to get her breathing under control.

When she opened them again, she saw Rachel smirking because of the erect nipples under the blonde's pajama top.

It did not take long for both of them to discard their clothes. Rachel was careful to accompany _every_ kiss she placed on Quinn's body with a husky comment to make sure her girlfriend had double the amount of pleasure.

At that moment Quinn did not know what was better, the soft lips, the tongue or the voice caressing every inch of her body. Well, she did not have to decide. She loved all of it and let herself fall into the feeling of being carried away by her girlfriend's touch. She reveled in the sound of the brunette's voice that enveloped her like a warm blanket and she knew that none of her former lovers had ever managed to cause that kind of physical reaction just with their voices. But with Rachel it had a certain additional appeal. In combination with her caresses Quinn quickly forgot her surroundings and let herself be carried towards her climax.

… … …

Over the net days Rachel thought about her upcoming birthday and decided that it would be nice to have her friends over for dinner to celebrate a bit. Quinn agreed with her idea, but of course had plans of her own for that special day.

One and a half weeks later, December eighteenth, Quinn carefully balanced on one foot and with her other one nudged the door to the bedroom in her apartment open. Slowly, she stepped into the room and lovingly gazed at her sleeping girlfriend. Under normal circumstances she would have woken her up with a happy birthday song. Considering she had to rouse her with different means, Quinn carefully carried a cake with lit candles in her hands and set it on the dresser, which she had decorated with roses and rose petals sprinkled across the surface. She took one flower out of the vase, dried the wet tip and laid it on the bed next to her still sleeping beauty. Quickly she undressed and placed herself gracefully next to her girlfriend, took up the flower and slowly and gently waved it in front of Rachel's nose.

It took the sleeping woman a moment to become aware of the smell, but then a smile spread across her features until her consciousness reached the surface. Slowly, she opened her eyes to find her most favorite hazel orbs smiling at her. From there her eyes dropped to the source of the nice scent that had woken her up.

"Oh." Was all that escaped her lips, before Quinn's mouth covered hers in a passionate kiss.

_Happy birthday!_ Quinn mouthed after she broke away. Then she sat up and in a bold and spontaneous moment and started singing and signing in parallel.

"Happy birthday to you,

happy birthday to you,

happy birthday, my lovely darling,

happy birthday to you!"

Rachel chuckled and sat up as well, taking the beaming face in front of her into her hands and kissed the soft lips again.

"Thank you, sweetie, this is…" she interrupted herself as she fully noticed the candles and the cake on the dresser. She scrambled out of bed and stood in front of the edible prove of love from the blonde. "Oh, Quinn, did you bake this just for me?" she looked over her shoulder and saw Quinn answer with a nod.

Rachel turned back to her cake and closed her eyes, making a wish. Then she quickly held her hair back before bending down to blow out the candles.

Carefully, she broke off a little piece of the baked good and took a bite. The lemon cake was soft and had just the right consistency, so it almost melted on her tongue. It was not too crumbly and dry and not too soft or doughy. The white sugar coating also tasted like lemon.

Just perfect.

"Hmmmmm," she hummed while she slowly swallowed.

She broke off another piece of cake and turned around, ambling over to the bed where she let her eyes rake greedily over the naked glory sprawled on the bed.

"Don't know what is more delicious, the cake or the sight in front of my eyes." She placed a little piece on Quinn's stomach and held another piece in front of her girlfriend's mouth, who eagerly took it with her lips. Rachel slowly licked up the crumbs off Quinn's naked midriff, making the blonde wince in the process.

This was already a wonderful start for her birthday, Rachel decided. She was excited about what the rest of the day would bring.

Quinn only hoped that what she had planned for her lover's special day would make her happy and that she was up for a little celebration with something for the eyes and later something with a lot of "noise" and vibrations.

It had not been difficult for Quinn to come up with ideas for Rachel's birthday. The actual challenge had been to adapt her plans to Rachel's needs. Under normal circumstance Quinn would not have doubted that her plans would be received with enthusiasm, but as it was, she was not so sure if she had thought about everything and had anticipated every eventuality. She wanted this to be the perfect day for Rachel. She wanted her to enjoy every part of it without having to miss out on anything.

Quickly the blonde was pulled from her musings by the brunette boldly claiming her body with her tongue, teeth and hands. Under this treatment it was hard for Quinn to keep a hold on any clear thoughts.

After slowly and tenderly making love to each other – which involved also some more of the delicious cake - Quinn contently dozed in Rachel's arms, enjoying the tender stroking of the petite woman's hand on her back, while the brunette lay wide awake.

Rachel was content to watch her girlfriend fall asleep after a little while, letting her fingers dance across the blonde's luminous pale skin. The brunette followed the traces of her own darker hand with her eyes as she drew nice little patterns on Quinn's body.

After a while though Rachel started getting restless.

She felt _that_ urge again.

That urge that still came and went once in a while as it pleased. That urge, which always threatened to steal all her happiness that she so painstakingly had found again over the past months. This ache had surfaced less over the past weeks, but it was still there. And now it threatened to overwhelm her again.

_Not today, please, not today,_ she thought.

Clenching her teeth, Rachel slowly pulled her arm out from Quinn's neck and got up. Quickly, she dressed in a pair of jeans and a sweater and wandered out into the living room area. Aimlessly, she walked back and forth, trying to find something that would distract her mind. She guessed that the little episode with Kurt had triggered this new bout of _longing_. She so damn longed to sing that she felt like her chest would explode. She needed a distraction, some kind of release.

Now.

Finally her wanderings brought her to a stop in front of Quinn's stereo. Rachel had never looked at it closely, much less checked out the CD collection that Quinn had. Funny, how her friends still collected those discs in the era of MP3 downloads. But she had to admit, it had always had a special appeal to look at the cover and to read the lyrics that were printed in many booklets while listening to the music.

Slowly, the brunette let her eyes rake over the CD cases. It reminded her of that evening at Kurt's, only that Quinn was not as picky about her stuff as her friend.

Her gaze fell onto the Sennheiser headphones that lay on top of the stereo, still plugged in from when either of the other two women had listened to some music. Rachel lifted her hand and then stopped. She just stared at the headphones.

Then she started wondering.

After another moment, she turned on the stereo and pressed the play button on the CD player. Rachel had no idea what was playing, but then saw the cover underneath the headset. It was a Jay Z CD. The one that featured one of her favorite songs, _Empire state of mind_.

Slowly and as if her hands moved on their own Rachel reached out and took the headphones into her hands. Then she placed them on her head. Skipping to the fourth track she waited of a couple of seconds, and then tentatively turned up the volume. She knew she would not be able to _hear_ anything, but maybe she could at least _feel_ the beat. With a last hesitation she turned the knob with a swift motion all the way to the right.

And felt at that moment as if her head would explode.

All of a sudden, her whole upper body seemed to be filled with _sound_. She closed her eyes, reveling in the sensation. The vibrations of the bass and drums reverberated through her head and gave her the feeling of being at a concert, standing directly in front of the loud speakers. Without noticing it a small smile spread across her face and she started nodding her head with the rhythm. She was able to distinguish the change in tact and pace and found it so fascinating how this sound could be actually _felt_.

The beat was easy enough to follow, especially because she knew the song so well. She remembered Artie singing the lyrics and forgot for the fraction of a second that she could not really hear the music. Rachel closed her eyes and got lost in the intensity of the sensation that filled her. Her whole body seemed to be jam-packed with it. And as long as she did not start thinking about it, it seemed almost as if she could hear the whole song.

Santana entered the apartment, wondering why on god's earth Quinn was trying to ruin her hearing by listening to music at such a high volume. When she saw who was actually "listening" to it, the Latina stopped dead in her tracks.

Rachel was sitting on the floor; her knees propped up, her arms wrapped lightly around them, bobbing her head to whatever she was … hearing. The music was so loud that even from where Santana was standing she could make out which song was playing and she had to smile at Rachel's choice. She was wondering what the brunette was really experiencing. Could she _hear_ something? Or was it just the beat that kept her head nodding?

Santana debated whether to sneak off into her room, pretending not to have seen anything or to make her presence known. Santana chose for the latter. She switched the light on and off a couple of times before it registered with Rachel.

Still having her eyes closed it took her a while to notice the faint flicker through her eyelids.

She turned her head and spotted Santana.

_Hi Berry, _the Latina greeted her without fuss and with the few signs she had already learned.

She did not finger-spell Rachel's last name, but made the sign for the fruit "berry". It had been her own idea and she had asked Carmen for the correct sign. Rachel had not commented it, but was secretly amused and pleased that Santana had gone through the motion of finding a "nickname" for her in ASL. Even though Carmen had explained to the Latina that a name sign would usually have to be picked by a deaf person and usually was _not_ referring to her or his last name, Santana was not to be deterred by the comment. And Rachel let her have it her way, because it created a personal connection between the former classmates.

The brunette reached up and pulled the headphones off her head, turned the volume down and with this gesture lamentably killed the whole sensation of sound that had just filled her.

"Hi Lopez, "she answered, her whole body still buzzing from the vibrations.

Santana only tapped her ear with her right forefinger, raising a questioning eyebrow.

Rachel shrugged. "I… I just," she did not finish the sentence and let out a long breath. Then she started again. "I was listening to _Empire state of mind_."

She saw Santana chuckle and then sign with her hands: _I heard that_.

"Oh!" Rachel bit her lip. "I guess, I, um, forgot how loud this could get if you crank it up all the way, even through the headphones."

The Latina smiled and just watched the petit woman. She felt the brunette had more to say and kept quiet.

Rachel shrugged. "I was just wondering how it would feel like. You know. The sound." And she gestured with both hands close to her ears, shaking them a little, to indicate the vibrations.

"And?" Santana prompted aloud when Rachel would not venture forth, trusting the brunette would be able to read that small word off her lips.

"And - what?" Rachel asked back.

Very slowly Santana tried to elaborate her question. Just like Quinn at the beginning, she had to think and concentrate a lot to remember the correct signs. But she tried and so far, after four lessons with Carmen, she had not given up yet. Rachel was really grateful for that gesture.

_And how did it feel?_

Rachel laughed a little. "At this volume – intense!"

_Good. Hold on to that feeling,_ the Latina nodded with a smile and then walked towards the petite woman who still sat on the floor.

"Oh, are you also going to tell me 'don't stop believing'?" Rachel retorted because Santana's last sentence had reminded her of the final verse of their New Directions signature song.

"Haha!" The Latina grimaced. _Very funny, Berry! _She then added with her hands.

When the Latina stood in front of Rachel, the taller woman begged her with a gesture to get up. Then the brunette felt herself enveloped in a bear hug.

_Happy birthday, Rachel! _The tall woman signed then and held up a finger to indicate that Rachel should wait for a second. The Latina dashed into her room and came back out with a gift bag, holding it out to her friend.

As Rachel took it, Santana pointed at the little card that was tied to the little cord handles.

_Dear Rachel, we wish you a happy birthday!_

_Hopefully, you have found a way to dream again and don't ever let that dream out of sight!  
In the meantime, enjoy a little sound massage.  
_

_Hugs and kisses, xoxoxo_

_Santana, Kurt & Blaine_

"Aaaaw, you guys are sweet. Thank you." Then Rachel frowned. "But what is a sound massage?"

Santana just pointed at the bag.

As Rachel opened it and looked insight her breath caught.

She pulled out a large brass bowl and a funny looking drum stick of sorts. The stick was short and had a thick cylindrical end that was covered in felt. Rachel was not quite sure what to do with it and looked at Santana.

"Wow, the bowl is beautiful, but what do I do with – this?" She waved the drum stick.

The Latina laughed at the former diva's confused look and gestured for Rachel to follow her to the couch and to lie down.

Before Santana started the demonstration, she quickly scribbled an explanation on a piece of paper.

_This is a singing bowl._

"A singing bowl?" Rachel frowned.

_Yes. When you either hit the bowl with the drum stick or rub it slowly along the rim of the bowl, the whole brass starts vibrating and it gives of a hum in a different variety of sounds. The best thing about it is that it is used for massages as well. _

She placed the bowl on the flat of Rachel's hand and first hit it slightly on the side. It gave of a low humming tune which the brunette felt in her hands.

"Oh!" She placed one hand on the side and felt the vibrations ebb away through her touch.

"This is nice. How does it sound? Do they all sound the same or do they have different sounds?"

Santana grabbed the paper again.

_It depends on the size and the thickness of the walls. The smaller the bowl, the higher the tone. This one has a warm, deep resonance. We chose one rather by touch than by sound, _Santana offered a little shyly. _But luckily this one came with a nice resonance. Lay on your stomach._

Rachel had a doubtful look on her face but nevertheless she did as Santana asked her to. Then she felt the bowl be placed on the small of her back and as the Latina started doing _something_ with it, she felt the soft vibrations start spreading through her torso.

"Oh, this feels nice! Keep doing that!" Rachel sighed blissfully which made the Latina laugh.

After a moment Santana shifted the bowl a bit higher on Rachel's back and caused the petit woman to grasp in surprise.

"Wow, it feels like every cell in my chest is moving! But in a different way that what I experienced with the headphones. This is…. Softer, somehow, but still it feels like it reaches all the way down to my fingertips. This is great. Where did you get it?"

Santana stopped her movement to scribble her answer, but Rachel interrupted her.

"Tell me later, continue doing whatever you were doing," she then laughed and Santana did as asked, glad that their present seemed to be a success.

Quinn came out of the bedroom at that moment, still looking a bit sleepy.

"Hey, what's that noise?" She asked, before she saw what Santana was doing.

"It's our – Kurt, Blaine and my - birthday present to Rachel. Guess you also profit from it. It's a singing bowl…"

"Yeah, I know. I had once a massage with these things. They are great to relax. That was a nice idea!"

Rachel sensed that there was a something going on as the movements on her back seemed to become less rhythmic and unsteady, so she opened her eyes and lifted her head.

"Hey," she greeted her girlfriend.

"Hey. Enjoy your present?" Quinn signed while speaking aloud.

"I think she does. But maybe you want to take over?" Santana asked Quinn with a smirk.

The blonde looked at her blissfully grinning girlfriend and laughed. "Yeah, maybe I should."

They swapped places and Santana showed Quinn how to use the drum stick.

Rachel's eyes closed again. "Santana, where did you get this? This really is a very nice idea." Then she remembered that she had to open her eyes if she wanted to see the answer.

As Quinn's hands were occupied, Santana scribbled her answer down.

_A client of mine offers such massages and sells this kind of bowls. She brought one with her to one of our training sessions and showed me how they worked. And it felt so nice and relaxing that I though this could be a nice present for you. _

"This must have been expensive."

Santana shrugged. _Don't worry about that. Besides, between the three of us it was ok. Enjoy your birthday. Have to leave again in half an hour, but I'll see you tonight for dinner._

"Okay, great, see you! And thank you again!"

Rachel had invited her friends for a birthday dinner that evening. Kurt, Jenna and Blaine had agreed to come and each would bring something to eat so Rachel would not have to cook the whole dinner. That was a nice gesture from her friends, she thought.

Then she focused back on the soothing massage she received and sighed blissfully.

After a little while, Quinn suggested that they move to their bedroom, so she could experience it on her naked skin. Rachel did not have to be asked twice about it.

She even offered to give Quinn some of the same treatment and both women switched back and forth, interlacing some other tender massage techniques.

At around noon, Quinn coaxed her girlfriend softly out of her embrace. They had cuddled together after finally putting the bowl aside and enjoyed holding each other in their arms. Rachel had her head on the blonde's chest and one hand on her lover's stomach while Quinn lay on her back and softly massaged her girlfriend's shoulders with one hand.

"Hey sweetie," she said softly while she tapped Rachel lightly on the shoulder.

"Hmmmm?" Came the reply, feeling the vibration in Quinn's chest, Rachel guessed that she had talked to her.

Quinn tried to position her hands so that Rachel could see them. This was a bit awkward as she had to loop her left arm around the other woman's shoulder. Rachel apparently did not seem inclined to move much and Quinn had to chuckle a bit.

_We need to get dressed and grab something to eat._

"Do we? I'm just so comfortable," Rachel mumbled and Quinn felt her jaw move on her skin.

_Yes. Unless you want to miss the next fun part of your birthday,_ Quinn teased her.

That provoked the intended reaction. The brunette lifted her head and looked at her.

"What part? What have you planned?" The excited gleam in her brown eyes made Quinn smile.

_Get dressed and you'll see!_

Rachel frowned. She was so curious and wanted desperately to know what her lover had planned.

"Ok. But what shall I wear if I don't know where I'm going?" She pointed out logically.

_Just whatever you feel like wearing today, something comfortable. No dressing up. Yet._

_Yet_? Rachel repeated the sign. "What else have you planned, Quinn Fabray?"

Quinn raised her head a bit and placed a kiss on her girlfriend's forehead.

_You will see. Now, we have to get going, otherwise we'll be too late, come on_, and she shooed Rachel up and out of bed. Of course not without getting the appropriate grumbling from her girlfriend at rushing her so much.

They quickly wolfed down a simple sandwich before leaving.

While heading towards the front door of the building, Rachel tried again to needle their destination out of Quinn.

"Where are we going? It's my birthday. You have to tell me!"

The blonde shook her head with a mischievous grin. "No."

"Yes, you do! It's a birthday rule!" Rachel sulked. She hated not knowing things.

Quinn stopped and turned to face the brunette.

_A birthday rule?_ She asked with one signature raised eyebrow.

Rachel bobbed her head up and down. "Yes. The person whose birthday it is can wish for everything and all others have to comply." She stated confidently which drew a laugh from Quinn.

_Really? Is that so?_

"Hmh! Yes, it is."

Quinn kept smiling, seeing little six years old Rachel in front of her, making everyone obey her wishes. It was kind of cute. She wondered if the obligatory stomp of the foot was coming if she stayed firm.

_You know, darling, that sounds like a rule you could impose on your dads, but with me, it's not working. _

"But…" Rachel closed her mouth again and quickly calculated her next move.

"Ok, what if I refuse to come with you? If I just stay here?"

_Then you'll spoil your own birthday present and I'm still not going to tell you where we were supposed to go._

Quinn answered laughing and threw a challenging look at her smaller girlfriend who seemed to realize that she did not stand a chance here.

Rachel let her head hang low in a mock defeat. "Okaaaaay, fine. I'm coming.

Quinn placed a hand on the small of her back and pushed her slightly forward through the door. Outside she faced her again and stated:_ If you behave, I'm going to tell you another secret tonight._

Rachel perked up at that. "Oh, you do? What is it?"

Quinn shook her head amused by Rachel persistence. _Tonight_.

Then she waved at an approaching cab.

They both scooted in and the blond gave the driver the direction. She deliberately turned her head so that Rachel could not read her lips, which the former diva noticed, of course.

"You're mean," the brunette stated and the playfull pout was back.

_I know,_ was all that Quinn answered with a smile.


	37. Chapter 37

**Glee and its characters belong to Fox Network.**

**Actually I wanted to post 36 and 37 together in one chapter, but I had some minor reworks to do in this part. And since I didn't want to let you wait for an update more than a week, I had decided to split the chapter into two. But I hurried up with my refinements and here we go with the second part!**

**Many of you commented on Santana's, Kurt's and Blaine's present. I have two of those brass bowls at home and these things really have a wonderful sound and the vibrations feel so great! If you ever get the chance, try it out!**

**Summer1234, thanks again for the insights you shared with me!**

**Sole's stories, again I am very grateful for your beta-reading and your thoughts! Still excited to write that one chapter we talked about, soon!  
**

* * *

**Chapter 37**

They rode silently through the streets of the city and Rachel watched the tall buildings fly by. Once they neared Central Park she turned to look at Quinn.

"Are we going skating?" she asked torn between excitement and worry. "I should have brought a thicker jacket."

Quinn shook her blonde locks.

_No honey. Don't you think I would have told you to bundle up if I had planned to spend the afternoon outside? _

Their destination loomed ahead and Rachel still did not catch on. Once the cab stopped, they got out and the brunette raised her head, looking at the tall building with the four huge columns flanking the arched entrance above the stairs. The whole structure was really beautiful and it was one of the first public buildings she had visited once she had settled down in New York.

"Are we going into the Museum of Natural History?" She turned and asked Quinn who joined her on the sidewalk after having paid the cab driver.

Quinn smiled. _Not quite._

She took Rachel's hand and tugged her along.

Rachel threw her other hand into the air and huffed: "Ok, I give up."

Quinn quickly turned and placed a kiss on Rachel's lips, smiling, absolutely raveling in the cluelessness of her girlfriend. With a jerk of her head she moved off again, pushing Rachel forward with a hand on the small of her back. The brunette started moving again, but not without giving off another comment.

"You are lucky that I trust you. That I don't think you're a serial killer who's gonna drag me off into the dark corners of the park to finish me off. Or that I think…" Rachel's rambling was interrupted by Quinn spinning round again, standing in front of the smaller woman, blocking her path. Her movement was so quick that Rachel could not stop in time and bumped into Quinn.

"Ooomph. A little warning would have been in order. What now?" Rachel asked with a frown.

Quinn ignored the question.

_To finish you off?_ She asked with a smirk, repeating Rachel's earlier words.

Rachel shrugged casually with one shoulder, throwing a challenging look at Quinn.

_I'd like to finish you off, but in a different way than you think,_ the blonde commented nipping then at Rachel's lips, letting a finger slowly trace along her girlfriend's jaw and throat. The tender touch caused the brunette to grasp and she involuntarily closed her eyes for a second. When she opened them again, she saw Quinn sign another comment.

_But here is neither the right time nor the right place, and I have a present to deliver. So let's go!_ And she tugged again at Rachel's hand.

Rachel was still caught in the sensation of feeling Quinn's finger slide down her skin and her teeth on her lips. She let herself be pulled along, unable to say anything.

They passed the entrance of the museum and rounded the building entering 81st street. Before Rachel could ask any more questions, Quinn pointed to the glass encased structure. Underneath the glass façade loomed a huge sphere, around three stories high.

"The Planetarium? That's where we're going?" Rachel asked excited. "Oh, I love it! I haven't been there for ages. Even as a kid I have always loved the show about the stars, you know, the one where you sit in that round theater and they display the whole night sky above you on the ceiling?"

Quinn had to smile at the excitement Rachel exuded, short of skipping along the sidewalk next to her.

_You like the surprise?_

The smaller woman bobbed her head not taking her eyes off the building.

Then all of a sudden she stopped and turned to Quinn, her eyes dark as if a light had been switched off.

"Oh, but …what will we be doing there? It's not like … it's not like I can listen to the tour guide or to the descriptions of the star constellations in the movie theater."

The blonde gently cupped Rachel's chin and lifted her head. "Look at me," she said. When Rachel's eyes focused on her, she continued signing.

_Do you think I'd let you run through a normal tour?_

"No, I guess not," Rachel had to admit in a small voice. "Sorry, I was just … I guess, I was remembering last time I was there and I loved it so much."

Quinn placed a gentle kiss on her girlfriend's forehead.

_I promise you'll like it again._

At that moment a white flake settled on Rachel's nose and coaxed a smile out of the brunette. "Look Quinn, it's snowing! I had expected it to snow earlier this year, but it didn't until today! Oh! I love it!"

Rachel's joy about the snow was contagious and Quinn looked skywards and let the flakes fall onto her face. Sticking out her tongue she caught some and let them melt in her mouth. Laughing, the pulled on Rachel's hand and motioned towards the building.

"Right. Planetarium. Here we come!" Rachel smiled. "I hope it won't stop snowing in the meantime!"

They walked under the wide arch that marked the entry of the Rose Center for Earth and Space which hosted the Hayden Planetarium. Every time either woman stepped into the building they were impressed with the futuristic architecture of the whole construction. It almost felt like stepping into a space station looking out for the next ship to leave into orbit.

After depositing their coats at the wardrobe counter and collecting their tickets, Quinn and Rachel met an official guide who took them on a tour through the Space Center and Planetarium. There were another handful of visitors joining them in the excursion.

The guide – his name was Ben as his name tag indicated – talked and used sign language in parallel. Rachel was truly surprised; she had not known that the Space Center offered such a service. She understood most of the interpretations, but some of the specific terms were unknown to the brunette and she had to ask a few times to get an explanation.

Carmen had taught her the basic "_space_" vocabulary, but they had only covered the topic superficially. Rachel knew the signs for some planets, and basics like _eclipse_, _orbit_ and _universe_, but anything else was still unknown to her.

Ben was very patient and finger-spelled the signs she had not understood or sometimes pointed at the respective word on a board behind him. There were high quality illustrated fiberglass boards with pictures and explanations hug at the walls or placed in front of the exhibits.

Rachel eagerly soaked up each new sign she learned and Quinn had to smile when she noticed Rachel repeat each one for herself, silently voicing the corresponding word with it. Quinn was not sure how much Rachel actually understood. Getting to know both ways of communication, she had the advantage of being able to compare the actual spoken words and the interpretations. As they walked from one exhibit to the next, she lightly pulled on Rachel's sleeve. The brunette turned towards her and Quinn posed her question:

_Can I ask you something?_

Rachel arched an eyebrow. "Yes, but why do you need my permission?"

Quinn bit her lip, and then cautiously formed the signs. _How much do you understand of what our guide is explaining?_

Rachel searched Quinn's face, wondering where that question came from.

"I get the context, most of it, anyway." She answered slowly. "Though I don't understand everything. The technical terms are a bit difficult to figure out and I don't want to keep asking all the time. It helps reading the explanation boards. That kind of fills the gap. Why?"

Quinn shrugged. _Just … wondering._

She saw the big brown eyes looking at her with an quizzical expression, trying to find the real reason behind the question. Then the blonde looped an arm around Rachel's shoulders and squeezed her lightly to reassure her before she started signing.

_I just don't want this to be too much of a burden,_ Quinn frowned slightly while her hands moved through the air.

Rachel looked confused. "What do you mean by that?"

_I mean that this should not be a work out or a sign language lesson. I just wanted this to be something fun and relaxing for you. And now I just realized that it's not. That you still have to work to figure things out. I'm sorry that I didn't think that far. _

Quinn dropped her hands with a weary look on her face.

Now Rachel knew what was really eating Quinn.

"Quinn, for me every situation is like that. Every interaction with another person still costs me a lot of concentration. The more people the more difficult it is. Yes, it is exhausting at times, but please don't let that spoil the mood for today ok? Because I actually really love that stuff here and I still think this is a wonderful surprise taking me here."

Rachel kissed Quinn softly and with an imploring look she coaxed an "okay" from Quinn's lips. Then she noticed the group moving further away and indicated for them to follow.

"Come on, let's go."

A little later the tour ended in front of the doors of the sphere. Afterwards, Rachel had to admit that the best part was the film in the round theater where everything was projected above their heads onto the round cupola ceiling.

Rachel looked around and was surprised to see that despite it being a weekday in the early afternoon, the theater was still quite full. There was a school class with seventh graders who communicated in ASL amongst each other. Apparently, they had had another tour guide as the kids had not been in Quinn's and Rachel's group.

Settling back into the slightly reclined chairs, Rachel took Quinn's hand and laced her fingers through her girlfriend's. She had no idea how she was going to follow the explanations, when she saw subtitles appear at the lower part of the ceiling. Apparently, this belonged to the guided sign language tour. Gratefully she squeezed Quinn's hand.

"Do they always have the subtitles or is this just now?" She whispered in Quinn's direction.

Quinn made the sign for "_now_", moving both hands down in parallel, palms up, fingers bent, hoping Rachel could see it in the dark. Out of the corner of her eyes she noticed her girlfriend nod and settled back into her chair.

Rachel followed the whole show with interest and was again captivated by the great display of the starry night sky that was projected above her head. It was so fascinating to watch the dusk and dawn in a time wrapper, to see how the stars shifted their position – well, she knew that it was actually the earth that moved – and was sometimes so lost in staring at the ceiling that she forgot to read the subtitles.

Quinn threw a glance at her girlfriend from the side and found it endearing how Rachel tried to soak up everything that was being shown.

At one point, Rachel remembered that they also used to play music in the background and asked Quinn if they still did it. She guessed so, because she felt some vibrations once in a while through the chair and in her chest.

Quinn nodded and Rachel thought that the audio visual track was probably not separated, so they would just run the "normal" film and add the subtitles if needed.

The movie lasted about twenty minutes and was over too quickly for Rachel's taste. But the best part happened at the end. Just before the lights came on, the cupola lit up again in the star sign of the Sagittarius and below appeared a text that most definitely did not belong to the original program.

_Remember the gold star._

_Happy birthday, Rachel!_

Rachel gasped and let out an "Oh no! You didn't!"

Quinn laughed and nodded to say _yes, I did. _And she was sure that Rachel was blushing.

The brunette leaned over and kissed Quinn, which caused some of the kids behind them to hoot and the blonde had to laugh, explaining to Rachel the reason for her mirth.

Then the lights were switched on and washed away the last trace of the night sky that just minutes ago had filled the air above their heads.

"Oh Quinn, that was great! I loved the show and the whole explanation of the constellations. On the next clear night we definitely have to check for some of the star pictures that can be seen now on the winter sky!" Rachel exclaimed as they walked towards the exit.

Rachel's enthusiasm lit Quinn's face up with a genuine and grateful smile. She was relieved and happy that her idea had been conceived with so much excitement, despite her worries.

_I'm glad you liked it! _The blond answered modestly.

"Liked it? I loved it!" Rachel corrected her. She stopped and laid a hand on Quinn's arm. When the blonde turned around, Rachel pulled her into a tight embrace. Half whispering into Quinn's ear she said:

"Thank you for this wonderful present! But how on earth did you get them to display that text?"

Quinn shrugged. _One of the guys who works here - we met at Yale - still owed me a favor. And I thought that was the right time to cash it in._

"Oh, and you did it for me? That's so sweet!" And Rachel searched her girlfriend's lips again with her own to share a tender and loving kiss.

Rachel thought back to the birthdays that she had celebrated with one or the other boyfriend and even though the degree of personalization in the presents varied, none of them had come even close to what Quinn had given her. Yes, most of the presents had been nice, but not one of the guys had really thought beyond offering something that was just "nice". Was it because they had not loved each other enough to bother for more thoughtful presents or was it just a guy thing? Rachel did not want to generalize this as a gender thing; there were probably enough men out there who made beautiful presents. It was just that with her ex-boyfriends it had not 'clicked' as is had with Quinn.

Everything seemed to fall into place with her.

"Where did you get the idea of taking me to the planetarium?" Rachel asked. She could not remember that they had talked about it before. So she was genuinely curious what had made her girlfriend come up with this idea in the first place.

Quinn laughed and joked: _As obsessed as you were with putting a gold star behind your name every time you signed something, I figured you must like it here. _

"I wasn't obsessed," Rachel mumbled.

_Yes, you were! You alone must have kept that little company alive that produced those little stickers,_ Quinn retorted.

"Oh, puh, yeah. Maybe. Okaaaayyyy... I was a teeny tiny bit obsessed with that."

Quinn raised an eyebrow.

"Ok, a lot! There I said it." Rachel then admitted chuckling. "At least I know I did a good deed and secured some people their jobs," she then stated and jutted out her chin.

Quinn had to laugh at that while Rachel started smiling and patiently waited for the real explanation.

"Sooooo…." She prompted her girlfriend again after Quinn would not offer anything further.

The blonde smiled bashfully before she took a breath and started signing again.

_Maybe it's a bit… _She paused and then asked:_ How do you spel y, _using the finger alphabet for the last word. Rachel thought for a moment, then shrugged.

"I guess you just use the sign for cheese? Not sure. But I get what you want to say."

"Ok," Quinn answered and started signing anew.

_Anyway, I recently looked through some old high school stuff with Santana and we remembered how you always put a small gold star next to your name. So I just thought that... _Quinn paused for a moment, before continuing,_ …you know, you shouldn't lose faith in your dream. And after telling me that you would like to stay in the show business and try acting again, well, I thought a little reminder of "your star" would not hurt, metaphorically speaking. Told you it was a bit c-h-e-e-s-y. _She added.

Rachel stepped forward and cupped Quinn's face with both her hands.

"I ... Quinn, that is so sweet and so thoughtful and," she laughed, "yes, a bit cheesy, but such a unique present. Thank you so much!"

And she rose on her toes to place another kiss on Quinn's lips.

The blonde eagerly answered, relieved that the thought was so well received. Making their way towards the exit, the blond could not wipe the happy grin off her face. She absolutely liked how the day had progressed and how Rachel had loved all of her ideas so far. But most of all she liked the happy smile on her girlfriend's features.

When they left the building, the ground was covered in white and the flakes were still coming down, bigger and heavier than before. Rachel buttoned her coat and pulled on her gloves. There were already a good ten centimeters of snow on the ground. Every year, she was amazed at how quickly the snow accumulated within a relative short time frame once it started snowing. The petite woman let her feet slide through the white mass and then looked up at the sky with a wide smile.

"The first real snow this year!" She exclaimed excited spreading her arms, holding her palms up in the air. Blinking into the white swirling mass she laughed as it tickled her eyelashes.

Quinn thought in that instant that she had the most beautiful and gorgeous woman as her girlfriend. Rachel seemed so carefree at that moment, completely entranced by the snowflakes landing on her hands and face. It was a precious moment and all Quinn could do was soak it up and store the picture in her memory. She was glad that she could actually see Rachel so genuinely happy. Quickly, she fished her phone out of her pocket and snapped a photo to capture the moment.

After dropping the phone back in her bag, Quinn stepped closer and wrapped her arms around the smaller woman and kissed her passionately on the lips. Then she watched a large and perfectly shaped snowflake land on her lover's cheek which the former cheerleader could not resist to kiss away. Rachel crinkled her nose and smiled while ice crystals accumulated in her dark hair that peeked out from under the bonnet. The white snow against the dark hair created a beautiful contrast. Quinn could see the perfect shapes of the flakes and marveled at the beauty of what nature was able to create, even in small sizes.

Again, Quinn captured the brunette's lips in a loving kiss.

Rachel leaned back laughing, one hand holding her bonnet to prevent it from sliding off her head.

"What was that for?" Not waiting for an answer, she pulled Quinn at her hand and skipped a couple of paces until they were further away from the entrance. The blonde let herself be swept away and followed, giggling with her girlfriend like small school children.

Rachel looked on the ground and noticed what she was looking for. Carefully, she stepped off the path onto the patch of untouched snow and tread from one foot to the other.

Looking up she asked Quinn: "Does it make a noise? You know that crunchy sound when you first step on fresh snow. Can you hear it?"

The blonde joined her girlfriend in the untouched snow and mimicked her treading footsteps. Her head slightly tilted to one side, she listened. Meeting Rachel's expectant gaze with big brown eyes, she raised her hands.

_Yes, it crunches a little bit. Do you… do you remember that sound? _She dared to ask.

Rachel nodded. "Yes, I do. I started to notice that I sometimes automatically allocate the respective sound in my head to something I see."

Quinn thought about that for a moment. _Like what? What do you remember, besides music?_ She then asked curiously.

Rachel shrugged. "For example rain drops falling on the window, the sound that cars make when they drive on a wet street, the sound of a subway train when it arrives, the crunching of snow," she then smiled.

Quinn stepped a bit to the side where more untouched snow lay and slowly pressed her foot down. Looking back over her shoulder she saw Rachel watch her with her head tilted to the side, and expectant look on her face.

_Yes. It definitely has that crunchy newly-fallen-snow-sound when you step on it,_ Quinn stated smiling.

"Oh, good!" Rachel watched her girlfriend stomp around in the white mass a little more. "Can we take a morning stroll tomorrow if it will snow through the night, please? I'd love to take a walk in the snow, especially when it is still fresh and white!"

How could Quinn say no to those eyes that held her gaze and radiated such joy, excitement and happiness? She stepped forward and enveloped her girlfriend in an embrace, lifting her slightly, twirling her in a circle.

Rachel held on to Quinn and let out a small yelp before she started giggling again.

Landing safely back on her feet she gazed at Quinn. Those hazel eyes were full of love and at that moment, Rachel felt that no matter what, Quinn loved her truly and deeply. She placed a hand on Quinn's neck and pulled her close for a kiss.

"Oh god, I love you so much, Quinn. I love you so, so, so much!" Raising on her toes Rachel kissed girlfriend with undenying passion. She let her tongue explore, intensifying the contact more and more, showing her through that kiss how much she loved her; loved her for planning such a great birthday, loved her for accepting her, loved her for sharing silly moments in the snow, loved her for answering her questions honestly and caring.

Quinn answered eagerly in the same fashion, again being mesmerized by how much one kiss could communicate if shared with the right person, with your soul mate, when all kisses she had shared before, had merely been just that, kisses. With Rachel, they were so much more. They were promises, confessions, consolations, encouragements, means of communication and most of all proof of their love.

"Thank you for this day," the blonde heard a husky whisper close to her ear and it sent goose bumps along her skin.

Quinn leaned back a little, so Rachel could see her lips. "You're welcome," she answered simply, at a loss for more words, still being caught in the moment. She felt that Rachel understood that there was so much more behind those three words. As they held each other for a long moment in their embrace, the snowflakes were slowly drawing a white polka dot pattern on their clothes and hair.

Finally, they let go of each other.

_Let's go home, before you catch another cold, sweetie,_ Quinn suggested.

"'kay," Rachel agreed and took Quinn's hand in hers, walking side by side towards 81st street.

Reaching Central Park Avenue, they saw a traffic jam already forming due to the falling snow.

"Looks like we either have to walk back or take the subway." Rachel stated.

"Hm." Quinn looked pensive. _Guess so. But as I have something else planned for today, I want you to conserve your strength, so let's take the sub._

Rachel arched an eyebrow. "Planned something else? That sounds interesting, but you have already done so much for me today."

_Is there a limit on how many presents Rachel Berry can receive on her birthday_? Quinn teased.

"No, never!" Rachel laughed.

_Thought so!_

They arrived at home safely, snuggled up on the couch with a hot tea and warmed their cold hands on the cups.

"Sooooooo, what else have you planned for us today?" Rachel wanted to know, watching Quinn, who was carefully blowing on her tea to cool it down, from the side.

The blonde looked up and debated with herself what and how much to tell her. Then she decided that it might be only fair – considering the circumstance – to give Rachel at least a hint. She did not want her to feel uncomfortable and after all she was not a complete hundred percent sure if her idea would be good or not. Especially not after Rachel's comment at the Space Center that afternoon about having to make an effort in every situation.

Quinn bent forward and placed her cup on the table, before turning slightly towards Rachel. She looked at her for a moment, trying to find the right words.

"What? Is it that difficult to describe?" the brunette smiled.

Quinn slowly shook her head. _No. _

"Then what? Come on, Quinn, I won't bite you, whatever it is. I promise!"

"Oh," the blonde stated almost disappointed. _I like biting, and nipping and licking and sucking_ she then added signing with a little smirk.

Rachel slapped her on the knee. "Pervert! Now tell me!"

_Ok. I want to take you out. A special place._

"_Another_ special place?"

_Yes._

"And you're not sure about that why exactly….?" She dragged out the last words and let her voice trail off in a question.

_I'm not sure because I don't know how you'll feel about that. _

Rachel studied her girlfriend for a moment. She noticed the insecurity in her lover's eyes, but also the hope that she would like whatever the actress had planned. And she knew that Quinn would never deliberately try to harm or hurt her. Rachel placed a hand on the blonde's knee.

"If you think I might like it, then I won't ask anything else. I trust you."

_Big responsibility, _Quinn sighed and swallowed.

"Yes!" Rachel laughed. "What do I need to wear?"

_Jeans, anything casual and nice. _

"Nice? Nice as in sexy-nice or nice as in prude-nice?"

_Nice as in I want everyone to envy me for my beautiful girlfriend but don't want them to see too much of her best assets,_ Quinn described, trying to divert from the fact that she was still trying to figure out if all of it really was a good plan or not.

Rachel seemed to catch on to her uneasiness. Sometimes it was really creepy how she picked up on the smallest vibes, when Quinn was so sure she hid all her thoughts and emotions behind her schooled mask. But there was no fooling her girlfriend; much less that she was developing such good skills at observing and reading people.

"Listen, if you are so worried that I might not like it or feel uncomfortable, either you tell me about it now, or we agree that whenever I should get the feeling I want to leave we immediately do so. Would that work for you?"

Quinn nodded, then smiled shyly and a bit relieved. _Funny that you have to assure me about the whole thing, if it should be the other way round, actually. _

Rachel shrugged. "You can't always plan for all eventualities, Quinn. I'll try and we see how it goes. As long as I know I theoretically have the possibility to bail at any given moment, I'll go wherever you are taking me."

In retrospect Rachel was surprised about herself and her answer. It seemed again that she had grown a little more, had gained a little more confidence and trust in herself to manage a new situation as well as in the people around her to support her.

Quinn nodded slowly. "Okay." _That sounds fair enough_.

"Good. Now wipe that frown off your face and smile!" Rachel ordered, gently wiping her fingers across her girlfriend's brow.

The blonde managed to erase the doubts from her mind and leaned into Rachel. She pushed a little with her hands on her girlfriend's shoulders while kissing her, until the other woman fell sideways on the couch, chuckling. Quinn noticed that Rachel smiled and laughed a lot that day. And it was not forced or false, it seemed genuine and honest. For the first time in a long time she seemed truly happy and almost carefree.

And that made one Quinn Fabray very, very happy.


	38. Chapter 38

**Usual Glee disclaimer...**

**Thanks again a whole lot to Sole's stories for beta-reading and patiently discussing and sharing ideas! **

**This is one of the longest chapter I have written so far. I shortly debated with myself to cut it in half, but then decided to post it as it is. You have followed me throught all my chapters, patiently waiting for updates, giving reviews, marking this story as your favorite ... so I figures I might as well give you this one undivided :-)**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter 38**

Rachel, Quinn and Santana rummaged around the kitchen to get the table set and their contribution for the dinner ready. Shortly before the dinner guests arrived, Rachel's phone buzzed. As it lay on the kitchen counter, she did not notice it, but Santana was alerted by the sound. She waved to get Rachel's attention and then pointed to the device.

The brunette put the spoon with which she ladled the sauce over the casserole down and walked over to check the message. Her dads had sent her a text to ask if she were available on Skype so they could congratulate her.

Five minutes later she sat in Quinn's bedroom with her girlfriend's laptop and waited for her fathers to call. Soon both their faces filled the screen and Rachel almost had to laugh as both men tried to fit their heads in front of the camera.

"Hi Honey!" Hiram waved.

"Hey dad, daddy," Rachel answered and Leroy's face glowed at hearing his daughter's voice.

_We want to…._ Leroy started to sign, then turned to his husband asking him something. Rachel narrowed her eyes and tried to read his lips, but as his head was turned, she couldn't see what he was saying. When Hiram showed him the sign for "wish", it was clear what he had asked.

_We want to wish you a happy birthday, sweetie!_ And both threw some kisses at the camera.

_Can you feel our hugs?_

Rachel tilted her head, closed her eyes and pulled up her shoulders, smiling.

_Yes, I can. Feels good. Thank you! _She signed back automatically, then looked at her hands.

Funny how she still preferred to use sign language with her dads when with all the other people around her she used her voice.

_Did you have a good day?_ Hiram asked then.

She nodded. "Yes." _Quinn took me to the planetarium, now we have some friends coming over for dinner, _she added signing.

A text appeared next to her dad's faces. _Quinn took you where? What was that sign?_

Rachel slowly started to finger-spell the word P-L-A-N… then dropped her hand. "The Planetarium," she explained aloud and repeated the sign, watching her dads mimicking her movements.

Another line appeared. _Quinn took you there?_

It was clear that there were three million another question lying behind this one. Like, are you friends again? Why did she abandon you all those years ago? Why did _she_ take you to the planetarium? Have you told her that you loved that as a child? If not how did she get the idea? Were other friends there as well or just the two of you?

Rachel chewed on her lower lip and debated whether to finally tell her parents about her relationship with Quinn or not. It was almost three months now. Did she really want to do it via Skype and not tell them personally? Then again, if she told them now, they would have some time to digest the news until she came home for Hanukkah. And it would not need an explanation why Quinn would probably spend so much time at her house, the blonde's relationship with her family being what it was – distant, to say the least.

But this wasn't just going to be the plain "dads, I am in a relationship again" talk. This would be the - "dads, I fell in love with a woman and since this is not shocking enough it is not just any woman but the woman who always picked on me in high school and who abandoned me four years ago and who I have been in love with for the past nine years"- talk.

Sure, easy enough, summing it up like that.

Rachel let out a long breath.

Another string of words appeared in the text box.

_Ok, honey, out with it. What's wrong? You seemed kind of happy the past weeks when we talked. What happened? We feel a bit like hanging in the air. Not that we don't want to see you happy, it's just, we are wondering what or who makes you so happy. _

'_Well, it's not you, still having to type the most basic things,_' Rachel thought and then with a bad consciousness pushed the feeling of disappointment aside.

"Ok, listen. This will probably surprise you, but….well, Quinn and I," Rachel looked at her hands as if they could explain her situation better. Then to her own surprise she felt tears stinging in her eyes.

_What? Rachel, what's wrong? Did you two have a fight? _The questions appeared rapidly one after the other on the screen.

Rachel waved her hands in front of her to ward of more concern. "No, no! Nothing like that. Actually, it's the other way around. Uhm," she sniffed, trying to stop the tears from falling.

Thinking about her dad's questions and how a happy day her birthday really had been, filled her heart with so much love for Quinn. Her girlfriend gave her something she had never expected to ever experience again. She felt full of joy, felt so loved and at least for some rare moments almost carefree again. This day she was able to focus on the moment and not on being deaf, like most of the time.

Seeing the worried faces of her dads, she had to laugh a little through her tears. "Daddy, dad, don't look so glum. This has been one of the best days of my life, recently. I'm not crying because I'm sad, but because I'm actually…kind of happy," she smiled.

_Ok, that's good, isn't it? _Hiram reassured himself signing.

Now Rachel really had to laugh. "Yes, it is good! And … Quinn is the reason why I feel like this." '_Now, spill the beans, Rachel, you have ventured too far out to paddle back again_,' she encouraged herself. Taking a deep breath she felt the words rush out of her mouth, before she could swallow them.

"Quinn and I, uh, we fell in love with each other. Not just now… it was already a long time ago, but we only realized it just now. And when we met again by chance a couple of months ago, well, then it just kind of happened."

_What happened?_ The written question as accompanied by two confused faces.

"Oh, um, that we kissed."

There, it was out. Rachel exhaled slowly.

Her dad's eyes went wide and they exchanged an astonished look. Then Hiram's fingers hit the keyboard.

_So you're saying you two are together?_

"Yes."

Rachel watched her dads closely. At first they did not move. For a short second Rachel thought the screen had frozen, but then the two men looked at each other and back at their daughter.

_What do you mean, you fell in love a long time ago, how long ago are we talking about?_ Was the first and in Rachel's eyes not the most logical question that appeared on screen after breaking the news.

"Uh, about nine years…" she mumbled, knowing full well that this revelation would probably be hard to grasp.

"Nine years?" Leroy exclaimed - which was easy enough to understand by reading his lips.

Now some things fell into perspective for the two dads.

"Hmhm." Rachel simply answered, waiting if any other comment came. Then she prompted them after a moment.

"You don't have anything to say to the fact that … I'm in love with a woman?"

That seemed to wake her dads from their stasis.

"Honey, that is quite a revelation. Not that we are against it, it's just that we never thought you'd be …" Hiram's rambling was interrupted by his daughter waving her hands frantically in front of the camera.

"Dad. Dad!" Finally she had his attention. "I can't hear what you are saying. Remember? And you're talking too fast for me to read your lips."

_Sorry, honey,_ he had the good grace to sign. _Got carried away. _The next comment appeared again on the screen.

_Yes, it is a surprise to us that you fell in love with a woman. It's just something we never really considered, we thought you were into boys, and that was fine with us. We can relate, you know :-)_

The last comment provoked a smile on Rachel's face.

_Honey, it is not important whether you fall in love with a man or a woman. The most important thing is to fall in love at all. To be able to find this one true and real love. The one that makes you happy and whole. In which body it comes disguised, you never know. So if Quinn is this love for you – even though we still need to get the details on how that happened – then we are happy for you! _

_This is all that we wish for you, that any parents wish for their children. To see them happy. And especially after all you have gone through, we are very glad to see you happy. (If we could we'd both squeeze you in a sandwich hug now, pumpkin!_

Rachel had to laugh at the last statement. For a moment she forgot her anger at her dads. This was why she loved them so much. They _could_ be understanding, encouraging and supporting.

Another line flickered across the screen.

_But nine years? Really? You were still in high school, then…_

That was a fact that her dads seemed to have to chew on, it seemed.

"Yeah. I know it sounds crazy. I guess we both didn't realize it then, but we know now that we were attracted to each other already then. Even though it caused some, uh, let's say strange reactions from both of us towards each other."

_Yes, you could say that. You know that we want ALL the details about this whole story when you're home, right?_

"Yes, I know! You'll get them, I promise. And, if that is ok with you, I'd like Quinn to visit us, so you get to know her. She has changed a lot from the high school girl you knew, though she still feels very guilty about her behavior then."

_Well, we look forward to meeting her. If you are happy and you tell us that she is treating you right, then that is word enough for us. Tell her that she is welcome in our house, _Hiram typed smiling.

Rachel let out a small sigh of relief. Not that she had feared her dad's reaction, but she was nevertheless glad having told them. It was good to know that she would not have to hold back on that part of her life anymore. This would make it easier to talk to them in the future.

_Thank you. That means a lot to me. To us,_ Rachel smiled back while signing. She was about to tell them that she had to go to prepare the dinner for her guest, when Leroy typed something else. She waited patiently until the words appeared for her to read.

_Rachel, we didn't send you your present. I hope it is okay if we give it to you when we'll see you in a couple of days._

Rachel looked at the screen for a moment, not saying anything. She had not even thought about that. When she had still been living at home, she could not have received her presents early enough. Even as a teenager she had not had much patience to wait until her dads got up in the morning of her birthday. Often she woke them up what the two men felt like was in the middle of the night.

Mostly her presents had something do with music, obviously. A new microphone, a new recorder, a new camera, new sheet music, CDs, anything that had supported her growing talent. In more recent years they had usually planned a musical weekend, where they visited her in the city and went to see two or three shows or dramas on New York's stages.

Now she just felt uneasy trying to guess what her dads might have gotten her. It was not their fault that this part of her life was over, but she still felt the anger she thought she had a handle on surge up again. She couldn't stop the words before they were out of her mouth.

"You didn't have to get me anything. It would have been a nice present to have this conversation without the typing." She then added quietly: "Why can't you try to make it a little easier for me? I'm not asking to you be perfect in sign language, but I'd like to see you at least _trying_."

She watched as a look of guilt and hurt rushed over her father's faces. At that moment the bedroom door opened and a blonde head poked it.

_Sorry for disturbing you. Can we put the casserole into the oven?_ Quinn wanted to know.

Rachel held up a finger to ask her to wait. Then she signed her good bye to her dads.

_Have to go now, we'll have dinner guests. _She paused her hands for a moment, then forced herself to add the next words. _I'm sorry if my earlier comment came across a bit harsh. _She threw an apologetic smile at them._ Thanks for calling. I'll let you know what time we'll approximately arrive on the twenty-four__th__._

She added a small wave and hardly waited until her fathers answered with their own good byes, still looking guilty and hurt. Rachel felt a bit bad of having spoiled their mood with her comment about the present, and that she had not even given them a proper chance to reply to that. But their whole inconsiderate behavior around her still stung and made it clear once more that she definitely needed to explain and discuss a lot of things with them.

On the other hand she was really relieved that they had taken the news of her and Quinn so well.

She closed the laptop and pushed it away. Quinn came in and sat on the bed, placing a hand softly on Rachel's right cheek. The brunette leaned into the touch, then turned her head and kissed her girlfriend's palm.

_You ok?_ Quinn asked.

"Yes. I told my dads about us."

"Oh." _How did they take it? You don't sound happy. _

"Oh no, don't worry, they were absolutely ok with it. Came as a bit of a surprise, obviously, but all in all they took it in stride," she smiled for Quinn's benefit and to reassure her.

_Why do you look so sad then?_ The blonde wanted to know.

Rachel shook her head wanting to shake off the whole topic, but could not quite manage it.

"Just that whole signing thing. We talked for fifteen minutes and they managed to sign five sentences. Five! And even that took them forever. It's been how long? Nine months? I just don't get it, Quinn. Really, I don't. I'm their _daughter_! Isn't that the least they could do for me?"

_Yes it is. _Quinn placed a hand shortly on Rachel's leg before she continued signing.

_I think your dads still need to get to know you again, need to learn to deal with this whole situation. All of this has changed you, and it is hard for them to understand how to act around you if they don't see you every day. In fact, you haven't spent any time with them personally except for that one short visit from your dad that day when I came over, or have you?_

Quinn watched Rachel's eyes darken.

"No."

_I know you might not like to hear this, but try to put yourself into their shoes for a moment._

Rachel rolled her eyes a bit, but let her girlfriend continue.

_Your dads just know their former life with you, when they had you living with them for almost eighteen years. Even when you moved to New York, you still were close. _

Rachel cast her eyes down and fiddled with the blanket for a moment, before she concentrated back on her girlfriend.

_Now they have no idea how you deal with all this. They don't know half of the things you have accomplished these past months. They didn't see how you moved forward. Your dads are still stuck at the point where you sent them back home to Lima. They are missing half a year of your life, Rachel. _

Rachel bit her lips. There was some truth in Quinn's words.

"But you learned signing so quickly," she muttered under her breath.

_Yes, Rachel, because I spend every day with you, _Quinn smiled._ I experience so many things with you. This makes it so much easier for me to understand, learn and adapt. Your dads don't have that advantage. They just see you once in a while via Skype. And even then you don't really told them much about you. _

Rachel turned her head and looked away. Then she felt Quinn's gentle hand on her chin, coaxing her to focus back on her.

_Maybe you should reach out to them and bring them up to speed. This might also change their attitude. Because they would not see sign language as something that holds you back, but as a tool that helps you interact so much more. _

Then Quinn made a bold suggestion._ Maybe we should invite them to visit us here after the holidays. Then they can see you how you interact with all your friends and how your life has changed so far. _

The "yes" came very quietly over Rachel's lips. Quinn watched the emotions race across her girlfriend's features and gave her the time she needed to collect herself. She laid a reassuring hand on the brunette's knee.

Even though Rachel had indeed started to enjoy doing things with her friends again, she knew that she still had a long way to go to fully come to terms with her situation, if ever.

This accident had been so senseless and the man who caused it got away without many injuries. Why did she have to pay such a high price for some guy's carelessness? She had tried to not dwell on these thoughts, but they were still there. She had pushed them away, telling herself that there was nothing she could do about it anyway. Apparently, not dealing with these thoughts and feelings caused some part in her to react with this resentment towards her dads.

In a way her two fathers and their awkwardness around her stood as a representative of all she had lost. Hiram and Leroy had been her greatest supporters when it came to fulfilling her dreams and her career, they were the closest people she had in her life. Losing her dream had led to losing the connection with her parents as well in a way. They just felt as lost as she did.

She was not fair to her dads, Quinn was right. But life was not fair to her either.

It has just been nine months and learning to accept and to live with such a disability was anything but easy. It was a daily trial to be surrounded by so many hearing people if you were the only one who was deaf. The fact that most of them were also living the life Rachel still longed for so much was another challenge.

Since her friends were honestly trying so hard to help her, she could not really let out her anger at them. So her dads' insensitivity served as the trigger to vent some of it towards them. Just to give it all a face, something or someone tangible she could lash out at, even though nothing of this was their fault.

Quinn could not read Rachel's exact thoughts, but she had her own feeling about the reason why she reacted so harshly at her dads. The blonde did not know it, but her intuition told her almost the same of what Rachel had just found out herself.

After letting her girlfriend mull over her own thoughts for a moment longer, Quinn figured Rachel had pondered enough over this topic. They still had time to discuss this over the next days, her birthday was not the right time to get her spirits down. For now a distraction was in order.

_Come, on, sweetie! I'm sure it will help the whole situation when we talk to your dads when we're home for the holidays. Ok? _

Rachel nodded and Quinn placed a kiss on her soft lips. _Now, put that smile back on your face and let's enjoy the rest of your birthday. _The blonde got up and tugged at Rachel's hand. _Come on!_

The reassuring gesture brought indeed a smile back on the brunette's features and she let herself be pulled out of the room.

They finished preparing the dinner and shortly after that Kurt and Blaine already arrived. Blaine seemed a little more comfortable this time addressing Rachel. He had brought a notepad where he had already written something down.

_Happy birthday, Rachel! I hope you had a nice day and I hope you like our "sound machine" :-). Santana asked us if it was ok to already give it to you without us. We figured you had some time today to enjoy it._

Rachel smiled at him "Yes, thank you. I loved it. It was a very nice present."

Then she was enveloped in a bear hug by Kurt who swirled her in a circle a couple of times which made Rachel squeal in surprise. She had to hold on to his arm as he put her down again, because she had gotten a little dizzy.

_Sorry, didn't want to make you fall. Happy birthday, girl! _Kurt grinned while signing.

"I'm fine, don't worry. Thank you, too, for my present. We tested it already. It feels sooooo good," she then laughed.

Quinn came over and hugged her girlfriend from behind, saying "I got to try it on her the whole afternoon." The blonde stretched her arms forward so that her hands rested in front of Rachel's chest and signed the phrase again for her.

"Hm, yeah. That was really nice," Rachel sighed and leaned her head back against Quinn's shoulder.

Kurt clapped his hands together. "Enough of the lovy-dovy stuff, you have some hungry guests standing here," he then joked.

Rachel chuckled. "Sorry, why don't you give me your salad, thanks for bringing that by the way!" She lifted the bowl out of Blaine's hands. "Take a seat, we'll get you something to drink. Food will be ready soon. We just have to wait for Jenna."

"Sounds good."

Rachel turned towards the kitchen to deposit the salad on the counter.

Santana just came around the corner of her room, her mobile in her hand. "Guess we can already start, Jenna is still at rehearsals. She'll meet us later at the club." Santana sounded a little disappointed, her head still bent over the phone.

Rachel saw Quinn saying something in answer to Santana's comment. She did not know what the Latina had said, because no one had interpreted it for her and she was not facing Santana. And she still had a hard time asking, because it made it so obvious that she was left out. But _not_ asking also meant that she would stay out of the loop. Rachel felt her spirit drop a degree. She did not want that and she knew that her friends did not leave her out deliberately. Things like that just happened.

It still stung.

Busying herself, she checked the food in the oven and found it to be ready. Pulling the hot form out, she then placed it on top of the stove. Looking around, she found the coaster and placed it on the table.

Rachel felt her phone buzz in her pocket and pulled it out. It was a message from Jenna, telling her that she would not be able to join them for dinner, because of prolonged rehearsals. She wished her a happy birthday and would try to make it up to her. She felt bad for canceling at such short notice.

"Oh." Rachel looked up and found Quinn's eyes on her. "Jenna is not coming, she is stuck at the theater," Rachel explained a little disappointed.

Quinn and Santana exchanged a quick look. Rachel followed the silent exchange. "What?" she then asked quietly.

The blonde quickly explained with her hands. _Sorry. Jenna has also already sent a message to Santana. Santana just told us. _

"Oh."Rachel nodded and added after a moment of awkward silence: "Let's eat then." She picked up the casserole to bring it over to the table.

Quinn walked around the counter into the kitchen and held her by the arm. _Rachel, I'm sorry. I forgot to tell you what Santana had said. _

Her hazel eyes were sincere.

The brunette shrugged. "It's ok. I can't or rather I shouldn't get upset about every little thing I don't get." She looked at the troubled hazel eyes in front of her. "Let's sit down." Rachel added softly.

_No it's not ok. Not after what happened with your dads. _

"Quinn, really. I meant it. Let it go. I'm fine." Rachel implored.

Quinn glanced at the brown eyes that told her with a stern look to drop the subject.

_Okay._

Rachel really did not want to give it too much thought, but it still bugged her, despite what she had told Quinn. It was one thing missing unimportant stuff, but when it came to something that concerned her she wanted to know about it. She felt stupid telling people something that they already knew, because they had discussed a moment before.

They sat down and dug into the food. While munching, her friends asked Rachel what she had done for the day. After reassuring herself with a little smile and a look at her girlfriend that Quinn had not told them before, Rachel described her afternoon at the planetarium and her experience with the brass bowl.

The blonde squeezed her girlfriend's hand under the table in another apology. Rachel squeezed back and smiled at her. "It's fine, I'll live," she whispered in Quinn's direction and chuckled a bit.

_I'm glad, 'cause I want you around a little longer,_ Quinn joked.

"Guess that can be arranged!" Rachel quickly pecked a small kiss on her lover's cheek and then focused back on her food.

Kurt and Quinn were interpreting again their conversations, only this time Santana tried to bring her share of signs into the conversation. That helped Rachel to forget the awkward moment from before. Santana was really trying and even though Blaine still appeared a little nervous around her, he seemed not nearly as uncomfortable as before. Finally, Rachel managed to relax again and started to enjoy the dinner. It was especially funny watching Santana sign, because true to herself she tried to weave in as many swear words as possible whenever appropriate and Santana-slang would require it.

"Santana, it's really unbelievable, but I think you know more curse words in sign language than normal ones. I don't even have the faintest idea what that last sign was supposed to mean. And I'm not sure I want to know," Rachel laughed at one point during the conversation.

It was really incredible how the Latina managed even while signing to stick to her own personal style. Any other deaf person would probably have been either totally confused or deadly offended by her signing, but knowing the tall, dark haired woman for so long, Rachel loved every second of it. It also meant that she would be able to experience some of the Latina's unique way of expressing herself.

"Berry, can't have you becoming a total wuss now just because you can't hear my lovely Lima Height's speaking anymore. Someone needs to keep you educated!"

The Latina exclaimed and leaned on Quinn to get the correct signs for some words as Santana's ASL vocabulary reached its limit.

"Good Lord," Kurt rolled his eyes and moved his hands. "Sometimes I wish I were deaf when I hear you speak that ear drum insulting, grammatically toe-nail-curling English of yours," he told Santana and then turned to Rachel. "Sorry, bad joke, guess I shouldn't have said that!"

Rachel laughed. "You know, I have the advantage of just having to close my eyes and then I have no idea anymore what she's saying. Or signing." And she waved a dismissive hand in the Latina's direction.

"Lucky you!" Blaine threw in and Rachel read the words from his lips.

"Yeah, I know," she answered, looking very sincere as if she meant it, while Quinn had to bite her tongue to not laugh out loud at the light banter between her friends.

"Now who is rude here?" The Santana exclaimed. "Should you talk about a person if she is sitting right in front of you? Hello? Q, I'm appalled at the lack of table manners here."

"Yeah, me too," the blonde added after interpreting her friend's words, adding the explanation that Santana had uttered the last sentence in a perfectly mimicked British accent. Apparently she had picked that up from one of her clients.

"Gag me!" Rachel threw out and then started laughing, because she could not imagine the Latina speaking with that particular intonation. Not. At. All. Then she looked at Santana. "Seriously? A British accent?" And she kept on laughing. "Sorry, that's beyond me."

Her comment earned her a poke with the elbow from Santana who also started laughing. Then in a very rare and spontaneous moment, the Latina looped her arm around the petite woman who sat next to her and gave her a hug.

"Love you, too, Santana," Rachel mumbled under her breath, grinning a little, which prompted Quinn to state warningly:

"Hands off, San, that lovely lady is taken!" But the smile on her face betrayed her seriousness.

"Giiiiirls," Kurt threw in, using his hands in parallel. "Behave. No biting, scratching or screeching! But I'd be ready for some dessert! Do we have any?" He looked around the table.

Rachel jumped up. "Yup, we do. Quinn baked a marvelous lemon cake, which I oh so generously will share with you!"

Quinn got up as well and told her girlfriend laughing: _Sit down, I'll get it._

Santana also stood up to help Quinn and Kurt used this moment to turn towards Rachel to ask her if she had told her girlfriend about her singing experience.

Rachel shook her head and answered signing, because she did not want to be overheard by Quinn.

_No. Yes. Actually I did tell her about it. On the same evening, but Quinn was already half asleep and didn't remember the next day. I didn't have the courage to tell her a second time._

_Why not?_

_Because I don't think I can repeat it and I just don't want to disappoint her for not having sung for her. _

_Do you think she would want you to sing for her? _

"I don't know. No. I don't think she would ask me to sing for her." Too late she realized that she had said that aloud, just when Santana placed the first plates with the dessert on the table.

"What do I hear about singing?"

"Nothing," Kurt answered after he had interpreted Santana's question. Rachel shook her head, indicating that she did not want to talk about it, though she knew that Santana would not let the topic slide by the look the taller woman gave her. The brunette was just grateful that the Latina held her tongue when Quinn approached with the rest of the sweet dishes.

… … …

After they finished eating and had polished their plates, everyone jumped up as if on a secret signal and started cleaning up. When Rachel also wanted to help, Quinn held her back. The blonde pushed her girlfriend back into her seat and sat across her lap, facing the petit woman.

_No, let them do it. You need to rest,_ she signed with a smirk.

"Rest? What for? And why is everyone so busy all of a sudden?" She looked around. "What is going on here, Quinn?"

_Okay, remember that day when you came home and found me and Santana in the kitchen in a kind of conspiracy?_ Quinn waited until she saw Rachel nod.

_You were right that day. We were up to something. Because we have planned your birthday. Or at least the evening. _

"Oh. Was that the secret you also wanted to tell me?"

_Yes._ Quinn quickly captured the soft lips in front of her in a sweet kiss.

"So, where are we going?" Rachel asked tentatively, her eyes still on her busy friends in the kitchen. They were having some kind of fun conversation because they were all laughing a lot. Rachel frowned and looked back at her girlfriend. "Didn't know that cleaning the kitchen could be so much fun," she murmured.

_Do you want to know what they are talking about_? Quinn asked.

Rachel shook her head, but inwardly shouted yes. It was one thing to have an interpretation within a conversation she was actively involved, but it was still hard getting used to missing a lot of things going on around her that she normally would have registered.

Her day had been so happy and nice; Rachel did not want her spirits damped now by the same old regret. She took a deep breath and put on a brave smile pushing the gloomy thoughts away.

"Milady, if you still want me to go anywhere tonight, I think you have to lift your graceful body off my legs. They are getting a bit numb."

_Am I too heavy for you or what? _Quinn retorted with a crocked grin.

Rachel nodded shamelessly. Upon seeing Quinn's funny expression, she had to laugh.

"Ha, this is just my small revenge for you wanting to weigh me after our first night together, Miss Fabray!"

_Words fail me, Miss Berry, regarding your vengeful attitude,_ Quinn sniffed in mock hurt. _And I always thought you were a forgiving person._

"Well, time to show you the _real_ me", Rachel quipped, earning herself a nip at her lower lip. "Ouch! So, where are we going and what do I need to wear? Is that good?" She brushed her hands along her clothes.

Quinn stood. _Yes, you look perfect for the occasion!_

Rachel was wearing a white tunica blouse with the front tugged into the hem of her tight blue jeans. Her jeans legs were stuffed into her black boots. A dark gray and white cotton scarf with a stripe pattern was wrapped loosely around her neck and complemented the outfit.

... ... ...

As soon as everything was cleaned and stowed away, the friends got their jackets and headed out the door, a curious and slightly nervous Rachel amongst their midst.

They were able to walk the couple of blocks from Quinn's apartment to their destination. Rachel stopped once and again to look at the snowflakes falling against the light of the street lamps.

"Quinn, tomorrow we have to go for a walk in the park, please, we just have to!"

_Sure, as soon as you will come back to the land of the living_, the blond answered grinning.

"Where the hell are you taking me and what the hell will you do to me once we are there?" Rachel's eyes grew big.

_Don't worry; remember I told you to hold onto that feeling this afternoon?_ Santana jumped in.

"Yeah."

The brunette nodded and watched the Latina make some funky dance moves on the sidewalk, mouthing the word _paaaaaaaarty_.

Now it clicked. "Really? You're taking me to a _club_?"

Rachel stopped on the sidewalk, looking at her friends who had turned around. Her eyes roamed their faces, while waiting for anyone to answer her question.

_Yes. But it's not any club_, Santana signed slowly.

_It's the _Perfect Beat Club_,_ Quinn explained, finger-spelling the name.

Then Kurt took over. _And believe me; you will know why it's called like that. It's really intense from what I heard!_

For a short moment, Rachel debated turning around and heading home. Did she want to go to a club where she would have to watch people dance to music she could not hear?

Then another thought formed itself in her head. Everything her friends had planned or done so far, had always been in her interest. Besides the small lapses in forgetting to interpret, nothing hinted at them dragging her to a place where she would not enjoy herself at least a little. Especially not today.

"Ok, fine," she conceded and watched Quinn and Santana exchange a short and relieved glance.

Rachel looked at Quinn, remembering their earlier conversation. As if Quinn had read her silent thoughts, she nodded slightly. Then the former Cheerio captain took her girlfriend's hand and pressed it shortly, saying _I remember our conversation as well. We'll take it at your speed _without as many words or signs.

Two blocks further down, they took a left turn and soon stood in the waiting line in front of the club. Luckily the snowfall had lessened a bit; still, it was cold standing outside for a while. The closer they got to the entrance, the more Rachel understood where the name came from.

Rachel was not sure about the _perfect_, but the _beat_ was definitely there. At first it was only a faint little thrumming, but as soon as they deposited their coats and walked into the section with the main dance floor, she felt every fiber in her body shake.

"Jesus!" Was all she managed to gasp. Now she knew what Santana had referred to with her remark earlier that day. This here was ten times as intense as Rachel's experience with the headphones. Everything seemed to vibrate. Even the fabric of her blouse seemed to move with the rhythm. Out of the corner of her eyes she noticed that her friends and Quinn sensibly used some earplugs. All of them except for Santana, which was not really a surprise.

If this was as loud as it felt, then even Rachel considered using earplugs. Should she ever hope to regain her hearing someday, she did not want to learn that she further damaged a good percentage of it due to being exposed to extremely loud music. Something she also had not considered in the morning. Then again, this would just be ridiculous.

Not even bothering to speak, Rachel tapped on the taller woman's arm and started signing.

_Want to become deaf? _And with a questioning expression she mimicked stuffing her finger into her ears, to ask why she did not use any protection.

Santana shook her head. _You know me. It's either all or nothing, _she signed and smiled.

Rachel felt someone hug her from behind and a blonde head propped itself on her shoulder. The brunette turned slightly and saw Quinn grinning at her. The little group had positioned itself against a wall, with a little distance towards the dance floor. They all stood observing the crowd, getting some orientation. Kurt and Blaine had not been there before, Quinn just once, but Santana seemed to know the club. And some of its visitors. Upon entering she had greeted already two people she knew and just standing there for a couple of minutes had her nod and wave at several others. Rachel raised an eyebrow and looked at Quinn.

_It's impossible to not know Santana. I guess through her job she also got to meet quite a few people. And let's not forget, she lived with her aunt for quite a while here in the city…I'm sure she got around. _Quinn smirked.

"Oh yeah. Right," Rachel answered and Quinn could hardly hear her words. Between the earplugs and the still audible music it was hard to carry a conversation. She closely had to watch Rachel's lips which from her angle was not very easy.

After they had observed the crowd for a while, Rachel paid a bit more attention to the rhythm. She had noticed that it had changed several times and there were different kind of beats. Some she felt reverberate through her whole body, some only seemed to bounce off her skin. She noticed how her foot started slightly to move with the tact.

It was funny watching people dance. With some the movements did not seem to fit the rhythm she felt. Probably they were moving to the melody of the song instead.

"What's playing?" She half screamed into her girlfriend's ear.

_Radioactive from Imagine Dragons. _Quinn answered after Rachel had to repeat her question a second time.

"Oh cool!" Rachel turned back to observing the crowd and Quinn noticed her move ever so slightly with whatever rhythm she felt.

"Wanna dance?" Quinn asked as she slunk around Rachel, holding out a hand, bowing a little.

Rachel grinned a little at the display of gallantry. "I don't know, I feel kind of weird." She answered somewhat shyly.

Quinn tugged at her hand. "Come on." Then she signed: _I don't hear much more than you do._

_Why? _

_Grabbed the wrong ear plugs. These are not the normal ones that Kurt and Blaine have. These are the ones I wore the first time you came to dinner. _

Rachel snorted and let out a short laughter.

_But as good as they are, even they cannot drown out the music completely. This is crazy how loud this is. But it feels interesting, doesn't it?_

Rachel nodded. She saw some strange loudspeakers hanging below the ceiling of the room. She pointed at them.

"These are weird."

Quinn followed Rachel's finger with her eyes and noticed what she meant.

_A friend of mine explained to me that these are some kind of special subwoofers that enhance the sound and beat even more. That is why you feel it so intensely. _

"Cool."

Then Rachel watched Quinn telling their friends that they would move towards the dance floor. Kurt and Blaine decided to stay and Santana made a sign that she would circle the grounds.

Rachel felt Quinn apply a slight pressure to her back, pushing her gently towards the dancing crowd. Reluctantly, the brunette gave in. She had no idea how she was supposed to dance. And she felt weird being exposed. Then again, no one here knew that she could not hear the music and it was quite full, so they would disappear in the mass of bodies.

When they found a small spot on the dance floor that was not occupied, Rachel let out a long breath. Her eyes locked with Quinn's and the blonde placed her hands on her girlfriend's hips, pulling her a bit closer.

"I'm not sure that this is a song that requires slow romantic dancing," Rachel stated.

Quinn shook her head and shrugged, indicating that she had not understood what Rachel had said. The brunette repeated her comment using her hands. She saw the blonde smile and mouth _don't care_, pulling her close again.

Rachel tried to relax a bit and adjusted her position slightly so she could feel Quinn's body move against hers. After a moment she managed to match the blonde's movements and noticed that their dancing also fit into the rhythm she felt in her body. This was quite nice, actually.

The longer they danced, the more the brunette felt her pulse quicken and a slow smile appeared on her face. She concentrated on the beat and started to grind her hips against Quinn's with a slowly increasing pressure. Their eyes locked and their bodies shifted in unison. Becoming bolder Rachel slipped her thigh between the blonde's legs, never ceasing her own rhythmical movements. Rachel watched Quinn's eyes widen in surprise and a gasp escaped the blonde's lips. Then her girlfriend's eyes slowly began to cloud with desire.

It was easy to forget the people around them in their silent or almost silent bubble. A quick glance around assured Rachel that indeed no one paid them much attention. She focused back on the beauty in front of her who had a hard time to contain her breathing, judging by the rapid ups and downs of Quinn's chest.

Rachel could not contain the chuckle that bubbled up from her stomach.

She raised a questioning eyebrow and threw a challenging look at Quinn, as if asking if she could take any more.

Quinn licked her lips and seeing the pink end of her tongue, Rachel did not even try to fight the urge to kiss her lover. She captured the blonde's lips with her own and let her tongue beg for entry. The former Cheerio was more than willing to grant access. They shared a very passionate and heated kiss, somehow enhanced by the pulse and vibrations that was rushing through their veins.

Rachel lamented immensely that she had to pull back to gasp for air. Seeing Quinn's eyes dark with arousal, she felt it very hard to not drag her lover into the next dark corner to claim her right then and there. Becoming a bit more aware of their surroundings again, Rachel also noticed that her throat had become very dry. Just as she wanted to ask Quinn if they could get something to drink, Quinn asked her what she wanted with her hands.

"Um, a water would be good." Rachel then answered. To make sure, Quinn understood, she added the sign for water in sign language.

_Just water? Come on, we are celebrating. _

_Maybe later I'll have another drink, right now I'm just thirsty. _

_Ok._

Quinn turned and pulled Rachel with her through the throng of people. They passed a dais of some sort where people could sit down.

_Want to wait here? I'll come right back with our drinks._

Rachel nodded and slid up on the raised wooden structure. With a small kiss she sent her girlfriend on her mission.

Sitting a little elevated gave the brunette quite a good vantage point to observe the crowd. She found Santana in the middle of a discussion with another woman. Apparently, the Latina had felt the eyes on her as she looked up and found Rachel across the room. She waved shortly and indicated that she would see her in a moment.

Kurt and Blaine were not at their original base anymore. Probably, they had decided to walk around a bit or they were dancing.

For now, Rachel was glad to have a moment to herself, taking stock of her feelings.

She had to smile a bit thinking about her friends and lover and how they had managed to coax her out of her four walls that she had so thoroughly erected after her accident. She would have never thought that within short of a year she would find herself watching a musical and go to a club dancing and actually enjoying herself despite the circumstances. Sure, it would never be the same, but it was still as best as it could get, she felt.

Rachel let out a small chuckle. Sometimes life was really funny in its own way.

She sat on the wooden surface and contently continued to watch the crowd in front of her. The vibrations pulsed through her body and she was comfortable just watching for a while. In one corner on the opposite side of the room she saw two women chatting animatedly. Before she could check what intrigued her about them, the crowd shifted and they were hidden behind a mass of bodies. A moment later she threw another glimpse at them and was surprised to realize what had caught her attention.

Rachel observed them a moment longer, before one of the women noticed that they were being watched. The taller one with dark, short hair looked over and caught Rachel's eyes. Identifying her as the source of the blatant stares, she turned and started to weave her way through the crowed towards her. The other woman who was a bit smaller and had reddish blond, shoulder length, wavy hair following behind.

Rachel felt a little uneasy as she noticed them approaching her. She never liked to be stared at and she could understand that those two apparently felt the same. However, she had not counted on them to be _so_ offended.

* * *

**Thank you KUZ Mainz, Germany, for your Perfect-Beat-Party-Wednesdays! You rock!**


	39. Chapter 39

**I don't own Glee or the original characters. However, I dare to say that all the rest of this whole story is mine contentwise!  
**

**Thank you so much Sole's stories for your help with the past chapters and the great input! So grateful to have your feedback!**

**Nicole, thank you also very much for the quick feedback and corrections in this chapter. I'm happy that you are back! I'm also happy to have been able to read two more chapters of your story For Always :-)**

**CROO: You got that right :-)**

**CarolineSC: Naaaaahhhhh... Not yet.**

**IloveDiannaAgron: No, Santana won't change. I love writing her too much.**

**Gllover22: Dads are coming up soon...  
**

**Sorry for the 1,5 week wait, these longer chapters need more time to be written and to be beta-read. **

**Now, after all the "administrative" stuff, go read!  
**

* * *

**Chapter 39**

When the taller of the two women reached Rachel, she stopped in front of the petite brunette who was still sitting on the dais, stemmed her hands at her hips and said something. Rachel watched her mouth move but was too surprised about the aggressive stance and stare to concentrate on reading her lips.

She held up her hands in a defense gesture to stop the string of words.

Rachel pointed at herself, then placed her index finger on her lips and then at her ear.

_I'm deaf_, she mouthed in parallel.

Then she continued signing_. I'm sorry. I couldn't hear what you were telling me._

The other woman's shoulders slumped slightly at realizing why Rachel had stared at them.

Rachel observed the tension loosen a bit around the tall woman's shoulders and added another apology.

_I'm sorry if I offended you by observing you._

_You're deaf?_ The taller woman reassured herself, also signing.

Rachel nodded slowly. Then she gave another explanation_. Yes. That's why I was watching you. I was surprised to see other people here using sign language. Sorry that I stared at you, that wasn't very polite. I never like it much if people look at me like that either. _

_It's ok. I understand. You obviously had a good reason._ _I'm Lauren, this is Cara,_ the willowy woman with the short black hair introduced herself and her friend. After finger spelling both their names, she added their personal name signs.

Rachel smiled at learning the two women's personal designations. She recalled Carmen's early explanation. These individual signs often showed a characteristic that describe the person. It could be a reference to the hair color, a hobby or a personal trait. Sometimes they were signed with the fingers forming the first letter of their name while going through the motion.

Lauren's name sign was a combination of _black_ and _hair_.

Cara's sign was the one for "to paint" with the fingers forming a C. Rachel later learned that Cara studied art at NYU and loved to paint already since she was little. This was how she got her name sign.

_Hi,_ Cara greeted Rachel after Lauren's introduction and smiled warmly at her.

_Hi, I'm Rachel. Nice to meet you, _Rachel answered, spelling her own name.

_What's your name sign? _Carla asked her then.

Rachel shrugged_. I don't have one. _She was not willing to give out Santana's nickname for her.

_What do you mean you don't have one? How do people refer to you then? Do they always fingerspell your name?_ Lauren wanted to know.

_Mostly. Well, most of the time they just spell the first four letters, R A C H._

_Well, you need a name sign. Maybe we can find one for you_, Cara offered smiling.

Rachel nodded. _That would be nice. _

Lauren took a sip of her beer; shortly letting her eyes roam over the crowd, and then settled her attention back on Rachel.

_You haven't been deaf for a long time, have you? _Cara then asked after having placed her wine cooler next to Rachel onto the dais to have her hands free again.

Rachel frowned. It took her a moment to understand. Lauren and Carla signed quite fast, faster than Carmen or her friends. It took some getting used to.

_How do you know? _She asked.

_Your ASL. Your English syntax and speed,_ the blonde woman answered.

"Oh". Rachel smiled a bit while asking the question. _Am I that obvious?_

Lauren smiled back and answered that question for her_. Yes_.

_Are you deaf from birth?_ Rachel asked her curiously.

Lauren shook her head. _No. I lost my hearing three years ago. Cara is deaf from birth._

Then the blond woman explained: _We got to know each other at the deaf community center, shortly after Lauren started taking lessons of ASL._

_How come we haven't seen you there before? _Lauren then wanted to know.

Rachel did not know how to answer that. Then she decided to be honest.

_I had to come to terms with all of this before I could bear the thought of meeting others like me. _

_Yes, I get that. It also took me a while before I could face the whole deaf community thing,_ Lauren admitted and shared a knowing smile with Rachel.

Rachel looked up and found Quinn observing her while still standing in line to get their drinks. The former diva gave a short wave and saw her girlfriend ask across the room:

_You ok?_

Rachel sent her a loving smile and formed the word _fine_ with her right hand.

Lauren followed Rachel's gaze.

_Wow. Who is that beauty? _She asked and then turned back towards the bar.

Rachel could not hide her proud smile. _She is my girlfriend._

Cara moved her hands._ Is she deaf, too?_

Rachel laughed. _No._

_What's so funny?_

_Nothing._ The petite woman shook her head. When seeing the slightly hurt look on Cara's face after her short clipped comment, Rachel offered an explanation.

_She is a singer on Broadway. _

_Really? _

Rachel watchedLauren narrow her eyes a little and give Quinn another look, before turning back to her._ Have you _only_ had contact with people who can hear since you became deaf?_

_Yes._

_Why haven't you sought any contact with other deaf people? _Lauren asked curiously._ Would it not have been easier for you to have some exchange with people who have a similar experience? I know you said you weren't ready, but still…_

Rachel bit her lower lip and thought about Lauren's question. Even though she had already given a rough explanation a few minutes ago, she found it not disturbing to give away more details. Normally, she was not that forth giving with personal information, but she felt strangely connected with these two women she had just gotten to know.

_I couldn't face any other deaf people then. I had enough to deal with myself. I needed all the strength I had left to live through every day. _

Rachel looked at her hands before she formed the next sentences.

_Having lost everything I had worked for, I had lived for, well, I just couldn't face anything further that had something to do with deafness- deaf people, the whole community. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I don't want any contact with hearing impaired people. I just felt like I'm living between two worlds. And I was not ready to let go of the one that had defined my whole life._

Lauren nodded.

_I can understand that. It was the same for me. It took me about half a year before I was able to acknowledge that I was not the only person who lost her hearing. But I finally noticed that meeting other deaf people made it a bit easier to come to terms with it. Though I guess everyone needs to do this at their own speed. _

Rachel nodded at that. Then she watched Cara form another question

_Where did you learn ASL then, if you didn't go to the school for the deaf for the lessons?_

Rachel found it fascinating how easy it seemed now to have a fluent conversation without ever using one single spoken word. They silently voiced the sentences in parallel to support the meaning of the signs. She raised her hands to answer.

_I found a very good teacher who gives courses at the community center. That seemed to work best for me. _

_Who is this teacher? Maybe we know her. _Cara looked curious.

_Her name is Carmen Rodalba, _Rachel offered.

The blonde woman smiled when she recognized the name_. Oh yeah, she is very nice. She also teaches at the school I went to. _

_Really? I did not know that she also taught somewhere else. Then again, I never asked. _

Rachel let the discussion sink in a bit.

She realized that she had lived in quite a bubble of isolation the first half year after the accident. It was a bubble that had shielded her from the rest of the world. In a certain way, it had been a blessing while she had to come to terms with what had happened. But it had also disconnected her from other people, from support, from understanding - more than necessary.

She recognized that now, but she did not berate herself. At that time, her self-imposed seclusion had seemed to be the best way for her to cope with the whole situation.

In the end, it had led her to where she was today. She would not want to miss for anything in the world having been able to reconnect with her old friends. And another factor also weighed heavily for her being glad that she had made the decisions the way she had. Quinn and she might not have met had she chosen a different route.

So, all in all, everything had brought her a great step forward, still.

She raised her eyes and smiled at Lauren who asked her another question.

_And what do you do now?_

Rachel shrugged. _I'm trying to find a new purpose in life, I guess._

_What did you do before you lost your hearing?_

_I was also a singer on Broadway,_ she could not hide the slight bout of sadness that rose in her chest.

"Oh," Lauren sympathized. _That must have been hard. That's where you two got to know each other?_

_No, we know each other from high school._ Before Rachel could explain more, she saw Kurt appearing out of the corner of her eye. He waved at her and then pointed at the bar.

_We are going to get something to drink. Want anything_? He signed.

Rachel answered him that Quinn already got her some water, but then nodded and asked him to bring her a wine cooler.

_Your friends?_

She forwarded the question.

Lauren lifted her half empty bottle of beer. _I'm good, _but Cara chose a coke.

_Coming right up,_ Kurt smiled.

_Where is Blaine?_ Rachel craned her neck but could not see Kurt's boyfriend.

_Already at the bar._ Kurt let her know before the crowd swallowed him up again.

_And who was that charming young man_? Cara wanted to know.

Rachel chuckled._ That charming young man was Kurt, a good friend of mine. _

_Is he deaf?_

_No, we know each other from high school as well. He is also in the show biz._

Lauren was intrigued. _How come you have so many hearing friends knowing how to sign?_

_They took the pains to learn it for me_, Rachel explained, feeling very grateful.

_Then they are very good friends,_ Cara observed.

_Yes, they are._

But there was something that her friends would never understand despite their considerations.

What it really meant to be deaf.

At that moment, Rachel noticed that she enjoyed her little exchange with the other two girls. She did not have to worry about missing something, just because they forgot to sign or had to leave out sections of a phrase because they did not know how to interpret it.

She did not have to explain or ask. They knew what it was like. They were like her.

Rachel felt that as much as her friends were trying to help her with each new experience, there was still something that she had not explored yet; something which they could not help her with.

Rachel had deliberately stayed away from the deaf community. She had not felt like she belonged.

In the beginning, not really knowing how to deal with the new circumstances made her feel like she could not fit into this new deaf world. Now, she felt that yes, part of her did belong to that community. It had taken some time to realize that and to come to terms with the fact that she would always be a deaf person living in a hearing world.

Meeting other deaf people made her feel like she could relax. She did not have to worry all the time about being able to watch people's lips and body language, more so if they did not know ASL. It was always more exhausting for Rachel when she was in a larger group. It was hard to keep up with everyone in her line of sight and trying to follow conversations, despite Quinn and Kurt who interpreted for her. She always depended on what they delivered to her. She could not just choose to "listen in".

With Lauren and Cara, it was different, because they spoke her language and knew everything that it entailed.

It was such a relief.

Lauren caught her gaze and smiled. _You look like you just had a revelation,_ she commented.

Rachel nodded slowly. _Yes, I did._

_Care to share? I'm all ears,_ Lauren signed and added finger spelling _H-A-H-A._

The petite brunette snorted. _Funny. Yes, I can share it, but not here. It would take too much time to explain. Maybe we can meet over coffee some day?_

Lauren looked at her for a moment, and then nodded.

_Sure. We can exchange numbers if you want. Just text me when you feel like meeting. And don't feel rushed. It's ok if you still need a bit of time. _

Rachel nodded._ Thanks. _

The three women were just exchanging their mobile numbers when Kurt and Quinn weaved their way through the throng of people with their drinks.

Quinn reached them first, pressed the wine cooler and water into Rachel's hands and her own lips over her girlfriend's.

Then she smiled at the rest of the group, noticing that Kurt had already started to introduce himself and her.

…_.and that lady who can hardly contain herself is Quinn. _

The blonde waved shortly and smiled, a little embarrassed. Rachel placed her arm around her girlfriend's waist and grinned happily. The brunette had missed Quinn, even though they had only been separated for twenty minutes and she had had a good distraction.

Lauren introduced herself and Cara. A short moment later, Santana also ambled over to the small group and squeezed herself up on the dais next to Quinn. The former cheerio had taken up a seat next to her girlfriend with her arm loosely wrapped around Rachel's waist. Lauren had sidled up next to Rachel's other side. Cara had seen another friend and told them that she'd be right back, before slipping towards the dance floor. Blaine had shortly joined before moving off to dance.

_Who's the new girl?_ Lauren asked.

_That's Santana. Also an old high school friend. _

_She also in the show biz?_

Rachel laughed. _No. She's a personal trainer and kicks some high paid corporate butts. But she can also sing. She has an incredible voice. _

Quinn watched the two women chat and had a curious look on her face. Santana bumped her in the ribs with her elbow.

"Whassup, Q? Jealous?" She then joked.

Quinn tugged her earplugs a little loose so she could hear what Santana was saying. In the corner where they were sitting, the music was not as loud.

"Why would you ask that?"

"'Cause you kept ogling the woman Rachel is so animatedly talking to. Did they know each other before?"

The blonde moved her head slowly from left to right. "No, they just met, I think."

"Q, come on, what's wrong?" Santana plainly saw that there was something bothering her on her best friend's face, even though the blonde tried her best to hide it. Rachel apparently had not noticed it yet, as she was still chatting with her new acquaintance.

Quinn sighed. "Nothing is wrong, Santana."

The Latina threw her hands in the air. "God, woman. Fucking spit it out now or I'll shake it out of you!"

Quinn just rolled her eyes and shook her head.

"Ok, fine. If _you_ don't wanna talk, _I'll _tell you something."

"What if I don't wanna hear it?" Came the tart reply.

"You know I'm not gonna shut up, so why bother, Q?"

Quinn just rolled her eyes and let the Latina continue. "What?"

"I think you're afraid now that Rachel had met some other deaf people, she might find out that this is something she had been missing. And you're afraid that it might drive her away from you. From us."

Quinn drew her eyebrows together and opened her mouth to give her friend a retort. Then she let out a breath and felt her anger at the blunt statement dissolve. She rubbed her forehead with her free hand.

Santana could see the guilt lurking behind the hazel eyes.

"Q, it's ok. This is something that Rachel needs now. This is a part of her life that she needs to include. But that doesn't mean that she will automatically exclude you from it." Santana leaned against Quinn's shoulder to give her an encouraging friendly shove.

"I know." The actress had a hard time trying to figure out what exactly was eating at her. She could not form it into words, so she did not say anything further. Santana looked at her for a moment longer and Quinn held her gaze. The Latina knew her so well that she did not need an explanation. Santana saw in Quinn's eyes that this was something she first had to digest on her own before discussing it further.

Rachel turned at that moment and looked at her girlfriend, pecking a kiss on her cheek. "What are you talking about?"

_You. And how hot you look!_ Quinn smiled, signing.

Rachel snorted. "Liar!"

Quinn swallowed quickly at the correct observation, but recovered rapidly enough to deviate Rachel from the topic._ Not lying. You really do look hot. _

"Well, thank you. You don't have much to hide either, Miss Fabray!" And Rachel let her eyes rake appreciating over Quinn's body. She wore black jeans with dark gray high heeled ankle boots and a low cut white and sleeveless shirt with a nestled front. The ends of the straps were held together with a small wooden clasp on top of her shoulders. The top gave her a slight Greek appearance.

Rachel slung an arm around her lover's waist and leaned her head against her shoulder. "What were you really talking about?" Rachel insisted.

Quinn looked into the sincere brown eyes. "Can we talk about this later?" Quinn placed a soft kiss on the tip of the smaller woman's nose to show her that this was nothing she should worry about now.

Rachel held her gaze for a moment longer and understood that this was not the right time nor the right place for a discussion. "Sure."

For a while, they were just content sipping their drinks, watching the people on the dance floor.

Kurt had gone off dancing with Blaine and Rachel observed them singing along to the lyrics of the song that was playing. The beat was intense but she liked it. She felt her body moving in the rhythm that hammered though her.

"What's on?" She asked Quinn and pointed at the loudspeakers.

_I think it's called 'No Church In The Wild'._

Rachel nodded.

"Can we dance again?" She then asked almost shyly and hopped off the dais, pulling Quinn with her. She turned around and motioned for Lauren to join them.

Before they could move on, a young woman was approaching them, then stopped a bit to the side of the little group. She seemed unsure of what to do. Rachel turned and smiled at her, wondering what she wanted. Maybe it was someone Santana, Quinn or Lauren knew. And maybe she was just shy and did not want to interrupt.

To Rachel's surprise, the dark haired girl did not approach one of the other women, but came straight towards her. Apparently, she had taken Rachel's smile as an encouragement. She held a paper and pen in her hand.

She stopped in front of Rachel and rose onto her toes to speak into the brunette's ear. Surprised, the former singer jerked back a little, stopping the other woman's movement. The young woman looked a bit taken aback by that gesture. Shyly, she moved a step away to give Rachel some space.

The brunette waved her to come closer and spoke into her ear instead.

"I can't hear you. You'll have to write down what you want to say." And she pointed to the paper in the girl's hand.

The girl took a breath and opened her mouth as if to say something, then pointed at her ear and then at the loudspeakers hanging above the dance floor, as if to ask if the music was too loud.

Rachel shook her head and waved her closer again, still wondering what the girl wanted.

"I am deaf." She simply stated and watched the other woman's jaw drop slightly before she recovered herself.

Rachel smiled and pointed at the paper in her hand encouragingly.

That seemed to help, as the other woman clicked at the end of the ball point pen and scribbled something down, holding the paper towards Rachel.

_You look like an actress I have seen on Broadway, Rachel Berry. But I guess I mistakenly took you for her._

Rachel just smiled and shook her head.

"No, you are right."

The young woman's eyes grew big, and then she wrote another sentence down.

_You _are_ Rachel Berry?_

"Yes, I am."

The girl's face light up. "Wow," she breathed, which was easy enough to read. Then confusion took over.

_But, I don't understand why you can't hear._

Rachel decided to quickly explain. "I had a car accident a few months ago."

"Oh," was all the other woman said, debating with herself to walk away or stay, that was clearly visible by the emotions chasing across her face. Then she recovered and wrote another comment.

_I don't know what to say. I'm a little shocked. So you can't sing anymore?_

Rachel's eyes skimmed over the page. She exchanged a quick look with Quinn, who wore a slightly pained expression, having read the sentence as well.

"No." Rachel shook her head. "I will not be able to sing anymore." She simply answered.

The young woman chewed her lip, before she finally wrote something else down.

_That is really sad! You were such a good singer and actress. I saw you in Funny girl. I loved it so much! _

"Thank you," Rachel smiled. "When did you see the show?"

_That was in late March, I think the last weekend. Saturday, if I remember correctly._

Reading that gave Rachel a small stab in the chest. She swallowed and cleared her throat, staring a while longer at the paper.

"That was my last show," she then offered as an explanation with a slightly sad smile.

"Oh." The girl pressed her lips together, apparently feeling bad for having reminded the former actress of her final stage appearance. Then she held out the paper with another question.

_Actually, I came to ask you if you could you give me your autograph?_

Rachel stared at the request. What in the world… Then the corners of her mouth curved upwards again. "Sure. What is your name?"

_Vivien._

Rachel took the offered pen, turned and placed the paper on the wood they had just vacated. Underneath the name, she wrote in her flourishing hand writing:

_To Vivien, _

_may your dreams prevail _

_and may your strength and courage never fail you to make them come true._

_Rachel Berry_

Handing the paper and pen back, she honestly smiled at the young fan who pressed the sheet against her chest and smiled broadly.

"Thank you!" She exclaimed excitedly. "It was nice meeting you!"

"You are welcome," Rachel answered, having guessed the words from reading her lips. She watched the young woman give a little wave before she skipped back to her friends.

Lauren and Quinn had watched the exchange with a mixture of confusion and amusement.

_So. That a fan of yours or what? _Lauren asked.

Rachel laughed a little and followed the young woman with her eyes before answering. _Yes, it would seem that way._

Quinn hugged her girlfriend from the side and smiled at her. _You ok?_

Rachel swallowed and nodded. Then a small mischievous grin appeared on her face and she spoke and signed in parallel, for Lauren's sake. "Think you can handle my fame?"

Quinn laughed. _Well, if it becomes too much, we have to hire Santana as a body guard, I guess. _

Lauren smiled. _I think I just found a fitting name sign for you. _

Quinn curiously looked at Lauren._ You do? Which one?_

_Show me! _Rachel also eagerly demanded.

Lauren lifted both her hands in front of her body, at the height of her chin. With her index fingers she pointed slightly upwards and moved her hands in alternating sequence up and down.

_That's the sign for 'star'. _She explained, while Rachel and Quinn nodded; both already knowing the sign. Santana looked with interest and repeated the movement. Maybe once in a while she would use Rachel's real name sign. But _just_ once in a while.

Lauren continued with her explanation. _To personalize it, we would just form the letter 'R' with our fingers for you while making the sign. _And she crossed the pointer and middle finger of each hand, the hand alphabet sign for the letter R.

_She repeated the sign. _

"I like it!" Rachel laughed. She turned to Quinn and said: "Seems like I have a very starry birthday, today."

_It is your birthday today? _Lauren asked, having read Rachel's signs in parallel.

The brunette nodded shyly.

_Well then, happy birthday, Rachel! _Lauren grinned, using the new designation.

_Thank you, _Rachel answered bashfully._ That is actually a nice present, my new name sign._

_You're welcome._

Santana slapped Rachel on the upper arm in a friendly gesture._ Nice name sign, Berry, _she then stated. _Almost as good as mine._

Rachel had to laugh at that. "Of course, Lopez, you wouldn't have it any other way."

The Latina smirked and then looked at Quinn for an interpretation of what she was going to tell Lauren. Some of the words she was not familiar with in ASL. When Quinn nodded, Santana turned to the other black haired woman.

"Kudos to you. That is actually very original. And I think the sign fits our little diva here."

Rachel rolled her eyes, Quinn smirked at Santana's comment and Lauren laughed right out.

"Thanks," the short haired woman simple answered.

"Come on, let's dance,"Rachel then urged the group forward.

Quinn looked around Rachel, asking Lauren: _Are you going to join us?_

Lauren decided to go search for Cara and excused herself for a moment. _I'll see if I can find my friend first, then we might join you on the dance floor._

_Ok, see you later,_ Quinn and Rachel signed in unison which made Lauren laugh.

The little group wove its way through the throng of people to join Kurt and Blaine who greeted them happily.

Quinn stayed close to her girlfriend to make sure she was ok. In between two songs Blaine offered to get a new round of drinks; the next time Santana went to get something to hydrate their dry throats. The heat seemed to rise and more and more people crowded the floor.

At one point, Quinn told Rachel that she would head to the bathroom and Rachel decided that she could use some fresh air. Santana opted to join her.

They decided to pick up their jackets on the way. Hot and sweaty from dancing as they were, they did not want to catch a cold standing outside. The snow was still coming down in small white flakes.

It felt eerily quiet once they left the building. That was how Rachel perceived it, at least. Funny, she thought, that she used the word 'quiet'. It was always quiet for her.

Somehow, the forceful beat thrumming through her body and her own imagination of sound gave her the illusion that it had not been _all_ that quiet inside the club. Without the _feeling_ of sound, though, she was thrown back into the full silence.

It took some time getting used to.

Santana's hand movements pulled her back from her thoughts and Rachel was grateful for the distraction.

_How you're doing?_

"I'm ok."

Santana cocked her head and settled her dark eyes on Rachel's face.

"What?"

_Nothing. Trying to find out if you are telling the truth._

Rachel exhaled slowly.

"It's … different, yes. But Santana, I'm fine, really. I didn't think I would be, but I am enjoying myself."

The brunette watched her friend place a finger on her lips and then made a downward motion with her hands.

Rachel bit her lip, feeling a little embarrassed, but she was grateful that Santana had pointed out that she should adjust her speaking volume. It was not always easy to judge how loud she should speak if she could not hear the noise around her and her own voice.

"Sorry. That better?" She asked, paying closer attention at the lowered intensity of vibrations in her throat. She felt that she had adjusted the volume of her voice adequately now.

Santana nodded and gave a thumbs up.

"Guess I'm still used to the screaming inside the club. It seems so incredibly loud in there. Aren't your ears ringing?"

_No. _Santana answered and then grinned._ Yours?_

Rachel laughed. "Nope. At least, I don't think so."

Despite the short embarrassing moment, Rachel felt quite relaxed. And tipsy. She noticed the effect of the drinks she had consumed.

"I'm enjoying my birthday so far," she volunteered while beaming, leaning her back against a lamp post, hands buried in her pockets to keep them warm.

The Latina grinned at her and made the sign for _'good'_. Then she dug a paper out of her jacket and wrote something down.

_Sorry, I know you prefer people signing, and I'm working on it. But this is still a little over my head. _

Rachel looked up before reading the rest of the writing. "That's ok, Santana. I really appreciate your effort." She said sincerely, and then lowered her head again. Having her legs crossed, she lost her balance a little while still leaning against the post. Santana reached out and steadied her friend.

"Careful!"

"Oops. Guess I underestimated the effect some wine coolers can have." And she giggled at her own clumsiness.

_Some?_ Santana asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well, it's my birthday and I haven't celebrated anything in a loooong time," Rachel defended herself.

_It's ok, Rachel. _Santana surprised the petite woman by actually using her name sign._ You don't have to defend yourself._ She then pointed at the sentence she had written earlier.

_The two girls you met in there seemed quite nice. Are you going to meet them again? _

"Yeah, I might. Why do you ask?"

The brunette patiently watched Santana scribble her answer down.

_I'm asking because I think you should. I think that it's good to get into contact with someone else who is also deaf. Don't get me wrong, Rachel, this has nothing to do with us. We'll always be your friends. But we will never be able to share the exact same experience with you. And it might help to talk to someone who has been through this as well. You know what I mean?_

"Yeah, I do," Rachel sighed and handed the paper back. She dug her hands back into her coat pockets and scuffed at the snow with the tip of her boot.

"I actually had the same thoughts. Up until now, I just couldn't bring myself to face it, but getting to know Lauren and Cara, I noticed that this is something I need. I need people who can completely relate to what I'm going through in my life."

_Don't feel guilty about it, Rachel. This is normal. It's important for you to integrate both worlds into your life without having to sacrifice one or the other. At least that's my opinion, _Santana wrote.

"Yes, that's definitely what I would like." She smiled gratefully at the Latina.

Santana nodded. "Just do me one favor." She stated, hoping Rachel would be able to read her lips.

"And what's that?"

_Talk to Quinn about this._ Santana reverted back to signing. _She may feel excluded_.

Rachel narrowed her eyes for a second and let the comment sink in. Then she slowly moved her head up and down.

"Yes. You might be right." She could guess where the remark had come from. And upon looking up, she found Santana smiling warmly at her. Rachel appreciated that the Latina considered her situation and tried to understand her and Quinn's needs. Sometimes it was good to have friends who pointed out some things that you yourself were not aware of.

After a short moment of silence between them, Rachel asked:

"How are you and Jenna? And how was your date with her the other day? Sorry, I never asked." Rachel observed her friend closely.

Santana shrugged. She touched her head with the fingertips of her right hand and then turned it away, the palm facing outward.

"You don't know?" Rachel asked.

_It's difficult._ Then Santana pulled out the obligatory pen and paper out again and started scribbling down what she wanted to say. Small words or sentences worked, but nothing complex yet.

_We're at a kind of a still stand. She seems to like me a lot, that's what she said, but somehow she doesn't want to move forward. I'm confused. _

Rachel handed Santana the paper back again. "Does she know how you feel about her? Do you know how _you_ feel about her? Maybe she is just insecure because she doesn't _know_ how you feel or what you expect. Besides, if she has fallen in love with you, it might still be new to her. Falling in love with a woman, I mean."

Santana looked at the brown, kind eyes of her friend. She thought about her words.

Was she sure how she felt about Jenna? Good question.

_How was it for you when you noticed that you were in love with a woman? _She wanted to know from Rachel.

"I, as well as Quinn, had to get used to this part of us and accept it, because we did not consider this happening before. When we finally realized it, so many things made sense."

Rachel cocked her head and searched the Latina's face. "Santana, I think you have to find out what _you_ want first. I believe that Jenna feels your insecurity and she herself might also not be sure where she wants to take this friendship or if she wants to take it further at all."

"Hm." Santana shortly pressed her lips together, then nodded slowly. _You may be right. Guess I have some thinking to do._

Rachel chuckled quietly. "Guess we both do."

Santana made a motion with her head towards the door. At that moment, a flash went off from the other side of the street. The Latina whirled around so fast that Rachel almost did not have time to reach out and hold her back. The dark haired woman was ready to dash off behind the photographer.

"Fuck, let me go, Rachel!" She tried to brush off Rachel's hand, surprised at the strength the smaller woman possessed.

"No, Santana. Look at me! Santana!" Rachel tugged a little harder at the Latina's arm, still not letting go in fear that she would take after the guy with the camera.

"He's one of fucking Sharon's snitches. Lemme go, Rachel!" But Rachel held on and stepped in front of her friend.

"Santana!" She shouted and finally got her attention.

"Calm down, for god's sake. You're not going to run off after some guy who is absolutely not worth you ruining your life by bashing in his face."

"Fuck you and your logic, Rachel. You can't play this nice, Rachel. They aren't and if you want to save some of your dignity, you should consider a change of game."

Seeing the frown on the smaller woman's face, Santana tried to calm down a bit so she could actually use some of her sign language to make herself understood. But she was too shaken up to make any sense. Rachel placed a hand on hers.

"Santana, write it down, I don't understand a word of what you are trying to say."

Taking a couple of breaths, the Latina scribbled down her earlier words, adding another sentence.

_I could have taken him down and he would never have known what hit him. _

"But I would have known, Santana. And I've said it before. I will not let you ruin your life because of me and because of something someone did to me. We'll do it my way or no way." She added firmly, looking the Latina square in the eye.

_That's very Frank Sinatra,_ Santana then managed to answer with a crooked grin. She knew in her heart that Rachel was right. But her god damn inner rage wanted to flare up and do the thing that _felt_ right, despite her mind telling her that Rachel indeed had the better approach.

She sighed and became aware of the warm brown eyes looking at her with concern.

"Want to go inside?"

The Latina nodded, shortly squeezing the smaller woman's arm in silent acknowledgment of having said and done the right thing.

Rachel followed Santana who walk in front of her. Then she stopped again, holding Santana back with a hand on her upper arm. "Wait."

When the Latina turned with and angry look, expecting another paparazzi, Rachel pointed towards the other side of the street where Jenna came running. The redhead was waving at the two of them. "Hey!"

Santana's face illuminated and she smiled at her friend, waving back.

Rachel also grinned and hugged the smaller woman when she reached them. "Hello Jenna, I'm happy to see you! Wait. So you knew about this as well?"

Jenna nodded, grinning. Then she leaned back and made sure that Rachel saw her face, before she told her "Happy birthday!" and hugged her again.

"Thank you! How was your rehearsal?"

Jenna laughed. "Loooong. But good."

"Great. We were just going back inside."

The three women walked into the warm building and dropped off their jackets. Rachel watched Santana throw one or another almost shy smile at Jenna. Before they could stand in the corner and start a conversation, Rachel decided that she needed to pull them towards the dance floor. Maybe there Santana could burn off some of her anger from their earlier encounter.

Again, the hammering bass made Rachel feel like every cell in her body was shaken up, when she entered the hall. She quickly stated: "Let's dance," and took the lead through the mass of bodies. She found the rest of their friends where they had left them. Quinn stood with her back to them and Rachel surprised her with a hug from behind, placing a kiss on her neck. Then she let her girlfriend go so Quinn could greet her newly arrived friend.

After the greetings, they all continued to move to the beat. Quinn looped her arms around her girlfriend from behind and moved with her in unison to the music. Rachel let the blonde take the lead and leaned happily back. They kept on dancing, while the brunette kept a close eye on Jenna and Santana. They seemed to be enjoying themselves. After the first few awkward moments, they started to sing the lyrics to whatever song that was playing, bending closer to each other once in a while.

… … …

At around one thirty, everybody, except for Santana and Jenna, called it a night. The two decided to stay a little while longer.

Lauren and Cara had already left a little earlier after they had joined them again on the dance floor for a while. Rachel had assured Lauren that she would text her to find some time for another meeting. Kurt and Quinn had exchanged some comments with the new girls while they were dancing and Rachel was glad that her friends seemed to accept Lauren and Cara in their middle. Even Santana had asked Lauren few short questions that the short haired woman had patiently answered.

Jenna pulled Rachel aside before they left and asked Quinn to interpret for her.

"Rachel, I'm really sorry that I couldn't join you for your birthday dinner. Can we meet for a coffee tomorrow or the day after? I'd like to give you your present, but I didn't want to bring it to the club with me."

"Oh, don't worry, even though it's sad that you couldn't come, I can understand. Rehearsals, especially in the beginning, are always crazy. Maybe we can meet the day after tomorrow? Text me when you're free?"

"Sure, I'll do that." Jenna hugged Rachel good bye and the four friends took off.

Quinn had to hold Rachel a little upright, but found it very cute how her girlfriend couldn't stop giggling on their way home. Even though Quinn had insisted that she drank more water, Rachel had waved her off. The blonde was slightly amused with that side of Rachel, but was glad that her girlfriend had found it comfortable enough to let loose a bit.

Blaine told them that the boys would walk them home when they were out of the club and catch a cab from their apartment. So the four of them trudged towards Quinn's flat.

Rachel was grinning when she saw the flakes still falling and her boots disappeared for almost two inches in the white fluff.

"Can we build a snow man in the park, Quinn? Can we? The snow puts me into such a festive mood. Just missing the Jingle Bells song. Oh, no, even better, that old song from Wham!, remember?"

Quinn laughed at her girlfriend's enthusiasm. _Yes, 'Last Christmas, I gave you my heart'._

Kurt and Blaine started singing in the background and Quinn turned around, grinning. Rachel followed her movement to see what had caught her attention.

When she saw the boys voicing the words, she felt the melody bubble up in her throat, but bit down on her tongue. She watched for a moment longer, trying to guess which part they were singing. It really would have been nice to join them, she thought with regret, but smiled at the boys to not spoil the fun.

Quinn was not sure, if it was fair of them to walk around singing, when obviously Rachel could not join them. Seeing Rachel smile at Kurt and Blaine, she felt it was ok. She missed her voice so much in the mix, though.

Kurt caught Rachel's eye as she glanced back at them again and he quickly signed the words:

_Chorus. Now._

Rachel turned towards Quinn and watched her mouth move. Even from the side – though it was a bit difficult to read, especially in the gloomy light from the street lamps - she saw the lips of her girlfriend form the familiar words. Just when they were at the part of '_to save me from tears_…' Rachel quietly joined them singing the last words _I give it to someone special, special,_ looking at Quinn. She was not sure about the pitch, so she had opted for the original version.

As soon as her voice reached Quinn's ears, she saw the blonde press her lips together, shooting her a surprised look. Then she squeezed Rachel's hand and pulled it to her mouth, brushing her lips softly across the knuckles in a kiss. Even if it had been just one little sentence, hearing Rachel _sing_, was the most beautiful sound ever. It touched her deep inside, just like the first time when her voice had grazed her ears. Only now it had much more impact.

Rachel did not hear Kurt whisper from behind Quinn: "Keep singing, just keep singing," knowing full well that the last thing that Rachel wanted was anybody to make a big fuss out of it.

So Quinn took a deep breath and joined the boys in the second stanza, hoping that Rachel would join them again.

But the brunette stayed silent and kept her eyes on the pavement.

* * *

**Thank you Sole's stories for suggesting Rachel's name sign! That was really a great and very fitting idea, you rock! :-)**

**So, that's a wrap for Rachel's birthday. ****Let me know what you think!**

Chapter 40 is coming along, as well as some Lima and Glee Club scenes ... Though the latter has still to wait a teeny tiny bit.


	40. Chapter 40

**I apologize that you had to wait so long for another update. I'm currently working on the next five chapters and I need to sort through them, think about the storyline and how to get it straight. This needs a little more time than anticipated as things in Lima will not go as smoothly as planned for our characters…**

** Also I will be on vacation the next week. Please be a bit patient with me as I don't know when I will be able to update next. I**** promise there will be more updates!  
**

**Thank you all for your reviews and favorites and follows! Happy that you like the two new characters.**

**Thank you Sole's stories for your help and comments and corrections and discussions and and and ... :-)!**

**Thank you Nicole for helping me with these now 40 chapters... it's just ... wow!**

**Again many thanks to summer1234 for patiently answering my many questions and giving me such detailed explanations. Hope it is ok that I used one of your phrases.**

* * *

**Chapter 40 **

Quinn had thought a lot about that night when they were on their way back from the club in the past three days. To hear Rachel sing, even if it was just one little phrase, had been so wonderful. Every time Quinn remembered the moment, she felt like crying, because she only now did she realize how much she had missed Rachel's singing. She wanted to talk to Rachel about it, but she never found the right time or the right words.

Quinn just did not know how to bring the topic up. So she waited for Rachel to comment on it, but her girlfriend never did.

Somewhere in the back of her mind, Quinn had the feeling that Rachel had once mentioned something about it. Maybe it was just her wishful thinking, but she really thought that she had heard Rachel talking about it. Quinn tried to rake her brain to find out where the notion was coming from and when they might have discussed it, but she always came up empty.

Both women felt that the topic stood like a white elephant in the room, but neither of them knew how to address it. Least of all Rachel, who still found it strange that she had been able to sing with Kurt, to tell Santana about it, that Blaine had heard her and yet she had not found the courage to speak with her girlfriend about it.

Whenever she tried to, it felt like her tongue was tied.

Right now she would rather focus on the task of helping her girlfriend getting ready for her concert.

Rachel carefully zipped Quinn's dress up. She watched the muscle ripple under the skin of her girlfriend's back when she moved slightly.

"Mhmmmm, you look delicious," the brunette commented and kissed the naked skin of the blonde's shoulders. She gently turned her around and kissed her on the soft lips. "And stunningly beautiful!"

Quinn was wearing a dark blue slender satin dress that clung to her body and accentuated her beautiful curves. It fell in soft waves around her legs, just barely touching the floor. On each side of her breast a row of very small gem stones started weaving their way down towards the bottom. They were placed more sparsely mid-thigh. The little stones were almost tiny but caught the light in a way that accentuated the beauty of the blonde woman, without distracting too much by their glitter. Her hair was done up in an elegant roll in the nape of her neck, while a few strands had escaped and softly played around Quinn's face.

Rachel stepped back and admired the woman in front of her. "I really have to try hard to not pull you into bed right now and rip that dress right off you again, darling!" Stepping closer again she distracted the blonde with more kissing and teasing by nibbling at Quinn's earlobe.

Rachel felt Quinn's ragged breath in her hair and having placed a hand lightly on her collar bone, she felt her girlfriend's chest heave under her accelerated breathing.

"The audience will fall in love with you in that dress," she whispered. "And I'm sure with your voice, too."

Quinn reached around Rachel's waist and positioned her girlfriend in front of her, searching her lover's lips with her own and her tongue explored her girlfriend's mouth slowly. Rachel met her halfway and was breathing hard when they finally parted.

_Thank you for the compliments, sweetie. But I don't care about the audience. I only care about you! _And Quinn smacked another kiss on her girlfriend's lips.

"As much as I love to hear that, but you are doing this for your audience. They keep the shows alive," Rachel stated with a grin. "But it's great to know that you like me, nevertheless," she then giggled.

_Y-E-A-H, _Quinn stated, finger-spelling the word_ I like you a little. _Quinn teased back._ Ok, the pick-up will be here in fifteen minutes. Last minute instructions?_

"First: break a leg! Second: smile that beautiful smile of yours! Third: warm up properly! Fourth: Dazzle them!"

Quinn saluted laughing. _Yes darling!_

"Ok, let me go get your coat." Rachel grabbed the light gray garment off the hook and gallantly held it for Quinn to slip into it.

"You got everything?"

Quinn shook her head_. Haven't got you!_

"Awww, you will. I'll be right here when you come back! Enjoy the experience, you'll see it will be wonderful. See you later!" She turned Quinn around to push her slightly towards the door where the blond finally slipped through. Of course only after kissing Rachel for another five times.

Quinn did not want to leave. She wanted to spend some quality time with her girlfriend. The last few days after Rachel's birthday had been crazy. They did not have much time for each other, because she was rushing back and forth between her show and rehearsals for the concert.

When the blonde woman sat in the cab, the excitement finally seemed to rise. This was a great chance to show off her talent outside the Broadway stage and the repertoire that she was singing with the other artists was versatile and beautiful. She especially liked the final song that she was going to sing, though it had been a challenge to get it right. Her musical director and producer had been discussing to translate it into English, but Quinn thought it would be better to leave it in the original language. They finally agreed and decided to display the translation onto a screen behind the orchestra for the audience to understand what the song was about.

Rachel had seen the sheet music of the song; Quinn had left it on the coffee table the other night. It was cute to watch how her girlfriend had tentatively picked up the paper, as if it was a precious treasure that could dissolve into dust at any minute. Rachel had not noticed that Quinn was watching her, because she was standing with her back to the kitchen.

The blonde watched as Rachel stared at the notes, not moving. Quinn took a couple of steps to the side to get a better view of her girlfriend's face, who had still not noticed her. The singer was sure that Rachel understood what the song was about; she had written the English translation underneath the original words. She herself needed to know what she was singing about, if it was supposed to come across with the right feelings.

Quinn did not let her eyes waver from the smaller woman. Rachel lifted a hand at one point and started moving it slightly through the air. It looked like she was following the melody displayed on the sheet in her mind, but her voice stayed silent.

Quinn watched for another minute and then decided to step into Rachel's line of vision.

When Rachel had noticed her, she jumped a little. "Oh, Quinn. I … I haven't seen you. Um…" she waved the paper towards Quinn. "You gonna perform that song?"

The blonde nodded.

"Seems to be nice. Are you going to sing it in English?"

_No, the original language. _

"Wow" Rachel looked impressed. "Was it difficult to learn?" She eyed her girlfriend curiously.

Quinn laughed. _Yes. I had help from a speech coach who specialized in teaching actors different accents and languages. That was quite interesting!_

"I can imagine. The lyrics are beautiful." The brunette looked back at the sheet and then placed it on the table. With a little shrug, she stated: "I'd love to hear you sing it. From what I get, it seems like a really nice song."

Quinn was not sure, but she thought she saw some pain and longing quickly race through Rachel's eyes, before the brunette blinked and drew in a deep breath, smiling at her.

"Well, I'm sure you'll do it justice!"

Quinn reached out and pulled her girlfriend closer with a gentle "Come here!" Then she enveloped her in a hug and held her for a moment.

... … …

Shortly after Quinn left, Rachel dashed into Santana's bedroom and pulled the dress that she had stashed there some days ago out of the closet. She did not want Quinn to see it so Santana had suggested hiding it in her room. Rachel could have left it at home at her own apartment, but then she would have had to make quite a detour to get it, because she had promised to help Quinn to get ready for the concert.

Having taken a shower earlier together with her girlfriend – which of course had taken a lot longer than planned - she quickly discarded the clothes she was wearing and shimmied into the dark gray dress. It looked elegant, but not too extravagant. She did not want to draw any attention to herself. The smooth fabric fell around her knees in a loose fitting while the upper part hugged her body accentuating the right curves.

Rachel was glad for the long sleeves. This way she would not have to bring a jacket for when she was inside the theater.

While she was getting dressed, she felt the tendrils of fear crawling up her legs. Instead of pushing them away and ignoring them, she halted for a moment to give them special attention.

Yes, she was scared.

She was scared as hell.

This was the first time that she would attend a public event. She would not be sneaking in through the backdoor like she had done with Santana when they were going t Quinn's musical show. It was also something completely different from going out to dinner with her friends.

She would be going to the concert _alone_.

None of her friends would be there to interpret for her, should she need it. Besides, she was attending a _concert_, which in itself was absurd, thinking about it. Even more so if she had to try explaining it to someone. She was sure that she would meet people who knew her and recognized her and they would most certainly want to talk to her. How was that going to work?

Then there was one other thing that could potentially happen – running into Sharon Basont. Rachel would not be able to have a decent conversation with her – if it was even possible with that woman anymore. How could she ever be able to explain to Sharon the reason for visiting a concert despite her deafness? Her former manager would probably neither listen nor understand and would use all this as further ammunition against her.

All in all, these were very good reasons to lose the courage she had gathered, but there was one reason that overrode all the other arguments.

She was doing this for Quinn.

Rachel knew that it was Quinn's greatest wish to be able to share this experience with her.

Quinn had never said anything in that regard. I was nothing she would ever ask of her, knowing how hard it would be for her to attend the concert and not being able to hear the music. But Rachel knew. She saw it in those hazel eyes, the pain and longing for her girlfriend to be there with her. It appeared whenever Rachel asked her about the rehearsals, the song list, the program or anything else regarding her preparation for this great event.

At one point, Rachel knew with absolute certainty that she would have to go and watch Quinn perform.

As soon as Rachel had decided to support her girlfriend, she tried to glean as much information about the event as possible. The more she knew about the set-up and especially the songs and music that would be performed, the easier it would be for her to follow. This was also why she had picked up the sheet music she had found on the coffee table, trying to gauge the flow of the melody. It would never even come close to hearing the song in reality, but it gave her some idea at least.

Quinn had done so much for her, visiting her concert was a way for Rachel to give some of the support back.

She took a deep breath and went into the bathroom to give her hair a final twist and apply some makeup. With one last look in the mirror, she nodded at herself. She could do this and Quinn would surely be happy to see her.

In a moment of self-doubt she had told Santana about her plan, unsure if Quinn really wanted her to be there, despite all the non-verbal signals Rachel had noticed. The Latina had said nothing at first. She had just looked at the smaller woman with those dark eyes of hers.

_You sure you want to do this?_ She had then simply asked with her hands.

Receiving a firm nod as answer, Santana had replied in writing:

_Then do it. And no, you will not be a bother for Quinn. Get that thought right out of your head, Berry. It will be a wonderful surprise for her. Believe me, I know._

Santana had then offered to join her for the second half of the concert. She had an important evening appointment which she could not postpone, but with a little hurry she could make it for the second half.

In a bright moment of foresight, Rachel had already ordered tickets online a few weeks ago. She had no idea why she had done it or what she even wanted with them on that day. Or why she had not simply asked Quinn directly if she had tickets for her and Santana.

Something had told her that she might want to use them in one way or another way. another way was simply to sell them again or given them away should she not find the courage to go.

Now she was glad that - whatever devil had possessed her that day - she had listened to this inner voice and bought those tickets. She had managed to even get seats the front even. Sitting in the third row, she had the visual pleasure at least, if not the acoustic one.

… … …

Taking a deep breath, she pushed the front door of the apartment building open and stepped out onto the street. Luckily, the sidewalks had been cleared of the snow; otherwise it would have been uncomfortable to walk with her high heels.

She hailed a cab and told the driver her destination. She kept a close look on him to gauge if he needed some clarification or if he was the chatty type, but luckily he just concentrated on the traffic, so Rachel tried to relax. To stop herself from wringing her hands in her lap, she fished out her mobile phone to send a text to Santana.

_On my way_. Then thinking of what happened the last time when a certain person had sent the exact same message to her, she erased the text and replaced it with:

_Almost there. Hope I won't bail at the front doors._

The answer came back immediately.

_Don't you dare, Berry! I'll kick your ass back to Lima if  
I don't find you in your seat later, 'cause I know you can do it!  
If someone is out for trouble, remember the face  
and I'll bash 'em later!_

Rachel had to laugh despite the stern tone.

_Will do. (Forgot how torturing all those poor people  
in your new job turned you into such a drill sergeant.)  
See you later.  
R._

_See ya! And I _will_ see you there! S._

They arrived in front of the Lincoln Center of Performing Arts. Rachel paid the cab driver and hesitated just for a split second before she opened the door.

She was a bit early, but that was ok. It would give her the advantage of getting a feel for the place and take her seat before the main throng of people arrived.

That was her plan, at least.

She stepped out and stared at the three buildings around the square of the Lincoln Center that were brightly lit. Slowly, she walked up the flat stairs towards the plaza, taking in the sight in front of her. All those years ago they had danced around the fountain in the middle with the whole Glee Club, she remembered. They had been in New York for the National Show Choir Championship at that time.

Turning to her right, she faced the Avery Fisher Hall that was home to the New York Philharmonic Orchestra that hosted the concert. From an interior style point of view Rachel preferred the inside of the Metropolitan Opera. It was more classic and more romantic with the round balconies and the golden and red colors.

The interior of the concert hall was barer, more modern. Where the Opera gave off a more feminine impression with its soft, round forms and warm colors, the Avery Fisher Hall showed off a more male design, all straight lined and without much decoration.

They had improved the acoustics some time ago, Rachel remembered. Not that _she_ cared much about that for the evening, but she was glad for Quinn that she could perform in such upgraded surroundings.

Despite her unease that increased with every step she took, Rachel was she came. This was not a small concert, by far. Just the name of the accompanying orchestra, the location and the list of singers were impressive. This was indeed a huge step for Quinn. The concert per se was planned and conducted with different participants every year. Being invited to perform, was a huge honor and showed recognition from a wide range of critics.

Rachel's chest swelled with pride when her eyes fell on the huge poster banner that announced the concert and listed the performers. With a small sheepish grin she quickly snapped a photo of it with her phone.

Then she faced the entrance and bravely walked on.

Rachel entered the concert hall through the main entrance, forcing herself to hold her head up high, not giving in to the temptation to duck and hide from the casual glances that were directed at her. The looks were innocent enough, aimed at her just like the way you glanced at somebody new entering a building or a room.

She forced herself to take even breaths. She found the wardrobe and shrugged out of her coat in front of the counter, placing the garment on top. The lady hung it on the rack behind her and turned back with a smile, handing Rachel the little plastic chip with a number engraved.

"There you go!"

"Thank you!" Rachel slipped the token into her purse and turned around, not quite sure what to do next. It was a bit too early to go to her seat. She decided to get a program, but she headed to the bathroom first.

Upon entering, her worst nightmare came true.

At the sink stood Sharon washing her hands.

Why ever the universe kept sending her back into Rachel's path, the brunette had no idea. She groaned inwardly.

It was too late to step back; the elder woman had spotted her already. Instead of following her instincts that told her to bolt out the door, she decided to stay and face the enemy.

Thrusting her shoulders back, Rachel straightened her posture and noticed with a little satisfaction that the change in her attitude did not go unnoticed by the other woman. She would be damned if she let this woman ruin her evening. She would be damned if she let Sharon rattle her cage again. She would be damned if she let Sharon have any power over her.

Using the little momentum she had gained, Rachel started speaking before her former manager could say anything.

"Sharon." And she ever so slightly inclined her head in greeting before fixing her eyes on the face of the other woman. Carefully, she schooled her mask in order to not let any of her feelings show.

"Assuming that you will use my visit to this concert also for your story, do you want me to pose for any of the photographers? That might make it easier for you to catch a picture of me in places deaf people should not visit, in your opinion." For a fraction of a second, Rachel noticed Sharon's eyes widening, before she continue, not giving the other woman a chance to cut in.

"And you know what; I keep wondering why you are so adamant to prove something that is absolutely not true. Really, why waste your time? You always put so much time in researching a new potential client. Why not research a little about what deaf people can or can't do? That might give you a little understanding on the topic. And before you start again, not hearing does not mean not talking. And while we're at it, how come all of this is so aggravating to you? Is it just me, the topic of deafness or something else entirely that made you react so irrationally?"

She paused for a second. Had she gone too far? Well, she had not accused or threatened Sharon; she had just asked some honest questions. And gave her some piece of her mind, true. But Santana had been right. She could not always try to reconcile. She just had to be careful to not overstep certain boundaries. And this she had not. Yet.

Sharon opened her mouth to give a sharp retort, judging by the deep crease between her eyebrows and the slightly narrowed eyes.

Rachel held up a hand.

"You know what? I don't care. I honestly don't care anymore." She took two steps towards the door.

Turning back once, Rachel added: "And it won't do any good shouting anything after me. Because, I. Still. Can't. Hear." She signed in parallel the last sentence.

With one fierce last glace that took up all the acting talent she could muster, she opened the door and strut out.

Only then she noticed the adrenaline that had charged through her as the entire moment slowly ebb away. Her throat felt dry and her heart beat rapidly in her chest.

It was kind of strange that Sharon always seemed to find her at places that were rather enjoyable for people with intact hearing. First the musical, then the club – assuming the photographer really came from her – and now the concert. Well, strictly speaking, she had found Sharon this time, but that did not really matter.

Eying the bar at the Bon Appetite Cafe, Rachel decided to get some water. On her way there, she felt a hand on her arm. Turning with dread, she was almost relieved to see Anna, her former colleague from _Funny Girl._

"Hi, Anna. How are you?" She managed politely, hoping her voice did not betray her feelings. Even though she was so relieved that it was not Sharon who found her, she was still nervous about interacting with other people without an interpreter.

"Hi Rachel," the other woman greeted her. "It's good to see you! ….. right?"

Rachel narrowed her eyes slightly. Focusing on Anna's lips, she tried to gauge what her former colleague was saying, but she was talking too fast. She was probably just talking at a normal speed, but for Rachel's somewhat unpracticed eyes, the words visually ran into each other.

She was able to make out the beginning of sentences or single words, but following or even participating in a whole conversation just based on lip reading was impossible for her. Besides, it was very exhausting as she had to concentrate a lot. Each lesson with her teacher felt like the equivalent of a two hour workout at the gym. And so many words looked the same, so she had to guess from the content of the rest of the sentence what was said – _if_ she got the rest of the sentence. It helped by touching the throat of the other person to feel the different vibrations of words like _how_ and _now_, but that was not something she always felt comfortable with.

"Um, Anna, I'm sorry, but you have to slow down." Rachel noticed herself take a ragged breath, betraying her nervousness. Nevertheless, she bravely ventured forth. "I couldn't understand the last part of what you were saying." The former singer tried to smile encouragingly at her colleague.

"Oh. Right." Then Anna shook her head. "I… I'm confused." She paused before she continued, trying to give Rachel the chance to catch the meaning. "You still can't hear?" She shook her head and tapped her index finger at her right ear for emphasis.

Rachel slowly moved her head from left to right in a small movement, anticipating the next question. "No."

"I don't understand. Why are you at a concert, then?"

"Why am I here?" Rachel reassured herself, seeing the other woman nod.

She opted for the honest answer.

"It might sound crazy, but I'm here to support a very special person. Even though I might not be able to listen to the music," she shrugged slightly with one shoulder, "there are still a few things I can absorb."

"Right."

Looking at Anna's face, Rachel could see that she still found it strange that a deaf woman would visit a concert. Especially if there was not even any action going on that would at least give visual hints, like in a play or musical.

Rachel was reluctant to defend herself further for being here, but having always liked Anna, she tried again.

"Anna, I admit this is anything but easy for me. To be honest, I'm scared as hell being here."

She noticed the look in Anna's eyes soften a bit.

"I'm afraid of having to interact with people, not being able to understand," and she made a small gesture at the other woman, hinting at their first interaction. "I'm scared that it will be so hard to sit through the whole concert, without being able to hear a single piece of music. But…" she exhaled and felt the pride for Quinn rise again in her chest, "this concert is very important to Quinn and I would not want to miss it for anything in the world."

"Quinn?" Anna asked with a quizzical expression.

"Yes, Quinn Fabray. You met her briefly when we last saw each other at the restaurant," Rachel explained.

"Oh right, I remember." Then Anna made the connection. "She is one of the performers tonight."

Rachel nodded. She did not know what else to say and was about to take her leave when she noticed the look on her former colleagues face.

Anna eyed her for a moment. She reached out and took Rachel's hand, squeezing it lightly. "I think," she paused for a second, "that you are very brave." Again she waited until Rachel gave her a barely noticeable nod to indicate that she had understood. "I do hope… that you enjoy the evening. No matter what!"

Rachel knew that Anna honestly meant what she had said. And she understood all of it, noticing how the other woman had kept her sentences short and she was grateful for it. She was glad to have told Anna the truth about her feelings and her reason for being here.

"Thank you." She quickly pressed Anna's hand back, who was still holding her own.

"Is Michael here as well?" Rachel asked, wondering about Anna's husband.

The other woman nodded and pointed behind Rachel. She saw him standing at the bar, getting some drinks for himself and his wife, before other people obstructed their view of him.

"Well, I need to get something to drink as well. Then I'll try to dodge Sharon Basont for the rest of the evening. Running into her once is more than enough," she added more to herself. "It was good to see you again, Anna. Enjoy the concert!"

Anna held her back with a hand on her arm.

"Sharon Basont, your manager?" Rachel nodded. "What did she want?"

"Ah, it's a long story." Rachel shook her head. "Let me put it this way: me being deaf does not seem believable to her, especially not after seeing me attending a concert. Anyway. I better hurry if I want something to drink before the concert starts," she then smiled at the other singer.

Anna looked like she wanted to say something but then swallowed and returned the smile. "It was good seeing you again, Rachel. Take care." And she gave her former colleague a quick hug.

Turning towards the bar, Rachel smiled at Anna's husband who approached them with their drinks. She nodded shortly and moved to get in line.

As the first gulp of water washed down her throat, she noticed how thirsty she was. At home, she had been too nervous to think about food. She should have gotten something to eat before coming here as well. Drinking the last of her water, she stood slightly to the side, observing the crowd in front of her.

Under normal circumstances she would have mingled and chatted with some of the people she recognized. However, after the first two encounters of the evening, she was quite content to stay to herself for now.

She realized that her talk with Anna had been the first real conversation she had had without anyone interpreting or writing down their thoughts. However small the exchange had been, she could not help but feel a little proud of herself to have mastered it so well, considering the circumstance. And Rachel was grateful for Anna's patience.

After a moment or two she noticed more and more people were finding their way towards the bar to get a quick drink before the start of the concert. Glancing one more time across the crowd, she noticed one guy throwing her a few curious glances. Once their eyes met and Rachel tried to rake her brain on where she knew him from. The guy said something to the man standing next to him, who bent down to pick something up from the floor or from a bag, Rachel was not sure and she did not want to find out.

She deposited her glass on a nearby table and made her way to the doors that led into the music hall to find her seat. Rachel felt the tingling in her stomach again. She was getting more nervous now that the concert was about to begin.

How would it be? How much would she be able to grasp?

When she found her seat, she slowly sank into it, giving a polite nod towards the couple that sat next to her. The seat to her right would stay empty for a while. That was Santana's place and hopefully she could make it before the break was over.

She was sure that Quinn would not necessarily be able to spot her, even though she was sitting in the third row, a little left of the center. But as her girlfriend did not count on her being there, she might not notice. Santana and she wanted to surprise Quinn either in the break or after the concert.

The room went dark and the curtain opened after a moment. The orchestra was sitting in a half circle at the back of the stage, while the singers stood or sat in front of the musicians. Just like the last time at the musical, Rachel felt the music start by the very faint vibrations that were transmitted. She had memorized the program that Quinn patiently had patiently recited to her. She knew that many songs were arranged as a mash up of different music styles. Well known titles from musicals, pop and rock were adapted and mixed with classic music. It had sounded really beautiful when Quinn had described it to Rachel.

The petite woman had seen the spark in her girlfriend's eyes and knew that it was absolutely perfect for Quinn to have this once in a lifetime opportunity. She was singing with New York's finest opera, pop and rock singers while being accompanied by one of the best orchestras worldwide. Each music genre would be represented by one of the young singing talents around the stages of New York.

Being on that stage with that ensemble was usually an incomparable career boost.

The first half went by quite quickly. Quinn had several solo performances and Rachel hung on her lips at every song she sang. Watching Quinn perform still held its magic. She looked so absolutely beautiful and perfect on the stage that Rachel felt goose bumps rise on her skin. Even in the group numbers Rachel had only eyes for her.

Knowing what she was singing helped a bit. It was still tough sitting through the whole concert in silence without any or not many visual distractions or action. Not really hearing the music and the voices was very hard to bear, especially after seeing the audience react so enthusiastically. The performances must have been really good. Rachel wished that at least Santana was there to describe her a little bit of the music adaptations and the singers.

… … …

Rachel stayed in her seat during the break, looking around to see if Santana was coming every now and then. Until the rest of the audience came streaming back into the hall taking their seats, she had not spotted the tall, dark haired woman.

A little disappointed she leaned back into her seat, smiling politely at the people squeezing past her to get to their designated places.

Unfortunately, Santana had not made it during the break and the ushers were usually very strict to not let anyone in after the concert started or continued after the break. Rachel had checked her phone for a text message, but there was no connection inside the concert hall. She hoped Santana was all right and concentrated back on what was happening on the stage in front of her.

After an instrumental introduction of the orchestra, another song where all four singers would perform together was up next. It was _'Perfect day'_ from U2. Rachel wondered how the arrangement of this next piece was, would they all sing together or have different parts?

... ... ...

Quinn loved this song. It was a great mix of all the singers' voices and it gave her goose bumps every time they performed it. She also loved the lighting that went with it. Every time a singer would step forward, the light would hit them from behind, so the audience first would only see a silhouette against the spot. As soon as they sang the first notes, the lightening changed again and came from the front.

When it was her turn, she stepped forward and for a brief second was able to view the audience in front of her. The light behind her washed over the expectant faces and Quinn let her eyes quickly roam over the mass of people. Still stepping slowly forward, she lowered her gaze from the balconies to the front again and felt like she had a déja-vû.

There was a small, dark haired person sitting in the third row, a little to the side, with an empty seat next to her. Just like many months ago, this person in the audience reminded her of Rachel. Then she got a full glimpse of her and almost stopped in her tracks.

Her heart almost skipped a beat.

She managed to sing her part, but her eyes never left the spot in the third row.


	41. Chapter 41

**I apologize for the long wait. **

**Just updated the beta-read version of the chapter...  
**

**Recent Glee events have both shocked and surprised me. I was shocked beyond means of learning of Cory Monteith's death. I don't know what to say. On the other hand it surprised me that the Glee production was only pushed back for one week, at least for the three episodes they are going to produce.  
**

**I can't imagine what it must mean for Lea Michele and the rest of the cast to go through filming the show, especially the tribute episode for Finn, under these circumstances. But I trust that everything and everyone will be treated with the utmost care.  
**

**Thank you again for your reviews, thoughts, discussions, follows and favorites!  
**

**I have basically finished the next four chapters, so there is more to come as promised!**

* * *

**Chapter 41**

When the next singer came forward and Quinn stepped back, she had a chance to give the audience another look. Or rather the one person she had least expected to be there. Quinn's heart jumped at realizing that it really was Rachel sitting there in the third row, smiling at her as if nothing else existed around her. Quinn was so captured by that look that she forgot about the music, the other singers, the conductor, everything.

Rachel had come to her concert.

It was almost unbelievable. Why on god's earth would she do that to herself, Quinn wondered. She would never have dared to ask her to come. Yes, she would have liked to share this whole experience with her so much, but there was just nothing that would reason for Quinn to ask Rachel to come along, regarding the circumstances.

The blonde only wished that she had noticed her earlier. Now, more than half of the concert was over. Nevertheless, she was so happy to know that Rachel was here. Quinn was so moved that she almost missed her cue.

Rachel's eyes were locked on the dark silhouette slowly making her way to the front of the stage. She was slightly blinded by the spotlight that shone from the back of the stage at the audience. She could not see Quinn's face, but she was sure she was the only one who had noticed the slightest hesitation in the singer's step when Quinn had spotted her sitting in the audience. Even without direct eye contact, Rachel knew that her lover had seen her. She threw her a genuine smile before the light changed and illuminated the blonde's face.

Rachel watched her take a deep breath, but Quinn never moved her eyes away from her. The brunette was sure that her girlfriend was not able to see her clearly against the blinding stage lights that now shone from the front of the stage. Still, it seemed that Quinn held her eyes, never wavering, until she had to leave the stage again.

After that, whenever Quinn came forward to sing, she always found Rachel in the audience looking at her with a loving smile.

Before the final performance a screen was lowered behind the orchestra and the lights were dimmed. The title of the next song was projected on the screen in artful handwriting against a beautifully colored backdrop.

**_Wir sind am Leben - We are alive_**

Quinn entered the stage from the left and positioned herself a little to the side, so that the audience was able to read the screen. A warm and soft light washed over her. It was not too bright to distract from the lyrics, but it still illuminated her enough to be visible.

Rachel knew which song she was going to perform and thought the idea of displaying the translation of the lyrics was wonderful. This way, the audience who had not had the advantage of getting a glimpse of the words before like she did, could understand what it was about.

The orchestra started playing and Rachel's eyes were fixed on Quinn's face only, oblivious for everything around her. The singer had her eyes closed, a soft smile playing around her lips. She lifted her right hand and placed it on the microphone in front of her. When she opened her eyes, they unerringly found Rachel's. Quinn took a deep breath and the first syllables came across her lips.

Rachel wished so much that she could hear Quinn sing that song, especially in the foreign language.

Quinn looked at the audience and was still so very grateful for Rachel to have come to her concert. She knew that the text was displayed behind her and that Rachel was aware of the content, but the whole meaning of the song meant so much to Quinn personally.

This was not a typical love song; it rather dealt with the questions one would sooner or later encounter in life. Though, no matter what the answers to those questions were, the ultimate and most important thing was to live life to the fullest and keep the passion with everything you did.

Quinn felt that this was a fitting song for Rachel and where she currently stood in her life. In the spur a moment, she lifted her hands and started interpreting the words.

_Hast du alles probiert?__ (Have you tried everything?)  
__Hast du alles versucht? (Have you tested everything?)  
__Hast du alles getan? (Have you done everything?)  
Wenn nicht, fang an! __(If not, begin!)_

As soon as she had formed the first signs with her hands, she saw Rachel gasp. The brunette placed a hand in front of her mouth in surprise. Quinn smiled slightly as she continued singing. It was a quite difficult task to perform in a foreign language and sign in parallel. Basically she was juggling with three languages. Singing in German, translating the words in her head into English to be able to interpret them in ASL, but seeing Rachel's expression made it so worth the effort. She had no idea what her director would say to that and she did not care at that moment.

_Hast du wirklich gelebt? (Have you really lived?)  
Hat deine Welt sich wirklich gedreht? __(Has your world really revolved?)  
Hast du alles getan? (__Have you done everything?)  
__Wenn nicht, fang an! (If not, begin!)_

_Was willst du sagen? __(What would you like to say?)  
__Wen willst du fragen? (__Whom would you like to ask?)  
__Was willst du erleben__ (What would you like to experience)  
__und was willst du geben? (a__nd what do you intend to give?)  
__Wer gibt dir den Frieden__ (Who gives you your peace)  
__und was ist liegengeblieben?(__And what's left incomplete?)_

_Ich kann deinen Herzschlag hören (I can hear the beat of your heart)  
Keiner wird dich zerstören (No one will tear you apart)  
Du bist am Leben, du bist am Leben (You are alive, you are alive)  
Weil dein Herz noch Feuer fängt ('Cause your heart still catches fire)  
Weil dein Herz die Liebe kennt ('Cause your heart knows love)  
Du bist am Leben, du bist am Leben (You are alive, you are alive)_

_An was willst du glauben__ (What do you wish to believe in?)  
__oder glaubst du an dich? (__Do you even believe in yourself?)  
__Wie oft wirst du betrogen? (How often will you be deceived?)  
Wie oft belügst du dich? __(__How often will you lie to yourself?)_

_Wieviel Türen wirst du öffnen? (__How many doors will you open?)  
__Welches Schloss knackst du nie? (Which lock will you never crack?)  
Wie oft kannst du widerstehen (How long can you hold out)  
und wann gehst du in die Knie? __(a__nd when will you fall to your knees?)  
Warum wirst du weinen (Why will you weep?)  
und wie oft bleibst du stumm (And how often will you hold your tongue)_

_Und für wen wirst du beten (And for whom will you pray)  
weißt du wirklich warum? (do you really know why?)  
Und bei wem wirst du schlafen (And with whom will you sleep)  
und vor wem rennst du weg? (And from whom do you run?)_

_Ich kann deinen Herzschlag hören (I can hear the beat of your heart)  
Keiner wird dich zerstören (No one will tear you apart)  
Du bist am Leben, du bist am Leben (You are alive, you are alive)  
Weil dein Herz noch Feuer fängt ('Cause your heart still catches fire)  
Weil dein Herz die Liebe kennt ('Cause your heart knows the love)  
Du bist am Leben, du bist am Leben (You are alive, you are alive)_

_Und hast du dich verlaufen, (And if you've lost your way)  
ich bin da, bring dich nach Haus' (I am here to take you home)  
Ich kann deinen Herzschlag hören (I can hear the beat of your heart)  
Keiner wird dich zerstören (No one will tear you apart)  
Du bist am Leben, du bist am Leben (You are alive, you are alive)_

For the last stanza the other singers joined Quinn at the front of the stage.

_Wir sind am Leben, wir sind am Leben (We are alive, we are alive)  
Ich kann deinen Herzschlag hören (I can hear the beat of your heart)  
Keiner wird uns zerstören (No one will tear us apart)  
Wir sind am Leben, wir sind am Leben (We are alive, we are alive)  
Weil unser Herz Feuer fäng ('Cause our hearts catch fire)  
Weil unser Herz Liebe kennt ('Cause our hearts know love)  
Wir sind am Leben, Wir sind am Leben (We are alive, we are alive)_

Quinn sucessfully interpreted the entire song. She only faltered with a word once, but recovered quickly.

After the final sound echoed through the concert hall, everyone was silent for a moment. The blonde singer lowered her arms and took a deep breath. She smiled at Rachel and noticed how some of the people in the audience followed her gaze to see who she was looking at before the whole room started applauding.

Rachel was deeply impressed by the performance. She sat glued to her seat, her eyes still locked with Quinn's, until she finally managed to rise from her seat to join the rest of the audience in the standing ovation.

As it was the final song of the concert, the other singers had come to the front as well to take their bows. The orchestra stood up in the background and the conductor waved a hand in the direction of the musicians and the singers to give them credit for their great performance. The musical director also came on stage and the two female singers each received a wonderful bouquet of flowers.

All the while, Rachel's eyes never left the beautiful blonde woman on stage. She wondered if her bold action would have any consequences, though she doubted it. Quinn really had a knack for deviating from protocol, Rachel thought chuckling to herself.

When the curtain finally fell, Rachel hoped she would be able to catch her girlfriend for a few minutes before Quinn had to join the after concert party. It was also common practice for some news agencies to ask for short interviews after such an event. So Rachel was actually prepared to have to hold back until she would get to see Quinn at home, if there was no time now. She plopped back down into her seat. Lost in thoughts and waiting for the audience to disperse, she felt a hand on her shoulder.

Santana had slipped into the row behind her, which was already empty. She held out a paper with an apologetic look on her face.

_Sorry, Rachel. I was just a minute late, and they wouldn't let me go to my seat._

"Oh."

Santana threw a curious look at her friend and then asked with her hands: _You ok?_

Rachel nodded and smiled. "Yes. So you missed the whole concert?"

The Latina shook her head. "No."

She scribbled the rest of her explanation down.

_The usher was nice enough to let me stand in the back. So I saw pretty much of the second half._ She smirked a little when she met Rachel's gaze. _And yes, I saw the personal performance for you by our lady Quinn Fabray._

Rachel chuckled softly. "Yes. That was incredible! Quinn is crazy to keep altering her performances when I'm around! I could have read the lyrics just like the rest of the audience on screen."

As much as Rachel reprimanded her non-present girlfriend for deviating from the original performance, Santana could still see the surprise and love playing across Rachel's features.

_Come on, Berry, admit that you loved it. Every second of it._

The brunette smiled sheepishly and looked at Santana from under her lashes. "Yes. I did!" And she laughed out loud.

Santana stood and held out a hand to pull Rachel up as well. Then she signed: _Come on, let's see if we can find our singer._

"Oh, I don't think she will have much time for us now," Rachel stated.

_Why not?_ Santana quirked a quizzical eyebrow.

"After show party, pictures, maybe the one or other interview..." She was not able to finish her sentence as she saw Santana smile knowingly, looking at something or someone behind her. Rachel turned and spotted Quinn making her way down the now empty row she was still standing in.

The brunette's heart skipped a beat as she saw her girlfriend approaching; oblivious to the curious looks from the rest of the people who lingered in the concert hall. They had recognized the singer, of course, and probably wondered what she was doing in the audience section.

When Quinn reached her, Rachel had no time to say anything, as the blonde entwined her fingers with Rachel's and kissed her gently and lovingly on the mouth. When they parted, Rachel opened her mouth again to say something, but Quinn shook her head and freed her hands.

_Me first!_

Rachel chuckled. "Fine."

The first thing Quinn did was to cup Rachel's face and kiss her again. Then she lifted her hands.

_I'm ..._ she searched for the right words to describe her feelings. _I'm so incredibly glad and proud that you came, Rachel. _

Rachel watched Quinn's mouth move in an attempt to find more words, while she kept her hands suspended in the air, unmoving.

Gently she placed her own fingers on Quinn's and whispered softly: "It's ok. I think I know what you are trying to say." She fixed her eyes on the hazel ones in front of her. "You were wonderful. And thank you for interpreting the last song."

Again so many unspoken emotions and feelings passed between them more through their gaze than they did through their words. Santana tactfully looked at the floor; she did not want to intrude this private moment.

Then she heard her name.

"Santana, you came too?" Quinn automatically interpreted their conversation for Rachel.

Looking up Santana found Quinn smiling at her.

"Yes. Obviously, Q. Otherwise I wouldn't be standing here."

Quinn looked between the two women. "How … where did you get the tickets? You could have asked me to reserve some seats for you."

Santana pointed at Rachel. "Was lady Berry's idea."

"Really?" Quinn looked questioningly at her girlfriend.

Rachel nodded. "Yes. I had bought them some time ago. I wasn't sure then if I would have the courage to come. I didn't want to get your hopes up and then disappoint you at the last minute. That's why I didn't say anything."

Quinn kissed Rachel's soft lips again. _You're so sweet. That was a wonderful surprise and the best early Christmas present ever!_ She then just signed.

Speaking out loud, she asked Santana where she had been sitting, as the seat next to Rachel had been empty.

"I was too late to make it to my seat after the break, but I was able watch you from the back." And she threw a thumb in the direction of the main entrance to the ground floor seating.

Quinn squeezed passed Rachel and hugged her friend across the row of seats that were created a small barrier between them. "Thanks for coming."

"You did great, Q. I'm proud of you," Santana then commented. "And you definitely dazzled someone here with the last song."

Quinn watched Rachel grin sheepishly after she had seen the interpretation of Santana's words. The blonde laughed.

"Good, mission accomplished," she quipped, referring back to Rachel's last instructions before she left the apartment earlier that evening.

Rachel place a hand gently on Quinn's back. "Don't you have to get back? I'm sure they are all waiting for you."

"Yes, but you two are coming with me. No way I'm leting you slip away and go home!" Quinn answered cheerily.

"Oh, I won't say no to a party," Santana grinned.

Rachel was not as enthusiastic. The encounters of the evening she had had so far were enough for one night. Good thing that Santana had not been with her earlier on, she probably would have killed Sharon on the spot, even though the woman had not even said anything.

Rachel did not feel like meeting any more people tonight, even though she knew that Quinn would interpret for her. But this was _her_ night, _her_ celebration and the brunette did not want to cause any inconvenience for her.

"Uh, I, uhm, I think I better get home."

Santana's gaze fell on Rachel's face and she narrowed her eyes. Studying her friend for a couple of seconds, she seemed to understand.

"You know what, Q, on second thought, this is your night. You should enjoy yourself with your colleagues. We'll have our own celebration with you later, okay? It's a promise!" Santana saw a look of surprise on Rachel's face after she had received the interpretation of her words.

Quinn's gaze flicked between her friend and her lover. "Everyone has invited family or friends to the party, if that is what's bothering you."

Rachel looked down on her hands.

She had managed to come to the concert, to sit through the whole show, to watch her girlfriend perform without hearing one single note. She had managed the encounter with Sharon and the conversation with Anna. It was just too much for her to face another challenge on the same evening. Meeting new people, all of them professional singers and musicians, was not what she wanted to face on top of all her other experiences. Besides, knowing Quinn would not and _should_ not be able to sign for her throughout the whole party and knowing that Santana was still not that proficient to fully interpret conversations, made Rachel feel very self-conscious.

"No, that's not it. I'm just really tired. Go and enjoy the evening! And if you…" she looked at Santana, "want to join them, that's fine. Go ahead. Really."

Quinn swallowed. In all her excitement she had not thought about how such events were probably still exhausting and draining for Rachel. She could fully understand why she declined her invitation to join the party. Nevertheless, it made her sad to not be able celebrate with her.

_Ok. I'm sorry I did not think about how this must make you feel and I'm sorry if I was a bit insensitive, _she signed.

"Quinn, stop!" Rachel stepped closer and gave her girlfriend a kiss.

Forcing herself to put on a cheerful expression, Rachel added. "I mean it, Quinn, go celebrate. This was a really great concert and you deserve to relax a little bit now with your team after all the stress and hard work you've put in." She smiled encouragingly at Quinn.

"Ok, but I promise I won't be home late. I miss you too much and I didn't get to see you enough the past few days !" Quinn pouted which made Rachel laugh again and Santana smirk.

"At least I had a few nights of undisturbed sleep," the Latina threw in.

That comment earned her a slight push from Rachel and a "shut up" from Quinn.

The blonde still looked slightly disappointed that the two of them did not want to join her at the party, but she understood Rachel's reason. Though, why Santana wanted to bail, she was not so sure of. Maybe she wanted to keep Rachel company, which Quinn was very grateful for.

They walked towards the side exit that would lead them into the hall outside. They stopped and Rachel hugged Quinn when they reached the door. "I'm so proud of you, Quinn. You were wonderful." The brunette whispered into her girlfriend's ear and pulled back slightly. Quinn's cheeks reddened as she smiled at the praise from Rachel.

"Thank you." She answered bashfully.

"Well, we'll let you get back to your party! Have fun!"

Quinn nodded and kissed Rachel gently on her lips. Then she hugged Santana and watched them walk through the door before she turned and stepped back up the stage to disappear behind the curtain.

When the two women entered the lobby after retrieving their jackets from the wardrobe, a young man walked towards them. Rachel recognized him as the man whom she had seen earlier at the bar. She did not pay him further attention and walked on when he intercepted the women's path.

"Excuse me." He looked from Rachel to Santana and back to Rachel. The brunette threw a curious glance at him, then noticed Santana put on her fiercest intimidation glare.

"What do you want?" the Latina asked him, stepping slightly in front of Rachel.

Even without hearing her tone, Rachel guessed that it was not the politest inquiry just from the look on Santana's face.

"I would like to ask, um, Miss Berry something," and the guy looked at Rachel, "if she doesn't mind."

"Well, she does mind and we would like to go home. Excuse us."

The Latina placed a hand on Rachel's back and wanted her to keep moving. The smaller woman stood still, and dug her fingers slightly in her friend's arm to stop her. Then she turned to the young man.

"Excuse us for a second, please." Rachel pulled Santana to the side and asked in a low voice:

"What did he want?"

_He wanted to ask you something._ Santana signed slowly in answer. Out of the corner of her eyes, Rachel saw the guy watching them with interest.

_And he knows who you are,_ the Latina added. _He knows your name._

"Think it's one of Sharon's people?" Rachel asked in a low voice.

The Latina shrugged. _Don't know. I think yes. That bitch is everywhere._

Rachel pinched the bridge of her nose. She just wanted to go home. On the other hand, she also wanted to resolve this wholde damn issue. Sharon Basont and her stupid charade were really getting on her nerves. The small woman turned slowly, let out a long breath and approached the man.

"You wanted to talk to me?" He nodded. "Can I ask you who you are? And please, you'll have to write down your answers."

He looked at her, frowning. Then it seemed to sink in.

"Oh. So the rumors are true," he stated more to himself.

Rachel stared at his lips, not having understood everything.

God, she just wanted to go home.

Santana glared at him and he held up a hand. Before she could give him a piece of her mind, he rummaged around in his bag and came up with a notepad.

"Right, sorry. Wait." Then he scribbled something down and handed it to Rachel.

_My name is Patrick. Can I ask you some questions, Ms. Berry?_

Before Rachel could say anything Santana jumped into protective mode and snared: "You one of Sharon Basont's dirty workers? Because if so, tell her she's a fuck up and she should go to hell!"

"Santana!" Rachel was not able to read all the words but she guessed most of them just from her friend's facial expression and body language. Her knowing Santana quite well also helped for her to deduce what she had said.

"No, I don't work for her…" the young journalist answered then he remembered. He started writing again, showing the pad to Rachel, when he was finished.

_I have never worked for Ms. Basont nor with her. I just saw you here at the concert by coincidence. There was an article about you on the internet a couple of weeks ago about a rumored accident. Seeing you here tonight I figured it was just that – __a rumor. _

While Rachel read the text, he openly looked at her, obviously trying to figure out what was going on with the former Broadway star.

_Ms. Berry, I have no idea what your business with Sharon Basont is other than that she was your manager. I'm a freelancer, I'm my own boss._

Rachel looked up and scrutinized the young man who stood in front of her. Her gut feeling told her that what he wrote was true and that he did not seem to have a hidden agenda. Then again, never trust a journalist.

Sensing her hesitation he held out his hand and asked for his pad. "May I?" He looked Rachel in the eye when he spoke. She accredited him the small gesture of not looking at Santana, even though he spoke the words out loud, with a hint of a smile and let him write something else down.

While he made his notes, Rachel looked at Santana.

_You believe him? _She asked, signing.

Santana narrowed her eyes. _Reporters? Never! _Was her short answer.

Patrick had patiently waited for them to finish their conversation and then held the pad out to Rachel again.

The small woman took the offered paper and read the next statement.

_I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. A lot of people have been asking themselves what happened to you, and if you __will__ ever come back on stage. Seeing you here, I thought you were all right. But as I have just learned that doesn't seem to be the case – correct me if I'm wrong. _

Rachel looked up. "Guess it doesn't take much to figure that out. Just in case you are wondering why I'm here at a concert, I will not discuss this here and now!"

The young man shrugged. "Fair enough," he stated, again looking directly at Rachel.

"Will you please excuse us." Santana motioned towards the exit, propelling Rachel with her when the reporter held the two women back with a small gesture. He had extended his index finger to ask for one minute more of her attention. Apparently he did not seem to be disheartened by the Latina's clear dismissal.

"What else?" Rachel asked tiredly.

Quickly, he added another sentence on the pad. While he wrote, Santana addressed her friend.

_You don't need to do this, Rachel!_ The taller woman signed.

Rachel answered likewise._ I know. But he seems __honest__ enough._

_I don't know, Rachel. I don't trust any of those guys. _

Before Rachel could answer, the object of the women's discussion held out the paper for her to read.

_Ms. Berry, I could offer you an interview. This might be a chance to tell the story from your point of view. And that might be a possibility to set the record straight with Ms. Basont? (I don't want to pry, I ust base this on what your friend asked me earlier and how upset she seemed.) _

"Why would I want to tell the world what happened, Mr…?"

_Remmond.  
Sooner or later people will start talking and pictures will show up. They already have, you know how it works. Why not take everybody's wind out of their sails and tell them your story, before anyone else cooks something up? Will you please think about an interview?_

The suggestion had some benefits, Rachel thought. If that guy was honest, it might give her some leverage on Sharon's case. She pondered the thought for a long moment.

Patrick added another sentence sensing Rachel's hesitation.

_We'll do it on your terms and_ _I get exclusive rights._

"I get the final sign-off of what will be published. Not a word will be changed."

Santana crooked an eyebrow at the sudden business manner that Rachel displayed.

Patrick nodded slowly. _That could be arranged._

"Good. I'll think about it. Do you have a business card with your contact details?"

He handed her one which she put into her hand bag after giving it a quick cursory glance.

"Thank you, I'll let you know within the next few days, Mr. Remmond. Until then, nothing of our conversation or what you have seen will hit the news. Otherwise you can forget about your interview right from the beginning."

She watched him incline his head with an earnest look.

_You've got my word._

She nodded shortly at him.

"Have a nice evening." Rachel brushed a smile across her face and turned towards Santana.

_Let's go home. _

Santana nodded and threw one warning glace at the reporter who pensively stared after them. The Latina noticed how tired Rachel looked. She had held up the façade pretty well during the conversation with the young man, but every bit of energy seemed to have drained out of her now.

… … …

In the cab, Santana asked:

_You ok?_

Rachel nodded.

_You're really __going to do that __interview?_

The brunette looked at her friend and shrugged. "Don't know. If he was honest about it, it might indeed be a good chance to set the record straight. Don't know why I have not thought about it before."

Santana wrote a note into her mobile and held it out to Rachel.

_What if he reports his conversation with you in the meantime?_

"I don't think he will. If he does, he won't be happy if I decide to tell the story to someone else," she held up a hand, "_if_ I decide to tell it at all. But his suggestion got me thinking."

Santana shrugged and signed. _Fine. Your choice. _And added typing:_ Let's hope he'll stay true to his words._

After a moment, she wrote something else down and held the phone into Rachel's view.

_I understand you are tired, but why didn't you want to go to the party, __Rachel__? Even just for one drink?_

Rachel looked at Santana for a moment. Yes, true. She could have stayed for _one_ drink.

Then she explained quietly: "As much as I wished I could, and under normal circumstances I would have definitely stayed, but it is too exhausting for me now." It seemed like an excuse now that she had also managed that confrontation with the reporter somehow, but that was just one person and there were so many at the party.

Rachel debated shortly whether to tell Santana about her earlier confrontations to make her understand the other reason why she was not up for any more interaction.

"I ran into Sharon and a former colleague before the concert stated. I just couldn't manage facing any more people in a large group tonight. And this is not an evening that Quinn should spend worrying about me, interpreting all the time."

_You ran into Sharon!?_

"Yes." Rachel sighed.

_What happened? What did she want?_

Rachel was worried that Santana was ready to jump out of the car, seeing the incredulous look on the Latina's face.

"Calm down, Santana. I actually don't know if she wanted anything at all. It was just pure dumb luck that I ran into her in the restrooms. Before she could say anything, I gave her a piece of my mind and then left her standing there." The brunette had to laugh a bit at her own boldness. "She didn't even have a chance to say anything."

Santana stared at Rachel for a moment longer until her brain had processed this and then laughed with her. _Really, what did you tell her? _She asked signing.

Rachel quickly repeated her words and her friend grinned. Then she wrote something down again.

_That's my girl! Well done, Berry! Don't take no shit from that woman!  
And who was the other __person__ you met?_

Rachel also quickly recapped her experience with Anna as well, including the difficulties of understanding her and not using ASL or pen and paper. Santana answered in writing again.

_I guess I underestimated how difficult doing all these things must be for you, still. _

"Santana, they're not just "still" difficult. They will _always_ be difficult. This will not change. Interacting with people will always be a challenge. And I will always miss important things that will happen in Quinn's professional career because of my deafness." She looked out of the window at the passing street lights. "There will always be things we won't be able to share." She added in a barely audible whisper.

When she felt a hand on her arm, she shrugged it off. Rachel just could not and would not discuss this further. There was no point.

At that moment the old doubts resrfaced. Rachel was not sure if it was possible for her and Quinn to find a way to live with her deafness when it came to something as important as Quinn's job. She was not sure if the continuous lack of sharing special moments with each other - and there would be many more over time as Quinn's career took off - would be manageable for them over time. She would only be able to participate half-way in Quinn's professional life.

Rachel was not sure if that was enough.

… … …

Back at Quinn's apartment, Rachel wanted to disappear straight into their bedroom.

Santana held her back with a hand on the smaller woman's shoulder. She had the feeling that it would not be a good thing to let Rachel slunk off and leave her alone with her own thoughts. She had to perk her up a bit.

_Where're you going? _The Latina asked with her hands.

"To bed." Wearily, Rachel watched Santana write something on the ever present pad.

_The hell you are! We've got to toast your girlfriend first and then you and I are gonna watch a movie._

"Santana, I'm really tired and honestly, if you want to party, why didn't you stay there with Quinn?"

_Because Quinn has enough people around her tonight._

"And I don't?" Rachel glared at Santana. "Don't start feeling sorry for me, Santana! And I don't need a baby sitter."

Santana picked up the pad from the counter again for her answer.

_Hell, I don't feel sorry for you, Rachel. But I do have the feeling that you could need some distraction right now. And I have the right recipe for that._

Rachel sighed.

"Listen, I have had enough distraction for one night, believe me. Don't you understand that it is really hard work for me to spend guessing all the time what is going on around me, constantly having to concentrate on people's mouth, body language, expressions? This hasn't been as relaxing an evening for me as it was for most people. I'm dead tired."

In one of the rare moments where Santana dropped her hard shell, she pulled her friend close and hugged her for a moment. Rachel stiffened at first, but then relaxed into the friendly embrace.

Letting go, Santana nodded towards the couch. _Put on something comfortable and sit down, Berry._

"God Lopez, you can be so obnoxiously stubborn."

Sensing that resistance was futile, Rachel changed out of her dress and came back out in her PJs and dropped onto the couch.

"I'm not sure how long I'll be able to stay awake. So your distraction better be good."

_Believe me, it is!_ Santana smirked and turned on the TV. She placed a bottle of beer in front of Rachel and plopped down right next to her with one in her own hand.

When the first scene came alive on screen, Rachel laughed out loud. "Oh no, you didn't!"

Santana nodded. "Yes I did."

Rachel elbowed her friendly in the ribs and smiled. Chuckling, she stated: "How did you know this is the only thing that always lifts my mood, no matter what?"

Santana raised one eyebrow and quickly typed something into her phone.

_Whaddaya think? I've known you for like a hundred years. This was all you've ever talked about at high school. Rachel Berry and Funny Girl go together like Starsky and Hutch or Cagney and Lacey or Barbra and James!_

Rachel snorted and clunked her bottle against Santana's before concentrating on the movie. After the first couple of scenes, she felt her mood lifting.

The original spoken words were slightly different from the close captions that were displayed on the screen. Rachel knew every single word of that movie and was content with just watching the actors, imagining the dialogues in her mind. At one point, she just switched off the subtitles. They annoyed her no end - specially with this movie - because they did not display the exact dialogues and there were no extended subtitles available.

She learned that Santana had never watched the movie and it was fun teasing her friend by quoting some of the dialogues in parallel, especially Barbra's lines.

_God, you do know the whole movie by heart, don't you? How many times have you seen it? _Santana typed.

Rachel shrugged. "One hundred sixty-three, I think. Sixty four, including this one."

_There are other movies out there, you do know that, right? Even with Barbra…_

"Yes. But none of them are as good. They are all fantastic, don't get me wrong, but this is the Queen of them all."

Santana snorted. "Hell, yeah!" But she had to admit that the movie was good and that Miss Barbra Streisand was great in the film.

Hearing Rachel recite some of the dialogue gave Santana a glimpse of how great it would have been to see her friend in the actual musical. She regretted that she had never visited it.

… … …

When Quinn came home, she was surprised to be greeted by some laughter from her lover and best friend. She had expected the apartment to be quiet, but apparently her two favorite women had plans of their own. Smiling, she stepped inside.

Santana and Rachel were just into their second movie "_Bringing up baby"_ with Cary Grant and Kathryn Hepburn. He and Hepburn were trying to catch an escaped tame leopard named 'Baby'. Entangled in a big net Grant had just landed in a heap on the ground, after having falling over a big log in the woods.

Rachel looked up. "Hey, star! You're back early."

Quinn nodded and plopped down next to Rachel with a sigh. She kicked off her shoes and propped her feet on the table in front of her.

"Yes. I promised to be home early." She answered, and in what had become a habit her hands followed her words in parallel. "Besides, I spent so much time with the people from the concert these past days, that I have seen quite enough of them now. Compared to being with you, they are boring as hell and not even half as sexy and good looking."

Rachel snorted at that comment and Santana rolled her eyes. "Guess my quiet nights are over," the tall, dark haired woman sighed exaggerating.

"Hm, yes they might be," Rachel grinned and kissed Quinn on the lips. "Nice to see you, gorgeous," she then whispered in the blonde's ear.

A little louder, she added. "I'm glad I have a reason to go to bed now. Our dear friend here had the impression that I needed rescuing from myself. She practically forced me to watch movies with her."

Out of the corner of her eye, Rachel watched the Latina huff. "Yeah, and don't forget to mention which movie we watched, Berry!" Santana managed to sign in parallel.

"Let me guess, _Funny Girl_?" Quinn asked, also signing.

"Yes, but it was her idea," and Rachel poked a finger at Santana's shoulder.

Quinn laughed out loud and threw Santana a curious look, but the Latina just shrugged.

The blonde got to her feet.

"Well, I'm wasted." She held out a hand towards Rachel after having signed the next question. "Care to join me in bed?"

Rachel snagged the offered hand. "Thought you'd never ask." Turning to Santana, she stated: "Thank you Santana, for keeping me company and for suffering through _Funny Girl _for me."

"Naaaah, it wasn't that bad." The Latina made a dismissive gesture after she finished signing.

"Uh huh, and it gets better each time."

"Forget it, Rachel. This was a one-time thing only! I'm not gonna rival you with your one hundred and sixty something times. Good night. And keep the volume down, you two, will ya'!" Santana did not manage to sign everything correctly, but Rachel got the gist of it.

"Put some earplugs in, Santana," Quinn threw over her shoulder, as she pulled Rachel with her down the hall, repeating her comment signing. "Night."

… … …

Lying in bed, Rachel asked Quinn about the party and her girlfriend quickly described her short stay.

_It was nice, but everyone was a bit tired. We had some brief interviews and a quick photo shoot. Other than that it was okay to leave early. Due to the upcoming Christmas holidays not many of the other guests wanted to stay long anyway. _

Asking Rachel how her evening had been, Quinn also learned about Rachel's encounter with Sharon. At first, she had a similar reaction as Santana, almost jumping out of bed, thinking that the manager had somehow planned something against her former client. When she listened to Rachel on how the meeting took place and how Rachel had reacted, she burst out laughing.

_You did not say that to her! Really?_

Rachel nodded and grinned. "I did. I'm still surprised at myself, I have to admit, but it just felt great."

_I'm proud of you! Wonder what she will do now, though. I'm sure she did not like to be confronted like that._

"Yeah, maybe. But I might have a solution for that."

Quinn quirked an eyebrow and looked excited. _Really? What is it?_

Rachel proceeded to recount the discussion with the reporter, which made Quinn sit up again.

_Are you sure he was okay? What was his name again? Maybe I can run his name by my manager. She might know him and we can find out if he is who he claims to be. _

"Yes, that would be good. He seemed honest. I don't know, it's just a gut feeling, but I believed him. Nevertheless, it would be good to learn a bit about his background."

Quinn looked at her girlfriend pensively. _Are you really considering doing an interview?_

Rachel shrugged. "Maybe. It might be a chance to get Sharon off my back."

_It would probably earn him quite a reputation if he garnered that interview with you._

"Yeah, maybe. He wanted exclusive rights and I told him I'd get the final sign-off. Until then, he has to be quiet about what we discussed. Let's see if he holds this part of the "unofficial" deal."

_I'm not sure about this, but it's your choice. If you want me to come with you to the interview should you decide to do it, I'll be happy to interpret_, Quinn offered.

Rachel leaned over and kissed her. "Thank you," she murmured against Quinn's lips.

She also told her about her brief talk with Anna. As Rachel recounted the meeting, Quinn realized again how such easy and natural things had become such a task for Rachel. It made her feel even prouder of her to have handled the evening so well.

Quinn described her thoughts to her girlfriend.

"So we both accomplished quite some tasks tonight," Rachel answered with a hearty yawn and snuggled up against the crook of Quinn's arm. "Hm, one more show, then we can go on our vacation. This is nice." She mumbled sleepily.

Watching the movie with Santana had pushed her tiredness away, but now, laying in Quinn's arms, cozily wrapped into the warm blankets Rachel felt the fatigue wash over her again with full force.

She saw Quinn's hands move a little awkwardly in front of her. _Yes, I'm looking forward to having you to myself for a couple of days._

"Yes, and let's forget about our parents and friends. We'll hide from them." Rachel suggested chuckling.

_Damn, forgot about that. Well, we'll still have enough time for us, I'll make sure of that._ Quinn stated.

"Mmmmmm, someone is needy, it seems," Rachel teased, hardly able to keep her eyes open.

_Yes! Needy for you._ And Quinn placed a kiss on Rachel's head. She herself felt exhausted after the stressful days. _Thank you for coming. I can't tell you how much that meant to me. Especially… you know…I mean…_

"I know. I'm glad that I came to watch you, knowing how much you wanted it."

_But I never said anything! I never would have dared to asked you to come. _

Rachel turned her head to look at Quinn.

"I know. But it was written all over your face." She gently traced a forefinger across the blonde woman's cheek. "After all you have done so much for me, supported me in so many ways coming to your concert seemed just a small way in comparison to give something of that support back."

Quinn pressed the smaller form of her girlfriend against herself in a tight embrace and kissed her passionately.

They lay a while in each other's arms, looking into each other's eyes. Rachel was amazed again at how much a person could say without uttering a single word.

The brunette's eyes began to close again after some time, even though she tried to keep them open.

Quinn smiled and signed an "I love you" and "good night", before she turned to switch off the light.

"Luv you, too," Rachel mumbled and placed a soft kiss on one of Quinn's hands in front of her, before she let sleep claim her.


	42. Chapter 42

**I don't own Glee.**

**SuperGleek18: Your reviews make me smile and remind me of what a long way Rachel and Quinn have already come.**

**Gllover22: Thank you! I still love writing Santana and she'll come up again :-).  
Yes, I can't imagine how hard it will be for Lea to shoot that episode.**

**Devin Jaste: Thank you for this great review and the things you pointed out, got me thinking...**

**Summer1234: Thanks again for our discussion, hope you are updating soon! ****:-)**

**Thank you all for taking the time to tell me what you think and for "favoriting" and following my story, you are really great!**

* * *

**Chapter 42**

Quinn was a little excited to go home, to see her sister and meet their old friends from school. Seeing her mom, well, she would manage. As long as her sister was there, Quinn could face spending time with her mother.

After her mom had separated from Quinn's dad and apologized to her daughter for not standing up for her little girl, their relationship got better. Still, they had never been able to re-establish the normal heartfelt mother-daughter connection. They would talk once a month over the phone, Judy would visit her daughter once in a while and the young woman would come home for the holidays. That was about it. Quinn had steeled herself for another kick out of her parents or rather mother's life when she shortly told her about her relationship with Rachel. Much to her surprise her mother had basically just told her as long as she was happy, she was fine with it. Had her mother changed so much to become so accepting? After all, being in a relationship with another woman was nothing that fit into the Fabray family picture. Then again, neither did divorce.

She got along much better with her sister and Quinn was really happy to see Fran again. She had told her about her relationship with Rachel and her sister was first surprised, then speechless and then truly happy for her. The thought about meeting her sister triggered a little song outburst.

"Driving home for Christmas….." Quinn sang while signing. She came out of the bathroom and walked up to Rachel who was sitting at the kitchen table.

Rachel watched her girlfriend. It took her a moment to figure out that she was not directly talking to her, but was actually singing a song.

"Who's that from?" She asked.

_Chris Rea. _Quinn signed when she had finished the chorus.

Rachel was surprised. "You listen to Chris Rea?"

_Well, I like some of his songs. But this one just popped into my mind,_ Quinn answered in a good mood.

Rachel laughed. "Uh huh. I have to admit I always liked the music he wrote for this movie _La Passione_. The songs with Shirley Bassey were great."

_Yes, I love those too! The movie is also very good. _Then she added hesitatingly:_ I watched it with my dad a couple of times when I was little._

Rachel cocked her head and studied her girlfriend. "Sorry, I didn't want to call up sad memories." She apologized.

Quinn shook her head_. That is not a sad memory. It's actually a good one, no matter what happened afterwards. Anyway, I gotta get my stuff ready. _She poked a thumb over her shoulder and disappeared into the bedroom to start packing.

Rachel watched her go and then went to one of her bags that stood next to the sofa. Upon making sure that she was alone, she zipped one open. Quinn's two presents lay neatly wrapped on top of a stack of clothes. Fingering the smaller one, a tiny, shy smile graced her lips. She would probably doubt if this was as good a present as she imagined until the last minute, but she had sworn to herself that she would give it to Quinn nevertheless. Carefully, she zipped the bag close and stood up to join her girlfriend in the bedroom.

Sitting cross legged on the bed she watched Quinn fill the suitcase, never shy to interrupt the blonde with little kisses on her hands or lips, whatever was easier to reach from her position.

... ... ...

Before Quinn had to leave for her last show before her Christmas break, they stowed the main luggage away in the trunk of a rental car. They had decided to drive all the way to Lima, despite the short stay.

Just as she was with the subways, Quinn was not too fond of airplanes. Being cooped up in a form transportation where she could not get out easily and had not much control over was not her favorite. And Rachel felt uncomfortable flying either, despite the green light her doctor had given her.

Both of them taking turns driving the nine hours' drive would be okay.

The car was parked in the garage below the apartment building. Quinn had picked it up in the morning of the 23rd and had collected Rachel with her bags at her apartment in the early afternoon.

They planned to leave very early the next day, on the 24th so they would arrive in the early afternoon in Lima, if the traffic would flow and the weather permit it. So far is seemed ok, it had not snowed in the past three days and the roads were clear.

Rachel spent the evening reading on the couch while Quinn was performing and Santana spent an evening at her aunts. The brunette was happy that Santana would join them in Lima for their Glee meeting, at least.

When Quinn came home from her last show, the two went straight to bed for a couple of hours of sleep and planned to hit the road at around four in the morning.

… … …

After some coffee, they packed the rest of their necessities into the Mini Countryman, including enough provisions for the trip to feed a small army. Quinn slid behind the wheel, waiting for Rachel to get in on the passenger side. As soon as they had buckled up, a thought struck her. She turned and grazed her hand lightly over Rachel's arm to draw her attention away from rummaging around in her hand bag. The brunette pulled out her mobile phone and then looked at Quinn.

_Rachel, how do we communicate? _Quinn asked with a slightly alarmed look on her face._ It will be difficult to sign while I'm driving and when you are driving it will be hard for you to see my hands._

Rachel did not seem too perturbed by this observation. She simple wiggled the phone in her hand and placed it into the cradle that was fixed onto the console of the car already.

"I thought we could try this. Not sure if it will work, but at least we can give it a go. It has a voice recognition software, this translates spoken text into writing. This way I can listen to voice messages, for example. I have it on my computer too. It works a bit faster there, but it might work on the phone as well."

_I was wondering about that_. Quinn pointed at the phone.

"About what?"

_You wrote in one of your early e-mails to me that you had "listened" to my message. _Quinn air-quoted the word 'listened', before she continued_ You know, the one I left on your voicemail before I knew…_. _And I wanted to ask you what you meant by that, but I guess it slipped my mind. Now I know. This is cool, how does it work?_

"You just press the red dot before talking. It will blink while you speak and then you can tap it again to stop recording."

_Great, let's try it. So we're all set. _She smiled encouragingly at Rachel. _Let's go. _She pressed the start button and the engine came to life.

"Ok, Lima, here we come." Rachel tried, but could not muster as much enthusiasm as she wanted to.

She had mixed feelings about it. She wanted to see her dads and their old friends who would be home for Christmas and Hanukkah again. Her joy of seeing all them again was somewhat diminished by the fact that she would have to face up to tell them what had happened, though.

Well, maybe it was just about time that everybody knew. It was unlikely that her situation would change very soon, if ever. This way she could stop finding excuses for not wanting to meet or talk with them.

One other visit also lay a bit heavily in her stomach.

Shelby had invited her for dinner.

Their contact had been amicable over the past years, but they were not very close. They had written each other e-mails once every couple of weeks and Shelby had visited to watch some of Rachel's shows, but other than that they had kept their distance. So it had really surprised Rachel when she received an invitation for a Christmas dinner from her birth mother. Even more so when Shelby asked if she would mind Quinn being there as well to visit Beth. It had turned out to become a tradition for the two mothers to meet over Christmas.

Rachel had never bothered to tell Shelby about what had happened between her and Quinn in college and much less about the fact that they were lovers now. She had also carefully omitted the fact that she was now deaf. She had also asked her father to not tell anyone else in Lima about her condition. If ever, she wanted to do that herself, including telling Shelby.

Thinking about her fathers brought her inevitably back to the fact that they were currently not on the best of speaking terms. She let out a long breath. Quinn placed a consoling hand on her thigh and squeezed lightly as if she had read her thoughts and wanted to give her some comfort with this gesture.

Well, this would be an interesting home visit. Maybe she should dub this voyage _'Off to new beginnings'_, Rachel thought. It certainly felt that way.

She watched Quinn expertly weave her way out of the city onto the highway, wondering how _she_ felt about this visit home. The last few days had been so crazy with Quinn's concert and the shows that they did not have time to talk about it. They also did not have time to discuss Rachel's new acquaintances, Lauren and Cara and how good it finally felt having some contact with other deaf people.

Rachel placed her hand on Quinn's that still rested on her thigh and the blond smiled as the brunette quickly lifted it and pressed a kiss to her girlfriend's fingers.

When they were on the highway and out of New York's maze of streets, the brunette asked:

"How often do you see Beth?"

Quinn looked at Rachel shortly before turning her attention back on the road again. Wondering if the software would pick up her voice clearly enough, she spoke slowly and in short sentences, pausing in between. Whenever possible she tried to add the corresponding sign with one hand.

Rachel's gaze jumped between Quinn's lips, her hands and the mobile device back and forth.

Surprisingly, the recording and transcription worked quite well, so she understood most of what Quinn told her.

_"I've seen her a couple of times over the years. Shelby also visited the city with her a few times. Beth knows I'm part of her life and always will be, though she does not know the details yet. We started corresponding by e-mails some time ago. So I'm pretty much on top of what happens in her life."_ She stated with a smile.

"How old is Beth now?"

_Eight"_

"Wow! Already?"

_Yes, quite a big girl._

"How does she address you?"

_You mean how she calls me?"_ Rachel nodded_. "She just says Quinn. I'm not gonna be replacing her mom or anything. Though, Shelby might want to tell her one day that I'm her birth mom. We are not sure about that yet; we'll see._

They were silent for a moment, each lost in their own thoughts. Then Quinn picked up the conversation again.

_So, how do you feel about that dinner with Shelby?_

Rachel gazed out of the window at the dark landscape. Quinn lightly touched her on the arm and pointed to the phone.

Quickly, the brunette scanned the text that was displayed on the small screen.

"Don't know. I'm nervous, I guess. Shelby and I had some loose contact, but I have only seen Beth only a few times. Will there be other people as well at the dinner?"

Quinn shook her head. _No, usually __it's__ just us. And now you, if you want to come__._

"Hm." Rachel was still not sure. She thought about the organization of the next few days.

"So, tonight, we will both be with our parents. You will celebrate with your family tomorrow, right, but come over to my house in the evening, right? And then on the twenty-sixth we have the Glee Club meeting and on the twenty-seventh the dinner with Shelby."

Quinn nodded. _We will have quite a busy vacation. But __the twenty-eighth__ will be our day__!_

"Yes, because we'll have to drive back again," Rachel answered dryly.

_Oh, right._ Quinn pouted to show her disappointment. _Can't we just … I don't know, not go to Lima and hide out somewhere in between?_ she sighed, knowing full well that they couldn't.

"We'll find some time for us, sweetie." Rachel consoled her chuckling lightly.

… … …

After a couple of hours they switched seats and Rachel sat behind the wheel. Quinn fell asleep after a while, with Rachel's hand cradled in her own. The brunette had to smile at her girlfriend. She looked so cute and peaceful, with her head tilted slightly in Rachel's direction, a relaxed expression on her face.

She drove on for a while. It was quite boring, going on a long ride without any distraction. She had loved driving around, listening to music, belting out the songs that played on the radio. Now she only had the slowly increasing traffic around her and her own thoughts. This was one of the moments when she felt the loss of music deeply again. It had something almost meditative, driving and singing and letting loose of everything that was on her mind.

Desperately trying to keep her mind distracted, she concentrated on the vibrations of the car she was feeling through the seat under her thighs and through the steering wheel in her hands. Rachel tried to imagine the sound of it. The Mini was a nice and comfortable car and the BMW engine probably gave off a nice purring resonance.

Slowly, the sun began to rise. It promised to be a beautiful winter morning. The snow still lay like a white blanket over the fields and started to reflect the warm orange glow of the sunrise.

Quinn started to stir next to her and stretched her body and arms over her head with a hearty yawn.

"Morning, darling," Rachel greeted her.

_Morning,_ Quinn signed. She looked around and pointed at the sun outside. Then she made the quick sign for 'beautiful'. At least one sing at a time Rachel could read out of the corner of her eye. Reading the text on the phone only worked if she was not driving. Or they had to be very short sentences.

Rachel had deactivated the transcription software. Quinn could now type the short messages for Rachel and hold it up for her to read. Though it was really awkward and as the former singer had to concentrate on the road, conversation was more than sparse.

"You can turn on the radio if you want. I don't mind," Rachel offered.

Quinn looked at her, then shook her head. _I'm okay,_ she signed slowly.

After three hours, they stopped to eat some food for breakfast before Quinn took over again. This time, Rachel felt sleepy and let herself lull into sleep by the car's soft reverberations.

When she woke, she noticed that Quinn had turned on the radio and was apparently singing along to a song.

She watched her for a moment from under her lashes. Then she reached out and placed a hand on the side of Quinn's neck to see if she was singing aloud. It had looked like she was just mouthing the words, though Rachel could not explain why she thought that. She felt the vibrations in her girlfriend's neck, who courteously continued what she was doing for Rachel's exploration.

_You're awake,_ the blonde signed clumsily with one hand on the steering wheel.

"Yes. Where are we?" Rachel looked around, still a little tired.

_Just past the border of Ohio._

"Oh, great. Not so far to go. We'll be there early. Maybe we can then enjoy some coffee at the Lima Bean. Somehow that's the first place I'd like to go."

Quinn turned the radio off and Rachel activated her mobile phone again.

_We can do that, if you want. I'd like to go there too. Should we drop our luggage first? Or go before we meet the family?_

"Well, I think we should say hello first."

Quinn nodded. "Ok."

… … …

The rest of the ride went smoothly. The traffic was okay and the weather held, so the roads stayed clear.

They switched seats again for the last leg of the journey. They decided that they would meet at the café later in the afternoon.

Rachel's heart started pounding loudly in her chest as they crossed the Lima city limit.

She finally parked the Mini in her dad's driveway and then just sat there. She could not move; she wanted to stay in the car and turn around as quickly as possible.

Meeting all the people she knew and having to tell them about her accident was not something she was really looking forward to. But she also knew that once she had gotten over it, it would make things easier. She wouldn't have to find excuses anymore on why she never called Tina, why she didn't want to Skype with Mercedes or Puck and why the hell she never told Artie what she thought about his new film. He'd sent her the raw version.

It did not have subtitles.

A hand on her arm startled her out of her thoughts. She jumped slightly and saw Quinn's concerned face in front of her.

"Sorry. Just lost in space," she apologized with a small smile.

_Come on, let's go. We'll see each other again shortly. I know you are a little nervous about this whole trip._

"A "little nervous" is an understatement. I feel like I'm standing in front of a huge obstacle course and can't see the end of it." Rachel let out a deep breath. "Well, I won't get a head start staying here in the car, you're right. Besides, you have to face meeting your mom and I know you are not comfortable with that either."

She reached out, cupped Quinn's face and placed a soft kiss on her lips.

_Let's go face our demons,_ Quinn laughed to lighten the mood a bit.

Rachel had to laugh as well. "Right."

She got out and as if on command the front door of the house flew open and Leroy came out.

Throwing a quick glance at Quinn, Rachel stepped forward and met her father in an embrace.

"Hey pumpkin! How are you? Good to see you!" Then he turned and lightly hugged a surprised Quinn. "Hello Quinn. Nice to see you, too!"

Rachel noted gratefully that he tried to sign while speaking. That was at least something. Maybe they had taken her comment on her birthday to their hearts.

"Nice to see you, too, Mr. Berry," Quinn answered politely in both ways.

"Leroy, call me Leroy." Rachel's dad offered and Rachel thought that she needed to give them all name signs, because her father struggled with signing the name a bit. Yes, that's what she would do first thing tonight, think about appropriate name signs. And one for Quinn. But that she had already figured out. She just wanted to tell her girlfriend at the right moment.

Leroy motioned for both women to come into the house, but Quinn excused herself.

"I'm sorry, but I have to go to see my mom and my sister. I will come by tomorrow evening, if that is all right with you." She looked between the father and daughter.

"Sure, Quinn, you are welcome here." Leroy answered. When he noticed that both were waiting for him to give them a short moment of privacy, he quickly turned and mouthed "I'll be inside".

Quinn smiled and pulled Rachel closer and placed a gentle lingering kiss on her full lips. Rachel moaned very quietly when the blonde pulled back again. She did not want her to leave. And Quinn apparently was in no rush to part either.

After few more kisses and lingering glances, Rachel finally managed extract herself from Quinn's embrace. The clattering of their teeth and the trembling from the cold helped.

"Honey, get in the car. It's really cold outside here. We'll see each other later. Text me when you feel like leaving, ok? No matter when. Can't wait to see you!"

_Me too! Ok. See you later, sweet,_ the blonde signed and with one last kiss, turned and walked towards the car.

"Quinn, wait! My luggage!" Rachel remembered and sprinted after her.

"Oh. Right." _I forgot!_

Together, they heaved Rachel's bags out of the trunk. Both knew it would just get harder the longer they waited, but they did not want to separate. Not even for just a few hours. But after a short hug, Rachel sent her girlfriend on her way.

She watched the car disappear down the street.

It felt weird being back. Everything seemed so familiar and yet so strange in its soundless, silent-movie state.

Turning, she carried her bags inside, mustering a smile for her father.

_It's good to have you home,_ he signed.

She looked at him for a moment, debating with herself to give the easy answer '_good to be home'_ or the honest one.

_To be honest, it feels strange. I'm not really comfortable meeting all the familiar people and having to tell them what happened,_ she signed, falling back into her old routine with her dads.

Leroy stepped closer and softly stroked his hand over his daughter's head. Then he pulled her close into an embrace.

Rachel let herself be held for a moment. The gesture said more than words.

Slowly, she pulled back and smiled up at her father's face and forced herself to speak. "I'll go and put my stuff away. When is dad coming home?"

_In half an hour, I think._

"Ok. I'll take a quick shower and come back down when I'm finished."

Leroy nodded and thoughtfully followed his daughter with his gaze.

… … …

Twenty minutes later, Rachel came down the stairs again, her hair still slightly damp from the shower. When she reached the bottom of the stairs, the front door opened and Hiram stepped inside.

Seeing his daughter standing there, he laughed and lifted her off the floor in a small twirl.

When Rachel had her feet safely on the ground again, she chuckled, deliberately trying to keep the mood light. "Did you miss me or what?"

_Yes I did. We did. Glad to have you here for a couple of days._

Rachel nodded slowly. She noticed however, that her father's signing had slightly improved.

"Cake and tea, as always?" Hiram asked almost shyly, speaking and signing. It had been a ritual ever since Rachel was little and no matter how long she had been away and what time she came back, they would always have cake and tea to catch up.

Hiram dropped his coat and bag and all three of them moved into the kitchen. Rachel busied herself with the brewing of the beverage, while her dads set the table and cut the rich vegan chocolate cake.

Settling around the table in the kitchen, Rachel felt slightly uncomfortable. It was the first time she was home since the accident. Usually the cake and tea ritual would be accompanied with a lot of laughter and chatting between her and her dads.

Now, she did not know what to say.

The petite woman looked at her plate and played with a piece of food. She could feel the tension build in her stomach. She was just here for an hour. How was she supposed to survive this for another five days if her nerves were so high strung already?

Rachel forced herself to exhale slowly. She was not alone here. She had two good friends and Quinn who would support her. That was a great relief. Santana had decided to come back for Christmas, not wanting to stay in the city with her family if her friends were all going back to Lima. Jenna would also be going home to Providence over the holidays. So Santana had booked a flight for the twenty-sixth very early in the morning to at least come to the Glee Club meeting.

Rachel felt a tap on her hand. Looking up, she found Hiram had lifted his hands.

_Where have you been?_

She shrugged. _Lost in thoughts_. She answered with her hands.

_Can we talk about the white elephant in the room? _Hiram surprised his daughter with this question and his signing again.

"What?" She was not sure if she had understood correctly.

_Rachel, you are right. We have to discuss a couple of things._

The brunette opened her mouth and closed it again. Frowning, she looked from Leroy to Hiram. So she had understood her dad perfectly. She was still surprised that they started the discussion, while she was still wondering how to get the whole thing going.

"Yes, we do." She answered.

Something had changed. She was not quite sure what, but something was different with her parents.

Again, Hiram lifted his hands. Rachel watched him carefully forming the signs, while he spoke the words aloud as well so his husband could hear. Even though he was still not fluent, his signing had improved. Rachel wondered how that was possible in the short time since their last talk.

_We miss you Rachel. We miss talking to you; we miss you telling us what is going on in your life. With talking, I don't necessarily mean speaking. But we want to know how you feel, what you're doing, how you're doing. _

Instead of answering at their comments, she asked_: What happened with your signing? You seem to have gotten better_.

Hiram looked at his husband. Leroy decided to answer that question. While he signed, his eyes skipped to the pad that lay next to him, but he obviously forced himself to keep his hands up.

Rachel almost had to smile at the effort. She still had to concentrate to piece together the meaning of his signs, as Leroy was not quite as proficient as his husband. Still, Rachel appreciated him trying.

_After your birthday, we were a little hurt from your comment. But when we discussed it, we also tried to understand it from your point of view. So….._

Hiram lifted his hands and took over again. _So we decided we needed to practice more. You were right. Not seeing you every day did not count as an excuse for not practicing to sign. After our phone call, we decided to start signing in parallel every time we talked to each other. _

Rachel raised her eyebrows. "In every conversation?" Her gaze skipped from one dad to the other. Deciding that she would keep up the exercise for her dads, she accompanied her words with signs as well when she spoke.

Hiram nodded. _Yes, from __waking up in __the morning until __going__ to bed, at least when we're here at home. We even did it a couple of times when we were out shopping or out for dinner. _

"Um, I…. I don't know what to say." Rachel was really impressed. And surprised.

She had not counted on her dads to really make such an effort. She felt tears stinging in her eyes. She swallowed twice before she managed to answer.

_Thank you,_ she signed, not trusting her voice as she was still trying to fight back the tears. After taking a couple of deep breaths and Leroy squeezing her hand slightly in silent comfort, she managed to get some control over her emotions.

After a moment, she took another deep breath.

"I guess I also owe you an apology and an explanation for why I behaved the way I did and how I felt these past months."

_Yes. Please don't shut us out of your life anymore, _Leroy stated.

"Ok. I will try not to."

Rachel collected her thoughts and then started explaining, while her hands never ceased to form the words in parallel.

"It was really hard for me to comprehend why you couldn't understand what I needed. It seemed to me that you didn't even try to put yourselves in my shoes for once. I felt like my _friends_ were more considerate than my own parents." Rachel tried to keep her voice even and not sound too accusing despite the quite honest words.

Carefully she tried to express the next questions with a softer voice.

"How do you think it made me feel to see that you seem to pretend like nothing happened? That you didn't even try to consider what being deaf means? I felt like an outcast in my own family. I felt like I always had to try to accommodate you, while I needed - still need - your support."

She paused for a second, resting her hands in her lap and searched her dads' faces who looked quite guilty, hearing their daughter's words. Rachel wanted to focus on getting her dads to understand her and to find a solution on how to improve the whole situation between them. She did not want them to feel guilty. Not anymore.

"I can see that you're really trying to understand my situation better. I truly appreciate that."

Her dad's eyes skipped between her eyes and her hands. It was interesting to watch that they tried to absorb the signs, even though she was speaking to them.

Rachel watched Leroy lift his hands from the table to answer, while her other dad squeezed her hand in a silent thank you for her last comment.

_Honey, __for us __it is just so hard to know that you had to give up all your dreams, to know that everything you've ever wanted __and worked for __is lost. All we want is to be able to turn back time and erase your accident from history. It's just so hard to see you so broken._

Rachel looked at Leroy and asked herself if she had understood his signs correctly. She repeated the last one as a question.

_Broken?_

He nodded.

"You still see me as _broken_?"

Leroy hesitantly nodded again.

Rachel sighed and looked at the floor, collecting her thoughts.

Good Lord.

When she had moved on, her dads still saw her being caught up in the denial and depression phase. Not having witnessed their daughter evolve had somehow trapped them in the same state.

The petite woman casted her brown eyes on her fathers and took up the conversation where they had left it. The anger she had felt all those months ago had disappeared. Now, realizing where they stood, she knew what she had to do in order to make them understand. She needed to explain to them how far she had come.

"I admit, the following months after the accident I was really devastated. I was so desperate, so lost and so afraid that I honestly thought about ending my life."

Rachel watched her fathers' reaction at her revelation. Apparently, this was something they had considered.

Hiram nodded. _We were afraid for a while that you would try,_ he admitted, his eyes full of pain and worry.

"Yes. Luckily I had some sense left to give myself a chance. I've managed to move on and to take steps forward. Granted, they were small steps, but I am moving forward. I know that I have minimized our contact over the past months. It must not have been easy for you. And I guess I can't blame you for thinking I am still stuck at the same point I was in when you moved back to Lima." She paused for a moment. "Since then a lot has happened." Rachel smiled, thinking about all the people she had reconnected with and the new friends she had made.

_Quinn?_ Hiram asked with a smile.

Rachel inclined her head slightly. "I let my friends back into my life. They helped and still help me immensely to face the everyday challenges. They don't wrap me in cotton and they don't sugarcoat much." A crooked smile played around her lips while she thought about Santana and her open, honest and sometimes painfully true words.

"Sometimes they just throw me out into the cold water." She added and told them about the visit at Quinn's show and her birthday party at the club.

Her dad's reacted with raised eyebrows at that, never having guessed that his now deaf daughter would ever – ever go anywhere near a place that had anything to do with music. It took them by surprise to learn otherwise and that she had even enjoyed herself somehow.

_They took you to a club on your birthday?_ Hiram reassured himself with an incredulous look on his face. He would never have imagined such a possibility.

Rachel laughed. "Yes they did. I was a little shocked, too, when I learned where they were taking me. But they did it under very considerate circumstances, so it was ok in the end. And I trusted them. That's why I went along in the first place."

_And Santana took you to Quinn's show on Broadway?_ Leroy found that was even more incredulous.

"Um, yes, she did. Though I only knew where she was taking me when we were already standing in front of the building." Rachel shrugged. "I figured I could at least try and find out how it would feel to step into a theater again. Even if it was just through the back door." She laughed. "And it was actually really great, considering the circumstances. Sure I did miss the music, but Quinn made sure I had a personal performance from her all the way through."

Seeing her dads' questioning looks, she proceeded to tell them about the little gestures Quinn threw at her all through the show, not forgetting to tell them about the flower.

Hiram and Leroy exchanged a look. _We are actually looking forward to get to know Quinn a bit better. We are intrigued after what you told us about her. And we are glad that you have found friends who care so much about you._

"I'm very grateful for that and the fact that they have learned sign language for me." She went on telling them about Kurt and Santana and how she had met them again and how they had become such important people in her life.

_This is really great, Rachel. They are good friends. Kurt asked us how you were once or twice, while you were still in the hospital. _Hiram explained.

Rachel nodded. "Yes, I know. After talking to you and hearing about my condition, he started learning ASL even though I did not want to meet anyone in the beginning. So when I finally did agree to see him again – I went to visit him at our old apartment – you can imagine my surprise at seeing him signing!" She chuckled at the memory.

After a moment, she sobered again.

"You see, he was "just" a friend and even though I didn't want to have anything to do with him in the beginning, he tried to learn sign language as much as possible to communicate with me, should we ever come back to being friends again. It made it so much harder to understand, why it is – or was – so hard for you to put the same effort into learning _my_ new way of communication. If you could look beyond the fact that I can't hear, maybe we could bring our relationship to where it was before. I'm deaf, but I am still your daughter."

Rachel looked from one dad to the other, trying to read their feelings and emotions, trying to figure out by their body language what they were thinking.

She had tried to speak in an even tone, without sounding reproachful. The words were still a bit hard and she was not finished. They had asked what was going on in her head and she needed to tell them how their behavior had made her feel.

"I'm sorry if I'm rambling, but I need to get this off my chest. Otherwise this white elephant, as you so nicely put it, dad, will never disappear."

_It's ok honey. We just felt or still feel so insecure about this whole situation. Not knowing how to deal with this and not knowing how to deal with you is just the worst for parents. To see their child suffer and not being able to help is nothing I would even wish my greatest enemy to go through. And I'd rather have you rambling – verbally or in ASL,_ Hiram signed smiling, _than having to endure this literal silence between us any longer. _

"Yes, I don't want that either. I know it isn't easy for you to accept what happened either." She looked pensively at her hands for a moment.

"I'm still learning to accept me as I am. It is not always easy; sometimes I still have to fight against my own depreciating thoughts and doubts, but I have people around me who believe in me. I still have dreams and I will figure out what to do with my life. I want to share these dreams and thoughts with you, but it is really hard for me to be around you when I see that every time you want to talk to me it costs you so much effort and you have to struggle to say the most basic things. And often it was not easy for me to piece together what you are trying to say, though your signing has really gotten better."

_Yes, I guess your little wake-up call has helped a little._

"Dads, this is really important to me. The only way I have to communicate with you is through your sign language. I might learn to read your lips better one day, but sign language is my only connection I have with you for now if you want to talk to me! So I'm really glad you are trying." She took another breath to add something, but closed her mouth again.

She had told them enough already.

But her dads caught on. _Out with it. Come on, you wanted to say something more. You always get that little frown when you have to say something. _

"I do?" She asked curiously.

_Yes you do. So, what else is on your mind?_ Leroy prompted her again with a small encouraging smile.

"Ok." Again she took a deep breath.

"Please, please try to be more considerate with your behavior around me. You kept sneaking up on me, scaring the bejesus out of me. I can't hear you, I don't know if someone has entered a room if I don't see them. Make yourself known. Something very easy is switching the lights on and off. Interpret your words when I'm in the room, even though you're not speaking to me directly. It is just so impolite to talk in front of me and not even giving me the slightest chance of understanding by at least facing me so I can try to read your lips."

She hoped so much that they would take these seemingly little things into account.

"I know it is much more comfortable for you to say something without having to think about the signs, especially if it does not concern me. But this is just a small discomfort for you compared to mine."

Her dads nodded and Hiram told is daughter: _We promise to think more about our behavior around you. And please tell us right away if something bothers you, ok? Don't swallow it up anymore._

Rachel nodded. "Fair enough."

Then Leroy asked: _How did your friends cope? __How were__ they __trying to __understand__ your situation__?_

She raised her hands and explained: "Quinn, for example, had some special sound proof earplugs that she wore one evening. They helped her understand – at least to a certain extent – what it actually means to be deaf. Not being able to hear conversations, ambient noise to orient oneself to other sounds. Those earplugs filtered most of the noises so she got a very good impression of what I'm going through."

Leroy nodded. _You think we can ask her about that tomorrow when we see her? _

Rachel nodded. "I'm sure she'll be ok to talk about her experience."

They were silent for a moment, each of them letting the conversation sink in.

Rachel drank the rest of her tea, gazing at her dads above the rim of her cup. Slowly she set it back down on the table.

"I missed you so much. I need you. I need my dads!"

She got up and stood between the two men and threw small arms around each of them. They hugged her back and held her very close.

_We missed you too. And I'm glad that we had a very honest talk. Thanks for letting us know more about your life during the past months. _Leroy managed to sign.

_Care to tell us how you and Quinn got together now? _Hiram added.

"Well, maybe that can wait until tomorrow evening? I'm going to meet Quinn at the Lima Bean a little later."

_What, you want to leave us again? You just got here! _Leroy playfully pulled a face.

"Ah, you'll have me back in the evening. I promise."

_Can't you tell us then? Why do we have to wait until tomorrow? _Leroy still looked disappointed and pushed his lower lip out which made Rachel laugh.

"Because I'd like Quinn to stay over here for the night. Then you can get her side of the story as well.

Her dad sighed._ Ok. Fine. Guess we have to be patient a little longer,_ Hiram grumbled, but had a slight smile playing round his lips.

They hugged again before Rachel went upstairs to gather her purse. Grabbing her phone, she quickly sent a message to Quinn.

_Hey honey! I'm ready for some coffee now? How about you?  
Miss you!  
R._

A couple of minutes later the answer came back.

_Ready to rumble! Let's meet in front of the coffee shop  
in twenty, ok?_

_OK! _Then Rachel added another sentence._ Got news for you._

_What news? What? _Quinn's curiosity seemed to jump right out of the phone.

_Patience! You'll hear soon enough. Just so much:  
Had "the talk" with my dads._

_Oh. And?__  
How did it go?_

_Sorry that I didn't wait until you were here, but it just seemed  
to be the right moment__, especially  
since _they_ started it. It was okay.  
Feels good. Details later!  
Gotta go! Have a date :-)_

_Well, me too. ;-).  
Xoxoxoxo Quinn_

Rachel dropped the phone in her bag and walked back downstairs. It felt so good to have had that conversation with her dads. It seemed like a huge barrier between them had been lifted She grabbed her jacket from the wardrobe from under the stairs and walked back into the kitchen, where she found her dads exchanging a quick kiss.

She looked at the floor, clearing her throat. Gazing back up, she apologized.

"I'm sorry to interrupt your little vows of love. I'm off. See you later."

_Ok. __See you __later __honey. __Tell Quinn we said hello. __Have fun._

Rachel nodded and headed towards the door. Outside she leaned against the wood for a moment, taking a deep breath. She had played it cool with her dads, but now she felt the nervousness come back. What if she met someone on the way? What if other Glee Clubbers where already in town also getting a coffee?

Well, it made no sense playing out the dramas in her head. She would just have to wait and see.

Slowly she walked down the driveway, not knowing that she would not run into old friends, but someone else entirely.

* * *

**My beta reader is currently quite busy, so I don't know when I'll have the next chapter ready to upload. Don't know if you prefer to pre-read them "un-corrected" and have me upload the beta version later or if you'd prefer to wait and have me _only_ upload the revised chapter. Let me know...**

**… … …**

**Also just a note on the development of the relationship between Rachel and her dads. Originally when I wrote that scene, it was much harsher and did not end that well. Rachel really told them off and refused to speak to them afterwards. I had written that scene some time ago when the chapters leading up to this encounter had not been written yet. **

**So when I finally got there and reviewed the scene it just did not feel right anymore for me. I thought the talk should still happen, but not in the way I originally had imagined. After all, they still love their daughter and Rachel still wants them to be a functioning family again, despite the circumstances. **

**So the feel of that encounter with her dads had changed for me slightly over the course of time and they came out more understanding and willing to cooperate. **

**They were a functional family before so I think that even though the accident caused a rift between them, they would manage to grow together again.**

**Had we been talking about Russell Fabray, well, that would have been a different story, but not with the two Berry men. I guess they just needed a little nudge into the right direction, which they have received from Rachel. And they took their chance to make the best out of it, just like Rachel did by telling them so much about her past months. **


End file.
